Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

I feel completely disgusting when I eat and I break my planned calorie limit :'( I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be happy in some ways. My family left me. I couldn't stop my little sister from hurting. I feel like I should be able to fix everything. Im a perfectionist with school and stuff as well after I failed my first year. I feel like I need to be more than normal.
A normal amount of food doesn't feel normal to me. I see my family eating and I feel like its a horrendous amount. I spend hours planning what I'm going to eat in the day and then it's ruined by them saying that's not enough. So I eat that I want to please them, I want them to think im ok because I don't want them to hurt. But then I need to get rid or I SH or something because I cant stand myself. And it's so frustrating because I know I can do it, I did it before.
And more than anything, when I throw up I actually feel something that's almost like happiness... Achievement. If I can just be better, control this then my life will sort itself out. I want to please people. I want to be thin.
My BMI is healthy but all i see is fat so it must be wrong because it's everywhere. It makes me panic I don't even want to leave the house. I see my reflection and my shadow and I want to hide. Everytime someone laughs they must be laughing at me .. And when people say you look so skinny and how do you do it and you've lost so much weight I want to cry because they must be mocking me. I know I've gained weight.
I went to the doctors and nothing changed at all, I'm still waiting on the CMHT. I feel like ive given up because I'm so tired I mean I didnt tell my doctor much about the eating side of things and I didn't mention binge purging but I couldn't. Talking about SH knackered me emotionally and then when my friends weren't there at the next appointment I choked and couldn't speak im such a failure :'(
I'm sorry I'm a complete mess right now, you don't need this


Posted from TSR Mobile

I think what you've identified is that your family are a herd, a team, a clan, and that you are isolated, eager to be their "hero", the one to show your prowess. Why do you think this is? Were you previously bullied/an underdog? Or do you simply want your family name to flourish? It's a complex issue but it's one that can be underpinned. X

You know what? I'm glad you told me this. It's a step forward; nay, a stride forward.

You said purging gives you a rush. Well yeah, it WOULD do; the chemical reaction to vomiting is that your brain tries to compensate for a traumatic event by giving you an endorphin rush of pleasure to tell you "what you're doing is right, we're getting rid of something evil from your stomach." But in reality, vomiting is for when you're contaminated and food is no such contiminant. It's your life-fuel.

By artificially tricking your body to eject the food it's literally like masturbation for the stomach; but nothing more. The elation is fleeting and totally fruitless.

What you're experiencing at home is something called "Hero syndrome". It's when everyone around you is happily average, perhaps struggling at numerous things. When you see it, all of your personal reminders, cues, thoughts of a "saviour" come forth. For some people experiencing this, it's simply mental, but for others, they consider Adonis, Hercules; figures of physical strength and foreboding. Basically you subconsciously associate helping others/achievement/help with the image of a hero, and you cannot detach from that notion.

I think what you've identified is that your family are a herd, a team, a clan, and that you are isolated, eager to be their "hero", the one to show your prowess. Why do you think this is? Were you previously bullied/an underdog? Or do you simply want your family name to flourish? It's a complex issue but it's one that can be underpinned. X

This wasn't aimed at me, but i think it completely explains why i'm struggling so much with the fact that a friend is relapsing, that another friend has broken up with his girlfriend and everything else. i'm desperately trying to fix everything/ make everyone else happy/ not worry about me, because i know what its like to be so desperately unhappy.

Struggling so much :'( I honestly don't think I can do this. I want to but it's so hard and I just feel like im falling. People say eating will make you better but it seems like it makes me worse. I just don't know what to do. I need a wy out :'(


Posted from TSR Mobile

You can do this my love, i know eating makes you feel fat horrible and useless, but you CAN do this.

I don't even want to leave the house :'( thank you for being so supportive. Just don't feel like I deserve it right now.


Posted from TSR Mobile

It's not about deserving or not deserving, it's about finding why you are mentally disordered and trying to help it. This thread is not a pat on the back, "there there!" kind of thread. I spend a huge amount of my time in analysis of these issues.

Okay, I've put out a few exercises and whatnot to the sufferers here with mixed success; a fortnight ago I suggested the "Mimic Technique" which asks you to shadow someone and mimic their eating habits, forcing the control away from you. But this also asks that you identify your eating disorder as a control switch. Some people do not instantly make this connection, and in your instance, it's more like an entity, a presence.

