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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for your help , that sucks but it does seem like fair enough pushishment for what I have being doing to my body, it's amazing just how clever the actual body is itself, I hope this will give me the determination to gain and shut this dam ED up! i also have another question (sorry for being a question whore) but my last blood test results showed I had a low white blood count now the main symptom of this is frequent infections and illnesses but I haven't being ill since January and I also haven't felt this healthy in years although i know I'm not, so is my body just super strong even with low white blood cells or do I just not have anything wrong with my blood cells?
    This is common in people with EDs. The reason often is not that we're "invincible" or whatever, but because we are more isolated than the average person. Less contact with people = less chance of getting an infection. The fact that your white count low however, is a sign that your body is really struggling and definitely not strong. You might feel healthy now, but you'd be surprised how much healthier you'd feel if you were recovered, if that makes sense
    • #196
    #196

    I never thought about it like that! And now I feel silly, just shows how it warps are minds! I do have much less of a social life as my friends are massive food lovers (not that there's anything wrong with that) but their the type to moan about being fat while scoffing cake which makes me very scared and uncomfortable eating with them, oh yes I know my body itself isn't healthy as I'm always cold, thin hair, red cold feet, non existent period and pale skin but inside I feel great it's like my mind is trying desperately to hold onto the idea that this ED is my saviour when in reality it's the opposite, hating the feeling of being full and loving the feeling of being hungry really doesn't help with gaining and makes maintaining just bearable.
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    I had low wbc count too and hadn't had a cold in years.


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    Though with the low white blood cell count, I would urge you to think about it a bit more closely.

    That's like saying, "I left my door unlocked for a year, but nobody robbed me." It's the same type of scenario; though your "inner army" was heavily depleted, you were just lucky enough thus far that nobody attempted to invade!

    Think of how horribly outmatched you could be IF infected by a particularly nasty virus. At a point in recovery I snapped a wrist bone by simply sitting down (leaned on it and *CRACK!*). My already rock-bottom white blood cell count was then obviously forced to deal with that, and then I caught just a simple cold - a normal, common cold - I didn't shift it for nearly a month, and it felt like the flu. I'm not exaggerating. Shivers, headaches, horrible body fever, sickness at the worst point. Yet my doctor confirmed it wasn't flu.

    Basically low white blood cells means less little soldiers in your body. Doesn't matter how many or how little soldiers you have in there, if you're not being attacked, they lie dormant. Once you're attacked, THEN the repercussions really show...
    • #180
    #180

    Anyone have any experience with changing MH teams, particularly when moving to uni? I currently see a CPN from the CMHT and a psychologist from the severe ED service, but I'm moving to Edinburgh next weekend... And I'm a little worried because on the website it says they aim to provide an initial meeting with the CMHT within 18 weeks after the referral has been accepted The referral hasn't been sent yet because my CPN has been away since before results day so she didn't know where I would be going... She gets back on Thursday and should start the process then, but I'm just worried that I'm going to have no professional support until potentially January. Considering I've had weekly appointments for around 3 years, only stopped when I was IP, this worries me a lot, and I also know that I will struggle with the transition to uni anyway.
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    Hey all. Posted a couple of times before but nothing significant. Been reading through old posts (some stuff right from the beginning) and it's really helped to motivate me to start prising away the last grips of anorexia. You're all so strong, amazing people, and I hope that if you can do recovery TO THE END then so can I.

    I have been in recovery for almost 2 years, which began with emergency IP. Although I did make some progress and my weight became stable, and I told myself that I was fine, I've always kinda known that my weight is still significantly lower than it should be. I don't want to keep coasting along like this, because I'm not free. I'm still obsessive and strictly adhere to a restrictive diet that maintains this low weight. Basically, it's hit a point where I'm not necessarily getting worse, but I'm not getting better. And I don't think it would take much of an upheaval for things to spiral back down again, rapidly. In IP I basically ate until I could leave, then I had some positive changes and continued recovery for myself. Then it sort of stalled. I have made some great changes in the last few months in terms of my social anxiety & depression, however on the eating side of things there hasn't been a great deal of progress.

