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    Please help, I don't know how to get out of this (TW: numbers mentioned)
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    So I've been suspended from treatment... I've got just under two weeks to put on 1.2kg, or it's complete discharge from ED services.
    But I just can't cope. I don't know what to do, how to increase, what to eat, how much to eat...

    The restricting got out of hand. My bmi's 13.6 and that terrifies me. Logically I know that my body can only take a certain amount.
    I can't sleep anymore. I can't focus. My mind is messed up, my thoughts are distorted. I'm tired. I feel crap. The weight loss isn't worth it; I thought it would make me feel better, happier...but it's just made me more miserable and guilty. I feel so bad for my family, they have to deal with watching this horrible monster take over me again.

    I know that the simple solution is to increase, to stop restricting. But I can't... I don't know how to. I'm stuck under the numbers, if I go over a certain number I flip out. A side of me says that compared to other people I'm barely restricting calories any way. I get that evil, singing voice in my head that says "Not yet. Just wait it out a bit. Don't increase, you'll pile it all on again. You're not going to lose any weight any way, your metabolism is screwed." The anorexia's trying to pull me back to my lowest weight.
    I'm supposed to be starting sixth form in September. How am I supposed to if I'm this weak?

    I don't know what to do anymore. Two weeks without being weighed, two weeks stuck under this calorie restriction, anxiety and guilt; two weeks and nothing is going to change. I just want it to stop... I want to get better, snap my fingers and be at a healthy weight, without the thoughts; but I'm stuck

    How do I get out of this?
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    Just replying to a few comments on here.

    I have been on numerous medications (I think I explained this last page or page before that, but I'll mention again) - Fluoxetene and Olanzapine being the most predominant.

    The former is a very gentle affecting medication. It just raises your "default feeling" a little bit (being an anti-depressive in category) whilst the Olanzapine really helped my manic, erratic worrying thoughts (being an antipsychotic). The two categories of medicines clearly help one type of ailment more than another so it's worth discussing both options with the doctor is you feel you're more manic than unhappy.

    With regards to "healing completely" - no. I think that is a myth. I think nobody heals entirely, it is not a disease the body beats, but a state of mind that is now part of your psyche. It's your ability to stymie and suffocate those elements of your psychology that becomes stronger with time. This also means you will always have to be more alert than a "normie", because you have to know the signs and be able to stifle the problems before they truly harm you.

    I've heard people that recover within the year and say they've only had mild inklings towards calorie-counting, though they're still there. I know people that have been recovering for over eight years and have calorie-counted (though to a healthier number) every day of those eight years. There is no "perfectly recovered" individual, but your life is certainly better for you stomping on the anorexic or otherwise damaging ED behaviours as they arise. The quicker you learn to stomp them, the easier and more effectively you'll be able to do so in the future, so that your anxieties maybe last for hours, days now - but with practice your anorexic notions might only last a minute or so in the future.X
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    To the person asking about Fluoxetine- I was put on it for an eating disorder and depression, but have stopped taking it. It did work though.
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    It's weird when stimulus hits you, but when it does, you have to discuss it!

    I was playing a game, "Tales of Vesperia", on the Xbox 360. In the game, they are all very hungry. They have a discussion. " I heard Judith's tummy rumbling. It growled like a wolf!" "No it didn't, that's Celia's!"

    When the discussion dies down, the boys speak with the girls and they explain "A diet is kinda like a competition, to see who is going to give in first."

    I don't know why this really hit me hard, but I have some extremist pals who are incredibly competitive. They're the "be best anorexic " type of person. To have you stomach ACHE and yet still feel the need to "beat" someone else - it's something a lot of anorexics might feel.

    It's moronic and helps nobody, but I thought I'd mention that it happens.
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    Still feeling compulsively obliged to eat things I won't always want/stop myself doing things I want to do to please others
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    (Original post by iJess)
    I haven't been on this thread in a while. I had anorexia earlier this year and got sent away from CAMHS I had to recover on my own and it's been hard but I'm much healthier than I was. Is there anyone on this thread thats recovered? Didnt know where to post this really. Just wondering if my ED tendencies will be with me for the rest of my life. In the back of my mind I still calorie count but not to the point of restricting to 300 a day like I was. Since I've got better I only eat very very small meals like sometimes I can't even finish a childs sized meal so my new boyfriend has been having to get used to giving me very small portions. A doctor told me before my stomach had shrunk when I had an ultrasound so this will probably be down to that?

