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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sensitivity to the cold was my WORST symptom even now i'm weight restored. I've got Raynauds syndrome too, but the core of my body feels freezing at times.

    I've started taking flaxseed oil, iron and B12 supplements as well trying to get loads more vitamins in my diet (fortified cereal too) and it has been improving massively.
    i found it wasnt as bad at uni, possibly could have been down to the fact that our flat was always so warm, and that i was taking flax and multivitamins. I find my feet are the worst. My flatmates thought i was mad that i could predict the weather...
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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    I get this too? :confused:
    I did a bit of research... If you haven't got the adequate calorie intake, your body obviously starts to shut down and finds it harder to repair itself. It's also a sign of vitamin deficiency. :/ Yup, not a good sign - good luck with increasing your intake!
    In the short-term: You can buy Bruise cream from Boots - it has Arnica in, supposedly a herbal remedy. Or Bio-oil. I use Bio-oil on scars; it's expensive but it works wonders.

    Also, a quick update from my birthday: I did it! I actually had birthday cake yesterday... For the first time in over two years.
    It was a Smarties Little Gift Cake. I was considering getting the nostalgic Caterpillar Cake, but there is only three people in my household... So it would be a waste of money really.
    I did get very anxious, jittery and cranky about it though. I just hope my family understand how much it meant... Anyway, it was nice, and I love smarties
    I've got a Sixth Form open day on Tuesday, which I'm reeeeally panicking about. But thinking positively - I'm hoping that actually getting a life - friends, interests etc will aid with recovery. Recovery is impossible if I'm at home all day with nothing to do.
    If you love Smarties that's better than my idea anyway :P
    Ayayayayay :hugs:
    • #173
    #173

    I can feel myself losing control every day the self-loathing has become so intense I can't escape it. Not a minute goes past when I'm not thinking about calories and how fat and ugly I am. I am 8st6 at 5ft5 - logically I know that is fine, and in another person it would be perfectly in healthy - but it's not good enough for me. I need to be smaller. I pick at my wobbly bits, prod at them and cry inwardly at how awful they are. I don't want to feel like this but I need to be perfect.

    I feel like every day is a constant battle between me and my food problem, as if it's a separate part of me hell-bent on destroying me. I'm losing the fight.

    Please help me :cry:
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please help me :cry:
    Eating disorders are rarely about weight. Not really. What does your weight actually represent in your life? What are you trying to suppress or control? :hugs:
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Eating disorders are rarely about weight. Not really. What does your weight actually represent in your life? What are you trying to suppress or control? :hugs:
    The only compliment I can ever remember getting in my life is "you're so skinny!" Therefore it's been ingrained in my head that all I am worth is my weight. I can recognise this and yet I can't fight it. Like I said, I'm losing the battle
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    Just an update:

    I went to my psychiatry appointment with my mum, and she got very emotional. She said that even now, she hasn't got her boy back. She says it's frustrating because though she knows I've come a long way, I might never "come back completely". It made me think about it. We're all in a total dream world. It's a selfish place to live, inside this wee bubble.

    I'd been put on a 3000-calorie diet and miraculously hadn't gained a pound. So she upped my game. 3500 per day, with not a kilojoule less. She explained that if I was to see any bone regeneration IN MY LIFETIME (and bear in mind two years ago I was mere months to live, death-level anorexia, and it left my bones in utter dust, after only a full year of starving myself) I would have to be at least a BMI of 20-22 for 3-5 years, minimum. So I've to get to 9 stones in a MONTH (half a stone to gain). From there, we will set new weight gain goals.

    I'm realising I can hang about forever. To-and-fro. "I'm fine". I'm NOT fine, because I'm still gripped by this notion that I'll lose the control, but is the loss of control worse than losing my life before I'm thirty?! I'm not even finished with my twenties yet, and yet my mum said "I feel like my son is a sixty-year old, you don't do anything because you CAN'T, you walk about town hunched over and everyone keeps telling me you look yellow and in pain. Do they really think that HELPS me?!"