    So I'm trying to actively change things, but firstly trying to convince myself that things need changing. I ended up in A&E the other day because I had a nasty bug. It wasn't serious, it was just a virus, but I was kept in overnight because of my weight. I was lying there wondering what would have happened if I had had something serious. Would my body have been able to cope with an operation? What about a bad infection? I wasn't sure of the answer, and that scared me. Which is good, I guess. Since then I have been trying harder. I've been trying not to care, trying to be less rigid with my diet and more liberal with things like milk on cereal, butter & spreads, portion sizes.

    I'm going to University in a few weeks. I'm so excited to be moving on with my life, as IP, etc. delayed my education by 2 years. But I'm so scared. What if the change is too much and I slip back into the comforts of old habits? I kind of wanted to post on here to hear from other people going to Uni this year, wondering how they're feeling about it. I'm going self-catered too so I'm essentially totally responsible for my diet. I won't have my mum watching over me, I'll probably be pretty busy, with the "Oh I didn't have time" excuse just to hand. Does anyone have any good tips to help me stay on track? Sorry if this is a bit confused, I've tried to skim the surface of some of the stuff that's been happening without going into too much detail.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyone have any experience with changing MH teams, particularly when moving to uni? I currently see a CPN from the CMHT and a psychologist from the severe ED service, but I'm moving to Edinburgh next weekend... And I'm a little worried because on the website it says they aim to provide an initial meeting with the CMHT within 18 weeks after the referral has been accepted The referral hasn't been sent yet because my CPN has been away since before results day so she didn't know where I would be going... She gets back on Thursday and should start the process then, but I'm just worried that I'm going to have no professional support until potentially January. Considering I've had weekly appointments for around 3 years, only stopped when I was IP, this worries me a lot, and I also know that I will struggle with the transition to uni anyway.
    I am worried about this too.. My therapy was only just starting to make a difference and now I'm moving to a completely different team.. I don't even know how long its going to take.. and I have a feeling uni is only going to exacerbate the ED to be honest :/ but positive thinking .. maybe we will both get seen really quickly!
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    (Original post by AlesanaWill)
    Hey all. Posted a couple of times before but nothing significant. Been reading through old posts (some stuff right from the beginning) and it's really helped to motivate me to start prising away the last grips of anorexia. You're all so strong, amazing people, and I hope that if you can do recovery TO THE END then so can I.

    I have been in recovery for almost 2 years, which began with emergency IP. Although I did make some progress and my weight became stable, and I told myself that I was fine, I've always kinda known that my weight is still significantly lower than it should be. I don't want to keep coasting along like this, because I'm not free. I'm still obsessive and strictly adhere to a restrictive diet that maintains this low weight. Basically, it's hit a point where I'm not necessarily getting worse, but I'm not getting better. And I don't think it would take much of an upheaval for things to spiral back down again, rapidly. In IP I basically ate until I could leave, then I had some positive changes and continued recovery for myself. Then it sort of stalled. I have made some great changes in the last few months in terms of my social anxiety & depression, however on the eating side of things there hasn't been a great deal of progress.

    So I'm trying to actively change things, but firstly trying to convince myself that things need changing. I ended up in A&E the other day because I had a nasty bug. It wasn't serious, it was just a virus, but I was kept in overnight because of my weight. I was lying there wondering what would have happened if I had had something serious. Would my body have been able to cope with an operation? What about a bad infection? I wasn't sure of the answer, and that scared me. Which is good, I guess. Since then I have been trying harder. I've been trying not to care, trying to be less rigid with my diet and more liberal with things like milk on cereal, butter & spreads, portion sizes.

