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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    So I've been gone for a while, things haven't exactly been going great recently .. holiday was a nightmare, I think I knew deep down I wasn't ready for it, bikini bodies everywhere and my friends forcing me to eat and shouting when I couldn't or ate what wasn't deemed enough for them but is massive amounts for me. When I explained that in my sessions with the PWP we have agreed on small achievable goals, currently
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    having lunch 4 times a week without purging
    my friends said that I was attention seeking and didn't really have a problem. One of the girls on holiday with us has parents who both work in mental health. They have both meant me once and we havent shared more than 5 words. My 'friend' said that her parents could tell just by looking at me that I dont have an eating disorder which obviously triggered so many bad thoughts, resulting in a VERY stupid thing on holiday. I just feel like I was getting so far and now I have taken a million steps backwards. I feel like they must be right. All of them were screaming at me that I'm an attention seeker and that I'm fine. They cant all be wrong. Especially when two mental health experts said that. I just dont know anymore. I dont know what to do. I thought I could beat this. But now I feel like I dont have anything to beat... I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm just a bit of a mess
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
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    Sorry that you've had a really rubbish time Teenage girls can be SO cruel and it looks like they've developed a horrible pack mentality and are just being terrible friends at the moment. I highly doubt that your friends parents actually said that - mental health professionals will be aware that eating disorders are mental illnesses first and foremost and often cannot be identified just by looking at someone. I think your friend made it up or twisted the truth

    You are struggling with some really tough stuff at the moment so please don't let anyone beat you down any further. :hugs:
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    My insane-inthe-weightgain diet I was put on to rapidly gain some poundage to help stimulate my bones into recovery (well, the ones that aren't dead due to killing them off with some stupid, arbitrary ED) really shocked both myself and my psychiatry/dieticians.

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    At 3500 calories in one week I gained almost a half stone. That's a truly shocking 5.5 lbs in 8 days. We worked it out - that's a physical impossibility at that rate. She explained that I am retaining a ton of water, salt-weight as well as - well - logically, I haven't done a bum-burp-followup in four days due to such insane high intake - she reckoned it could be partially that.

    Anyway, going from 8 st 5 to 8st 10 in one week was really very emotional for me. I no longer care about gaining - it's what I need to do to get better. But at that rapid rate, I got very overwhelmed by it happening all at once. I had to throw out some boxers and a pair of jeans. My great aunt said "it didn't seem healthy to gain so much so quickly". She however, is one of the few in my family oblivious to my mental anxieties.

    The real kicker is that for the next week I've to go to 3000 calories to make up the odd pounds to reach 9st for the last week in July - so that my body can handle the upped dose of my medication. Then, "we'll see how we gain from there after we analyse your body coping with the meds."

    It's a lot to take in (literally AND emotionally), but it must be done. Just JESUS PLEASE, don't get yourself to the state I was in before you start healing yourself. It hurts me to sit down because my pelvis is a dead husk of bone. It's agony to walk further than five straight minutes. And yet on the outside, I am "healed".

    Don't be flippant with your bodies, people. I'm only 28 - still young, but I'm still not as young as you all. Don't take it for granted, and think, "won't happen to me" - that's what I thought.

    All my love as you fight on, troops.

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    Sorry, selfish post.
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    I have been feeling pretty crap this week, but feel absolute rock bottom tonight due to an incident with a creepy customer at work and feel incredibly vulnerable. And of course, starving myself and taking an overdose seems to be the logical answer despite me knowing that the only way I'm going to get out of this area and this job is if I am healthy enough to go to university in September. I don't know, going to try and write it all down and take some sleeping tablets and try to avoid destroying myself before I see my psychologist on Monday...
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    I want to share a bit of uplifting information as this is getting overwhelmingly negative the past wee while.

    Recovery is terrible, painful, emotional, and heart-breaking. It is also the most alive I have ever felt. I've felt tested, I've felt challenged.