    Hearing her tell me these things weren't surprising because we don't hide anything from each other. But she wasn't sugar-coating ANYTHING. She really wanted me to know that I was ****Ing about, even if I wasn't meaning to. I was still killing myself even though I was doing it at a less alarming rate.

    So even though a week at 3000 calories a day did nothing, I spent yesterday almost completely, downing glass upon glass of milk to reach my 3500. This morning I checked. 117.4lbs. Up 0.4lbs. And my reaction? I didn't freak out. I still felt compelled to do it, to check, but... I didn't feel that galling pang of "darn, I let myself go again". I felt like, "You're doing this so you can see 29. To see 35. To see 48, to see 60. THOSE are the numbers you want to see, so **** vanity, this is what you need to do - all the other numbers don't matter. You want to see those years of your life. So stick to it." I felt no badness, and I still don't.

    And though I know it'll be a long time before I can do any exercise - maybe years - beyond just light walking, if I keep doing what I'm doing, at least I know it's a possibility.

    We wreck our bodies so rapidly that we forget what we're doing is taking a sledgehammer to a delicate statue to make alterations to it, and before we realise it we've ground them to rubble, and the only option is to take each piece and a tube of superglue and piece it together SO slowly, or leave the wind to blow all the pebbles away. If only we'd chosen to just use a tiny chisel in the first place. But hey, sledgehammer works, right? Fast, effective life destruction, I suppose.

    All my love.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Just an update:

    We wreck our bodies so rapidly that we forget what we're doing is taking a sledgehammer to a delicate statue to make alterations to it, and before we realise it we've ground them to rubble, and the only option is to take each piece and a tube of superglue and piece it together SO slowly, or leave the wind to blow all the pebbles away. If only we'd chosen to just use a tiny chisel in the first place. But hey, sledgehammer works, right? Fast, effective life destruction, I suppose.

    All my love.
    Not sure whether you read my post in the Fitness forum but this is a concept I'm struggling with today (basically I think I need to go to the gym, I was out late yesterday, physically and mentally exhausted now, feel like this is just an excuse to get out of putting in hard work)
    It's not really even about the body today. I'm just so scared that taking that time out to rest (when I'm not really even in there that much yet anyway) makes me of weaker character than the guy who'd push through. I don't like being seen as the scaredy-cat or chicken or the whinger, it's emasculating :/
    Apparently feeling like I'm respected means a lot to me, and this (overtraining and denying the pain) is the way I try and earn it :rolleyes:

    But on a brighter note, sounds like you're doing great mate, maybe not physically but in your mindset. Keep it up, we're all here for you! :hugs:
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    Toto, you're so ****ing inspirational. I love you. I don't know what else to say. Your words always hit me hard and remind me why I've fought so hard to recover and stayed recovered for so long x
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    Riku, I did read your posts and to be honest, I wish I could just give you a shake because you are grinding your body down quickly as I did, though for totally different reasons, and as such all I can do is show you we both take different paths but we will definitely both meet at the same, debilitated destination.

    I thoroughly appreciate all the input on this thread and though it seems like there's a ratio of 1 help message per 10 "help, help!" messages, never withdraw your comment if it means something to you.
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    Part of me thinks I'm doing better - a week without a binge today (when I didn't even get 24 hours before) and stuck to my new diet plan for 5 days.

    However, I seem to have swung in the opposite direction. I'm doing the 5:2 diet just now, for the health benefits and to kick start my attempt at healthy eating again. I've done it since Monday and done 2 fast days wnd 3 'normal' days so far. I use mfp and count calories as I go. Since Monday though, my healthy days have been arouns 1200kcal net (I have a goal of 1440kcal and when I went over by 126kcal last night from eggs I felt awful!) And I always feel better about eating on fast days.

    I just can't seem to strike a happy medium at all

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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    Part of me thinks I'm doing better - a week without a binge today (when I didn't even get 24 hours before) and stuck to my new diet plan for 5 days.

