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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #164
    #164

    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Well done for posting, that takes courage.

    It sounds like you really need some help, and sooner rather than later. Losing weight/eating disorders + uni really don't mix when you have severe physical consequences, let alone the mental torture that comes with an eating disorder. Can you approach your parents, a doctor, or your tutor at uni?

    I know that you feel that you're not too thin and that you won't die, but I have seen people with this illness who thought the same... One girl was 12 at the time, and her heart failed twice. Another lady was 20, and unfortunately lost her life a couple of months ago when I was in an ED unit because even after refeeding, her heart was too weak.

    There is hope; the 12 year old has since recovered, and so have many more.

    Eating disorders are so dangerous; and made even more dangerous by the fact that they warp our perception of how things really are.

    Please, reach out and get help before it's too late x
    Thank you so much Gnome for taking the time to reply to my post, it really means a lot.

    I have decided that I am going to seek professional help whilst at University- I need to admit to myself and my family that I am not strong enough to do this on my own yet. Hopefully with some regular input things will seem better. I also like the idea of speaking to a tutor because I think the thing that I struggle with the most in University is that I have no one to talk to if I'm struggling. I have friends but I only met them in September- so I don't trust them enough to tell them yet (it took me 2 years+ to admit it to my best friend.) My dad says that I can always ring or Skype him or my mum but I get paranoid that one of my flatmates would hear me through the walls and they aren't the nicest people..

    I am suffering from complicated conflictions. Part of me wants recovery so badly, I know what I want in life- what I want to do, where I want to go and I know that I can't do anything if I have anorexia but I don't know were to begin. That might sound stupid as I could just eat more, but the feelings I get come back and seriously bite me which end up be incredibly destructive. With anorexia I can't get my dream career because I won't have the strength or energy to do it (if I'm still alive that is...). I won't be able to have a family because what man would want a pile of bones? Or how could I have children when at the moment, at my weight, it is physically impossible. I have to realise that this manipulative, evil illness is going to end up destroying everything I want in life and me along with it. I need a serious kick up the arse.

    I also wanted to use this reply to thank everyone on this thread for your posts. I find your words of strength and wisdom are so much more motivating and inspirational then any doctor or mental health specialist that I have seen in the past. When I read through these posts and see how you are able to fight through destructive feelings and stand up to our eating disorder it gives me hope and strenght. We can all fight this together.
    • #164
    #164

    Sorry for posting a similar reply twice. Still getting a hang on here.
    • #164
    #164

    (Original post by Gnome :))
    You're right- you're the only one who can make changes. Of course, you need support, but the motivation needs to come from you.

    Inpatient is absolutely horrible, trust me. I've seen some scary things in hospital, and it's really not a place you want to end up in and the statistics for recovery are a lot worse for people who have been in hospital.

    I think making a strict meal plan and sticking to it, down to the letter, may help.

    Take it one step at a time. Sit down and really think about it; how much do you honestly think you can manage right now? As a guide, here are the meal plans that both hospitals I've been in follow. It usually takes around 1-2 weeks to progress from the first one to the last one, but it depends on what your current diet is and of course, that was in a hospital environment.

    I know you're at uni, but could you arrange a family member to telephone you around meal times, to ensure that you have eaten, and if you haven't, to give you some words of advice? I know some people also set reminders on their phone as to when to eat, with little positive messages
    Great ideas, and a lot of help. This will be a lot of help for me also at Uni.
    • #164
    #164

    (Original post by sentiment)
    Got some more questions about referrals/appointments if anyone's able to help. I know these things work differently around the country but I'm a little confused about the process I'm being put through so if anyone can help that would be great.

    I first saw my GP about my ED three weeks ago. He sent me for an ECG and bloods and then I saw him again just before I went home from uni for Christmas, and he said he was referring me to the 'eating disorders team' and to expect a letter from them. That letter came today, but it came from the Leeds and York Partnership Community Mental Health Team. I've got an assessment with a mental health nurse and a specialist practitioner in eating disorders, but it doesn't really give me any information about what's going to happen or what might happen next. One of the things I feel like would really help is a nutritionist and it doesn't mention that in any of the information about the services they provide. Is it likely that my treatment now will come through the CMHT or will they refer me on to more specialist services if they think that's what I need? Just a little confused about what's going to happen next...

    I'm also really really stressing out about the prospect of them weighing me and to be honest my first instinct is to lose as much weight as possible before the appointment. I'll have seen my GP less than a week beforehand for a weigh-in so is there any chance they'll just settle for the weight he updates my records with, or will they want to see for themselves? I'm so scared of them thinking I weigh too much to need treatment.

