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    Hey there, I was just wanting to vent about issues. Sorry if I waste your time.

    So, like many people here (I think) I have a very unhealthy obsession with my weight & food.
    I calorie count a hell of a lot, I refrain from looking in the mirror or any reflective surface so I don't see myself & everything kinda just sucks at the moment.

    I'm not anorexic - if anything, I'm somewhat bulimic. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of bingeing and sometimes purging but most times fasting.
    I see myself as 'big' or 'fat' which is contrary to what other people believe, but they're probably lying (who knows?).
    On top of the whole food problem, I'm also a perfectionist - I very frequently set myself unreachable targets and I usually procrastinate A LOT (in terms of A-levels, anyway).

    And on top of that, I feel as though I have an innate desire to feel wanted (and loved) - as is exhibited by my mess ups I have with people (well, guys, as I'm gay).
    So this is what happens: I meet a guy, they're friendly to me in one way or another, and I form somewhat of an emotional attachment towards them straight away - and as this happens, I experience feelings of jealousy, hatred and depression. Jealousy because I envy the fact that he's talking to someone else other than me (crazy, right?). Hatred because he's not talking to me & depression because of the overwhelming impact of the other feelings. Most times this causes me to self-harm and then I spiral into an obsessive craziness.

    So, yeah. That's me - there's so much more but I can't think right now - and I wouldn't even mind but the latter aren't even eating disorders. My apologies.

    All the best,
    Tom.


    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by The Lawful T.J)
    Hey there, I was just wanting to vent about issues. Sorry if I waste your time.

    So, like many people here (I think) I have a very unhealthy obsession with my weight & food.
    I calorie count a hell of a lot, I refrain from looking in the mirror or any reflective surface so I don't see myself & everything kinda just sucks at the moment.

    I'm not anorexic - if anything, I'm somewhat bulimic. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of bingeing and sometimes purging but most times fasting.
    I see myself as 'big' or 'fat' which is contrary to what other people believe, but they're probably lying (who knows?).
    On top of the whole food problem, I'm also a perfectionist - I very frequently set myself unreachable targets and I usually procrastinate A LOT (in terms of A-levels, anyway).

    And on top of that, I feel as though I have an innate desire to feel wanted (and loved) - as is exhibited by my mess ups I have with people (well, guys, as I'm gay).
    So this is what happens: I meet a guy, they're friendly to me in one way or another, and I form somewhat of an emotional attachment towards them straight away - and as this happens, I experience feelings of jealousy, hatred and depression. Jealousy because I envy the fact that he's talking to someone else other than me (crazy, right?). Hatred because he's not talking to me & depression because of the overwhelming impact of the other feelings. Most times this causes me to self-harm and then I spiral into an obsessive craziness.

    So, yeah. That's me - there's so much more but I can't think right now - and I wouldn't even mind but the latter aren't even eating disorders. My apologies.

    All the best,
    Tom.


    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
    I can relate to quite a lot of things in this post :hugs:

    We can do it! We are strong people and we can shake off the shackles of this disease
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can relate to quite a lot of things in this post :hugs:

    We can do it! We are strong people and we can shake off the shackles of this disease
    Aha, if only!
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    (Original post by The Lawful T.J)
    Aha, if only!
    Oops, wasn't meant to be anon.

    If we both tell each other we can do it then maybe we will start to believe it. I know I need someone who understands telling me I can do it, rather than being told "you just need to eat" all the time
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    (Original post by snowyowl)
    Oops, wasn't meant to be anon.

    If we both tell each other we can do it then maybe we will start to believe it. I know I need someone who understands telling me I can do it, rather than being told "you just need to eat" all the time
    Aha, it's fine
    I don't honestly believe I can do it personally :P
    But I believe you can! I do
    And I know.. I hate people :|



    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
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    Bear in mind - and I stress this to all the recent posters - this is a disease of OUR MINDS.Not a disease of society, of our bodies and how they do not conform, of the food we eat or how it wants to hurt us. The only thing broken is OUR MIND. But when it's your mind you use to determine danger, is that not the eternal paradox? If you are afraid of water, standing in a burning building, do you embrace the fire instead?