    However, I seem to have swung in the opposite direction. I'm doing the 5:2 diet just now, for the health benefits and to kick start my attempt at healthy eating again. I've done it since Monday and done 2 fast days wnd 3 'normal' days so far. I use mfp and count calories as I go. Since Monday though, my healthy days have been arouns 1200kcal net (I have a goal of 1440kcal and when I went over by 126kcal last night from eggs I felt awful!) And I always feel better about eating on fast days.

    I just can't seem to strike a happy medium at all

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    1500 or less really is a dire amount for anyone sweetheart. Anyone.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, I did read your posts and to be honest, I wish I could just give you a shake because you are grinding your body down quickly as I did, though for totally different reasons, and as such all I can do is show you we both take different paths but we will definitely both meet at the same, debilitated destination.

    I thoroughly appreciate all the input on this thread and though it seems like there's a ratio of 1 help message per 10 "help, help!" messages, never withdraw your comment if it means something to you.
    That's fair enough. I deserved it there, and not even the sporty people seemed to agree with the brutal 'no pain no gain' mentality I was talking about.
    As it happens I didn't go yesterday, I went shopping for a friend's present and tried some Freddo Faces instead
    In fairness I'd still like to go, because exercise helps me sleep better-just not feel forced to do it or that I'm any less of a person for not doing it.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    1500 or less really is a dire amount for anyone sweetheart. Anyone.
    I know it's not and it annoys me beyond belief. I enjoy health and fitness and know what eating so little will do to my body and that's the kicker.

    I've put weight on recently through binging and stress eating from my dissertation/essays/exams, which I absolutely hate. My boyfriend says it looks better but I really can't stand the number on the scale going up.

    His birthday night out is two weeks from today and I keep telling myself that it's only until then so I can get back to where I was - but I know the issues aren't to do with just that event, I'm doing the whole ostrich approach to my problems and not trying to figure out real reasons and ways to combat it.

    I think the thing that annoys me the most about me is that I know there's a problem, I know what I'm doing to my body, I know what I want my body to like to and I know how to achieve that - but putting the theory into practice, and admitting to others there is a problem, is something I can't fathom and as a result I know I won't get better.

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    • #173
    #173

    So I've eaten today:

    Cereal (cornflakes and bran flakes, about three-quarters of a portion of each because I skipped dinner last night)
    Some brioche
    Soup
    One slice of toast


    And I'm mentally beating myself up over it. I can't have had more than 800 calories and I just want to cry I should have the self-control to stop eating so much...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I've eaten today:

    Cereal (cornflakes and bran flakes, about three-quarters of a portion of each because I skipped dinner last night)
    Some brioche
    Soup
    One slice of toast


    And I'm mentally beating myself up over it. I can't have had more than 800 calories and I just want to cry I should have the self-control to stop eating so much...
    Can you spoiler stuff like this in future please?
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    foodie talk and musings
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Today was blatantly indulgent day out with a friend who needed some advice and moral support:

    Shreddies and banana, with peanut butter on toast
    (I got a protein bar...I know, risky )
    Wok n Go Nasi (seafood veggie) box
    Dr Pepper (don't often drink fizzy but this was lush)
    Handful of fudge my mum brought back from Wales, shared other half with friend. Vanilla and rum'n'raisin omnom

    The big one: Milkshake (Milky Way, Terry's Chocolate Orange, Minstrels and butterscotch) from this amazing milkshake bar in town. It was my first this year and I thought, it's a nice day, I'm enjoying myself, why not
    I deliberately didn't even try to guesstimate though it was probably >1000 for the mlikshake alone lol. I go off natural hunger and fullness cues as far as I can

    I'm very full (and slightly regret the milkshake, got a bit sickly near the end an could probably have cut it down a little) . But I expected to be stuffed anyway. but the thing which got me was even though I didn't judge myself all that much for such a hyoooge shake, the girl who served me had this nasty patronising smirk on her face and talking down to me. "Ooh, that looks like it's going to be quite a lot, isn't it? "
    I got the impression she was calling me all sorts of cruel and vindictive things about it :/
    didn't help there was a guy she was talking to right next to her who looked like he worked out and she was laughing with him

