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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    You guys are all so inspirational, simply because you've all got to the stage where you can post on this thread. First step!

    My close friend Sophy used to have an eating disorder. She has issues with her family, and is an EXTREME perfectionist, so started restricting food intake to gain some 'control' over her body (in her words). She was eleven at the time She's still on the thin side now, but we eat with her every day at lunch and if she still does have issues with food, she seems much better with it now. I'm just so proud of her, and it's inspired me to try and grapple with my own issues more (crippling social insecurity/sexuality problems that leave me in a fairly constant bad mental state) because if she managed to fight it then, I can fight mine now.

    So know that, guys - even when you feel weak, you're not only inspiring to other people with eating disorders, but people with other problems and issues as well
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    (Original post by paradoxicalme)
    You guys are all so inspirational, simply because you've all got to the stage where you can post on this thread. First step!

    My close friend Sophy used to have an eating disorder. She has issues with her family, and is an EXTREME perfectionist, so started restricting food intake to gain some 'control' over her body (in her words). She was eleven at the time She's still on the thin side now, but we eat with her every day at lunch and if she still does have issues with food, she seems much better with it now. I'm just so proud of her, and it's inspired me to try and grapple with my own issues more (crippling social insecurity/sexuality problems that leave me in a fairly constant bad mental state) because if she managed to fight it then, I can fight mine now.

    So know that, guys - even when you feel weak, you're not only inspiring to other people with eating disorders, but people with other problems and issues as well
    You sound like a fantastic friend; It's hard to stand by someone when they are so intent on hurting themselves, but you both sound like you're fighting and trying to stay stong
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    (Original post by Gnome :))
    You sound like a fantastic friend; It's hard to stand by someone when they are so intent on hurting themselves, but you both sound like you're fighting and trying to stay stong
    Thank you Me and my friends all have emotional issues - depression, anxiety, CFS, self-harming, anorexia, family problems (I feel bad actually, because there's nothing clinically wrong with me, unlike the rest of my friends) - and you'd think it would be dysfunctional, but we function as a support network. They're all beyond awesome and even when they're at their worst they're the best thing in my life
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    I've been very much looking into mental instabilities in individuals. There's something that may or may not be new information to you.

    There's a creed amongst certain sufferers of mental disorders that they must create a chaotic situation artificially to be able to "fix" something. In this they create a situation that's almost like an exam, but they are sitting it already knowing the questions AND answers within it.

    Now, that sounds futile and pointless, and it kinda is. But it's a common thing with our ilk.

    Then there are those that go one further and create what I call the "Tempest Paradox"; where they literally feel uneasy to the point of sickness when there is serenity and peace in their lives. When things go right, it makes them feel terrible, and they seek to cause any form of chaos or destruction in order to create family rifts, dramas, and problems that resonate beyond the normal "mental disorder controlled problem" situations. It might mean creating a vicious lie or accusal - it might be nothing so overt.

    If you are suffering from severe anxiety whenever things start going right, perhaps you are being dragged into this particular paradox.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've been very much looking into mental instabilities in individuals. There's something that may or may not be new information to you.

    There's a creed amongst certain sufferers of mental disorders that they must create a chaotic situation artificially to be able to "fix" something. In this they create a situation that's almost like an exam, but they are sitting it already knowing the questions AND answers within it.

    Now, that sounds futile and pointless, and it kinda is. But it's a common thing with our ilk.

    Then there are those that go one further and create what I call the "Tempest Paradox"; where they literally feel uneasy to the point of sickness when there is serenity and peace in their lives. When things go right, it makes them feel terrible, and they seek to cause any form of chaos or destruction in order to create family rifts, dramas, and problems that resonate beyond the normal "mental disorder controlled problem" situations. It might mean creating a vicious lie or accusal - it might be nothing so overt.

    If you are suffering from severe anxiety whenever things start going right, perhaps you are being dragged into this particular paradox.
    I feel like I'm normal, bar my ED. I wish I could directly pinpoint the part of my brain which leads to this disorder, not that I want a Tempest Paradox or anything like that but then at least it would make some sense to me!
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    So just filled in the booklets I have to on my eating etc for my appointment on Wednesday.. very emotionally drained and scared now too. I have to record everything I eat and drink, how it makes me feel, when I exercise, binge, purge, etc. It makes me so nervous having to record everything like that :/ I know I need to do it to get better, but it doesn't help me feel any less scared. There's still a part of my brain that's refusing to accept I even have an eating disorder.
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    Remember the path to relapse is shunning responsibility. It's the root of why you became mentally ill in the first place. Take this mantle as your first step in being a true adult and accepting the responsibility bestowed upon you.

