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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    • #173
    #173

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    Save me
    Even as you break me
    Every time you rape me
    Leave me coming all undone
    Praise me
    Turn your back and hate me
    Every time you waste me
    Keep me underneath your thumb

    [...]

    Then plead on your knees
    Pledge your promises to do no harm
    But please, just let me be
    I still find it hard to breathe

    [...]

    Save me
    Don't turn your back and break me
    Every time you rape me
    Leave me coming all undone...

    Seether - Roses


    If any song lyrics could describe my relationship with my ED today it's this.
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    Argh anon feature I hate you!
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    Right so hoping my occupational health form, which I was mostly honest on doesn't get me kicked of the course, does anyone have any tips to cope with uni ED wise? Because I really do think I'm going to struggle with it at uni!
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Right so hoping my occupational health form, which I was mostly honest on doesn't get me kicked of the course, does anyone have any tips to cope with uni ED wise? Because I really do think I'm going to struggle with it at uni!
    I have only had one year of uni life,I stumbled a bit, but a few things worked

    1.Decide if you need suport, if you do find it, do not try to do it on your own

    2.Try not to skip meals,create a flexible routine you can stick to
    I personally...
    had breakfast by 7am
    Aimed to eat lunch ,or a cereal bar by 2pm
    Dinner at 5

    3.Eating is a social activity, try not to let your eating disorder stop you from making friends or going out with friends.
    I felt really left out during fresher week because so many people where having pizza parties etc.

    4.Register with a G.P. Love them or hate them they are the gate way to other NHS services you might need

    5.Be acountable to some one. Ensure before you go there is some one who will set you straight if you slip into ED habbits.
    • #75
    #75

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Right so hoping my occupational health form, which I was mostly honest on doesn't get me kicked of the course, does anyone have any tips to cope with uni ED wise? Because I really do think I'm going to struggle with it at uni!
    Personally, Uni really helped me. I thought it would be the opposite as I though I'd just be so busy with everything that I'd 'forget' to eat or just pretend I wasn't hungry. This was quite the opposite, having a large network of friends is a really good idea as everyone plans their life around meal times so people know if you're skipping them and I didn't want people to know about my past! Also, if you're a drinker, a good meal before a night out is essential else you just get really drunk and look rather silly which is just embarrassing.

    Don't go with the attitude that you're going to struggle, else you're just setting yourself up to fail. It's time to properly start looking after yourself and you will be fine! Accept that the first few weeks will be a struggle but get into a routine and try to learn to eat with flatmates and it will force you to eat proper and healthy meals. Good Luck
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    (Original post by Stormclouds)
    I have only had one year of uni life,I stumbled a bit, but a few things worked

    1.Decide if you need suport, if you do find it, do not try to do it on your own

    2.Try not to skip meals,create a flexible routine you can stick to
    I personally...
    had breakfast by 7am
    Aimed to eat lunch ,or a cereal bar by 2pm
    Dinner at 5

    3.Eating is a social activity, try not to let your eating disorder stop you from making friends or going out with friends.
    I felt really left out during fresher week because so many people where having pizza parties etc.

    4.Register with a G.P. Love them or hate them they are the gate way to other NHS services you might need

    5.Be acountable to some one. Ensure before you go there is some one who will set you straight if you slip into ED habbits.
    Thank you so much! I think a set routine will definitely help me..
    And yeah I am very worried about the social side because of my ED I really don't want it to ruin my time at uni. I think both my doctor, therapist and a few of my friends don't really think I'm well enough to go yet but I really need this. It's all thats keeping me going at all!
    And aha I need to force myself to register with a GP when I get to uni, because I have a feeling I will continuously put it off and I cant really do that :/ There was a friend I trusted enough to set me straight if I get worse, but recently I think she's had enough of me.. she is harsh and personal all the time, which really upsets me, and she has gone from being so supportive forcing me to a doctors appointment, to pretty much making it clear she wants nothing to do with me!
    Again thanks for replying, its reassuring to know that people do manage to cope at uni
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Right so hoping my occupational health form, which I was mostly honest on doesn't get me kicked of the course, does anyone have any tips to cope with uni ED wise? Because I really do think I'm going to struggle with it at uni!
    make sure you've got some cereal bars/ something portable for breakfast, for the days you're running late, then just chuck one in your bag. So when you get some quiet time, you can have it then, rather than skipping breakfast completely. A flask is handy because you can take hot water for tea, put soup in it etc.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    make sure you've got some cereal bars/ something portable for breakfast, for the days you're running late, then just chuck one in your bag. So when you get some quiet time, you can have it then, rather than skipping breakfast completely. A flask is handy because you can take hot water for tea, put soup in it etc.
    Thank you. I really want to do well in my degree so I guess I should use that as motivation to make myself eat at uni! I won't be able to concentrate if I don't eat!


