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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I fear my advice is getting lost in the ether here but I'll continue to pitch in like a school teacher in a rabble.

    A GP nor specialist has any right to gouge you for information beyond your comfort, but likewise, cannot aid you beyond the information you provide. So basically, you want to stretch yourself as far as you can go, comfort-wise, in order to help yourself most.

    Your specialist, psychiatrist, psychologist; they are just a person, a singular human, just like you and I. They can only help you as far as the sympathetic notions go. If a person has never experienced what you have, they only have reference and text to go on, and you are not "textbook", are you? You're not someone that's been documented before, are you?

    Basically, we are unique in every capacity. When we feel overwhelmed, we need to be helped, but this does not mean we need a pat on the back. We need understanding, we need a person to advise. And sometimes a specialist has not experienced our exact circumstances. The more obtuse the situation, the less likely they will help you precisely. And this is why we as a forum and group are here.

    I'm trying to stress that you shouldn't get your hopes too high over this pedestal created for the NHS/private medical waiting list you're on, regardless of who you are. We are a group of people fighting through it. You wouldn't enter the ultimate fighting league trained by some guy who has read about it for five years if an entire group of hardened UFC fighters were willing to teach you, would you?!

    Any help is good help. Just please don't place certain venues on a magical pedestal, ok?
    I'm listening to your advice. That made a lot of sense to me. If anything I have been helped more from advice from you and others on this thread than by any of the professional help I've had .. Talking of professional help I have the doctors today and I'm meant to tell him about all this.. Any idea how I should say it or what I should say because I worry I won't be able to get the words out ?


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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I'm listening to your advice. That made a lot of sense to me. If anything I have been helped more from advice from you and others on this thread than by any of the professional help I've had .. Talking of professional help I have the doctors today and I'm meant to tell him about all this.. Any idea how I should say it or what I should say because I worry I won't be able to get the words out ?


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    The professionals know what they're on about, it's just you might not be able to connect onthe same level as your peers and fellow sufferers. In fact, one thing that aided me immensely is being offered the chance to meet people at different stages of recovery BY the Eating Disorder and Mental Health departments; knowing you aren't alone AND putting faces to the stories helps a huge amount. In fact, as time went on we found we were actually fighting it without realising, saying things like "I would invite you for lunch but we both know that'd be awkward with us BOTH counting the peas on our plate!" etc - the ability to joke about something like that with someone that understood, it made it more comfortable to approach the problem itself, without trivialising it.

    Think of the initial meeting as just Atlas offloading the world from his shoulders. Tell your doctor/specialist EVERYTHING you feel, even if it's tempestuous or fleeting; even if you're thinking it's irrelevant. It's all important. I said stupid stuff like "I can't eat Smarties without counting them and eating them in order of decreasing quantities of specific colour." Things like "I freeze up if people start talking to me and I was about to eat, like a deer in headlights, and I end up unable to talk at all."

    Whatever it is, just say it. This carpet-bomb approach means you might bomb him or her with a ton of info, but though some of it might be superfluous, a lot will be important.

    Finally, they deal with this sort of thing constantly. Nothing, from piles to fungal infection to hair loss (all things I have dealt with at one point during anorexia) will confuse or shock them. Just tell them. X
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    The professionals know what they're on about, it's just you might not be able to connect onthe same level as your peers and fellow sufferers. In fact, one thing that aided me immensely is being offered the chance to meet people at different stages of recovery BY the Eating Disorder and Mental Health departments; knowing you aren't alone AND putting faces to the stories helps a huge amount. In fact, as time went on we found we were actually fighting it without realising, saying things like "I would invite you for lunch but we both know that'd be awkward with us BOTH counting the peas on our plate!" etc - the ability to joke about something like that with someone that understood, it made it more comfortable to approach the problem itself, without trivialising it.

    Think of the initial meeting as just Atlas offloading the world from his shoulders. Tell your doctor/specialist EVERYTHING you feel, even if it's tempestuous or fleeting; even if you're thinking it's irrelevant. It's all important. I said stupid stuff like "I can't eat Smarties without counting them and eating them in order of decreasing quantities of specific colour." Things like "I freeze up if people start talking to me and I was about to eat, like a deer in headlights, and I end up unable to talk at all."

    Whatever it is, just say it. This carpet-bomb approach means you might bomb him or her with a ton of info, but though some of it might be superfluous, a lot will be important.

