Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

Announcements
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    ^ That was me

    Name:  tumblr_mfoup7aRH41rx19nlo1_500.jpg
Views: 79
Size:  61.5 KB
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I feel completely disgusting when I eat and I break my planned calorie limit :'( I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be happy in some ways. My family left me. I couldn't stop my little sister from hurting. I feel like I should be able to fix everything. Im a perfectionist with school and stuff as well after I failed my first year. I feel like I need to be more than normal.
    A normal amount of food doesn't feel normal to me. I see my family eating and I feel like its a horrendous amount. I spend hours planning what I'm going to eat in the day and then it's ruined by them saying that's not enough. So I eat that I want to please them, I want them to think im ok because I don't want them to hurt. But then I need to get rid or I SH or something because I cant stand myself. And it's so frustrating because I know I can do it, I did it before.
    And more than anything, when I throw up I actually feel something that's almost like happiness... Achievement. If I can just be better, control this then my life will sort itself out. I want to please people. I want to be thin.
    My BMI is healthy but all i see is fat so it must be wrong because it's everywhere. It makes me panic I don't even want to leave the house. I see my reflection and my shadow and I want to hide. Everytime someone laughs they must be laughing at me .. And when people say you look so skinny and how do you do it and you've lost so much weight I want to cry because they must be mocking me. I know I've gained weight.
    I went to the doctors and nothing changed at all, I'm still waiting on the CMHT. I feel like ive given up because I'm so tired I mean I didnt tell my doctor much about the eating side of things and I didn't mention binge purging but I couldn't. Talking about SH knackered me emotionally and then when my friends weren't there at the next appointment I choked and couldn't speak im such a failure :'(
    I'm sorry I'm a complete mess right now, you don't need this


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    You know what? I'm glad you told me this. It's a step forward; nay, a stride forward.

    You said purging gives you a rush. Well yeah, it WOULD do; the chemical reaction to vomiting is that your brain tries to compensate for a traumatic event by giving you an endorphin rush of pleasure to tell you "what you're doing is right, we're getting rid of something evil from your stomach." But in reality, vomiting is for when you're contaminated and food is no such contiminant. It's your life-fuel.

    By artificially tricking your body to eject the food it's literally like masturbation for the stomach; but nothing more. The elation is fleeting and totally fruitless.

    What you're experiencing at home is something called "Hero syndrome". It's when everyone around you is happily average, perhaps struggling at numerous things. When you see it, all of your personal reminders, cues, thoughts of a "saviour" come forth. For some people experiencing this, it's simply mental, but for others, they consider Adonis, Hercules; figures of physical strength and foreboding. Basically you subconsciously associate helping others/achievement/help with the image of a hero, and you cannot detach from that notion.

    I think what you've identified is that your family are a herd, a team, a clan, and that you are isolated, eager to be their "hero", the one to show your prowess. Why do you think this is? Were you previously bullied/an underdog? Or do you simply want your family name to flourish? It's a complex issue but it's one that can be underpinned. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Had a revelation today one of the reasons I seem to binge is to do with blaming myself for not being 'normal'. But it's stupid because my idea of normal is actually some sort of hyperbolic ideal for humanity, like I think no-one else has ever been late, or stayed up too late, or put off work to watch telly, or eaten or drank 'too much'.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Just as one example, I stayed on campus until 10 today, got home just as Mum was driving away...started feeling like a failure of a son and went to eat a whole box of Lindor. Making a mountain out of a molehill for sure! Exceptionally tasty :P

    binging isn't too big a deal once you figure out what's going on. It was the not knowing who I was that bothered me.
    I also realised that in no way whatsoever does shame and blame help you recover. It just perpetuates the false idea of helplessness and the erroneous notion this one problem you have makes you a failure of a person.
    Just random musings it's good to have time to think through old habits getting you nowhere.