    I can't eat anything unhealthy or greasy or anything fattening but I do eat stuff like chocolate or popcorn when I watch films with my boyfriend. I was such a picky eater before and still am I cant stomach anything with a texture I dont like like pasta or mince etc. I still weigh myself daily. During my anorexia I lived with my nana and she was told to take scales off me but I weigh myself at my boyfriends everyday and I'm kind of gutted I'm up to 10 stone so I excercise loads now. Even though I've slowly got better are these things ever going to go away or are they stuck with me for life? I still don't ever feel hungry and could go a day and not eat but I've mostly snapped out of that by forcing myself to eat. I hope this post isn't triggering to anybody, sorry
    <3 Hi iJess. Welldone on getting better, lovely. I was sent away from CAMHS early too, it is difficult. You will be ok.
    As for recovery, it depends, person to person. I was very much like you during the time I recovered (I relapsed, but this doesn't happen for a lot of people). And I know people who have been the same, had the same habits etc., but who have recovered completely. My sister (twin, who also had anorexia) got completely better after a while, although for some time she stuck with similar habits- but she now eats whatever she likes adn has said to me that she doesn't worry at all.
    I hope you're doing ok. Please feel free to message you whenever you like. x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It's weird when stimulus hits you, but when it does, you have to discuss it!

    I was playing a game, "Tales of Vesperia", on the Xbox 360. In the game, they are all very hungry. They have a discussion. " I heard Judith's tummy rumbling. It growled like a wolf!" "No it didn't, that's Celia's!"

    When the discussion dies down, the boys speak with the girls and they explain "A diet is kinda like a competition, to see who is going to give in first."

    I don't know why this really hit me hard, but I have some extremist pals who are incredibly competitive. They're the "be best anorexic " type of person. To have you stomach ACHE and yet still feel the need to "beat" someone else - it's something a lot of anorexics might feel.

    It's moronic and helps nobody, but I thought I'd mention that it happens.
    As sick as it sounds, I felt like this to some extent.
    I guess most do, if they look at extremely skinny people (even skinnier than themselves) and aspire to be like that- well, that's competitive to some degree, isn't it?
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    I don't feel I can help myself anymore. It's been 8 years of this mentality and I feel like it's going to break me...it's having an awful effect on my diabetes but the eating disorders service in Swansea is appalling and I'm just not considered "ill" enough despite being underweight and having diabetes. Basically unless you are near-dead, they don't care.
    Is it possible to recover completely alone? I keep trying-- and failing-- and I'm getting to the point where I think that unless I make myself ill enough to go inpatient, they will never help me. It's sad that it's the only way to get help around here, and not something I want to do, but eventually it's going to lead to it because it's so hard trying to do this alone over and over and over.
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    Thankyou for clearing up some real misconceptions about eating disorders. They are not about vanity and wanting to look like a certain celebrity...

    I have Polycystic ovary syndrome and type 2 diabetes despite being underweight most of my life. I find it really hard sometimes and will starve myself for days to get my blood sugar down- high blood sugar makes me feel nauseous, tired and gives me a headache, so to avoid that feeling I have redeveloped my fear of food after working so hard to get to a normal weight! Even exercising can make my blood sugar go up and because I am insulin resistant, I produce a large amount of insulin which promotes fat storage, and the fear of looking like the typical type 2 or PCOS sufferer (who often used to be slim before they got ill) governs my life daily.

    I'll eat nothing, get my blood sugar into normal range then eat something then I'm back into double figures, despite being very active (ballet, gymnastics, pole dancing, horseriding)
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I don't feel I can help myself anymore. It's been 8 years of this mentality and I feel like it's going to break me...it's having an awful effect on my diabetes but the eating disorders service in Swansea is appalling and I'm just not considered "ill" enough despite being underweight and having diabetes. Basically unless you are near-dead, they don't care.
    Is it possible to recover completely alone? I keep trying-- and failing-- and I'm getting to the point where I think that unless I make myself ill enough to go inpatient, they will never help me. It's sad that it's the only way to get help around here, and not something I want to do, but eventually it's going to lead to it because it's so hard trying to do this alone over and over and over.
    Omg I thought I was the only one... It is so difficult to manage what an when and how to eat dealing with an eating disorder AND diabetes. For an overweight person eating less is beneficial but what can you do if you are skinny and diabetic? It just fans the flames of a fear of food.

    Also so many type 1 diabetics stop taking their insulin to lose weight which is dangerous..