    Hello I went through a very similar process, so can tell you a bit about what happened to me.
    When you initially see the eating disorder specialist they usually will make you fill out a questionnaire and ask you quite detailed and extensive questions regarding food, exercise, body image etc. This is so they can diagnose which eating disorder you fall under but if I remember correctly they won't tell you this until your next appointment.
    Unfortunately if your process is anything like mine then they will weigh you but if you ask them then they can prevent you from seeing the number. They will also take your blood pressure standing up and and sitting down, and I think they check your heart rate.
    Depending on how progressed you are into your illness (in terms of mentality NOT weight) then they will organise weekly appointments, or every other week.
    At every appointment they will weigh you to keep track.

    I understand the urge to lose as much as you can before then, that was what I did. My manipulated mind saw it as a type of free weight watchers but God do I regret it!! These eating disorder specialists take no s**t, believe me! If they see you losing weight and continuously losing weight regardless of how large the amount then they will "bring it up at a meeting" and can get you admitted into a hospital bed, they can do this without your or your parents permission if they feel they have to.

    My advice would be to make the most of the help that the specialists offer, tell them what you have wrote in this post. If you are having the urge to lose, tell them. They are trained to help. Some of these people have saved many lives.
    • #154
    #154

    Told my parents what's going on... needless to say, it did not go down well at all. *sigh* the exact reason why I didn't want to tell them in the first place
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    Trying to practice mindfulness again (eating and in general). So bloody hard at the moment because I haven't done it properly in a year, but I hear it works wonders for bringing you at one with yourself and the world
    • #30
    #30

    I've just started daycare and I'm the fattest patient there. I feel like a disgusting freak and that I don't belong there
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've just started daycare and I'm the fattest patient there. I feel like a disgusting freak and that I don't belong there
    EVERYONE feels like that. Seriously, speak to the others and they'll say the same!
    Well done on starting day care, that takes courage x
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    Okay, people! I'd like to ask all of you that frequent this thread to take part in a simple exercise to help you better gauge your eating disorder. It might help you reflect on your motives a little; if not, nothing lost, right?

    OKAY, HERE WE GO: YOU HAVE ONE HOUR FROM NOW TO WRITE DOWN THE FIVE THINGS YOU HATE MOST ABOUT YOUR EATING DISORDER, AND THE FIVE TOP THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT IT.

    You didn't misread that. You didn't misread the last bit at all; I want to you take the absolute five top things that you hate your disorder for doing to you, making you into, and coaxing you to become, and likewise... the top five things you feel your ED does to benefit you as a person.

    From there, post them here on the thread from "1-5 THINGS I HATE THE ED FOR DOING TO ME" and "1-5 THINGS I LIKE THE ED FOR DOING TO/FOR ME".

    You may well be surprised by what you write.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Okay, people! I'd like to ask all of you that frequent this thread to take part in a simple exercise to help you better gauge your eating disorder. It might help you reflect on your motives a little; if not, nothing lost, right?

    OKAY, HERE WE GO: YOU HAVE ONE HOUR FROM NOW TO WRITE DOWN THE FIVE THINGS YOU HATE MOST ABOUT YOUR EATING DISORDER, AND THE FIVE TOP THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT IT.

    You didn't misread that. You didn't misread the last bit at all; I want to you take the absolute five top things that you hate your disorder for doing to you, making you into, and coaxing you to become, and likewise... the top five things you feel your ED does to benefit you as a person.

    From there, post them here on the thread from "1-5 THINGS I HATE THE ED FOR DOING TO ME" and "1-5 THINGS I LIKE THE ED FOR DOING TO/FOR ME".

    You may well be surprised by what you write.
    1-5 things I hate the ed for doing to me

    1. Making me hurt my family and friends/ driving people away
    2. Making me hurt myself. Cutting. Throwing up. Laxatives. I'm disgusted with myself
    3. Not being able to enjoy any social event/feeling panicky in public
    4. Having to exercise till i'm exhausted then never being able to sleep
    5. Being sad, unhappy and miserable constantly

    1-5 things I like the ed for doing to/for me

    1. Giving me something to focus on other than being lonely
    2. Proving that i can control myself
    3. I'm not overweight anymore
    4. Giving me a sense of achievement sometimes. I've found something i can actually do.
    5. The high I get when the scales go down




