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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #180
    #180

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've been out of the game for a while, and though my weight continues to fluctuate at the top end of 18.6-18.8 on the BMI scale these days, I keep getting wider and plumper. And now I know why.

    My bones are utterly decimated. Though I have rather... unique circumstances, I am going to share with you my recent revelation because I want it to hammer home to you guys how much this can destroy you in such a short time.

    My bones... are done. If 0 is a neutral full dexa-rating (bone density), and -1 to -2 being osteoporosis to severe osteoporosis, in one and a half years of fully restricting and letting the ED overwhelm me, at my lowest weight my bones reached -3.6.

    This week just past, I found out my bones are now -4.6. And I'm weight restored. They said my bones in femur and lumbar are the same as an 80 year old man - and I will never run again.

    As I said my circumstances were complicated. When I was younger, I didn't hit puberty, and so was put on Genotropin; a somatotrophin injection I self-administered from 12 to 19 years. It stretched my bones out quickly and I grew/onset puberty. No side effects were shown. But what's apparent now is that I do not naturally have the ability to regrow the density in the bone; so me being so flippant and ruining my body, not realising it was one of the few things I couldn't heal, now, I am going to be unable to do any exercise whatsoever, with a standard 81% increased fracture risk in all activity.

    They said of course my circumstances played a part, but they said even if I didn't have my condition I would probably be another ten years healing the damage done.

    Think about that. Five times the recovery for the bones as it takes to ruin them. If only I could turn back time, I'd totally be less ignorant and selfish, and let myself have a bit of a belly. A bit of a belly and the ability to go swimming, running, hiking.... I would take that any day. Sadly it seems I might never get that choice.

    Anyway, just... not trying to be morbid or morose, but I want to put it out there - you still HAVE the choice. X
    Thinking of you and sending some love your way Toto, that can't be easy news to hear.

    Thankfully my bone density has remained mostly unaffected (it's the goddamn potassium which I struggle with!), with the density being only slightly lower than one would expect for someone of my age, but I know one girl who has been told, at the age of 16, that she will most likely be in a wheelchair by 30 if her bones get any worse.

    Thank you for sharing your experience; I wish you didn't have to go through this, however hopefully it will give some people a kick up the arse :hugs:
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    I never intend to cause upset to people or further trauma, but only by stating the reality of the situation are we able to fully confront and tackle our issues.

    I am personally no more or less strong as you all are; we are all capable of defeating our ails, I just believe we all have varying degrees of awareness of our strength.

    Some of us are fully willing to attack head-on, whilst some of us haven't reached that point yet. But we are all equally strong mentally; our disorders are a testament to it. Many people call it an outright "disorder", but what we are enduring is actually the search for a means to structure the chaos that EVERYONE experiences; most people are just oblivious to the things on their periphery, whilst we can't filter it out.

    We are all equally strong. And together, we are stronger still. All my love to you.
    • #81
    #81

    Anyone on this thread graduate whilst suffering from an ED? Did you take time out to "recover" or did you move on with life and sort of tackle it as well? Kinda worried that if I relocate, I'm not going to get a chance to access mental health support (going through talk therapy at the moment, maybe moving onto CBT) or retard any progress I'm making [however minute it may be].

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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    I did a Masters Degree whilst battling my ED. Interestingly I managed to stifle the incorrect behaviour whilst busy. it was ultimately graduation and getting my dream job that unleashed the disarray!
    • #181
    #181

    I start university in September. If I get my first choice I'll be at Bristol is there support there for people with Bulimia. Also my parents are trying to force me into catered accommodation which I really don't want
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    Feeling sad so I am gonna try talking instead of using ED behaviours. Just wish I had a support system I guess, or even one person I could talk to about this stuff.

    I'm spoilering because I talk about clothes sizes and calories

    Spoiler:
    Show


    So I have been trying to loose weight recently. As i've mentioned before I feel so trapped, because my self esteem is so low right now and I feel like people will be so shocked at how much weight i've gained when I go back (left at BMI under 17, now 22), as well as the fact that I have a holiday in August.
    I've been trying to do it the right way, but obviously i'm fretting about everything. I don't want to binge and I don't want to get too scared to eat. The problem is that the day after I have an OK day of about 1200 calories, I get so hungry and end up loosing control - not binging, but eating maintenance for the day. I haven't lost any weight.

    My beautiful swimming cossie, that I only got to wear once, now doesn't even go over my hips. I was pretty shocked and I basically feel like I look like a totally different person.



    I don't actually have a resolution or reason to be posting this so i'll probably be tutted =/
    • #180
    #180

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Feeling sad so I am gonna try talking instead of using ED behaviours. Just wish I had a support system I guess, or even one person I could talk to about this stuff.

    I'm spoilering because I talk about clothes sizes and calories

    Spoiler:
    Show


    So I have been trying to loose weight recently. As i've mentioned before I feel so trapped, because my self esteem is so low right now and I feel like people will be so shocked at how much weight i've gained when I go back (left at BMI under 17, now 22), as well as the fact that I have a holiday in August.
    I've been trying to do it the right way, but obviously i'm fretting about everything. I don't want to binge and I don't want to get too scared to eat. The problem is that the day after I have an OK day of about 1200 calories, I get so hungry and end up loosing control - not binging, but eating maintenance for the day. I haven't lost any weight.