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    Today was not great

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    I just want to go back to being E.D and underweight.
    When I was at my lowest weight I had no feelings at all,and I just want to return to a feeling-less state

    My grand mother told my cousins not to talk to me because I pursue education instead of marriage.Being anorexic means I lost touch with many of my school friends.

    I have friends from my old uni, but back home in London ,the only people I could talk to are my family.Without them I felt isolated.

    I just had a huge argument with my rabbi, the last person in London I could talk to...

    This caused a panic attack, I calmed down . But now i just want my nice safe E.D bubble back.

    I am starting a new course in September,and I am dreading dealing with new people,more arguments and all the emotional soup,that life comes with.

    Why can't i be weight restored but emotionless


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    (Original post by Stormclouds)
    Today was not great

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    I just want to go back to being E.D and underweight.
    When I was at my lowest weight I had no feelings at all,and I just want to return to a feeling-less state

    My grand mother told my cousins not to talk to me because I pursue education instead of marriage.Being anorexic means I lost touch with many of my school friends.

    I have friends from my old uni, but back home in London ,the only people I could talk to are my family.Without them I felt isolated.

    I just had a huge argument with my rabbi, the last person in London I could talk to...

    This caused a panic attack, I calmed down . But now i just want my nice safe E.D bubble back.

    I am starting a new course in September,and I am dreading dealing with new people,more arguments and all the emotional soup,that life comes with.

    Why can't i be weight restored but emotionless


    Oh hun just remember the ED doesn't solve your problems.. In the long run its only ever going to make everything worse. It may seem to help in the short term but thats all lies.. It's only gonna screw you over in the long run! Yeah it dulls your emotions but then you can't deal with them and they build up and then when you are forced to deal with them it will be worse!

    I understand this is ironic coming from me who is so controlled by my ED.. But I want to help.. And it's easier to help someone else than yourself. Which is probably why therapists ask what would you say to your friend in the same situation.
    Yeah I don't know If that lot made any sense.. Probably didn't help at all! But I hope it did! I tried!
    Big hugs!!


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    OCD, anxiety and body issues do all seem to be linked on some way. I feel for you as I struggle with these problems myself. Some days I feel good about myself and sometimes it just feels like 'why me?' and I feel almost cursed. I hope that all this feedback from other people makes you feel stronger and even more positive. Good luck with your recovery. You've come so far and you will go further.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    What an incredibly relevant post right here.

    It is ENTIRELY possible to psychologically "trick" your body into "hating" something.


    Having been in recovery for a long time (over two years), I have personally found that in order to beat my bugbears, I would need to completely contest everything I "hated".

    When I was a boy, I absolutely loved bananas and custard. Though for some reason, I'd conditioned myself to "hate" custard. I started to contest why I hated the "custard" and not the "bananas". The reason? The bananas were "clean". The custard? Not so much. As time passed I started just having tickboxes. "This cool? No? Okay." I'd cut things. No bread. I'm intolerant to that. No spaghetti. I don't like how spaghetti feels, really. Toast? Ach, toast just scrapes your throat as it's swallowed....

    None of it's true. It's entirely a fabrication of your disorder. I was born with an innate love of tasty food. I used to love bananas in custard, so why hate it now? The reason? Mental conditioning. The more I eat it in current times, the more I start to think... I don't hate this at all. I've NOT grown intolerant to custard. Why would a person who loves custard suddenly hate custard?!

    It's part of the disorder to suddenly be "intolerant" to something. You trick your own mind into believing you're somehow totally adverse to it. Make excuses. "Oh, god, GLUTEN, that's the enemy!!" - you scream it with all your lung capacity but in all fairness, you have no medical ailment. It's mental.
    Definitely felt this. Had time to think today.

    Spoilering because I talk too much sometimes

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    I had it the other day when I suddenly turned down a croissant because 'I'm not fussed on them'. Then Mum pipes up that a few years ago I adored them with chocolate spread and as a lad, with lemon curd.
    The reality that day was I was dreading having to go into work because I felt like I was getting bullied again/feeling a bit depressed and overwhelmed by the current changes in work climate (peak sale season and a whole new team)
    It's completely possible.
    Having said that there are still some things which are personal preference and I don't think ED-related: I'm a sucker for bannoffee split, rum and raisin, any crumble especially with custard, and cheese. On the other hand I've never been fussed on salami, tomato juice makes me feel iffy, and limes make me positively retch (despite adoring lemonade and most other fruits/fruit-related things )!

