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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

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    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
    So sorry to hear you've been having a difficult period recently.

    I'd like to put forth this notion to you - it was upon achieving my highest accolades that I personally spiralled into depression which onset my other disorders (including clinical anorexia nervosa).

    It's strange I know, but upon reaching my highest point, and achieving all the things I sought to, I effectively ended an arc in my life and realised I wasn't standing on a podium, cheering for the rest of my life - I'd lost a sense of direction and drive.

    I'd achieved all I'd set out to, gotten a Master's Degree and a great job as an artist for a massive games company. But I had nowhere else to go; everyone in my work had been static in those positions for up to ten years apiece, and every day seemed to be a massive anticlimax despite loving the work itself.

    In achieving what I'd set out to, I'd rid myself of goals, and that set about a massive depression in me that was replaced by an insatiable craving to set daily goals to feel a sense of achievement in my day. And now I realise, that was exercise, it was food, it was finding achievement in the mundane daily things we all do, just to feel alive - and it nearly killed me off.

    It's not uncommon to find yourself incredibly depressed after getting your degree (or even just beating a uni year, or ending a significant arc or milestone in your life). Have you considered that a possibility?
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

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    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
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    Hey! Really sorry to hear you're feeling so awful. I suffer with a lot of the things you mention. I have depression, I self harm and I have suicidal thoughts. Is this the first period of time in which you've felt like this? Have you got any support in place? Please don't hesitate to PM me if you wanna talk anything through, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to understand on at least some level. Please hang in there and know that this won't last forever :hugs:
    • #81
    #81

    It's quite weird that we don't identify these ed behaviours as self-harm.

    Anyway, I was going through a really really rough patch then I read Man's Search for Meaning. Don't know what happened but something seemed to click. It's not solved my ed problems but it definitely "helped" me through a really tough spell. Plus, I was going through some talk therapy which I think was doing more harm than good.

    Hope you guys get better.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
    -hugging- I'm going to kidnap you, drown your internal organs in tea and then watch a stupid amount of big bang theory/ made in chelsea/ breaking bad with you.

    P.S
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    cutting doesn't fix anything
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

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    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
    you are a wonderful person and we are all here for you!
    I know it might feel like you're drowning in the dark and no one can see you, but I'm sure there's someone out there you can talk to. Some sort of help? Be it a friend, family member or professional help.
    When I've felt like this, I find forcing myself to go out and see my mates really helpful. I'm too embarrassed to show I feel really upset, and invariably by pretending I feel better I start to actually feel a bit better. Maybe it's the distraction? Worth trying if you haven't maybe? I know t might feel like the last thing you want to do, but just try it once, and see! It works for me sometimes.
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    Regardless of what you do, you should always try to find the lowest common denominator. The REASONING behind your mental disorder.

    I am a keen believer that a problem is only a nuisance once you know the reason why it exists. A buzz around the room that follows you and wants to kill you is a problem - it could be a spectre, a spy, a dire presence wanting you dead. But as soon as you learn it is in fact a fly, it becomes a pest - sure, it's no LESS a pest, it doesn't get any less of a nuisance to your life, but you can learn means of dealing with it. Even if the fly is invincible and never stops buzzing, at least you know what it is.

    What I'm getting at is, it's always going to be infuriating to have an inherent problem that follows you for potentially the rest of your days. But you could learn to lessen that problem - potentially even learn to co-exist with it, so long as you are in charge of it.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I know this has nothing to do with an eating disorder but I know a lot of you guys suffer from depression and I really need help.

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    Lately I've been self-harming. I mean getting my kitchen knife and cutting myself. My depression is the worst it has ever been despite my life being pretty good. I feel like crying all the time. I came back from shopping yesterday and was crying on my way to my flat. I cried in the evening. I don't even know what's brought this on. Exams are over, I've been having fun with my friends and I don't have any source of stress. I feel so empty and sad all the time.
    Sending :hugs: to you Jazzy.You deserve better than to feel this way, but you'll come out of this, trust me. You're strong.

    When I feel down, really down, I find one of the best things I can listen to is:

    http://http://youtu.be/HwSKkKrUzUk :P

    and it just reminds me I'm not alone, never alone, and the dark cloud will pass.
    There's a new beginning in endings and something wonderful all around. It's the little things which make a big difference

    Remember you don't have to do constantly to have purpose. Sometimes we need to relax from doing and just savour the moment. You are unique, worthy, special and interesting simply by being.
    We're here if you need to talk. X
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    A poignant sentiment, Riku.