Some people talk about Eating Disorders and mental compulsions as another person, being, or presence. "It tells me to do X". "It", "He", whatever - your Eating Disorder is not another person or spirit, but this is a coping mechanism to absolve you of the choices it makes. For example, "My Eating Disorder won't let me eat a cookie when the whole class does". This makes your Eating Disorder a voice of authority; a parental figure. It assumes you require parental discipline or crave that kind of presence, to regulate your behaviours. Sometimes you'll hear ED sufferers saying the ED says, "Go on, you've messed today up anyway, just eat the entire cake". This means you've given the ED the position of peer, who pressurises you to prove yourself in your own particular age and behaviour bracket. It probably reveals a dearth of friends your own age, that you find it difficult to make new friends.

There is ALWAYS a reason. So today, I want everyone to consider what their ED says to them, if it is this form of ED. If it acts like an authoritative figure like a parent - I want you to step into the shoes of ED. This is going to get a bit complicated so please listen carefully.

In this exercise, I want you to make a mental log of each time you face an ED obstacle today. Whatever your ED says to you, imagine you are telling to a mirror version. So if, for example, your ED talks to you like a son or daughter, imagine you have a son or daughter and tell it the exact same thing.

So, for example, if the ED says "Hey, stop that. You can only eat a green salad!" When you're at McDonalds and everyone else is getting a burger, imagine how you feel. Now try telling your own "daughter" - "No, you CAN'T have a hamburger/happy meal. You can have lettuce."

Think of how it reflects, how it resonates.

"I'm so desperate for chocolate, but I can only eat one square."

"Mummy, can I have chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in so, so long."
"You can have one bite, but throw the rest away, and run on a treadmill for an hour, then."

You see how the ED is projected in your mind, and the LEVEL of the disorder you have, in this exercise. How out of order it REALLY is. If your ED is a restrictive parent, if your ED is a punishing Stepmother, if your ED is your Party Animal Best Bud - you will see your ED for what it really is, and the levels it's pushing you.

Perhaps in this exercise you can realise how far you've gone, and how much is there to improve. Because if you imagine if you imposed the ED's bidding on someone in similar shoes, you soon understand how cruel and unreasonable it is.

This is a really good idea. Though, I've never really considered my ED having a voice so I don't know how to approach it? The decisions I make regarding food etc are my own, that I'm aware of - but I do make them on an ED basis, for example, I'll eat a stir fry at lunch because it's what I do most days so I can do it without thinking about it. I feel like if I was able to pinpoint where this voice was and what it was saying to me to make me act like this, I could take the next step in recovery. If this makes sense?

I get what you're saying, Sweetpea!

The problem is it's entirely cause and effect. ED is not an action; it is a subconscious REaction. Something occurs, it's your mental trigger, and you react without consideration. Sometimes pinpointing the triggers is the longest phase.

You might think it's totally mechanical, a robotic thing. Make lunch - Stir Fry. If there's no stir fry ingredients, but a bunch of other foods, do you get anxious? Feel you need to go buy Stir Fry ingredients? Or do you just make something else?

If you answered yes, you need to go buy StirFry stuff, with zero ability to compensate, then it's a comfort issue. Security. Your ED takes on the role of GUARDIAN in your mind; it knows you will be okay so long as you only eat your "safe" dishes. You're not fearful of food as such, just the unknown.

In this respect, challenge what's BAD about the things, the elements, the situations of ignorance. Of unknowing. What's the single worst thing that could happen by having a sandwich instead of a stir fry, for example. Quantify. Calculate if you need to, it's all part of the cognitive reasoning. Compare. Whatever you need to do. But make the link. INDENTIFY.

If the answer is no, you'd be fine just cooking something else, it's just that you're so used to making a stir fry, then the ED is either so well ingrained that it "stealth suggests" - ie, "I love healthy boiled fish, I will choose the healthy boiled fish instead of the Beer Battered Fish. Healthy boiled fish is my favourite" (you begin to believe something is your ultimate favourite through the ED's mental conditioning throughout the years when it might actually be a "liked" or "tolerated" option, because it's the inherently healthier choice).

Which of the two is more like you?

I get what you're saying, Sweetpea!

The problem is it's entirely cause and effect. ED is not an action; it is a subconscious REaction. Something occurs, it's your mental trigger, and you react without consideration. Sometimes pinpointing the triggers is the longest phase.

You might think it's totally mechanical, a robotic thing. Make lunch - Stir Fry. If there's no stir fry ingredients, but a bunch of other foods, do you get anxious? Feel you need to go buy Stir Fry ingredients? Or do you just make something else?

If you answered yes, you need to go buy StirFry stuff, with zero ability to compensate, then it's a comfort issue. Security. Your ED takes on the role of GUARDIAN in your mind; it knows you will be okay so long as you only eat your "safe" dishes. You're not fearful of food as such, just the unknown.