    I'm going to University in a few weeks. I'm so excited to be moving on with my life, as IP, etc. delayed my education by 2 years. But I'm so scared. What if the change is too much and I slip back into the comforts of old habits? I kind of wanted to post on here to hear from other people going to Uni this year, wondering how they're feeling about it. I'm going self-catered too so I'm essentially totally responsible for my diet. I won't have my mum watching over me, I'll probably be pretty busy, with the "Oh I didn't have time" excuse just to hand. Does anyone have any good tips to help me stay on track? Sorry if this is a bit confused, I've tried to skim the surface of some of the stuff that's been happening without going into too much detail.
    As you have probably seen from a few of my other posts, I am extremely worried about uni too, I have only really just started recovery a couple of months ago, and I really do not know if I am strong enough to ignore the ED at uni.. especially when I am entirely responsible for my own diet and live next door to a gym :/ but I am trying to stay positive about it, although many people have told me they don't think I should go to uni this year, I am determined to do it.. I'm hoping it will give me some real motivation to get better.
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    (Original post by AlesanaWill)
    Hey all. Posted a couple of times before but nothing significant. Been reading through old posts (some stuff right from the beginning) and it's really helped to motivate me to start prising away the last grips of anorexia. You're all so strong, amazing people, and I hope that if you can do recovery TO THE END then so can I.

    Doe anyone have any tips to help me stay on track? Sorry if this is a bit confused, I've tried to skim the surface of some of the stuff that's been happening without going into too much detail.
    Congratulations to you first-up. I won't sugar-coat it; you speak as though you're "in recovery", but later in your post you come to terms with the knowledge that you've not been recovering at all; it's been a long, drawn-out session of hard-fought kidding yourself up until now, and now you're underpinning that. I admire you for standing up and admitting as you have because, as we all know in this thread, actually owning up to your own failures is something a stubborn mindset isn't very good at.

    Secondly, have you read a lot of the last few pages? A lot of people have asked similar questions about going to university for the first time. Some people asked how you cope, others asked how to hide it, some people asked on how to beat it. My answer personally always begins in the same way.

    Think about why you want to go to university in the first place. Is it to secure your future in a career of academic importance? To have a great job, with great prospects, and enough financial support to bring up a family? Or is it merely the experience of being away from home, being in another environment, learning the process of growing up, a place between school and adulthood? Or... is it a chance to just indulge your most unhealthy of thoughts, a refuge to feed the unholy thoughts of a painful down-spiral into starvation and isolation?

    All of your peers who applied for university did so through blood, sweat, and tears. For every one person on your course, depending on your course and university itself, think about the every one to five people who DIDN'T get that place. Think about each of those individuals - they beat a similar person to that spot - perhaps two, or three, even. Now think about yourself and question your reasons why you're here. Are you doing this to be the best version of yourself you can be?

    Or do you want to coast? Slip by, unnoticed? Do you want to take the entire reason, the entire purpose, the entire system of College and University and try to bend it to adhere to your own routines and habits? Because if this is the case then you truly need to wait until your mind is in a more healthy place. By indulging an eating disorder or any mental habitual disorder whilst at university is just like seeing the version of you - the "100% potential You" - and each time you indulge the ED, you knock away 1 or 2% each time. And it doesn't come back. Every missed lecture. Every group of peer studies turned down. Every lunch date to revise shunned so you can drink a lone cup-a-soup in your room and do some situps. You just keep killing off your body and all the reasons why you SHOULD be in university to begin with.

    You cannot outright "kill" your mental disorder, regardless of the reasons why you created it for yourself. I created mine for control. Others created theirs for vanity, for ambitions, for hidden companionship. The only thing to do is to outright defy it; as you do so, you rebuild your body and suddenly your mind starts to make more sense. Suddenly as your brain heals you rebuild a sense of reasoning and sanity. Things you took for granted as normal, you started to question. "If it's a meal for one, then why am I always having half with salad", you think. "If everyone else in the office goes to the sandwich van, and I'm the only one bringing in a smal tuna salad, maybe they all AREN'T the wrong ones, as I initially thought." Reason starts to kick in and as you move further and further away from grossly skeletal and ungodly thinness, you start to actually appreciate your body all the more.

