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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Blargh. Stupid anon.
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    Snow - I would love you to kick my ass all the way to the doctors, I am so avoidant it's frustrating.

    PS. As soon as it's on I player i'll be watching it

    (Original post by Riku)
    x
    Thank you so much for your support :hugs:
    Spoiler:
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    I 100% know that right now, I absolutely don't want to be underweight or even near, so that hasn't changed, but yes I am definitely putting an unhealthy amount of mental energy into food and weight. Relapse is the last thing I want to do, but I don't think I lean towards restriction naturally, seeing as my pre-ed body has always leaned towards BMI 23-26, and that's why I have such distrust in myself in terms of letting go even a little.

    I am putting way to much emphasis into weight. I need to make healthy distractions and hobbies a priority


    How have you been?
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    You know guys, mum and I had a great talk on perspective today. It made me smile because it was inherently profound, not in our speakings but what we came out with.

    I explained that I have numbers. I just use numbers. I don't care how I reach said numbers, but I do. And it's a control thing. If the doctor says "3000", I go to that number. If he says "1000" (though Christ knows why anyone would be THAT cruel) I probably would figure a way.

    She asked me about going to lunch, and I said I still get a freakout. Why, though?

    "I just need to calculate."

    It made me think - I am still in this place where I need to calculate everything. Even if it's to an amount that's healthy, or incredibly high, I can't just put down my pen and go somewhere. I need a minute, an hour, a week - just enough time to fathom how many numbers are in it.

    "You're not better at all, then, are you son?"
    "I am better, but I'm not well, mum."

    Some people eat a McDonalds every week. Some people get a chippy tea every week. I was raised in an environment where you RESPECT TREATS. Respect treat teas, respect the dinners that cost a bit extra. Nowadays there are some people that have takeaways every week - sometimes, many times a week - and I can't fathom that. It's not inherent in me. I don't mind having one - I ENJOY a chippy - but I now need to quantify it. A fish supper is about 1050 calories on average, and I will happily factor that into my routine, but only with due warning. I realised I am not yet able to just "have one".

    "So you're not coming out for lunch today then, son?"
    "I mean, it depends where we're going."

    It depends if I know what's the number of everything... or not.

    My family are so incredibly amazing that I cannot fathom a life without their support. But this has only happened because I was so open with them. Being secretive and keeping things with the people you love only leads to heartache, and if the people you love can't act accordingly, it echoes upon you.

    I am better. But I am not well.

    Remember that, guys - it's something that resounds within us all.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Snow - I would love you to kick my ass all the way to the doctors, I am so avoidant it's frustrating.

    PS. As soon as it's on I player i'll be watching it



    Thank you so much for your support :hugs:
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I 100% know that right now, I absolutely don't want to be underweight or even near, so that hasn't changed, but yes I am definitely putting an unhealthy amount of mental energy into food and weight. Relapse is the last thing I want to do, but I don't think I lean towards restriction naturally, seeing as my pre-ed body has always leaned towards BMI 23-26, and that's why I have such distrust in myself in terms of letting go even a little.

    I am putting way to much emphasis into weight. I need to make healthy distractions and hobbies a priority


    How have you been?
    Hobbies sounds the way forward. I've been ODing on old game soundtracks (Kingdom Hearts and Crash Bandicoot today, no surprise there :P)
    I'm OK thanks. I've had a really nice day with my gf but then got home, needed to look through careers forms, never expected to be able to go pub with some friends (didn't really want to I'm no longer that close to thtme), half-heartedly said I'd go but would be late then backed out at the last min , now they're accusing me of blowing them off for my 'bird' ¬ ¬

    which is all fine because it distracts from my mini-binge which was based around the premise I was scared Mum would see me eating chocolate in the house again and would start buying multipacks so thought I had to eat it all in one go. I'm thinking of a real issue rather than a disordered one which is a step in the right direction

    Everything been going ok aside from this? :hugs:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You know guys, mum and I had a great talk on perspective today. It made me smile because it was inherently profound, not in our speakings but what we came out with.

    I explained that I have numbers. I just use numbers. I don't care how I reach said numbers, but I do. And it's a control thing. If the doctor says "3000", I go to that number. If he says "1000" (though Christ knows why anyone would be THAT cruel) I probably would figure a way.

    She asked me about going to lunch, and I said I still get a freakout. Why, though?

    "I just need to calculate."

