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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    A good mantra to remember is, whenever you find yourself having "not enough time to do X", think that you're spending that time "doing anorexia/bulimia". That is an activity. You are spending time indulging it.

    A lot of people assume that it's through purposeful negligence but in reality you're making a valid and continuous effort to "do anorexia" instead of "doing food".

    So it's not a case of "I have no time, so I cannot eat" - it's a case of, "I have no time because I'm spending it avoiding food."

    It takes approximately thirty seconds to drink a 250ml smoothie if that's your last resort. If you're sitting at a computer revising, "I'm revising, no time for eating." Well, your hands are free when you're reading. Your mouth is free, you're not talking. There you go!

    It's easy to make excuses because you have "no spare time". But if you have time to "do anorexia", you have time to "do food."
    • #200
    #200

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey and welcome to the thread! It's great you've managed to open up a bit about your issues on here, it's a solid step towards accepting that you're habits / thoughts might need changing. A lot of what you've said is quite familiar and it does sound like you've got some issues around food and your body which are linked to your mood. It would be great if you could tell someone close to you about this, but posting on here is a good start. If you want someone to message, feel free to message me. I'm a bit worried about Uni too, is it going to be your first year?

    This is general advice to anyone going to Uni this year, I've been thinking about this stuff a lot over the last few days:

    I'm going self-catered and it'll be my first year. My mum's taking me round Tesco after I've unpacked to get loads of stuff for meals, etc. which will be useful, so I know she'll make sure I have enough to start me off. I'm planning on getting a couple of "emergency" ready meals because I'm worried I'll get caught up by the chaos of freshers and "not have time" to eat - which is a load of bull**** but EDs pray on those sorts of situations. So having a ready meal that you can bung in the mic for a few minutes is always useful if you're starting to get stressed about what to have or not having enough time to make anything.

    Also another thing is to have a good stock of decent snacks like chocolate bars, granola bars (love the nature valley with chocolate ones - they are YUM), etc. that you can throw in your bag. This is going to be useful if you've got freshers events (anything from registration, freshers' fairs, nights out) and you're not sure how long you're going to be out for. It's easy to avoid snacks by being out all morning / afternoon.

    Don't compare yourself to your flat mates. I don't know whether this is a bit stereotypical, but I'm expecting a lot of people to not have proper meals. There'll be people in your flat that don't have breakfast and don't eat a proper lunch or dinner. That doesn't give you an excuse not to have breakfast or whatever and you shouldn't feel self-conscious about doing so (I know I used to hate eating when other people weren't). If you're finding it difficult then try to set an exact time to have your breakfast in the morning, decide what you're going to have before you get to the kitchen to save potentially agonising about it in front of flat mates, and take it back to your bedroom if you don't want to eat in front of others (though I recommend trying to eat in communal areas if you can). Setting reminders on your phone about meal times is a good way of keeping in check too, especially in freshers' week where your established routine has gone out the window. MAKE time to eat. Make it a priority. If necessary plan what and when you're going to eat for the day. Take a packed lunch rather than relying on buying a meal deal or whatever (it's all to easy to panic if the sandwiches you like have all gone).

    If you can let someone know about your eating disorder at Uni this is very useful. They can't help you if they don't know. I appreciate how difficult this is though! Often there's someone you can email which is usually easier than face to face / over the phone. And remember you won't be the first person at your Uni with an eating disorder. You won't be alone. Check and see whether there's a support group at your Uni, you can usually find it through the Uni's health pages.

    That's all I've got for now. Might think of more later!

