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    Thanks for the support everyone.

    The reason there are lots of biscuits os because my parents buy them - they bury their head in the sand and refuse to believe anything could ever be wrong with anyone, even though it is so painfully obvious.

    I think I done well yesterday because I exercised, but today I don't have time (put from 8.45am until about 8.45pm) and all I can think is that the day is ruined already and it doesn't matter what I do now. It's so frustrating and I'm about crying over how annoyed I am at myself, both for feeling the way I do but mostly for not exercising.

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    Oh and jazzy, that's amazing. Well done! You give us all hope x

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    Hi everyone,
    If you are suffering with an eating disorder, or disordered eating symptoms, or you care for someone else who is (or who you think may be) please click here to find out about our support services which includes helplines, support groups and online support.

    Beat (the national eating disorders charity) are currently conducting a survey of students to examine the issue of eating disorders at University.

    We know thatstudents who study at a University away from their ‘home’ can often face particular difficulties in accessing continuous or ‘joined-up’ treatment across the year (or in some cases any treatment at all), as they spend part of the year at ‘home’ and part of the year at their University city or town. This applies to both students who develop an eating disorder whilst at University and those who may have had one (or be in recovery from one) before starting their course.
    We have heard from a number of students who have fallen through the ‘gaps’ between different treatment services/NHS local authorities. However some students report that their experience of accessing treatment during this time has been a positive one, and we are equally interested to hear from these students. In this campaign we are also interested in the level of support offered by Universities as well as their efforts to prevent eating disorders. This survey is an important part of Beat’s current research and will form a significant part of our forthcoming campaigning work.
    We would like to hear from students who have moved away from home to attend University (or other Higher education institution) and have experienced and sought treatment for an eating disorder during this time. This includes those currently studying, as well as people who have finished their studies and those who are taking a break from their studies.

    Please click here to complete the survey.

    Additionally if you are suffering with an eating disorder, or disordered eating symptoms, or you care for someone else who is (or who you think may be) please click here to find out about our support services which includes helplines, support groups and online support.

    Kind Regards,
    Jonathan Kelly
    Research Officer
    Beat (formerly the Eating Disorders Association)





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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi guys. I've been lurking for a while, a bit scared to post, but reading all your posts made me realise how lovely you are. I won't go into detail about my situation, I understand how easy it is to be triggered. My BMI's currently 20, so a 'healthy' weight, although when do you ever really view it as 'healthy' when you feel like this?
    Anyway, my main reason for posting, especially at this time, was to ask if anyone has found their ED to be a cause of insomnia? I have so much revision and assessments coming up.. not a good time for this to be happening!

    I find your stories to be incredibly motivating, moving and inspiring, you are all so strong and beautiful xxx
    Don't be scared to post! Everyone here is so understanding and some people have been a massive help to me in the past. EDs DEFINITELY cause insomnia - at my worst I was only managing a couple of hours a night. I think it's a combination of psychological and physiological
    reasons - you have a lot on your mind, but you're also probably starving and your body is too scared to go to sleep in case you don't wake up/you're on your animal instinct 'hunting' mode where your body is telling you LOOK FOR FOOD NOW (sorry to be dramatic). I found it resolved itself very quickly once I started to eat a little more.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Jazzy, it refuses to let me rate a girl totally deserving of it. Xx
    (Original post by Gnome :))
    ^Likewise!

    Thank you for posting that Jazzy, really does give me hope

    Hooray for sanity, logic and prettyfulness- get out there and make the most of it

    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    Oh and jazzy, that's amazing. Well done! You give us all hope x

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    Thank you guys so much much love to all of you. Impossible? It's 2 letters too long! x
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    Spoiler because I'm getting into figures and don't want people to read it if it wil trigger them.

