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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by JLW95)
    I'm sorry if most of my posts in here have come off as solely negative. However before the medication, and perhaps most importantly, before I started eating more my mind was solely concentrated on the negatives . Now I feel happier than I have been in a long time, and am even starting to feel more energetic; and the dark thoughts seem to have completely vanished now that I'm eating more . It's weigh day tomorrow and for the very first time I hope that i haven't lost weight, and now I really want to recover and get my life back .
    I agree with this.. sorry if I've been posting negative stuff/offended anyone (kinda guessed I'm something to do with this, since I have been posting rubbish **** lately).

    So, in that case, I am leaving this thread to try and sort this **** out myself or something. I don't know.

    Bye bye.
    • #142
    #142

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree with this.. sorry if I've been posting negative stuff/offended anyone (kinda guessed I'm something to do with this, since I have been posting rubbish **** lately).

    So, in that case, I am leaving this thread to try and sort this **** out myself or something. I don't know.

    Bye bye.
    You don't have to leave :O The point of this thread is we all support each other, yes the thread has been particularly negative recently, I have contributed to that myself, but no ones complaining that its negative. Everyone's just upset because people in this community are so down at the minute, and we all want to help each other. Its an alienating illness. I know that I come here because I dont have anyone else and because the support on here is incredible, especially from the regulars. It sounds like your in a pretty similar situation. So don't leave
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    REP!

    I wasn't specifically aiming my post at any particular people, I don't even focus on names when I read posts usually, as it doesn't matter who is posting; I care equally about everyone.

    But it's great to hear such optimism!
    Thanks . I would rep you but it's not allowing me at the moment. Now that I'm eating more I am starting to think logically again. Like my doctor implied, the fluoxetine and olanzapine are just there to give me the energy and motivation to eat again, they're not making me put on weight, but helping to provide me with a stimulus to change my thoughts. At the end of the day my weight is just a number - I'm not a number, I'm a human being!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree with this.. sorry if I've been posting negative stuff/offended anyone (kinda guessed I'm something to do with this, since I have been posting rubbish **** lately).

    So, in that case, I am leaving this thread to try and sort this **** out myself or something. I don't know.

    Bye bye.
    Come on, now. This is just guilt-trip material.

    I'd at least like to think I can take vague liberties as the topic creator, but all the same, I regard myself as one of the "Papas" here. And in that category, I have to ask that you, and those in the same mindset, stop the "if I can't get the attention for me alone, then I'm going to sulk and wallow" - that helps nobody, and it creates a radius of negativity that emanates from you onto your peers.

    Have you ever heard the phrase "You never see the beauty of a sunrise, if you only ever sleep 'til noon"? It refers to the fact that you might never see the beauty and good things in your life if you purposely avoid them. And you might THINK it's impossible to see them because "I sleep until noon!" - but how do you change that? Stop sleeping until noon!

    "I don't know how to help myself and I'm stuck and I'm doomed!" - no, you're not, you knowhow to get out of the rut, but you refuse to face up to it! And I'm not saying you're not allowed to be scared. You absolutely ARE. But what I'm asking is you try to FACE it, try to work through it, and use this thread as a helping hand to get you through the trials of an Eating Disorder, not simply come to post "This sucks, life sucks, everything sucks and I'm a goner" - it doesn't help you at all, and it harms a LOT of others on here.

    You can vent - so long as it's a means to an end, has a purpose, it's to be used to better yourself. But blind venting is (potentially) arming the other posters and does nobody any good. x
    • #75
    #75

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree with this.. sorry if I've been posting negative stuff/offended anyone (kinda guessed I'm something to do with this, since I have been posting rubbish **** lately).

    So, in that case, I am leaving this thread to try and sort this **** out myself or something. I don't know.