    Listen, I know it sounds harsh on you guys, but I know harsh love is the most powerful. But as soon as you realise YOU are the problem, not the food or the people or the media or the judgement of your peers, you will be three-quarters there.When I was in the start of recovery I used what I call "elemental therapy."

    I broke things down to simple blocks - elements.My body as it was needed exactly 1700 calories at it's most emaciated to maintain weight for a man. So I made that seventeen blocks. I calculated things as blocks. A Cadbury Freddo is a block. A banana, a block. A Big Mac? Five blocks.

    By changing up the game and altering the format it was no longer so familiar, though it was calculative, and I was still able to use my neuroses, but in a way that ensured I got enough "blocks" a day to "beat" my 17-block target. It felt good some days when I got 20 blocks. Some days, I would get 22 blocks. No mention of calories or fat or anything. It was just like a secret "healing language".

    Sometimes it's better to simplify as opposed to completely decimate something in details.
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by The Lawful T.J)
    Aha, it's fine
    I don't honestly believe I can do it personally :P
    But I believe you can! I do
    And I know.. I hate people :|



    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
    Why do you think I can do it, but not you? I'm sure you can

    I'm not even that light (8st7 at 5ft5) but I keep getting told "you just need to eat a few Big Macs!"
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why do you think I can do it, but not you? I'm sure you can

    I'm not even that light (8st7 at 5ft5) but I keep getting told "you just need to eat a few Big Macs!"
    Awh
    And because I suck at life ^^


    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
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    I am going to conduct an experiment today. After all, I can't get better until I know exactly what I'm facing...

    Spoiler:
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    I'm going to carry a piece of paper around with me today and tally up how many times I think about food and calories in a day.


    I'll report back tonight
    (Original post by The Lawful T.J)
    Awh
    And because I suck at life ^^


    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
    I'm sure you don't! But anyway, perhaps we should keep this to PM intead of derailing the thread.
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    Experiment over:

    Spoiler:
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    I worried about calories 30 times in one day. 30 times!!

    My boyfriend told me we're meeting his mum and gran for lunch tomorrow and my FIRST thought, before 'ooh that's be nice, not seen them in a while', was "Better make sure I skip breakfast then..."
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    (Original post by snowyowl)
    Experiment over:

    Spoiler:
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    I worried about calories 30 times in one day. 30 times!!

    My boyfriend told me we're meeting his mum and gran for lunch tomorrow and my FIRST thought, before 'ooh that's be nice, not seen them in a while', was "Better make sure I skip breakfast then..."
    Awh


    "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
    • #183
    #183

    Next weeks go away for 5 days with my family. They have no idea I've struggled with an ED for years, so I have to eat and act normally around them. I'm both terrified that my stomach will play up and cause me pain and excited at the thought of eating normally and properly for 5 days. I just hope my acid and ulcer behaves.
    • #190
    #190

    One for the girls here (Sorry lads) - haven't had a period for about 3-4 years now, when they're on their way back in, is there any warning they'll be on their way to look out for? Discharge, anything like that? Also, when some of you were without periods - was it ever normal for you to get regular discharge sometimes?
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    I have a friend who's an artist (besides you Toto :P) and frankly he is amazing. He was good at it in college but now at uni he's phenomenal. He recently did some Game of Thrones sketches and
    they're getting 50+ likes on Facebook each and so many people telling him how incredible they are.


    I did the same with some cover versions of songs (because I don't ever really intend my main hobby or talent to be 'the gym', just one of them ) but the most I got was a handful of sympathy likes and supportive comments from friends i.e. sympathy likes. Pitiful.

