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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by dani_1991)
    You guys are incredible, this thread restores my faith nice people do exist in the world!

    Good luck to all you ED sufferers who've posted, and congratulations for taking the first step. Now just keep walking Baby steps and you'll soon be running!
    This kind of positive reinforcement is exactly what people need. I high five you, miss!

    The truth is, people with eating disorders and numerous social anxiety disorders are very often of far higher intellects than others. "The time spent thinking, others spend doing" is a great phrase. All that time you spend calculating, fretting, weighing, gauging - others are just living. Happy. Contented. Sometimes the ability to switch off and accept ignorance is bliss would be ideal, but we do not have that luxury.

    The difference though is that the higher tiers of mind have the opportunity to make that decision... and heal themselves. And those can be commended as the smartest of us all. So high fives to you guys!
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    (Original post by Vixen47)
    Haven't been here in a while...
    I've got some observations for those who are interested.

    Is it just me or does anyone else treat their eating disorder like a 'best friend' type of figure?

    For some strange reason boyfriend dearest seems to not want to speak to me and I don't want to force him into a conversation so I'm waiting to see if he decides to want to speak to me or acknowledge my existence. I don't know what's going on with my best friend but she's ignoring me. My family, who I've tried becoming independent of, are unexpectedly the people I'm becoming closer with because I seem to have lost the two of the most important people in my life (boyfriend and bestfriend). I don't know whether I've lost them temporarily (besst friend most probably is temporary -- she's done this before and came back when she needed something) or permanently, and I just don't know what to think. Since the beginning of the year, I've been totally clean, haven't had an 'anorexic thought', have been consuming around/at least 1200 calories and calmed down significantly on the exercise. I believe this is because of my boyfriend, because before him I used to isolate myself a lot from my family and friends and would fill that loneliness void with my eating disorder. He gave me a sort of happiness that I never really knew. However, now that I feel like I'm losing him, and I seem to have lost my best friend, and I have a few other stressors in my life, I'm starting to remember what life was like before they both came into it and while I'm trying hard not to isolate myself again, I realise the eating disorder thoughts are coming back. If I'm being completely honest then part of me wants my eating disorder to come back. This is going to sound strange/stupid/'off' but it's sort of like my eating disorder gave me a sense of purpose, or fulfillment, or something along those lines. I dunno. I guess it sort of numbs the feeling of loneliness. It's funny how I don't seem to be so physically dependent on it like I used to be. I mean, I'm not exactly ecstatic about my weight but I do feel a strong urge to keep my calories below 900-1000 and to do at least two workouts a day. This is the first time I've felt this urge since September/October last year. God, it's so bittersweet. I hate it but I've missed it.
    (Just to put it out there, I'm not looking for relationship advice if anyone's thinking of giving it, it's just something that's been bugging me because it's leading me to a relapse.)

    This all brings me back to Ana's Song, particularly the "I need you now somehow" line.
    Hmm, I'm listening to Ana's Song now and it made me realise that eating disorders, for those of us who have recovered/are on the road to recovery are sort of like the religious idea of god - some of us rely on the eating disorder(s) because we know at the back of our minds that it'll always be there whether it's a memory/desire/thought. The line "for as long as you're here" (I think that's how it went?) made me think this because people tend to believe god is omnipresent, which, like I mentioned before, the thought of an individual's eating disorder is for them. For me, it's almost as if my eating disorder acts as my mind's saviour when life starts going downhill for me.

    Oh god. Someone tell me if I sound stupid or completely ridiculous. I haven't really thought about what I'm writing -- I'm just writing everything I'm thinking as I'm thinking it. I can't help but laugh at myself. I thought I was so close to recovering. I was even considering upping my calories to 1400 until recently.