    Bye bye.
    I didn't mean to come across harsh. It just makes me worry when people don't seem to be improving and don't seem to be wanting to get better. If expressing your feelings on this thread isn't helping then maybe you should try another method. By all means, I'd hate to thing you're leaving this thread due to what I said. If relieving your emotions on here helps, then keep it up but by the looks of it, fuelling your negativity isn't currently helping your recovery process. I wish you all the best x
    • #154
    #154

    I'm not guilt-tripping anyone... I just have no idea what to do, where do I go from here? I want to get out now, but how? I don't even know where to start tbh.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not guilt-tripping anyone... I just have no idea what to do, where do I go from here? I want to get out now, but how? I don't even know where to start tbh.
    Have you voiced your concerns to family/friends/a doctor? It's hard enough getting through this with all the support in the world..but even harder alone. Just lighten the load on yourself, let people in. I have no doubt there are people who really want to help you.
    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Have you voiced your concerns to family/friends/a doctor? It's hard enough getting through this with all the support in the world..but even harder alone. Just lighten the load on yourself, let people in. I have no doubt there are people who really want to help you.
    No, not really. My family had an inkling a while back, but I totally outright denied it and that was that. It's just gone so downhill from there...
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    Although internet forums are a fantastic source of help and companionship, they cannot be used as a sole means to recovery. Eating disorders are complex illnesses, and require specialist help.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Your mother does not mind when you say no to cake! Stop feeling guilty :hugs:

    I'm doing pretty well thank you.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I started to become bulimic which was a complete shock, but it's under control now and i'm focusing really hard on recovery. Working on getting my confidence up because i'm more self concious than ever :indiff:. I know i'm fine in theory (still in healthy range, but weigh quite a lot more than I wanted to), so I really want to be :curious:confident enough to go and get my hair cut :giggle: I'm working though, so getting out and about


    :hugs:

    Sounds like you're doing great!
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Haircut? You go gurlll! :P
    I know the feeling, I look like Foghorn Leghorn at the moment :curious: ... hoping to get it done sometime in the next few weeks


    I found this pretty useful tonight, maybe you or someone else will too?
    http://www.eatingdisordersreview.com...dt_2_5_15.html

    and your advice was really helpful, thanks

    I know something needs to change, I guess the question for me is how far to allow these boundaries the article talks about before I'm deluding myself and running in circles. At the moment saying No to Mum mostly means something about food, and it's about more than food, but I can't quite see how yet. I don't want to relapse but I can't respect myself as an independent adult if I carry on depriving myself of the power to make my own decisions.

    Then there's actually making the big move to say Yes/No and mean it, which is terrifying.

    :hugs:
    ________________________________ _______________________________
    Also as a general note to everyone because we've got a lot of people struggling right now by the looks of it spoilered because it's a wee long as ever
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Kinda reiterates what Toto’s said to be honest:
    I made the mistake of completely blanking a classmate I hadn't seen since first year when they waved and smiled at me, because I've been so ashamed of where I've gone recently and really lonely too. Yet had I have just gone to say hey, they probably don't even know about my mental health so I could be silly old me, the real me. Even if they did, they were nice enough not to judge me on it and And I can do that with my good friends who know anyway. The worst that could have happened is they realised we had less in common than imagined and keep the relationship casual, the best a good laugh and a wonderful new friendship.
    Remember, you are not your illness. Unfortunately there’s still a stigma against the mentally ill (which I’ve only properly noticed more recently…) It's really easy to fall into the trap of believing the prejudices held against you are real, and you as a person are at fault, rather than suffering from distorted thoughts and self-image which are consuming the beautiful person underneath. Because it's true, underneath the destructive and hateful ED you're still that incredible and fascinating person like everyone else. The ED could change that horribly, but only if you let it.

    This goes for any mental health difficulty or hidden illness by the way. Keep yourself involved with people if you can, isolating yourself is the single worst thing you can do to feed the cycle of twisted logic and self-hate.
    But how can you ever see the real you if you don’t even give them a chance to come out, and hide in your self-made prison? Fortunately attitudes are contagious, so the more time you spend with happy and pleasant people, the better you’ll feel about yourself!

