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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

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Original post by jft18
Hi guys,
I guess I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still following this forum. I just can't think of how to word anything so I don't tend to say a lot. I love to read some of your posts, Toto - you're incredible and so inspirational, I really wish you all the best. To everyone else, it's great to hear your achievements, especially cinnie - your post (albeit a few pages back) really moved me.
I'm struggling quite a lot right now, I can't seem to do anything right and I don't really know what to do. It doesnt help that I'm spending my time surrounded by the best group if friends I have ever had and I have no reason to feel like this, makes me feel even more selfish and guilty.
Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so negative and and pretty vague.. Guess I just wanted to let you know that I;m still thinking of you all.
Take care, J x


We're thinking of you too bud :smile: if you're struggling, come back more! Let us help you get rid of those bad feelings :frown:
Reply 6261
I'm happy to say that after three weeks of rather intensive medication and diet I am now the minimum 9st weight requirement to get the increased, higher level of bone medicine.

They can now start plying me with the hormone/alendronic acids/steroids I wasn't allowed at my previous BMI. I anticipate that the next couple of weeks will be a bit rough as I adjust to it all, but this is yet another milestone down, and though it'll be a slog I'm happy to take the short-term hit for the long-term benefits.

A wee bit of weight gain and a few days a week totally oot ma face for a worth it for the next forty-odd years of WORKING SKELETON!

And yet, 9 stones may make me feel gigantic, but only compared to my previous self. As all those around me keep telling me, "a man in his late twenties at 9 stones is still really quite little." And when you say it like that, without being introspective, it makes sense.
Reply 6262
URGH.

Why is it that with a mental associative disorder that as soon as someone says one thing, a great day can become a dire day?

I've been on a positive spree the past wee while so I feel I am allowed to rant a little.

I declared to my friends and family I had met that 9 stone goal weight to then be referred to the new medical team which can up my dose of medicine.

Then one of my cousins comments, "9 stone?! You look loads more than that. I'm 9 and a half and look much less than you. Still, well done."

Wow, a real compliment, right?

I can see where she is coming from however. When you gain weight rapidly as I have a few times throughout the recovery period, you accumulate weight rapidly in one place wherever you are genetically predisposed to store it before it goes around your body to settle. This is nothing astounding nor new. But my "places" are my gut and my face. My face and belly go extremely rotund. This is just where I must suck it up and accept in the short term, I will look and feel bloated and swollen.

I will say however, last time I gained several pounds in few weeks, the distribution started within the month. The only issue I have is that my skeleton is too brittle to do any recorded exercise - INCLUDING no-impact (swimming, etc).

The thing is, my mum pointed out something really interesting. She's the most honest out of my whole family with me - and said "You can tell it's temporary because your cheeks are puffing, but your eyes are still sunken. When it's temporary weight, your face is more even. So don't fret about than, son. When it evens out your face will even out."- this is better advice to hear than "there there, no, you look fine!!" - you need logical support. This is logical support, and I know it's true because it happened to me before if you recall. I got huge swollen cheeks, then they disappeared.

I have no shame nor nothing to hide, so here is me last night in the gaming room , sporting hamster-cheeked acceptance:

http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/l583/totomimotommy/temporary_zps751e6afa.jpg?t=1374349674

I accept it will die down after a short while, but the knowledge it's going to keep getting more harsh with all these meds - steroids, alendronic acid, morphine-based painkillers - I have to hang on to the notion that it is TEMPORARY.

My only solution? Suck it up. Deal with it. You will look swollen for a while. This is how you atone for how you ravaged your body!
(edited 10 years ago)
Need a good kick up the a*** by you wonderful straight-talking legends on here.

Spoiler

Reply 6264
Original post by TotoMimo
URGH.

Why is it that with a mental associative disorder that as soon as someone says one thing, a great day can become a dire day?

I've been on a positive spree the past wee while so I feel I am allowed to rant a little.

I declared to my friends and family I had met that 9 stone goal weight to then be referred to the new medical team which can up my dose of medicine.

Then one of my cousins comments, "9 stone?! You look loads more than that. I'm 9 and a half and look much less than you. Still, well done."

Wow, a real compliment, right?

I can see where she is coming from however. When you gain weight rapidly as I have a few times throughout the recovery period, you accumulate weight rapidly in one place wherever you are genetically predisposed to store it before it goes around your body to settle. This is nothing astounding nor new. But my "places" are my gut and my face. My face and belly go extremely rotund. This is just where I must suck it up and accept in the short term, I will look and feel bloated and swollen.

I will say however, last time I gained several pounds in few weeks, the distribution started within the month. The only issue I have is that my skeleton is too brittle to do any recorded exercise - INCLUDING no-impact (swimming, etc).