    It made me think - I am still in this place where I need to calculate everything. Even if it's to an amount that's healthy, or incredibly high, I can't just put down my pen and go somewhere. I need a minute, an hour, a week - just enough time to fathom how many numbers are in it.

    "You're not better at all, then, are you son?"
    "I am better, but I'm not well, mum."

    Some people eat a McDonalds every week. Some people get a chippy tea every week. I was raised in an environment where you RESPECT TREATS. Respect treat teas, respect the dinners that cost a bit extra. Nowadays there are some people that have takeaways every week - sometimes, many times a week - and I can't fathom that. It's not inherent in me. I don't mind having one - I ENJOY a chippy - but I now need to quantify it. A fish supper is about 1050 calories on average, and I will happily factor that into my routine, but only with due warning. I realised I am not yet able to just "have one".

    "So you're not coming out for lunch today then, son?"
    "I mean, it depends where we're going."

    It depends if I know what's the number of everything... or not.

    My family are so incredibly amazing that I cannot fathom a life without their support. But this has only happened because I was so open with them. Being secretive and keeping things with the people you love only leads to heartache, and if the people you love can't act accordingly, it echoes upon you.

    I am better. But I am not well.

    Remember that, guys - it's something that resounds within us all.
    I used to be like exactly this with numbers. As long as I knew what it was, so I could work it out in my head, the type of food or place was pretty irrelevant. Then I decided to let go of numbers, I took products out of their packaging and threw it away after doing the weekly shop, just so I wouldn't look. It was very hard at first but it made my life so much easier in the long run. Now when a friend says, where to for lunch? I can say, anywhere, you choose! Sure, I'll still probably pick the healthiest thing on the menu but Rome wasn't built in a day.
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Snow - I would love you to kick my ass all the way to the doctors, I am so avoidant it's frustrating.

    PS. As soon as it's on I player i'll be watching it


    How have you been?
    i'm equally as avoidant about going to the doctors. i keep pulling the 'it'll be a 2 week wait' bull**** on my flatmates/ myself as to why i havent been re: my anxiety.

    if you're in a bad place mentally cinnie, i'd advise you not to watch it. the first episode focusses on two girls, one has AN. Diet coke - need i say more?
    • #180
    #180

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Gnome, this will sound like a one-upmanship job but it's just to put it in perspective.

    I personally have been to the hospital today and my cartilage wastage is 71% total. I have pelvic skeletal debris grinding in my hip joints. I am in agony walking. But I am nearly BMI 19, and still scared.

    This is something that never disappears, this fear. You can keep see-sawing back and forward forever but you'll just end up like me - I'm 28 and I have almost a negative point five on the dexascan (zero is normal, negative one is osteoporosis you'd expect in an elderly lady of 75).

    Your body degrades at an incredible rate when fasting and self-harming as we do. In fact, I was once told that "Your body is a castle, a fortress, for your being. When you harm it, your castle turns to ruins. Think how quickly it takes for mortar to ruin a castle. Now, does it take quite so long to rebuild a castle before the next mortar comes? No! Your "repairs" are long and arduous. If the next mortar comes before that wall is fully rebuilt, just imagine the damage..."

    Thank you for your reply. Sorry for not replying back, I’m not in a great place right now. I know you’re right, I need a good kick up the arse to get back into recovery mode, but the underlying/contributing issues are very unbalanced right now so I am completely shattered, emotionally and physically. I’m sorry that your ED has left such debilitating destruction :hugs:

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    you can do this chick. I know its scary and difficult and that theres this little voice in your head that says 'you definitely havent done well enough on your last exam to get that A you needed', but even if you have missed your offer it doesnt mean they'll automatically reject you. Also pro tip: don't look at the grade boundries the night before, you will end up nearly throwing up your intestines in sheer fear...
    Thank you for your kind words. I have convinced myself that I haven’t met my offer and it’s doing my head in... But I’m trying to distract myself, but finding ways of coping healthily is something which has yielded little success previously...

    I have restarted seeing my psychologist again, and she’s set me a couple of tasks; a mood diary, and a ‘mind-map’ of my relationships. It’s bringing me down a little to be honest; seeing how few people I actually have in my life. Anorexia/bulimia/depression/whatever other issues I’ve had had severely reduced my social circle.
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    ^^ Was me, hate auto-anon
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    Having a tough time, not necessarily with an ED but with depression and I know a lot of you guys can sympathise.

