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    i dont know what to do. ive had an ED for over 6 years. in hospital for 3 years. sectioned for 2 of those... i taught myself my gcse's as levels and finally managed to get back to college for a levels. it was so so hard but im so happy with where i got to...i started uni in october. everything was good then i began to struggle with food, thoughts, etc but i knew that things would improve when i went home for xmas, was with my family for a bit and had some regular good home food in me!!(i actually wanted to regain any weight that i had lost)... however, tragically after an illness of just 3 weeks, my father died. now 5 weeks on (and back at uni) ive never felt so low. i cant continue like this. every second im working out how much i ate, what i should eat, etc. it like ive forgotten everything i learnt in the last few years. everyone in my family is struggling so much with the death of my dad. and i must just look so so so selfish. my mum says i have to get better for him but its got to the stage now that i just cant do it. i hate myself for doing this. does anyone have any advice. please?
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    (Original post by ...myname)
    i dont know what to do. ive had an ED for over 6 years. in hospital for 3 years. sectioned for 2 of those... i taught myself my gcse's as levels and finally managed to get back to college for a levels. it was so so hard but im so happy with where i got to...i started uni in october. everything was good then i began to struggle with food, thoughts, etc but i knew that things would improve when i went home for xmas, was with my family for a bit and had some regular good home food in me!!(i actually wanted to regain any weight that i had lost)... however, tragically after an illness of just 3 weeks, my father died. now 5 weeks on (and back at uni) ive never felt so low. i cant continue like this. every second im working out how much i ate, what i should eat, etc. it like ive forgotten everything i learnt in the last few years. everyone in my family is struggling so much with the death of my dad. and i must just look so so so selfish. my mum says i have to get better for him but its got to the stage now that i just cant do it. i hate myself for doing this. does anyone have any advice. please?
    Hey. Sorry to hear this. By the sounds of your story you have immense will power and personal strength by getting yourself into University, that is totally admirable. Use this strength for the POSITIVE..rather than the NEGATIVE. Sometimes an ED is a victim of our own successful characteristics of being perfectionists, self-restrained etc to the point we take it too far and eventually lose control. It sounds like you've lost control of yourself a bit now, so maybe hand the reins over to someone else until you're in a better place mentally? CBT therapy perhaps? I would definitely say going to your Doctor or GP would be a good place to start.
    You cannot continue on this path, if not only for your family who are having a rough time right now (very sorry to hear about your father) but for yourself and your ambitions. You clearly have goals in life and want to achieve great things as you wouldn't have put all the hard studying in at getting into university if not.

    xx

    p.s. on a side note to anyone having a bad day or feeling sad, try watching New Girl. It ALWAYS cheers me up.
    http://www.1channel.ch/tv-2727143-New-Girl/
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    p.s. on a side note to anyone having a bad day or feeling sad, try watching New Girl. It ALWAYS cheers me up.
    http://www.1channel.ch/tv-2727143-New-Girl/
    this. and a mug of hot chocolate. I'm getting dragged out by the flatmates to this thing over at the other student village, despite feeling poorly - still- i'm off, otherwise they'll spend all week telling me how i've missed out.
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    I've found myself MIA from this thread, but I am not abandoning you in your hour of need, my ED-stricken brethren.

    Your kind words are really helping me; this week has been something of a toughie for me but having spent some time with my psychiatric consultant, my anxieties are dulling somewhat. I'm afraid in my clouded state I'm not the best to offer advice today; though it seems MelissaJayne and Cinnie have been helping out our new members (and each other) more than adequately!

    Super-proud of all of you as I always am.

    (I have placed spoilers on my own details to illustrate why I'll be MIA for perhaps another day or two).
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I am a firm believer that fate tends to send a barrage of tests, not just one, at any time. After facing yet another slew of "fattening up" comments, I received an almost identical scenario yesterday; and inexplicably the days between the initial "hit" and now, I had dropped to sub-1700 calorie daily allowance in an attempt to give myself maybe just a superficial "nudge" to prove that I could still "show them!!" - in this time, I've actually GAINED three pounds.

    At 117lb now I am heavier than I've ever been in recent memory and I think the fact that I was trying to purposely show my own subconscious I still had that power over myself to lose a pound IF I WANTED, and it didn't only have the opposite effect but the MEGA OPPOSITE effect... well, I just feel lost. Helpless, even; I will go back to my daily maintenance calories, sure, but... I personally don't feel like I'm in the right place to offer constructive, level-headed advice to my friends and anxious peers on here *just* yet.


