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    Hi guys,
    I guess I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still following this forum. I just can't think of how to word anything so I don't tend to say a lot. I love to read some of your posts, Toto - you're incredible and so inspirational, I really wish you all the best. To everyone else, it's great to hear your achievements, especially cinnie - your post (albeit a few pages back) really moved me.
    I'm struggling quite a lot right now, I can't seem to do anything right and I don't really know what to do. It doesnt help that I'm spending my time surrounded by the best group if friends I have ever had and I have no reason to feel like this, makes me feel even more selfish and guilty.
    Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so negative and and pretty vague.. Guess I just wanted to let you know that I;m still thinking of you all.
    Take care, J x
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    (Original post by jft18)
    Hi guys,
    I guess I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still following this forum. I just can't think of how to word anything so I don't tend to say a lot. I love to read some of your posts, Toto - you're incredible and so inspirational, I really wish you all the best. To everyone else, it's great to hear your achievements, especially cinnie - your post (albeit a few pages back) really moved me.
    I'm struggling quite a lot right now, I can't seem to do anything right and I don't really know what to do. It doesnt help that I'm spending my time surrounded by the best group if friends I have ever had and I have no reason to feel like this, makes me feel even more selfish and guilty.
    Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so negative and and pretty vague.. Guess I just wanted to let you know that I;m still thinking of you all.
    Take care, J x
    We're thinking of you too bud if you're struggling, come back more! Let us help you get rid of those bad feelings
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    I'm happy to say that after three weeks of rather intensive medication and diet I am now the minimum 9st weight requirement to get the increased, higher level of bone medicine.

    They can now start plying me with the hormone/alendronic acids/steroids I wasn't allowed at my previous BMI. I anticipate that the next couple of weeks will be a bit rough as I adjust to it all, but this is yet another milestone down, and though it'll be a slog I'm happy to take the short-term hit for the long-term benefits.

    A wee bit of weight gain and a few days a week totally oot ma face for a worth it for the next forty-odd years of WORKING SKELETON!

    And yet, 9 stones may make me feel gigantic, but only compared to my previous self. As all those around me keep telling me, "a man in his late twenties at 9 stones is still really quite little." And when you say it like that, without being introspective, it makes sense.
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    URGH.

    Why is it that with a mental associative disorder that as soon as someone says one thing, a great day can become a dire day?

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    I've been on a positive spree the past wee while so I feel I am allowed to rant a little.

    I declared to my friends and family I had met that 9 stone goal weight to then be referred to the new medical team which can up my dose of medicine.

    Then one of my cousins comments, "9 stone?! You look loads more than that. I'm 9 and a half and look much less than you. Still, well done."

    Wow, a real compliment, right?

    I can see where she is coming from however. When you gain weight rapidly as I have a few times throughout the recovery period, you accumulate weight rapidly in one place wherever you are genetically predisposed to store it before it goes around your body to settle. This is nothing astounding nor new. But my "places" are my gut and my face. My face and belly go extremely rotund. This is just where I must suck it up and accept in the short term, I will look and feel bloated and swollen.

    I will say however, last time I gained several pounds in few weeks, the distribution started within the month. The only issue I have is that my skeleton is too brittle to do any recorded exercise - INCLUDING no-impact (swimming, etc).

    The thing is, my mum pointed out something really interesting. She's the most honest out of my whole family with me - and said "You can tell it's temporary because your cheeks are puffing, but your eyes are still sunken. When it's temporary weight, your face is more even. So don't fret about than, son. When it evens out your face will even out."- this is better advice to hear than "there there, no, you look fine!!" - you need logical support. This is logical support, and I know it's true because it happened to me before if you recall. I got huge swollen cheeks, then they disappeared.

    I have no shame nor nothing to hide, so here is me last night in the gaming room , sporting hamster-cheeked acceptance:

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1374349674

    I accept it will die down after a short while, but the knowledge it's going to keep getting more harsh with all these meds - steroids, alendronic acid, morphine-based painkillers - I have to hang on to the notion that it is TEMPORARY.

    My only solution? Suck it up. Deal with it. You will look swollen for a while. This is how you atone for how you ravaged your body!
    • #143
    #143

    Need a good kick up the a*** by you wonderful straight-talking legends on here.

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    I've binged, I've purged, I've cried (a lot), I've contemplated some very stupid thing. Basically, I'm running out of reasons (and the resulting motivation) to keep fighting this.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    URGH.

    Why is it that with a mental associative disorder that as soon as someone says one thing, a great day can become a dire day?

