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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    I've noticed a negative vibe coming out this week, so for once I'll try and be the positive one :P and I am!
    Had a lovely day out with my gf seeing Star Trek (GO SEE IT. I love Scottie :') ) and casually got her to enjoy her first Ben and Jerry's at the same time!
    I want the best for her, so I will try for her sake as well as mine.
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    I think what's emanating from the thread is a frustration of helplessness. I've had a good few private mails over the past few days expressing this helplessness, this struggle, to find normality.

    What is "normality"? Awareness? Ignorance of it? Neither. It's nothing. It's not a thing. "Normality" isn't an average, it isn't a standard, a medium, middle, an absolute. We assume people without our disorders don't think the way we do - sometimes they will. Perhaps they will obsess about clothes in the same way. Maybe it's a TV character.

    Being helpless is a human emotion, and sadly, it comes as part of the package of being aware of our own intelligence. If we were deer, or stoats, or even algae, we would live rather contentedly without any debility other than what we were living and doing at that particular moment.

    But here we are, human beings. Media! Technology! People, fashion, celebrities, calories, advertising, work, money, BLAH BLAH. It's overwhelming, and this is our overspill. Our heads are crammed so full we need a release, and for us, it manifested in a way where we tried to place some meaning, some control, some sense, into a situation that... well, it has none!

    We are alive. Some day we will die. If we were animals, this would just happen. But we are an animal with a dangerous asset - self-awareness and pompous intelligence. And because of this, everything we do must be punctuated, meaningful, warranted, and moral. In the real world, in life, these are all fabrications of the human mind.

    Fabrications - like our own mental disorders.
    • #179
    #179

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know how you feel... i think im tryin to pretend that its all goin to be fine tbh... im not too worried bout exercise, and ik ill eat most of my meals just really worried that ill start restricting portions agaoin... uni is goin to be stressful enough without family goin on at me about my health umm its stranmillis in northern ireland, if you have heard of it x
    Are you staying in stran halls? please say no because the catered halls food is bad. Teaching practice will play havoc with your ED due to stress and workload BUT don't let it - you need energy for all your planning/resource making. You can do this girlie! The services at stran are pretty decent if you need help.
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    Eugh I woke up this morning and I am the heaviest I have been all year! All flipping year.
    I've gained just under a stone in just over a month and a half from all the stupid stressing and binging and all that crap.

    Part of me wants to get on track, but I'm not sticking to the exercising that I want to do (because of stress and exams and late nights) and just feel all "what's the point" and want to go and stuff my face/not eat because it's just easier.
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    Spoiler:
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    I binged, and then I self-harmed. I'm so sick of this stupid cycle
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    Massively massively struggling right now


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    Does anyone else have serious issues with the concept of "restriction"? It implies a certain responsibility and agency in disordered decisions that people with EDs simply don't have.

    I remember the first time I heard the word, “restriction”. I was 14, sitting in my GP’s surgery, being quizzed on my apparent malnutrition – or, rather, listening to my mother being quizzed on it. The GP had established that I refused to eat any but a small quantity of a small variety of foods – spinach, yoghurt, bread – and had so done since early childhood. I’d be horrified by the very concept of consuming anything else.

    One word kept recurring. “Does she restrict her intake of food?” Restricting. Again and again, the GP referred to restricting. I was confused. Restricting? To me, the word suggested dieting – making a conscious effort to cut back on food or to eliminate certain foods. To me, the conscious effort came in eating-properly. Not-eating-properly wasn’t something that required thought or effort. It was the default position.


    At 15, being diagnosed with anorexia nervosa for the first time, the word was back. A weigh-in at 4st 10lb, a battery of questionnaires, and a short meeting with a shaky, frizzy shrink, and I had a new name: “anorexic, restrictive type”. The question was put to me by every psychiatrist, doctor, hospital admissions officer that I met: “do you restrict?”. “For how long have you restricted?” “How many calories did you restrict to?” On my first day at the ED unit, I interrupted. “I don’t restrict.” Silence. “Restriction – that implies that I tried not to eat. I tried to eat, I really did, but I couldn’t. For me, ‘restriction’ would be restricting starvation.”


    People see anorexics and see willpower, strength, commitment. I have none of those things, and most likely never will. If I did, I would have eaten.