The thing is, my mum pointed out something really interesting. She's the most honest out of my whole family with me - and said "You can tell it's temporary because your cheeks are puffing, but your eyes are still sunken. When it's temporary weight, your face is more even. So don't fret about than, son. When it evens out your face will even out."- this is better advice to hear than "there there, no, you look fine!!" - you need logical support. This is logical support, and I know it's true because it happened to me before if you recall. I got huge swollen cheeks, then they disappeared.

I have no shame nor nothing to hide, so here is me last night in the gaming room , sporting hamster-cheeked acceptance:

http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/l583/totomimotommy/temporary_zps751e6afa.jpg?t=1374349674

I accept it will die down after a short while, but the knowledge it's going to keep getting more harsh with all these meds - steroids, alendronic acid, morphine-based painkillers - I have to hang on to the notion that it is TEMPORARY.

My only solution? Suck it up. Deal with it. You will look swollen for a while. This is how you atone for how you ravaged your body!


Spoiler

X
Time to de-anon... I'm the one that forgot to use spoiler tags a couple of pages ago :frown:

Anyway...

Spoiler

Hope everyone is doing well.

I went to see a new counsellor on Friday who seems to be a bit more empathic. She's trying to encourage me to keep a food diary. However, I'm already finding it hard to stick to it (as I've already gone off the rail numerous times :frown:) and own up. Anyone else tried using a food diary and had much success?

Also, another thing she's trying to implement is regular meals which I'm finding hard (just can't seem to start once I start feeding!). Just seems to induce more anxiety and stress than I hoped.
Reply 6267
Original post by Anonymous
Hope everyone is doing well.

I went to see a new counsellor on Friday who seems to be a bit more empathic. She's trying to encourage me to keep a food diary. However, I'm already finding it hard to stick to it (as I've already gone off the rail numerous times :frown:) and own up. Anyone else tried using a food diary and had much success?

Also, another thing she's trying to implement is regular meals which I'm finding hard (just can't seem to start once I start feeding!). Just seems to induce more anxiety and stress than I hoped.


One think I WILL tell you not to do... is lie. It's SO easy to give in and lie about your food diary. It helps nobody. Doesn't help you OR the people that want to aid you in your recovery. It's something you'll consider again and again.

My therapist tells me everything. She's seen it all. People trying to trick her, but she's a smart woman, for sure. Everything from catching a girl drinking a full litre of water before her appointment to "weigh more" to another apparently stating she had been drinking fortisips in her food diary when the dietician had explicitly stated the girl had outright refused a supply of them.

You'll get found out. If you're having problems, SAY you're having problems. I know the nature of the illness is to outright lie at every junction, but be honest with yourself and others and you'll be MUCH better off for it.
Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain... :frown:
Reply 6269
So I just ate a sandwich.. With cheese. That's bread and cheese two of my biggest fear foods. I know I needed to do it and part of me is proud. So why do I feel like sobbing. I'm scared of doing this. Really scared.


Posted from TSR Mobile
Sometimes I wish I could help you guys on this thread, a part of me feels bad for only ranting about how things are going for me... But I don't know what to say, or what advice to give without sounding hypocritical.:s-smilie:

I feel bad for ranting here, but I really need to get this off my chest.

Update (TW?)

Spoiler

Reply 6271
Original post by Anonymous
Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain... :frown:


I developed bad stomach ulcers that will sadly never fully heal as a result of my ED. Your body grows so accustomed to being starved that the digestive acids become less potent to the point that, when your body FINALLY gets fed, the acid goes overtime. It corrodes the stomach lining and continues to do so, only being exacerbated by you not eating enough.

Lactic lining helps; drinking milk can quell acid problems/ulcer issues if this is what you've developed, but ask your GP first to ensure the source of the issue.
Reply 6272
If you are a Scot on this thread, I suggest you consider taking one monday to head over to the No Bodies Perfect Coffee evenings. They were a great boon in my recovery and gives you a huge amount of non-biased perspective.


I know I'm Stirling so going to Edinburgh isn't TOO out of my reach, but it's another option for those of you that feel they need more support in Scotland dealing with their mental disorders and want to meet likeminded sufferers, knowing how others deal with the hardships.

Here's the leaflet with all the details:

http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/l583/totomimotommy/temporary_zpse0c5c65d.jpg?t=1374696042

Heck, you might even see me there!! XXX
Toto I had no idea you were from Stirling! I lived there for a year and went to uni there - back home in Cumbernauld now!

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Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 6274
Original post by rubixcyoob
Toto I had no idea you were from Stirling! I lived there for a year and went to uni there - back home in Cumbernauld now!

Spoiler



Posted from TSR Mobile


The world is a baby-wee place, Rubi!

Though I will not overly put you down for having half the calories that a nine year old boy needs, I will say that I'm a bit disappointed you haven't had that real "push" moment. For me it was hearing my skeleton was absolutely ****ed, and that I would likely die through bone erosion than anything else. That terrified me. One day my skeleton would collapse?! Jesus. Anorexia, who would have it, right?

