Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    :hugs:
    Do you ever feel like you're a terrible selfish person or your family don't love you because of it? I hope you don't. I do
    Spoiler:
    Show

    It's getting worse because I nearly have a six-pack which I like but I feel really dirty from it, like it's a sign of my sheer weakness and vanity

    x

    My ex-fiance noticed how much I was cutting out rubbish and exercising. At one point I was about 7.5 stone, and maybe 7% body fat, and I could see my abdominal muscles. I think it was when she said to me "look at how grotesque your stomach looks now" that I actually looked at myself and thought, am I doing this just to keep doing this, or am I trying to look good?! I already have a lady I want to be with, and I should be wanting to please HER. But I kept doing it. It was autonomous, mechanical, I'd lost all sense of priority and meaning in it.

    I started restricting more and more, and perhaps neglected her preferences too much, to the point where I personally just exercised because it's what my day should be, not because I wanted to look different, or get stronger, or become someone else. It was just the ED using me, distracting me from the important things.

    Nowadays, at 8 and a half stones, I look like I weigh a lot more than that. Sadly because my bones are breadsticks my skeleton is incredibly light, and at 12.5-13% body fat, I appear chubbier than my friend at 19% body fat. My body has been broken. I am in my late twenties and my attitude to mechanical exercise, anorexic restriction and obsessive compulsive fixation on every idosyncrasy in life has meant I now, during recovery, absorb fat at an extraordinary rate but am completely unable to exercise it off without fracturing a bone.

    I know you're a bit younger than me but remember it only took me less than two years to go from healthy to death-bed.

    Tread carefully my friend. x
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    My ex-fiance noticed how much I was cutting out rubbish and exercising. At one point I was about 7.5 stone, and maybe 7% body fat, and I could see my abdominal muscles. I think it was when she said to me "look at how grotesque your stomach looks now" that I actually looked at myself and thought, am I doing this just to keep doing this, or am I trying to look good?! I already have a lady I want to be with, and I should be wanting to please HER. But I kept doing it. It was autonomous, mechanical, I'd lost all sense of priority and meaning in it.

    I started restricting more and more, and perhaps neglected her preferences too much, to the point where I personally just exercised because it's what my day should be, not because I wanted to look different, or get stronger, or become someone else. It was just the ED using me, distracting me from the important things.

    Nowadays, at 8 and a half stones, I look like I weigh a lot more than that. Sadly because my bones are breadsticks my skeleton is incredibly light, and at 12.5-13% body fat, I appear chubbier than my friend at 19% body fat. My body has been broken. I am in my late twenties and my attitude to mechanical exercise, anorexic restriction and obsessive compulsive fixation on every idosyncrasy in life has meant I now, during recovery, absorb fat at an extraordinary rate but am completely unable to exercise it off without fracturing a bone.

    I know you're a bit younger than me but remember it only took me less than two years to go from healthy to death-bed.

    Tread carefully my friend. x
    Thanks Toto. I realise that, I really do. I don't want to go there and I've been lucky enough to never be quite there, only on the verge.
    I just hate feeling like I have to eat certain things or a certain way just to please others. I dislike the idea of eating junk food purely for the sake of it because everyone does it. When I'm peckish yeah, but I think I have to have it just because to not do it would be doing something awful and selfish.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    It is quite literally I'll hit a point where I'll feel guilty for being fit and healthy and I'll start stuffing as much junk down me as humanly possible. And if I don't start stuffing myself, I feel like it's a sign I don't really love or care for my family.

    Being into the fitness lifestyle and recovering is a tightrope. But thanks for the concern.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    My ex-fiance noticed how much I was cutting out rubbish and exercising. At one point I was about 7.5 stone, and maybe 7% body fat, and I could see my abdominal muscles. I think it was when she said to me "look at how grotesque your stomach looks now" that I actually looked at myself and thought, am I doing this just to keep doing this, or am I trying to look good?! I already have a lady I want to be with, and I should be wanting to please HER. But I kept doing it. It was autonomous, mechanical, I'd lost all sense of priority and meaning in it.