    Also, another thing I realised quite a while ago is that I'm more aware of the psychology behind my eating disorder than a lot of people are about theirs. I know this is something that is totally subjective to individuals, but I wonder if anyone else is like this? I mean, to elaborate, I'm keen on getting answers for things like the cause of my ED, the triggers for relapses, why I have certain behaviours (e.g. only eating with a fork or a teaspoon, cutting my food into small pieces, feeling uncomfortable eating in public or even in front of some people I have quite a close relationship with), etc. I don't know exactly how I can explain it in plain english but on psychoanalyticial terms, it's sort of like I've become so comfortable with analysing my subconscious that I'm now using that ability to understand my eating disorder on the unconscious level. I probably sound like I'm going crazy, but it is what it is. God help me...

    tl;dr 1. Does anyone else treat their eating disorder like a 'best friend' type of figure? Sort of like a surrogate which you go to in times of trouble, or when you anticipate trouble.
    2. Without the aid of a professional in the mental health field, is anyone else able to understand their eating disorder on a psychological level which the average person won't be able to? Like, do you look for and find answers behind your eating disorder? "The average person" can refer to the average mentally ill person, or the average person who isn't mentally ill.
    I'm sorry to hear about your friend and boyfriend : / it can be hard to cope with a friend suffering in any way, not just an ED, and unless you're trained a lot of the time friends and partners can feel out of their depth, like they can't help you. Or it could be they have things going on right now which they don't want to trouble you with, or with older friends that it's just been so long they feel awkward making first contact. You'd be surprised how often people wanted to say Hi but felt too scared to.
    Still it must feel awful for you right now but you can get through it without your ED. Don't let it pull you back in.
    ramble time x
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    Toto's right that it's a natural coping mechanism to become a friend when we feel so lonely or out of our comfort zone. But remember it's more like a manipulative, two-faced *****y friend who wants to see you break. My ED's never made me laugh and made me cry more times than I could care for,that's how I know it's a false friend. My real-life friends can get me splitting so hard I forget what I was worried about before they were around we all need friends and we all also need to treat ourselves as our best friend.
    I know I say this to everyone but anything that you know is a fool-proof, non-ED related coping mechanism? The best way to end a damaging behaviour is to replace it with something which re-energises you instead. For me it's playing music, singing, a good book/film or stroking my kitty hard to adapt and even think it's possible to do or think something good when you're at your lowest but practice makes perfect!
    It's basic things like that that help you to find yourself again, you know deep down your favourite hobby isn't really counting macros. You're doing well so cling on to what you know has been working for you

    Also with regards to the whole analysis thing, it's great to think through your own ideas and work things out on for yourself. At the same time you can't underestimate the benefit of talking about it. It doesn't have to be a professional or therapist, nor does it have to be intensive psychoanalysis/formal therapy, but anyone else you can let it out to who can empathise and give you a different, more balanced take on your feelings.

    (Just as an example, it took a year for me to be convinced I had significant anxiety problems manifesting in fear of food rather than dying of heart disease, another year to figure out what I was afraid of, and another year again to work out why. Never would have learned I was wrong if they'd let me just carry on counting calories and fat grams!
    It wasn't my therapist or my psychologist who taught me how to take things less seriously either, it was my mates. Having a laugh isn't taught in textbooks, apparently! :P)

    But also, as has already been said, sometimes the best way to deal with a seemingly never-ending problem is to walk away and do something else fun! At least, until our minds have cleared and we won't dwell on the negative thoughts. Rumination's not good.

    I think I'd also warn of not starting to look at through a set of psychological schemata and looking for logic in everything we think, say and do. We're not just conforming to a DSM-IV criterion for X ED, we're feeling our own unique pains, hardships, success and joys. I really feel you can't categorise human behaviour because it's beautifully chaotic. I don't know, it's like if you walk down the road and trip on a stone. You could be really cold and logical and say that was a really stupid thing to do-or you could just laugh for being a numpty Everyone's done it and it's weird, you feel alive when you take a risk or make a silly mistake...whereas that need for perfection and absolute control that an ED brings just makes everything dull and lifeless...



    Sorry if I'm teaching Grandma how to suck eggs :P to be honest you sound further along the recovery road than me, Vixen. It's good to be in tune with your feelings! Half-talking to myself to make sure I practice what I preach, I speak my thoughts out loud a lot and I've only really started to accept that feeling's OK now. Really hope I'm helping you here too!
    So yeah, better to let go and let ourselves feel everything than let the fear of losing control make us afraid to be human

    Hope you're feeling okayyy and have some downtime with your family, you might be surprised what comes from it
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    This kind of positive reinforcement is exactly what people need. I high five you, miss!