    People started saying I have a man's body now, not a boy's. You know the weird thing? I used to take the "body of a ten year old boy" thing as a compliment; it meant my regime was working. I didn't care that it was gross beyond belief, that I was a human chicken-wing, I cared nothing about vanity; I cared about the outright goal. I shunned all other goals, blinkering myself slowly but surely. Soon, I wasn't just shunning little things, but starting to miss uni. I started to miss WORK. And then? Well, hospital, months to live, crying because I'd "failed my goal". What was the goal? Well, by that point, I don't think I even knew. I was just a breathing skeleton. I didn't care about a Master's Degree, or a great job, or 2.4 children. And to be honest, I almost eradicated that as a possibility; the doctors say I almost made myself permanently sterile.

    Believe it or not at that point, I was BMI 15ish. I know a lot of women on here are even less than that, and that terrifies me. I know many people function at different levels, but likewise, some people die at higher levels too.

    So what I urge you to do is to think hard about why you want university, and I mean REALLY think - and then post back. Be honest. I won't judge you whatsoever, and god knows if anyone else on here does I'll be on them like a ton of bricks. I want each and every poster here to get the hard, fast and true justice their lives deserve.
    • #197
    #197

    Toto, first of all, I want to thank you for your thread. As someone who has never suffered with an eating disorder, this has given me a great insight into what it is actually like to live life day to day, over several years, controlled by numbers.

    As I mentioned earlier, I've never had to go through this myself. However, I'm posting here today because I am worried about a friend of mine who I desperately want to help, I just don't know how.

    When I started uni last year, I became close friends with a group of girls and we will all be living together in a rented student house for second year. One of the girls told us all early on that she used to have an ED when she was about 15-16, that it didn't last long as she quickly realised that if it went too far she could jeopardise her ability to have children. Now, three years since her ED she claims that she is fine. And to anyone on the street she would seem fine, she doesn't appear physically to have an ED, she isn't underweight. In fact, she's a perfectly healthy weight for her taller height of 5'8" and fits a UK size 10. But it's not a physical manifestation of an ED that I've noticed.

    After living in catered halls with her for a year, eating with her 3 times a day, I've picked up on certain mannerisms. She would always pick the lowest calorie meal, regardless of whether it was something that she actually liked. And by third term she had gotten herself into the routine of a tiny portion of bran flakes for breakfast (brown toast on weekend as a "treat"), a sandwich for lunch, and soup for dinner. Every day. She would argue that she was just trying to eat healthily. But I can't help but worry as she is an active girl, at one point during the year practicing two sports, now just one. She rarely ate fruit, or got anything from the salad bar in halls, and she admitted that she hasn't eaten a packet of crisps or chocolate since she was 15. She gives away all easter eggs and gifts. The only biscuits she'll allow herself are weight watchers. Recently, she told me (quite proudly too) that she had cut out sugar and was attempting to cut out carbs completely (she would only eat brown rice, brown pasta to begin with anyway). She will study every package meticulously for the calorie/fat content, and she is obsessed about how many miles she walks in a day.

    When I've asked her about the ED in the past she has always talked as if it's done and dusted, and that having an ED is all about self control. But with the way she also talks about weight and clothes sizes, I don't know what to think. She says she feels upset of she cannot fit into a size 8/10, and will refuse to try anything above a size 10, even though everyone knows that sizing is bloody up and down in every shop, varying from each piece of clothing. In addition, she will ask one of us at least once a day, "Do I look okay?", "Do I look fat in this?", "Do I look skinny enough?".

    The biggest moment for me was when I said that I wanted to lose some weight over the summer (14 weeks for uni students), about 5kg, so that I would be the ideal coxing weight (we are both coxes for our boat club). I had it all planned. Exercise routine, healthy eating, a long period of time to lose the weight slowly and safely (I checked the BMI chart, and it would be healthy for me to lose that much weight for my 5'4" frame). Within seconds, my friends had decided to join me in this mission. Though for her it would mean losing 10-13kg, and owing to her height, it would put her underweight. This didn't bother her, and in fact she suggested the Freddo diet - eating just one chocolate Freddo a day to lose the weight quickly, despite hearing a story about how this "diet" had hospitalised a friend of a friend.

