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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Toto, although I have recovered (almost 3 years, eeeeeeee!), I would like to do this because it's ED Awareness Week.

    What I hated about my ED:
    1. It stopped me from being a normal teenager.
    2. It killed my social life.
    3. It hurt my mother and caused her to get depression.
    4. It took away all the pleasures I had in life.
    5. It almost killed me.

    What I liked about my ED:
    Spoiler:
    Show

    1. I used to love the adrenaline rush when I saw that my weight had dropped. I was addicted to losing weight and it caused euphoria when I managed to lose weight or consume less calories than my maximum intake.
    2. It distracted me from what was really wrong in my life.
    3. It gave me a sense of worth. I was ugly and horrible but I was good at being anorexic and someone one day would notice that and tell me I was worth something.
    4. It was a way for me to cope with all my dark thoughts.
    5. I felt that I deserved the punishment that anorexia put my body through. I was too afraid of blood to SH so anorexia was the next best thing.


    I cannot stress enough how good it is to be recovered. Although there were things I 'liked' about having an ED, it stole my whole life from me.

    To raise awareness, I have written an article for my uni's newspaper; as soon as it's online I'll post it here. I hope it will be of use because I address the glamorisation of EDs and how the reality is extremely different. Stay strong my lovelies x
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    MelissaJayne, Riku and Jazzy, it's astounding how you guys have changed and your maturity towards your inherent ED issues since even this thread began. I always feel touched and honoured to have been involved in your progress; you've gone far, far beyond the usual understanding and logic and started to use your "veteran instinct" in the field of EDs to use your problems in a way that actually BENEFITS you.

    This ability to channel your weakness into a healthy life path is astounding; they say the weakest aspect of your personality is the strongest you can ever be overall. But I am a firm believer that you get better NOT by getting stronger, but by making your weaknesses less debilitating! And if you can make what originally made you weak in the first place INTO your armour, then what a revelation, guys.
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    Though I tend to be strong almost all days, today I fell foul to my most odious of pity-thoughts.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I chanced upon one of my gran's friends in Marks and Spencer and all she talked about is "how much fatter you've gotten! Look at you, you're much, much fatter than when I last saw you, aren't you? You must be eating well, I'll tell you!" - I am not exaggerating to say this was a good five to ten minutes, non-stop, with a nudge to her friend she was with - "Isn't he? Isn't he that much fatter now?" - I had not really done my "self judgement" thing in a while, but it tipped me over the edge and I did the profiling thing in the mirror. Had a stone in weight (7st 3 to now, 8st 3) to get me to BMI 18.4 really made me so different?! I checked myself and I deemed so much flab, so much fault; I know when you gain quickly it attaches to the most unwanted of areas, but it was overwhelming.

    After a few tears, a few breathing exercises and a bit of self-imposed zen, I tried to piece together some reasoning. But it still hurt me very deeply. Tact is a gift I'm afraid not all of us possess, and I pinned it down to this. I know I'm bigger now, but it is not something I dwell on religiously lest I become obsessed again. But when someone keeps going, "FAT! FAT FAT LOOK, FAT" right into your face, then it becomes difficult to obscure.

    Keep strong, keep fighting, because I don't need to rely on the demon any longer, even when the alternative is to listen to old women ripping me solid.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Though I tend to be strong almost all days, today I fell foul to my most odious of pity-thoughts.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I chanced upon one of my gran's friends in Marks and Spencer and all she talked about is "how much fatter you've gotten! Look at you, you're much, much fatter than when I last saw you, aren't you? You must be eating well, I'll tell you!" - I am not exaggerating to say this was a good five to ten minutes, non-stop, with a nudge to her friend she was with - "Isn't he? Isn't he that much fatter now?" - I had not really done my "self judgement" thing in a while, but it tipped me over the edge and I did the profiling thing in the mirror. Had a stone in weight (7st 3 to now, 8st 3) to get me to BMI 18.4 really made me so different?! I checked myself and I deemed so much flab, so much fault; I know when you gain quickly it attaches to the most unwanted of areas, but it was overwhelming.

    After a few tears, a few breathing exercises and a bit of self-imposed zen, I tried to piece together some reasoning. But it still hurt me very deeply. Tact is a gift I'm afraid not all of us possess, and I pinned it down to this. I know I'm bigger now, but it is not something I dwell on religiously lest I become obsessed again. But when someone keeps going, "FAT! FAT FAT LOOK, FAT" right into your face, then it becomes difficult to obscure.

