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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    I'm not sure I understand your post fully Toto.. Maybe it's just me, but I am not sure I believe that your bone disorder is your 'punishment'. At least, I feel sad thinking about it that way. I just don't believe in Karma, not on an individual basis (maybe for humankind as a whole). Too many bad things happen to good people for me to accept that concept.

    Possible trigger warning... only because it's slightly negative

    Since deciding to leave uni to recover properly, this is the first time that my life is starting to hot up again. Tomorrow I meet my sisters boyfriend and go out for lunch (still massively uncomfortable about eating in front of men), in a few months i'll be going on a big family holiday (all you can eat buffet + bikinis), and then it'll be back to uni. My anxiety is rearing its ugly head and i'm sick to my stomach most days. I realise how much my eating disorder was very effective at covering over the anxiety, and now it's like i'm in shark infested water without a cage. But at least I know that now, and hopefully I can buck up the courage to use proper medication rather than self medicating which would be taking the easy way out.

    So nervous for tomorrow. Surely going out for lunch and then to a music concert should be a great day out, not something you lay awake worrying about.
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    I never post in a defeatist nature, merely informatively. I have no time for formal depression!!

    Basically my post is saying that I've acted really rather obtusely, taking for granted that when life gives you a gold coin it is not saying "be a **** with this." I am saying that if you become flippant and careless with the boons life gives you, you'll regret it!

    People find problems with the minefield of existence even if the minefield turns out to be a field of corn or barley. You might associate barley with death, and avoid it at all costs, spending your life dive-rolling away from a harmless grain at all costs. This is effectively what a body dysmorphia and Eating Disorder amounts to.

    You spend your time avoiding a problem which is zero problem. Do you think that a hamburger is a problem? Hamburgers are calories, calories are fuel, fuel is the impedence to life. Living is no problem, is it? But if you ingest too much fuel, your body becomes sluggish and flabby. Is THAT a problem? Well, no, because there are plenty of happy, fit rotund people. Of course there are!

    We see problems in places that do not exist and build our basis for improvement based on those incorrect assumptions.

    My incorrect assumptions are not based in any way on vanity. I don't care about how I look any longer. I am a man in my late twenties who has been through so many various situations that I simply forget my exact circumstances right this second and regard the entire picture. I look at my goals and my short-term situations, and reflect logically. But what that does is make me focus on a hypothetical situation that doesn't even happen or exist!

    Cinnie, you're living LIFE. That's what it's all about. I envy that. Living in the moment is a beautiful thing. To occur, to happen, and exist, and be. Sadly, a lot of us are so aware of our existence that every step is a considered, heavy notion.

    If I step here, will it affect my ability to move in a direction that is not beneficial to my overall life? When I am thirty, forty, will this step affect me? Will I regret this?

    It's no way to live.

    Cinnie. Eat. Live, play, enjoy. Love! You are a beautiful girl, with a beautiful life, like everyone here. Except the men, of course.
    • #171
    #171

    Thank you
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    ^ Whoops I didn't mean to submit that yet, tired. I really want to live and stop worrying about the future. It doesn't exist yet. How can you be worried about something that doesn't exist, right? Yet it seems filled with so much potential danger. I'm going to try try try to have a great time tomorrow
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    ^ Whoops I didn't mean to submit that yet, tired. I really want to live and stop worrying about the future. It doesn't exist yet. How can you be worried about something that doesn't exist, right? Yet it seems filled with so much potential danger. I'm going to try try try to have a great time tomorrow
    You will feel so much better for it. I often have pre 'event' nerves (events meaning things that can seem a big deal to me; eating in front of others, going out for meals etc.) More than anything I'm scared of my own reaction and not the way others will react to me because in all honesty, they're there for their own agendas, to have their own good time, they're not really looking at me at all and it would be a bit self-absorbed of me to think so. But I never avoid it anymore, I just face it head on and go out and as soon as I let myself be free for the evening I almost forget about all the previous worries. And when I get home, is it regret I feel? Self-loathing for having fun? Disappointment in myself for not letting my ED ruin my life? Not on your nelly, Melly! I feel happy, proud, almost silly! (What were you making a big deal over nothing? I must do that more often! etc etc)

    x
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    Another good thing to do is track your worries , but not just "Oh god, oh god, I freaked out today, oh god."

