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    • #142
    #142

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks so much... really good to hear that someone is in the same boat as me!!! Your so inspiring, and I can tell that you've a real passion for teachin!! Its going to be so hard but part of me thinks the independence will really help me outa this 'rut'... wat uni you goin to??? thanks for the reply btw x
    Hmmm I'm not really inspiring :/ I'm ashamed of myself and the things I do.. But I want to be inspiring and I want to fix this. See I'm kind of the opposite .. I think the independence of Uni .. being able to choose when and what I eat and exercise might make me worse ... I'm going to Durham, you? and anytime Its nice to be able to help someone .. people on here have helped me enough times its about time I start giving back if I can x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmmm I'm not really inspiring :/ I'm ashamed of myself and the things I do.. But I want to be inspiring and I want to fix this. See I'm kind of the opposite .. I think the independence of Uni .. being able to choose when and what I eat and exercise might make me worse ... I'm going to Durham, you? and anytime Its nice to be able to help someone .. people on here have helped me enough times its about time I start giving back if I can x
    That was me .. ugh auto anon :/
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    Another sign that my health is somewhat improving; I guess I should be happy with that, and I know part of me is

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    However, even the real me hates period pains. I haven't really had one for a good few years now, and oh how I forgot how horrible they are. Bleurgh.
    • #178
    #178

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmmm I'm not really inspiring :/ I'm ashamed of myself and the things I do.. But I want to be inspiring and I want to fix this. See I'm kind of the opposite .. I think the independence of Uni .. being able to choose when and what I eat and exercise might make me worse ... I'm going to Durham, you? and anytime Its nice to be able to help someone .. people on here have helped me enough times its about time I start giving back if I can x
    I know how you feel... i think im tryin to pretend that its all goin to be fine tbh... im not too worried bout exercise, and ik ill eat most of my meals just really worried that ill start restricting portions agaoin... uni is goin to be stressful enough without family goin on at me about my health umm its stranmillis in northern ireland, if you have heard of it x
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    Broke down and had a panic attack in the library, feel awful because if I was more of a man and back in control I wouldn't need to cry, told my gf and we're going to have a 'talk'-expecting to be dumped.
    Nice guys finish last because we're an embarrassment and it's all my fault.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know how you feel... i think im tryin to pretend that its all goin to be fine tbh... im not too worried bout exercise, and ik ill eat most of my meals just really worried that ill start restricting portions agaoin... uni is goin to be stressful enough without family goin on at me about my health umm its stranmillis in northern ireland, if you have heard of it x
    It worries me a lot ... I cant wait to go, but I cant currently tell if its for the right or wrong reasons. Just wish I could get the help. Its like I've asked for it now and accepted it needs to be sorted but nothings happening because services are crap here. And no I havent heard of it but I'm sure you will have a great time x
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    I would never condemn or scrutinise anyone here. God knows I certainly am no saint. I have relapsed more times than I can count, I still have heavy compulsions, the ED is not beaten. I have healed a LOT, but I am not "Cured".

    I want you to listen to this though - you have to start taking responsibility for your actions. With AU and Riku and this recent anon - I want you to remember that the ED, the mental disabilities - they are a set of hurdles, a set of nightmares, but they CANNOT become your crutch. Your scapegoat. When things screw up, you cannot turn and point to a big "ED" badge.

    I went through that phase. It's like you've accepted you HAVE it, but you start to use it like an immunity badge. Like "oh, I know X has happened, but I have a debilitating ED, so it's fine". That phase was one of the few phases I went through in recovery where I actively learned, achieved, helped NOTHING. It was a self-indulgent, totally careless, flippant phase where I came across as obnoxious and invincible.

    This is a tough time for us all, but as soon as you pin down that the mistakes are YOUR mistakes, and not the ED's mistakes, you start to learn responsibility again; you start to accept you are a person, a real life person, and not some kind of child in an adult's body with an endless get-out clause.

    Keep at it, my friends.
    • #178
    #178

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    It worries me a lot ... I cant wait to go, but I cant currently tell if its for the right or wrong reasons. Just wish I could get the help. Its like I've asked for it now and accepted it needs to be sorted but nothings happening because services are crap here. And no I havent heard of it but I'm sure you will have a great time x
    For me its definitely for the right reasons...wanted to be a teacher all my life. I'm just sacred that the ed will take over and destroy my future. I've got help... great help... I guess im just not taking advantage of it atm
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    Ah I just feel like a failure right now.

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    Does anyone else find it really difficult after having eaten something you don't actually like? I just hate it...

    Long story short - I just ate some Belvita breakfast biscuits.. Yes, at nine o'clock at night, which makes me feel even worse. I did it in the spur of the moment, to try to make a step to recovery..but now I feel absolutely awful, because I didn't enjoy them at all.
    If I actually liked them it would be a different story, but I just feel like I've added empty, horrible calories for nothing:'(

    Arghh
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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    Ah I just feel like a failure right now.