    I don't see the harm in individuality, in fact I'd say that's something the disorder tried to rob me of. Which is why it's great that I have friends who aren't afraid to be expressive or quirky, even if it's not cool. I mean who cares if it doesn't look cool? What are we, 12?

    I seem to have found some happy balance in what I do. When I'm alone or at home I'll be mostly restrictive, in the sense 'eat what I need plus maybe a little treat if I want' rather than actually restrictive, what I need is mostly what I want anyway with intuitive eating! On the other hand I'll indulge when out with friends or family (though I doubt in the way I used to when I was younger. Eating until I felt sick sometimes, I feel it was a way to fill the social anxiety hole)

    I think that's fair enough because in the real world you can't expect three-course Michelin-starred dining every day and people rarely have the time/money to eat that much. I'm not greedy for having treats, I'm just indulging and aware of it, and being grateful.

    I'm going to really have to try and break this OCD habit of worrying what mum thinks of what I eat/how much I exercise/what I weigh/what I look like. I am fairly sure she , and I can't see any benefit to making myself feel guilty of my past (and OK, sometimes present) ED habits. It basically doesn't exist when I'm out somewhere else. In fact I instinctively go for the most delicious things going on the menu! For example, I almost feel strange for not buying some snacks in the cinema now.
    I personally believe that the mix of depression, anxiety and social anxiety is the main thing to work on.

    I love my mum with all my heart but I had a very much mother-son relationship with her (or even adult-child), whereas with my dad there's always been that element of being best buds and that's become even more true in the last few years since the divorce. I feel a lot closer to Dad in a way, like I can talk to him as an equal but sense Mum always wants to remain the empowered maternal figure.
    Wouldn't be surprised if I feel so short on topics to talk about with her that I've resorted to mental illness as a conversation starter. Wow...

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    (Original post by GeekChicc)
    OCD, anxiety and body issues do all seem to be linked on some way. I feel for you as I struggle with these problems myself. Some days I feel good about myself and sometimes it just feels like 'why me?' and I feel almost cursed. I hope that all this feedback from other people makes you feel stronger and even more positive. Good luck with your recovery. You've come so far and you will go further.
    I think they're all linked as well - I have OCD and anxiety and I go through phases of starvation/anorexia. I think they all probably arise from the same thought processes of someone with low self-esteem.
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    (Original post by BingTaoBing)
    I think they're all linked as well - I have OCD and anxiety and I go through phases of starvation/anorexia. I think they all probably arise from the same thought processes of someone with low self-esteem.
    I found for me OCD, anorexia and general anxiety sort of all filled the same role. If I ate better, either my general anxiety or my OCD would flair up. If I started restricting, my general anxiety would reduce (however thinking about it my OCD didn't tend to reduce the more I restricted). For me I think it was all sort of mushed up into one disordered way of thinking & behaving. It wasn't until I tackled the anxiety head on that I could reduce it, as all I was doing before was replacing one way of dealing with it with something else.
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    I always make the joke that "if I'm not worrying about something, I start to uncontrollably worry about why I am not worrying about something".

    This is simultaneously humorous, illogical, and 100% true as a statement though. Those of us bound to neurotic behaviour find that we fear uncomfortable situations, but ironically we reside in some of the most discomforting mindsets on purpose. We mentally position ourselves into a quandary, because peace of mind is constantly coveted by us, but when we finally get it, we find ourselves craving chaos of mind once more.
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    Well after having one of my last CAMHS appointments before I move up to Uni I was told that I am certainly in the last stages of recovery, according to the physical parameters anyway. And at this point I have noticed some other positive physical changes; my libido has increased dramatically and I have started dreaming again, after not dreaming for over a year.

    But what is worrying me is that although most of my anxiety’s and fears about food have reduced, on occasion that small ED might creep in and say something like ‘you should feel regret about eating that’ or ‘you’ve put quite a lot of weight on again’. It really makes me wonder whether it will ever truly go away?
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    So I have a dilemma. I'm dating a guy that is a part-time personal trainer. He's in great shape.

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    We have already slept together and he says that I'm gorgeous, despite knowing what I look like naked. He really doesn't seem bothered by my body...yet I'm actually disturbed by my body. I guess I feel that because he's so fit, I have to get on the same level. Some days I really can't go to the gym because I feel too ill (I have low blood pressure and sugar despite having been recovered for 3 years -- it's not related to the ED). Sometimes I feel too demoralised and depressed.