    It doesn’t take me willpower, strength, or commitment not to eat. As a child, I would often simply forget to eat, and have to be led to the table, hours late, by frustrated materfamilias as my brother washed the dishes. I count calories, not to cut them down, but to ensure that I consume enough. When I eat, I “restrict” my starvation. When I eat, I’m going against visceral, primal, instinctive cues against the quotidian horror of consumption. I’m not dragging the rock of Tartarus to the top of the hill; I’m pushing it.
    • #178
    #178

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Are you staying in stran halls? please say no because the catered halls food is bad. Teaching practice will play havoc with your ED due to stress and workload BUT don't let it - you need energy for all your planning/resource making. You can do this girlie! The services at stran are pretty decent if you need help.
    yeah I am.. but going to choose the non-catered option... ik im worried about that too, the stress anall don't kno if ill be able to cope.. and ive worked so hard to get in and scared that ill destroy my whole future do you think catered will be okay:confused:
    • #180
    #180

    Bleurgh. Bad review meeting today with my psychologist and CPN. They want to reduce my appointment frequency from 3 a fortnight to once a week, put me back on meds and refer me to the mindfulness group.

    The meds they want to put me on are ones that I've said I'll never touch again (HORRIBLE withdrawl; made me manic, severe dizziness etc, but didn't actually improve my mood in the 3 months that I was on them) and they can't get me a psychiatrist appointment for a few weeks yet. To be honest I don't know how to survive the next couple of weeks, with worsening depression on top of exam stress. Bad habits are returning with a vengance.
    Spoiler:
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    Well, vodka at 11am is not right by anyone's standards, but I've avoided alcohol completely for about a year now because I used to drink for the wrong reasons


    Oh I don't know. I just feel like after 4 years with an ED, and 7 years (?) with depression that everything is utterly hopeless.

    What do you do when you feel at rock bottom, but cannot give yourself the permission to take steps to feel 'better' so just block out the thoughts with ED behaviours/alcohol?
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    ojfpidfhif I want to hit the gym again. Getting kidna depressing not being allowed to go. At all. Especially when the doc allowed me 2 years ago
    It's been a whole week. Feel nervous
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    Got my referral to the CMHT and I have the assessment thing on Thursday .. Really scared but maybe now i can start fixing this?


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    • #139
    #139

    Actually sat here crying having been put in cerazette because putting weight on is such a big side effect
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Actually sat here crying having been put in cerazette because putting weight on is such a big side effect
    I'm on Cerazette and didn't put any weight on. It may be a side-effect but it doesn't apply to everyone!
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I'm on Cerazette and didn't put any weight on. It may be a side-effect but it doesn't apply to everyone!
    What's Cerazette? Is it an anti-depressant? A lot of people on here talk about meds, however, I've never been on any. Should I be?
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    What's Cerazette? Is it an anti-depressant? A lot of people on here talk about meds, however, I've never been on any. Should I be?
    I'm pretty sure it's a contraceptive pill. It's not an antidepressant, anyway.


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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    What's Cerazette? Is it an anti-depressant? A lot of people on here talk about meds, however, I've never been on any. Should I be?
    Yep, it's just the pill. I must say, it really works well for me it's the pill that you don't take a break for.
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    Oooooh, gotcha! I'm not at the stage where I need to be on the pill yet but fingers crossed it'll be soon.
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    I've been out of the game for a while, and though my weight continues to fluctuate at the top end of 18.6-18.8 on the BMI scale these days, I keep getting wider and plumper. And now I know why.

    My bones are utterly decimated. Though I have rather... unique circumstances, I am going to share with you my recent revelation because I want it to hammer home to you guys how much this can destroy you in such a short time.

    My bones... are done. If 0 is a neutral full dexa-rating (bone density), and -1 to -2 being osteoporosis to severe osteoporosis, in one and a half years of fully restricting and letting the ED overwhelm me, at my lowest weight my bones reached -3.6.

    This week just past, I found out my bones are now -4.6. And I'm weight restored. They said my bones in femur and lumbar are the same as an 80 year old man - and I will never run again.

    As I said my circumstances were complicated. When I was younger, I didn't hit puberty, and so was put on Genotropin; a somatotrophin injection I self-administered from 12 to 19 years. It stretched my bones out quickly and I grew/onset puberty. No side effects were shown. But what's apparent now is that I do not naturally have the ability to regrow the density in the bone; so me being so flippant and ruining my body, not realising it was one of the few things I couldn't heal, now, I am going to be unable to do any exercise whatsoever, with a standard 81% increased fracture risk in all activity.

    They said of course my circumstances played a part, but they said even if I didn't have my condition I would probably be another ten years healing the damage done.

    Think about that. Five times the recovery for the bones as it takes to ruin them. If only I could turn back time, I'd totally be less ignorant and selfish, and let myself have a bit of a belly. A bit of a belly and the ability to go swimming, running, hiking.... I would take that any day. Sadly it seems I might never get that choice.

    Anyway, just... not trying to be morbid or morose, but I want to put it out there - you still HAVE the choice. X
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've been out of the game for a while, and though my weight continues to fluctuate at the top end of 18.6-18.8 on the BMI scale these days, I keep getting wider and plumper. And now I know why.

    My bones are utterly decimated. Though I have rather... unique circumstances, I am going to share with you my recent revelation because I want it to hammer home to you guys how much this can destroy you in such a short time.