    The truth is, people with eating disorders and numerous social anxiety disorders are very often of far higher intellects than others. "The time spent thinking, others spend doing" is a great phrase. All that time you spend calculating, fretting, weighing, gauging - others are just living. Happy. Contented. Sometimes the ability to switch off and accept ignorance is bliss would be ideal, but we do not have that luxury.

    The difference though is that the higher tiers of mind have the opportunity to make that decision... and heal themselves. And those can be commended as the smartest of us all. So high fives to you guys!
    High Five accepted and appreciated!

    You're an inspiration Toto reading your story must give people a real lifeline and hope!
    • #72
    #72

    Haven't been on here in a while but I'm slipping back into my ED... what can I do? (TW)
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    I purged three times yesterday, I'd been thinking about it for weeks and I was at a bar and feeling so crap and out of control that I just did it... And I felt so much better! I didn't think I would, I thought doing it once would get it out of my system but it didn't... I tried to start 'eating healthily' as a New Year's resolution because I felt I was over my ED but I'm just restricting again.
    Over Xmas I had a depression 'blip' (only lasted a few weeks) and since then I've just been on a downward spiral... Drinking too much, smoking too much, self- harming and having 'casual' sex with a horrible guy just to feel something rather than nothing.
    I got really drunk last week and told my flatmates how I was feeling but they just don't understand and have their own stuff to deal with.
    Have decided that I need to see my GP in the Easter hols but I don't know how I'm going to hold on for the next month.
    (Also, saw the dentist last week and he confirmed my worries- purging has destroyed my teeth.)
    I'm not better. Going to a counsellor last term made me worse and I just don't know what to do. I almost want to continue on this spiral 'til I'm eligible for in-patient which is beyond a stupid thought. Ugh.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Haven't been on here in a while but I'm slipping back into my ED... what can I do? (TW)
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    I purged three times yesterday, I'd been thinking about it for weeks and I was at a bar and feeling so crap and out of control that I just did it... And I felt so much better! I didn't think I would, I thought doing it once would get it out of my system but it didn't... I tried to start 'eating healthily' as a New Year's resolution because I felt I was over my ED but I'm just restricting again.
    Over Xmas I had a depression 'blip' (only lasted a few weeks) and since then I've just been on a downward spiral... Drinking too much, smoking too much, self- harming and having 'casual' sex with a horrible guy just to feel something rather than nothing.
    I got really drunk last week and told my flatmates how I was feeling but they just don't understand and have their own stuff to deal with.
    Have decided that I need to see my GP in the Easter hols but I don't know how I'm going to hold on for the next month.
    (Also, saw the dentist last week and he confirmed my worries- purging has destroyed my teeth.)
    I'm not better. Going to a counsellor last term made me worse and I just don't know what to do. I almost want to continue on this spiral 'til I'm eligible for in-patient which is beyond a stupid thought. Ugh.
    Take it one step at a time, you mentioned a few things in your 'downward spiral'. They're all linked. I would suggest trying to cut down or stop each one a little bit at a time, you're never going to be able to do it all at once and trying to will just make you feel worse. Before you reach for a cigarette, or a drink, try holding out for 5 minutes. Sounds silly but just try it. Think to yourself, do I really need this? Do something else in that 5 minutes. Make a cup of tea, paint your nails, read an article in a magazine. If you can hold out that 5 minutes, chances are you can go without it altogether.
    As for the guy. I think we both know the answer to that one. He's not helping, if you're feeling like this, he is clearly not the guy for you. Stop making contact with him, yes, it's nice to be wanted, but not when it leads to you feeling so terrible about yourself after. Drop him, you've got other things to focus on at the moment! If, after you feel better, you still want to see him, then fine, go for it, but for the time being, get your head in the right place first, and THEN see what he offers to your life. Chances are, you'll realise you don't want him.
    As for counselling, why wait? You need some guidance it sounds like, and while friends can be great, like you said, everyone has their own stuff going, so why not go see the GP now? Waiting seems silly when you need the help now? If the reason for waiting is just for waitings sake, chances are you'll put off going at Easter too, so maybe seize the moment, go now! If you're feeling like help would be good, don't let that fade away into the depression dip, try and pull yourself out of it.
    If not, maybe speak to a parent? They may be able to help you in the time being. While no one knows the extent of your upset, there won't be help. You'll get the occasional 'hey, are you ok?' But people aren't mind readers, they won't know, and you can think it's obvious, but you're on the inside looking out, so you're a tiny bit biased I'm afraid tell someone, someone who is close to you and cares. As you said, friends have their own stuff to deal with, so may not be the best source of outreach.
    In the meantime, if you don't feel you can ask someone in your life, keep posting in here! It may be virtual, and we can't see you or offer a cheer up smile, we can offer help and guidance. I think that's what Toto set the thread up for, so use it! We're here to help
    As for purging, maybe eat less (sounds silly, but the feeling of lots of food in your stomach can be a unsettling, and make you feel guilty), even if its the old 'little and often' at least you'll be keeping it down! Also, maybe do something after you've eaten? Go for a walk, write a shopping list, watch a tv show? Just something to keep you occupied. And take your mind off 'I've just eaten, the toilet is there...'. Also, you could use your friends to your advantage, or just other people who you are around when you eat. Suggest watching a film with them, or going out, or (childish as it seems) playing a game. Eat while you're with them, and it will make it a lot harder to excuse yourself to purge. You'll be physically stuck with them, meaning you can't go to the toilet. You'll feel guilty if they're all waiting for you, so just won't go. you'll also be busy so you might not think about it so much.