    Yep, going to be a fresher in about a week (so much to do, so much laziness). My sister is going to take me to get food after I've unpacked so I know I'll at least have enough canned goods to last a zombie apocalypse :P Thank you for the advice, especially the 'don't compare yourself to your flatmates', I definitely need to remind myself of that throughout freshers.I think I'm going to try and plan my meals out for the first couple of weeks as I'm not the best at winging it... :rolleyes:

    I'm really trying to build myself up to tell one of my friends, especially since two of them are going to be in the same city for Uni but, ah...as you say, it's difficult. Knowing me, it'll probably have to be said while tipsy (oh so classy)

    I think, on the whole, I'll be okay for freshers since I'll have something to occupy my mind and things to do (trying to socialise, not spending all my money in one week etc. :rolleyes:) it's afterwards I'm more worried about. I just hope I get my brain in gear and tell someone/the uni. Thanks again for the advice!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It's said that "you've never really had a bad day, until you experience a bad day." I know what this feels like and it seems to me, you do too.

    Sadly, my friend, life rarely gives us a single ball to juggle; it likes to throw one or two our way for us to fumble about with. Test our resolve, check we're working as hard as we possibly can to better ourselves. I like to think of these days less as "the worst days ever" and more like "the days where we're forced to wake up."

    So many of us just coast and coast, experiencing life but not even really living it. When circumstances just hit you, strip you bare naked and shout to you, "right - show me why you're here, REALLY!" - you're placed on the spot, your mind goes into overdrive considering all the things that make you, you.

    Riku, we place so much value on the superficial things. Imagine a building with foundations made out of glass but wallpaper inside of the finest gold leaf and Rembrandt first-hand painted borders. Right now, this is the life lived by many of the ED-sufferers here.

    Always fretting about the paint on the walls and forgetting the walls are made of paper.
    Thanks for your support Toto. She came back it won't last forever but I'll enjoy what we have wile we do.
    I'm ashamed to say my various addictions are probably going to ruin the last days of our relationship it's so hard to beat when some of them are just so sensual. It's like they're trying to connect me back to life but actually disconnecting me.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Thanks for your support Toto. She came back it won't last forever but I'll enjoy what we have wile we do.
    I'm ashamed to say my various addictions are probably going to ruin the last days of our relationship it's so hard to beat when some of them are just so sensual. It's like they're trying to connect me back to life but actually disconnecting me.
    One thing that genuinely saddens me is that you seem to love the idea of a relationship, and of being in love, but you're almost confined to the fact your mental disorder is your "current partner". In some respects this is true; we often judge them as a buddy, a friend, a void-filler for a part of our life that was perhaps lacking, and we created the space for them.

    Weirdest notion ever is that an eating or body dysmorphic disorder is a problem you personally created in order to find a solution to it, in order to find some semblance of victory, worth, or completion.

    In this respect we rip and rend the void to get even bigger, even greater, for a bigger sense of accomplishment from filling it. It's like slicing open your own arm just so you can feel great when you sew it all back up. Yeah, you've healed your arm, but look at all the pain - look at the huge scar you made on yourself!

    Soon, the rend grows so big it gets it's own identity, it's own... status. You aren't just Riku, you're "Riku and Eating Disorder". It's a pairing, a pal, a partner, and suddenly you realise you feel married to it.

    I'm unsurprised you feel almost like you cannot be with your "real" partner because of your fabricated crutch; but the air of inevitability that you will sabotage it to go back to your disordered mindset shows you ill you still are, buddy.

    Keep going, keep fighting it.

    It's not your partner, it's a void you're ripping ever wider in your existence.
    • #201
    #201

    I did it! I survived most of the holidays.

    For some people, this week is the beginning of a New Year, as Rosh Hashanah is being celebrated around the world. Tradition teaches us that during the High Holy Days every person’s fate will be decided for the next year and whether one lives or dies or suffers is being determined. People are suppossed to make amends and fix any wrong doings, so as to enter the New Year with a clean slate.:eek:(no pressure, huh? )


    I started wondering if that also includes oneself. Can I make amends with myself and accept my shortcomings and imperfections and move forward in this next year loving myself more?

    When one suffers with a eating disorder, it is easy to be more critical on my than I would be on other people. I find myself getting frustrated and angry when I can’t remember something or I dont get the grades I want. Yet, if a friend or loved one had a problem, I would just help them and not think twice, but I put myself down when I forget something I should know.