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    Does anyone else find it really difficult after having eaten something you don't actually like? I just hate it...

    Long story short - I just ate some Belvita breakfast biscuits.. Yes, at nine o'clock at night, which makes me feel even worse. I did it in the spur of the moment, to try to make a step to recovery..but now I feel absolutely awful, because I didn't enjoy them at all.
    If I actually liked them it would be a different story, but I just feel like I've added empty, horrible calories for nothing:'(

    Arghh
    You feel bad because what you did was totally counter-intuitive and more harmful than good.

    You shouldn't just be cramming extra calories just because you feel like it's what's expected of you. You should be learning to see food as both fuel AND enjoyment. If I said to recover from post-natal depression you should watch Three Men and a Baby whilst holding your own baby, eat Jelly Babies whilst reading "New Mother" magazine? No, it'd just drive you back the other way, wouldn't it?

    Little, but significant. Learn that. A little bit, that means a lot. Do you love Crunchies? Well, have a Crunchie. Go for it. It's 185 calories, count them if you must, but have what you want. Don't say "I need 200 more calories so I might as well eat 1.3kg of mushrooms now" because that would be a hideous feat, a chore, a nightmare. But to say you could have... four Jaffa Cakes? That sounds pretty damned nice, right?

    Don't get into detrimental habits just because it's *expected* of you.

    Little, but significant changes.
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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    Ah I just feel like a failure right now.

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    Does anyone else find it really difficult after having eaten something you don't actually like? I just hate it...

    Long story short - I just ate some Belvita breakfast biscuits.. Yes, at nine o'clock at night, which makes me feel even worse. I did it in the spur of the moment, to try to make a step to recovery..but now I feel absolutely awful, because I didn't enjoy them at all.
    If I actually liked them it would be a different story, but I just feel like I've added empty, horrible calories for nothing:'(

    Arghh
    *hugs*

    Firstly, eating some Belvita biscuits is nothing to be upset about. Honestly, I often casually munch on chocolate or all sorts of other things at night. Be that because I feel I need to eat more or just because I want to. I don't make a big thing about it so it doesn't become a 'big thing'. Don't beat yourself up about nothing.

    The good thing about it being past 9pm now? It's only a few more hours until tomorrow. And tomorrow you have a clean slate.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    For me its definitely for the right reasons...wanted to be a teacher all my life. I'm just sacred that the ed will take over and destroy my future. I've got help... great help... I guess im just not taking advantage of it atm
    The real me just wants to be an amazing teacher but there is a part of me that sees Uni as self catering = no food and constant access to a gym next door to me. This is why I'm so impatient to get the help. I know the way I'm thinking is completely wrong and I know I'm hurting myself every day and possibility doing irreversible damage, so why the hell can't I stop. It feels like I take 1 step forward and about 20 back. I've accepted I need help but nothing's changed because services here are so bad. I doubt I'll get seen before Uni now .. And I think that once I go there ill get so consumed by Uni and the freedom, I'll forget recovery and get worse again.. It's so so frustrating. I need help!


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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    The real me just wants to be an amazing teacher but there is a part of me that sees Uni as self catering = no food and constant access to a gym next door to me. This is why I'm so impatient to get the help. I know the way I'm thinking is completely wrong and I know I'm hurting myself every day and possibility doing irreversible damage, so why the hell can't I stop. It feels like I take 1 step forward and about 20 back. I've accepted I need help but nothing's changed because services here are so bad. I doubt I'll get seen before Uni now .. And I think that once I go there ill get so consumed by Uni and the freedom, I'll forget recovery and get worse again.. It's so so frustrating. I need help!


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    I've said it numerous times, I've always been available to private message on the thread, and can make my personal contact details available for those moments when it overwhelms you.

    This is extended to all of you. I hope by now you realise my intention in this is to get everyone better, so I lay myself bare in the hope you take my offer up!

    I am not a mollycoddler though. I've seen the edge of death, I've seen myself balloon in weight, I've seen it all. Rake-thin, average, overweight, underweight again. It's all arbitrary to the cause. What I do know, however, is that you're all experiencing a great deal of frustration over the KNOWLEDGE you're ill, but inability to act upon the debility. I know it's tough, guys, but no more defeatist attitudes. If you WANT your broken mind-cog to win, then fair enough, let it - but if you want to best it and be better, then I want no more "Screw it!" or "FML" posts. The support is here, I'm offering it - and I am happy to help.

