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    • #171
    #171

    If i were to get a tattoo it would say 'good is better than perfect'. I even set off trying to set the most perfect recovery. A plan. But any plan is too strict and just now take things day by day rather than constantly thinking "i can't do this because if i did this every day for the rest of my life x will happen". I haven't counted up my daily calories for weeks and its wonderful (a bit scary but). I still have a frame but its more like smaller meal, medium meal, main meal and two snacks.

    Sorry for the bad writing - on my phone. X
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    Okay, people!! Time for a perspective post!

    I am not BMI 20. That is NINE STONES! I am a Nine Stone Man. Capital....Letters.

    I am both flabby and flawed. And do you know what? Girls are noticing me. The grip of anorexia is slipping. It is becoming more and more easy to do random, undocumented things.

    Am I embarassed that I am no longer "ill"? No. Not at all. Before I'd be sitting there desperate to prove how ill I was. "I'm not even BMI 17!" - yeah, like that means anything. It means I can't bear children, or exert myself in any physical way due to exhaustion. That's hot, right? When I think I'm so flawed that I must force myself to seek out any kind of love via extreme lifestyle choices, and no for me, as a spirit.

    People in the street don't look at me. I'm normal. Why? WHY?! I want you to stare at me and exalt me. I'm me, doesn't that mean anything?! No, it doesn't. I'm normal. I'm not totally emaciated and close to death, so nobody gives me that level of attention any longer.

    And I freaking love it.

    I've always said it. When an ED-sufferer is on the "cusp of recovery", they're in the worst position. They'll sit and ride the "hopeless recoverer" role to death. When you recover beyond the realms of "juuuuuust unhealthy ENOUGH", you start to understand you are CLINGING to that hope of being able to use it again. I am talking to both Riku AND MelissaJayne in this context. The longer you cling to the "just about" and "marginal" - the longer you totally cling to the thought of recovery being just another excuse in the life you hope to lead.

    Please, keep trying. My life is so, so much happier now I'm plumper. I have no qualms about it. And trust me, I've been skinny to the point of death - this - BMI 20 - is the happiest I've ever been. Listen to me peeps. xxxx
    • #81
    #81

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    One think I WILL tell you not to do... is lie. It's SO easy to give in and lie about your food diary. It helps nobody. Doesn't help you OR the people that want to aid you in your recovery..
    Just as I thought and I'm glad I stuck with it as it's helped me identify what triggers my binge.

    Not felt the urge to binge in a week (not much to boast about really) but quite proud of myself and taking each week as they come..
    • #191
    #191

    My girlfriend has had an ED since she was around 12. Around a decade later she's been recovering for the past 2 years. She's made a lot of progress.

    She's had the symptoms of bulimia and anorexia. Binging and purging etc.

    She's very competitive, and felt recently like she had failed because she wasn't as slim as another girl (though they are similar and there's not a lot in it).

    This lead her to 2 hours of self loathing when she was drunk. Hitting her legs, saying she was fat etc.

    She has a therapist who she hasn't seen for a few months (they both felt like regular visits didn't need to remain) who I hope she'll see this coming week.

    She says she feels hungry all the time. She can't eat more than 1500kcals a day because then she puts weight on (which is the result of extreme dieting in the past).
    If I tell her what she looks like she dismisses what I say and says she looks fat.

    But I don't know how I can support her. I give her space. I don't keep an eye on what she eats. What else can I do?
    • #192
    #192

    This probably sounds bad, im not sure.... but I don't understand how people can say they are 'recovered'.
    The mentality of the person stays the same even if their outlook on themselves changes meaning that things can easily trigger them back into remission.

    I suffered from ED's since about the age of 6, i don't know what caused it but thats not the point.
    recovered would mean that a person is 'normal'

    But what are we classing as normal?
    Everyone has insecurities about themselves
    Many people calorie restrict
    Many people look in the mirror and think they need to lose weight for example when they are fine the way they are
    so is this normal?

    many 'normal' people obsess over food and weight
    but isn't this unhealthy?
    how can anyone ever say they are 'recovered' if thoughts about food, body image, exercise, weight etc are circulating their mind??