    Anyway, just my suggestions, you can take them or leave them
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Haven't been on here in a while but I'm slipping back into my ED... what can I do? (TW)
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    I purged three times yesterday, I'd been thinking about it for weeks and I was at a bar and feeling so crap and out of control that I just did it... And I felt so much better! I didn't think I would, I thought doing it once would get it out of my system but it didn't... I tried to start 'eating healthily' as a New Year's resolution because I felt I was over my ED but I'm just restricting again.
    Over Xmas I had a depression 'blip' (only lasted a few weeks) and since then I've just been on a downward spiral... Drinking too much, smoking too much, self- harming and having 'casual' sex with a horrible guy just to feel something rather than nothing.
    I got really drunk last week and told my flatmates how I was feeling but they just don't understand and have their own stuff to deal with.
    Have decided that I need to see my GP in the Easter hols but I don't know how I'm going to hold on for the next month.
    (Also, saw the dentist last week and he confirmed my worries- purging has destroyed my teeth.)
    I'm not better. Going to a counsellor last term made me worse and I just don't know what to do. I almost want to continue on this spiral 'til I'm eligible for in-patient which is beyond a stupid thought. Ugh.
    I'm in the same position. Ive been well for nearly two years now but I can feel my head and my thoughts going backwards.

    Its frustrating when you know its in your control, yet it doesnt feel like it at all! I havent acted on it yet, mainly because I know it could ruin plans and put everything I've built up in my life at risk.

    I feel like I'm losing control of it though, do you feel the same?


    Im not doing the anonymous thing, this is who I am so meh. I'm not liking how the advert at the bottom of the page is for dominos though...:rolleyes:
    • #72
    #72

    (Original post by dani_1991)
    ...
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    Everything you've said makes so much sense but I have no idea where I'm going to get the strength to follow your advice. I'm not registered at a GP at uni so will have to wait to make an appointment until I get home. So it's really getting through the next few weeks and keeping myself brave enough to actually make an appointment that's the issue. Can't talk to my parents- they didn't even believe I had an ED when CAMHS was pushing to put me in in-patient.

    I feel like smoking and drinking are acceptable vices... I'm a student and I used to do a load of drugs so I feel like they're a lesser evil. At least if I'm drinking I'm getting more calories down me. (Stupid attitude, both are harming me- just being an idiot.)

    The guy issue is just my stupid low self-esteem getting to me (also, the need to 'have a story' and look worldly and cool to my group of friends, who probably don't even care how I act)... I like people paying attention to me but I'm only attracted to horrible people (probably because I'm a horrible person).