    Finally, they deal with this sort of thing constantly. Nothing, from piles to fungal infection to hair loss (all things I have dealt with at one point during anorexia) will confuse or shock them. Just tell them. X
    Thanks. I'm going to try and get everything out. Really scared they are going to want to weight me though. The thought of that makes my breathing go funny. I just can't do that.. That's probably one of the most important things though isn't it :/ x


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    #43

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Phew! I'm going to try to reply to a few of these briefly, you guys.

    Firstly, Riku, dude, the ironic thing is that males by definition are incomplete versions of the species of mammal. We are the mere catalyst for reproduction and birth; we literally only contribute the final ebb required to "unlock" the process of embryo creation. Our "Y" chromosome is quite literally just an incomplete "X" chromosome.

    Why, then, should we be so obsessed with superiority? Evolution is eradicating this, of course, but back when we were mere beings of instinct, we were just sex machines (oo! C'mawn! Etc). We were programmed to be aggressive, violent and domineering in order to fight for mates. We evolved bigger and stronger to battle one another and our prey. As intelligence grew and knowledge and understanding broadened, we became more and more accepting of the ability to be civil. We as men became smaller, relied on intelligent planning more than brute strength, and nowadays (and even in our cultural development in the past one hundred years), we've developed a deep, sensitive nature that puts us on almost equal footing physically (in terms of height and weight stature-wise) as our female peers.

    What I'm saying in a very long-winded way is we are evolving , developing, to be LESS macho. Our evolutionary arc has us getting smaller, more accepting, civil and sympathetic, more intelligent and less overpowering to our fellow man - and woman. Women are no longer our servants, housewives and caretakers but our absolute equals, in both culture and physiological stature. Know that it's merely your instinct or your "animal brain" teaching you these things.
    !
    Hmmm. You might be right, and I've never looked at women as anything else despite being surrounded by lad culture. All the same, I feel it hard to accept the idea is because I was more emotionally mature than them? Maybe? I don't feel it
    Then there's the dilemma of how you define control. Is it inherently macho or animal to control one's emotions? Or am I right to want to control them? I mean it's that element of self-control which stops me from being a caveman, right? Without some degree of self-restraint, society would fall apart.
    I find it amazing we're still following the notion of how to be 'civilised' from over a century ago. Massive means of justifying imperialism and Enlightenment thought along with most philosophy. You could say that society's not as uptight as it was, but I think there's still that pressure to stay in control. It's one of the largest indicators of success-you need control to work hard, to get a good job, to not be an ******* to other people, and everywhere I go I'm getting told by the billboards it's the thing which mark social status-money, power, attraction.
    One of the reasons people stigmatise both overweight people and those with mental illness is because they're somehow perceived as not having that, which isn't seen as an area they struggle with, it's just their fault. With the latter, there's still the idea that some are dangerous because of that.


    Recovery of any kind be it letting go of food or changing my mind is kinda hard the more I realise that control is something which is and has been especially valued in most cultures since ancient times. It makes me feel that letting go a little, relaxing a little-these are things I'm subtly told make me weaker, less successful. Where do we draw the line?

    Or maybe I'm seeing the world through they eyes of Gordon Gecko :P idk, made me think. I've always thought I was liberal-minded and yet I'm telling myself control and order is what makes or breaks me..
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    ^^^ That was me with the self-control rant :P sorry if triggering but I thought it'd be good to discuss.
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    You and I, and everyone here, is BOUND by the element of control. This is perhaps one of the few constants in an eating disorder (and numerous mental disorders, for that matter). Control, structure, and the complete elimination of disarray in your life.

    An Eating Disorder is actually a problem you personally fabricate because you believe it's a controllable problem you can "fix" at your leisure; it's usually a response to feeling helpless or unable to control some other element in your life. The problem is that ironically you then spend your entire time rigidly controlling all variables in an attempt to keep order when in reality, it's one of the hardest problems to fix, full stop - one that consumes your entire existence - and it was created in order to avoid the REAL life problems everyone else faces!

    When you lose control over your ED and mental anxieties (I for example have about five sub-disorders built around the notion of absolute control and rigid stature in my life), and attempt to recover, you get what's termed as "control overspill". It's when you have all this built-up desire for control but no outlet for it. What then happens is you start to criticise and control things OUTSIDE your usual control, and that might be being a total ***tard to people around you, snarkily making remarks about THEIR activities or consumption, trying to pry into their schedules. It's a normal subroutine that happens, and it comes across as inherent bitterness on the part of the recoverer. It's your way of saying "I need to control SOMETHING here!"