    Keep strong, keep fighting, because I don't need to rely on the demon any longer, even when the alternative is to listen to old women ripping me solid.
    You are honestly such an inspiration. I have no idea what this thread would do without you x


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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Though I tend to be strong almost all days, today I fell foul to my most odious of pity-thoughts.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I chanced upon one of my gran's friends in Marks and Spencer and all she talked about is "how much fatter you've gotten! Look at you, you're much, much fatter than when I last saw you, aren't you? You must be eating well, I'll tell you!" - I am not exaggerating to say this was a good five to ten minutes, non-stop, with a nudge to her friend she was with - "Isn't he? Isn't he that much fatter now?" - I had not really done my "self judgement" thing in a while, but it tipped me over the edge and I did the profiling thing in the mirror. Had a stone in weight (7st 3 to now, 8st 3) to get me to BMI 18.4 really made me so different?! I checked myself and I deemed so much flab, so much fault; I know when you gain quickly it attaches to the most unwanted of areas, but it was overwhelming.

    After a few tears, a few breathing exercises and a bit of self-imposed zen, I tried to piece together some reasoning. But it still hurt me very deeply. Tact is a gift I'm afraid not all of us possess, and I pinned it down to this. I know I'm bigger now, but it is not something I dwell on religiously lest I become obsessed again. But when someone keeps going, "FAT! FAT FAT LOOK, FAT" right into your face, then it becomes difficult to obscure.

    Keep strong, keep fighting, because I don't need to rely on the demon any longer, even when the alternative is to listen to old women ripping me solid.
    That fourteen pounds didn't make you fourteen pounds 'fatter', Toto - it made you fourteen pounds more awesome. Fourteen pounds stronger. Fourteen more pounds of life. Try to be kind to yourself xx
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    TotoMimo: Your strength, concern and advice for others is nothing short of inspirational, and it's 'okay' to have times where you find yourself struggling. That sounds horrendous, but honestly, one old lady's opinion should not hinder how far you've come. I don't know, but in older generations "fatter" may be more synonymous with "healthier". And anyway, I doubt a stone has made that much difference, and it sounds like this was a quick gain, and weight can take a good few months or longer to redistribute. Also, 18.4 BMI is hardly fat!


    You can fight through this :hugs:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Though I tend to be strong almost all days, today I fell foul to my most odious of pity-thoughts.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I chanced upon one of my gran's friends in Marks and Spencer and all she talked about is "how much fatter you've gotten! Look at you, you're much, much fatter than when I last saw you, aren't you? You must be eating well, I'll tell you!" - I am not exaggerating to say this was a good five to ten minutes, non-stop, with a nudge to her friend she was with - "Isn't he? Isn't he that much fatter now?" - I had not really done my "self judgement" thing in a while, but it tipped me over the edge and I did the profiling thing in the mirror. Had a stone in weight (7st 3 to now, 8st 3) to get me to BMI 18.4 really made me so different?! I checked myself and I deemed so much flab, so much fault; I know when you gain quickly it attaches to the most unwanted of areas, but it was overwhelming.

    After a few tears, a few breathing exercises and a bit of self-imposed zen, I tried to piece together some reasoning. But it still hurt me very deeply. Tact is a gift I'm afraid not all of us possess, and I pinned it down to this. I know I'm bigger now, but it is not something I dwell on religiously lest I become obsessed again. But when someone keeps going, "FAT! FAT FAT LOOK, FAT" right into your face, then it becomes difficult to obscure.

    Keep strong, keep fighting, because I don't need to rely on the demon any longer, even when the alternative is to listen to old women ripping me solid.
    *hugs*

    You know 8st 3 is still a very slight frame for a man to be carrying, right? And your BMI certainly reflects that, pretty sure that still falls in underweight category. We're victims of our own previous low-weights when it comes to public opinion, yes we WILL look bigger to people..because we were so painfully small. And the more ill we were, the more dramatic this'll probably look too. And from your stories, you were more ill than most people I've known to suffer with it, ever.
    Adding to this the fact that the dear was old, (THEY GOT NO TACT SOMETIMES THOSE OLDIES!) She probably thought she was saying something you'd LIKE to hear too, with the war and what not and rations they always associate fat and weight with health and vibrancy, not the negative connotations we often find today.

    You're an inspiration to us all, every day..but you're not invincible, you're allowed your occasional mental blip - as long as you don't let it throw you off your journey of recovery because you haven't reached the end of that road yet, it is a long and windy road..but keep going and don't let the dark thoughts creep back in, they've been DYING for an opportunity to do so!
    • #83
    #83

    Things I hated:
    1. I was obsessed. All day I was thinking about how many calories I had eaten and how many I had burned.
    2. I lost my periods.
    3. People made negative comments.
    4. Spent most of my first term at uni binging and purging.
    5. I can never look at food in a normal way again..