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I've been on a positive spree the past wee while so I feel I am allowed to rant a little.

    I declared to my friends and family I had met that 9 stone goal weight to then be referred to the new medical team which can up my dose of medicine.

    Then one of my cousins comments, "9 stone?! You look loads more than that. I'm 9 and a half and look much less than you. Still, well done."

    Wow, a real compliment, right?

    I can see where she is coming from however. When you gain weight rapidly as I have a few times throughout the recovery period, you accumulate weight rapidly in one place wherever you are genetically predisposed to store it before it goes around your body to settle. This is nothing astounding nor new. But my "places" are my gut and my face. My face and belly go extremely rotund. This is just where I must suck it up and accept in the short term, I will look and feel bloated and swollen.

    I will say however, last time I gained several pounds in few weeks, the distribution started within the month. The only issue I have is that my skeleton is too brittle to do any recorded exercise - INCLUDING no-impact (swimming, etc).

    The thing is, my mum pointed out something really interesting. She's the most honest out of my whole family with me - and said "You can tell it's temporary because your cheeks are puffing, but your eyes are still sunken. When it's temporary weight, your face is more even. So don't fret about than, son. When it evens out your face will even out."- this is better advice to hear than "there there, no, you look fine!!" - you need logical support. This is logical support, and I know it's true because it happened to me before if you recall. I got huge swollen cheeks, then they disappeared.

    I have no shame nor nothing to hide, so here is me last night in the gaming room , sporting hamster-cheeked acceptance:

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1374349674

    I accept it will die down after a short while, but the knowledge it's going to keep getting more harsh with all these meds - steroids, alendronic acid, morphine-based painkillers - I have to hang on to the notion that it is TEMPORARY.

    My only solution? Suck it up. Deal with it. You will look swollen for a while. This is how you atone for how you ravaged your body!
    Spoiler:
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    Toto, in all honesty, the hamster-cheeks are barely noticeable. You just look like you're on the road back to health!
    Congrats with your gains man, hope that the meds adjustment period is gentle
    X
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    Time to de-anon... I'm the one that forgot to use spoiler tags a couple of pages ago

    Anyway...

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    I was at the dentists today, and I picked up a magazine to read while I waited, as you do. It was a psychology magazine, and there was an article in there about the relationships people have with their bodies - how we try and find the balance between "too big" and "too small". There was something in there which struck a chord with me, so I took a photo:

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    I'm so scared of how much this rings true with me. Particularly the bit about not eating being an achievement. I haven't eaten since 11am, and I am so hungry it hurts, but there is an increasing part of me that feels I have achieved something in not eating, and that if I were to have something I would be giving in and displaying weakness.

    Someone please snap some sense into me :cry:
    • #81
    #81

    Hope everyone is doing well.

    I went to see a new counsellor on Friday who seems to be a bit more empathic. She's trying to encourage me to keep a food diary. However, I'm already finding it hard to stick to it (as I've already gone off the rail numerous times ) and own up. Anyone else tried using a food diary and had much success?

    Also, another thing she's trying to implement is regular meals which I'm finding hard (just can't seem to start once I start feeding!). Just seems to induce more anxiety and stress than I hoped.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hope everyone is doing well.

    I went to see a new counsellor on Friday who seems to be a bit more empathic. She's trying to encourage me to keep a food diary. However, I'm already finding it hard to stick to it (as I've already gone off the rail numerous times ) and own up. Anyone else tried using a food diary and had much success?

    Also, another thing she's trying to implement is regular meals which I'm finding hard (just can't seem to start once I start feeding!). Just seems to induce more anxiety and stress than I hoped.
    One think I WILL tell you not to do... is lie. It's SO easy to give in and lie about your food diary. It helps nobody. Doesn't help you OR the people that want to aid you in your recovery. It's something you'll consider again and again.

    My therapist tells me everything. She's seen it all. People trying to trick her, but she's a smart woman, for sure. Everything from catching a girl drinking a full litre of water before her appointment to "weigh more" to another apparently stating she had been drinking fortisips in her food diary when the dietician had explicitly stated the girl had outright refused a supply of them.

    You'll get found out. If you're having problems, SAY you're having problems. I know the nature of the illness is to outright lie at every junction, but be honest with yourself and others and you'll be MUCH better off for it.
    • #183
    #183

    Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain...
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    So I just ate a sandwich.. With cheese. That's bread and cheese two of my biggest fear foods. I know I needed to do it and part of me is proud. So why do I feel like sobbing. I'm scared of doing this. Really scared.