Tried to kill be via liver failure. Weeks to live. I fought it. Got complacent. Thought I'd beat it. Now, tries to kill me via brittle bones?! What a cock.

Listen, I am only saying this because some people never get the luxury of an overt wake-up call moment - TRY HARDER. I don't say what I say because I want to hurt, I say what I say because I want you to see REALITY. I am almost BMI 20! That's awesome! I still have anxieties about myself. But now, the further from the cusp I get, the more I *understand* it. I was being so, SO la-di-dah about my recovery when I was on the verge of recovery. I could play about with it. I could totally accept and flout all the stuff about ED and whatever. "I'm still immune, I've got x, I'm not cured." It doesn't absolve you of responsibility, though.

Roob, I know you are a woman that seeks to get better for more than just her own vanity and wellbeing. Trust me when I say, the more healed, the more weight restored you get - the more you are accepted, the more you UNDERSTAND the reasoning.

Right now you are still in the bubble, but the bubble is crap. It's ****. *******s. It wants you forever, it wants to keep you in this crap place where you have nothing in your life worth living for. But hey, at least you can count calories and exercise to excess, right? Yeah, that thing that nearly ended my life. Sounds ****ing great.

I am on the other side of the hedge now, I have carte blanche to say the things I do. You do NOT have the luxury of messing about with your life. Even healed as I am, I still face a life-threatening illness. I'm in the last stages of beating anorexia, yet all the things anorexia left behind have ruined me as a person. It's time to think about what you hold dear - weight, exercise, numbers - or life, family, friends, and health.
So I was good today and I ate all of my dinner this evening without fuss!!

Spoiler

Original post by Anonymous
Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain... :frown:

I don't have ulcers but I have a weird problem where even when I eat a relatively small meal I get awful croaking, like frog sounds in my throat afterwards, like acid coming up or something.
Havent posted here for a while, however ive been keeping up date date with everybodys tremendous successes and for those struggling, big hug, keep going.

Ive been doing pretty well lately, much fewer binge-purge cycles. I can feel it creeping back upon me again though. Its become instinct to walk to the bathroom and purge if I feel slightly full, yet I feel more in denial than ever. I can hear myself screaming 'stop, stop!' but I cant, and im so ashamed at my lack of willpower. Im due to start university in 6weeks and I feel like its going to plunge me back in my old ways and routines. Sigh.
Reply 6278
Original post by Anonymous
Havent posted here for a while, however ive been keeping up date date with everybodys tremendous successes and for those struggling, big hug, keep going.

Ive been doing pretty well lately, much fewer binge-purge cycles. I can feel it creeping back upon me again though. Its become instinct to walk to the bathroom and purge if I feel slightly full, yet I feel more in denial than ever. I can hear myself screaming 'stop, stop!' but I cant, and im so ashamed at my lack of willpower. Im due to start university in 6weeks and I feel like its going to plunge me back in my old ways and routines. Sigh.


I'm feeling exactly the same about Uni at the minute. I feel like I'm trying so hard right now, I really am, like I've eaten a meal, albeit small, multiple times this week without throwing up. I've done everything I'm being asked to in therapy. And its **** scary. But whats scaring me more is that there's still that voice in my head that's saying, 'this is only temporary. Don't worry when you go to uni, you wont transfer doctors, therapy will stop, you can just go back to your old ways'. And I'm trying to fight that thought because it is so ****ing wrong! It makes me so angry. Get out of my head. I cant let uni take me backwards. I just dont really know how to ensure it doesnt, So I can completely relate, although I dont have any advice as such. :hugs:
Hey there, I was just wanting to vent about issues. Sorry if I waste your time.

So, like many people here (I think) I have a very unhealthy obsession with my weight & food.
I calorie count a hell of a lot, I refrain from looking in the mirror or any reflective surface so I don't see myself & everything kinda just sucks at the moment.

I'm not anorexic - if anything, I'm somewhat bulimic. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of bingeing and sometimes purging but most times fasting.
I see myself as 'big' or 'fat' which is contrary to what other people believe, but they're probably lying (who knows?).
On top of the whole food problem, I'm also a perfectionist - I very frequently set myself unreachable targets and I usually procrastinate A LOT (in terms of A-levels, anyway).

And on top of that, I feel as though I have an innate desire to feel wanted (and loved) - as is exhibited by my mess ups I have with people (well, guys, as I'm gay).
So this is what happens: I meet a guy, they're friendly to me in one way or another, and I form somewhat of an emotional attachment towards them straight away - and as this happens, I experience feelings of jealousy, hatred and depression. Jealousy because I envy the fact that he's talking to someone else other than me (crazy, right?). Hatred because he's not talking to me & depression because of the overwhelming impact of the other feelings. Most times this causes me to self-harm and then I spiral into an obsessive craziness.

So, yeah. That's me - there's so much more but I can't think right now - and I wouldn't even mind but the latter aren't even eating disorders. My apologies.

All the best,
Tom.


"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

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