    I'm sorry for this long post. I wanted to give you as much information as possible, as I know that each the way an ED affects someone will vary from person to person. I thought it better to tell you the individual signs I have picked up on rather than just say, "Hey I have a friend with an ED and I don't know what to do", even though that is what this post boils down to. I don't know what to do. I worry for her. I worry that she thinks everything is fine, when to me and our friends it is clear that this is not healthy attitude to food and there is something wrong with her body image. She's a beautiful girl who many would be jealous of, yet I fear that she looks in the mirror and sees something different. I don't know if I can make much difference, but I want to help her, in any way that I can, I just don't know how.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    First of all thank you so much for the long, thoughtful reply! Yeah I guess you're right, I mean I have "recovered" a bit in that I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago when I was hospitalised. However that process did halt, and I kidded myself that it was because I was okay. I guess it was because usually people are either recovering or relapsing, not stalling and staying still.

    Most of what I've read is the earliest posts. I've been working my way through - I think it's helping me to read the journeys of other people on here, it makes recovery feel more real and achievable.

    I don't think University has ever been about making it easier for disordered thoughts to take effect, it's very much been my dream. I've always known what I wanted to study and to be honest academics is my life. I think I just worry about the change and the stress, as I know that not eating has been my way of dealing with it in the past. You've given me a lot to think about though. I need to sit and think, maybe write something down about the reasons why I'm going to University and how grateful I am for it - and not to throw it away. I also probably do need to question my actions more. I guess because I've coasted for so long, things that are disordered ways of behaving have become very normal, natural things that I don't question. I don't even notice what I do any more that isn't exactly typical. I'm trying to kick myself back into gear, even if it's not much of a change at the moment. Right now I'm working on eating an extra small something a day and also attempting to release some of my restrictions on portion sizes and calorie caps on ready meals.

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    As you have probably seen from a few of my other posts, I am extremely worried about uni too, I have only really just started recovery a couple of months ago, and I really do not know if I am strong enough to ignore the ED at uni.. especially when I am entirely responsible for my own diet and live next door to a gym :/ but I am trying to stay positive about it, although many people have told me they don't think I should go to uni this year, I am determined to do it.. I'm hoping it will give me some real motivation to get better.
    I agree about the motivation - I found that I only started recovering for myself after IP and I was looking at going back to college, etc. as it gave me a drive to recover, at least for a little while. I'm determined too. Hopefully both of us will fight this together.:hugs:

    Argh. I feel like there is a lot more to say but my brain feels a bit fuzzled at the moment and the words aren't coming out right.
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    (Original post by AlesanaWill)
    First of all thank you so much for the long, thoughtful reply! Yeah I guess you're right, I mean I have "recovered" a bit in that I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago when I was hospitalised. However that process did halt, and I kidded myself that it was because I was okay. I guess it was because usually people are either recovering or relapsing, not stalling and staying still.

    Most of what I've read is the earliest posts. I've been working my way through - I think it's helping me to read the journeys of other people on here, it makes recovery feel more real and achievable.

    I don't think University has ever been about making it easier for disordered thoughts to take effect, it's very much been my dream. I've always known what I wanted to study and to be honest academics is my life. I think I just worry about the change and the stress, as I know that not eating has been my way of dealing with it in the past. You've given me a lot to think about though. I need to sit and think, maybe write something down about the reasons why I'm going to University and how grateful I am for it - and not to throw it away. I also probably do need to question my actions more. I guess because I've coasted for so long, things that are disordered ways of behaving have become very normal, natural things that I don't question. I don't even notice what I do any more that isn't exactly typical. I'm trying to kick myself back into gear, even if it's not much of a change at the moment. Right now I'm working on eating an extra small something a day and also attempting to release some of my restrictions on portion sizes and calorie caps on ready meals.