    ^^^ I'm a victim of hero syndrome bigtime. The first step is acceptance
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I think what you've identified is that your family are a herd, a team, a clan, and that you are isolated, eager to be their "hero", the one to show your prowess. Why do you think this is? Were you previously bullied/an underdog? Or do you simply want your family name to flourish? It's a complex issue but it's one that can be underpinned. X
    This wasn't aimed at me, but i think it completely explains why i'm struggling so much with the fact that a friend is relapsing, that another friend has broken up with his girlfriend and everything else. i'm desperately trying to fix everything/ make everyone else happy/ not worry about me, because i know what its like to be so desperately unhappy.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You know what? I'm glad you told me this. It's a step forward; nay, a stride forward.

    You said purging gives you a rush. Well yeah, it WOULD do; the chemical reaction to vomiting is that your brain tries to compensate for a traumatic event by giving you an endorphin rush of pleasure to tell you "what you're doing is right, we're getting rid of something evil from your stomach." But in reality, vomiting is for when you're contaminated and food is no such contiminant. It's your life-fuel.

    By artificially tricking your body to eject the food it's literally like masturbation for the stomach; but nothing more. The elation is fleeting and totally fruitless.

    What you're experiencing at home is something called "Hero syndrome". It's when everyone around you is happily average, perhaps struggling at numerous things. When you see it, all of your personal reminders, cues, thoughts of a "saviour" come forth. For some people experiencing this, it's simply mental, but for others, they consider Adonis, Hercules; figures of physical strength and foreboding. Basically you subconsciously associate helping others/achievement/help with the image of a hero, and you cannot detach from that notion.

    I think what you've identified is that your family are a herd, a team, a clan, and that you are isolated, eager to be their "hero", the one to show your prowess. Why do you think this is? Were you previously bullied/an underdog? Or do you simply want your family name to flourish? It's a complex issue but it's one that can be underpinned. X
    I've been bullied before but I don't know. I dont actually live with my family as such, they left me. But I used to look after them all and now I'm on my own. I just want to please them all.
    I just can't seem to eat normally and feel ok. I can't do it anymore. I want to be perfect and thin and smart. But I'm falling and im scared of what I'm doing to myself and im scared that I don't care if I kills me. Sometimes that's all I want. I feel like I'm failing at everything. Like I'm not even doing this right because im still disgusting and I can't seem to lose weight anymore. sorry and thank you for everyone being so supportive. I just feel like I don't deserve you all being so nice..


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    This wasn't aimed at me, but i think it completely explains why i'm struggling so much with the fact that a friend is relapsing, that another friend has broken up with his girlfriend and everything else. i'm desperately trying to fix everything/ make everyone else happy/ not worry about me, because i know what its like to be so desperately unhappy.
    It is a real trend with ED sufferers that we are pariahs. What it means to be one of us is very often, the punishment of ourselves in order to further amplify our healing of those around us. It's very often why sometimes we seem like we're kicking ourselves into the dirt purposely.

    The truth is, it just gives the illusion that our achievements are all the more impressive. That we faced adversity and came out on top. What's better than saving our family? Well, being the "weak link", the "little piggy", the "loose end" of the family who rises from the shadows and shows everyone what they can do!

    But it truly is that. A false sense of achievement. It's not real. Achievement has become so very petty these days that the real things are often overlooked. Justin Bieber eats crisps after performance! Wow, really?! We hang on every last word of the media, assuming that this is what's important. No, there isn't a fanfare. When your family and your friends are safe and well, there IS no party or fanfare to thank you. It merely happens, and all you get is the satisfaction in your subconscious.

    It's a shame really. You could actively avert the entire family falling to pieces and achieve the greatest, most meaningful renunion in your own existence. But in the grand scheme it would be a petty, minor detail. Is that to mean it means nothing? That you are no Einstein, no Watt, no Wilde?

    It's how you judge your own achievements that helps you judge your actions. Some people make it through the day having sat throught fifteen hours of talk show re-runs and feel their day has been a success. Are THEY losers? Some people go to work, risk their lives, save children from burning buildings, and get no thanks whatsoever from ITV, Sky News or CNN. They will have saved Billy Smith from certain death and have no mention in the pantheon of history for their heroism. But are they fruitless?

    We just have to accept our achievements don't have to be reflected in the praise or outward acceptance of those around us. It's difficult at first, but you learn to understand.