    I really want you all to keep going and realise I hope this proves that even this far down the line, we can all still face the direst of days throughout recovery. Thankfully at this point, we are aware of our follies and can chalk it up, try to face it head-on.
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    Sorry, I wish I could be of use right now, but got badly triggered over the weekend and don't feel in the best place to give reasoned advice.
    Thinking of you. My love to all :hugs:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    .
    Oh hun
    Spoiler:
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    I really can't see how you've possibly gained 3 pounds in fat with under 1700 calories a day. Not all weight is equal - maybe your body is desperately storing water, or your digestive system has slowed because it's scared.

    Anyway, say you have gained that much... 117lb is not in any way big or even healthy for a man. I know you know this, but i'm just reinforcing this... you are putting SO much pressure on yourself to keep borderline underweight. Would 120lb be bad? Would 126lb be bad? Would 140lb be bad? Nope they'd all still be slim. And i've seen your photos, you are very thin.

    I want to punch these people who are mocking your weight gain. I guess people have seen you near to death and are just loosening up around you. They feel like that because you have gained weight, you don't want to be skinny and you are comfortable with yourself. Just remember, if you were actually big, they would probably not be joking about it.
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've found myself MIA from this thread, but I am not abandoning you in your hour of need, my ED-stricken brethren.

    Your kind words are really helping me; this week has been something of a toughie for me but having spent some time with my psychiatric consultant, my anxieties are dulling somewhat. I'm afraid in my clouded state I'm not the best to offer advice today; though it seems MelissaJayne and Cinnie have been helping out our new members (and each other) more than adequately!

    Super-proud of all of you as I always am.
    [snip]
    I really want you all to keep going and realise I hope this proves that even this far down the line, we can all still face the direst of days throughout recovery. Thankfully at this point, we are aware of our follies and can chalk it up, try to face it head-on.
    -glomps-
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've found myself MIA from this thread, but I am not abandoning you in your hour of need, my ED-stricken brethren.

    Your kind words are really helping me; this week has been something of a toughie for me but having spent some time with my psychiatric consultant, my anxieties are dulling somewhat. I'm afraid in my clouded state I'm not the best to offer advice today; though it seems MelissaJayne and Cinnie have been helping out our new members (and each other) more than adequately!

    Super-proud of all of you as I always am.

    (I have placed spoilers on my own details to illustrate why I'll be MIA for perhaps another day or two).
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I am a firm believer that fate tends to send a barrage of tests, not just one, at any time. After facing yet another slew of "fattening up" comments, I received an almost identical scenario yesterday; and inexplicably the days between the initial "hit" and now, I had dropped to sub-1700 calorie daily allowance in an attempt to give myself maybe just a superficial "nudge" to prove that I could still "show them!!" - in this time, I've actually GAINED three pounds.

    At 117lb now I am heavier than I've ever been in recent memory and I think the fact that I was trying to purposely show my own subconscious I still had that power over myself to lose a pound IF I WANTED, and it didn't only have the opposite effect but the MEGA OPPOSITE effect... well, I just feel lost. Helpless, even; I will go back to my daily maintenance calories, sure, but... I personally don't feel like I'm in the right place to offer constructive, level-headed advice to my friends and anxious peers on here *just* yet.


    I really want you all to keep going and realise I hope this proves that even this far down the line, we can all still face the direst of days throughout recovery. Thankfully at this point, we are aware of our follies and can chalk it up, try to face it head-on.
    -hugs-

    What are you trying to prove to yourself though, and why do you feel the need? You're fantastic Tommy, in so many different ways. Witty, intelligent, artistically a GOD, caring, kind, loving, supportive. An inspiration to us all. Yet a few comments make you judge yourself like this and you feel the need to restrict to prove to yourself you CAN do it. Jesus, really? You nearly died by doing it. I think we get it. Everyone gets it, you get it..deep down. It's just your ED trying to kick it's way back out again at the first opportunity. The pounds gain were probably as someone else said, a way of your body trying to fight back; resist the same desperate path it was put through before. Plus, you no doubt screwed up your metabolic rate etc in the process of nearly killing yourself with this disorder before and being the incredible thing the human body is, it's trying to adapt to that.

    I, for one, am glad. (Don't be mad at that) It's just weight loss would do nothing whatsoever to improve this situation or enhance your life. It'd just be one stepping stone back in crossing the river. You have to tread on every stone slowly, delicately, carefully to get to the other side - it's not an easy process, but going back one doesn't mean you can leap frog the next and go to a better place than you were before. It just means the whole thing is SLOWER and more painful and life consuming. And we do have to get to the end, no matter how hard it is. We can't hang around in this comfortable 'middle' forever because the truth of it is..the stones are gonna sink and take you with them.