    My bones... are done. If 0 is a neutral full dexa-rating (bone density), and -1 to -2 being osteoporosis to severe osteoporosis, in one and a half years of fully restricting and letting the ED overwhelm me, at my lowest weight my bones reached -3.6.

    This week just past, I found out my bones are now -4.6. And I'm weight restored. They said my bones in femur and lumbar are the same as an 80 year old man - and I will never run again.

    As I said my circumstances were complicated. When I was younger, I didn't hit puberty, and so was put on Genotropin; a somatotrophin injection I self-administered from 12 to 19 years. It stretched my bones out quickly and I grew/onset puberty. No side effects were shown. But what's apparent now is that I do not naturally have the ability to regrow the density in the bone; so me being so flippant and ruining my body, not realising it was one of the few things I couldn't heal, now, I am going to be unable to do any exercise whatsoever, with a standard 81% increased fracture risk in all activity.

    They said of course my circumstances played a part, but they said even if I didn't have my condition I would probably be another ten years healing the damage done.

    Think about that. Five times the recovery for the bones as it takes to ruin them. If only I could turn back time, I'd totally be less ignorant and selfish, and let myself have a bit of a belly. A bit of a belly and the ability to go swimming, running, hiking.... I would take that any day. Sadly it seems I might never get that choice.

    Anyway, just... not trying to be morbid or morose, but I want to put it out there - you still HAVE the choice. X


    I was just about to say I'd made the decision I will let myself work out, now with the support of my OH, but will monitor the nature of it. Basically I just want to live as happy and normal a life as possible, and that includes trips to the gym, but it also includes having a slice of birthday cake, a day where I sit and get ratty driving down the M6 for five hours on the way to a day out, or having a day where I do nothing but sit in and watch a back-to-back Star Wars marathon and stuff myself silly maybe. It's life, where no one thing should take over everything else and you appreciate everything you get for the miracle it is. Or if one, something or someone you would give everything for. In hindsight, I probably wouldn't do that for the gym. Not for fifty years.
    I'm sorry you might never get the chance to experience exercise again. Losing your body can be like losing your best friend. I can't imagine how you must feel right now : / But just as there's more to life than food, our weight, numbers, how we look-there is always more to life than exercise. You show us just how much potential there is in the mind alone, let alone our world. I'm inspired by loads of your words of wisdom here and dude, your artwork is ridiculously AWESOME. I've noticed you're building a real fan-base on the gaming thread too :P
    And as you say, if we can convince ourselves to start self-destructing simply from what we let ourselves habitually think, flip that upside-down and imagine all the potential we've got for great things, just waiting to be tapped into.

    I'm not great with comforting words...

    :hugs: All the best Toto. You deserve better than this mate.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've been out of the game for a while, and though my weight continues to fluctuate at the top end of 18.6-18.8 on the BMI scale these days, I keep getting wider and plumper. And now I know why.

    My bones are utterly decimated. Though I have rather... unique circumstances, I am going to share with you my recent revelation because I want it to hammer home to you guys how much this can destroy you in such a short time.

    My bones... are done. If 0 is a neutral full dexa-rating (bone density), and -1 to -2 being osteoporosis to severe osteoporosis, in one and a half years of fully restricting and letting the ED overwhelm me, at my lowest weight my bones reached -3.6.

    This week just past, I found out my bones are now -4.6. And I'm weight restored. They said my bones in femur and lumbar are the same as an 80 year old man - and I will never run again.

    As I said my circumstances were complicated. When I was younger, I didn't hit puberty, and so was put on Genotropin; a somatotrophin injection I self-administered from 12 to 19 years. It stretched my bones out quickly and I grew/onset puberty. No side effects were shown. But what's apparent now is that I do not naturally have the ability to regrow the density in the bone; so me being so flippant and ruining my body, not realising it was one of the few things I couldn't heal, now, I am going to be unable to do any exercise whatsoever, with a standard 81% increased fracture risk in all activity.

    They said of course my circumstances played a part, but they said even if I didn't have my condition I would probably be another ten years healing the damage done.

    Think about that. Five times the recovery for the bones as it takes to ruin them. If only I could turn back time, I'd totally be less ignorant and selfish, and let myself have a bit of a belly. A bit of a belly and the ability to go swimming, running, hiking.... I would take that any day. Sadly it seems I might never get that choice.

    Anyway, just... not trying to be morbid or morose, but I want to put it out there - you still HAVE the choice. X
    Big hug for Toto. This is why I've been nagging my GP and treatment team to chase up my still-absent appointment for a DEXA scan recently. I was referred last Summer after smashing my wrist into bits and still, no appointment. I think it would be a big help with accepting weight gain if I knew there was a physical necessity for it.

    Thinking of you xx
 
 
 
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