    I know I'm being stupid about that because he's a lovely guy. I just needed to vent and let it out because I now know why I feel some invisible pressure to work out.

    In other news...
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    I feel fat all the time and I hate it. I would never relapse, it's just not worth it. I just don't know what to do with myself because I feel so fat and worthless. I don't know how to deal with it.
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    *hugs* jazz


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    I've realised I feel much worse when I'm on my own.. And basically ok when in company.


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    MasterDoig, not the answer you want to hear, but I've written about this before (in fact, just a page or two ago). Even those sufferers of eating disorders that have been "recovered" for ten or more years say they fight it off every day. Every recovered individual I've met echoes this notion.

    It's nothing more than a set of mental conditioning. You conditioned your mind to believe in a certain ethos/mindset, and now your only real option is to defy it entirely. Imagine telling a devout Christian that there's undeniable proof that his religion he'd practiced for every day of his life is wrong, that there was actually another deity standing right in front of him that created the universe, met him, and shook his hand. Even if he came to accept it, he would still have all those days lived in the Christian faith with the beliefs, notions and experiences he'd had in this mindset. Through a combination of conflicting ethics, nostalgia and defeatism, he might constantly question if perhaps his old ways were correct after all, even in the face of obvious proof.

    Eating disorders are a crutch as all mental disorders are; you become addicted to notions and behaviours as you would any substance, not through chemical messages, but through the power of suggestion. They say that a mental disorder is your "inner mother", rather scarily, because you replace your nurturing mother with a mental fabrication of a caregiver. As we grow up, most animals shed their guardian and start anew, but humans are more complicated, emotional creatures and we crave that level of intimacy. We create the inner mother to pat us on the back whenever we do something we deem is "right", and scold us when we do something "wrong". Only this voice is entirely our own lie, and we're laying out our own gridlines for what we believe are "rights" and "wrongs". You grow addicted to the inner mother's praise, and start to control situations to hear the praise more often. You start to change the criteria and the rules of the world to your own will, and suddenly there's a whole bunch of "rights" and "wrongs" that make absolutely no sense to the rest of the world.

    So long story short, we've created a new set of rules for ourselves that make little to no sense for our wellbeing, but grow addicted to obeying the rules to feel the worth of praise.


    Jazzy, as for your own dilemma, two things. Actually, THREE things; the first is - did you know that 60% of male personal trainers that premeditated this as their chosen career did so because they were unhappy with their bodies, personally? That's more than half of all personal trainers with some form of negative personal body stigma as their drive. There's a high chance he personally feels more conscious of himself than he lets on and that he empathises with your situation pretty damn well.

    Secondly, you noted two things and repeated those two things - you "feel fat, and worthless". Do you realise what you've just done? You've underpinned one of your most obvious clues to healing yourself, and that's the fact you've bunched these terms together almost exclusively. Somehow, you're making a particular link between the two as a cause and a result. Do you feel fat BECAUSE you feel worthless, or do you feel worthless BECAUSE you feel fat? It must be one of the two, otherwise you wouldn't have subconsciously typed it in such a manner.

    If it's the former, you feel fat because you feel worthless - you're signifying that you feel your body size, shape and form MUST be undesirable because your mental state is askew. It's a common sensation - when you're in a foul mood, for example, you automatically assume you must look worse. Even someone without a mental disorder will have angry or sad days where they'd rather people don't see them - not solely because of their emotion, but because they believe their sadness or anger might cause their form to change negatively. Now, we know this isn't true. Save for a few mascara tear-marks or frown-wrinkles, you look exactly the same. But a mentally-drained state can make you believe you look different.

    If it's the latter, you feel worthless because you feel fat - you're very simply putting "skinny on a pedestal", and determining worth by how slim you are. I wouldn't hesitate to suggest (but would never imply) that you perhaps found it endearing that your new man had this insatiable drive for fitness because it was a guilty notion of yours that you could excuse having ED-related thoughts again in order to attain a similar ideal. ED-sufferers, believe it or not, are very liable to find health nuts and drug addicts attractive for the same reasons. An obsessive or self-destructive mindset in a partner becomes a very desirable trait as it lends itself to be an excuse to allow you to indulge your own. But whether or not you have been exacerbated by the notion your partner is a fitness fanatic, if this instance best reflects your situation you're clearly still very much fixated on an "ideal form" for you, which is actually something that does not really exist. You are already the perfect version of you; the current version of you is the one with the most life experience, knowledge and the greatest amount to offer.
 
 
 
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