    I started restricting more and more, and perhaps neglected her preferences too much, to the point where I personally just exercised because it's what my day should be, not because I wanted to look different, or get stronger, or become someone else. It was just the ED using me, distracting me from the important things.

    Nowadays, at 8 and a half stones, I look like I weigh a lot more than that. Sadly because my bones are breadsticks my skeleton is incredibly light, and at 12.5-13% body fat, I appear chubbier than my friend at 19% body fat. My body has been broken. I am in my late twenties and my attitude to mechanical exercise, anorexic restriction and obsessive compulsive fixation on every idosyncrasy in life has meant I now, during recovery, absorb fat at an extraordinary rate but am completely unable to exercise it off without fracturing a bone.

    I know you're a bit younger than me but remember it only took me less than two years to go from healthy to death-bed.

    Tread carefully my friend. x
    What is it about your ED that means you look heavier than you are? Are you sure this isn't just your dysmorphia?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    What is it about your ED that means you look heavier than you are? Are you sure this isn't just your dysmorphia?
    I understand a lot of it is body dysmorphia (though the nature of the illness dictates I will never understand where this ends), but during heavy restriction my bones degraded to an incredibly low density (0-grade osteoporosis).

    When your body starts to die it starts using up all of the secondary resources; fat, muscle, and even bone marrow. But bones are required to keep you up, actually standing, so if you imagine a normal bone to be a Cadbury Wispa, it tries to keep the structure on together, but use up part of the bone itself - so it becomes a Nestle Aero. Same exterior structure, but all of the inside has lessened in density and become way, way more hollow.

    This is why I have a considerably lighter skeleton (as well as having gotten almost a full inch shorter in height).
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I understand a lot of it is body dysmorphia (though the nature of the illness dictates I will never understand where this ends), but during heavy restriction my bones degraded to an incredibly low density (0-grade osteoporosis).

    When your body starts to die it starts using up all of the secondary resources; fat, muscle, and even bone marrow. But bones are required to keep you up, actually standing, so if you imagine a normal bone to be a Cadbury Wispa, it tries to keep the structure on together, but use up part of the bone itself - so it becomes a Nestle Aero. Same exterior structure, but all of the inside has lessened in density and become way, way more hollow.

    This is why I have a considerably lighter skeleton (as well as having gotten almost a full inch shorter in height).
    I love the way you used Wispa and Aero to demonstrate this. And I love you. Keep on keeping on. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Feeling the pull backwards guys... Its like whenever I'm on track (with life in general, not just ED related) and I get even a little bit down its just waiting there for me.

    Like a stupid ex boyfriend who knows you'll never be over him and you'll always go back when you feel weak.

    Ive just had my 23rd birthday and am having the post-birthday panic.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    A birthday should be a celebration of a brand new year. A liberation of shackles of an old life. Literally the start of a new epoch.

    It is by no means the time to be reflecting on the horrid mistakes of your past.

    Imagine if we spent Christmas Day dwelling on that one year that Grandpa died, when we spent Christmas without him for the first time. A dreadful, awful time that made the holiday a thing of rue and lament. Imagine facing any further Christmas ever again if this was what your Christmas was about.

    Now view your birthday in the same light. Cake! Beer! Fun! Health! Happiness! Your entire life is ahead of you - unless you don't want it to be. Your happiness is in front of you! So don't turn your back on it. x
    • #48
    #48

    http://ht.ly/kkpqT Eating disorders and university study in the UK survey by BEat, some of you might interested in taking it?
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    It's like one step forward, ten steps back. I just want to go forward and stay that way.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    It's like one step forward, ten steps back. I just want to go forward and stay that way.
    Nobody can help you if you post so cryptically rubic honey! It's like those Facebook "FML" posts. Tell us more and we can aid you! X
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    urgh, I wish I didnt always assume the worst case scenario/ seem to attract people who are more crazy or as mad as I am.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Why the neg? I want to help, but nobody's giving me any information nor context.
    Listen, I know nobody likes giving up their personal lives to a stranger, but sometimes it's the easier option. Someone with zero prejudice.