    I also wonder why I cringed everytime someone has wished me a Happy and HEALTHY New Year over these past few days. I get sad when I hear this phrase because I wonder how can I have a healthy year when I am not healthy at this moment. Maybe I would feel better if someone said have a HEALTHIER New Year.


    So with this New Year, I am also going to try and be more accepting of what people say, when I know their intent is well meaning. I do take offense sometimes to words my friends say because I think they are very uncaring but really, they just don’t have the same perspective as I do.


    During this New Year I am also going to remember that even with a chronic condition we still can lead a good life.

    There are certain choices that we can make and certain courses of action that we can pursue, that have the ability to infuse our hard life with goodness and life, and there are others choices that can drain life.

    I am choosing the first option and choosing to be a person who embraces the kind of values, ideals, and choices that will fill my days with life, with positivity, with meaning, with goodness!!

    But since I am not super woman, I am going to bed before someone else tells me to be healthy
    • #173
    #173

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    So my partner and I had an argument the other night because I ate the topping off a quarter of pizza and didn't want to eat anything more than that.

    He insisted I have an eating disorder and need help. In my head I was thinking Yes! Yes I do! Please help me but what actually came out of my mouth was "No I don't, I'm fine!" over and over again. After a lot of tears and cuddles I agreed to eat something substantial, but I still wish I didn't have to fight with myself or my partner every night in order to eat dinner.
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    Anyone having problems settling into uni, give me a shout. I know it can be a daunting experience, even if you don't have an ED.

    I have to say, I found coming to uni really liberating. I didn't feel like I was being forced to eat. I had already recovered at that point but being at home just meant that my parents controlled everything and being at home actually meant that my eating was worse; although recovered, I still hated the feeling that my parents were controlling my eating. When I got to uni, I was in control and I liked the fact that I was in charge and responsible for myself. I knew that to socialise, study, go clubbing, drink etc., I had to have a good diet and, without my parents, I felt like I could and should eat what I wanted.

    I also feel like uni has made me accept myself for who I am. I feel more at ease here. No one is judging me. People want to know me for who I am, not how I look. The good thing about uni is that it's completely different from school. Friendships and popularity isn't based on fickle things like looks. It's based on who you are. Now, I truly feel like I've found my own self-worth and I'm a lot less fussy about how I look/how much I weigh etc. I've never felt so good before.

    So, although it may seem daunting, just try and embrace uni. Don't waste these years. You can't get them back and trust me, they are the best years of your life. I'm now in my final year and I just do not want to leave! x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Anyone having problems settling into uni, give me a shout. I know it can be a daunting experience, even if you don't have an ED.

    I have to say, I found coming to uni really liberating. I didn't feel like I was being forced to eat. I had already recovered at that point but being at home just meant that my parents controlled everything and being at home actually meant that my eating was worse; although recovered, I still hated the feeling that my parents were controlling my eating. When I got to uni, I was in control and I liked the fact that I was in charge and responsible for myself. I knew that to socialise, study, go clubbing, drink etc., I had to have a good diet and, without my parents, I felt like I could and should eat what I wanted.

    I also feel like uni has made me accept myself for who I am. I feel more at ease here. No one is judging me. People want to know me for who I am, not how I look. The good thing about uni is that it's completely different from school. Friendships and popularity isn't based on fickle things like looks. It's based on who you are. Now, I truly feel like I've found my own self-worth and I'm a lot less fussy about how I look/how much I weigh etc. I've never felt so good before.

    So, although it may seem daunting, just try and embrace uni. Don't waste these years. You can't get them back and trust me, they are the best years of your life. I'm now in my final year and I just do not want to leave! x

    Hi there!

