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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Toto I understand what you're thinking but I just want to go to the gym, I kinda enjoy it and building it into my general life. It's not every day. I don't want to feel obliged to go out to eat just to please them, I know they love me and I love them too. Just as I don't have to see my girlfriend every day for her to know I care, or every day.
    I'm always pleasing everyone else. I want to be a selfish mush for once in my life. They know that, they understand that. They want me to be more selfish actually. I've talked to them about it. My mum does. She wants me to stop asking her permission whether I can go to the gym or who I can date or yes, whether I can have a tug of my Johnson. Deadly serious. It's hard for me
    If I thought that eating a tub of butter until I puked was going to please Mum I'd probably do it. I did the equivalent. It has been very extensively discussed that I need to stop pleasing people.

    I am sick of waiting to make my move in life based off what other people are doing and I mean this with the utmost respect but this is my life and I'll spend it how I please.
    Granted if Grandma and Granddad die tomorrow I'm probably never coming back to the thread from the utter shame of being such a nasty shgit.
    Riku, it's FINE to say no. We're not obliged to always see people. It's good that you're managing to conquer your fears but so long as you're going to the gym and working out sensibly, I don't see the problem. If you always go to see people, you'll forget who you are. As you said, you need time to be selfish. A lot of your posts and feelings indicate that you're too concerned with other people. Maybe that's what has driven the ED and you need some time to just be you.

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    Mum bought me peak gym access at the s****iest gym ever. I'm very pleased. I don't care about the number on the scales. I badgered her because I simply have put on too much weight due to revision munchies that I can't fit in some of my beloved clothes. I was so upset when I got out the dress I wanted to wear for the ball and couldn't zip it up. Time to get healthy! I'm just glad the ED taught me what I was doing wrong and how to lose weight sensibly. Everything in moderation, guys!
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    Thanks for the support,Toto, Liv, Jazzy. Means a lot guys
    Having had at least a little rest I've realised I came over in a panic. I knew it was just a hypothetical question about Grandma and Granddad dyiing but for whatever reason made myself empathise on an absurdly deep level and my emotions got the best of me.

    Taking into account all your ideas the main reasons are:

    a) I thought it was black-or-white, I either go out with my grandparents and just completely give up on my workout regime, or go to the gym and disown my family. It hadn't occurred to me that I could well, do both? Go before seeing them, or after, or tomorrow? Simple things but you forget once your mind takes over.

    b) which means I'm still obsessed with fitness culture. Still.

    If I came across as ever thinking I was near full recovery then I'm sorry, I know that's too good to be true haha!

    No surprises there really, my biggest hobbies atm are gym, fitspo pages/images as 'motivation', which are both obsessive in mind if not action (I don't think I'm going too much, but thinking about that aspect of my life wayyyy too much!) I check myself in the mirror much more than is necessary too. Then it's probably helping other people both in real life and on boards (which I mostly feel better but not always feel I have a choice about), music (but only sort of half-listening because I 'have to' go help other people or attend to other things so don't fully appreciate it) and the Internet (which is still a little addictive).
    All my efforts in the gym, in moulding the best possible version of myself (physically and mentally), are currently really amounting to feeling a brief sense of pride then idly passing the day by sitting around the computer lamenting how everybody else is cooler than me/has a life (based off Facebook posts of all things. Yeesh :rolleyes:)
    It's great to have a positive ideal to strive towards rather than control through restriction and emaciation but not if it still gets in the way of your actual life.

    c) Yes there definitely does seem to be a need to please others which makes me tend towards self-neglect. I guess gym-time is me-time then. It's almost waving a middle finger at other people trying to get more time off me! I obviously feel threatened in my choices of how to spend my free time.

    I wouldn't say my social life is lacking, I've got plenty of good friends, several I'm very close to and can trust with anything, and my relationship's going strong. I'd say I'm really not making the most of my own time which that could explain some of my ongoing social anxiety and feeling I've got nothing to say...?