    This post probably doesn't even make any sense but i guess its just a way of me ventilating
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    Toto I see your point yet again, but how can I come to terms with that idea of being flawed, both physically and emotionally?
    (Today I found out I am a bit poo at laser quest and pool, but alright at bowling )

    I don't look ill enough to get the attention nor do I want to. I wouldn't go to that extreme. I just feel mentally drained a lot, more than I used to, either that or I was more reclusive than I think before this started.

    My lady and I are still happy together thanks ^_^

    Incidentally you're a godly artist and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself :P
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Toto I see your point yet again, but how can I come to terms with that idea of being flawed, both physically and emotionally?
    (Today I found out I am a bit poo at laser quest and pool, but alright at bowling )

    I don't look ill enough to get the attention nor do I want to. I wouldn't go to that extreme. I just feel mentally drained a lot, more than I used to, either that or I was more reclusive than I think before this started.

    My lady and I are still happy together thanks ^_^

    Incidentally you're a godly artist and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself :P
    And once again you're reinforcing your own search for recognition. Most people simply do things and find enjoyment in them. Bowling, Laser Quest, Drawing, Running, whatever. Do you think that whoever is running down the street with earphones in is running past wee grannies sneering, thinking, "I'm faster than YOU, and YOU, and YOU...." - of course not.

    You don't need to be excellent at everything you do, nor do you need to excel in everything you are. Nobody is judging you... except you.

    Another point you made can be spread to a lot of other readers on here. "How can I possibly prove I'm ill enough if my exterior doesn't show that?" - that implies you WANT to show the people around you that you're ill. There are only a limited number of reasons why this would be the case. Most predominantly could be the search for attention (and I don't mean the "look at me!" attention, I mean doting-style attentiveness; being ill is a FORM of exception, after all. To be ill is to absolve yourself of social convention) When you see someone is ill, they become exempt from judgement. "Look at him, he's bald as a coot." "Actually, he's really ill." "Oh... I feel really bad for thinking that, now". As soon as someone is "ill", they can be anything else and still be pitied, loved, revered and treated specially.

    Mental illness is something that rarely shows evidence or symptoms physically when it's alone - it's the by-products of harm that show on the body (which is why you can be an overweight anorexic, for example).

    I still believe that your search to rid yourself of any flaws is just your continuing battle to seek out the attention you believe you deserve internally. But to denounce your flaws and rid yourself of them entirely is to denounce humanity entirely, because we are defined by our weaknesses, not our strengths.

    With strengths, we find comfort, but with weaknesses, we find challenge.
    • #103
    #103

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    One for the girls here (Sorry lads) - haven't had a period for about 3-4 years now, when they're on their way back in, is there any warning they'll be on their way to look out for? Discharge, anything like that? Also, when some of you were without periods - was it ever normal for you to get regular discharge sometimes?
    I'd also like to hear any advice on this too....
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    With regards to the information on periods, I'm afraid I can only really give you insight based on textual information, but the text indicates you won't experience a "healthy" period - ie, one of any significance - until you are weight-restored. This means your body is no longer on alert and feels it is ready for motherhood. When you restrict you rip your body back to pre-adolescence and the body becomes very child-like, and the process is very much like a second puberty as you heal yourself through the recovery period.

    It's normal to have "fake periods" though - ones that seem like only plasma, only basic serum is discharged. It's your body's way of saying "I have no REAL, FULL blood to give up, but I want you to know I'm still trying." It discharges either clear or milky-to-yellow fluid which is basically "half-blood"; a mixture of basic blood plasma and minerals , which is basically nutrient-devoid, but does so in a way that keeps the body ticking over... basically it's like a factory that's still running but not producing anything of use.

    So if you continue to have "fake periods", it's your body's way of saying it needs to heal properly, as you're not weight-restored at all.
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    So, I won't bother with the anon stuff anymore, I think I last posted here a year ago or so. Anyway, recovering bulimic here. I'm really doing well I think, well, yesterday was another story.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    What I had yesterday doesn't qualify for a proper binge, but I did purge. Just to mention, I don't do this primarily for weight loss but to relieve stress and to take my mind off things, which obviously doesn't make it better but still. I AM trying to lose weight because I've gained quite a bit, but I'm doing it by eating healthily and doing a bit of yoga every day. It's hard though because my depression is eating away at me.
    Anyway, I was just extremely stressed and upset and it just happened... Today I went on the scales and they rewarded me by telling me I'd lost weight This is bull****, I know that in the long run all you do is gain weight, but the scales are destroying my healthy thinking... What to do?
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    So I'm going to spoiler this, it has a little to do with ed behaviour, but mostly because I feel like a **** person for thinking this way and don't want to bring others down.