    Life isn't always comfortable, but only a child weeps through mild discomfort. It's up to us to become more tolerant, more strong, more accepting, as adults, as human beings. Otherwise we may as well stay juveniles forever, which is at heart, where over half of all mental disorders stem from.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Remember the path to relapse is shunning responsibility. It's the root of why you became mentally ill in the first place. Take this mantle as your first step in being a true adult and accepting the responsibility bestowed upon you.

    Life isn't always comfortable, but only a child weeps through mild discomfort. It's up to us to become more tolerant, more strong, more accepting, as adults, as human beings. Otherwise we may as well stay juveniles forever, which is at heart, where over half of all mental disorders stem from.
    Hmmm. Yeah this is true. I guess if its going to make my life much better it will all be worth it in the end. I guess I'm frustrated with myself, It seemed to come from nowhere although I know in reality this isn't likely, and as a result I feel like I should be able to rid myself of it, just as quickly. I do understand however that the reality is I will never be fully rid of it and I will just have to learn to control it and live with it. Thanks once again for your advice
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    I never aim to give someone sugar-coating. This is life, and it's not Disneyland.

    The truth is, many people never "heal" from mental disorders. The only upside to them is that you heal as much of them as you are willing to battle. Someone fighting cancer, or a broken leg, say, is hindered by the process of physicality. They might yell, "heal, leg!" and wait for it to happen, but nothing bar natural healing will occur.

    In our circumstance we feel the same is applicable but it's not. We have the ability to reason with, even barter with our diseases. An anorexic can give their disease "the day off", so to speak, with enough willpower.

    But the serious matter of healing is that you must - and I mean, MUST - you must come to terms with your own ability to control your disease. Do not let it become an excuse - it is not a tag. Not a title. It is not a plague. It is merely a broken state of mind, a series of thoughts that tell you black is white. With enough reasoning, you can see that white is white, but may never see black is black. Does that make sense?

    You understand wrong is wrong. But you might never accept right is right.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I never aim to give someone sugar-coating. This is life, and it's not Disneyland.

    The truth is, many people never "heal" from mental disorders. The only upside to them is that you heal as much of them as you are willing to battle. Someone fighting cancer, or a broken leg, say, is hindered by the process of physicality. They might yell, "heal, leg!" and wait for it to happen, but nothing bar natural healing will occur.

    In our circumstance we feel the same is applicable but it's not. We have the ability to reason with, even barter with our diseases. An anorexic can give their disease "the day off", so to speak, with enough willpower.

    But the serious matter of healing is that you must - and I mean, MUST - you must come to terms with your own ability to control your disease. Do not let it become an excuse - it is not a tag. Not a title. It is not a plague. It is merely a broken state of mind, a series of thoughts that tell you black is white. With enough reasoning, you can see that white is white, but may never see black is black. Does that make sense?

    You understand wrong is wrong. But you might never accept right is right.
    That last line particularly struck home with me. I know that the way I currently treat food is 100% wrong, but in my head I struggle to visualize that a 'normal' amount is normal. That might never come but I might be able to condition myself to eat the normal amount, even if I do not understand its normality.
    I feel that recognising my own control over this is one of the most important things for me to learn to do, because right now I feel I have no control over my behaviours even though I know thats not the case, because my ED'd brain loudly shouts its reasoning process for the behaviours every day. I just need to learn to accept control and take control and start beating this properly. Its very early days, and I haven't even fully accepted I have an eating disorder as such, but I do know that I fit the majority of the criteria.. I guess its like what you said, I can see that white is white, but not that black is black
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    That last line particularly struck home with me. I know that the way I currently treat food is 100% wrong, but in my head I struggle to visualize that a 'normal' amount is normal. That might never come but I might be able to condition myself to eat the normal amount, even if I do not understand its normality.
    I feel that recognising my own control over this is one of the most important things for me to learn to do, because right now I feel I have no control over my behaviours even though I know thats not the case, because my ED'd brain loudly shouts its reasoning process for the behaviours every day. I just need to learn to accept control and take control and start beating this properly. Its very early days, and I haven't even fully accepted I have an eating disorder as such, but I do know that I fit the majority of the criteria.. I guess its like what you said, I can see that white is white, but not that black is black

    Then, let me formally be the first to acknowledge you into the start of your recovery.