    Sorry this has dragged on, I'm feeling a little introspective tonight believe in yourself, guys! x
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    Hello Everyone,


    I have posted before on studentroom but it has taken a LONG TIME for me to work up the courage to post something as personal as this.
    I have been reading through this thread for a while now, reading your posts are incredibly inspirational. You all have amazing strength to not only fight through recovery, but to also post your struggles on such a public platform to help others. I would love to have that strength.
    I have been suffering from anorexia since 2010 when I was 16, I am 19 years old now and am in a state of emotional breakdown. I can see no way out.
    I think after three years the fragility of my body is catching up with me. About three weeks ago I simply shouted for my mum and the strain that that had on my body caused me to pass out- my dad told me that my eyes were wide upon. My heart may finally be telling me that it is giving up- it is too tired to work this hard to keep my alive but even this hasn’t scared me enough to want recovery, or believe I need it.
    This is were my main problem comes in. Everyone around me- family, friends, health professionals tell me that I am going to die eventually, I’m far too thin but I don’t believe them. I look in the mirror and see something so physically repulsive that it makes me break down in tears almost everytime. I am told that that is just my body dysmorphia but it is hard to look in the mirror, see something and try to convince yourself that what you see with your own eyes is false. I am on very restrictive diet and have severe panic attacks when I divert from it, thats how I justify sticking to it.
    I’m returning to University in Scotland (I live in Northern Ireland) on Monday and know that because I will be on my own again it will be a million times worse.
    About a year ago I was going to be admitted into hospital due to my weight, however as my daddy works quite high up at the hospital he was able to ask for some time to try and re-feed me at home. Whilst at home, I discharged myself from the professionals care as I was 18 and haven’t been to see a proper professional since. I haven’t gained much/ if any weight since but my parents believed that I was in an emotional better place and in their words “the physical side would follow.”
    I smile and nod, yet they don’t know that my mentality is so much worse than before, I have since started to make myself sick, abuse laxatives and self-harm. The only reason I initially seemed happier was now I wasn’t going to be weighed weekly, therefore I could get away with losing weight again.
    In all honesty I don’t know why I have posted this as I don’t have the emotional strength as you guys to strive for recovery at the moment, but I am sick of pretending I am in a mentally better place. I’m sick of smiling and laughing when all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry. I feel on a thread like this someone might have shared these thoughts, maybe someone could give me some advice.
    Part of me is thinking of seeking professional help again, but I don’t want that to effect my university course. Yet the sicker, manipulative part of my mind is excited about how much weight I could potentially lose during these next 5 months on my own at Uni. I’m lost.
    • #164
    #164

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    There were some dark places visited by anon posters tonight, and I want to thank the regulars like Cinnie and Riku for being here to show the veteran reasoning.

    Even if you don't think you're fully "recovered", the amount you two exhibit reason, empathy and logic is inspiring.

    I think back on my darkest days. Where I wanted to be. Run parallels with people around you.

    Do you want to be disgustingly emaciated? Is that your goal? Because you may already be there. To be the thinnest you can be is to be a skeleton; ie, a corpse. Well done- guess what, we ALL achieve that some day. One day we'll all be as thin as we can be, lying in a box in the ground.

    For now, don't you want to be special? Different? There are no smart corpses. No funny corpses. No kind corpses.

    There are endless skinny corpses. Xxx
    That is one of the most eloquently, yet bluntly put phrases I have heard regarding eating disorders. I have seen many "eating disorder specialists" and none of them have been able to hit home the dangers of an ed or the beauty of recovery as well as you have put it in many of your posts. I just wanted to write this quick reply to thank you personally for your words.
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    (Original post by brbr123)
    Hello Everyone,