    But when you completely negate their advice with sheer negativity, it can't help you! Help me, to help you!
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Why the neg? I want to help, but nobody's giving me any information nor context.
    Listen, I know nobody likes giving up their personal lives to a stranger, but sometimes it's the easier option. Someone with zero prejudice.

    But when you completely negate their advice with sheer negativity, it can't help you! Help me, to help you!
    can i inbox you chick?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    can i inbox you chick?
    I'm male but that is irrelevant!
    Message me at any time. I never ignore a message though I get many, so I will get back to you as soon as I can! X
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Nobody can help you if you post so cryptically rubic honey! It's like those Facebook "FML" posts. Tell us more and we can aid you! X

    Yeah I probably should have done that. So here goes ...

    Spoiler:
    Show

    The way it is with me is that if I get a good workout done in the morning, or I stick to the workout schedule (I'm doing Insanity just now) then I can stay on a semi-good path (maybe not eating the cleanest or all my exercise calories back, but I am eating and not binging). That's my one step forward.

    However, the minute something derails me and I cannot exercise that day then the binging/not eating starts and it takes me days, if not a few weeks, to even try and get back into exercise again. The ten steps back.

    It's the smallest of things that can derail me as well - not getting to exercise that day/not getting all the exercise I planned done/a negative comment/a time of year etc. However, the most crazy might be that finding an amazing guy has also derailed me because of fear. He's a fitness instructor and very fit and athletic. He knows about my past, why I am the way I am and what I do, and he accepts it and wants to help me. Despite us only being together a short time I feel really deeply for him, I love him, and I'm so scared of being hurt again that I am almost convinced I will be - so I've skipped straight to the negative mind frame. It's ridiculous, as he is nothing like my exes and won't hurt me. I'm just stuck in a vicious mindset that a past belief cycle has created and I cannot break from it. I'm just scared of being hurt again.

    It seems like I cannot do anything in 'proper' moderations - eat or exercise. When I do get back onto the exercise regime, I MUST do the set exercises every day, and if I don't then I go mental on Mondays/Fridays (when my son is at nursery) and burn 1000 calories plus in order to 'make up for it'. Everything relating to that side mist be controlled.

    I have no one to talk to about this, my parents are a "brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened" couple, and wouldn't 'approve' of me getting help. I'm also a closed individual, and the thought of opening up to anyone terrifies me almost as much as what is happening to me.

    Truth is I'm scared, very scared, and I don't know what to do.

    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Why the neg? I want to help, but nobody's giving me any information nor context.
    Listen, I know nobody likes giving up their personal lives to a stranger, but sometimes it's the easier option. Someone with zero prejudice.

    But when you completely negate their advice with sheer negativity, it can't help you! Help me, to help you!
    Just fyi, I never negged your advice on my comment
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    Yeah I probably should have done that. So here goes ...

    Spoiler:
    Show

    The way it is with me is that if I get a good workout done in the morning, or I stick to the workout schedule (I'm doing Insanity just now) then I can stay on a semi-good path (maybe not eating the cleanest or all my exercise calories back, but I am eating and not binging). That's my one step forward.

    However, the minute something derails me and I cannot exercise that day then the binging/not eating starts and it takes me days, if not a few weeks, to even try and get back into exercise again. The ten steps back.

    It's the smallest of things that can derail me as well - not getting to exercise that day/not getting all the exercise I planned done/a negative comment/a time of year etc. However, the most crazy might be that finding an amazing guy has also derailed me because of fear. He's a fitness instructor and very fit and athletic. He knows about my past, why I am the way I am and what I do, and he accepts it and wants to help me. Despite us only being together a short time I feel really deeply for him, I love him, and I'm so scared of being hurt again that I am almost convinced I will be - so I've skipped straight to the negative mind frame. It's ridiculous, as he is nothing like my exes and won't hurt me. I'm just stuck in a vicious mindset that a past belief cycle has created and I cannot break from it. I'm just scared of being hurt again.