In this respect, challenge what's BAD about the things, the elements, the situations of ignorance. Of unknowing. What's the single worst thing that could happen by having a sandwich instead of a stir fry, for example. Quantify. Calculate if you need to, it's all part of the cognitive reasoning. Compare. Whatever you need to do. But make the link. INDENTIFY.

If the answer is no, you'd be fine just cooking something else, it's just that you're so used to making a stir fry, then the ED is either so well ingrained that it "stealth suggests" - ie, "I love healthy boiled fish, I will choose the healthy boiled fish instead of the Beer Battered Fish. Healthy boiled fish is my favourite" (you begin to believe something is your ultimate favourite through the ED's mental conditioning throughout the years when it might actually be a "liked" or "tolerated" option, because it's the inherently healthier choice).

Which of the two is more like you?

Hey I've lurked around on this thread for a while now. You guys may not know, but it has played a big part in my current efforts to recover, and when having a bad day I would always browse here for reassurance.

However, I've come to a point where I really need to get all of this off of my chest.

In a similar vein to this; I find that I just genuinely have no idea what foods I like or don't like anymore. I've got progressively more fussy with food since I was a child, and now there are quite a lot of common foods I just won't touch. But has anyone else had the problem where you don't know if you actually don't like something or if you've just conditioned yourself to 'not like it' because you perceive it as unhealthy?

It's not about deserving or not deserving, it's about finding why you are mentally disordered and trying to help it. This thread is not a pat on the back, "there there!" kind of thread. I spend a huge amount of my time in analysis of these issues.

Okay, I've put out a few exercises and whatnot to the sufferers here with mixed success; a fortnight ago I suggested the "Mimic Technique" which asks you to shadow someone and mimic their eating habits, forcing the control away from you. But this also asks that you identify your eating disorder as a control switch. Some people do not instantly make this connection, and in your instance, it's more like an entity, a presence.

Some people talk about Eating Disorders and mental compulsions as another person, being, or presence. "It tells me to do X". "It", "He", whatever - your Eating Disorder is not another person or spirit, but this is a coping mechanism to absolve you of the choices it makes. For example, "My Eating Disorder won't let me eat a cookie when the whole class does". This makes your Eating Disorder a voice of authority; a parental figure. It assumes you require parental discipline or crave that kind of presence, to regulate your behaviours. Sometimes you'll hear ED sufferers saying the ED says, "Go on, you've messed today up anyway, just eat the entire cake". This means you've given the ED the position of peer, who pressurises you to prove yourself in your own particular age and behaviour bracket. It probably reveals a dearth of friends your own age, that you find it difficult to make new friends.

There is ALWAYS a reason. So today, I want everyone to consider what their ED says to them, if it is this form of ED. If it acts like an authoritative figure like a parent - I want you to step into the shoes of ED. This is going to get a bit complicated so please listen carefully.

In this exercise, I want you to make a mental log of each time you face an ED obstacle today. Whatever your ED says to you, imagine you are telling to a mirror version. So if, for example, your ED talks to you like a son or daughter, imagine you have a son or daughter and tell it the exact same thing.

So, for example, if the ED says "Hey, stop that. You can only eat a green salad!" When you're at McDonalds and everyone else is getting a burger, imagine how you feel. Now try telling your own "daughter" - "No, you CAN'T have a hamburger/happy meal. You can have lettuce."

Think of how it reflects, how it resonates.

"I'm so desperate for chocolate, but I can only eat one square."

"Mummy, can I have chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in so, so long."
"You can have one bite, but throw the rest away, and run on a treadmill for an hour, then."

You see how the ED is projected in your mind, and the LEVEL of the disorder you have, in this exercise. How out of order it REALLY is. If your ED is a restrictive parent, if your ED is a punishing Stepmother, if your ED is your Party Animal Best Bud - you will see your ED for what it really is, and the levels it's pushing you.

Perhaps in this exercise you can realise how far you've gone, and how much is there to improve. Because if you imagine if you imposed the ED's bidding on someone in similar shoes, you soon understand how cruel and unreasonable it is.

Can I ask a really odd question? You might all think it's crazy but this is how I feel.

Does anyone else feel like they talk themselves into wanting to recover and want to let go a bit. But then you have a day where you don't feel the need to count quite so obsessively or push yourself to run quite as fast as normal and then panic because it feels ike you're losing it, so you take ten million steps back, restrict an exercise more and end up worse off than you were before you tried to better yourself?

I don't even know if this makes sense.
It just feels like the more I want to let the ED go, the more I end up needing to cling onto it.