    My beautiful swimming cossie, that I only got to wear once, now doesn't even go over my hips. I was pretty shocked and I basically feel like I look like a totally different person.



    I don't actually have a resolution or reason to be posting this so i'll probably be tutted =/
    I know it's hard, but do you really need to lose weight? You current BMI is perfectly healthy, but it probably feels larger than it is due to ED related body dysmorphia and the fact that you have changed from a less-than-ideal weight.

    You are the same person regardless of your weight. Heck, I believe that in the context of EDs, the more you lose the more of you you lose, if you know what I mean.

    1200 isn't enough to live on really- no wonder you're feeling hungry! The body isn't designed to function at it's best on so few calories.

    :hugs: Just hang in there lovely, and well done for talking/typing instead of resorting to behaviours
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    ^^ Damn, looks like I'm having this problem with anon posting now too!


    Actually, while I'm making another post, was just wondering how people cope with worrying about others with EDs?
    Spoiler:
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    There's this girl I met in hospital a couple of years back, and we've been in Facebook contact since then. She is so lovely, but is very severely anorexic (i.e. very low weight, 10+ hospitalisations, heart failure... the lot). Recently she's started vlogging about her experiences, and whilst she is really advocating ED awareness, she is obviously struggling a lot at the moment.


    I guess I'm getting a taste of my own medication somewhat as I know those around me do get worried about me, but it's just so hard to see...
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    So had my assessment today with the CMHT. I found it so hard to talk about but knew I had to tell the truth if I'm going to get the help I need!
    Anyway he said I definitely had an eating disorder which I kind of knew but didn't want to accept... And he has referred me to a specialist eating disorders clinic! I feel emotionally exhausted but i am really proud of myself! I really hope I can start fixing this now..
    Oh and just a question he said I'll have to have physical tests at the doctors to find out what internal damage I've done.. Does anyone know what these are likely to be/involve?
    Thank you all for your support on this thread.. I don't think I would have realised I needed help without it x


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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    So had my assessment today with the CMHT. I found it so hard to talk about but knew I had to tell the truth if I'm going to get the help I need!
    Anyway he said I definitely had an eating disorder which I kind of knew but didn't want to accept... And he has referred me to a specialist eating disorders clinic! I feel emotionally exhausted but i am really proud of myself! I really hope I can start fixing this now..
    Oh and just a question he said I'll have to have physical tests at the doctors to find out what internal damage I've done.. Does anyone know what these are likely to be/involve?
    Thank you all for your support on this thread.. I don't think I would have realised I needed help without it x


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    This is an exceptional move. Kudos and well done a trillion!

    They will check everything from LFTs and KFTS (Liver and Kidney function tests, respectively), DEXA (bone density), Hormonal testing (checking everything from seratonin to cortisol) -

    Basically they want to check how much you've eroded your vital organs first and foremost. Then your bones, then your chemical balance. Lots of scans and blood-takings. They take varied amounts of time to get back to you though.

    ED can cause everything from heart failure to jaundice, from incontinence to kidney stones, from bone wastage to extreme parasthesia (pins and needles). You won't know the extent of how many things are awry (or otherwise) until the entire gamut is run.

    However don't fret; you've done the right thing. And the fact you've tackled it NOW, you may well be an extremely lucky candidate in your physical recovery.

    I want to extend a high five, a low five, and ... might I be so bold, a DOUBLE UP HIGH!!
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    So had my assessment today with the CMHT. I found it so hard to talk about but knew I had to tell the truth if I'm going to get the help I need!
    Anyway he said I definitely had an eating disorder which I kind of knew but didn't want to accept... And he has referred me to a specialist eating disorders clinic! I feel emotionally exhausted but i am really proud of myself! I really hope I can start fixing this now..
    Oh and just a question he said I'll have to have physical tests at the doctors to find out what internal damage I've done.. Does anyone know what these are likely to be/involve?
    Thank you all for your support on this thread.. I don't think I would have realised I needed help without it x


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Proud of you

    In terms of physical health checks, you may have:
    -blood tests to check electrolytes, urea, liver function, kidney function, full blood count, iron (anaemia)... things like that. Don't worry, shouldn't be more than about 3 of those little vial things
    - blood pressure
    - weight/height
    - muscle wasting; basically, you do some simple exercises like squats, standing up from crouching without using your hands
    - the doctor may feel your abdomen to see if there's anything abnormal going on, any tenderness, swelling or whatnot
    - ECG
    - maybe a referral for a DEXA (bone density) scan, but most GP surgeries don't have the facilities for this, so you would be referred to a hospital

    That's the various tests I've had done off the top of my head, but it will vary and you might not have all of that done. Good luck
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    This is an exceptional move. Kudos and well done a trillion!

    They will check everything from LFTs and KFTS (Liver and Kidney function tests, respectively), DEXA (bone density), Hormonal testing (checking everything from seratonin to cortisol) -

    Basically they want to check how much you've eroded your vital organs first and foremost. Then your bones, then your chemical balance. Lots of scans and blood-takings. They take varied amounts of time to get back to you though.