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    So I've came to the conclusion that my EDNOS goes both ways violently - eating less than 500 calories to binge pigging out - and the only way I feel in control is exercise.
    Now, I know the obsession with exercise is still ED and very much an issue, but when I do exercise I feel happier, and I eat healthier. I do ED things like log calories religiously, weigh all my food and have a set exercise schedule etc, but it works and I do lose the weight, but gradually while building and retaining muscle. I might still be ED, but I'm not in a bad place, and I feel in 'control', although I know it's far from 'normal'.

    When I don't exercise I'll just decide the day is ruined because I don't have that counter balance there and just tip off the edge into whichever 'phase' I'm in (restricting or binging).

    My main problem right now seems to be that I am going 'cold turkey' effectively. I decided on Wednesday night enough was enough and had all this motivation and bravado, and it lasted on Thursday. I burned 505 calories on a run in the morning and I have a target set for 1440 calories per day. I ate 1200 something calories, and that was okay. I may not have had a good net, but I didn't binge and felt much better, like I could go on.
    Today I didn't exercise and because it was one extreme to the next I fell off the wagon, very hard and very fast.

    That exercise, not only does it make me happy to do it as I enjoy it (and not in an ED 'I MUST DO THIS' way, although that is still there, but in an 'I've always loved sports and I enjoy fitness' way), but it acts as a counter balance and keeps me plodding along. No exercise = bad mental place. Exercise = life is full of bunnies.

    This weekend should help me out a little bit. I normally drive to my boyfriends and then I don't do anything 'weird' on Saturday as he's there, but on Sunday I stop in at Tesco on the way home and get all my binge foods. However, now he's staying here on Friday so I'll exercise and then have no chance to binge, then he's driving me to his (where we may do a new metafit because he begins his instructing for classes) and driving me home on Sunday so there will be no chance to binge from Fri - Sun, and then I'll be able to exercise on Monday again which should balance it out.

    I'm hoping this 4 day 'break' will help set me back down the path I had fought so hard to get on, and liked being on.

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    I've been debating for a long, long time whether I should post here. I don't have an eating disorder - not really - but I'm slowly coming round to the fact that the way I act and think about food, and have done for the last 8 years or so, really isn't healthy.

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    I've never been particularly happy with my body - looking at photos I was a slim child, but I've always thought/worried I was fat since I was very young in primary school. I was about 12 or 13 when I first started restricting. I definitely did lose some weight - if I look at photos from then I can see I was skinny - but more than that it was that I grew considerably, trained in competitive sport and refused to put any weight on. I've always had issues with eating out and in unfamiliar places and in front of people and these never went away, but I managed to gain weight and get by in a more normal way for a few years than I had done previously.

    Things went downhill again when I was at uni. In the summer after first year and the first semester of second year, I really started to watch what I ate again. It started with just cutting down on unhealthy food and progressed to the stage where I was desperately upset whenever I ate and would rarely eat more than a few hundred calories. I dropped from a BMI of 23.5 to around or slightly less than 18.5 - I was never properly underweight, but people did comment on it a lot and the logical part of me knows it was a lot to lose. I'm floating around the 21 mark now, but I've been having much the same problems : it is a constant fight between the part of me that wants to stop eating and the part of me that wants to fight it. Every time I feel like I'm getting pulled further in.


    I'm really sorry for the essay - it's horribly written and probably missed out loads of stuff but it's pretty stressful and I won't post if I spend too long thinking. I don't really have an eating disorder and I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from posting here. I think I'm just scared, and I know this isn't normal and I'm wasting my life.
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    So I'm feeling quietly optimistic today.