    I don't binge, I eat as little as possible- I just 'like' purging. I never eat alone, only when other people are around and eating but I've been doing this for too long- I can purge silently and quickly. (Which has given me wonderful acid reflux, as an added bonus). And nobody ever notices. I do try and keep busy, keep my mind off it but it's like all my thoughts are about hurting myself now... Ugh, I thought that recovery meant I wouldn't have to feel like this again.


    Thanks for the advice, I know I sound horribly self-involved!

    (Original post by allthetime)
    I'm in the same position. Ive been well for nearly two years now but I can feel my head and my thoughts going backwards.

    Its frustrating when you know its in your control, yet it doesnt feel like it at all! I havent acted on it yet, mainly because I know it could ruin plans and put everything I've built up in my life at risk.

    I feel like I'm losing control of it though, do you feel the same?


    Im not doing the anonymous thing, this is who I am so meh. I'm not liking how the advert at the bottom of the page is for dominos though...:rolleyes:
    Don't act on it! Just don't... I thought I could just slip for a moment and then re-gain my self control but it just doesn't work like that!
    It's stupid, I recovered because I wanted so much out of life and now I've got all of the things I wanted they're just all hollow.
    I don't even feel comfortable posting here, because everyone's all so great in their recovery and I'm just circling the drain of life, yet again.
    (For some reason my ad is for Laura Ashley... How is that relevant advertising?)
    • #166
    #166

    Does anyone else's tailbone hurt just from sitting?
    I'm trying to eat more, but I guess it's not working...
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    I just made the god-awful mistake of having a nasty rant at Mum for buying Rocky Bars like I turned her back into the food police. (I love Rockys really! I'm just scared of having any junk in the house in case I binge, like I did > >)
    It's annoying because I had a great time out with mates after getting worked up over nothing and it being a day before Mother's Day. Not great timing to have a go at Mum over bloody chocolate.
    We've made up now but that was a massive red light.




    In brighter news I've passed first semester of second year


    To all those suffering, it's OK to share how you feel and say you're feeling low. The only thing you need to remember next is to act once you've let it out-no good just sinking into the negative spiral, what are you going to do to change it? Remember that we all learn from each other's mistakes and difficulties and anyone who's willing to try is welcome No sane person would expect another to live a life of pure sunshine and rainbows!
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I just made the god-awful mistake of having a nasty rant at Mum for buying Rocky Bars like I turned her back into the food police. (I love Rockys really! I'm just scared of having any junk in the house in case I binge, like I did > >)
    It's annoying because I had a great time out with mates after getting worked up over nothing and it being a day before Mother's Day. Not great timing to have a go at Mum over bloody chocolate.
    We've made up now but that was a massive red light.




    In brighter news I've passed first semester of second year


    To all those suffering, it's OK to share how you feel and say you're feeling low. The only thing you need to remember next is to act once you've let it out-no good just sinking into the negative spiral, what are you going to do to change it? Remember that we all learn from each other's mistakes and difficulties and anyone who's willing to try is welcome No sane person would expect another to live a life of pure sunshine and rainbows!
    :hugs:
    I do that all the time.. I must be such a ***** to live with. I insist on going shopping every week even though I actually can't breathe properly around all that food and get panicky and then I moan every time something gets put in the trolley. I've had a full on meltdown before. I just don't like that stuff even being in the house because then I know it's there and it makes me anxious and I think about it constantly which makes me feel like a pig :/ but I know it's not my families fault so im trying to control it!


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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I do that all the time.. I must be such a ***** to live with. I insist on going shopping every week even though I actually can't breathe properly around all that food and get panicky and then I moan every time something gets put in the trolley. I've had a full on meltdown before. I just don't like that stuff even being in the house because then I know it's there and it makes me anxious and I think about it constantly which makes me feel like a pig :/ but I know it's not my families fault so im trying to control it!