    ED can cause everything from heart failure to jaundice, from incontinence to kidney stones, from bone wastage to extreme parasthesia (pins and needles). You won't know the extent of how many things are awry (or otherwise) until the entire gamut is run.

    However don't fret; you've done the right thing. And the fact you've tackled it NOW, you may well be an extremely lucky candidate in your physical recovery.

    I want to extend a high five, a low five, and ... might I be so bold, a DOUBLE UP HIGH!!
    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Proud of you

    In terms of physical health checks, you may have:
    -blood tests to check electrolytes, urea, liver function, kidney function, full blood count, iron (anaemia)... things like that. Don't worry, shouldn't be more than about 3 of those little vial things
    - blood pressure
    - weight/height
    - muscle wasting; basically, you do some simple exercises like squats, standing up from crouching without using your hands
    - the doctor may feel your abdomen to see if there's anything abnormal going on, any tenderness, swelling or whatnot
    - ECG
    - maybe a referral for a DEXA (bone density) scan, but most GP surgeries don't have the facilities for this, so you would be referred to a hospital

    That's the various tests I've had done off the top of my head, but it will vary and you might not have all of that done. Good luck
    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Proud of you

    In terms of physical health checks, you may have:
    -blood tests to check electrolytes, urea, liver function, kidney function, full blood count, iron (anaemia)... things like that. Don't worry, shouldn't be more than about 3 of those little vial things
    - blood pressure
    - weight/height
    - muscle wasting; basically, you do some simple exercises like squats, standing up from crouching without using your hands
    - the doctor may feel your abdomen to see if there's anything abnormal going on, any tenderness, swelling or whatnot
    - ECG
    - maybe a referral for a DEXA (bone density) scan, but most GP surgeries don't have the facilities for this, so you would be referred to a hospital

    That's the various tests I've had done off the top of my head, but it will vary and you might not have all of that done. Good luck
    Thank you both.. oh god thats a lot of tests. I'm really happy I did it, it was a huge deal for me, I guess I never really wanted to accept it. I just want to fix this now, I want to be able to live my life and enjoy myself. I know its going to take a long time but I need to fix this. I cant screw up my life anymore
    Thanks for all your support you have no idea how much it means to me <3
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Thank you both.. oh god thats a lot of tests. I'm really happy I did it, it was a huge deal for me, I guess I never really wanted to accept it. I just want to fix this now, I want to be able to live my life and enjoy myself. I know its going to take a long time but I need to fix this. I cant screw up my life anymore
    Thanks for all your support you have no idea how much it means to me <3
    Don't worry about it; it sounds like a lot, but I've never had a full physical assessment which has lasted longer than 30 mins ish. You may find the mental assessments very draining however, so make sure to treat yourself extra kindly those days, or on any days where you talk about things you may find distressing :hugs:
    It's a huge deal for anyone, but the first step to conquering this ***** Not going to lie, you have one heck of a journey in front of you, but don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it, from your friends/family, CMHT or us lot on here
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    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Don't worry about it; it sounds like a lot, but I've never had a full physical assessment which has lasted longer than 30 mins ish. You may find the mental assessments very draining however, so make sure to treat yourself extra kindly those days, or on any days where you talk about things you may find distressing :hugs:
    It's a huge deal for anyone, but the first step to conquering this ***** Not going to lie, you have one heck of a journey in front of you, but don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it, from your friends/family, CMHT or us lot on here
    Yeah I found the assessment today extremely draining. I just hope I can carry on and fix it.. Yeah hopefully they won't be too bad, just hope I haven't completely screwed up my body. And thanks


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    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Gnome :))
    ^^ Damn, looks like I'm having this problem with anon posting now too!


    Actually, while I'm making another post, was just wondering how people cope with worrying about others with EDs?
    I'm not. basically. I find when she relapses, i do. When i do, she does.
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    I think what is most important to remember during recovery is, no matter what, SEE THE POSITIVES. I cannot stress this enough. Nothing is accomplished through "Woe is me" mentality. ***ked up bones? Zero sex drive? Busted liver? Yes, it's a tragedy and a terrible, terrible thing. But is anything accomplished by moping through every pain, tragedy, relapse? Hardly!

    You have to continue to see there is hope. That when you fall, you at least have the ability to stand back up again. Anorexia and Bulemia especially have a strong effect on the virtues of self-worth, so it's important that you recognise that when you fall down, you are not dead, you are simply prone. You have been *****slapped one time. When you see a man in a fight get slapped once and fall down, crying, saying "You've killed me!" - do you think he's dead? No, you think "Christ, he took a massive skelp, but now he's being a pussy about it."

    People recognise your pain, but the more you wallow in it, the less they can sympathise with you. The more you fight it, the more people understand it's less a one-sided fight, and more a true battle.
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    x
    Yay So happy for you that you are getting the help you need and deserve :hugs:
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    oops ^
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RF_gTaC_nmU

    Hope this helps
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    oops ^
    Aww thank you. I am so glad I've done this. Now I can start fixing the mess I've made


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