    I have an eating disorder and am due to start uni in less than a week - moving up there Sunday 22nd Sept. I don't want people to find out I have an eating disorder however it will be obvious I can't go out for meals and sit eating a load of sweets and chocolate and stuff like that. My inability to do this will distance me from people straight away and I feel like I shall become isolated right away! But I can't just get rid of my ED. I am not at the stage yet where I want to recover. I can't recover yet. My girlfriend has clocked on about me ED and I'm so annoyed cos she's trying to make me better but she doesn't understand it's not that simple!

    What do I do? How do I appear normal to everyone at first just so that I can fit in and make some friends? I don't want this to spiral into deep depression from being so isolated

    Sorry if I sound like a drama queen! I'm just scared and don't know what to do I would appreciate any advice that isn't critical of me having an ED! I can't help it
    Thank you guys!
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    (Original post by maria_savolainen)
    Hi there!

    I have an eating disorder and am due to start uni in less than a week - moving up there Sunday 22nd Sept. I don't want people to find out I have an eating disorder however it will be obvious I can't go out for meals and sit eating a load of sweets and chocolate and stuff like that. My inability to do this will distance me from people straight away and I feel like I shall become isolated right away! But I can't just get rid of my ED. I am not at the stage yet where I want to recover. I can't recover yet. My girlfriend has clocked on about me ED and I'm so annoyed cos she's trying to make me better but she doesn't understand it's not that simple!

    What do I do? How do I appear normal to everyone at first just so that I can fit in and make some friends? I don't want this to spiral into deep depression from being so isolated

    Sorry if I sound like a drama queen! I'm just scared and don't know what to do I would appreciate any advice that isn't critical of me having an ED! I can't help it
    Thank you guys!
    First of all welcome, I hope you're okay. I know that EDs can cause a lot of social problems as eating is such a social thing, so I can see where you're coming from with your worries. However I'd also point out that although people with eating disorders focus on food, most people don't - therefore other people won't be analysing what you do / don't eat and probably won't think anything of you saying no to sweets, etc. if you're not comfortable with eating them.

    I know that you don't feel ready to recover, and forced recovery doesn't usually work. However I would say that *try* to keep an open mind and treat university as a new start. If you can, try and talk to your girlfriend. You say she doesn't understand but have you both sat down and had a good chat about it - no shouting, no "you should do this", etc. but simply talking about how you feel, the thoughts you have and why you're doing what you're doing. This might help a lot.

    This bit might be a bit hard to take. Your fears of being socially distant are very real ones - eating disorders do this to people. It's the sacrifice you're making in order to lose weight (one of many sacrifices I imagine). You clearly want to be able to mix with people, but this disordered way of thinking is preventing you from doing that. There is the problem. It's not about trying to find ways of socialising despite having the disorder - it's about tackling the disorder, which will help you become more social. I'm not going to tell you "RECOVER NOW", because that's a useless thing to say. You have to recover when you're ready to. However I would start to question the reasons why you're doing the things you are - why are you trying to lose weight? What will it really achieve? Are all the sacrifices you're making actually worth it (think of friends, family, your girlfriend, your education, your health, etc.)? Are you in control here? Why do you say you can't recover? Why can't you?

    I really recommend trying to see a doctor about this if you can. They will not jump and try and force-feed you or be angry with you. They will offer you support, so you're not alone. But please start thinking and questioning your actions, thoughts and fears. Eating disorders frequently destroy peoples' futures. You don't want to go to university and simply get more ill, to the point where you have to drop out. Ask yourself what future you want: do you want the eating disorder or do you want everything else? Because that's what it boils down to - eating disorders do not compromise and they will leave you with nothing but them. If that is not what you want, which I hope it isn't, then it might be time to start looking at ways you can get yourself out of this.
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    This is the first day in a long time that a peer has called me a "chubby sod".

    Though I know fine well that my medical recovery requires steroid injections and spine-based calification, I had no idea it would impact me so hard.