    You ned to give the reasoning for the freak out, and most importantly - what you were frightened was going to happen to you.

    You might find as time elapses your ED starts to change reasoning or purpose for existence. For example I spoke to one particular girl who feared eating a biscuit with her tea we went for (I often meet in person with people struggling with EDs to have a proper chat about it - there's only so much can be conveyed via a keyboard) - and she initially said "because I'll get fat."

    Almost a year on and she still refused the biscotti. I asked her why, and she said "because you know I can't". After asking her to just tell me, she said, "it's just, I don't any more."

    She hadn't retained the fear of weight gain from something so trivial and meagre as a biscotti, she simply hadn't reached the point of understanding that it was illogical that it was a definite scenario. Coffee, No biscuit. Every time.

    Another slightly older lad I spoke to had a similar situation but quite like me, his focus altered to complete control. He didn't fear food, calories, anything - he feared the inability to exactly calculate exactly what was in his food and drink, so refused anything he hadn't personally prepared.

    As your ED knowledge evolves, your ED itself will shift as well, and you'll find it doesn't reflect why it appeared to begin with. It's bizarre, almost like we nurture it to become a more effective pest in our lives.
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    I guess I always worry about not being able to control my anxiety and it building and building into a panic attack without me being able to reign it back. It has only happened a couple of times.

    Anyway it's a self fulfilling prophecy because if I think 'yep i'm going to have a panic attack'... I would probably have less control.
    I used to have a similar phobia - not with panic attacks but I used to always worry that I was going to randomly feel like I was going to be sick. Now I can just tell myself that it never happens and I don't think about it any more. I need to do the same with this.

    I had a really great time though
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    That's wonderful to hear you stymied your anxieties for long enough to have a life for a day!

    Has anyone else attempted an "anorexic's day off" again? Obviously I have long since bypassed this step, but I find that, in the same way a smoker, for example, will occasionally randomly take a "bad day", I am still prone to indulging my bad habits the odd day. But I do not see that as a terrible thing at my stage; it always ends up miserable and I remind myself of why I wanted to get healthier.

    But I don't know if you recall my strategy if you're starting recovery; you take a day "off" a week, where you don't fret, don't count, don't freak out. Your anxieties get stifled because you know the next day you can return to your unhealthy "safe" routine. But it's a great wee first-step, and you begin to really look forward to those days. I don't mean a "go crazy" day, I mean just... a day of eating normal meals, not going mad at the gym, just being a normal person. Remember normally, people in the UK eat between 2100 and 2800 calories on average and 8/10 people have never even set foot in a gymnasium outside of their school gym - you're less "normal" than you think when you think about it, eh?
    • #186
    #186

    I'm pleased to have found this thread, I've been thinking of talking about my disorder on The Student Room for a while now, but things have so tiring that I think now this might be a helpful start to address the issue. (Firstly, I apologise for how long this post is, but it's the first time I've ever told my story, so there's a fair bit to go through!)

    I've been bulimic for about five years now. I was always quite a chubby child and was bullied during some of my school years for being so- that and having frizzy hair like Hagrid's I wasn't exactly the most conventionally attractive child. I'd tried to loose weight throughout my teenage years, and found myself constantly fluctuating in weight; I'd loose a few pounds, and then a trip to pizza hut would suddenly undo the work and I'd be snacking and stuffing myself for a few weeks afterwards. This carried on for a while until one day I decided to make myself sick. I can't remember how it came about, but I felt a kind of adrenaline rush from being so full and guilty and hateful of myself to having it all emptied out of me. I felt more powerful in a way, and so I continued to do it, but not that often, finding that if I had a very large meal I would make myself sick, but then afterwards I'd snack a lot, and so I didn't really loose much weight.