    I have posted before on studentroom but it has taken a LONG TIME for me to work up the courage to post something as personal as this.
    I have been reading through this thread for a while now, reading your posts are incredibly inspirational. You all have amazing strength to not only fight through recovery, but to also post your struggles on such a public platform to help others. I would love to have that strength.
    I have been suffering from anorexia since 2010 when I was 16, I am 19 years old now and am in a state of emotional breakdown. I can see no way out.
    I think after three years the fragility of my body is catching up with me. About three weeks ago I simply shouted for my mum and the strain that that had on my body caused me to pass out- my dad told me that my eyes were wide upon. My heart may finally be telling me that it is giving up- it is too tired to work this hard to keep my alive but even this hasn’t scared me enough to want recovery, or believe I need it.
    This is were my main problem comes in. Everyone around me- family, friends, health professionals tell me that I am going to die eventually, I’m far too thin but I don’t believe them. I look in the mirror and see something so physically repulsive that it makes me break down in tears almost everytime. I am told that that is just my body dysmorphia but it is hard to look in the mirror, see something and try to convince yourself that what you see with your own eyes is false. I am on very restrictive diet and have severe panic attacks when I divert from it, thats how I justify sticking to it.
    I’m returning to University in Scotland (I live in Northern Ireland) on Monday and know that because I will be on my own again it will be a million times worse.
    About a year ago I was going to be admitted into hospital due to my weight, however as my daddy works quite high up at the hospital he was able to ask for some time to try and re-feed me at home. Whilst at home, I discharged myself from the professionals care as I was 18 and haven’t been to see a proper professional since. I haven’t gained much/ if any weight since but my parents believed that I was in an emotional better place and in their words “the physical side would follow.”
    I smile and nod, yet they don’t know that my mentality is so much worse than before, I have since started to make myself sick, abuse laxatives and self-harm. The only reason I initially seemed happier was now I wasn’t going to be weighed weekly, therefore I could get away with losing weight again.
    In all honesty I don’t know why I have posted this as I don’t have the emotional strength as you guys to strive for recovery at the moment, but I am sick of pretending I am in a mentally better place. I’m sick of smiling and laughing when all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry. I feel on a thread like this someone might have shared these thoughts, maybe someone could give me some advice.
    Part of me is thinking of seeking professional help again, but I don’t want that to effect my university course. Yet the sicker, manipulative part of my mind is excited about how much weight I could potentially lose during these next 5 months on my own at Uni. I’m lost.
    Well done for posting, that takes courage.

    It sounds like you really need some help, and sooner rather than later. Losing weight/eating disorders + uni really don't mix when you have severe physical consequences, let alone the mental torture that comes with an eating disorder. Can you approach your parents, a doctor, or your tutor at uni?

    I know that you feel that you're not too thin and that you won't die, but I have seen people with this illness who thought the same... One girl was 12 at the time, and her heart failed twice. Another lady was 20, and unfortunately lost her life a couple of months ago when I was in an ED unit because even after refeeding, her heart was too weak.

    There is hope; the 12 year old has since recovered, and so have many more.

    Eating disorders are so dangerous; and made even more dangerous by the fact that they warp our perception of how things really are.

    Please, reach out and get help before it's too late x
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    Hi guys, I'm just looking for some practical advice really. I've been struggling massively recently and I'm still waiting for proper treatment to get underway - I've had endless weigh-ins, ECGs, blood tests etc over the last few months and I saw an ED specialist for the second time today, but nothing is really changing yet. Today they just seemed to be blaming me for not trying harder or making more progress or having more motivation. They keep telling me I'm going to end up hospitalised but not offering me anything substantive to stop that happening. Ultimately though I know that it has to come from me - I'm the only one who can open my mouth and eat.

    Since they told me I was nearly at inpatient stage last week I had a couple of attempts at upping my calories (mainly by allowing myself to let loose at the chocolate which just resulted in me panicking, thinking I was 'binging' and restricting even more heavily for the next few days). What I want to know is, does anyone have any advice on the first crucial stages of starting to eat more 'normally' again? What has worked for you guys? I need to find a way I can do it that's sustainable and won't freak me too much - I'm away at uni so it's not like I have a family to sit me down and make me eat, I literally have to make the decisions all by myself and try to stick to them and it's a huge challenge.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Hi guys, I'm just looking for some practical advice really. I've been struggling massively recently and I'm still waiting for proper treatment to get underway - I've had endless weigh-ins, ECGs, blood tests etc over the last few months and I saw an ED specialist for the second time today, but nothing is really changing yet. Today they just seemed to be blaming me for not trying harder or making more progress or having more motivation. They keep telling me I'm going to end up hospitalised but not offering me anything substantive to stop that happening. Ultimately though I know that it has to come from me - I'm the only one who can open my mouth and eat.