    Knowing the problem but being powerless to help it is ten, nay, HUNDREDS worse than being ignorant to it all. Don't punch a wall. Seriously. I'm here for you!
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    Toto, I'm sure you've heard it before but I just wanted to say that I am honestly so touched and humbled by the devotion with which you run this thread. You've helped me massively in the past and I still have a LONG way to go, but I've seen how determined you are and how far you've come, and it all seems a whole lot more possible. Seeing the care with which you address the problems of other people every single day, when you obviously still have your own struggles, is really inspiring. So just wanted to say THANK YOU xx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You feel bad because what you did was totally counter-intuitive and more harmful than good.

    You shouldn't just be cramming extra calories just because you feel like it's what's expected of you. You should be learning to see food as both fuel AND enjoyment. If I said to recover from post-natal depression you should watch Three Men and a Baby whilst holding your own baby, eat Jelly Babies whilst reading "New Mother" magazine? No, it'd just drive you back the other way, wouldn't it?

    Little, but significant. Learn that. A little bit, that means a lot. Do you love Crunchies? Well, have a Crunchie. Go for it. It's 185 calories, count them if you must, but have what you want. Don't say "I need 200 more calories so I might as well eat 1.3kg of mushrooms now" because that would be a hideous feat, a chore, a nightmare. But to say you could have... four Jaffa Cakes? That sounds pretty damned nice, right?

    Don't get into detrimental habits just because it's *expected* of you.

    Little, but significant changes.
    That definitely makes sense. But how do I know what I actually like? Now it seems that I can't recognise tasty food anymore. So I end up really wanting to try something (like the Belvita)...then find out that I don't actually like it.
    It seems my tastebuds are messed up, and I can't remember what food I used to like.
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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    That definitely makes sense. But how do I know what I actually like? Now it seems that I can't recognise tasty food anymore. So I end up really wanting to try something (like the Belvita)...then find out that I don't actually like it.
    It seems my tastebuds are messed up, and I can't remember what food I used to like.
    Have you had any blood tests recently? Some anomolies (mainly zinc I think, though could be wrong) can actually affect your ability to taste food - I suffered from it for a short while a few months ago and it's SO frustrating finally allowing yourself to eat and then not even enjoying it.

    Otherwise, it's probably a mental block. If you can, ask your friends and family if they can remember things you used to like before you got ill, or think back to birthdays/Christmas etc when you were younger and what kind of meals you'd eat on those occasions - pretty likely you'd get your favourite foods on your birthday right? Think about what your favourite cereal was as a child, or what bar of chocolate you'd always choose from a vending machine. Even if it means going back ten years or more, it's a good place to start. It's going to be trial and error to some extent, but you'll soon start to work out what your tastes are again. And like Toto and Melissa said above - at the end of the day, food is just food. Yeah, you want to enjoy it, but it's a very disordered trap we fall into to feel like all your calories have got to be 'worth it' in terms of enjoyment - the primary purpose of food is to nourish us, and everything else is still important, but definitely comes second to that.
    • #81
    #81

    Anyone kind of wish that their eating disorder had some obvious symptoms (speaking mainly for bulimics/ EDNOS sufferers - besides the weight gain).

    People keep asking me what I'm going to do after I graduate and whenever I keep replying with "yeah, I'm going to take a few months to sort some personal issues before carrying on with further educations", they always retort (maybe bit strong) with "what problems?".

    I just want to scream it out. It's ridiculous, the social stigma that's attached with eating disorders :cry:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyone kind of wish that their eating disorder had some obvious symptoms (speaking mainly for bulimics/ EDNOS sufferers - besides the weight gain).

    People keep asking me what I'm going to do after I graduate and whenever I keep replying with "yeah, I'm going to take a few months to sort some personal issues before carrying on with further educations", they always retort (maybe bit strong) with "what problems?".

    I just want to scream it out. It's ridiculous, the social stigma that's attached with eating disorders :cry:
    Initially, yes. Initially I wanted an outlet for it all, to be able to scream it from the rafters that "I have something and it's called X!" But after a while I started to realise, by giving a tag or name to it, it becomes trivialised. Pigeon-holed. You know what I mean? You instantly just "have something" and it's as simple, as cut-and-dry as that. But mental disorders are not cut-and-dry, and no two disorders are the same.

    Sure, there are common symptoms and reasons, such as an obsessive analysis, unnerving phobia, and intolerable, frustrating scrutiny of food. But everything else, from the origins of the problem, to the tackling, to the temperament of the individual - it's all very varied. It's not quantifiable.

    So what you're suggesting would be really damaging in the long run - just slamming a little plaster on because you've got a booboo. If John has "X Disorder" and Zoe has "X Disorder", and the doctor treated them with the exact same trivial therapy, I'd put money on it, 99% of the problem in either case would be missed. What you're asking for is a damaging thing; to be able to put a label on something is just to trivialise the disorder. X
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    ^ Me

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