    When it starts to hurt relationships with people close to you, explain what I've outlined in the paragraph above; even just paraphrase. Let them know it's nothing personal. It's a coping mechanism and yet one more step in a very long journey.

    Relinquishing control is an incredibly difficult thing, especially to those of high intelligence - a trait that's very inordinately common in the sufferers of mental disorders and illogical mental conditions.
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    Not coping right now. Feel like I'm completely losing it :'( I want everything to stop


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    As I always say in this thread, nobody can help you with these sort of panic posts. If I were to post "Help help help! Call 999!" would I need the police, fire department or an ambulance? Well, nobody knows!

    Nobody can help you if it's just a "woe!" post, you need to give some kind of detail and reasoning for feeling as you do.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    As I always say in this thread, nobody can help you with these sort of panic posts. If I were to post "Help help help! Call 999!" would I need the police, fire department or an ambulance? Well, nobody knows!

    Nobody can help you if it's just a "woe!" post, you need to give some kind of detail and reasoning for feeling as you do.
    I know :/ I ate and it wasnt planned and I thought screw it, just eat something and I regretted it straight away and I just want to get rid of it and I cant. I dont really know how to stop myself feeling this way.
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    Well, what is the alternative? Not eating? Dying?

    Would you prefer dying? I genuinely ask people this as it is an important response to hear. Some people are so overcome by phobias they would risk losing life itself to stifle it, and those people are definitely in a group that require an assessment of the magnitude of their priorities. But to those that aren't wanting death, you are FEARFUL, but BECAUSE of harm. BECAUSE of danger. Danger. What IS danger?

    Is giving your body fuel to carry on living... danger? No, that's likening a hamburger to being stabbed.

    Stop this. You need to eat to be alive, and if you keep stifling that I'll have one less poster on this board. Everything, from studying, to family, to friends and hobbies will have been for nought. You'll have ended yourself because of doing something your body needs to do.

    Would you hold your breath until you passed out because it was "safe"?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Well, what is the alternative? Not eating? Dying?

    Would you prefer dying? I genuinely ask people this as it is an important response to hear. Some people are so overcome by phobias they would risk losing life itself to stifle it, and those people are definitely in a group that require an assessment of the magnitude of their priorities. But to those that aren't wanting death, you are FEARFUL, but BECAUSE of harm. BECAUSE of danger. Danger. What IS danger?

    Is giving your body fuel to carry on living... danger? No, that's likening a hamburger to being stabbed.

    Stop this. You need to eat to be alive, and if you keep stifling that I'll have one less poster on this board. Everything, from studying, to family, to friends and hobbies will have been for nought. You'll have ended yourself because of doing something your body needs to do.

    Would you hold your breath until you passed out because it was "safe"?
    I dont know. Sometimes dying seems like the easier option. I dont know. I know I need food to survive, but I cant control the way it makes me feel right now! And when I do eat it sometimes leads to (thing we arent allowed to talk about) so in a way it is like a hamburger is a stab .. I dont know. I realise none of this makes sense. I do want to get better I really really do. I just dont know how to persuade the whole of me that I do
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    x
    The only way to get over a fear is to keep exposing yourself to it. It's the only way ANYONE has ever gotten over a phobia. Fake it till you make it, i'm afraid it's the only option, but as toto said, it's better than dying.
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    First and foremost AU, I want to forewarn you of my stern tone; I will speak plainly, and I don't do it to shock or humiliate, I do it because it's what works.

    You're not convincing me. You are definitely in a state of hysteria; a blind, illogical panic, and if you were, as you say, interested in helping yourself you would have visited other mental avenues.

    Tonight I would like you to do something for me. I want you to pick five things you detest - not dislike, ABHOR - about yourself. Be honest. I am completely indifferent to it being five things about your toenails or your hatred of the colour green. I just want to know what the deep-seeded hatred is. Then, for each, I want you to give the most prominent reason.

    If the reason comes quickly, subconsciously, then great. If you have to think about it, then perhaps it is not a real subconscious, ingrained issue, and more a considered issue. For example, I hate how I have the McDonalds Arches haircut (that receding hairline that goes in an "M") because I can't have a cool hairstyle. Simple. But when I hate something like my inability to eat in front of certain people, I am left considering why that is. Judgement? Self-judgement? Are they judging the methods I use, or the things I am eating? Am I worried about eating too fast, or too slo.... wait. Wait. I don't even know. You see? If it's an illogical, considered problem, it has no definite root or simple outcome. It requires digging.