    I am on twenty-odd milligrams of steroid a day and it has made me a... well, a " chubby sod". I knew it was going to happen. I ruined my body and now I need to rebuild it. But I am 9 and a half stones now and my body is doing what any body on steroids does - pack any mass on. I have no control over it, and that is the killer factor - I am being allowed no control. I eat the 2000 calorie diet of maintenance, and I gain weight. I eat less, more - I gain weight. My body rebels and packs it on. My mum's friend said to me today, "oh, you're healthy-looking now, can you not STOP the weight gaining now?" - and I wanted to say, "God almighty, I wish it was an option!" - but my medical pros have informed me that though I might eat less, the steroids may still make me gain weight. My almost ridiculously coin-like face and rotund body have become something of a talking point with the family, and I for one am trying my best to blinker myself.

    The moral to come from my circumstance? No matter how far you go, guys, don't give up. What you're doing is for a purpose, and nothing, not even from your most dear, should change your opinion of recovery.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    This is the first day in a long time that a peer has called me a "chubby sod".

    Though I know fine well that my medical recovery requires steroid injections and spine-based calification, I had no idea it would impact me so hard.

    I am on twenty-odd milligrams of steroid a day and it has made me a... well, a " chubby sod". I knew it was going to happen. I ruined my body and now I need to rebuild it. But I am 9 and a half stones now and my body is doing what any body on steroids does - pack any mass on. I have no control over it, and that is the killer factor - I am being allowed no control. I eat the 2000 calorie diet of maintenance, and I gain weight. I eat less, more - I gain weight. My body rebels and packs it on. My mum's friend said to me today, "oh, you're healthy-looking now, can you not STOP the weight gaining now?" - and I wanted to say, "God almighty, I wish it was an option!" - but my medical pros have informed me that though I might eat less, the steroids may still make me gain weight. My almost ridiculously coin-like face and rotund body have become something of a talking point with the family, and I for one am trying my best to blinker myself.

    The moral to come from my circumstance? No matter how far you go, guys, don't give up. What you're doing is for a purpose, and nothing, not even from your most dear, should change your opinion of recovery.
    I find it sad that even people who care deeply about you are slightly missing the point of your recovery. Why not more questions like how are you? How are you feeling? What's been happening? Seeing how happy or at ease you are, how lively and sociable? Whether you're doing all the stuff you still love or just the stuff you made yourself think you love? Why are they not looking past the exterior and saying, how much of my old pal Tommy is coming back, or is still there?

    I guess it's almost impossible not to notice appearances, but you can't judge one's character by appearance alone, that much I know. And it's a guarantee that 'chubby Toto' has much more character than anorexic and proud Toto.

    Keep on keeping on, buddy. :hugs:

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    Hope everyone's OK. I'm keeping at arm's length from this thread for now. Not because I think I'm recovered (hell no-I have a new worry a day at the moment, several still food/exercise-based) but because focussing on how 'not ED' or 'not anxiety' I am isn't the point. Recovery is how much of my life I have back, or I've built a new one. And it's getting there.
    I figured out that the Internet, ironically, is just as much of a crutch as my weight. It's certainly the easiest way to gain back being completely sedentary, but that doesn't mean much if my mind and soul aren't either. (For example, I've spent the last 3 months on TSR spewing worry after worry, sometimes obsessively and repetitively. Now loads of people know I'm sick. I might be anon to who I really am but still. Need to lay low. Obviously still need counselling for various things, sexuality's one of them, and I seem to be one of my own biggest sources of stigma.

    There is a life outside this illness but there's a life outside my room too. Both my disorder and addiction are retreats into my own psyche, away from the world. They both enable each other. They're both wasting precious days of my life. I've lost 4 out of 20 years to mental illness-that's 20% of my life, 5% of my llife expectancy and the so-called honeymoon of my life, gone.
    So the crutches have to go too.