    Things I liked:
    1. When the number on the scale dropped it made me feel happy. I was proud and it made me smile.
    2. People noticed.
    3. I felt in control of at least one thing in my life.
    4. I was really good at it.
    5. I was thinner than I ever thought I could get, and I liked that.
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    Sorry to hear about her being insensitive Toto. Some people are very ignorant about mental health. Especially mens.

    ----------------

    I have a bit of advice to ask. Is it normal for parents to get so upset? I feel like it's all my fault and it makes me feel so guilty. I quit my job because I feel so embarrassed about my body, I couldn't help it, it has led me to contemplate doing something stupid every day for weeks. I know it was the ED making me quit, but I was powerless.

    I told my Mum today and she has been sobbing for the last 3 hours. I don't know what to do. My brother has cancer and she is screaming that she can't take any more. I don't know what i'm asking, actually. Does anyone have any similar experiences? What should I say to her? I want to get better but I have absolutely no choice about how awful I feel about myself. All I can do is concentrate on sorting my eating behaviours. It's taking everything to try and stop convincing myself to not restrict. But it's not enough for her.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Sorry to hear about her being insensitive Toto. Some people are very ignorant about mental health. Especially mens.

    ----------------

    I have a bit of advice to ask. Is it normal for parents to get so upset? I feel like it's all my fault and it makes me feel so guilty. I quit my job because I feel so embarrassed about my body, I couldn't help it, it has led me to contemplate doing something stupid every day for weeks. I know it was the ED making me quit, but I was powerless.

    I told my Mum today and she has been sobbing for the last 3 hours. I don't know what to do. My brother has cancer and she is screaming that she can't take any more. I don't know what i'm asking, actually. Does anyone have any similar experiences? What should I say to her? I want to get better but I have absolutely no choice about how awful I feel about myself. All I can do is concentrate on sorting my eating behaviours. It's taking everything to try and stop convincing myself to not restrict. But it's not enough for her.
    Sorry to hear all this Cinnie. You really don't deserve such upset or unnecessary worry in your life, you have nothing to feel insecure or embarrassed about, seriously. I guess all parents are different..but your Mum is just human, she cares. She has strong love for you and she probably feels helpless and her emotions are all flying off the handle in all directions because of this frustration she feels. As you said, all you can do is concentrate on your eating behaviours and sorting them; it's a long, slow and hard process for all involved and she and you will both have times of extreme upset throughout but just get to that goal of normality and safety and good health and I'm sure everyone will be happier.

    My mum is very different. She has a seriously massive drinking problem (that's not me being dramatic, she starts drinking every day at about 11am and without fail gets drunk) and when she doesn't drink (about one day in every 10) she locks herself in her room and doesn't talk to me all day. My dad (who doesn't live with me) takes me to my therapy for CBT and always has, she doesn't even ask me if I'm okay or how the meetings go. When I was at my most ill, I said to her if she tried to stop drinking or see someone about it, I'd eat whatever she wanted me to (probably shouldn't have blackmailed her like that) but she didn't even try to do that..so it made me think she really doesn't care. She has always lavished us with gifts and thrown money at us kids but I feel her love is very superficial and really for her, her world is all about herself and her drink and us kids are just little accessories to her life story.

    When I think about all this, I think maybe a reason I started with the ED was to try and get some reaction from her. It's like I just want to shock her enough for her to change her ways or be shaken up but she's totally unaffected. No matter how many dramas/traumas are caused by her boozing, it never alters it, if anything it just enhances it. I realise this isn't a therapy session but the speak of Mum's just kinda got me off on one. Sorry folks!
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    x
    I'm really glad you shared that, Mel. That must be really hard to deal with and it's totally understandable where your ED came from. When everything seems hopeless it's a relief to know you're not the only one.

    My Mum is putting every ounce of her thoughts into trying to do everything she can to sort out me and my brothers health. I often wish she would try not to get so emotionally exhausted from it all but I guess it's just how she deals with things and she can't help it. I guess your Mum has done the opposite and blocked life out with alcohol. I guess we can't try to change them.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    I'm really glad you shared that, Mel. That must be really hard to deal with and it's totally understandable where your ED came from. When everything seems hopeless it's a relief to know you're not the only one.