    I agree about the motivation - I found that I only started recovering for myself after IP and I was looking at going back to college, etc. as it gave me a drive to recover, at least for a little while. I'm determined too. Hopefully both of us will fight this together.:hugs:

    Argh. I feel like there is a lot more to say but my brain feels a bit fuzzled at the moment and the words aren't coming out right.
    Yeah, I just want uni so bad, and I know I cant be a good teacher, a good role model to young children like this. And like you, I live for academics.. although not necessarily in a good way always because I can get obsessive about revision and stuff which makes ED behaviours worse, but I feel like I recognise that now and I hope that uni will give me a chance to create a healthy balance, and really start to properly beat this. Because if I'm honest with myself theres always been some excuse to not get better, mostly 'I'm not ill' which I know deep down is rubbish. That's why I am so grateful to this thread. Its helped me so much, there's is always honest and open advice, and no mollycoddling which is the last thing an ED sufferer needs I guess. And everyone is so lovely and supportive. I hope its as helpful to you as it has been to me
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    I was feeling so good today about food. I even managed to polish off a roast dinner, and raspberries and cream for pudding. I was impressed with myself and was even managing to convince myself I was developing a better attitude to food.

    My boyfriend weighed himself just now, and asked me to do the same. I'm 54.5kgs. That's the heaviest I've ever been. I'm completely gutted. I feel like I've failed. Any positivity about food earlier was wrong. I'm already planning how I can skip breakfast tomorrow without my boyfriend finding out.

    If I weren't feeling so low from other things happening in my life right now, I think I'd be stronger, but I'm so worn down by stress I don't know how much longer I can be strong. Something is going to have to give sooner or later.
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Yeah, I just want uni so bad, and I know I cant be a good teacher, a good role model to young children like this. And like you, I live for academics.. although not necessarily in a good way always because I can get obsessive about revision and stuff which makes ED behaviours worse, but I feel like I recognise that now and I hope that uni will give me a chance to create a healthy balance, and really start to properly beat this. Because if I'm honest with myself theres always been some excuse to not get better, mostly 'I'm not ill' which I know deep down is rubbish. That's why I am so grateful to this thread. Its helped me so much, there's is always honest and open advice, and no mollycoddling which is the last thing an ED sufferer needs I guess. And everyone is so lovely and supportive. I hope its as helpful to you as it has been to me
    I just want you to know that although I constantly come across as the cruel authority figure sometimes, this really meant a lot to me.

    A mental disorder is truly a painful thing to endure but we HAVE to realise - we've done it TO OURSELVES. That makes it no less real a problem, but we need perspective. Sometimes I come across as the demoniser, but I am not, I just try to find a voice of clarity through it all.

    This just meant a lot for me to hear you say (or, see you type). Thanks chook. x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    I just want you to know that although I constantly come across as the cruel authority figure sometimes, this really meant a lot to me.

    A mental disorder is truly a painful thing to endure but we HAVE to realise - we've done it TO OURSELVES. That makes it no less real a problem, but we need perspective. Sometimes I come across as the demoniser, but I am not, I just try to find a voice of clarity through it all.

    This just meant a lot for me to hear you say (or, see you type). Thanks chook. x
    Ah don't thank me I literally cannot put into words how much this thread has helped me, in particular your advice, because you really bring it home what we are doing to ourselves in your honesty. Not to mention that you are inspiration for everyone on here. You are doing so amazingly well :') God now I'm all emotional x
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    binged so much tonight, and knowing i was doing it :sad:
    in such a bad place atm, and i dont know how to get myself out
    so stuck and lost
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
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    binged so much tonight, and knowing i was doing it :sad:
    in such a bad place atm, and i dont know how to get myself out
    so stuck and lost
    You can do this hun :hugs:
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    You can do this hun :hugs:
    Really cant, falling apart at every hurdle



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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    Really cant, falling apart at every hurdle



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    Ahh hun Don't worry about the binge Tomorrow is a new day! I have faith in you!
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Ahh hun Don't worry about the binge Tomorrow is a new day! I have faith in you!
    I have no faith... Im home alone ALL day


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