    I exercised, but not as much as I planned as I didn't want to go too far too fast and fall off again. If I feel okay I'll do some ab work and squats tonight with the kettlebells to help retain and build muscle.
    I'm also doing metafit tomorrow with my boyfriend (and he's going to do a workout plan for me for The Beast Race) and then as I'll be at his I won't binge. He's driving me home on Sunday so I won't stop for binge food.
    Then on Monday I plan on exercising again, and hopefully find that good balance I had before - even if the need and urge to exercise is part of the ED, I'd rather have that and eat healthily and lose weight healthily than be a massive eating/restricting mess.
    • #143
    #143

    Hey everyone
    Hope you're all okay!
    Had some exams recently, been VERY stressed which always messes my eating up :/ Trying hard though and not being tooo bad but have b/p a few times
    However, spent the day with my friend from uni today, so I tried the mimic technique Toto suggested. Very hard, yes, BUT I think she is incredible, beautiful and just generally amazing so I thought she'd be a good person to shadow. It did mean eating an awful lot of jaffa cakes, and having a drink which I don't know the calorie content for, AND we are probably having pizza later... but y'know what, it's been an amazing day!! I'm happy, we had a drink outside in the sun and chilled and we had fun! I'm not stressing anywhere near as much as I thought I would be! Maybe I can do this...?!
    Much love to everyone
    J x
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    ^^
    Bloody auto-anon! :P
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    Winter, honey, if you feel as though it's becoming detrimental to your life then it is in fact, a real problem. If you find you change your mind to your normal plans to accommodate your disordered thinking towards food and/or body image, then it's an eating disorder at the most elemental level.

    The fact you felt the need to tell us about it means it's really hindering you and plaguing your mind. If you didn't really believe it was a problem, you wouldn't have mentioned it! But the fact is, you've told us now. You know it's a problem and you're nipping it in the bud.

    Unfortunately the most frustrating element of all eating disorders is the point in which you know where the problem is, how it came about, and the elements harming you, but you are unable to break out of the monotony. This is a long and arduous task to recondition your mind to realise you're incorrect, your thoughts are broken, and up is not down after all. But that is why I set up the thread, and that's why I exist; as a mere conduit and pseudo-helpful life pop-up to help with all my friends here. It's a long process, but we're always a click away.

    Rubix, one thing I'm super-proud of you about - you're very, very intense about the prospect of getting better. A lot of people consign themselves to the thought that it's beating them, so why bother?

    Sometimes an eating disorder feels like a whirlpool. You wake up on the edge of the torrent, and swim frantically to escape the pull. Some days, you exhaust yourself fighting that current. Some days, you swim so hard, but one slip and you're pulled straight in. Some days you give up swimming and just "go with it", and when that happens, you get pulled right down to your worst point. The point I'm making is that the feeling of struggle is POSITIVE. It means you're making progress. As you make further progress, the struggle is still constant, but less exhausting. And this is a strange thing because you assume "cured" means "totally better", but in reality it's just the lessening of exhaustion; you just become less and less helpless.

    What I mean is, you expect to be getting stronger; but in reality we are all just becoming less weak.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey everyone
    Hope you're all okay!
    Had some exams recently, been VERY stressed which always messes my eating up :/ Trying hard though and not being tooo bad but have b/p a few times
    However, spent the day with my friend from uni today, so I tried the mimic technique Toto suggested. Very hard, yes, BUT I think she is incredible, beautiful and just generally amazing so I thought she'd be a good person to shadow. It did mean eating an awful lot of jaffa cakes, and having a drink which I don't know the calorie content for, AND we are probably having pizza later... but y'know what, it's been an amazing day!! I'm happy, we had a drink outside in the sun and chilled and we had fun! I'm not stressing anywhere near as much as I thought I would be! Maybe I can do this...?!
    Much love to everyone
    J x
    Jft, I'm so, so glad the Mimicry Technique is working for you. Last weekend's group session of testing the technique out was resoundingly positive and everyone felt totally refreshed here (give or take a few who felt it too difficult to maintain).