    I think if you're self loathing, self-harming... self-hating in any way, it boils down to underpinning the reasoning. The absolute motive.

    I am no psychiatrist though I've been told I have the mental stature to be one!

    Effectively what it boils down to is that you have an inherent penchant for misery and punishment, and there is a latent reasoning for it. Perhaps you feel you are undeserving of your merits? Maybe you feel like you've just beaten a year at university and that you didn't earn it and need to punish to even out? It's all valid. Whatever your reasons, post in the thread and we can help. x
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    My sister has an eating disorder. More than one of my friends struggle with it and a number of their siblings also struggle with it. One of my sister's friends died of Anorexia.

    I've seen the effects it has on the sufferer and everyone around them that loves them. I get angry and annoyed because I can't understand why they are so far from themselves. I see the personalities of my sister and best friends slip away.


    I don't really know if I'm posting in the right place, but eating disorders are just an unbelievably large part of so many lives around me, and I just want this disorder to stop spreading, every one deserves that at least.
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    (Original post by greenflamingo)
    My sister has an eating disorder. More than one of my friends struggle with it and a number of their siblings also struggle with it. One of my sister's friends died of Anorexia.

    I've seen the effects it has on the sufferer and everyone around them that loves them. I get angry and annoyed because I can't understand why they are so far from themselves. I see the personalities of my sister and best friends slip away.


    I don't really know if I'm posting in the right place, but eating disorders are just an unbelievably large part of so many lives around me, and I just want this disorder to stop spreading, every one deserves that at least.
    I think it's similar to being in a bad relationship to an extent. In some ways, you can't see the full damage you are causing yourself or others through your actions.

    Sometimes even if and when they do see they upset someone through their actions, they feel too trapped to be able to stop or change anyway. And then might punish themselves by further restricting/purging, because they feel guilty. It can be a vicious circle, so understanding rather than condemning is better. You can shout until you're blue in the face, but similar to shouting at someone locked in a cage, shouting will do nothing. You need to help free them.

    It can be tough on the person seeing whoever going through it. It's a real responsibility having to look after someone like that. Maybe you should speak to someone about how you feel too? You seem quite upset, and it seems like you could do with talking to someone? (I wouldn't recommend the person/people with the eating disorders, unless you feel it appropriate)
    • #180
    #180

    (Original post by greenflamingo)
    My sister has an eating disorder. More than one of my friends struggle with it and a number of their siblings also struggle with it. One of my sister's friends died of Anorexia.

    I've seen the effects it has on the sufferer and everyone around them that loves them. I get angry and annoyed because I can't understand why they are so far from themselves. I see the personalities of my sister and best friends slip away.


    I don't really know if I'm posting in the right place, but eating disorders are just an unbelievably large part of so many lives around me, and I just want this disorder to stop spreading, every one deserves that at least.
    You're right; these are horrible illnesses which not only affect the sufferer but have a profound effect on everyone around them. I don't know if it helps, but someone I know does some youtube videos about her experiences, and here is one in which her mum is talking about what it's like to have a family member with anorexia. She has some good advice, and maybe it'll help you to feel less alone in your experience? Do you have anyone to talk to about how you feel?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're right; these are horrible illnesses which not only affect the sufferer but have a profound effect on everyone around them. I don't know if it helps, but someone I know does some youtube videos about her experiences, and here is one in which her mum is talking about what it's like to have a family member with anorexia. She has some good advice, and maybe it'll help you to feel less alone in your experience? Do you have anyone to talk to about how you feel?
    Ah thanks.

    Yes, actually do have a lot of people to talk to. Went through waves of depression last year, so actually had a counselor for a while to talk about alll this stuff. Thanks for your concern

    I just wish there was a way we could make a difference, prevent these disorders starting, change the culture of skinny = happiness, and educate young people (and parents, mine were useless) about how to lead happy, healthy lives.
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    p.s. that video is really really great, thanks.
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    (Original post by greenflamingo)
    Ah thanks.