    Looks like this is a wake-up call to show me I'm on the right road but I'm still prone to fall into the old traps, and to change that I need to really work on my time management and concept of balance

    Could be completely wrong, but that's what it feels like.
    So today I'm knackered, did just semi-binge at 3AM last night, passed out at 5 after shaming msyelf with the fitspo, woke about 9 and I might as well go see my gran and granddad after all :P
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    I'll give the Olanzepine a look thanks




    (Original post by Liv1204)
    I am worried about you at the moment, you sound like you're struggling an awful lot. I hope you're not offended by me saying that, as I realise I don't really know you, but you seem very a very nice person and from your threads lately you don't seem happy at all.

    How are you doing at the moment?

    [As an aside, do what makes you happy...but what makes you genuinely happy. If you want to go to the gym because you enjoy it, that is perfectly fine. Enjoying life is what it's all about. If you want to go to the gym at the risk of your health, that is another story.]
    Generally speaking I'm great thanks. I feel wonderful with my OH. There's always room for improvement though and my obsession/anxiety is making me feel a bit worn out and down at times so it needs work
    I enjoy gym but equally I enjoy having a bite and catching up with my Gramps. All in moderation right?
    How are you?



    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Riku, it's FINE to say no. We're not obliged to always see people. It's good that you're managing to conquer your fears but so long as you're going to the gym and working out sensibly, I don't see the problem. If you always go to see people, you'll forget who you are. As you said, you need time to be selfish. A lot of your posts and feelings indicate that you're too concerned with other people. Maybe that's what has driven the ED and you need some time to just be you.

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    Mum bought me peak gym access at the s****iest gym ever. I'm very pleased. I don't care about the number on the scales. I badgered her because I simply have put on too much weight due to revision munchies that I can't fit in some of my beloved clothes. I was so upset when I got out the dress I wanted to wear for the ball and couldn't zip it up. Time to get healthy! I'm just glad the ED taught me what I was doing wrong and how to lose weight sensibly. Everything in moderation, guys!
    I'm definitely thinking the stuff about needing more me-time over thanks
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    Hope you have a wonderful ball and remember we humans are beautiful as we are. If you do choose to get fit then that's fine but make sure you practice what you preach, Jazzy! And I'll try to do the same :P

    :hugs:
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    Hi, I have never posted on the thread before but like many others I have silently followed it for quite a while and I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU. I want to thank everyone who posts on this thread and offers such much help and advice to anyone suffering from their own ED – I want you all to know that you certainly help far more people than you may think, and you have certainly supported me immensely with my own recovery process.

    Unfortunately my ED began last year due to, what I think, was a combination of severe stress from trying to get into Medical School and my own unrelenting perfectionism. By Christmas I had realised what a devastating effect my disordered eating had on my own body, my family and my own sanity. It was then that I started looking for help in any form and I was overjoyed to find this thread. It was the continual support and advice from this thread that gave me the confidence to look for professional help for my ED and to start on the turbulent road towards recovery.

    So that is where I am today, I am certainly not fully recovered (I have to admit I do still find a tub of Ben and Jerry’s quite daunting) but I am in the early stages. Already I have noticed so many benefits; I do not feel as fatigued throughout the day, I am not as irritable, my hair is shiner and not as thin and I don’t feel as cold as I used to. But most of all I am so much happier; I can now enjoy spending time with family and friends instead of being almost terrified of them. It is all these things that have made me realise that I never want to return to my old disordered habits that caused me to wear a scarf in May and feel dizzy just standing up – I just want keep moving forward and continue to love my life again.
    • #185
    #185

    Still a pretty avid stalker of this thread. It's nice to see people's everyday coping strategies on a more normal level than some of the calorie focused sites.
    I've finally re-restarted recovery. Still not quite sure what I count as, as I'm not hideously disordered as I was last time round at all, but still have the low enough weight and struggling with fearfoods. Anyway, taking one day at a time - only one exam left tomorrow then I can stop stressing over fitting into my prom dress (not like I'm going to gain a stone in a day anyway is it ) and focus more on upping my intake.