    (Granted he has twice as many Facebook @Friends' as me anyway because I deleted half when I had my first breakdown, but still)

    It makes me feel really bad. It also makes me feel inadequate because this guy can handle the late nights/drinking and stuff, there is no way he could have drew that with a hangover or sleep-deprived.
    This guy's also by the sounds of it, a hit with the ladies. So he owns me at conversation too. And unlike me he has an actual sense of humour rather than just being awk.

    This has nothing to do with food or weight I guess but it makes me feel 'fat' (inadequate and unattractive) when I try and realise I suck and don't try nearly hard enough, even though most of the day is still a struggle to get through psychologically and I'm always tired. I'm struggling to get out of bed and this guy is making this.
    Sorry for the low note, CBT warns against 'Compare and Despair' cognitive distortions but this one really feels justified. Especially because I did make an effort with my hobbies, and still just get laughed at.
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I have a friend who's an artist (besides you Toto :P) and frankly he is amazing. He was good at it in college but now at uni he's phenomenal. He recently did some Game of Thrones sketches and
    they're getting 50+ likes on Facebook each and so many people telling him how incredible they are.


    I did the same with some cover versions of songs (because I don't ever really intend my main hobby or talent to be 'the gym', just one of them ) but the most I got was a handful of sympathy likes and supportive comments from friends i.e. sympathy likes. Pitiful.

    (Granted he has twice as many Facebook @Friends' as me anyway because I deleted half when I had my first breakdown, but still)

    It makes me feel really bad. It also makes me feel inadequate because this guy can handle the late nights/drinking and stuff, there is no way he could have drew that with a hangover or sleep-deprived.
    This guy's also by the sounds of it, a hit with the ladies. So he owns me at conversation too. And unlike me he has an actual sense of humour rather than just being awk.

    This has nothing to do with food or weight I guess but it makes me feel 'fat' (inadequate and unattractive) when I try and realise I suck and don't try nearly hard enough, even though most of the day is still a struggle to get through psychologically and I'm always tired. I'm struggling to get out of bed and this guy is making this.
    Sorry for the low note, CBT warns against 'Compare and Despair' cognitive distortions but this one really feels justified. Especially because I did make an effort with my hobbies, and still just get laughed at.
    But you've been aware for a while now that your personal battle stems from a self-implemented view of inadequacy. You think that you have no innate outward talent and so seek to better your core being as a result.

    But everyone is good at something.

    In fact, that's where the likes of "competitive anorexia" comes from. The person believes they have no "real" talent, and through anorexia/orthorexia, seeks to become the "best" at that. Of course, we all know the "best" anorexic is in fact, dead, because that's the only viable outcome of severe restriction. But the person is so obsessed with the notion of getting to be the most able, the most strict, the most stern restrictive mind that they want to become the most unfaltering, regimented, skinny/ripped, toned individual in the world.

    This is actually a 99% + physical impossibility genetically, because the genes are composed in a way to have you physically carry your own frame in a specific way. That's like a Tiger looking at how skinny a Cheetah is and striving to have exactly the same physical structure. Same base genus, but totally different beasts.

    I think the annoying thing is we ALL know that we're frustrated by our own actions, yet continue to do what we do. But to be "good" at being mentally disordered is to severely impair our social and physical lives, sometimes to the point of damage beyond any repair.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    But you've been aware for a while now that your personal battle stems from a self-implemented view of inadequacy. You think that you have no innate outward talent and so seek to better your core being as a result.

    But everyone is good at something.

    In fact, that's where the likes of "competitive anorexia" comes from. The person believes they have no "real" talent, and through anorexia/orthorexia, seeks to become the "best" at that. Of course, we all know the "best" anorexic is in fact, dead, because that's the only viable outcome of severe restriction. But the person is so obsessed with the notion of getting to be the most able, the most strict, the most stern restrictive mind that they want to become the most unfaltering, regimented, skinny/ripped, toned individual in the world.