    My own anorexia developed as an answer to my life becoming "achieved". I had met all the goals I'd set myself - I had become complacent and unhappy due to having no more busybody, brain-wracking challenges. No more Masters Degree dissertations, no more last minute deadlines. Only work.

    I got a great job, with Ubisoft, no less. The guys that make Assassin's Creed, Rayman, and Driver. I was lucky enough to work on several major AAA titles. I was on top of the world. And yet, the work didn't push me. I felt like I'd been through a trial of a thousand licks of flame, and my reward was a daily slog of simple checklists, simple art assets, nothing that really PUSHED me. I ended up creating new challenges for myself and that became anorexia, a form of pushing my limits.

    But anorexia is a regression. It rips you from the world and absolves you of reality. You are a child. You become an absolute child - anorexia is your womb. Real-life problems like relationships, houses, cars and bills are pointless, they don't apply to you. You've got something else more important that takes precedence.

    But I can say this for absolute, for definite. When you start to recover, you slowly become exposed to real life. When you reach the cusp of full recovery, you cling to "just ill enough", so you have an excuse. Something to fall back on. Soon, the re-integration becomes your "fake goal" as you strive to convince everyone around you you're "nearly there". Only you're not. You need to get pushed far beyond the "nearly there" to really....get it.

    What do I mean? Simple. When returning to the anorexic lifestyle remains a possibility, you cling to it like the child you've become. It becomes your last bastion of hope, that if you stay "just ill enough", you can at least have the option - the EXCUSE - to return there someday. You start to abuse the notion that you are "well enough" to dip your pinkie toe into real life, but "ill enough" to still absolve yourself of real world issues.

    Well, just recently I was forced to boon my recovery for reasons outwith simple anorexic thought patterns. My body is BMI 19.5, the highest it has been in 2 years. And suddenly I'm finding myself thinking of ways of how to get out. Go for drinks. I've isolated myself from the world but... I could go alone, right? I could go and meet people on a drunken bender. I could do that! That would be awesome.

    I'm starting to realise that when you completely annihilate anorexia as a "you can come back any time you like" hostel, you start to take it on the chin a bit more. "You're looking a bit pudgy there". "Yeah, well, so what, you can stay here and fret about how many calories are in corn, I'm going to meet a lady!"

    Suddenly you start to realise that without the idealist notion that anorexia is your shield, you EMBRACE RISK. You embrace it all. I want to run back to Newcastle to my office and shout "OVERWORK ME, BRAH!" -and be overwhelmed and love it.

    It's the "cognitive shift" my psychologist told me about that I totally didn't believe would occur. I thought it was another "line" she used. Until a few weeks ago, it was just that. Today, it's a truth that's got me wanting to live again.

    Only by not only breaking "healthy" status but by SURPASSING the limit - ie, don't think, "18.5 is a borderline healthy BMI, let's do that" - think, "BMI of 20 leaves me healthy but without the luxury of just slipping into "woe is me, world, I be anorexic again!" territory.

    Trust me, ladies. No man wants to cuddle a pencil. And I am an artist by trade.
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    Love your post Toto really needed to hear that tonight :hugs:

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    I am so ready to just GIVE UP on regulating my weight/trying to lose weight whatsoever. I look ok, I feel healthy, BMI is 21.5 - not exactly a need to make it lower (even though I would prefer 20).. but i'm just so ready to just let it be. If I loose a bit then fine, if not, fine. I have spent TOO long fretting about this. But in a month I have to wear a bikini around my whole family (not just close family) and EVERY SINGLE ONE of us is on a 'pre holiday' diet. Constant "do you think i've lost weight"? from everyone. Oh god. Maybe I should put the flippancy in place after the holiday.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Love your post Toto really needed to hear that tonight :hugs:

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    I am so ready to just GIVE UP on regulating my weight/trying to lose weight whatsoever. I look ok, I feel healthy, BMI is 21.5 - not exactly a need to make it lower (even though I would prefer 20).. but i'm just so ready to just let it be. If I loose a bit then fine, if not, fine. I have spent TOO long fretting about this. But in a month I have to wear a bikini around my whole family (not just close family) and EVERY SINGLE ONE of us is on a 'pre holiday' diet. Constant "do you think i've lost weight"? from everyone. Oh god. Maybe I should put the flippancy in place after the holiday.
    I've seen what you look like and you are an astoundingly beautiful girl, and the perfect representation of your being. But I do agree - summer is the most difficult season (moreso than even Christmas) to be a body-dysmorphic. Everyone, every tv ad, every programme, it's "LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE MORE WEIGHT, IT'S SUMMER!"- it's completely overbearing, carpet-bomb approach to be sure.