    Please don't take my fitness blog the wrong way guys, I decided going out for a run then having a fun-filled day doing whatnot is much better than just sitting around on the laptop feeling miserable 24/7. Exercise does make me feel better (as does healthy food, I bloody love tuna pasta for example and that's not an ED thing)-how reliant I am on it is a different matter. But like the forbidden fruit, if I ban it entirely I'm just going to crave it more. Moderation in everything.
    As for becoming addicted (you could argue I am)..just going to have to trust my own judgment for once! It's as was said earlier, there's a risk to all things. Only I can make the decision. And I'm bloody not choosing a disorder.
    Perhaps the blog is a crutch too, really. Only time will tell.


    I'm not leaving just yet but will have to try and massively cut down on my posting here.Thanks for all your support and wisdom over the last few years

    Good luck to everyone...I'll be lurking :P
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    • #122
    #122

    As much as I am loving my new start at university, i've never felt such an internal demon in my ED. Before it's always been something i've accepted as part of me but now I feel trapped. Every time I put on a dress to go out, it never fits just right and no matter how many people say it looks nice, it looks fine, i've developed a fear of the mirror. The mirror proves what my body tells me. I've developed an anxiety of my new friends opinions; my confidence has crumbled. With the new start support groups are reaching out their hands; can they tell? I've kept my bulimia a secret for five years and I feel it's creeping through. I don't want this anymore
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As much as I am loving my new start at university, i've never felt such an internal demon in my ED. Before it's always been something i've accepted as part of me but now I feel trapped. Every time I put on a dress to go out, it never fits just right and no matter how many people say it looks nice, it looks fine, i've developed a fear of the mirror. The mirror proves what my body tells me. I've developed an anxiety of my new friends opinions; my confidence has crumbled. With the new start support groups are reaching out their hands; can they tell? I've kept my bulimia a secret for five years and I feel it's creeping through. I don't want this anymore
    Do you think that the shock change of Uni has helped you take a good look at your life and realise that you shouldn't just accept your ED as a given but really try and fight it and get rid of it? Often it takes a big shake up for people to actually see what's right and what's wrong in their life (things that have become routine and normal even if they're not normal).

    If there are support groups available, seize them (as scary as it might be attending). Remember the people there will understand and be able to relate - this is invaluable stuff when fighting an ED. It really sounds like you're crying out to get some help with this, after being alone for so long. I know it's scary to confide in people, but I really think it should be something you at least consider, especially as it's making you feel so anxious and low.

    *hugs*
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    So I put on a pair of jeans this morning and they're tighter than usual on me.

    My whole world has collapsed I thought I was doing well but I now want to restrict more severely than before.

    How do you guys deal with thoughts like this?
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by snowyowl)
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    So I put on a pair of jeans this morning and they're tighter than usual on me.

    My whole world has collapsed I thought I was doing well but I now want to restrict more severely than before.

    How do you guys deal with thoughts like this?
    firstly. Breathe. It's only a pair of jeans, its not like you've gone and started WW3. Jeans do silly things, end up tighter than usual because your mum's oput them in the tumble dryer, or because you've used a different wash powder/ fabric softener, or they've dried closer to the radiator than usual. Or maybe you're just retaining lightly more water than normal. Are you drinking enough? Perhaps you've had a tiny bit more salt than usual.
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    (Original post by maria_savolainen)
    Hi there!

    I have an eating disorder and am due to start uni in less than a week - moving up there Sunday 22nd Sept. I don't want people to find out I have an eating disorder however it will be obvious I can't go out for meals and sit eating a load of sweets and chocolate and stuff like that. My inability to do this will distance me from people straight away and I feel like I shall become isolated right away! But I can't just get rid of my ED. I am not at the stage yet where I want to recover. I can't recover yet. My girlfriend has clocked on about me ED and I'm so annoyed cos she's trying to make me better but she doesn't understand it's not that simple!