    I personally believe we're all incredible. All capable of brilliance. As a collective, we can all do things beyond our initial comprehension.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Still no period, fml.
    And it's still too early to test accurately until around the weekend, double fml.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Struggling so much :'( I honestly don't think I can do this. I want to but it's so hard and I just feel like im falling. People say eating will make you better but it seems like it makes me worse. I just don't know what to do. I need a wy out :'(


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Struggling so much :'( I honestly don't think I can do this. I want to but it's so hard and I just feel like im falling. People say eating will make you better but it seems like it makes me worse. I just don't know what to do. I need a wy out :'(


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    You can do this my love, i know eating makes you feel fat horrible and useless, but you CAN do this.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    You can do this my love, i know eating makes you feel fat horrible and useless, but you CAN do this.
    I don't even want to leave the house :'( thank you for being so supportive. Just don't feel like I deserve it right now.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I don't even want to leave the house :'( thank you for being so supportive. Just don't feel like I deserve it right now.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    It's not about deserving or not deserving, it's about finding why you are mentally disordered and trying to help it. This thread is not a pat on the back, "there there!" kind of thread. I spend a huge amount of my time in analysis of these issues.

    Okay, I've put out a few exercises and whatnot to the sufferers here with mixed success; a fortnight ago I suggested the "Mimic Technique" which asks you to shadow someone and mimic their eating habits, forcing the control away from you. But this also asks that you identify your eating disorder as a control switch. Some people do not instantly make this connection, and in your instance, it's more like an entity, a presence.

    Some people talk about Eating Disorders and mental compulsions as another person, being, or presence. "It tells me to do X". "It", "He", whatever - your Eating Disorder is not another person or spirit, but this is a coping mechanism to absolve you of the choices it makes. For example, "My Eating Disorder won't let me eat a cookie when the whole class does". This makes your Eating Disorder a voice of authority; a parental figure. It assumes you require parental discipline or crave that kind of presence, to regulate your behaviours. Sometimes you'll hear ED sufferers saying the ED says, "Go on, you've messed today up anyway, just eat the entire cake". This means you've given the ED the position of peer, who pressurises you to prove yourself in your own particular age and behaviour bracket. It probably reveals a dearth of friends your own age, that you find it difficult to make new friends.

    There is ALWAYS a reason. So today, I want everyone to consider what their ED says to them, if it is this form of ED. If it acts like an authoritative figure like a parent - I want you to step into the shoes of ED. This is going to get a bit complicated so please listen carefully.

    In this exercise, I want you to make a mental log of each time you face an ED obstacle today. Whatever your ED says to you, imagine you are telling to a mirror version. So if, for example, your ED talks to you like a son or daughter, imagine you have a son or daughter and tell it the exact same thing.

    So, for example, if the ED says "Hey, stop that. You can only eat a green salad!" When you're at McDonalds and everyone else is getting a burger, imagine how you feel. Now try telling your own "daughter" - "No, you CAN'T have a hamburger/happy meal. You can have lettuce."

    Think of how it reflects, how it resonates.

    "I'm so desperate for chocolate, but I can only eat one square."

    "Mummy, can I have chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in so, so long."
    "You can have one bite, but throw the rest away, and run on a treadmill for an hour, then."

    You see how the ED is projected in your mind, and the LEVEL of the disorder you have, in this exercise. How out of order it REALLY is. If your ED is a restrictive parent, if your ED is a punishing Stepmother, if your ED is your Party Animal Best Bud - you will see your ED for what it really is, and the levels it's pushing you.

    Perhaps in this exercise you can realise how far you've gone, and how much is there to improve. Because if you imagine if you imposed the ED's bidding on someone in similar shoes, you soon understand how cruel and unreasonable it is.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It's not about deserving or not deserving, it's about finding why you are mentally disordered and trying to help it. This thread is not a pat on the back, "there there!" kind of thread. I spend a huge amount of my time in analysis of these issues.

    Okay, I've put out a few exercises and whatnot to the sufferers here with mixed success; a fortnight ago I suggested the "Mimic Technique" which asks you to shadow someone and mimic their eating habits, forcing the control away from you. But this also asks that you identify your eating disorder as a control switch. Some people do not instantly make this connection, and in your instance, it's more like an entity, a presence.