    But do you agree that when you reach a certain BMI there's a certain degree of... futility to your actions? That your anorexic earwig pops up and you shout to it, "What are you talking about? You don't belong here any longer, ya eejit!!" - it still pops by to tempt you, but you remind it that you're a healthier, happier being!

    Cinnie, it's true the turmoils will always be there with you, but you have to remember where you came from.

    Look at this picture of me. I want you to see what I see - I now know that this was the point the doctors told me I had weeks - WEEKS - to live. My sister had asked me to hold my niece for a photo - a 9lb baby - and I couldn't hold her up. My mum was off-camera because we were all so scared my muscles would give in.

    http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

    Nowadays I'm almost 9st and hear the likes of "you've fairly packed it on!" - so the **** what. I can hold my now much larger niece and nephew in my arms and play with them - albeit very gently thanks to my ravaged innards - but I can do it.

    Getting the "bikini bod", what the hell does that even mean? Getting yourself to a certain body fat percentage? Been there, done that. Nearly died. Whatever. Are you doing it to attract someone? Because let me assure you, boys love skinny girls, but men love WOMEN.
    • #171
    #171

    first of all

    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    But do you agree that when you reach a certain BMI there's a certain degree of... futility to your actions?
    Absolutely. It didn't happen right away, but now i'm nowhere near underweight I think what on earth is the point. 7lb is a massive amount for an underweight person to lose, but the healthier you get, the less impact loosing or gaining a few pounds is.. so it's like.. is it really worth dragging all that horror back up?
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    Me ^

    Why do I imagine that losing 10 pounds will suddenly make me a more acceptable weight to put on a bikini? It's the voice trying to niggle its way back in, setting more arbitrary goals.

    Edit: and I need to remember - which is worse? Going exactly as I am now... or continuing the feeling that I always have to be the 'right' weight to do certain things.
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    Are you all reading this? What Cinnie just wrote? It's inspirational.

    To those people that suffer an eating disorder or ANY form of social acceptance disorder due to peer pressure, media expectations or body dysmorphia, this girl is an absolute genius.

    No man will find you more attractive ten pounds here nor there. No REAL man will see a girl who's skinny, who's fat, who's perfectly in-between-if-only-she-was-five-pounds-over-or-under.

    A real man views a girl, falls in love with her, and accepts her every folly. There's no median, no threshold, no "point" where a girl becomes attractive. If I find you attractive, I find you attractive. You like X literature and Y films? Me too! Your eyes are intoxicating. We both love bowling? Well, let's go bowling!

    But I'm afraid we can't date because you aren't exactly 135 lbs which is the amount I find attractive. Sorry.

    That is a ridiculous concept and Cinnie knows it - I hope the rest of you do, too. X
    • #189
    #189

    Kind of hard to write this, haven't really told anyone...

    I've tried not eating since probably year 7. at least, thats when i remember everything starting. i didn't have breakfast first, i thought it was no big deal just to skip one meal... and then i would have water or something at lunch, maybe a small snack that would last me around 4 hours.

    then dinner. ever since year 7 or whatever it was i am so picky with what i want to eat and what i dont want to eat. i cannot face butter. it is DISGUSTING. if i see it i just squirm, if i touch it i have to wash my hands.

    i do have abit more for lunch now, occassionally, and i just have a good-ish meal for dinner... thats about it.