    As I got older I found that I had just slimmed down as teenagers do, but I still occasionally made myself sick. I'd had boyfriends and with some of them I found myself content enough to not worry about my image so much. I felt attractive and so bulimia and eating anxieties slipped to the back of my mind.

    I've never been what you'd call a skinny girl, but when I came to university in London I felt absolutely huge. I was probably a size 12 in my first year- certainly not what most people would consider overweight, but I still thought myself grotesque and huge in comparison to the lithe and slender girls of the university and people of London in general. Thus my bulimia came back, and I'd spend a few hours most evenings binging and purging in my tiny halls room if I wasn't going out, and then even if I was, I'd quite often buy a kebab or something on the way back and throw it up again. Even this didn't make me loose that much weight and I would still snack absent-mindedly.

    This year things have changed completely. After a pretty bitter break up with my boyfriend I'd began to purge more than ever, and not only that, but look at what I was eating constantly. Bad and painful memories of the past were bought up when I was making myself sick so that it'd be easier. I began to walk more, to eat less and adopted a much steelier mentality. It was something I could control now; I stopped the snacking, began ruthless exercise and thought let's change this.

    After a few months the weight began to drop off, and I began to feel more confident. University this year has been infinitely better than the year before. I felt happier and had a strong group of friends which I still do. Not only that but loosing weight made me feel more attractive and I began to get a better reception from people. Vain, I know, but to me it meant a lot after being ostracised at school for being overweight.

    Nowadays I'm happier than I have been for a while, but the only thing, the main thing that is getting me down is my bulimia which has escalated. I've lost a lot of weight, so much so that some friends and my family have been angry at me for it. My friend who I lived with this year knew that I was bulimic for a long time, but eventually I had to admit it to her, and admit that I had a problem.

    I still get a rush from binging and purging and fitting into clothes that I never could before. I thought that's what I always wanted: to be the slender London girl.

    But now things are getting out of control. I'm trying to cut down my purging, because it's affecting a lot of areas of my life. I get anxious when friends ask me out for meals, or there is food at my boyfriend's house, or if someone suggests a takeaway. I know that I want to snatch every single delicious item from a table and gorge myself, but I can't, and it's torture to watch others doing it. I'll now have something as unassuming as a packet of oatcakes and sit for fifteen minutes procrastinating about whether or not I should try and throw it back up. If I can't throw up until I can taste some stomach acid I become ridiculously angry with myself and guilty and miserable. I'll look in the mirror when naked and make sure my ribs are jutting out, and check religiously every morning and every night. I've begun feeling tired and gaseous and much more irritable because my blood sugar is low. That, and I've begun drinking more, despite being happy with my group of friends and job and life. I'm not happy with myself though. Don't get me wrong- I feel more confident stepping out of my house in nice clothes, but when I'm by myself or confronted with food I feel pathetic and anxious.

    The worst thing is that now even when I don't want to throw up, when I've had an amount of healthy food that I want to keep down, my body won't let me. It'll now automatically come up in my mouth and I'll have to spit it out. This has been escalating over the past few months to the fact that I'll spend an hour having my body gradually bring bits of food up. Sometimes sporadically and violently which has resulted in me being unintentionally sick over my quilt in front of a friend, and having to spit out in my boyfriend's sink in the middle of a conversation. It's embarrassing and makes me feel nasty inside and outside, to have the smell around me, the taste and burning throat and watering eyes constantly.

    Some of my friends and family and my boyfriend know about this and say they're there for me and will try and help as much as possible, which I'm so grateful for, but I've never met anyone else with bulimia. I'd like advice from people who've experienced it themselves and how I can go about trying to tackle it, whilst, more importantly, learning to keep small things down and digest them instead of having it automatically come up.

    I feel anxious and on edge too often these days and am so tired of this happening. I'll often cry from frustration of having the food constantly come up, and just want to stop it, no matter how long it takes.