    Some people talk about Eating Disorders and mental compulsions as another person, being, or presence. "It tells me to do X". "It", "He", whatever - your Eating Disorder is not another person or spirit, but this is a coping mechanism to absolve you of the choices it makes. For example, "My Eating Disorder won't let me eat a cookie when the whole class does". This makes your Eating Disorder a voice of authority; a parental figure. It assumes you require parental discipline or crave that kind of presence, to regulate your behaviours. Sometimes you'll hear ED sufferers saying the ED says, "Go on, you've messed today up anyway, just eat the entire cake". This means you've given the ED the position of peer, who pressurises you to prove yourself in your own particular age and behaviour bracket. It probably reveals a dearth of friends your own age, that you find it difficult to make new friends.

    There is ALWAYS a reason. So today, I want everyone to consider what their ED says to them, if it is this form of ED. If it acts like an authoritative figure like a parent - I want you to step into the shoes of ED. This is going to get a bit complicated so please listen carefully.

    In this exercise, I want you to make a mental log of each time you face an ED obstacle today. Whatever your ED says to you, imagine you are telling to a mirror version. So if, for example, your ED talks to you like a son or daughter, imagine you have a son or daughter and tell it the exact same thing.

    So, for example, if the ED says "Hey, stop that. You can only eat a green salad!" When you're at McDonalds and everyone else is getting a burger, imagine how you feel. Now try telling your own "daughter" - "No, you CAN'T have a hamburger/happy meal. You can have lettuce."

    Think of how it reflects, how it resonates.

    "I'm so desperate for chocolate, but I can only eat one square."

    "Mummy, can I have chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in so, so long."
    "You can have one bite, but throw the rest away, and run on a treadmill for an hour, then."

    You see how the ED is projected in your mind, and the LEVEL of the disorder you have, in this exercise. How out of order it REALLY is. If your ED is a restrictive parent, if your ED is a punishing Stepmother, if your ED is your Party Animal Best Bud - you will see your ED for what it really is, and the levels it's pushing you.

    Perhaps in this exercise you can realise how far you've gone, and how much is there to improve. Because if you imagine if you imposed the ED's bidding on someone in similar shoes, you soon understand how cruel and unreasonable it is.
    This is a really good idea. Though, I've never really considered my ED having a voice so I don't know how to approach it? The decisions I make regarding food etc are my own, that I'm aware of - but I do make them on an ED basis, for example, I'll eat a stir fry at lunch because it's what I do most days so I can do it without thinking about it. I feel like if I was able to pinpoint where this voice was and what it was saying to me to make me act like this, I could take the next step in recovery. If this makes sense?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    This is a really good idea. Though, I've never really considered my ED having a voice so I don't know how to approach it? The decisions I make regarding food etc are my own, that I'm aware of - but I do make them on an ED basis, for example, I'll eat a stir fry at lunch because it's what I do most days so I can do it without thinking about it. I feel like if I was able to pinpoint where this voice was and what it was saying to me to make me act like this, I could take the next step in recovery. If this makes sense?
    I get what you're saying, Sweetpea!

    The problem is it's entirely cause and effect. ED is not an action; it is a subconscious REaction. Something occurs, it's your mental trigger, and you react without consideration. Sometimes pinpointing the triggers is the longest phase.

    You might think it's totally mechanical, a robotic thing. Make lunch - Stir Fry. If there's no stir fry ingredients, but a bunch of other foods, do you get anxious? Feel you need to go buy Stir Fry ingredients? Or do you just make something else?

    If you answered yes, you need to go buy StirFry stuff, with zero ability to compensate, then it's a comfort issue. Security. Your ED takes on the role of GUARDIAN in your mind; it knows you will be okay so long as you only eat your "safe" dishes. You're not fearful of food as such, just the unknown.

    In this respect, challenge what's BAD about the things, the elements, the situations of ignorance. Of unknowing. What's the single worst thing that could happen by having a sandwich instead of a stir fry, for example. Quantify. Calculate if you need to, it's all part of the cognitive reasoning. Compare. Whatever you need to do. But make the link. INDENTIFY.