    Get better my dear, lots of love x
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    Amazing advice once again Mel. I want your wordzzz =/
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    Do any of you have a close friend you talk to about your treatment/who comes with you to appointments?
    I've started the CBT properly and I'm getting very emotional at the moment and am relapsing again as it's too much to take on all on my own and there's no one to talk to about how it makes me feel. It's very isolating as you all know when you're trying to push and push yourself but then you're left to deal with the difficult feelings on your own. I just don't know whether it's a good idea to let someone know about something like this or whether it's better to stay strong and keep going alone in case someone else's interference makes it worse. What experiences have you had with talking about your therapies or having someone there?
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Do any of you have a close friend you talk to about your treatment/who comes with you to appointments?
    I've started the CBT properly and I'm getting very emotional at the moment and am relapsing again as it's too much to take on all on my own and there's no one to talk to about how it makes me feel. It's very isolating as you all know when you're trying to push and push yourself but then you're left to deal with the difficult feelings on your own. I just don't know whether it's a good idea to let someone know about something like this or whether it's better to stay strong and keep going alone in case someone else's interference makes it worse. What experiences have you had with talking about your therapies or having someone there?
    I have a close friend who's come to many of my appointments with me from the start and has been an absolute lifesaver. I'm not in therapy at the moment but I've really benefited from having him to talk to about things anyway - sometimes it helps to voice your anxieties to someone totally detached from the world of EDs because they can reassure you that they're totally nuts. My friend is very practical but also very understanding and I can trust him to be there when I just need to cry but also to tell me sternly when I need to pull myself together/if I'm just being a victim or whatever. I'd really really recommend you trying to find someone you can trust to open up to about this stuff - even if you just meet them after a session for coffee to talk things through or something, it could be so helpful. Hope you've got someone like this you feel you can speak to - remember you don't have to do it all by yourself! xx
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    I have a close friend who's come to many of my appointments with me from the start and has been an absolute lifesaver. I'm not in therapy at the moment but I've really benefited from having him to talk to about things anyway - sometimes it helps to voice your anxieties to someone totally detached from the world of EDs because they can reassure you that they're totally nuts. My friend is very practical but also very understanding and I can trust him to be there when I just need to cry but also to tell me sternly when I need to pull myself together/if I'm just being a victim or whatever. I'd really really recommend you trying to find someone you can trust to open up to about this stuff - even if you just meet them after a session for coffee to talk things through or something, it could be so helpful. Hope you've got someone like this you feel you can speak to - remember you don't have to do it all by yourself! xx
    Your friend sounds wonderful I may consider talking to one of my closer friends but a little scared of how they'll react, your post is helping me to see this as a good idea though thank you! xx
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    Guys, I wrote an article on anorexia for my uni's newspaper.

    http://issuu.com/exepose/docs/week1813

    Have a look if you want. I'm trying to tell people the truth about it and how it's not as glamorous as it seems. x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Guys, I wrote an article on anorexia for my uni's newspaper.

    http://issuu.com/exepose/docs/week1813

    Have a look if you want. I'm trying to tell people the truth about it and how it's not as glamorous as it seems. x
    Well done! I really hope this does raise awareness in your Uni


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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Well done! I really hope this does raise awareness in your Uni


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    Thank you! Yeah, there's a real problem with EDs here and it's so upsetting x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Thank you! Yeah, there's a real problem with EDs here and it's so upsetting x
    Hopefully you'll make a difference though! Thats one thing I'm really worried about. I'm starting Uni in September and I have a feeling it's going to be really bad for me :/ trying to think of it as a new start though


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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Guys, I wrote an article on anorexia for my uni's newspaper.

    http://issuu.com/exepose/docs/week1813

    Have a look if you want. I'm trying to tell people the truth about it and how it's not as glamorous as it seems. x
    This is brilliant Jazzy, congrats! I hope it makes an impact and can help those in need
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Hopefully you'll make a difference though! Thats one thing I'm really worried about. I'm starting Uni in September and I have a feeling it's going to be really bad for me :/ trying to think of it as a new start though


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    Don't worry! I actually found uni very liberating because I was my own boss and I didn't have my family watching me like a hawk regarding my food. x


    (Original post by Riku)
    This is brilliant Jazzy, congrats! I hope it makes an impact and can help those in need
    Thanks I had a girl email me last night about how she's suffering, so glad that it's made a difference to at least one person! x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Don't worry! I actually found uni very liberating because I was my own boss and I didn't have my family watching me like a hawk regarding my food. x
    That's what I mean though. I think I'll just stop eating :/ But I'm so excited to go so I'm looking at it like a fresh start!



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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Thank you! Yeah, there's a real problem with EDs here and it's so upsetting x
    Amazing article Jazzy. X
 
 
 
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