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    It's not your fault either. I mean it is our responsibility since it's our choice deep down (albeit one we can't really understand or even notice at the worst of things because our heads are so skewed) but just blaming and berating ourselves for it only hurts ourselves and others more it seems.
    I'm sure your family understand that it'll take time. You are not a pig for thinking about something, we always want what we won't let ourselves have!
    It's OK to say what you want and do what your heart says
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's not your fault either. I mean it is our responsibility since it's our choice deep down (albeit one we can't really understand or even notice at the worst of things because our heads are so skewed) but just blaming and berating ourselves for it only hurts ourselves and others more it seems.
    I'm sure your family understand that it'll take time. You are not a pig for thinking about something, we always want what we won't let ourselves have!
    It's OK to say what you want and do what your heart says
    :hugs:
    Thanks riku. I'm trying so hard to fix this at the minute but I'm more miserable when I'm not restricting but I'm trying to be ok because I'm losing my friends and I want them back, so if I have to pretend I'm fine I will


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    I think the thing to remember is that YOU are not miserable - the ED is miserable. Think of it as being like this - your ED is a greedy little beast. Whatever it convinces you you DON'T need, it is eating. It convinces you to avoid that tasty sandwich your body needs, to say no to a biscuit with your cuppa, because it then gets to feed itself with the notions of the things you've avoided.

    I never gauge my ED as a separate entity - it is, after all, just a broken bit of my mind caused by offset disorders in other parts of my life. But EDs SEEM like they give structure and control to an otherwise anarchic world, but in reality all it does is gives you that illusion.

    Think of it like being a goldfish in a well-decorated bowl, which is then plunged into the ocean. You can leave it whenever you want, but you don't. You get to SEE the rest of the world from the bowl, from the confines of the bubble, so you convince yourself that's all you want, and all you need. You've decorated the bowl so that nothing gets in or out that you yourself don't scrutinise. But what about that ocean?! Nah, can't be as structured, as rigid, as personally idyllic as the bowl, right? No, it's not. It's mental. It's scary. It's got things that eat you and want to hurt you in ways you couldn't imagine. But on the other hand, it's got exciting, new experiences, every day is an unexplored adventure - and it also has other fish oblivious to what a goldfish bowl even is, utterly contented and excited that this day might be the BEST day.

    I was once told a piece of information that scared and excited me. "Everything you think means something in your life means nothing to someone else. If you died tonight, in your sleep, and got to watch how the world reacted to your passing, how would they react? I bet it would be a pin dropping in a rock concert. So why do you care for the things you care for? When they only mean what they mean to you? Because they make every day, this last day of your life, a reason to smile. Nobody knows why you are smiling, and they might never understand. So let your smile resonate for as long as your heart beats, because that means something to you, and now... everybody knows it."
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I think the thing to remember is that YOU are not miserable - the ED is miserable. Think of it as being like this - your ED is a greedy little beast. Whatever it convinces you you DON'T need, it is eating. It convinces you to avoid that tasty sandwich your body needs, to say no to a biscuit with your cuppa, because it then gets to feed itself with the notions of the things you've avoided.

    I never gauge my ED as a separate entity - it is, after all, just a broken bit of my mind caused by offset disorders in other parts of my life. But EDs SEEM like they give structure and control to an otherwise anarchic world, but in reality all it does is gives you that illusion.

    Think of it like being a goldfish in a well-decorated bowl, which is then plunged into the ocean. You can leave it whenever you want, but you don't. You get to SEE the rest of the world from the bowl, from the confines of the bubble, so you convince yourself that's all you want, and all you need. You've decorated the bowl so that nothing gets in or out that you yourself don't scrutinise. But what about that ocean?! Nah, can't be as structured, as rigid, as personally idyllic as the bowl, right? No, it's not. It's mental. It's scary. It's got things that eat you and want to hurt you in ways you couldn't imagine. But on the other hand, it's got exciting, new experiences, every day is an unexplored adventure - and it also has other fish oblivious to what a goldfish bowl even is, utterly contented and excited that this day might be the BEST day.