    You realise the life you're missing, you feel like a child again; so carefree, so happy. Keep it up, my friend!
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    I haven't read the entire thread (because I don't have the time right now to read 294 pages...), but I would just like to say how brave I think you are for being so open about your struggle (and everyone else for commenting on their own), and please forgive me if that sounds patronising.
    After reading the last few pages, it appears to me that you seem to be doing somewhat better and that is wonderful. It makes me happy for you, and it makes me happy for myself, in an entirely selfish manner, because it always gives me hope to see people who are recovering as it makes me feel that perhaps one day I can too.

    I hope that you are all okay today.
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    Thank you for your kindness Ava, and though I cannot speak on behalf of the people here, I can plainly say that I am not completely cured or healed, but life is better now, and your words really compliment me. I appreciate that, and hope everyone can be half as understanding. Kudos your way.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    Rubix, one thing I'm super-proud of you about - you're very, very intense about the prospect of getting better. A lot of people consign themselves to the thought that it's beating them, so why bother?

    Sometimes an eating disorder feels like a whirlpool. You wake up on the edge of the torrent, and swim frantically to escape the pull. Some days, you exhaust yourself fighting that current. Some days, you swim so hard, but one slip and you're pulled straight in. Some days you give up swimming and just "go with it", and when that happens, you get pulled right down to your worst point. The point I'm making is that the feeling of struggle is POSITIVE. It means you're making progress. As you make further progress, the struggle is still constant, but less exhausting. And this is a strange thing because you assume "cured" means "totally better", but in reality it's just the lessening of exhaustion; you just become less and less helpless.

    What I mean is, you expect to be getting stronger; but in reality we are all just becoming less weak.
    The only reason I am so intense is because I was there (although exercising was controlled by the ED) and I managed to find a balance where I ate relatively clean, I ate a good amount and I lost weight/gained muscle healthilty and I was happy. I want to get back there because I know when I am there I am happy, and I am capable of getting there.

    That's a very good definition and something I am definitely going through. Like today, I exercised and I've not binged - I had a few biscuits and probably went over my calories but very slightly. I don't feel mad or bad about that, I've came to realise that if I had went cold turkey and tried to completely stop myself again I would just end up losing the will and falling back into that whirlpool. By allowing myself a little leeway, I've managed to keep floating somewhere out there, against the current, and I feel strong enough that over the next day or two I can make more progress towards the edge as opposed to giving in.
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    The only reason I am so intense is because I was there (although exercising was controlled by the ED) and I managed to find a balance where I ate relatively clean, I ate a good amount and I lost weight/gained muscle healthilty and I was happy. I want to get back there because I know when I am there I am happy, and I am capable of getting there.

    That's a very good definition and something I am definitely going through. Like today, I exercised and I've not binged - I had a few biscuits and probably went over my calories but very slightly. I don't feel mad or bad about that, I've came to realise that if I had went cold turkey and tried to completely stop myself again I would just end up losing the will and falling back into that whirlpool. By allowing myself a little leeway, I've managed to keep floating somewhere out there, against the current, and I feel strong enough that over the next day or two I can make more progress towards the edge as opposed to giving in.
    Absolutely, Rubix, and I commend you for noticing that. We tend to strive for an all-or-nothing approach which is inherent of the ED nature, but in reality nothing is so clean-cut.

    I extend this notion to all the posters:

    If you were asked to make a piece of toast - how many of you would scrutinise over the piece of bread, as well as the spread upon it?

    Those of you who scrutinised both - you guys are still very much in ED land. Those who scrutinised not the bread but what you put on it - you guys are breaking free, but still compelled to a tee. Those who feel they can apply margarine, jam, or butter to bread with their own judgement? Well done. You have your blade to the ED's throat.

    My personal addition? You should always strive to be a bit more ambiguous. Think about it. Freedom is by definition, the ability to liberate one's self from shackles, right? So when someone says, "let's go and do X!" - do you quantify it instantly? Think, "I can do that until X hour, when I've consumed Y calories, with Z people"? This is the first thing to contest. Try just... not counting.