    Yes, actually do have a lot of people to talk to. Went through waves of depression last year, so actually had a counselor for a while to talk about alll this stuff. Thanks for your concern

    I just wish there was a way we could make a difference, prevent these disorders starting, change the culture of skinny = happiness, and educate young people (and parents, mine were useless) about how to lead happy, healthy lives.
    Sorry, that post was me- for some reason it keeps posting as anonymous haha Anyway I definitely agree that something needs to change in our society to promote happiness and healthiness, and an openness towards mental health problems in general, and there are organisations doing this (Mind, Time to Change and bEAT come to mind) but there is a long way to go. I guess it's just a case of everyone doing their own bit to raise awareness... Glad you have people around you, keep smiling :hugs:
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    Thanks guys. I feel better after reading all your comments. What I hate is not being able to pinpoint why I feel this way
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Thanks guys. I feel better after reading all your comments. What I hate is not being able to pinpoint why I feel this way
    You don't need to ever know exactly why. Sometimes there's a single underlying reason, sometimes it's a culmination of lots of things. They don't even have to be explicitly stressful, it could be something unexpected. You could get homesick on holiday and it starts stressing you out, for example. They might also build up over time without being noticed for weeks or months, maybe even years.
    If you worry about why you feel this way too much, you start a vicious cycle of rumination, blame and shame which can trap you quicker than you know it. 'Paralysis by analysis'.
    The only thing which matters is how you can move forward. Maybe give a little time, just a bit, about what you think is wrong about how you feel or where you are in life now (i.e. what you're unhappy with). But then the rest of the time it's important to see what you want to do next, what you can do to move forward. Always be in the moment and look ahead, only look back to cherish the blessings and successes and learn from the mistakes. Depression will make it feel like there is no next, but it lies. There is and it'll be wonderful. You've got a lot to achieve and experience yet just as we all have
    As for the doubt and urge to pinpoint the logic, don't let this stop you in your tracks. It's not really logical. It's hard to let go of that need to know-especially for us folks-but we all need to accept some uncertainty and trust things will turn out alright with the right steps to change.

    Sorry if this sounds condescending, not supposed to be.
    Please don't blame yourself for feeling like this, Jazzy. You're not at fault :hugs:
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    I am balding very rapidly again. Though this is a post not about me, but a warning.

    My problems might be skeletal now, but they are also ED-based. Though I am healing, my mind is still broken and it spills over into the rest of my lifestyle even now.

    Consider your mind not as a big bag, but as a big glass. Your emotions thoughts are a liquid that fill your mind, and when you overthink to the point where the brim is breached, your thoughts spill over into your actions.

    No? Well, have you never had a day where you worried so much your lifestyle, your actions, were hindered? Of course you have. That's how an eating disorder starts, of course.

    In my situation, I have skeletal progeria. It is rapid bone age disorder stemmed from a broken pituitary and (at the time, experimental) growth hormone therapy. It was the gateway to a feeling of inadequacy, then sudden empowerment. Suddenly the boy that couldn't grow up or hit puberty was a man, and I felt invincible, pompous, superior.

    It inherently inbuilt a sense of achievement, that I must continue this rapid growth... even if not LITERAL growth. I must become the most powerful, smart, impressive person I can potentially be! But in turn, it ironically became the set of tenets that saw me become a shrivelled, gaunt, skinny wreck of a man.

    Now, I know my original issue is back with a vengeance, but I was told - and this is horrid - that if I hadn't experienced anorexia nervosa I would maybe have a chance at reversing this. But anorexia exacerbated my skeletal degeneration so fast I will never be able to rebuild my bones.

    My only option ironically, is to get to a BMI of at least 21-22 to "shield" my -4.9 dexa bones (0 is normal, -1.0 is osteoporosis as seen in an old woman) from instant breakage.

    Hah. Telling a pre-anorexic my only chance at a full life is to be a BMI of 22 is like a raspberry blown in my face, but it's just desserts. I deserved this for my overconfidence.

    What I'm trying to tell you is life ALWAYS twirls round to repay you; call it retribution, Karma, whatever - life is very sure of how to reward you for how you treat the gift of your actual PRESENCE here - it gifts you with greater or equal to how you've acted up until now, right back at you.

    We all have a chance to be a gentleman, or a lady, but sometimes it's fun to be the *******, or the snob. But in the end, we get what's coming to us. And that notion has humbled me, and made me into a man that wants to atone by helping all of you here.

    I will never be a hurdler, or a rugby player, or even some kind of backside model (if such a thing is called-for). But I can at least hope to aid people falling down the abyss that broke me... quite literally.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I am balding very rapidly again. Though this is a post not about me, but a warning.

    My problems might be skeletal now, but they are also ED-based. Though I am healing, my mind is still broken and it spills over into the rest of my lifestyle even now.