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
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    Mum bought me peak gym access at the ****iest gym ever. I'm very pleased. I don't care about the number on the scales. I badgered her because I simply have put on too much weight due to revision munchies that I can't fit in some of my beloved clothes. I was so upset when I got out the dress I wanted to wear for the ball and couldn't zip it up. Time to get healthy! I'm just glad the ED taught me what I was doing wrong and how to lose weight sensibly. Everything in moderation, guys!
    Hahaha, I see you're in Exeter too so I have a pretty good idea what gym this is as I do go fairly regularly. If it is the same.. you learn to love it.
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    Didn't mean to go anon above!
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    (Original post by MasterDoig)
    Hi, I have never posted on the thread before but like many others I have silently followed it for quite a while and I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU. I want to thank everyone who posts on this thread and offers such much help and advice to anyone suffering from their own ED – I want you all to know that you certainly help far more people than you may think, and you have certainly supported me immensely with my own recovery process.

    Unfortunately my ED began last year due to, what I think, was a combination of severe stress from trying to get into Medical School and my own unrelenting perfectionism. By Christmas I had realised what a devastating effect my disordered eating had on my own body, my family and my own sanity. It was then that I started looking for help in any form and I was overjoyed to find this thread. It was the continual support and advice from this thread that gave me the confidence to look for professional help for my ED and to start on the turbulent road towards recovery.

    So that is where I am today, I am certainly not fully recovered (I have to admit I do still find a tub of Ben and Jerry’s quite daunting) but I am in the early stages. Already I have noticed so many benefits; I do not feel as fatigued throughout the day, I am not as irritable, my hair is shiner and not as thin and I don’t feel as cold as I used to. But most of all I am so much happier; I can now enjoy spending time with family and friends instead of being almost terrified of them. It is all these things that have made me realise that I never want to return to my old disordered habits that caused me to wear a scarf in May and feel dizzy just standing up – I just want keep moving forward and continue to love my life again.

    A dizzying level of pride for your story. Personally, I think that it's never too late to speak up on this thread, to say which stage you're at in your disorder and your rate of recovery. But even the "recovered" souls even say that it never truly leaves; life just gets sweeter, more managed, more... like a life, less like an existence.

    If your life starts to feel like a checklist, say - that's when you NEED to act. "Need to do X workout, NEED to eat only Y calories, NEED to..."

    If you could imagine an alcoholic waking up and saying, "Okay, I NEED a drink at 12, I NEED a drink at 3, and I NEED to make sure I buy more drink by EXACTLY 6pm, or else I'll go nuts" - you'd be really concerned for THEM, wouldn't you? It's that need for structure that's the root of our illness and any attempt to break that mentality is a boon to your recovery.

    But Doig my man, your idiosyncrasies and my own ring similarly so it resounds well with me. You are welcome on here and posts like these are incredibly important here; it proves that the thread need not be merely the first port of call for when you take an anxiety attack, but rather the place you go for inspiration on how to change your life for the better.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    A dizzying level of pride for your story. Personally, I think that it's never too late to speak up on this thread, to say which stage you're at in your disorder and your rate of recovery. But even the "recovered" souls even say that it never truly leaves; life just gets sweeter, more managed, more... like a life, less like an existence.

    If your life starts to feel like a checklist, say - that's when you NEED to act. "Need to do X workout, NEED to eat only Y calories, NEED to..."

    If you could imagine an alcoholic waking up and saying, "Okay, I NEED a drink at 12, I NEED a drink at 3, and I NEED to make sure I buy more drink by EXACTLY 6pm, or else I'll go nuts" - you'd be really concerned for THEM, wouldn't you? It's that need for structure that's the root of our illness and any attempt to break that mentality is a boon to your recovery.

    But Doig my man, your idiosyncrasies and my own ring similarly so it resounds well with me. You are welcome on here and posts like these are incredibly important here; it proves that the thread need not be merely the first port of call for when you take an anxiety attack, but rather the place you go for inspiration on how to change your life for the better.
    Thank you very much Toto; I would hope that with the help of this thread and every one on it, along with the great support I have already received from my support team, that one day I may be able to achieve that overly-glorified goal of ‘a normal life’.