    MADNESS! I know you think I'm insane because I believe I am, myself, insane, for suggesting this. But this is why I really want to perpetuate the Mimickry theory. You should pick a person, match them like-for-like, then next week, mimic another person. You start to formulate a realistic image of what is normal. People don't usually act on logic or thought. They do. They react. They do not scrutinise, or worry, or consider. Their stomach hurts and so they eat a meal. They are having fun and so they want to have more fun. It's not madness, but common sense here.

    If you are striving to break the cycle, then do so - gently.

    I extend my positivity to everyone this Friday evening as we all strive to return to normality!
    • #177
    #177

    Your story is actually moving and i'd love to have your courage. In fact, reading all of this just made me feel sick about myself. I'm currently dealing with some body issues and it's being really hard on me, but after hearing about your story I just feel like a big ******* for thinking I have a problem. You should be an example to all of us *
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    Hey everyone. Not even quite sure why I'm posting but I'm feeling awful at the moment. Not sure whether I have an eating disorder as such, but my eating habits aren't particularly good. I grew up overweight and absolutely loathed it, I was only a little overweight, what you'd describe as chubby really. But life took a turn for the worse about 6 years ago and I developed depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. My eating is awful, I go between starving myself and bingeing. I lost three stone last year via unhealthy ways and my mental health has taken a severe turn for the worse, which I think has contributing to massive binges. I've now put most of the weight on. I absolutely hate the way i look, and feel. I feel absolutely repulsive and can think of nothing else but cutting this fat off myself. I'm at my wits end. I have no clue what to do any more and I'm in a mess.




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    • #177
    #177

    (Original post by 08batee)
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    Hey everyone. Not even quite sure why I'm posting but I'm feeling awful at the moment. Not sure whether I have an eating disorder as such, but my eating habits aren't particularly good. I grew up overweight and absolutely loathed it, I was only a little overweight, what you'd describe as chubby really. But life took a turn for the worse about 6 years ago and I developed depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. My eating is awful, I go between starving myself and bingeing. I lost three stone last year via unhealthy ways and my mental health has taken a severe turn for the worse, which I think has contributing to massive binges. I've now put most of the weight on. I absolutely hate the way i look, and feel. I feel absolutely repulsive and can think of nothing else but cutting this fat off myself. I'm at my wits end. I have no clue what to do any more and I'm in a mess.




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    I'm really sorry for you.. I can relate to some parts of your story. I started being "chubby" around 13 years old but i've never really done nothing about it as i didn't felt bad about it and all of my friends were so nice and supporting. Until last year.. I started feeling awful, fat and disgusting, so i reached out to an aunt of mine who's always been extremely fit and beautiful. She is a nurse and has professional experience in body treatments, so she did me 5 or 6 sessions which really helped me losing weight and waist/thighs inches. But my eating habits were really unhealthy as i practically only ate vegetables and didn't exceed 1000kcal per day while spending hours at the gym. I started feeling better about myself, but then I lost control and started getting obsessed. My mother sent me to a nutritionist who i am now seeing. I thought i was doing great and had totally recovered, but these last few days have been so hard on me /: i am feeling obsessed and unhappy again and my mother is kind of freaking out :s
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    *
    I'm sure Toto and others wish they had stopped at the stage that they felt like a fraud or not sick enough. If you have something that is taking over your life and affecting it negatively then it is a problem, and you are as worthy as anyone else to try and recover.

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    Your body was starved and the binges came from your body needing nutrients and your mind wanting freedom. Actually I am happy for your body that you have put the weight back on, because it has obviously been damaged.
    I know how you are feeling, but remember, you look like the same person. You weren't an antelope that has turned into a giraffe! You are still you, and despite how you are feeling about yourself, weight doesn't change who you are. It's so hard not to think of your life in terms of how much you weigh and it's something I still struggle with but it's a distortion, and the only way the binges will stop is when you remember that life isn't something you are saving up for, it's something that is happening right now.
 
 
 
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