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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    1-5 things I hate the ed for doing to me

    1. Making me hurt my family and friends/ driving people away
    2. Making me hurt myself. Cutting. Throwing up. Laxatives. I'm disgusted with myself
    3. Not being able to enjoy any social event/feeling panicky in public
    4. Having to exercise till i'm exhausted then never being able to sleep
    5. Being sad, unhappy and miserable constantly

    1-5 things I like the ed for doing to/for me

    1. Giving me something to focus on other than being lonely
    2. Proving that i can control myself
    3. I'm not overweight anymore
    4. Giving me a sense of achievement sometimes. I've found something i can actually do.
    5. The high I get when the scales go down




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    You know, I am incredibly proud that you took the time and were entirely honest. What comes out of this is that we can see you're an exceptionally empathetic person; your first "hates" show that it's all pain; physical personal pain, outward projected pain onto your parents, lethargy, punishment, hatred. You almost seem to be punishing yourself... for punishing yourself. That is a cycle of hatred that will never end, and if you're always punishing yourself for punishing yourself, then you can see where the single outcome is, right?

    In contrast, your "Likes" are all very empty-sounding. "I get a bit of a high when I step on scales" - it's momentary. A mere two or three seconds out of your entire day. "I'm not overweight any more". That almost seems like you counteracted one thing you THOUGHT was a problem with... an actual REAL problem. I've spoken to many a happy overweight person who always say "I wish I could lose weight!" - and then when they do, they feel no real difference, but insist on doing the "pull out the waistband" thing to show they've actually done something. Almost proving the punishment of weight loss had some sort of visible outcome, because emotionally they're not too different from before.

    All your other "likes" refer to something entirely outside of an eating disorder. It's about self-worth. Finding control, usefulness, purpose to your life. It's nothing to do with being anorexic/bulimic etc, it's about you trying to find something you're meant for in life, your proficiency, and in a world that's totally chaotic, this is the one quantifiable thing you can completely control.

    This exercise exposes what you really, truly value about your life and what the ED does for you, and it's clear the scales of pro to con are very much in the favour of the ED = con side in your case. X
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You know, I am incredibly proud that you took the time and were entirely honest. What comes out of this is that we can see you're an exceptionally empathetic person; your first "hates" show that it's all pain; physical personal pain, outward projected pain onto your parents, lethargy, punishment, hatred. You almost seem to be punishing yourself... for punishing yourself. That is a cycle of hatred that will never end, and if you're always punishing yourself for punishing yourself, then you can see where the single outcome is, right?

    In contrast, your "Likes" are all very empty-sounding. "I get a bit of a high when I step on scales" - it's momentary. A mere two or three seconds out of your entire day. "I'm not overweight any more". That almost seems like you counteracted one thing you THOUGHT was a problem with... an actual REAL problem. I've spoken to many a happy overweight person who always say "I wish I could lose weight!" - and then when they do, they feel no real difference, but insist on doing the "pull out the waistband" thing to show they've actually done something. Almost proving the punishment of weight loss had some sort of visible outcome, because emotionally they're not too different from before.

    All your other "likes" refer to something entirely outside of an eating disorder. It's about self-worth. Finding control, usefulness, purpose to your life. It's nothing to do with being anorexic/bulimic etc, it's about you trying to find something you're meant for in life, your proficiency, and in a world that's totally chaotic, this is the one quantifiable thing you can completely control.

    This exercise exposes what you really, truly value about your life and what the ED does for you, and it's clear the scales of pro to con are very much in the favour of the ED = con side in your case. X
    I don't even know what to say to that :s I'm so confused about what i want. I know I don't want this. I know I need to fix it. But at the same time it's all I know now and I feel worse when I do eat, which results in more punishment. I think I need help. I'm just too scared to get it


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    5 things I hate

    - Even if I wanted to be completely free, it's too strong for me to take on alone.
    - It makes me an uptight, less fun person.
    - It wastes a lot of my time.
    - It is dangerous for my health.
    - Being sad.

    5 things I like

    Spoiler:
    Show


    - I can just give in and don't have to be so confused.
    - I felt I blended into the background and became less socially anxious.
    - I was skinnier than all my friends so it didn't matter if I was a worse person.
    - Actually meeting my goals (something I don't often do).
    - Getting control.