    I also apologise for any dodgy spelling as I am on my phone.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    There's lots of things going on just now which has totally set me back again:

    1. I normally work 4-8 Monday to Friday and had asked to do either 12-8 Monday and Tuesday and 12-5 Wednesday (keeping 20 hours p/w) or 9-5 Monday to Friday. This would help with childcare and what I needed to pay for it. However, I've only been okayed to change to a 12-8 Monday to Friday - meaning extra nursery and childminding fees plus hardly seeing my son. This has completely stressed me out because I believed I had everything sorted until at least March (on the job front), but now I'm back to endless application forms and rejections - even simple jobs because I'm now 'over qualified' with my degree.

    2. The stress I'm under makes me more snappy at my son. He does know when he does something wrong/is winding me up, but I end up shouting and feel terrible. He's only three and I feel like such a bad mother for doing it. We have a great relationship and after about 5 minutes and a cuddle we are back to normal, but it ruins the rest of my day. I am terrified of him growing up to resent me.

    3. My boyfriend has asked me to move in with him come thr September weekend and I said yes. This has made me happy, we love each other and each have a good relationship with the other's child. Everything just seems normal and right. However, it is causing me so much stress already. I need to get a good nursery sorted for my son, one that fits with any hours of work; we need to sort child benefits and tax credits; I need to find a job near his before I move because I don't want to be a burden or unemployed; we need to sit and sort finances - who pays what and how much income/expenses there will be; I need to get stuff for the house for both of us; I need to start sorting what's coming and what's staying here; and lastly my son's father will probably kick up a fuss - he's basically non existent but will do it because he can and he's that type of person. PLUS I don't really know anyone near his house and I'm terrified of being lonely, especially when I hate social situations and I am terrible at making friends.

    4. My boyfriend has a daughter and her mother tragically died in a car accident, 6 years ago today. He was talking to me fine last night and then when I said I hoped he'd be okay today he just stopped. Today he hasn't spoken to me but been on Facebook and such. I know it will still be sore because he will always care for her as the mother of his child, and because his daughter will never see her mother. However, I am the only girlfriend he's actually spoken to about their relationship and from what I gather it wasn't a very good one and more a 'try and make it work for the kid' one in the end - they were separated at the time of the accident and had been for a few months. But the insecure, irrational part of my brain keeps whispering away, basically along the lines of "I'm not her, never will be/he wishes he was with her and not me/he doesn't love me etc etc" just all this nonsense that I know isn't true. I know that we have a great relationship and he's told me numerous times it's the best he's had. I feel like an absolutely **** person for thinking this way, even when I don't mean/want too.

    All of this has sent me into a restricting/binge and purge cycle - just as I was beginning to try and eat enough to begin exercising and doing it properly again.

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    Jeez sorry that was so long.
    • #180
    #180