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    Sometimes I wish I could help you guys on this thread, a part of me feels bad for only ranting about how things are going for me... But I don't know what to say, or what advice to give without sounding hypocritical.

    I feel bad for ranting here, but I really need to get this off my chest.

    Update (TW?)
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    Things were going fine. I started this new DBT therapy, my weight loss had slowed down etc etc.
    But mentally... Anorexia completely took over me. It came at me in every form possible - "Walk this certain distance a day", "Don't eat until your parents get back, nobody will know", "Restrict to XX calories a day"... It got worse when I was putting my body through all of this, and my weight loss wasn't significant. In fact, it seemed to everyone else like I was coping really well.
    Now I'm at a point where the restrictions are getting tighter and tighter, physically I feel like I can't continue. But every day is the same.

    I do my required amount of walking a day. Come home, exhausted. Sit in front of the computer, my mind completely obsessed with food and mealplans. Wait until my dad gets back. Then eat, alone, in my room - my carefully counted number of calories. I don't speak to anyone. I go to bed early. Sleep. And do the same thing the next day. I feel absolutely crap.
    Then in therapy, I don't say a thing. I say - "Oh yes, I've been eating this, that, this, that. Yup. Everything I'm supposed to be." I don't want them to think I haven't been trying, because I have. It's just so difficult...

    Then there's Sixth Form. I went to the Induction Day, and I felt like everyone was judging me. I felt like I'd already been given that horrible label "the anorexic" all over again. I didn't feel confident in what I was wearing, my jeans just looked baggy and horrible - and made me look like a nine year old kid. I couldn't function socially, my mind was like a cabbage because of restriction, so I probably made a fool of myself.
    Sixth Form is what is motivating me, but at the same time it is what is holding me back. I get that voice that says "If you go in there at a normal, healthy weight - what will they think? They'll think - 'oh, she's put on a lot of weight hasn't she!'" I know it's not a realistic thought...
    Then there's another part of me that is scared of leaving it behind and accepting responsibility. I'm scared of growing up, university, having an energetic, fulfilling life. I haven't had any friend since I stopped going to school at 12, so my social skills are awful.

    The thing is... I know I don't want this any more. I started this DBT therapy because I WANT to get better. I want to find better, more helpful ways of coping.
    They've set a weight limit, and if I drop below it - I'm given a two week suspension, and then if I haven't gained I get kicked out, and discharged completely from the ED services. I know it makes sense, and it's fair... But it just feels like everyone will be giving up on me.

    Today, for the first time in weeks, I gained weight. 200g. Whilst also knowing that I had been restricting the past week. It doesn't make sense, and now I feel awful, and tempted to restrict even further. But I know that restriction doesn't equal weight loss, just misery and fatigue.

    If it was as simple as "just eating" I'd be fine. Been there, done that. But my thoughts just won't stop, won't change. I don't want my life to consist of being in and out of hospital, possessed by thoughts on food 24/7.

    Rant over. I feel nervous posting this, because it's the first time I've really admitted it's not going so well...
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain...
    I developed bad stomach ulcers that will sadly never fully heal as a result of my ED. Your body grows so accustomed to being starved that the digestive acids become less potent to the point that, when your body FINALLY gets fed, the acid goes overtime. It corrodes the stomach lining and continues to do so, only being exacerbated by you not eating enough.

    Lactic lining helps; drinking milk can quell acid problems/ulcer issues if this is what you've developed, but ask your GP first to ensure the source of the issue.
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    If you are a Scot on this thread, I suggest you consider taking one monday to head over to the No Bodies Perfect Coffee evenings. They were a great boon in my recovery and gives you a huge amount of non-biased perspective.


    I know I'm Stirling so going to Edinburgh isn't TOO out of my reach, but it's another option for those of you that feel they need more support in Scotland dealing with their mental disorders and want to meet likeminded sufferers, knowing how others deal with the hardships.

    Here's the leaflet with all the details:

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1374696042

    Heck, you might even see me there!! XXX
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    Toto I had no idea you were from Stirling! I lived there for a year and went to uni there - back home in Cumbernauld now!

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    my net intake is higher but still low at 1000-1100 kcals most days. I want to exercise as it makes me feel better, but I know I can't because I'm not eating enough to support myself as is. I feel crap for not exercising but crap for eating, so I can't win
    I feel like I need to exercise, whereas realistically I know that I need to sort out my eating and views towards food before I start any form of programme again


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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    Toto I had no idea you were from Stirling! I lived there for a year and went to uni there - back home in Cumbernauld now!