    People with eating disorders are more likely to develop metabolic disorders and should be screened and supported for diabetes and diabetics should be asked if they have a history of eating disorders as it could effect their treatment
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    (Original post by Little Wolf Taima)
    Omg I thought I was the only one... It is so difficult to manage what an when and how to eat dealing with an eating disorder AND diabetes. For an overweight person eating less is beneficial but what can you do if you are skinny and diabetic? It just fans the flames of a fear of food.

    Also so many type 1 diabetics stop taking their insulin to lose weight which is dangerous..

    People with eating disorders are more likely to develop metabolic disorders and should be screened and supported for diabetes and diabetics should be asked if they have a history of eating disorders as it could effect their treatment
    I agree with you, insulin restriction is incredibly dangerous and I think more medical staff need to look out for the warning signs as I know far, far too many fellow Type 1 diabetics who have done this. Medical staff often assume that poor control of blood sugars is simply "laziness" or "teenage rebellion" when actually the truth is an awful lot of patients are suffering in the grip of a terrible eating disorder. Not eating regular carbs affects blood glucose control adversely and even though my team are now aware of my anorexia, I am too often told to "read up on carbohydrates" and "just eat more bread".
    I KNOW all about carb-counting, the problem is not that I can't work out the science behind it, it's that this stupid illness is ruining everything! Glad I'm not the only one!
    If ever you want to PM me feel free; always helps to share experiences with someone who's going through the same.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Still feeling compulsively obliged to eat things I won't always want/stop myself doing things I want to do to please others
    Feeling exactly the same today
    Just feeling crap about it all


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    (Original post by Little Wolf Taima)
    Thankyou for clearing up some real misconceptions about eating disorders. They are not about vanity and wanting to look like a certain celebrity...

    I have Polycystic ovary syndrome and type 2 diabetes despite being underweight most of my life. I find it really hard sometimes and will starve myself for days to get my blood sugar down- high blood sugar makes me feel nauseous, tired and gives me a headache, so to avoid that feeling I have redeveloped my fear of food after working so hard to get to a normal weight! Even exercising can make my blood sugar go up and because I am insulin resistant, I produce a large amount of insulin which promotes fat storage, and the fear of looking like the typical type 2 or PCOS sufferer (who often used to be slim before they got ill) governs my life daily.

    I'll eat nothing, get my blood sugar into normal range then eat something then I'm back into double figures, despite being very active (ballet, gymnastics, pole dancing, horseriding)

    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I agree with you, insulin restriction is incredibly dangerous and I think more medical staff need to look out for the warning signs as I know far, far too many fellow Type 1 diabetics who have done this. Medical staff often assume that poor control of blood sugars is simply "laziness" or "teenage rebellion" when actually the truth is an awful lot of patients are suffering in the grip of a terrible eating disorder. Not eating regular carbs affects blood glucose control adversely and even though my team are now aware of my anorexia, I am too often told to "read up on carbohydrates" and "just eat more bread".
    I KNOW all about carb-counting, the problem is not that I can't work out the science behind it, it's that this stupid illness is ruining everything! Glad I'm not the only one!
    If ever you want to PM me feel free; always helps to share experiences with someone who's going through the same.
    I don't mean to be patronising to either of you because I guess you know this but maybe, if you can somehow get past the anxiety brought about by food due to the ED-side of things, the diabetes problem re: eating will be a little easier? Blood sugars tend to spike when you're in panic mode after all
    But I'm not a doctor and maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic again who thinks if you believe dreams can happen they'll come true...
    X
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    When I decided to let myself go (I was away with my boyfriend and he's a foodie) and 50g of prawn crackers spiked me to 19.4mmol and I felt like crap for 12 hours.



    But you are right, anxiety does make the body produce cortisol and raise blood sugars. Fasting readings are lower when I am relaxed but aint nothing I can do about post meal. Dr doesn't want to prescribe medication either because they are still perplexed as to how my BG could be so erratic at the weight I am.

    I'm beginning to think I am slow onset type 1 or MODY. If its the former, my pancreas could just decided to pack up one day and thats anxiety inducing alone @[email protected]

    Still don't know whether or not to eat something today. I've run out of test strips and I feel fat....
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    (Original post by 60chops)
    <3 Hi iJess. Welldone on getting better, lovely. I was sent away from CAMHS early too, it is difficult. You will be ok.
    As for recovery, it depends, person to person. I was very much like you during the time I recovered (I relapsed, but this doesn't happen for a lot of people). And I know people who have been the same, had the same habits etc., but who have recovered completely. My sister (twin, who also had anorexia) got completely better after a while, although for some time she stuck with similar habits- but she now eats whatever she likes adn has said to me that she doesn't worry at all.
    I hope you're doing ok. Please feel free to message you whenever you like. x
    Thank you so much that's so reassuring I sound a bit like your sister I just eat what I feel like, but slowly I'm learning to love some foods again, it's not easy and I still feel like it's a bit of a journey
    • #59
    #59