    I apologise for how long this post is, but it is honestly the first time I've ever written down this experience of my life, and would be so grateful for any advice any of you could give me. I want this to change, and hope that all of you are also supported and feel yourself getting nearer to a healthier and happier life.

    Thank you.
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    Anon, do not apologise for the hearty post. I for one am constantly badgering people on here to stop blindly moaning and start being more honest and upfront about their issues, as it's the only way we can help to combat it.

    Your story is both saddening and typical simultaneously; it's a paradigm of events a lot of us encountered to meeting face to face with our own mental disorders. The reason an eating disorder starts is because of a traumatic event or prolonged exposure to incorrect stimulus in the world that converts us to thinking red is blue, and no matter how many times we see the Japanese flag, we'll say it has a blue dot in the centre.

    We have ourselves to blame, but at the same time, we are not selfish. It's in creating these disorders that you should know we've tried to better ourselves for others. So inherently, we are good people. We strive to portray ideals, to be the best kind of person, but in doing that, we kill ourselves as martyrs. It's no existence.

    I personally have never been much to purge so I can definitely not say that my disorder is empathetic towards that specific "rush". But what I CAN say is that it gets more and more powerful, unless you take action and fight against it. It's easy to say you are powerless now, and that it's too much, but unlike a broken leg or a bout of asthma, there is no chemical medicine for a mental disorder beyond antipsychotics and sedatives. You need to locate the loose screw in your brain and TIGHTEN!

    Like I said, my loose screw was when I achieved all my goals. I became obsessed with my lack of goals so much that I set stupid daily ones like "do 1000 situps!" "Eat no more than 1500 calories!" - sometimes I even set up little tick-charts so I could feel my day was "accomplished". I had a great job. A flat. A Masters Degree. A fiance. To date, I have only two of those four things because this mentality completely destroyed my life and left me a robot of a man.

    Now I have utterly decimated bones, cannot walk, though I am almost fully weight-restored, and yet the grip is still with me. Sometimes I think I should have an "anorexic day" and try to meet some arbitrary goals, but now I know I physically can't; my body is too ruined.

    Like an alcoholic, you start off at a couple of pints a day. Every day. No biggie. It's cool. Then three. It's only one more! Before you realise it you're downing bottles of vodka without a flinch; in my anorexic world, I retrospectively look back and wonder how I ever managed to do 2000 situps in one day, with a full-time games development job. But you lose track of scale.

    We are here for you from now on. Remain anonymous if you will - a lot of the community here were anonymous for months, years almost! But look at them now! I'm so incredibly proud of the progress they're making, and I hope you can be as honest, frank, upfront and overt with me as they have. This way, we can kill off your wee brain-kink before it does more damage than is reversible. X
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    Finally managed to eat a donut and not feel guilty in front of my aunts!

    This one's incredibly hard for me because having been a bit of a chubby kid with a hearty appetite to say the least-especially at family meals-they assumed that was how I ate all the time. That was who I was, the nephew with a bottomless stomach.
    It got to a point where I thought I was hearing them making snarky 'oooh I'm [I]sooo [I]full, I couldn't possibly have another bite' remarks every time I went to the table.
    It was almost a fight against my nan who offers me breakfast, second breakfast, brunch and elevenses :P
    different ways of showing love, I understand.

    So then I must have tried to set about proving that eating was not all of who I was, feeling inadequate compared to my high-flying brainbox of a brother and my sister the model/dancer/career-focused general 'alpha female', and went the complete other way to the point I thought a slice of cake was giving me heart disease and I'd be excusing myself from the table at my nan's, trying to dance it off in the bedroom after tea. Wow.
    Now I look at it and laugh. I must have been scared.
    But it was almost as if my aunts were approving of it :/ the new more 'controlled' me.