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    My parents made me move back home over the summer despite the fact that I had a job back at uni. Now I've had to quit that and I'm in a run-down, ghettoish area and I'm unemployed. This means spending all my time (bar the odd couple of meetings with friends and my trips to the gym) at home with my parents. My parents actually make my depression worse. I've been home just over a week and all I seem to do is cry. I'm depressed about my circumstances and I don't really know how to cope.

    The other annoying thing is my dad. He seems to be a bit of a feeder, despite the whole anorexia. Since I've come home he's just been trying to feed me everything (mostly deep-fried too), even things I don't like, even though I am trying to lose the post-exam weight that I put on (which mum is fully supporting as I can't fit into some of my lovely clothes -- it's not the number on the scales for me, it's whether my clothes fit or not). Also, he's been drinking a lot more since I came back because it seems he can't handle the fact that he doesn't have my mum's undivided attention any more. He's been verbally abusive and seems to have gone back to alcoholism because of my return...even though I never wanted to come back and it was ultimately his decision, being the breadwinner.


    Sorry guys. I just want to cry.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Having a tough time, not necessarily with an ED but with depression and I know a lot of you guys can sympathise.

    Spoiler:
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    My parents made me move back home over the summer despite the fact that I had a job back at uni. Now I've had to quit that and I'm in a run-down, ghettoish area and I'm unemployed. This means spending all my time (bar the odd couple of meetings with friends and my trips to the gym) at home with my parents. My parents actually make my depression worse. I've been home just over a week and all I seem to do is cry. I'm depressed about my circumstances and I don't really know how to cope.

    The other annoying thing is my dad. He seems to be a bit of a feeder, despite the whole anorexia. Since I've come home he's just been trying to feed me everything (mostly deep-fried too), even things I don't like, even though I am trying to lose the post-exam weight that I put on (which mum is fully supporting as I can't fit into some of my lovely clothes -- it's not the number on the scales for me, it's whether my clothes fit or not). Also, he's been drinking a lot more since I came back because it seems he can't handle the fact that he doesn't have my mum's undivided attention any more. He's been verbally abusive and seems to have gone back to alcoholism because of my return...even though I never wanted to come back and it was ultimately his decision, being the breadwinner.


    Sorry guys. I just want to cry.
    -hugggging-
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    x.
    :hugs: I know how you feel. I moved back for a whole year and although it's given me the time to work on things, my family fuel my depression sometimes. The main thing is that you're doing nothing wrong and it's really not long now until you can be free again :hugs:
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    fsfs ^
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Having a tough time, not necessarily with an ED but with depression and I know a lot of you guys can sympathise.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    My parents made me move back home over the summer despite the fact that I had a job back at uni. Now I've had to quit that and I'm in a run-down, ghettoish area and I'm unemployed. This means spending all my time (bar the odd couple of meetings with friends and my trips to the gym) at home with my parents. My parents actually make my depression worse. I've been home just over a week and all I seem to do is cry. I'm depressed about my circumstances and I don't really know how to cope.

    The other annoying thing is my dad. He seems to be a bit of a feeder, despite the whole anorexia. Since I've come home he's just been trying to feed me everything (mostly deep-fried too), even things I don't like, even though I am trying to lose the post-exam weight that I put on (which mum is fully supporting as I can't fit into some of my lovely clothes -- it's not the number on the scales for me, it's whether my clothes fit or not). Also, he's been drinking a lot more since I came back because it seems he can't handle the fact that he doesn't have my mum's undivided attention any more. He's been verbally abusive and seems to have gone back to alcoholism because of my return...even though I never wanted to come back and it was ultimately his decision, being the breadwinner.


    Sorry guys. I just want to cry.
    Sorry I can't help much :/
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Really you need to ask yourself if you're comfortable staying there. You're old enough to go to uni, so you're old enough to live in your own place if you want, Jazzy. Your parents can't force you, especially since you had a job.
    Re: your dad it sounds like he's dealing with his own issues which you are NOT responsible for. If he needs to drink to deal with the fact his wife loves her daughter, that's his problem and he has to deal with his feelings of jealousy and neediness.
    I'd understand you want to help but for your sake I think it's best to keep out of it and focus on yourself and your mum. When you feel strong enough and he's not going to fuel your depression, then you could try and give him some support.
    As for feeding you things you're not a fan of, you've got every right to say 'no thanks, I don't even like X!'