    (Original post by whitepearlbaby)
    So, I won't bother with the anon stuff anymore, I think I last posted here a year ago or so. Anyway, recovering bulimic here. I'm really doing well I think, well, yesterday was another story.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    What I had yesterday doesn't qualify for a proper binge, but I did purge. Just to mention, I don't do this primarily for weight loss but to relieve stress and to take my mind off things, which obviously doesn't make it better but still. I AM trying to lose weight because I've gained quite a bit, but I'm doing it by eating healthily and doing a bit of yoga every day. It's hard though because my depression is eating away at me.
    Anyway, I was just extremely stressed and upset and it just happened... Today I went on the scales and they rewarded me by telling me I'd lost weight This is bull****, I know that in the long run all you do is gain weight, but the scales are destroying my healthy thinking... What to do?
    :hugs: Well done on your progress, remember that one day does not constitute a full relapse; any weight you lost today would be water loss due to purging. Have you considered chucking the scales? Most "normal" people rarely weigh themselves! You could always go to your GP to get weighed, but having scales at home often leads to obsessive behaviour, and is usually counter-productive
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :hugs: Well done on your progress, remember that one day does not constitute a full relapse; any weight you lost today would be water loss due to purging. Have you considered chucking the scales? Most "normal" people rarely weigh themselves! You could always go to your GP to get weighed, but having scales at home often leads to obsessive behaviour, and is usually counter-productive
    Thank you I know it's bad, they're not even my own scales. I won't even have any at uni! It's just, I thought I would monitor my progress better with them... But it has gotten worse, the habit of just quickly checking my weight.
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    Been off this for a while trying to get better which I thought I had but a recent holiday made me realize how much weight I've lost again (half a stone in 2 months) and how difficult it is for me to spend a week with friends in an environment surrounded by food and drink. It really upset me and depression has really set in bad this time and though I've been dead against medication after not getting on with Celexa and Prozac, I've been put on Sertraline/Zoloft.
    Just wondering whether this has helped anyone at all for all those who've taken anti-depressants during recovery? I know I can hit a healthy weight because I've done it; my problem is that as soon as depression comes back I turn to anorexia again.
    Really hope you're all doing well and that a few of you have made it much further into your recovery journeys whilst I've been off here!
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Been off this for a while trying to get better which I thought I had but a recent holiday made me realize how much weight I've lost again (half a stone in 2 months) and how difficult it is for me to spend a week with friends in an environment surrounded by food and drink. It really upset me and depression has really set in bad this time and though I've been dead against medication after not getting on with Celexa and Prozac, I've been put on Sertraline/Zoloft.
    Just wondering whether this has helped anyone at all for all those who've taken anti-depressants during recovery? I know I can hit a healthy weight because I've done it; my problem is that as soon as depression comes back I turn to anorexia again.
    Really hope you're all doing well and that a few of you have made it much further into your recovery journeys whilst I've been off here!
    I was put on antidepressants during recovery and they helped. I was never allowed off them and I'm still taking them now, 3 years on from recovery, partially because the docs were afraid of a relapse and because the depression caused the anorexia in the first place. Perhaps you should ask if you can stay on them after you've hit a healthy weight? x
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Been off this for a while trying to get better which I thought I had but a recent holiday made me realize how much weight I've lost again (half a stone in 2 months) and how difficult it is for me to spend a week with friends in an environment surrounded by food and drink. It really upset me and depression has really set in bad this time and though I've been dead against medication after not getting on with Celexa and Prozac, I've been put on Sertraline/Zoloft.
    Just wondering whether this has helped anyone at all for all those who've taken anti-depressants during recovery? I know I can hit a healthy weight because I've done it; my problem is that as soon as depression comes back I turn to anorexia again.
    Really hope you're all doing well and that a few of you have made it much further into your recovery journeys whilst I've been off here!
    -hugging- I've never been put on happy pills, but if it'll help you get better, then definitely do it.
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    Thanks guys, the side effects are awful right now; I'm so down and paranoid but I guess it'll be worth sticking it out x
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    Hey, just to say I am still alive my internet has been down for what feels like forever. I have to be honest, I don't know how i'm doing. I am trying not to count calories and it's doing my mind so much good. I used to just be counting constantly, not thinking about much else. However, because of the unknown I am just sticking to safe foods and specific foods are feeling worrying. My anxiety about my holiday and wearing a bikini is making me want to cry, as well as aeroplane food and everyone is going on about how much food there will be and how much weight they are going to gain. The drinks are also scaring me, as well as the pressure my family put on me.

    I am pretty sure I am eating less than will maintain my weight, but I don't want to add it up, and I have to say I don't mind

    I am just going to roll with what makes me feel ok and if i ever go underweight i'll give it a little boost with suppliments. I don't want to sit around feeling guilty about over or under eating so i'll just bob along and deal with it if needs be.
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    Just spent the afternoon having Indian Buffet and beers with dad. He told me it's great to have his son back.

    JUST before I was about to doubt myself and think, "I'm consuming a lot", he turns around and makes me realise this is what life is. Imagine if I spent every moment fretting and I died in my bed having spent my entire life wondering how many daily calories I had used up on my breakfast that day, instead of spending that whole day having a lovely time with the people I hold dear.
 
 
 
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