    What do I do? How do I appear normal to everyone at first just so that I can fit in and make some friends? I don't want this to spiral into deep depression from being so isolated

    Sorry if I sound like a drama queen! I'm just scared and don't know what to do I would appreciate any advice that isn't critical of me having an ED! I can't help it
    Thank you guys!
    To be honest, I don't really know how to help. I found that university helped me forget about my ED (I had been recovered for less than a year -- statistically, the time you're most likely to relapse). I found that everyone was enjoying eating and drinking and I felt that I had a right to do so as well. I know that it may isolate you but it may be what you need to start realising that an ED isn't a good thing. The best thing I can advise is to contact your mental health team at university, they may be able to help. Or be brave and just take a leap of faith and try to integrate.
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    I'm finding it difficult to advise on a personal level when at least two or three newcomers appear at once, but please don't take this as being negligent.

    My first key piece of advice - don't willingly feed the disorder. This one is on YOU. Don't do it. If you start your sentence or mindset with, "I KNOW I could be doing X, but..." - you're making an excuse and that's you just feeding the broken, killer aspect of your life that wants to break you down. Remember that you're accountable for ALL your actions, and the moment you start to realise that the "voice in your head" is merely another part of you that's wrong, you've taken a giant leap to helping yourself.

    Second piece of advice - NEVER turn down help. God knows it's so few and far between. When I was ripping my own life apart a part of me screamed for help, and at one point a peer mentioned I was getting... really drawn and tired-looking. I said, "Hah, it's work". He then replied, "we do the same job, mate, what's on your mind?" and I totally fobbed him off. If you're the guy in the ocean who's being thrown a lifebelt only to hit it away and struggle in the opposite direction, away from land, into the horizon, why should anyone attempt to throw another lifebelt? Thankfully I was one of the luckier individuals... but the mortality rate speaks for itself. 18-20% of anorexics die within 20 years of starting their disorder. That's a horrible notion, right? Those are the ones that, and I quote, "never take responsibility nor accept help".

    At the heart of it - COMMON SENSE. If you want to heal, accept that your mind is wrong. Accept that your reasoning is incorrect. When you do this, you'll be ready to start healing - if you're willing to open your arms to the healers.
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    Please help

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    I have seriously reached a peak. I can't do this anymore, as much as I want to I can't recover on my own... I finally accept I'm going to need help.
    Basically since starting sixth form my weight has been dropping, and my BMI's now around 12. I've relapsed all the way back to my lowest weight, and it's happening again. I'm trapped under a restriction of around 400-500 cals, and even that feels too much.
    After countless of hospital appointments, all of my bloods and results are miraculously coming back fine - so they have no basis for immediate hospital admission.

    Cognitively everything's a blur. Anorexia numbs everything, time becomes skewed; my thoughts are obsessive and erratic. I can't think straight, I can't think at all. On top of that - I'm tired. Mentally and physically I can't cope anymore.
    I got prescribed olanzipine for the obsessive thoughts but haven't been taking it. I'm too scared of the side effect - weight gain. And that's stopping me from taking it

    I have a review meeting with the eating disorder services on Thursday. As well as that, I've got a paediatric hospital appointment afterwards. The likelihood is there will be two options:
    1. Paediatric admission to a medical ward. Two weeks of refeeding(but then what?)
    2. A second admission to the adolescent MH ward for three months. Expected to reach a healthy weight.
    The third option is either getting discharged from services, or getting sectioned. But I know that I would agree to IP if I had to.

    I don't know what to do. I have to wait until Thursday, but I'm scared. I haven't gone into sixth form today because I just can't cope. It's freezing there, I can't concentrate and I fall asleep all the time.
    I'm really worried about falling behind with work. I've already missed a couple of days... My dad keeps telling me to go in so I don't miss anything, but I can't continue going in anymore. I might email the administrator and ask for the work to be sent back for now. And then I guess I'll just have to wait until Thursday.

    I'm hoping they'll admit me, because I can't change anything on my own. I would admit myself now if I could. I just want it to stop, to snap my fingers and be a healthy weight... Sixth form has made me realise that there is a chance to have a life out of anorexia. I'm just trapped at the moment and need a boost.