    Toto is right, the 'likes' are not worth risking your life and happiness.
    • #154
    #154

    Things I hate:

    1. What it's done to my relationship with my parents (didn't realise this until a few days ago )
    2. Feeling like crap ALL the time
    3. What I see in the mirror
    4. My body
    5.Having no social life at all

    Things I like:

    1. The fact I've been loosing weight
    2. Happy for once in my life
    3. It puts me on top of the world when I see the scale going down, and eating less
    4. It gives me a sense of hope that I'm actually worth something
    5. Aaaaand I can't think of a 5th lol
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    Cinnie, Latest Anon;

    What I'm gathering from you guys:

    Cinnie - Your overriding feelings when it comes to the illness seems to be that it has made you very, very sad overall. You and I have a lot in common; it appears to be that the ED gave you a "snowglobe" effect. What I mean is, it created a miniature, very idyllic world for you to exist in that you could live inside and view the real world from within... in control, and in safety. In reality, it is a cage; it saddens you.

    Truth is, every girl wants to be a princess, right? But nobody ever considers that to be a princess, you need to be Rapunzel, trapped in a tower for the rest of your life. It's weird how something so arbitrarily important as a title - "princess" in the metaphor referring of course to "thin" or "eating disorder" or "control" - to be the "princess", to gain the "control", you must resign yourself to the fact you will forever be alone, trapped in a tower, your own little world, always seeing the light of day but never ever living it.


    Anon - I think your case is more superficial. Not flippantly so; I wouldn't say you're more superficial as a person, but I think your reasons are a bit more straightforward. Your reasons against are pretty much that you hate your body and the way you look; in fact, you've repeated the same points numerous times. I think your self-deploring needs to be addressed. You're offsetting something about yourself you fundamentally dislike; it probably isn't even the way you look at all. Perhaps you dislike something about your achievements, your direction, your attitude? Many eating disorder sufferers try to project something that they cannot see (ie, emotive issues) onto an exterior plane. That might mean that hypothetically if you disliked how you might always rush headlong into a loving relationship, you may feel you give love away too easily, and that in turn may transform into an infatuation with making yourself more attractive in order to create a more valid, "lovable" physical form for a partner. The issues are very complex, but it's obvious you value the physicality of it; I just don't believe it's only about your body and nothing more cerebral than that.

    And the fact that the plus points you mentioned are just variations on "I can lose weight, and that makes me happy" feed into the "against" points I made (not to mention you struggled to complete a list of five points why you like your ED!!) - I know you do not like the ED deep down... this is why you struggled to make excuses for it. Don't worry, we all do it... it's just that sometimes, we convince ourselves what we're doing is right, even if it inherently isn't. It's the name of the game in ED-Land. x
    • #75
    #75

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Okay, people! I'd like to ask all of you that frequent this thread to take part in a simple exercise to help you better gauge your eating disorder. It might help you reflect on your motives a little; if not, nothing lost, right?

    You may well be surprised by what you write.
    If only there were more people like you in this world. I admire how you take the time to respond to so many things people say and just little things like this to keep everyone motivated. I wish everyone was this caring. Even though I rarely write on here, I'd still just like to say thanks for everything xx
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    5 things I hate

    1. It is so tiring and time consuming, constantly thinking/worrying/calculating
    2. I have pushed a lot of people away who are important to me
    3. Can see how much family worry/hurt at times
    4. It's never ending, all 'goals' and 'targets' are temporary and just go on and on
    5. It controls my life

    5 things I like
    1. It's given me a better understanding of mental disorders
    2. I'm a nicer person now than I was before (more time for people, patience, sympathy in general)
    3. I'm more successful with the opposite sex than before I lost weight
    4. Everything happens for a reason, I've met people I wouldn't have met and done things I wouldn't have done through the disease and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
    5. The food obsession has given me greater interest, knowledge and passion for food (irony, ha)
    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Cinnie, Latest Anon;

    What I'm gathering from you guys:

    Cinnie - Your overriding feelings when it comes to the illness seems to be that it has made you very, very sad overall. You and I have a lot in common; it appears to be that the ED gave you a "snowglobe" effect. What I mean is, it created a miniature, very idyllic world for you to exist in that you could live inside and view the real world from within... in control, and in safety. In reality, it is a cage; it saddens you.

    Truth is, every girl wants to be a princess, right? But nobody ever considers that to be a princess, you need to be Rapunzel, trapped in a tower for the rest of your life. It's weird how something so arbitrarily important as a title - "princess" in the metaphor referring of course to "thin" or "eating disorder" or "control" - to be the "princess", to gain the "control", you must resign yourself to the fact you will forever be alone, trapped in a tower, your own little world, always seeing the light of day but never ever living it.