    This is what I want from you. Five things, and five reasons. Tell me what you come up with, and how long it takes for each.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    First and foremost AU, I want to forewarn you of my stern tone; I will speak plainly, and I don't do it to shock or humiliate, I do it because it's what works.

    You're not convincing me. You are definitely in a state of hysteria; a blind, illogical panic, and if you were, as you say, interested in helping yourself you would have visited other mental avenues.

    Tonight I would like you to do something for me. I want you to pick five things you detest - not dislike, ABHOR - about yourself. Be honest. I am completely indifferent to it being five things about your toenails or your hatred of the colour green. I just want to know what the deep-seeded hatred is. Then, for each, I want you to give the most prominent reason.

    If the reason comes quickly, subconsciously, then great. If you have to think about it, then perhaps it is not a real subconscious, ingrained issue, and more a considered issue. For example, I hate how I have the McDonalds Arches haircut (that receding hairline that goes in an "M") because I can't have a cool hairstyle. Simple. But when I hate something like my inability to eat in front of certain people, I am left considering why that is. Judgement? Self-judgement? Are they judging the methods I use, or the things I am eating? Am I worried about eating too fast, or too slo.... wait. Wait. I don't even know. You see? If it's an illogical, considered problem, it has no definite root or simple outcome. It requires digging.

    This is what I want from you. Five things, and five reasons. Tell me what you come up with, and how long it takes for each.
    My weight - I dont like the fact that is is double figures and the fact that there are people the same height smaller than me (instant)
    My bones - too big/wide. Even when I lose weight they wont get smaller and I cant change that (instant)
    My need to eat - I feel like that shouldn't be a need, it should definitely be something I can control, but it isnt and that makes me feel like I failure. (quite a while to reason this)
    I hate the fact that I always feel like a failure - I guess I feel like a failure because I failed the year and I used to be overweight. I guess it could be because my family moved away and left me with my grandparents. I feel like I did something wrong. Like I failed at keeping my family together and that had been my job since I was a child. And I never feel good enough for my dad .. he always makes comments like you should take up running etc. Makes me feel not good enough at all. I'm not particularly clever or pretty, there has to be something I'm good at (a long time)
    I hate my nose - its big. end of (instant)
    • #182
    #182

    I think I had a bit of a realisation tonight. I keep waiting and waiting for someone to tell me how to recover yet not making any attempt to change. I don't want to go through life without enjoyment or feeling fulfilled or without laughter. I used to laugh all the time, I was that girl that found almost anything funny. I've made no attempt to change and so things haven't got better bit what I've realised tonight is that I need to believe recovery is possible because at the moment I don't feel like it is. I feel like recovery isn't a real thing and I'm just going through the motions. Does anyone else have this sort of feelings? What was it in all of you that made you click and realise recovery was and is an option for you?
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    Here is my initial analysis. Though it may seem brief, It's based on what I grab straight away, and you should heed what I say because the most apparent initial follies from another person's standpoint might be something you spend an eternity on yourself.



    You are a comparative person. You constantly compare yourself to you peers, right? You are continuously looking at their frames, their minds, their grades, their motives. It is normal to be competitive, but not obsessively so. Then you go on to consider abandonment. You fear you might not be ... "good enough". Your family abandoned you and your personal analysis was that it must be because of inadequacy as a person.

    Then, you started considering what values you should gauge as a person. To "make up" for it. To be "Good enough". What that entailed was being smart or pretty enough to be a success. Vanity. Though in a lot of cases anorexia nervosa presents itself with little or no vanity-based reasoning in your case it seems it's appropriate. You need to know you are both intelligent and attractive physically to warrant your approval from people to avoid "failing them" as you believe you previously did.

    I am fixated on the notion you felt the need to talk about your nose. Rhinophobia, or the fear of large or prominent noses, is often the result of a submissive nature. That you feel subservant, or that you feel that you need to be directed. This, like my own nature, is important because we both need objectives in our lives to feel we're achieving.

    Basically I'm deducing that you feel isolated, abandoned and vulnerable. You have developed this eating disorder as a methodology to keep you "in check", to continuously punish you for being inadequate. Of course, this isn't truth - I know for a fact you're both intelligent and emotionally capable (and though I've never seen you I'm certain your view of yourself is a million times uglier than your view of yourself) - but you ARE good enough.