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    my net intake is higher but still low at 1000-1100 kcals most days. I want to exercise as it makes me feel better, but I know I can't because I'm not eating enough to support myself as is. I feel crap for not exercising but crap for eating, so I can't win
    I feel like I need to exercise, whereas realistically I know that I need to sort out my eating and views towards food before I start any form of programme again


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    The world is a baby-wee place, Rubi!

    Though I will not overly put you down for having half the calories that a nine year old boy needs, I will say that I'm a bit disappointed you haven't had that real "push" moment. For me it was hearing my skeleton was absolutely ****ed, and that I would likely die through bone erosion than anything else. That terrified me. One day my skeleton would collapse?! Jesus. Anorexia, who would have it, right?

    Tried to kill be via liver failure. Weeks to live. I fought it. Got complacent. Thought I'd beat it. Now, tries to kill me via brittle bones?! What a ****.

    Listen, I am only saying this because some people never get the luxury of an overt wake-up call moment - TRY HARDER. I don't say what I say because I want to hurt, I say what I say because I want you to see REALITY. I am almost BMI 20! That's awesome! I still have anxieties about myself. But now, the further from the cusp I get, the more I *understand* it. I was being so, SO la-di-dah about my recovery when I was on the verge of recovery. I could play about with it. I could totally accept and flout all the stuff about ED and whatever. "I'm still immune, I've got x, I'm not cured." It doesn't absolve you of responsibility, though.

    Roob, I know you are a woman that seeks to get better for more than just her own vanity and wellbeing. Trust me when I say, the more healed, the more weight restored you get - the more you are accepted, the more you UNDERSTAND the reasoning.

    Right now you are still in the bubble, but the bubble is crap. It's ****. *******s. It wants you forever, it wants to keep you in this crap place where you have nothing in your life worth living for. But hey, at least you can count calories and exercise to excess, right? Yeah, that thing that nearly ended my life. Sounds ****ing great.

    I am on the other side of the hedge now, I have carte blanche to say the things I do. You do NOT have the luxury of messing about with your life. Even healed as I am, I still face a life-threatening illness. I'm in the last stages of beating anorexia, yet all the things anorexia left behind have ruined me as a person. It's time to think about what you hold dear - weight, exercise, numbers - or life, family, friends, and health.
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    So I was good today and I ate all of my dinner this evening without fuss!!

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    ...but I didn't eat any lunch in order to prepare for the calories, so I suppose it doesn't count.
    • #149
    #149

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Does anyone here suffer from stomach ulcer/acid issues? Any suggestions? Even when I eat normally sometimes I suffer from immense pain...
    I don't have ulcers but I have a weird problem where even when I eat a relatively small meal I get awful croaking, like frog sounds in my throat afterwards, like acid coming up or something.
    • #122
    #122

    Havent posted here for a while, however ive been keeping up date date with everybodys tremendous successes and for those struggling, big hug, keep going.

    Ive been doing pretty well lately, much fewer binge-purge cycles. I can feel it creeping back upon me again though. Its become instinct to walk to the bathroom and purge if I feel slightly full, yet I feel more in denial than ever. I can hear myself screaming 'stop, stop!' but I cant, and im so ashamed at my lack of willpower. Im due to start university in 6weeks and I feel like its going to plunge me back in my old ways and routines. Sigh.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Havent posted here for a while, however ive been keeping up date date with everybodys tremendous successes and for those struggling, big hug, keep going.

    Ive been doing pretty well lately, much fewer binge-purge cycles. I can feel it creeping back upon me again though. Its become instinct to walk to the bathroom and purge if I feel slightly full, yet I feel more in denial than ever. I can hear myself screaming 'stop, stop!' but I cant, and im so ashamed at my lack of willpower. Im due to start university in 6weeks and I feel like its going to plunge me back in my old ways and routines. Sigh.
    I'm feeling exactly the same about Uni at the minute. I feel like I'm trying so hard right now, I really am, like I've eaten a meal, albeit small, multiple times this week without throwing up. I've done everything I'm being asked to in therapy. And its **** scary. But whats scaring me more is that there's still that voice in my head that's saying, 'this is only temporary. Don't worry when you go to uni, you wont transfer doctors, therapy will stop, you can just go back to your old ways'. And I'm trying to fight that thought because it is so ****ing wrong! It makes me so angry. Get out of my head. I cant let uni take me backwards. I just dont really know how to ensure it doesnt, So I can completely relate, although I dont have any advice as such. :hugs:
 
 
 
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