    Consider your mind not as a big bag, but as a big glass. Your emotions thoughts are a liquid that fill your mind, and when you overthink to the point where the brim is breached, your thoughts spill over into your actions.

    No? Well, have you never had a day where you worried so much your lifestyle, your actions, were hindered? Of course you have. That's how an eating disorder starts, of course.

    In my situation, I have skeletal progeria. It is rapid bone age disorder stemmed from a broken pituitary and (at the time, experimental) growth hormone therapy. It was the gateway to a feeling of inadequacy, then sudden empowerment. Suddenly the boy that couldn't grow up or hit puberty was a man, and I felt invincible, pompous, superior.

    It inherently inbuilt a sense of achievement, that I must continue this rapid growth... even if not LITERAL growth. I must become the most powerful, smart, impressive person I can potentially be! But in turn, it ironically became the set of tenets that saw me become a shrivelled, gaunt, skinny wreck of a man.

    Now, I know my original issue is back with a vengeance, but I was told - and this is horrid - that if I hadn't experienced anorexia nervosa I would maybe have a chance at reversing this. But anorexia exacerbated my skeletal degeneration so fast I will never be able to rebuild my bones.

    My only option ironically, is to get to a BMI of at least 21-22 to "shield" my -4.9 dexa bones (0 is normal, -1.0 is osteoporosis as seen in an old woman) from instant breakage.

    Hah. Telling a pre-anorexic my only chance at a full life is to be a BMI of 22 is like a raspberry blown in my face, but it's just desserts. I deserved this for my overconfidence.

    What I'm trying to tell you is life ALWAYS twirls round to repay you; call it retribution, Karma, whatever - life is very sure of how to reward you for how you treat the gift of your actual PRESENCE here - it gifts you with greater or equal to how you've acted up until now, right back at you.

    We all have a chance to be a gentleman, or a lady, but sometimes it's fun to be the *******, or the snob. But in the end, we get what's coming to us. And that notion has humbled me, and made me into a man that wants to atone by helping all of you here.

    I will never be a hurdler, or a rugby player, or even some kind of backside model (if such a thing is called-for). But I can at least hope to aid people falling down the abyss that broke me... quite literally.
    Thank you for sharing.

    When you take a step out of yourself and look at your decision though; BMI 22 or what, death, eventually? Is it really such a tough pick? Surely life is the ultimate choice. Keep fighting Tommy, if you can do it we all can! x
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Thank you for sharing.

    When you take a step out of yourself and look at your decision though; BMI 22 or what, death, eventually? Is it really such a tough pick? Surely life is the ultimate choice. Keep fighting Tommy, if you can do it we all can! x
    No, no, I KNOW that now. That's what I mean, I find it frustrating it should even still be a bone of contention with me, even a THINKING point. It's ridiculous; it's obvious.

    But the point I'm hammering home is that even in a state of incredible debility, this mindset does NOT stop. Think about how healthy you are now, even with a frail body and broken mind. There is no point of no return, no point where you "get it", that you think it's enough, or that you're fine where you are. You need to be mindful that if you have this particular mindset, you need to MANAGE this. You need to constantly watch it's not trying to trick you down into a very unhealthy mental alleyway to blindside you with issues.

    We are all struggling. In some ways, we are all absolute equals. Our struggle in our minds ... is equal. On the exterior however, the struggle might exhibit differently. In no circumstance, however, is it more or less important.

    I'm not demeaning or dismissing Melissa's point though. Melissa is a smart cookie.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    No, no, I KNOW that now. That's what I mean, I find it frustrating it should even still be a bone of contention with me, even a THINKING point. It's ridiculous; it's obvious.

    But the point I'm hammering home is that even in a state of incredible debility, this mindset does NOT stop. Think about how healthy you are now, even with a frail body and broken mind. There is no point of no return, no point where you "get it", that you think it's enough, or that you're fine where you are. You need to be mindful that if you have this particular mindset, you need to MANAGE this. You need to constantly watch it's not trying to trick you down into a very unhealthy mental alleyway to blindside you with issues.

    We are all struggling. In some ways, we are all absolute equals. Our struggle in our minds ... is equal. On the exterior however, the struggle might exhibit differently. In no circumstance, however, is it more or less important.

    I'm not demeaning or dismissing Melissa's point though. Melissa is a smart cookie.
    Oh, I get it now. And I like your use of the word cookie. Nicely done. You sir, are a scholar and a saint.
 
 
 
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