    We're here if you ever have a bad day :hugs:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :


    Thank you for your kind words. I have convinced myself that I haven’t met my offer and it’s doing my head in... But I’m trying to distract myself, but finding ways of coping healthily is something which has yielded little success previously...

    I have restarted seeing my psychologist again, and she’s set me a couple of tasks; a mood diary, and a ‘mind-map’ of my relationships. It’s bringing me down a little to be honest; seeing how few people I actually have in my life. Anorexia/bulimia/depression/whatever other issues I’ve had had severely reduced my social circle.
    -hugs-. This will sound funny, but buy yourself a colouring book and some nice crayons. Colouring in is about the only thing i can focus on when im nervous. Even if you HAVE missed it, it doesn't mean your firm choice will go no, we don't want her.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -hugs-. This will sound funny, but buy yourself a colouring book and some nice crayons. Colouring in is about the only thing i can focus on when im nervous. Even if you HAVE missed it, it doesn't mean your firm choice will go no, we don't want her.
    Colour by numbers; awesome. Just saying. I thought it was only me!
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Having a tough time, not necessarily with an ED but with depression and I know a lot of you guys can sympathise.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    My parents made me move back home over the summer despite the fact that I had a job back at uni. Now I've had to quit that and I'm in a run-down, ghettoish area and I'm unemployed. This means spending all my time (bar the odd couple of meetings with friends and my trips to the gym) at home with my parents. My parents actually make my depression worse. I've been home just over a week and all I seem to do is cry. I'm depressed about my circumstances and I don't really know how to cope.

    The other annoying thing is my dad. He seems to be a bit of a feeder, despite the whole anorexia. Since I've come home he's just been trying to feed me everything (mostly deep-fried too), even things I don't like, even though I am trying to lose the post-exam weight that I put on (which mum is fully supporting as I can't fit into some of my lovely clothes -- it's not the number on the scales for me, it's whether my clothes fit or not). Also, he's been drinking a lot more since I came back because it seems he can't handle the fact that he doesn't have my mum's undivided attention any more. He's been verbally abusive and seems to have gone back to alcoholism because of my return...even though I never wanted to come back and it was ultimately his decision, being the breadwinner.


    Sorry guys. I just want to cry.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    My dad is an alcoholic and it was only exacerbated by the doctors insisting I be in close proximity to him or my mother to watch over me during the recovery period. It also meant in my late twenties I was back... living with one of my parents. Truly humiliating to begin with, but the fact I've caused the people I love most to be burdened by my problems too, and that it is in fact causing them MORE stress (we're a relatively poor family but close-knit) is giving me a great onus to get better quicker, and when stuff like my crumbling bones stops that, it forms a frustration cycle.

    No situation is too bad, though. Though we hit rock-bottom, there's always someone else down here to talk to whilst you climb back up the well. Remember that. Nobody is at the bottom alone.


    We are all facing hardships that seem overwhelming, but optimism is the absolute most important quality to getting through it. "How can that kid in a third-world country smile?! He has no clean water, raggedy clothes and and lives in a tent made out of old boxes!" - I'm sure we've all thought it at one point. In reality there's someone out there even worse-off than THAT. We smile because we know no matter how low we might get, we can always look up, and where we're looking is ATTAINABLE. Maybe not today, but we can get there.
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Colour by numbers; awesome. Just saying. I thought it was only me!
    colour by numbers drives me mental, as i have to colour every number 1 in first, then number 2 etc.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    colour by numbers drives me mental, as i have to colour every number 1 in first, then number 2 etc.
    Upon reflection, perhaps colour by numbers wasn't the best childhood past time to allude to in a forum of people struggling with all sorts of OCD behaviours. Stick to the regular colouring books. :K:
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Upon reflection, perhaps colour by numbers wasn't the best childhood past time to allude to in a forum of people struggling with all sorts of OCD behaviours. Stick to the regular colouring books. :K:
    Haha. Perhaps dot to dot instead? :P
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    I've struggled with one for the past few years and depression but thought id managed to beat it till 3 months ago when I went back there again and ended up on about 150 cals a day and exercising. I think in the last couple of weeks im feeling better cos i've increased it, but its still actually quite low and i still can't get rid of those nagging feelings as much as I want to.
    Seem to struggle so much between me and the voice.
    Trying to get better in a year.. maybe im rushing it, who knows.
 
 
 
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