    It seems like I cannot do anything in 'proper' moderations - eat or exercise. When I do get back onto the exercise regime, I MUST do the set exercises every day, and if I don't then I go mental on Mondays/Fridays (when my son is at nursery) and burn 1000 calories plus in order to 'make up for it'. Everything relating to that side mist be controlled.

    I have no one to talk to about this, my parents are a "brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened" couple, and wouldn't 'approve' of me getting help. I'm also a closed individual, and the thought of opening up to anyone terrifies me almost as much as what is happening to me.

    Truth is I'm scared, very scared, and I don't know what to do.

    Okay, sweetheart, first up, I want you to know what you're experiencing is normal given the circumstances. An eating disorder or social compulsive disorder is merely a shield from the rest of the world. It's a bubble that we use to use as a barrier from reality. Moreover, the days we manage to break out of the bubble, it's "normal" to go from 0 to 100 and then back again; it's weird that the heaviest restricters are often the ones who can go the craziest when let loose.

    Truth is, during recovery about three in four people go through the "all or nothing" phase, where if the routine is broken, they almost revolt and go absolutely bonkers. So instead of eating a bit of chocolate, they'll think "well, today's a writeoff anyway" and eat ten chocolate bars. It's one of those rubber band effects where you've stretched so far one way that when you let go, you fire in the opposite reaction with the strength of your pull.

    And to this end, your ED and compulsive nature would have strengthened the "bubble" to make you feel more reliant on it to shield you from potentially damaging relationships. But in reality it's a distance mechanism that's alienating you from everyone else. I've been through that phase; to an extent I'm still IN it. It's a phase of "mourning" where you look nostalgically at a previous life you had and pine for all that's been and gone from the confines of the bubble. You look at it with envy of your previous self and mannerisms like you're gone, like you've died already or something; weird when you jump out of your own skin and realise, hell, I'm still here, what am I doing?!

    I'm not going to pretend like I have the answers for you, but I can at least offer the consolation that what you're going through is simply another step towards recovery. Sometimes it seems you're getting nowhere, but you are making strides, Rubix. Every day you question the behaviours and get frustrated, remember, this is you defying the ED, the OCD, the SAD, and asking yourself if you're healing or not. The truth is you ARE, and you'll get where you need to go eventually, but like me, when you can't do something or get something done NOW, you get upset, frustrated, agitated.

    Remember we're here for you m'dear. X
    • #48
    #48

    I just need to put this somewhere... please don't read it :/

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Cake for breakfast seems like a ****ing wonderful idea until you realise that you've got a muffin top, flabby arms and horrible tree trunk legs... why the **** do I do this to myself... now the whole day is ruined :sad: What am I doing with my life. :sad:
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just need to put this somewhere... please don't read it :/

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Cake for breakfast seems like a ****ing wonderful idea until you realise that you've got a muffin top, flabby arms and horrible tree trunk legs... why the **** do I do this to myself... now the whole day is ruined :sad: What am I doing with my life. :sad:
    Take a deep breath and think about it for a second. Cake is not evil. Hell, there are entire countries built around the concept of cake for breakfast. France has Pain au Chocolat, Belgium has breakfast waffles, America has muffins. They're all cakes and pastries, so the concept of breakfast cake is hardly devilish!
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Just to clarify this point, I don't suffer from an eating disorder, my BMI is well within the healthy range. I'm 19 5'6 and 8.7 stone. After everyone on here was telling me I wasn't eating enough yesterday, I decided to have a big dinner which consisted off smoked salmon fillet, a roasted pepper and an antipasti selection from asda (included olives, sundried tomatoes and some little spanish crisps).

    I now cannot walk, I have crippling stomach pains and I haven't left my room today due to revising throughout the day so I'm feeling mega guilty about not exercising, plus extremely worried about gaining weight after all that food. Once the stomach pains have passed I must do some sit ups or something. I don't want to get fat again
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.