    I was once told a piece of information that scared and excited me. "Everything you think means something in your life means nothing to someone else. If you died tonight, in your sleep, and got to watch how the world reacted to your passing, how would they react? I bet it would be a pin dropping in a rock concert. So why do you care for the things you care for? When they only mean what they mean to you? Because they make every day, this last day of your life, a reason to smile. Nobody knows why you are smiling, and they might never understand. So let your smile resonate for as long as your heart beats, because that means something to you, and now... everybody knows it."
    This literally made me cry. Its so apt and in a way beautiful. I feel like I'm trying so hard at the minute and hitting a brick wall, but that gave me some hope Thank you!!
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    A giant leap for mankind... Okay, slight exaggerating going on there but for the first time in 18 months I'm willingly making myself consume 1400 calories! Just when I thought I was going to relapse and started preparing myself to consume 700-900 calories, something came over me (probably the fear of being diagnosed with depression in my appointment with my GP tomorrow) and is making me whip myself into shape. I've been binge eating for the last four months (until recently I thought that was me recovering from my anorexia ) and gained a little weight and while the desire to relapse is still there, I'm forcing the extra meals in me because there's no other way. I don't get how my mind sees it as something so black and white -- I'm only comfortable/"happy" if I binge or starve, I can't seem to find comfort in the grey area where I do neither.
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    Vix, I call that a huge boon. Well done!

    A great thing to remember is that you should always "bank" 500-520 calories per day. Without this, if nothing else, your brain doesn't get enough fuel to... think. That's the brain ALONE. Then your body's subconscious organ regulation, depending on your size (and I mean, spanning between toddler and Hulk Hogan, here) is at LEAST 800 calories. And this is before you even take into account things you might have to actually... do. Like blink. Walk. Talk. Move. ANYTHING. Consider that if you were a small person in a coma, you would still need to take in 1300-1400 calories to break even. So that should put into perspective how bad you MUST have been, if this is progress!!

    I am proud of your achievement, but remember you're still way underestimating what your body needs, and just keep at it!! Much love and Toto Hugs (they get bigger and stronger by the day, the more I recover, and everyone loves big hugs as opposed to sharp, jaggy xylophone-bodied hugs!!)
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    (Original post by Vixen47)
    x.
    You are completely not alone in the black and white mentality. It's something most of us struggle with. Having a balanced, normal intake every day just seems crazy and impossible, but it is definitely the way forward and the irrational thoughts about it will go away the more you do it

    Well done x
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    I've now finally reached the agreed minimum weight of 11 stone that the doctors have said is appropriate for my age, sex, height and build I feel a lot happier now that I did whilst I was starving, and despite a bad start I managed to enjoy myself on Monday on my 18th birthday for the first time in an age . Battling my eating disorder has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and although psychologically I'm still dependent on Olanzapine (albeit now on 2.5mg as opposed to 5mg) and Fluoxetine (increased to 30mg from 20mg) I feel a lot happier and better off than when I was starving myself .

    The doctor still wants me to put a bit more weight on to well and truly into the safe range, and despite my high anxiety about it I know now to trust the professionals. I wish I had trusted the dietian earlier and not just ignored their plans, otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't have had the issues with hunger, binges and guilt that I had. They're telling me to eat 3500 - 4000 calories for a good reason, to prevent binges and hunger, and if I have one bit of advice for everyone it is to stick to what the stay, regardless of how scary it seems.

    I would like to thank everyone on here for their support and advice . Although I know I still haven't beaten my eating disorder I feel a lot mentally stronger than I did when I first posted on here . Life seems a hell of a lot better when not starved.
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    Can anyone help me with snack ideas? I'm working on formulating a meal plan to take to my dietian at my next appointment for me to start on when I come back to uni after Easter, and I'm struggling to come up with ideas! Ideally I'm looking at 2-3 snacks a day, probably starting off about 100cals a snack but definitely wanting to increase that when I can. Also if anyone has copies of meal plans they've been given that would be really helpful, or just suggestions in general really!
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Can anyone help me with snack ideas? I'm working on formulating a meal plan to take to my dietian at my next appointment for me to start on when I come back to uni after Easter, and I'm struggling to come up with ideas! Ideally I'm looking at 2-3 snacks a day, probably starting off about 100cals a snack but definitely wanting to increase that when I can. Also if anyone has copies of meal plans they've been given that would be really helpful, or just suggestions in general really!
    This is the meal plan that all professionals have recommended to me, and is what both hospitals I stayed at worked on: http://www.kcl.ac.uk/iop/depts/pm/re...ULAREATING.pdf

    Stay positive x
 
 
 
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