    People view the most mundane and superfluous, basal qualities as important sometimes. In our developing years sometimes we adopt the most insane or absolutely manic notions as normality. If I had grown up in a torture basement I might be the nicest, most gentle of men, but find the notion of goring people through the throat totally normal. I might see someone strung up and find it background noise and continue like it was nothing more than a beeping car horn in the night.

    What I mean is, you've endured a very daunting life event that haunts you even now, but the value you place upon it isn't relative to it's actual worth. You're seeing an old event and basing your life on values and traits that no longer hold any meaning. I want you to stop thinking about old times and consider only you RIGHT NOW. Think about who you are and where you want to go. What is most important?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Here is my initial analysis. Though it may seem brief, It's based on what I grab straight away, and you should heed what I say because the most apparent initial follies from another person's standpoint might be something you spend an eternity on yourself.



    You are a comparative person. You constantly compare yourself to you peers, right? You are continuously looking at their frames, their minds, their grades, their motives. It is normal to be competitive, but not obsessively so. Then you go on to consider abandonment. You fear you might not be ... "good enough". Your family abandoned you and your personal analysis was that it must be because of inadequacy as a person.

    Then, you started considering what values you should gauge as a person. To "make up" for it. To be "Good enough". What that entailed was being smart or pretty enough to be a success. Vanity. Though in a lot of cases anorexia nervosa presents itself with little or no vanity-based reasoning in your case it seems it's appropriate. You need to know you are both intelligent and attractive physically to warrant your approval from people to avoid "failing them" as you believe you previously did.

    I am fixated on the notion you felt the need to talk about your nose. Rhinophobia, or the fear of large or prominent noses, is often the result of a submissive nature. That you feel subservant, or that you feel that you need to be directed. This, like my own nature, is important because we both need objectives in our lives to feel we're achieving.

    Basically I'm deducing that you feel isolated, abandoned and vulnerable. You have developed this eating disorder as a methodology to keep you "in check", to continuously punish you for being inadequate. Of course, this isn't truth - I know for a fact you're both intelligent and emotionally capable (and though I've never seen you I'm certain your view of yourself is a million times uglier than your view of yourself) - but you ARE good enough.

    People view the most mundane and superfluous, basal qualities as important sometimes. In our developing years sometimes we adopt the most insane or absolutely manic notions as normality. If I had grown up in a torture basement I might be the nicest, most gentle of men, but find the notion of goring people through the throat totally normal. I might see someone strung up and find it background noise and continue like it was nothing more than a beeping car horn in the night.

    What I mean is, you've endured a very daunting life event that haunts you even now, but the value you place upon it isn't relative to it's actual worth. You're seeing an old event and basing your life on values and traits that no longer hold any meaning. I want you to stop thinking about old times and consider only you RIGHT NOW. Think about who you are and where you want to go. What is most important?
    I guess that makes a lot of sense. I do judge myself by what everyone else thinks of me and I always think that I could be better and I could do more. Not sure about the vanity, I hate how I look, can I still be vain or am I just being thick here? I feel like a lot of it probably does stem from my past. I just wish I had never started this. But yes the future is the most important. I have uni in october. I do want to enjoy my uni years

    Thanks once again toto, you should seriously consider a career in this. You are such an inspiration and always so positive, even though it seems like you have it incredibly hard yourself. I know I'm not just speaking for myself when I say we are incredibly grateful to have you on this thread!
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    Making a slightly difficult decision to go to Pizza Hut with my girlfriend tomorrow, to celebrate end of exams, which means skipping a workout tomorrow-and I haven't had one since (Monday? I can't quite remember). Not panicking about it as such but there were still second thoughts. My logic seems a bit warped to say the least.

    Spoiler:
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    Firstly I finished exams today I have nothing to do over summer until I find an internship or put in more hours at my weekend job, if I wanted to I could go to the gym every day and it wouldn't be that much of a problem with studies out of the way (not going to do that btw, least not right now).
    On the flipside of the coin my OH has really strict traditional parents who haven't quite adapted to the idea she's an adult now. It's a culture thing which I know she finds hard and I'm bearing with because she's worth it. That means I might be able to go out whenever I want, not so easy for her! Empathy is powerful.
    Mentally I thought exercise=endorphin rush=feel better. All well and good but the importance of being healthy is to live the best quality of life possible, surely? Imo best quality of life=gym+get good grades+party+laugh+see gf, not gym+gym+gym. That's ironically soul-crushing and pointless
    Plu you don't need a study to tell you that laughter and good company makes you feel better