    I sympathise more with her as I realise she's been fighting depression for years, either clinical or at least in the sense so stressed by work, riddled with anxieties that she can't enjoy life properly, she struggles to let go. You can see the bags under her eyes and shaking hands sometimes.
    No surprise considering, I already knew that she'd had a struggle with her weight and self-esteem in her teenage years before I was born.
    (possibly some fear of acceptance since she came out, although she's now been in a happy civil partnership for five years )

    It's sad that she still looks longingly at a simple doughnut and pizza box even at her brother's birthday barbecue, but the fact that she can laugh at me trying to munch the jam without licking my lips of heap-loads of sugar was wonderful and maybe she just still needs time to face her own demons
    got me out of the dark headspace anyway!

    On the flipside of the coin, I want to go to the gym tomorrow, my gran and granddad have invited me out to lunch but I went with them a few days ago, politely declined. feel a little guilt but there's no need to, there's no need to, there's no need to
    I did have them round for a cuppa today and go out with them last week. I think it's OK I say no. It s Ok. I can lead my own life, I think. Maybe. Yes. No. No. Don't you dare.
    Still doubting but pretending it's ok right now.
    Pretending.
    What right do I have to the choice
    I wouldn't usually turn them down, I don't often but I need independence now
    I need
    It's OK to say no

    Please tell me it's OK to say No

    ___________
    Anon: :hugs: Please don't be ashamed. Understanding is the first step to acceptance and change, and you've already made it clear you want to change. Where there's a will there's a way!
    Think about what it means to you to not throw it up, to keep it down. What's so scary about that idea, what might happen?
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Finally managed to eat a donut and not feel guilty in front of my aunts!

    This one's incredibly hard for me because having been a bit of a chubby kid with a hearty appetite to say the least-especially at family meals-they assumed that was how I ate all the time. That was who I was, the nephew with a bottomless stomach.
    It got to a point where I thought I was hearing them making snarky 'oooh I'm [I]sooo [I]full, I couldn't possibly have another bite' remarks every time I went to the table.
    It was almost a fight against my nan who offers me breakfast, second breakfast, brunch and elevenses :P
    different ways of showing love, I understand.

    le', and went the complete other way to the point I thought a slice of cake was giving me heart disease and I'd be excusing myself from the table at my nan's, trying to dance it off in the bedroom after tea. Wow.
    Now I look at it and laugh. I must have been scared.
    But it was almost as if my aunts were approving of it :/ the new more 'controlled' me.

    I sympathise more with her as I realise she's been fighting depression for years, either clinical or at least in the sense so stressed by work, riddled with anxieties that she can't enjoy life properly, she struggles to let go. You can see the bags under her eyes and shaking hands sometimes.
    No surprise considering, I already knew that she'd had a struggle with her weight and self-esteem in her teenage years before I was born.
    (possibly some fear of acceptance since she came out, although she's now been in a happy civil partnership for five years )

    It's sad that she still looks longingly at a simple doughnut and pizza box even at her brother's birthday barbecue, but the fact that she can laugh at me trying to munch the jam without licking my lips of heap-loads of sugar was wonderful and maybe she just still needs time to face her own demons
    got me out of the dark headspace anyway!

    On the flipside of the coin, I want to go to the gym tomorrow, my gran and granddad have invited me out to lunch but I went a few days ago, politely declined. feel a little guilt but there's no need to, I did have them round for a cuppa today and go out with them last week. I think it's OK I say no. I can lead my own life, I think. Maybe.
    Still doubting but pretending it's ok right now.

    ___________
    Anon: :hugs: Please don't be ashamed. Understanding is the first step to acceptance and change, and you've already made it clear you want to change. Where there's a will there's a way!
    Think about what it means to you to not throw it up, to keep it down. What's so scary about that idea, what might happen?
    :hugs:
    Riku, you outlined an incredibly important point right now. You are making excuses to be disordered.

    That is a MASSIVE boon to your realisation and understanding of your disorder, you know!

    There is also a weird hypocrisy to how we view others. I now never see a girl as skinny, nor fat. I genuinely do not; they're meaningless notions to me now. If I'm with pals at a pub, and they do the manly nudge, the girl they're hinting at - she's insecure. I wonder why she chose to show so much skin? I hope she's not compensating for a....