    This is actually a 99% + physical impossibility genetically, because the genes are composed in a way to have you physically carry your own frame in a specific way. That's like a Tiger looking at how skinny a Cheetah is and striving to have exactly the same physical structure. Same base genus, but totally different beasts.

    I think the annoying thing is we ALL know that we're frustrated by our own actions, yet continue to do what we do. But to be "good" at being mentally disordered is to severely impair our social and physical lives, sometimes to the point of damage beyond any repair.
    I understannd being the best at something like this is just being good at self-destruction, basically. I do want to work on the jealousy, and actually you're right, I'm still trying to be a better person in every aspect, an it's not getting me far. I'm just finding a lot of people contradicting the whole 'you're the good the way you are' thing
    Would still be nice to be awesome at something though :P
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    ^^^
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I understannd being the best at something like this is just being good at self-destruction, basically. I do want to work on the jealousy, and actually you're right, I'm still trying to be a better person in every aspect, an it's not getting me far. I'm just finding a lot of people contradicting the whole 'you're the good the way you are' thing
    Would still be nice to be awesome at something though :P
    Therein lies the hypocrisy my friend. I mean, you even started up an entirely new thread to devote to your own self-loathing.

    Your own accomplishments and goals are dirt, and everyone else is within the heavens, basking in the rays of sunshine the gods don't keep for themselves, right, Riku? And you're saying you only get "pity love", which implies you don't WANT pity love, but reality dictates a person will react to your self-loathing attitude by perpetuating pity, and this isn't what you want.

    I say this is hypocritical behaviour because your entire disorder is a boorish, relentlessly virile one, one that says you must EAT CLEAN, BE STRONG, DON'T FALTER, and you're really just a helpless lad, weak and beaten, desperate to garner the attention you feel you deserve.

    This is not a slur or insult. This is me calling it as it is.

    This is throwing it out there, but do you have younger siblings by any chance? People with your disorder often suffer in the manner you do as "middle children" - naturally the eldest gets the lion's share of maternal and paternal support, undivided and focused. Therefore it's predominantly this child that goes on to become the academic adept. The middle child begins to receive this love and attention, but as soon as the next sibling appears, this gets diverted, and the middle sibling feels short-changed. This is why middle-children (any child between first and last in a family) often become the most attention-starved, most highly-charged enthusiastic "trying" sort.

    Do you never wonder why the most athletic in the family is often the second-oldest in almost 70% of families?

    It's when a person believes they have only limited avenues to truly show off, exert their abilities, and be a star, and get the attention they feel they merited from the start. They don't want to be in direct competition with their older siblings/peers, so set their own goals. Often, the most introverted, personal goals you can possibly have... is the works of you own body.

    I am not calling you out and saying you're starving for attention, but by saying you do not want pity love is asking for pity, which is another type of motherly love you might (potentially) not have received.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Therein lies the hypocrisy my friend. I mean, you even started up an entirely new thread to devote to your own self-loathing.

    Your own accomplishments and goals are dirt, and everyone else is within the heavens, basking in the rays of sunshine the gods don't keep for themselves, right, Riku? And you're saying you only get "pity love", which implies you don't WANT pity love, but reality dictates a person will react to your self-loathing attitude by perpetuating pity, and this isn't what you want.

    I say this is hypocritical behaviour because your entire disorder is a boorish, relentlessly virile one, one that says you must EAT CLEAN, BE STRONG, DON'T FALTER, and you're really just a helpless lad, weak and beaten, desperate to garner the attention you feel you deserve.

    This is not a slur or insult. This is me calling it as it is.

    This is throwing it out there, but do you have younger siblings by any chance? People with your disorder often suffer in the manner you do as "middle children" - naturally the eldest gets the lion's share of maternal and paternal support, undivided and focused. Therefore it's predominantly this child that goes on to become the academic adept. The middle child begins to receive this love and attention, but as soon as the next sibling appears, this gets diverted, and the middle sibling feels short-changed. This is why middle-children (any child between first and last in a family) often become the most attention-starved, most highly-charged enthusiastic "trying" sort.