    strange thing is its not like im actually getting thinner. i am almost 10 stone and 5"1. thats overweight. my boyfriend keeps saying i look thin, i look fine etc.. yada yada but i dont believe him.

    when its really bad i just feel like wanting to rip the skin off somehow. i hate reflections, they are the worst. they are like those expanding mirrors you get in the circus. i used to love those things as a child but now its like they are everywhere.

    i just hate my body. i hate how diets say how much i can have, and yet i have less than what diets say and im STILL this big ball of lard. how is that even possible?!

    i try and run, but the problem is i have these bad ankles so i can keel over at any point. and i just have NO energy. ive been put on anti-depressants (i have ocd too, which links with depression and anxiety), and its day 2 of them. they make me more paranoid, and make me think people hate me because of how big i am.

    i keep seeing other people around me with these thin bodies. why cant i be like them?!

    i dont even know if i do have a problem. people will turn to me and say "well you are a healthy weight". which is why i never talk about it to anyone. i think my boyfriend has an idea that i am struggling with eating, but no one else knows. I hate the taste of food in my mouth. i hate the liquidyness of it. i hate the texture. i can almost feel the fat.

    how can i be 10 stone when i know i should eat more. how can i be 10 stone and not lose weight. how can i be 10 stone?!?! i would love to be a 6. thats my goal, yet ive been trying and trying and just dont seem to be able to. i just cant get below 9.5 stone.

    what is wrong with me.

    UGH.

    ive never posted anything about these deep feelings... feel free to skip over it, im probably just making a fuss over nothing.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Are you all reading this? What Cinnie just wrote? It's inspirational.

    To those people that suffer an eating disorder or ANY form of social acceptance disorder due to peer pressure, media expectations or body dysmorphia, this girl is an absolute genius.

    No man will find you more attractive ten pounds here nor there. No REAL man will see a girl who's skinny, who's fat, who's perfectly in-between-if-only-she-was-five-pounds-over-or-under.

    A real man views a girl, falls in love with her, and accepts her every folly. There's no median, no threshold, no "point" where a girl becomes attractive. If I find you attractive, I find you attractive. You like X literature and Y films? Me too! Your eyes are intoxicating. We both love bowling? Well, let's go bowling!

    But I'm afraid we can't date because you aren't exactly 135 lbs which is the amount I find attractive. Sorry.

    That is a ridiculous concept and Cinnie knows it - I hope the rest of you do, too. X
    Why is it that you manage to make so much sense, and i know it's true, yet the little voice in your head goes 'Maybe it would be me he fancied and not Rosie if I wasn't so fat'
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    Anon I encourage you to read Toto's recent posts. They are very relevant to your situation. Putting so much emphasis on your weight is NEVER going to make you happy. Are your problems really down to your weight, or are you deflecting your depression and anxiety onto it? Antidepressants often make you feel worse at the beginning - but they should begin to help as your body gets used to them. It would be really good if you could confide in someone about this.

    You may choose to ignore this but it's a fact that you can never sustain weight loss if it is so drastic that you go into starvation mode/end up with anorexia complications that mean you have to gain weight again to stay alive.. AND your brain will undergo major changes that will mean you can't even appreciate your 'goal' body.
    • #189
    #189

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Anon I encourage you to read Toto's recent posts. They are very relevant to your situation. Putting so much emphasis on your weight is NEVER going to make you happy. Are your problems really down to your weight, or are you deflecting your depression and anxiety onto it? Antidepressants often make you feel worse at the beginning - but they should begin to help as your body gets used to them. It would be really good if you could confide in someone about this.

    You may choose to ignore this but it's a fact that you can never sustain weight loss if it is so drastic that you go into starvation mode/end up with anorexia complications that mean you have to gain weight again to stay alive.. AND your brain will undergo major changes that will mean you can't even appreciate your 'goal' body.
    dont know really, ive had ocd symptoms as long as i can remember, and the weight thing started in year 7 when i started being bullied (moved schools because of it).

    i just feel stupid. i feel stupid for feeling as if i have a problem and not eating when im clearly not skinny or underweight. i feel useless and ugh.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    It's a mental illness... unfortunately one that always tells you that you're not ___ enough.
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    It's such an arbitrary thing. Such a primitive thing. Stags rut over who has the most muscular neck. Elephant seals are attractive because of their gut. Even Silverbacks are dramatic over who has the largest nostril flare. We as a species find the most bizarre things an attractive quality.