    From the same POV gym is quite a mundane routine activity slowly getting rescheduled in as I feel more comfortable going. End of exams only happens twice a year!
    On the physical health aspect I thought if I didn't get some resistance training in again this week I'd start developing osteoporosis bit extreme??? That's aside from the more blatantly ED stuff like I'm going to put on weight. The problem with being sporty and especially body-building is if you take it too far you end up back in ED-land :/ there's such a fine line between inspirational dedication and worrying obsession

    I haven't even been all that dedicated through recovery but only because I made a conscious effort not to be

    on the vanity/insecurity side actually caught myself thinking 'if I don't go no-one will ever want to go out with me'. Which is irrelevant because it was my OH who asked me to go to Pizza Hut :P

    All in all it seemed going to skipping gym and going to Pizza Hut is probably worth it it's going to make me happier in the long-run. The need to workout was ultimately based off a fear of loss, but the only thing I'll be missing out on is quality time with my OH and memories!


    still not going for a whole week=disudfihsous :P



    I hope this is progress. I still want to improve fitness but not at the expense of life.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Making a slightly difficult decision to go to Pizza Hut with my girlfriend tomorrow, to celebrate end of exams, which means skipping a workout tomorrow-and I haven't had one since (Monday? I can't quite remember). Not panicking about it as such but there were still second thoughts. My logic seems a bit warped to say the least.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Firstly I finished exams today I have nothing to do over summer until I find an internship or put in more hours at my weekend job, if I wanted to I could go to the gym every day and it wouldn't be that much of a problem with studies out of the way (not going to do that btw, least not right now).
    On the flipside of the coin my OH has really strict traditional parents who haven't quite adapted to the idea she's an adult now. It's a culture thing which I know she finds hard and I'm bearing with because she's worth it. That means I might be able to go out whenever I want, not so easy for her! Empathy is powerful.
    Mentally I thought exercise=endorphin rush=feel better. All well and good but the importance of being healthy is to live the best quality of life possible, surely? Imo best quality of life=gym+get good grades+party+laugh+see gf, not gym+gym+gym. That's ironically soul-crushing and pointless
    Plu you don't need a study to tell you that laughter and good company makes you feel better

    From the same POV gym is quite a mundane routine activity slowly getting rescheduled in as I feel more comfortable going. End of exams only happens twice a year!
    On the physical health aspect I thought if I didn't get some resistance training in again this week I'd start developing osteoporosis bit extreme??? That's aside from the more blatantly ED stuff like I'm going to put on weight. The problem with being sporty and especially body-building is if you take it too far you end up back in ED-land :/ there's such a fine line between inspirational dedication and worrying obsession

    I haven't even been all that dedicated through recovery but only because I made a conscious effort not to be

    on the vanity/insecurity side actually caught myself thinking 'if I don't go no-one will ever want to go out with me'. Which is irrelevant because it was my OH who asked me to go to Pizza Hut :P

    All in all it seemed going to skipping gym and going to Pizza Hut is probably worth it it's going to make me happier in the long-run. The need to workout was ultimately based off a fear of loss, but the only thing I'll be missing out on is quality time with my OH and memories!


    still not going for a whole week=disudfihsous :P



    I hope this is progress. I still want to improve fitness but not at the expense of life.
    PRSOM!!!
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    Put on 5.5kg over exam period due to stress and general eating more. Felt ridiculously fat and had a panic attack when I found out. Now? I'm cool with it. I can spend summer getting fit and eating less and healthier stuff. I felt absolutely worthless but I know my BMI is only 20.5 because my doctor calculated it. He made me feel a lot better, as did my mum. I've realised something that was missing from my life before: MY WEIGHT DOESN'T GIVE OR TAKE AWAY MY WORTH AND VALUE AS A PERSON. My mum still loves me. My dad still loves me. My friends still love me.

    I met a beautiful girl yesterday. Like me, she had a tummy. But it didn't matter because she was still stunning. So why should it matter for me? IT DOESN'T ANY MORE. I AM SO FRICKIN HAPPY I HAVE FINALLY STOPPED PUNISHING MYSELF. When I say punishing, I mean looking in the mirror and crying, saying I'm fat and worthless. Now I look in the mirror and think 'okay, I let myself go a bit. I've got extra weight that is making me look big BUT I can go to the gym'. And that's what I'm doing.
 
 
 
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