    If the answer is no, you'd be fine just cooking something else, it's just that you're so used to making a stir fry, then the ED is either so well ingrained that it "stealth suggests" - ie, "I love healthy boiled fish, I will choose the healthy boiled fish instead of the Beer Battered Fish. Healthy boiled fish is my favourite" (you begin to believe something is your ultimate favourite through the ED's mental conditioning throughout the years when it might actually be a "liked" or "tolerated" option, because it's the inherently healthier choice).

    Which of the two is more like you?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I get what you're saying, Sweetpea!

    The problem is it's entirely cause and effect. ED is not an action; it is a subconscious REaction. Something occurs, it's your mental trigger, and you react without consideration. Sometimes pinpointing the triggers is the longest phase.

    You might think it's totally mechanical, a robotic thing. Make lunch - Stir Fry. If there's no stir fry ingredients, but a bunch of other foods, do you get anxious? Feel you need to go buy Stir Fry ingredients? Or do you just make something else?

    If you answered yes, you need to go buy StirFry stuff, with zero ability to compensate, then it's a comfort issue. Security. Your ED takes on the role of GUARDIAN in your mind; it knows you will be okay so long as you only eat your "safe" dishes. You're not fearful of food as such, just the unknown.

    In this respect, challenge what's BAD about the things, the elements, the situations of ignorance. Of unknowing. What's the single worst thing that could happen by having a sandwich instead of a stir fry, for example. Quantify. Calculate if you need to, it's all part of the cognitive reasoning. Compare. Whatever you need to do. But make the link. INDENTIFY.

    If the answer is no, you'd be fine just cooking something else, it's just that you're so used to making a stir fry, then the ED is either so well ingrained that it "stealth suggests" - ie, "I love healthy boiled fish, I will choose the healthy boiled fish instead of the Beer Battered Fish. Healthy boiled fish is my favourite" (you begin to believe something is your ultimate favourite through the ED's mental conditioning throughout the years when it might actually be a "liked" or "tolerated" option, because it's the inherently healthier choice).

    Which of the two is more like you?
    Man, you're so wise!! In honesty, I think it's a bit of both. My first thought would be to go and buy the ingredients but then I may question myself and make something else. Though, I'd probably look for the next closest/familiar thing. So it's probably a bit of a ingrained guardian.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Hey I've lurked around on this thread for a while now. You guys may not know, but it has played a big part in my current efforts to recover, and when having a bad day I would always browse here for reassurance.

    However, I've come to a point where I really need to get all of this off of my chest.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I discharged myself from an adolescent psych ward, believing I could do the rest of recovery at home. Many people doubted this decision (even myself) and believed it was the "anorexia" speaking... but I genuinely hated being locked up in there, and it was horrible being away from family.
    I left at a much safer weight than admission, but my BMI was still low - being nearly 17. (I'd like to add here - I am 16 years old, so not sure if BMI is the correct assessment for my weight.)

    Upon discharge, I've been finding things extremely tough. I made pledges with myself not to count calories and not to restrict - and to give all food control to my parents. However... It was a drip,drip thing. I gradually started to count calories again (from estimating first to complete control) and it's now resulted in restriction.
    I hate to give numbers here as I know it's triggering(so it's in a spoiler) but at the moment I limit myself to under 800 calories... Down from the 3000 I was on in hospital.
    I feel almost like a fake. There are stories of people restricting more severely than that, and it really makes me feel like a failure... I've always hovered around that number, even before admission... I can't stop that voice that's saying "that's too much, how can you be anorexic?"

    I'm beginning to get to the point where I can't cope anymore. I don't eat anything during the day, just so that I can allow myself that amount in a shorter space of time. Calories to me are a kind of allowance that I save up (if that makes sense?)
    It's not a fear of the food... I love food. I constantly spend my time on food review sites.. I've turned into a complete "foodie". It's just the control over the number, it gives me something to do, something to think about...