    My Mum is putting every ounce of her thoughts into trying to do everything she can to sort out me and my brothers health. I often wish she would try not to get so emotionally exhausted from it all but I guess it's just how she deals with things and she can't help it. I guess your Mum has done the opposite and blocked life out with alcohol. I guess we can't try to change them.
    You're exactly right, we can't. But we can change ourselves and our future. Don't do it for anyone else though, do it for yourself. If it's not for us, we will always find some excuse or way out of it or around it, placing blame elsewhere. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother too, is he getting better? x
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    You're exactly right, we can't. But we can change ourselves and our future. Don't do it for anyone else though, do it for yourself. If it's not for us, we will always find some excuse or way out of it or around it, placing blame elsewhere. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother too, is he getting better? x
    I hope so Mel I have actually made a revelation today, which has kind of turned the evening around. I know it's stupid to self-diagnose health problems, but i'm going to ask the doctor about borderline personality disorder. I didn't know what it was until today and looked up the symptoms and can't believe it. It's like a description of myself. Anyway it might provide some answers.

    My brothers condition is unfortunately inoperable. It's a matter of time, but that time could be months, years or tens of years. At the moment there are 'no significant changes', which is good xxx
    • #30
    #30

    HATE
    1. Ruins my relationships/lack of normal friends
    2. Ruins my ability to study & I'm close to being kicked out of med school
    3. Makes me feel depressed
    4. Makes me a moody *****
    5. I'm wasting my life on the ED

    LIKE
    1. Something I know I can do/control (food intake, weight etc)
    2. Being thinner than I would be without an ED
    3. Decent knowledge & understanding of food, nutrition, fitness etc.
    4. My private world, secrets I keep to myself
    5. The high of losing weight (which never lasts!)
    • #30
    #30

    I never knew daycare would be so stressful. I guess when you're spending every day with 8 other crazy people and being forced to eat and talk openly, it's quite intense.

    Also I keep fighting with my head. On the one hand I know I should follow the meal plan. On the other hand I keep thinking of ways to reduce the plan/hide food/cheat.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    I hope so Mel I have actually made a revelation today, which has kind of turned the evening around. I know it's stupid to self-diagnose health problems, but i'm going to ask the doctor about borderline personality disorder. I didn't know what it was until today and looked up the symptoms and can't believe it. It's like a description of myself. Anyway it might provide some answers.

    My brothers condition is unfortunately inoperable. It's a matter of time, but that time could be months, years or tens of years. At the moment there are 'no significant changes', which is good xxx
    You sound such a strong person, you'll best this ED and any other disorder. X
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    You sound such a strong person, you'll best this ED and any other disorder. X
    I have no doubts we'll be in the recovered club together x
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    urgh. knew this actually liking part of my body thing wouldnt last.
    probably not surprising that the end of this coincides with me coming down with a horrid tummy bug and feeling awful.
    • #48
    #48

    Having a bad day I'm going out tonight with my housemates (which I'm pretty anxious about tbh) and because one of them has to get up very early in the morning tomorrow we're heading off around dinner time and staying out til 2am ish... anxiety is ridiculously high and now I can't stop thinking that if I don't eat anything today then the alcohol I consume will be cancelled out :rolleyes: Just wish I could be normal for once. Just have a nice day, where I don't worry about food, where alcohol isn't some massive block of fat that I'm consuming, where I can and dance and have fun and not be thinking about it like it's an exercise regime. I'm sick of everything about myself, where I live, where I am in life, how I look, what I eat, what I don't do enough of (studying and gyming), who thinks I'm nice and who hates me :rolleyes:

    Must be nice to be normal. Pretty boring I guess, but nice.
    • #165
    #165

    i dont know what to do.

    ive had an ED for over 6 years. in hospital for 3 years. sectioned for 2 of those... i taught myself my gcse's as levels and finally managed to get back to college for a levels. it was so so hard but im so happy with where i got to...
    i started uni in october. everything was good then i began to struggle with food, thoughts, etc but i knew that things would improve when i went home for xmas, was with my family for a bit and had some regular good home food in me!!(i actually wanted to regain any weight that i had lost)... however, tragically after an illness of just 3 weeks, my father died.
    now 5 weeks on (and back at uni) ive never felt so low. i cant continue like this. every second im working out how much i ate, what i should eat, etc. it like ive forgotten everything i learnt in the last few years.
    everyone in my family is struggling so much with the death of my dad. and i must just look so so so selfish. my mum says i have to get better for him but its got to the stage now that i just cant do it. i hate myself for doing this.
    does anyone have any advice. please?
 
 
 
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