    Wait. Wait, is THAT normal? This is what you, what WE, do. We try to evaluate our behaviour consistently. But in reality we are what we are, right? You and I keep comparing ourselves to the merits of others when we know fine well nothing is as consistent, as "normal", as that. I have personally been to a strip-club twice. The second time, I was in the throes of ED and I ended up chatting to one of the lovely girls about what she wanted to achieve in her life.

    Basically, we forget that everything from ambition to procrastination is subconscious. We should really just *do* things, not think so ****ing hard about things. We ruin the enjoyment of being alive by overthinking.

    Riku, what you've done is totally underpinned that you are unhappy that you feel compelled to both perpetuate and defy the notion you are "bottomless stomach Riku". You're NOT what they expect. You have to PROVE you're not what they're expecting. How DARE they assume who you are, right?!

    Riku, you've erred in the past and you've erred here. But I'm not dancing around the issue because you already know it. You know fine well that opting out of your wee Gran-Gramps tryst in favour of your mental disorder's insane notion of constant exercise is unhealthy and bizarre.

    One very effective therapy is the "Last Day on Earth" mental conditioning. It's not as the name implies though. Imagine it isn't YOUR last day on Earth. Imagine it's everyone ELSE's last day on earth. Your ED is outwardly portioned, it craves the approval of others - so assume that you want to please everyone else. Everyone else only has one day left. That's the way to think!

    So think about it. If your grandparents invited you for fun and food, would you turn them down on their "last day" to go "work out, brah"?

    It's so pointless, so meaningless, and absolutely - absolutely - affects nothing in the grand scheme of your entire life.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, you outlined an incredibly important point right now. You are making excuses to be disordered.

    That is a MASSIVE boon to your realisation and understanding of your disorder, you know!

    There is also a weird hypocrisy to how we view others. I now never see a girl as skinny, nor fat. I genuinely do not; they're meaningless notions to me now. If I'm with pals at a pub, and they do the manly nudge, the girl they're hinting at - she's insecure. I wonder why she chose to show so much skin? I hope she's not compensating for a....

    Wait. Wait, is THAT normal? This is what you, what WE, do. We try to evaluate our behaviour consistently. But in reality we are what we are, right? You and I keep comparing ourselves to the merits of others when we know fine well nothing is as consistent, as "normal", as that. I have personally been to a strip-club twice. The second time, I was in the throes of ED and I ended up chatting to one of the lovely girls about what she wanted to achieve in her life.

    Basically, we forget that everything from ambition to procrastination is subconscious. We should really just *do* things, not think so ****ing hard about things. We ruin the enjoyment of being alive by overthinking.

    Riku, what you've done is totally underpinned that you are unhappy that you feel compelled to both perpetuate and defy the notion you are "bottomless stomach Riku". You're NOT what they expect. You have to PROVE you're not what they're expecting. How DARE they assume who you are, right?!

    Riku, you've erred in the past and you've erred here. But I'm not dancing around the issue because you already know it. You know fine well that opting out of your wee Gran-Gramps tryst in favour of your mental disorder's insane notion of constant exercise is unhealthy and bizarre.

    One very effective therapy is the "Last Day on Earth" mental conditioning. It's not as the name implies though. Imagine it isn't YOUR last day on Earth. Imagine it's everyone ELSE's last day on earth. Your ED is outwardly portioned, it craves the approval of others - so assume that you want to please everyone else. Everyone else only has one day left. That's the way to think!

    So think about it. If your grandparents invited you for fun and food, would you turn them down on their "last day" to go "work out, brah"?