    My weight's continuing to drop, and the treatment team I'm with say that they'll discharge me from their services if I lose weight - because I'm "not working with their program". But it's just too hard. I'm trying my best... I want to get better, it's just too difficult.

    I don't know what to do now... it's just going to go downhill. Now that I've started calorie counting again it's hard to turn back. I'm trapped in that horrible fear of "starvation mode" - that if I up my intake at all the weight will pile on.

    Nobody in my family knows I'm restricting, it just makes me feel even more guilty... So that's why I'm posting this, kind of like a confession.

    Sorry for the long story, but I really needed to get it out.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I get what you're saying, Sweetpea!

    The problem is it's entirely cause and effect. ED is not an action; it is a subconscious REaction. Something occurs, it's your mental trigger, and you react without consideration. Sometimes pinpointing the triggers is the longest phase.

    You might think it's totally mechanical, a robotic thing. Make lunch - Stir Fry. If there's no stir fry ingredients, but a bunch of other foods, do you get anxious? Feel you need to go buy Stir Fry ingredients? Or do you just make something else?

    If you answered yes, you need to go buy StirFry stuff, with zero ability to compensate, then it's a comfort issue. Security. Your ED takes on the role of GUARDIAN in your mind; it knows you will be okay so long as you only eat your "safe" dishes. You're not fearful of food as such, just the unknown.

    In this respect, challenge what's BAD about the things, the elements, the situations of ignorance. Of unknowing. What's the single worst thing that could happen by having a sandwich instead of a stir fry, for example. Quantify. Calculate if you need to, it's all part of the cognitive reasoning. Compare. Whatever you need to do. But make the link. INDENTIFY.

    If the answer is no, you'd be fine just cooking something else, it's just that you're so used to making a stir fry, then the ED is either so well ingrained that it "stealth suggests" - ie, "I love healthy boiled fish, I will choose the healthy boiled fish instead of the Beer Battered Fish. Healthy boiled fish is my favourite" (you begin to believe something is your ultimate favourite through the ED's mental conditioning throughout the years when it might actually be a "liked" or "tolerated" option, because it's the inherently healthier choice).

    Which of the two is more like you?
    In a similar vein to this; I find that I just genuinely have no idea what foods I like or don't like anymore. I've got progressively more fussy with food since I was a child, and now there are quite a lot of common foods I just won't touch. But has anyone else had the problem where you don't know if you actually don't like something or if you've just conditioned yourself to 'not like it' because you perceive it as unhealthy?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    Hey I've lurked around on this thread for a while now. You guys may not know, but it has played a big part in my current efforts to recover, and when having a bad day I would always browse here for reassurance.

    However, I've come to a point where I really need to get all of this off of my chest.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I discharged myself from an adolescent psych ward, believing I could do the rest of recovery at home. Many people doubted this decision (even myself) and believed it was the "anorexia" speaking... but I genuinely hated being locked up in there, and it was horrible being away from family.
    I left at a much safer weight than admission, but my BMI was still low - being nearly 17. (I'd like to add here - I am 16 years old, so not sure if BMI is the correct assessment for my weight.)

    Upon discharge, I've been finding things extremely tough. I made pledges with myself not to count calories and not to restrict - and to give all food control to my parents. However... It was a drip,drip thing. I gradually started to count calories again (from estimating first to complete control) and it's now resulted in restriction.
    I hate to give numbers here as I know it's triggering(so it's in a spoiler) but at the moment I limit myself to under 800 calories... Down from the 3000 I was on in hospital.
    I feel almost like a fake. There are stories of people restricting more severely than that, and it really makes me feel like a failure... I've always hovered around that number, even before admission... I can't stop that voice that's saying "that's too much, how can you be anorexic?"

    I'm beginning to get to the point where I can't cope anymore. I don't eat anything during the day, just so that I can allow myself that amount in a shorter space of time. Calories to me are a kind of allowance that I save up (if that makes sense?)
    It's not a fear of the food... I love food. I constantly spend my time on food review sites.. I've turned into a complete "foodie". It's just the control over the number, it gives me something to do, something to think about...