    I believe that I just need to keep challenging my illogical thoughts – I need to tell myself that having an extra biscuit is not going to damage my life in any way and that I should just enjoy it. But I am taking baby steps at the moment; what today is an extra biscuit maybe hopefully lead to an extra slice of cake tomorrow.
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    And at the same time, your goal isn't just "eat more", and that's the issue. It's "being more flippant", and by nature, we are not a flippant people.

    "Ach, just have the beer I bought you, you're out now."

    POSSIBLE RESPONSES:

    A) "...er, sorry, I can't, you drink it, haha. You know I'm busy tomorrow..."
    B) "...That pint is actually 229 calories. I'm afraid that's not been accounted for in my specific requirement diary."
    C) "You ***stard, you know I have to get YOU one, now eh?"
    D) "Dude, you know if I drink any more, I'm going to show you all I've drunk tonight, eh?"

    Of course, both A and B are the same, Anorexic, Body Dysmorphic, ED-response. B might sound far more obvious than A, but they're both pertaining to the same notion. Getting out of it. Getting AWAY from the calories, from the intake, from the excess. C is what a fun-loving chap would say - sure, he might be rotund, or careless or whatever. But he is happy. D is probably the only truly descriptive and honest answer and sadly, it's often followed by vomit.

    Of course, I'm focusing on the A and B answers here. The way we as ED-sufferers handle dilemmas other people would take as "oh, cool bro" situations.

    "You were at the toilet and we're all starving so we just ordered you a burger and beer."
    Does that statement make you freak the hell out? Even now, it shivers my timbers, and though I'm clearly not in the same state I was, that sends me alarm bells. I am not healed, I am not ready, I am not alive. But a half-life is better than a bubble of NO-life that the ED created for me.

    It's all baby steps. It's all fight. X
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    (Original post by shaylux)
    Didn't mean to go anon above!
    LOL well I've moved back home for summer. I do love Exeter though. The new gym looks good
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    Bleurgh. I feel so low right now. Exams are over, which means my summer holidays have started. I've spent the past 2 summers in hospital, and I am terrified that the same is going to happen again... The anxiety of exam results/getting into uni is going to make this summer a lot harder too, plus the fact that I have to gain weight to be able to pass the OH assessment for uni... Yeah. Just really, really low tonight.
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    Gnome, this will sound like a one-upmanship job but it's just to put it in perspective.

    I personally have been to the hospital today and my cartilage wastage is 71% total. I have pelvic skeletal debris grinding in my hip joints. I am in agony walking. But I am nearly BMI 19, and still scared.

    This is something that never disappears, this fear. You can keep see-sawing back and forward forever but you'll just end up like me - I'm 28 and I have almost a negative point five on the dexascan (zero is normal, negative one is osteoporosis you'd expect in an elderly lady of 75).

    Your body degrades at an incredible rate when fasting and self-harming as we do. In fact, I was once told that "Your body is a castle, a fortress, for your being. When you harm it, your castle turns to ruins. Think how quickly it takes for mortar to ruin a castle. Now, does it take quite so long to rebuild a castle before the next mortar comes? No! Your "repairs" are long and arduous. If the next mortar comes before that wall is fully rebuilt, just imagine the damage..."
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    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Bleurgh. I feel so low right now. Exams are over, which means my summer holidays have started. I've spent the past 2 summers in hospital, and I am terrified that the same is going to happen again... The anxiety of exam results/getting into uni is going to make this summer a lot harder too, plus the fact that I have to gain weight to be able to pass the OH assessment for uni... Yeah. Just really, really low tonight.
    you can do this chick. I know its scary and difficult and that theres this little voice in your head that says 'you definitely havent done well enough on your last exam to get that A you needed', but even if you have missed your offer it doesnt mean they'll automatically reject you. Also pro tip: don't look at the grade boundries the night before, you will end up nearly throwing up your intestines in sheer fear...
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    Not much activity positive nor negative on here as of late. I'm just eager to hear how everyone is getting on this past week, so let me know guys. Much love!
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    I'm going to spoiler it for if anyone's feeling a bit vulnerable

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    Had a bit of a dip. Family had a big get together with dinner and I didn't go because of frustrations with not loosing any weight on a (calorie spoiler)
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    1200 calorie intake
    . I have to face the fact that, as I am unable to warm my body up at all (shivering right now under a duvet), and cannot loose weight, my thyroid may have gotten worse (it was borderline this time last year). Having a slight panic attack at the thought that I may literally have no control over my weight. I've also been, every 3 days or so, having some dissociation/depersonalisation which Toto has kindly provided me with some insight into.