    (Original post by Riku)
    I don't mean to be patronising to either of you because I guess you know this but maybe, if you can somehow get past the anxiety brought about by food due to the ED-side of things, the diabetes problem re: eating will be a little easier? Blood sugars tend to spike when you're in panic mode after all
    But I'm not a doctor and maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic again who thinks if you believe dreams can happen they'll come true...
    X
    That's the problem; it's trying to get past the ED anxiety that is the hardest!
    It does make things scary but also shows how strong a grip an eating disorder can have ad how there's no common sense in it at all. I do feel pretty stupid when I try and tell my nurses x
    • #103
    #103

    I hope I don't just sound silly, but I hope it sounds familiar to some of you as I'm in need of some advice I suppose.

    This weekend there is a HUGE family meal for my Grans 80th. I haven't had a restaurant starter, meal and pudding for a very long time, Must be over 2 years now. Fear, I guess. Fear of food, fear of weight, working out how many calories each meal may have I'm digging myself further and further in to the ground. Im unsure of what to do.

    For the past 2 1/2 years Ive been struggling with depression, been on 6 different antidepressants and 3 dosages of each and it seems to have brought on anorexic tendencies and I am just… petrefied! nothing seems to be working.. therapy, medication, so many waiting lists and I'm really loosing it.

    What I'm really asking is how to overcome or just relieve some of the fear and panic of this meal?

    I should mention that I haven't seen family since last year (they live round birmingham and we live in the north west). I haven't socialised with friends since the start of all of this. Gp's are encouraging to get me to see them but I'm just far far too anxious. i know nothing drastic will happen, but I'm unable to make the 'plunge'.
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    Hey guys, just wanted to ask, does it ever get better? I've had an ED for 4 years now and there have been no positives that have come out of it, yet I can't stop and I am at a point where I'm angry at everyone, mainly myself. I've only ever told one person who feels uncomfortable talking about it, which has only made me feel worse.

    I stopped for 6 months but the urge to purge only got worse over that time and I finally gave in. That was the longest time I've stopped and was one of the hardest periods of my life. Will these urges always be there? Just because I started this mean I can never go back? I don't want it to be sugar coated, but does anyone who's had an ED ever get to a place where they don't worry about food/how they look/weight/what ever reason they started for? I feel like purging is my go-to every time I get stressed, and stress is unavoidable.
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    I read this and although the title may be a bit of a double-edged sword thought it's inspirational. I'm clearly having a battle about whether I'm allowed to exercise anymore like I used to and reading up on these things

    I strongly believe that I can live a life not controlled by food and exercise but still healthy and active. I can't see why I should not make myself do anything that I strongly want to do (exercise freely, not every day but at my own will, without shame and regret-and for that matter exercise my own decisions and willpower). My thought pattern at the moment is more like don't exercise->obsess about not being able to do it it-> not do it anyway and just worry. Maybe if I just let myself do it when I wanted to, and got it over and done with, I could carry on my day as normal

    (would only recommend for those in active recovery though!)

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/discuss/1586/
    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weight...ders-question/


    Idk. I feel some people here would be against my mentality, but maybe that's a risk I'll have to take
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    (Original post by Riku)


    I read this and although the title may be a bit of a double-edged sword thought it's inspirational. I'm clearly having a battle about whether I'm allowed to exercise anymore like I used to and reading up on these things

    I strongly believe that I can live a life not controlled by food and exercise but still healthy and active. I can't see why I should not make myself do anything that I strongly want to do (exercise freely, not every day but at my own will, without shame and regret-and for that matter exercise my own decisions and willpower). My thought pattern at the moment is more like don't exercise->obsess about not being able to do it it-> not do it anyway and just worry. Maybe if I just let myself do it when I wanted to, and got it over and done with, I could carry on my day as normal

    (would only recommend for those in active recovery though!)

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/discuss/1586/
    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weight...ders-question/


    Idk. I feel some people here would be against my mentality, but maybe that's a risk I'll have to take
    I found that blog post inspirational too; thank you for sharing that and I understand your feelings about exercise; running is not just a weight loss tool for me, cross country is a huge passion and I don't feel I should have to deny myself something that makes my day better and my head clearer. I guess it's the eating part and the compulsions to burn calories that are the problem, not a love of a sport itself.
 
 
 
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