    Anon - I think your case is more superficial. Not flippantly so; I wouldn't say you're more superficial as a person, but I think your reasons are a bit more straightforward. Your reasons against are pretty much that you hate your body and the way you look; in fact, you've repeated the same points numerous times. I think your self-deploring needs to be addressed. You're offsetting something about yourself you fundamentally dislike; it probably isn't even the way you look at all. Perhaps you dislike something about your achievements, your direction, your attitude? Many eating disorder sufferers try to project something that they cannot see (ie, emotive issues) onto an exterior plane. That might mean that hypothetically if you disliked how you might always rush headlong into a loving relationship, you may feel you give love away too easily, and that in turn may transform into an infatuation with making yourself more attractive in order to create a more valid, "lovable" physical form for a partner. The issues are very complex, but it's obvious you value the physicality of it; I just don't believe it's only about your body and nothing more cerebral than that.

    And the fact that the plus points you mentioned are just variations on "I can lose weight, and that makes me happy" feed into the "against" points I made (not to mention you struggled to complete a list of five points why you like your ED!!) - I know you do not like the ED deep down... this is why you struggled to make excuses for it. Don't worry, we all do it... it's just that sometimes, we convince ourselves what we're doing is right, even if it inherently isn't. It's the name of the game in ED-Land. x
    I know *sigh* I know. "Stuff" has happened previously.. rather not go into detail about it on here.. but tbh I think what happened is what made me like this today.

    I really could not finish the things I like about an ED! Spent ages thinking and nothing came to mind :/.

    I posted here saying I told my parents a few days ago.. well, yeah they were raging, they said they had an inkling of what was happening and stuff.. words were said, all hell broke loose. And now they're literally force-feeding me. Okay well not literally but they give me a meal and will not move till I finish every last bit on the plate. I sat today for a few hours refusing to eat, they never gave in either. Eventually I ate the damn thing, felt **** about it. But grrr how do people believe they have a problem?! Like I know that there's something not right about this... but I don't believe it, and I don't know why
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    NOt all ED-related but in conjunction with all the other stuff:

    1. Made me nearly die and almost forced myself to be voluntarily sectioned
    2. Killed my social life painfully slow over the course of 3 years to the point I almost don't bother talking to people because they 'already hate me'.
    3. I believe it made me stupider/less interesting than I was, hell I'd go as far as to say it has effectively dehumanised me and made me a creature of primarily logic trying to relearn the chaotic and spontaneous nature of human emotion. Which makes me want to cry. So not exactly a barrel of laughs, this food problem faff.
    I'd say it's made me less of a nice person, more vain and egocentric, but also needy and emotionally lacking.
    4. Destroyed my confidence in my work, my social skills, my hobbies. Quit a musical because of stress induced by it, spent most of first year/A2s hibernating/trying to figure out the secret to not dying at 18.
    5. Most recently ****ed up my first semester of year 2 from really bad binging coming out of depression. So potentially, my ED has scuppered my career options for a while.

    What I like? hmmm

    Spoiler:
    Show

    1. Easier than facing my fears (which seem mostly built around social anxiety, some fear of growing up and having independence from my family and past, and a distinct fear of romantic relationships/yep, women. I am the 'nice guy', ladies. I hate it. No-one respects you and you don't respect yourself but you don't know why.

    So the word love is still gngngng
    2. Can act out a fantasy where I'm above the rest of humanity, holier-than-thou, at worst playing God, huuuuge ego-trip. And at the same time a chance to wreak waves of self-pity and hatred on myself. It's like loving and hating yourself at the same for the same reason and getting to feel nothing, which is nice and numb.
    3. Gives me an ego-boost (well this one's a bit strange, first being skinny did, now I want to be built, but still the same excessive self-worth based around body and control of diet I think...)
    gets me a little bit, erm, perkier downstairs, and I can kill the desire if I want to. Tbh I reckon it has helped with potential relationships in some superficial way.
    4. Gives structure to the day, sense of achievement where elsewhere it's lacking. Not properly in societies, not volunteering, no job internship or anything and my grades are slipping but hey, at least I look good! :rollseyes
    5. This one is actually sort of good because being mostly 'healthy' is useful for fitness and music (like singing, somehow it's easier when I do it. But it's such a fine line.
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    Thank you Toto. I felt so alone today and I am ending it feeling a bit warmer inside You really get me and your words are so perfect.
 
 
 
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