    Since they told me I was nearly at inpatient stage last week I had a couple of attempts at upping my calories (mainly by allowing myself to let loose at the chocolate which just resulted in me panicking, thinking I was 'binging' and restricting even more heavily for the next few days). What I want to know is, does anyone have any advice on the first crucial stages of starting to eat more 'normally' again? What has worked for you guys? I need to find a way I can do it that's sustainable and won't freak me too much - I'm away at uni so it's not like I have a family to sit me down and make me eat, I literally have to make the decisions all by myself and try to stick to them and it's a huge challenge.
    You're right- you're the only one who can make changes. Of course, you need support, but the motivation needs to come from you.

    Inpatient is absolutely horrible, trust me. I've seen some scary things in hospital, and it's really not a place you want to end up in and the statistics for recovery are a lot worse for people who have been in hospital.

    I think making a strict meal plan and sticking to it, down to the letter, may help.

    Take it one step at a time. Sit down and really think about it; how much do you honestly think you can manage right now? As a guide, here are the meal plans that both hospitals I've been in follow. It usually takes around 1-2 weeks to progress from the first one to the last one, but it depends on what your current diet is and of course, that was in a hospital environment.

    I know you're at uni, but could you arrange a family member to telephone you around meal times, to ensure that you have eaten, and if you haven't, to give you some words of advice? I know some people also set reminders on their phone as to when to eat, with little positive messages
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    (Original post by Gnome :))
    You're right- you're the only one who can make changes. Of course, you need support, but the motivation needs to come from you.

    Inpatient is absolutely horrible, trust me. I've seen some scary things in hospital, and it's really not a place you want to end up in and the statistics for recovery are a lot worse for people who have been in hospital.

    I think making a strict meal plan and sticking to it, down to the letter, may help.

    Take it one step at a time. Sit down and really think about it; how much do you honestly think you can manage right now? As a guide, here are the meal plans that both hospitals I've been in follow. It usually takes around 1-2 weeks to progress from the first one to the last one, but it depends on what your current diet is and of course, that was in a hospital environment.

    I know you're at uni, but could you arrange a family member to telephone you around meal times, to ensure that you have eaten, and if you haven't, to give you some words of advice? I know some people also set reminders on their phone as to when to eat, with little positive messages
    Can't begin to tell you how helpful those plans are to put things into perspective for me. Even the first one terrifies me at the moment but it's interesting to see the sort of thing I might have to work towards. I think I really need to see a dietitian and get something like that specifically tailored to me - otherwise I'll feel like I'm the exception to the rule and I don't need that much and I'm being greedy etc etc etc. I feel like I need to be told exactly what to eat and when and how much weight I've got to gain (god forbid) or I'll just make excuses for myself.

    I'm seeing my mum tomorrow for the first time since I told her about my ED so we'll see how that goes and how she responds but I think she'll be a valuable ally and if it comes to it, I'll give her a copy of my plan and ask her to check up on me. Luckily I've also got a few very supportive friends at uni so I might ask if I can do the whole first day of the plan in their company or something to make sure I stick to it.
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    Yes, I personally tend to be brutal in my advice, but I'm no monster. I do it for a reason; it's what turned ME around from the inevitable death from ED.

    Some of the most profound advice comes from the silliest source. For example, tonight my friend said whilst in a club:

    "See her? Oaft."
    And I wondered what he was on about. She was a slim girl... Pretty, but a lot of skin on show...

    "...Bones are for the dogs like, i prefer meat."

    I asked what he was on about.

    "look at her, if she ate a piece or two, she'd be perfect. Pity, she looks like what it'd feel like to hump a glockenspiel".

    Well, i just lost it- i knew he had paraphrased some comedian, but it made me think... Even guys with zero interest in ED and the like... Skinny girls were"ill" to him.