    Paediatric admission or longterm IP? The paediatric admission is kind of used as a medical boost, actually getting food into me... I would rather it because it's only two weeks... But then after leaving how will I cope?
    The longterm admission is the option I prefer the least. I discharged myself last time for a reason. It feels like being locked up... and it's for three months. Three whole months. The benefits are that I won't miss education because they have an education department... and of course I'm expected to reach a healthy weight before discharge.
    The downsides are: three months out of school when I've only just started. And I'll return to school a healthy weight. It will look odd. What will people think?

    Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place. I'm seriously panicking at the moment I really need help.
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    Please help

    TW...numbers mentioned.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I have seriously reached a peak. I can't do this anymore, as much as I want to I can't recover on my own... I finally accept I'm going to need help.
    Basically since starting sixth form my weight has been dropping, and my BMI's now around 12. I've relapsed all the way back to my lowest weight, and it's happening again. I'm trapped under a restriction of around 400-500 cals, and even that feels too much.
    After countless of hospital appointments, all of my bloods and results are miraculously coming back fine - so they have no basis for immediate hospital admission.

    Cognitively everything's a blur. Anorexia numbs everything, time becomes skewed; my thoughts are obsessive and erratic. I can't think straight, I can't think at all. On top of that - I'm tired. Mentally and physically I can't cope anymore.
    I got prescribed olanzipine for the obsessive thoughts but haven't been taking it. I'm too scared of the side effect - weight gain. And that's stopping me from taking it

    I have a review meeting with the eating disorder services on Thursday. As well as that, I've got a paediatric hospital appointment afterwards. The likelihood is there will be two options:
    1. Paediatric admission to a medical ward. Two weeks of refeeding(but then what?)
    2. A second admission to the adolescent MH ward for three months. Expected to reach a healthy weight.
    The third option is either getting discharged from services, or getting sectioned. But I know that I would agree to IP if I had to.

    I don't know what to do. I have to wait until Thursday, but I'm scared. I haven't gone into sixth form today because I just can't cope. It's freezing there, I can't concentrate and I fall asleep all the time.
    I'm really worried about falling behind with work. I've already missed a couple of days... My dad keeps telling me to go in so I don't miss anything, but I can't continue going in anymore. I might email the administrator and ask for the work to be sent back for now. And then I guess I'll just have to wait until Thursday.

    I'm hoping they'll admit me, because I can't change anything on my own. I would admit myself now if I could. I just want it to stop, to snap my fingers and be a healthy weight... Sixth form has made me realise that there is a chance to have a life out of anorexia. I'm just trapped at the moment and need a boost.

    Paediatric admission or longterm IP? The paediatric admission is kind of used as a medical boost, actually getting food into me... I would rather it because it's only two weeks... But then after leaving how will I cope?
    The longterm admission is the option I prefer the least. I discharged myself last time for a reason. It feels like being locked up... and it's for three months. Three whole months. The benefits are that I won't miss education because they have an education department... and of course I'm expected to reach a healthy weight before discharge.
    The downsides are: three months out of school when I've only just started. And I'll return to school a healthy weight. It will look odd. What will people think?

    Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place. I'm seriously panicking at the moment I really need help.
    Oh Hun I know what it's like to want to snap your fingers and everything be ok.
    My main advise is that you need to start to trust. The fact is that everyone who has fully recovered from their ed is so glad that they have, and you will be no different. You are not an exception - everybody needs a healthy body, everyone needs to feed their body and you are no different no matter what the voice says.

    Treatment is the only option - deep down you do not want a life like this. You don't want to be one of the 20% and you don't have to. Trust the people around you, because at this bmi your mind is not functioning well enough to rationalise things properly.

    You will take the time out to get better and when you return back to school (which is no pressure, you can go back whenever you are ready) people will just be happy to have you back. You will have more energy, colour in your skin, and a smile and that is all that people notice. Trust me.

    Xx
 
 
 
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