    You should prove that the human race is a bit more evolved than that. That we adore the very subtleties of existence rather than a stupid physical trait.

    I would like to fall in love with a girl because she is interesting. Tolerant. Funny. Excitingly adventurous.Easy to enjoy a Saturday morning with. Takes her cuppa a certain way, but for a cute reason. Is frightened of a particular insect because of a childhood fear. Loves eating a certain colour of jolly rancher because it has a specific psychological effect on her based on personal experience.

    Attraction, being, frames - WHO YOU ARE - don't define it by the shape of WHO YOU ARE. Define it by the things you love, hate, do, don't do, are fearful of... those are the things that make you an exciting human being, and not merely a pretty "thing".

    Sure, if you're desperate to be objectified, to be itemised - lose weight. Gain weight - whatever. I don't care. I've dated girls that are 8 stone and I've dated girls that are 16 stone. Neither made me feel anything beyond intrigue for the moment. Am I a different man than I was ten years ago? Was the confused narcissist with a tight six-pack and a mere 7 stone to his frame more desirable than the 9 stone, enlightened, older version of me? Would you fancy him, but not me? If you answered yes, then maybe it's time to think about your perception of what attraction actually meansto you.

    Cinnie is beautiful. She'd be beautiful five stones heavier, or five stones lighter. Of course, in such cases her health would be considered, but what I mean is - a person enlightened to accept their being is important and beautiful no matter WHAT the scenario might be.

    You are beautiful too - potentially. Don't let that beauty be marred by a totally arbitrary set of rules that makes no sense. You can be the most important person in the world if you try hard enough.

    If you are a beautiful girl but have the biggest pot-belly in the world, I will not notice it. I will merely be enchanted by how beautiful you are. And when the person states, "but what about the pot-belly?!"

    I will reply, "What pot-belly?".
    • #189
    #189

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    It's a mental illness... unfortunately one that always tells you that you're not ___ enough.
    i just want to be thin.. i cant even tell anyone how i struggle each day to put food in my mouth. yet youd think this struggle would mean im getting thinner but apparantly not.

    i just give up...

    sorry to waste your time
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    The entire concept of "getting thinner" is "depriving your body of the things it needs until it's forced to digest itself".

    When you put it that way it's not quite as attractive a concept.
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    Lots hitting hard at home. Am I a confused narcissist, too...? Probably.

    I don't even particularly have a fitness goal, except a bit more strength and energy, and to not feel ashamed about working out 2 or 3 times a week :/
    I feel a bit vain taking care of myself in general.

    My friends asked me to town this week to get hammered but I didn't really want to do it a) because I wanted to go to gym again (not great reason) b) because I wanted an early night (mmm) c) because it's my uncle's 50th today so I want to actually enjoy it with family d) because the combination of binge-drinking and sleep deprivation is the single worst thing for how I feel.

    and I felt awful saying No to stay in. I hate it. Thought they'd hate me forever. That's why I have to ask permission to go to the gym or sometimes go to bed because I hate not being there for people...I feel so selfish. And even wanting to get fitter seems selfish.

    Maybe you're right?
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    Riku, you've hit the nail on the head.

    If you have any sense of turmoil over a decision you've made based on a set of tenets you've set yourself - and to simplify that I mean, if someone requests something of you, but you refuse based on some unreasonably rule you've set yourself - you at least have the luxury of KNOWING you've done the wrong thing because of your disorder.

    Anorexia is making excuses not to see people in case they impose calories upon you. Orthorexia is making excuses not to see people in case they impose a situation where you cannot improve your physical fitness overtly.

    Two sides of the very same coin. X
 
 
 
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