    Do you never wonder why the most athletic in the family is often the second-oldest in almost 70% of families?

    It's when a person believes they have only limited avenues to truly show off, exert their abilities, and be a star, and get the attention they feel they merited from the start. They don't want to be in direct competition with their older siblings/peers, so set their own goals. Often, the most introverted, personal goals you can possibly have... is the works of you own body.

    I am not calling you out and saying you're starving for attention, but by saying you do not want pity love is asking for pity, which is another type of motherly love you might (potentially) not have received.
    Spoiler:
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    I did have someone just tell me to 'stop being a pathetic whiny *****' which is the flipside of the coin, harsh way of putting it

    I'm the middle child yeah :cool: I suspected this was the case for families but hearing it from someone else is eye-opening
    my younger sister's a streetwise model/dancer and my older brother's head of a musical society/came top of his year in science Masters now doing PhD. Absolute genius.
    I don't feel by any means stupid nor talentless but they do seem to have withered the last few years. I put a lot of effort into my studies in A Levels and gave up most other things including a good night's sleep and reading non-course reads. The only thing I really kept doing was singing, because it's the one I was always praised for the most and the most liberating one for me
    but I always end up singing loud which again suggests attention-seeking
    I never intended to be the attention-seeking drama king-the whole point of barely coming out of my room or talking to anyone in public is to avoid it-but it always ends up coming out like that



    .hmmm thanks for pointing this out
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I did have someone just tell me to 'stop being a pathetic whiny *****' which is the flipside of the coin, harsh way of putting it

    I'm the middle child yeah :cool: I suspected this was the case for families but hearing it from someone else is eye-opening
    my younger sister's a streetwise model/dancer and my older brother's head of a musical society/came top of his year in science Masters now doing PhD. Absolute genius.
    I don't feel by any means stupid nor talentless but they do seem to have withered the last few years. I put a lot of effort into my studies in A Levels and gave up most other things including a good night's sleep and reading non-course reads. The only thing I really kept doing was singing, because it's the one I was always praised for the most and the most liberating one for me
    but I always end up singing loud which again suggests attention-seeking
    I never intended to be the attention-seeking drama king-the whole point of barely coming out of my room or talking to anyone in public is to avoid it-but it always ends up coming out like that



    .hmmm thanks for pointing this out
    I know it's very "Psychology 101" of me, but it did seem really rather template-esque the way you were acting.

    Riku, you are nobody's shadow. The people that wallow in pity of their own misfires are merely people who don't realise you don't have to leap from footstep to footstep of those trodden by your family or peers. You can easily etch your own path without waving your arms around and shouting "LOOK HERE!"

    We're all the same beast, the same creature, all good at something and terrible at another. But how "good" are we? Well, only as good as our peers deem us. We ourselves might gauge differently.

    I for one have gained what many would consider great success in my field, yet I personally deem myself a lowly serf in that crowd. People say to me "How can you sketch something that looks like THAT in twenty minutes?! WOW!" - but I say to me, "Why can you only sketch things up quickly before losing interest?! Your art could be a million times better if you drew for an hour or two like other artists do! Pah!".

    You are your own worst critic, but like respect, adoration is something you cannot call out for and expect legitimate response. If you say "Hey guys, woe is me!" - then clearly, you are asking for them to pat you on the back and say, "There, there". Then, in the same breath, you bemoan pity, and the cycle continues.

    Your only option to halting the process is to assume you have far more worth than you give yourself credit for, and act accordingly. Were you not the man who was happy to be dating a young lady and then decided it maybe wasn't worth it because YOU weren't worth it, if I recall? Do I sense a pattern here?

    You're going to have to accept more worth on your part. And I for one will not pat your back, because the cycle will begin again. "There, there Riku. You ARE awesome." (Ugh, Totomimo is giving me pity-pats. Ugh) - and so on. I am merely giving you the information to turn it around.
 
 
 
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