    When we left the club, he said "you okay, want to get a munch?" - i still said no. truth is, I still suffer during my triumph. ED is powerful. But sometimes it takes a drunk pal to help you realise the true extent of the life you're missing.

    Right now I thing I'm enjoying 75% of "true" life. But that is utterly amazing compared to the misery of anorexia!!
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Hi guys, I'm just looking for some practical advice really. I've been struggling massively recently and I'm still waiting for proper treatment to get underway - I've had endless weigh-ins, ECGs, blood tests etc over the last few months and I saw an ED specialist for the second time today, but nothing is really changing yet. Today they just seemed to be blaming me for not trying harder or making more progress or having more motivation. They keep telling me I'm going to end up hospitalised but not offering me anything substantive to stop that happening. Ultimately though I know that it has to come from me - I'm the only one who can open my mouth and eat.

    Since they told me I was nearly at inpatient stage last week I had a couple of attempts at upping my calories (mainly by allowing myself to let loose at the chocolate which just resulted in me panicking, thinking I was 'binging' and restricting even more heavily for the next few days). What I want to know is, does anyone have any advice on the first crucial stages of starting to eat more 'normally' again? What has worked for you guys? I need to find a way I can do it that's sustainable and won't freak me too much - I'm away at uni so it's not like I have a family to sit me down and make me eat, I literally have to make the decisions all by myself and try to stick to them and it's a huge challenge.
    -cuddles- Could you try adding a handful of raisins to breakfast or adding a bit more milk to your tea?
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    (Original post by JLW95)
    It's weigh day tomorrow and for the very first time I hope that i haven't lost weight, and now I really want to recover and get my life back .
    Continuing with the positive theme, I've put another kg on . Also went out for a meal with my family to celebrate my father's birthday yesterday evening, and for the first time in over a year I didn't skip lunch knowing that I was going to eat out. I only could manage a salad for lunch, but still, it was something, and my psychiatrist is happy with how I'm progressing; but more importantly, I am . Now that I'm starting to eat normally again I am starting to feel a lot more energetic and upbeat, though unfortunately I still have little concentration and short term memory. For all those who are suffering from Anorexia Nervosa who feel helpless to seek recovery, please try and defeat that stupid little voice that doesn't even exist in your head. I can't remember the last time I have felt as well mentally in a long time. Toto is right, when you're suffering from an eating disorder you really do not see the life that you're missing.
    • #164
    #164

    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Well done for posting, that takes courage.

    It sounds like you really need some help, and sooner rather than later. Losing weight/eating disorders + uni really don't mix when you have severe physical consequences, let alone the mental torture that comes with an eating disorder. Can you approach your parents, a doctor, or your tutor at uni?

    I know that you feel that you're not too thin and that you won't die, but I have seen people with this illness who thought the same... One girl was 12 at the time, and her heart failed twice. Another lady was 20, and unfortunately lost her life a couple of months ago when I was in an ED unit because even after refeeding, her heart was too weak.

    There is hope; the 12 year old has since recovered, and so have many more.

    Eating disorders are so dangerous; and made even more dangerous by the fact that they warp our perception of how things really are.

    Please, reach out and get help before it's too late x
    Thank you so much Gnome for taking the time out to reply, it means a lot- truly
    I am thinking that I might seek out some counsellor or specialist whilst at Uni to go to if things get especially tough. I think one of the things that I struggle with most at University is that I have no one to go to to talk about this with, I have friends- but I only met them September so I don't trust them enough yet. My dad keeps telling me to Skype him if I am having a tough time, but I have a fear that someone will hear me- I live in a flat with not the nicest people, I have heard them more than once mock me about my weight through the walls. There are counsellors at Uni and I am thinking I will swallow my pride and go to them- admit I need the help. I can no longer tell myself, or let my family believe that I can do it on my own.
    I also really like the idea about going to a tutor for support, I have a lot of lovely Psychology tutors who I hope might help.

    Thank you again.
 
 
 
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