    You just said an absolutely paramount, vital piece of information just then, that relinquished your personal defiance of the disorder. You ACCEPT it.

    It doesn't make you a bad person. People can accept, love, meet and interact with you. You are no quarantined individual.

    The road to recovery is a long one, and by my own knowledge, it tends to be one of bumps and bruises. But to say you admit guilt and acceptance of your own weaknesses means you are willing to address them. If I didn't believe I was wearing a long frilly dress, would I ever come to terms with the sheer concept of taking it off and putting on some trousers?! HECK NO!

    What you've done is a massive stride and I applaud you. I've watched you sneak in here as a watcher, as a dabbler, and now - a recoverer. You fill my spirits, and I will be here to advise you as you continue to recover over the next few weeks, months, years - however long it may take.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Then, let me formally be the first to acknowledge you into the start of your recovery.

    You just said an absolutely paramount, vital piece of information just then, that relinquished your personal defiance of the disorder. You ACCEPT it.

    It doesn't make you a bad person. People can accept, love, meet and interact with you. You are no quarantined individual.

    The road to recovery is a long one, and by my own knowledge, it tends to be one of bumps and bruises. But to say you admit guilt and acceptance of your own weaknesses means you are willing to address them. If I didn't believe I was wearing a long frilly dress, would I ever come to terms with the sheer concept of taking it off and putting on some trousers?! HECK NO!

    What you've done is a massive stride and I applaud you. I've watched you sneak in here as a watcher, as a dabbler, and now - a recoverer. You fill my spirits, and I will be here to advise you as you continue to recover over the next few weeks, months, years - however long it may take.
    Aww thank you, I honestly dont think I would be in the position that I am today without this thread. You've helped me recognize my problem is real, you've encouraged me to seek help and now you are all supporting me when I frequently panic. Thank you!
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    It's only a forum thread and I want nobody to simply *rely* on it.

    But if there is simply nowhere else to go, I want everyone struggling to know that there is somewhere to state your feelings, frets and ails. You might think that you're having a bit of a strop, a bit of a lame day, but to us, we know there are deep-seeded issues there.

    If you need us, we are here. We might take a day or two, but we are always here!
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    ^^^Coming back to the sense of losing control again. Thanks for the wise words peeps
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    I'm so sick of life getting in the way of being 'normal'. I know for a fact that if I were able to adopt a good exercise plan I'd be able to eat in a, somewhat, normal way - I'd still calorie count until I'm blue in the face and not eat too much, but I wouldn't be starving and I wouldn't be binging.

    However life seems to have other plans. I can't even get a toddler into a proper sleeping routine, so I have no guarantee of exercising in the morning or night even if I really want it. What kind nof idiot can't even get a toddler to sleep properly? I feel like I don't deserve to exercise properly and have any shot at normality purely because I can't even handle normal life events, so eatinf 'normally' isn't something I should be allowed to do.

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    I'm going to spoiler my most recent endeavours because of potentially upsetting/triggering material.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I had a reached an impasse in my weight gain. Whilst on one hand, I was hearing from crass, tactless family members "you look fatter than I can remember you" or "like someone took a bike pump t'you", I was struggling because I'd learned after all my hard work my bones were more rotten than ever. It was like, I'd been digging a pointless, deep hole, and after my long slog someone told me, "The hole was pointless. You've put in a load of effort to just get into a worse situation."

    Of course, restoring weight to 18.5 was not a BAD thing. But in my mind I wasn't willing to move either way. I don't want to lose weight. But I don't want to GAIN weight. I'm frozen in fear - in the knowledge I royally raped my bones by anorexia but equally, my bones didn't heal by gaining either. I know my situation is obtuse because of skeletal progeria, a condition that caused my bones to rapidly age. But in my head I am frightened to move.

    Today I was told I would likely only see a stoppage of bone diminishing at a BMI of about 22. Testosterone, Epinephrine, even alendronic acids seem to not work. I have been on steroids for weeks.

    Now I am torn. "Fatter than I've ever been", I'm told. "Put on weight... a LOT more", I am told, too. It seems like I am buggered either way.

    Truth be told it's tough being optimistic when fate loves to take a dump right on your head.


    But my particular situation is isolated and not one to base your own on. I just feel it's important to gain some perspective on peers.
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    #171

    I'm really upset that people are saying these things to you Tommy Have you told them that what they are saying is affecting you?