    I don't know what my problem is with going along to register with a GP surgery, feeling like i'm not ill enough? Seems pretty typical.
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    Cinnie, you won't lose weight on that. In fact you're more likely to GAIN weight at that paltry amount. And if I hear ANYONE saying they're not "ill enough", man or woman, young or old, you're going to get a boot right in the tenderest region of your bony rump.

    Your body is on alert-red retention mode from being starved, and the fact you're overtly and actively CHOOSING to starve it just proves how ill your thoughts are.

    Remember. Boot is coming, so sort it out lass!
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    The thing is, this is the amount that is recommended by the weight loss community and it's over double the amount I used to have when I used to restrict .. so I feel like it's a 'healthy' amount.

    I know that I shouldn't even be thinking about doing this seeing as it wasn't long ago that I was diagnosed with anorexia.

    I hate the 'not ill enough' thing too, and I completely know that it's not true or logical, it's just how it feels. But yeah, it's actually probably just me taking the easy way out in terms of going through a doctors appointment.

    :hugs:
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    sjfjbfebj ^
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
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    I suppose it doesn't help that my sister has eaten nothing but juice for 7 days (a stupid detox fad), and my mum thinks that an apple constitutes a good lunch...
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    Cinnie honey, calorific deficit or none, the main thing which strikes me about the last few posts is you've started focussing everything onto food and weight again! Watch out!
    You say the juice detox is a stupid fad-what makes the logic (or emotion) of avoiding family in case you go 'overboard' on your calorie allowance so justified then?
    You don't have to be going to extreme lengths to gain or maintain, but by and large we should not be pursuing weight loss or even dare I say, body recomposition 'transformation' a la athletes and bodybuilders (cough* RIKU *cough) unless we can guarantee we won't let it consume our thoughts and actions.
    It's always going to be one of the hard parts of recovery, thinking you can somehow get the 'perks' of the ED (thinking you look better, for example) while monitoring to make. It's a dangerous tightrope walk. I'm not saying it has to be quite black and white as suffering ED or having the daily luxury of pleasuring yourself to kingdom come-you don't have to be consciously avoiding the gym or buying a litre of ice cream to drown in every day-but if you lean to restriction the balance will always be slightly skewed to that side. You're inviting relapse, basically.


    Just be careful, ok? You've come far the last couple of years and we here care for you too much to let you do anything stupid :hugs:
    :hugs:
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    I'm going to spoiler it for if anyone's feeling a bit vulnerable

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    Had a bit of a dip. Family had a big get together with dinner and I didn't go because of frustrations with not loosing any weight on a (calorie spoiler)
    Spoiler:
    Show
    1200 calorie intake
    . I have to face the fact that, as I am unable to warm my body up at all (shivering right now under a duvet), and cannot loose weight, my thyroid may have gotten worse (it was borderline this time last year). Having a slight panic attack at the thought that I may literally have no control over my weight. I've also been, every 3 days or so, having some dissociation/depersonalisation which Toto has kindly provided me with some insight into.

    I don't know what my problem is with going along to register with a GP surgery, feeling like i'm not ill enough? Seems pretty typical.
    babes, if you're having episodes where you don't feel like you're in your own body and it isnt induced by having a full can of monster/ relentless et al, that is not a good thing, and GET YOUR ASS TO THE DOCTORS, OTHERWISE I'LL GET IT THERE FOR YOU.

    did anyone else watch don't call me crazy on BBC3?
 
 
 
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