    My weight's continuing to drop, and the treatment team I'm with say that they'll discharge me from their services if I lose weight - because I'm "not working with their program". But it's just too hard. I'm trying my best... I want to get better, it's just too difficult.

    I don't know what to do now... it's just going to go downhill. Now that I've started calorie counting again it's hard to turn back. I'm trapped in that horrible fear of "starvation mode" - that if I up my intake at all the weight will pile on.

    Nobody in my family knows I'm restricting, it just makes me feel even more guilty... So that's why I'm posting this, kind of like a confession.

    Sorry for the long story, but I really needed to get it out.
    Dear, when you have an eating disorder you'll always feel like you're not ill enough. 'Oh I can't be that ill, I do eat somethings, or, I eat around 800 a day'. You'll never feel like you're anorexic enough so to speak, which just fuels on the feelings of denial that you have a problem. At the end of the day someone could eat around 1500 calories a day, but know full well with their activity level they would need 2500 a day just to function, but feel unable to change for fear of gaining weight. At the end of it, when coupled with the other anxieties and behaviours that characterise eating disorders, that makes it no less of an eating disorder than others. When you have an eating disorder it really does become impossible to see the wood for the trees - that become so obsessed with something such as calories or your weight that you're oblivious to the damage that it's causing to your life. Although BMI isn't as appropriate for growing children as it is for adults, it's still a solid indicator of if you're underweight.

    As regard for your calorie allowance, I know it's difficult to change, but starving yourself for a period of time during the day and then consuming all your calorie allowance in a single period of time is doing no good to your body at all. It can throw things such as electrolytes and blood sugar levels out of whack, risking damage to your body, and have a serious impact on your psychological well being. You'll be unable to concentrate on anything as your body and brain just counts down the clock to when it knows it will be nourished again; and will seriously impact on your mood.

    I very much doubt anyone with Anorexia Nervosa dislikes food. They fear the prospect of weight gain, but anorexics tend to be obsessed with food! As the Minnesota Starvation Experiment showed, when your body and brain becomes deprived of food then food becomes pretty much all that you can think about, it's your body's way of saying, 'I'm starving, feed me now!'. It's amazing looking at just how many people from this thread post in the food and drink forum! Unfortunately the preoccupation with food wouldn't be a problem if someone didn't have an eating disorder, but had it for, say, their job; however, for someone with an eating disorder, the preoccupation with food is just a facet of your disorder, that you prioritise and put more importance on food and eating (or lack thereof) than you do on other more important aspects of your life.

    I really can't believe your team are willing to discharge you when you are clearly struggling with eating! If they are a specialist eating disorder team then they should surely realise just how hard it is to adapt and change to gaining weight after restricting I don't doubt at all that you're trying your hardest to change. If you've got a team such as psychiatric nurses, occupational therapists or doctors measuring you, then rest assured, it is not in their interest at all to 'make you fat', but to restore your weight to normal, and more importantly, restore your health and quality of life . Nobody can argue that having an eating disorder is in anyway enjoyable - quite the opposite, it's hell!

    I know telling your family that you're restricting is difficult, but believe me, it's essential to your recovery . Eating disorders, whether it be a case of Anorexia Nervosa, Bullimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder or EDNOS all thrive on secrecy. They create a bubble around you to completely enclose you from the world, and that you want nobody to burst that bubble for fear of discovery and change. As long as nobody knows about your problem the harder it is to change. You become convinced nobody can hurt you or your disorder in this said bubble, but the reality is you're hurting yourself just by being in it.

    Stay strong and take care You're a strong person for just admitting to your problems on here, it's not a confession at all, but a sign of bravery If you're ever struggling, post on here, it's what we're all here for .
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by winter10)
    In a similar vein to this; I find that I just genuinely have no idea what foods I like or don't like anymore. I've got progressively more fussy with food since I was a child, and now there are quite a lot of common foods I just won't touch. But has anyone else had the problem where you don't know if you actually don't like something or if you've just conditioned yourself to 'not like it' because you perceive it as unhealthy?
    I totally hear you!
    Apparently, I 'don't like' dairy products, or red meat, or sweets... the list goes on. But I always used to, before this started so I think I've spent so long telling myself not to eat them that I've convinced myself I don't like them! Nice work, brain.. :/
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It's not about deserving or not deserving, it's about finding why you are mentally disordered and trying to help it. This thread is not a pat on the back, "there there!" kind of thread. I spend a huge amount of my time in analysis of these issues.