    It's so pointless, so meaningless, and absolutely - absolutely - affects nothing in the grand scheme of your entire life.
    Toto I understand what you're thinking but I just want to go to the gym, I kinda enjoy it and building it into my general life. It's not every day. I don't want to feel obliged to go out to eat just to please them, I know they love me and I love them too. Just as I don't have to see my girlfriend every day for her to know I care, or every day.
    I'm always pleasing everyone else. I want to be a selfish mush for once in my life. They know that, they understand that. They want me to be more selfish actually. I've talked to them about it. My mum does. She wants me to stop asking her permission whether I can go to the gym or who I can date or yes, whether I can have a tug of my Johnson. Deadly serious. It's hard for me
    If I thought that eating a tub of butter until I puked was going to please Mum I'd probably do it. I did the equivalent. It has been very extensively discussed that I need to stop pleasing people.

    I am sick of waiting to make my move in life based off what other people are doing and I mean this with the utmost respect but this is my life and I'll spend it how I please.
    Granted if Grandma and Granddad die tomorrow I'm probably never coming back to the thread from the utter shame of being such a nasty shgit.
    • #43
    #43

    I can't even say the reason I ended up having to take Fluoxetine, suffice to say if I thought my family would like it if I'd hypothetically jump off a cliff I might very well do it, and I've been told that's er, not good. Not good at all.
    • #43
    #43

    It's not going to be their last day on earth and I've been told to really stop thinking of life that way considering I spent two years thinking I was dying and crying over nothing
    • #43
    #43

    Oh my god they're going to die. THEY'RE GOING TO DIE.I'M A MONSTER BB
    I feel godawful. I can't sleep. I'm in the kictehn eating. I have to eat now, I have to stay awake how dare I give myself choice
    • #43
    #43

    I'm turning this off before this turns into massive melodrama but I am feeling crippling shame for choosing
    Toto you ahve a point. I should give my life for my grandparents the way they have mine
    How am I so heartless
    • #43
    #43

    I'm sorry Toto that wasn't your fault. But clearly my self-sabotage mechanism kicked in after I started feeling I would disappoint my grandparents by going :/

    So tired oh dear
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm sorry Toto that wasn't your fault. But clearly my self-sabotage mechanism kicked in after I started feeling I would disappoint my grandparents by going :/

    So tired oh dear
    I am worried about you at the moment, you sound like you're struggling an awful lot. I hope you're not offended by me saying that, as I realise I don't really know you, but you seem very a very nice person and from your threads lately you don't seem happy at all.

    How are you doing at the moment?

    [As an aside, do what makes you happy...but what makes you genuinely happy. If you want to go to the gym because you enjoy it, that is perfectly fine. Enjoying life is what it's all about. If you want to go to the gym at the risk of your health, that is another story.]
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    Whoa, whoa, Riku, I'm regretting having gone to bed when I did; you clearly took an intense panic attack last night.

    It was a hypothetical mindset therapy. Your family DOES have more than one day left on this earth, I'm not saying to throw yourself on the pyre as a self-sacrifice or something! I'm saying that we are so inwardly-focused by inherent nature of our illnesses that we continuously worry about how we appear in both physicality and mentality to others, when 99/100 times, nobody has even considered those aspects of you.

    I'm not suggesting you live a life of acting or LITERALLY acting out the therapies I've researched; I would rather you simply consider them like you would, say, the Bible - even an atheist can read the bible and find a wealth of moral and etiquette boons you should use in your life - even if you can't believe a talking snake used poisoned fruit to dupe a woman made out of a man's rib in a LITERAL sense, the notions, the ideals, the morals are all still important.

    I think if nothing else, this is incredibly eye-opening for both myself and you. It seems you certainly aren't as progressed as you'd had yourself believe, with your own mental recovery. But that's no insult or injury to you, and certainly not a negative. You're full of turmoil and torment at the minute and I certainly scratched a raw nerve when it came to the relationship with your close family. It implies you are still craving their approval; and this is impelling your mental disorders in at least, SOME part.

    I want you to rest your mind and perhaps consider Olanzepine (if you are not already on it), or ask your doctor to up the dose; it is an antipsychotic drug designed to stymie those erratic, conflicting "panic" thoughts that do us harm.
 
 
 
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