    I don't get this. The scale says I'm a healthy weight, I'm not even a size 32, of course I don't get a big-ass milkshake or packet of fudge every day and yet whenever I do this I think everyone's calling me the pitiful fat kid I felt I grew up as again... frustrated

    but aside from the body image issues, I felt like eating in excess today meant being an excessive and slovenly person, we were having the same discussion when I was about to splurge on some books I wanted to get today. My mate has the same difficulty in buying comics and general geekware for leisure or comfort, often in excess. We're in a recession and I'm nowhere near overdraft thanks to staying at home, I feel ashamed about that like I'm getting off too easy
    so in that sense buying a huge milkshake translated as being greedy and irresponsible in a time when I should be grateful for what I get maybe. Which I am!


    A good day but I think I might have absorbed society's pressure to be frugal with food, even though that means it's alright to be excessive in just about every other respect in a material culture. Double standards much? :P
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    x
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    Show

    So I've eaten today:
    Cereal (cornflakes and bran flakes, about three-quarters of a portion of each because I skipped dinner last night)
    Some brioche
    Soup
    One slice of toast


    And I'm mentally beating myself up over it. I can't have had more than 800 calories and I just want to cry I should have the self-control to stop eating so much...
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Hun, if I'm half-conscious my self-beatings about indulging today are unfair (when in fairness, I indulged), you are being positively draconian with your expectations. I can assure you you not only have more than enough self-control, but possibly too much, and it's time you let yourself let go of what's scaring you and holding you back.
    Please be easier on yourself and get some help. You're in the throes of the disease.

    :hugs:
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Can you spoiler stuff like this in future please?
    Sorry! :puppyeyes:

    (Original post by Riku)
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Hun, if I'm half-conscious my self-beatings about indulging today are unfair (when in fairness, I indulged), you are being positively draconian with your expectations. I can assure you you not only have more than enough self-control, but possibly too much, and it's time you let yourself let go of what's scaring you and holding you back.
    Please be easier on yourself and get some help. You're in the throes of the disease.

    :hugs:
    -Potentially triggering stuff-
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Well I didn't eat much more than that today... Maybe 1200 calories. Yet instead of feeling disappointed in myself (as the logical side of me tells me I should), I feel a sense of pride that I was able to 'control' today's intake.

    The thing is, I know that what I'm doing is so unhealthy, and wrong, but... I'm slowly losing control (although I tell myself that I'm in control of this) and I don't know if I have the strength to fight it... My boyfriend is so worried about me and it kills me that I'm hurting me but I can't stop thinking that f I just lost a little bit more, I could be perfect.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry! :puppyeyes:



    -Potentially triggering stuff-
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Well I didn't eat much more than that today... Maybe 1200 calories. Yet instead of feeling disappointed in myself (as the logical side of me tells me I should), I feel a sense of pride that I was able to 'control' today's intake.

    The thing is, I know that what I'm doing is so unhealthy, and wrong, but... I'm slowly losing control (although I tell myself that I'm in control of this) and I don't know if I have the strength to fight it... My boyfriend is so worried about me and it kills me that I'm hurting me but I can't stop thinking that f I just lost a little bit more, I could be perfect.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    The sense of perfection will never come from the numbers, they'll only drive lower or harder to reach, tougher to live by, you'll always feel the same sense of inadequacy or not trying hard enough.
    But not if you accept now-you're good enough already, honey. And I'm sure your guy would repeat me on that one.

    :hugs:
    • #183
    #183

    Today I was on a weekend away with my family and we were at dinner. My dad looks at me when I get my dinner and goes 'Jesus, you're really going mad! Wow' because I had a plate full. I'd picked all vegetables, and a bit of chicken stir fry. And salad. It was a buffet but I'd gone for my 'healthy safe options'. Dessert consisted of chocolate sauce on fruit, to which my Dad comments 'you're really stuffing your face, great to see'.

    It's these comments which really destroy my attempts to be carefree and enjoy my food because it just reminds me how much I'm eating and I feel so guilty. Salad and chicken with some fruit and chocolate really shouldn't cause that much guilt but it can be so harmful to progress when someone makes a comment like that.
 
 
 
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