    Okay, I've put out a few exercises and whatnot to the sufferers here with mixed success; a fortnight ago I suggested the "Mimic Technique" which asks you to shadow someone and mimic their eating habits, forcing the control away from you. But this also asks that you identify your eating disorder as a control switch. Some people do not instantly make this connection, and in your instance, it's more like an entity, a presence.

    Some people talk about Eating Disorders and mental compulsions as another person, being, or presence. "It tells me to do X". "It", "He", whatever - your Eating Disorder is not another person or spirit, but this is a coping mechanism to absolve you of the choices it makes. For example, "My Eating Disorder won't let me eat a cookie when the whole class does". This makes your Eating Disorder a voice of authority; a parental figure. It assumes you require parental discipline or crave that kind of presence, to regulate your behaviours. Sometimes you'll hear ED sufferers saying the ED says, "Go on, you've messed today up anyway, just eat the entire cake". This means you've given the ED the position of peer, who pressurises you to prove yourself in your own particular age and behaviour bracket. It probably reveals a dearth of friends your own age, that you find it difficult to make new friends.

    There is ALWAYS a reason. So today, I want everyone to consider what their ED says to them, if it is this form of ED. If it acts like an authoritative figure like a parent - I want you to step into the shoes of ED. This is going to get a bit complicated so please listen carefully.

    In this exercise, I want you to make a mental log of each time you face an ED obstacle today. Whatever your ED says to you, imagine you are telling to a mirror version. So if, for example, your ED talks to you like a son or daughter, imagine you have a son or daughter and tell it the exact same thing.

    So, for example, if the ED says "Hey, stop that. You can only eat a green salad!" When you're at McDonalds and everyone else is getting a burger, imagine how you feel. Now try telling your own "daughter" - "No, you CAN'T have a hamburger/happy meal. You can have lettuce."

    Think of how it reflects, how it resonates.

    "I'm so desperate for chocolate, but I can only eat one square."

    "Mummy, can I have chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in so, so long."
    "You can have one bite, but throw the rest away, and run on a treadmill for an hour, then."

    You see how the ED is projected in your mind, and the LEVEL of the disorder you have, in this exercise. How out of order it REALLY is. If your ED is a restrictive parent, if your ED is a punishing Stepmother, if your ED is your Party Animal Best Bud - you will see your ED for what it really is, and the levels it's pushing you.

    Perhaps in this exercise you can realise how far you've gone, and how much is there to improve. Because if you imagine if you imposed the ED's bidding on someone in similar shoes, you soon understand how cruel and unreasonable it is.
    I guess for me it's always there even when no one else is. Almost like a distraction sometimes from everything else. And it's the control. If I can control that, something so hard to control because I'm starving and all I want to do is eat I can control everything.. I thought about how I would feel if one of my friends or little sisters was doing this and it made me feel physically sick.. I'm always telling people they should eat what they want and they are allowed a treat.. I just cant do it myself :/ makes me so anxious.
    Very frustrated at the min. I knew I was getting worse so I went to the doctors which was a huge deal for me, but nothing's changed and I can feel myself getting worse and worse. I'm so unhappy and I can't see a way out. Its frustrating because now I want to really really want to beat this and I don't seem to be getting any help, apart from you guys on here


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Can I ask a really odd question? You might all think it's crazy but this is how I feel.

    Does anyone else feel like they talk themselves into wanting to recover and want to let go a bit. But then you have a day where you don't feel the need to count quite so obsessively or push yourself to run quite as fast as normal and then panic because it feels ike you're losing it, so you take ten million steps back, restrict an exercise more and end up worse off than you were before you tried to better yourself?

    I don't even know if this makes sense.
    It just feels like the more I want to let the ED go, the more I end up needing to cling onto it.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
Poll
Do you agree with the proposed ban on plastic straws and cotton buds?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.