    I guess they just don't understand body dysmorphia and think 'he can't possibly actually think he is fat, he must know i'm joking'. I just looked at some recent photos of you and you are tiny. Honestly you are. You can definitely afford to put on another 20 pounds without being anywhere near big or overweight.

    I know BMI 22 is scary on the Tommy scale, but it's healthy and perfect and lovely on the Everyone else scale! Come join
    • #185
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I'm going to spoiler my most recent endeavours because of potentially upsetting/triggering material.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I had a reached an impasse in my weight gain. Whilst on one hand, I was hearing from crass, tactless family members "you look fatter than I can remember you" or "like someone took a bike pump t'you", I was struggling because I'd learned after all my hard work my bones were more rotten than ever. It was like, I'd been digging a pointless, deep hole, and after my long slog someone told me, "The hole was pointless. You've put in a load of effort to just get into a worse situation."

    Of course, restoring weight to 18.5 was not a BAD thing. But in my mind I wasn't willing to move either way. I don't want to lose weight. But I don't want to GAIN weight. I'm frozen in fear - in the knowledge I royally raped my bones by anorexia but equally, my bones didn't heal by gaining either. I know my situation is obtuse because of skeletal progeria, a condition that caused my bones to rapidly age. But in my head I am frightened to move.

    Today I was told I would likely only see a stoppage of bone diminishing at a BMI of about 22. Testosterone, Epinephrine, even alendronic acids seem to not work. I have been on steroids for weeks.

    Now I am torn. "Fatter than I've ever been", I'm told. "Put on weight... a LOT more", I am told, too. It seems like I am buggered either way.

    Truth be told it's tough being optimistic when fate loves to take a dump right on your head.


    But my particular situation is isolated and not one to base your own on. I just feel it's important to gain some perspective on peers.
    Such hurtful things to say! I agree, you do look tiny by your pictures so I have no idea how people could come to say such things.

    Just going to hide this away;
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Right so I thought I'd anon for this but I'm struggling so bad. 4years in and was doing so well until we got a lodger to come & live with us as my mother travels loads. Anyway best of the bunch, managed to get the model-thin one with a pretty fast metabolism and a love of all veg.. I tried not to be self centered and not let her trigger me but I reckon it's like trying to give up alcohol and living in a house with an alcoholic. I wasn't really recovered before anyway.. discharged from clinic and counselling at bmi 17 and kidding myself I was recovered. Now I've let it drop to 14.8 by the looks of things. I don't get it though, this time last year I was around bmi 15 and ate near nothing, either going weeks without food or limiting myself to around 300cals. Now I'm eating more like 1500 (upping it to 2000 for todays babysteps..), so when people bring it up they tend to mention how they can't understand why I'm so disordered right now.. after all I'm eating right?!

    I feel so stupid, I loved my semi recovery, finally understood that skinny definitely didn't taste as good as those chocolate gu puddings, yet here I am again as what seems to be a failed relapse because as everyone puts it, I still 'eat'. Yet now, I eat 1500 for the day then head to the gym and next day feel hideously depressed and exhausted, and I can feel things starting to go wrong, like sore joints/eye infections/flakey skin. I swear last time it took a quarter the amount of food to get this response..
    Feeling quite sour towards the UK medical approach, maybe if they'd kept me on until I was at least borderline healthy I'd be okay. Then again the clinics were pretty triggering.
    Either way I can't find my motivation right now.
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    I continue to revel and stand in awe of you wonderful, powerful people.

    People assume we are lacking in strength when it is in fact the opposite; the reason we are so anal and fastidious about the things we do is that we have TOO MUCH strength of mind.

    We are TOO considered, TOO logical in our methodology. Painfully so.

    There is a distinct link between intelligence quotient and clinical and emotionally depressive or opressive qualities, by the way. You probably already knew this. "Ignorance is bliss" is an inherently profound statement because the more intelligent a human being is, the more prone and likely he or she is to develop severe mental disorders that inhibit his or her emotive or psychological state.

    Mine is relatively high; 151 at the last check, but I suffer from a dense compound of debilitating mental illnesses. The more intelligent you are or seek to be, the more considered, the more logical, the more meticulous you become, until the cyclical process comes full-circle and you crush yourself with your own psyche.

    It is our onus. But be proud of it. We suffer emotional and mental disorders because we are not ignorant enough to simply dismiss things regular people shrug off without second thought.

    And in some ways, I guess that's at least minor solace amidst the mental tornado we face each day!
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    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

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    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
 
 
 
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