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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Just when I thought I was in control...

    I got weighed by my therapist and she says if I don't adhere to her new eating plan I will be placed into a residential unit. My BMI is around 16/17, and although the eating plan is daunting and WAY more than I'm used to, I'm dedicated and willing to start it tomorrow. It won't be easy, of course. But, the choice is now or never really. I need to put my faith in my therapist, my faith in my body, start replenishing myself and rebuild. Mentally I am prepared to give it a go. I know it'll be worth it. Hard but worth it.

    Thanks to everyone in this group who fills a thousand others with hope, support and love each and every single day.
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Ah thank you for your advice! Much appreciated
    An excuse for a new wardrobe I guess! xx
    No problem, I recommend Kati Morton's YouTube channel.. She is a therapist and gives great little gems of advice x
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    (Original post by Mackay)
    Just when I thought I was in control...

    I got weighed by my therapist and she says if I don't adhere to her new eating plan I will be placed into a residential unit. My BMI is around 16/17, and although the eating plan is daunting and WAY more than I'm used to, I'm dedicated and willing to start it tomorrow. It won't be easy, of course. But, the choice is now or never really. I need to put my faith in my therapist, my faith in my body, start replenishing myself and rebuild. Mentally I am prepared to give it a go. I know it'll be worth it. Hard but worth it.

    Thanks to everyone in this group who fills a thousand others with hope, support and love each and every single day.
    *hugs*
    Best of luck to you, be strong. Keep posting here to let us know your progress!
    Of course it's hard, it's probably the hardest thing you'll have to put yourself through but remember you are worth it x
    • #205
    #205

    I just moved to uni and I feel like I can't do this, I really want to go home, I lost a couple pound and my bmi was under weight and then put on two pound because I got too thin and now I am freaking out that, I put to much on. I don't like it very much at uni. I want to go home but feel a failer if I do go home.. I don't know what to do? I feel hopeless.
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    Unfortunately I am not currently online, though I still have my mobile. I'll continue to offer brief assistance from my phone!!

    MacKay, you strike me as being me, two years ago. Every kilo you gain will be scrutinized, vetted, hated.

    But let me tell you all a bit of advice you should really think hard about.

    When on a train journey, we start off in a location where we are impatient, grumpy, and desperate for change. It seems like we'll never leave. Sometimes we even feel like leaving the station altogether.

    When that train comes though; we board. We commit. And as the train sets off, we put the earphones in, we put the blinkers on... We ride it out. On the way we see stuff we don't like. But it'll pass. It's. A train journey. Well never see this exact point, these exact people, this exact situation again. The head goes down. We commit again.

    Not until we get off at our destination should we truly consider who, where, why we came here. And what we start to realise is we came here for an important reason; we invested money, time and effort to be here, so... Let's consider only now!

    The truth is, you will always question the journey, but that is utterly futile. Only when you reach your destination should you reflect on your journey.

    A man with a broken leg admitted to hospital, due for an operation tomorrow, cries out "I am not satisfied, I am still.... I am still In great pain!!"- of course you are!! You have only started your journey, your healing.

    "I don't feel like myself!" cries the lad on the train. Er; nobody does. A train journey is a daze, a blinkered trek, an existence you HAVE To do to get where you want to be. Go with it. When you arrive, you will think differently.

    And remember, jumping off a moving train can hurt... Devastatingly. X
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    Do you think it's worth losing weight to make you happy?. Ever since I gained weight I've become a different person and so the only way to be myself (the person who i'm meant to be) is if I get back to the weight I was at. My bmi was 17.8 and that was fine for a young lad, i had loads of meat on me. There was no need for me to be even fatter, in fact i actually looked better then, in terms of muscle tonage and i reckon girls found me sexier too. So anyway, i'm hoping to have a bmi of 17.8 by christmas, my current bmi is 20
    • #203
    #203

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    tried my best to eat normally today - breakfast, lunch, dinner, some snacks, but just ended up purging and hating myself and crying again

    it seems that i get myself into to situations, either i 1. eat three meals, feel horribly guilty, purge and then cry because the horrible thoughts take over, or 2. restrict, and then cry because i just wish i could've had the strength to eat.

    god, i'm a mess. and yet part of me is determined to wait until i've lost more weight to go and speak to the doctor about it because i'm convinced they'd laugh in my face.


    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Eating disorders are more about mindset then weight it some ways.. And I'm a healthy weight and have been or have been just under the whole time I have had my eating disorder.. for ages I refused to accept I needed help because of this, but then I realised it was so unhealthy, no matter what my weight.
    And maybe I can be of help with the medicine thing .. I am going to be starting to study Primary Education next week and I had the whole fitness to practice thing.. there was a time when I thought it would mean I couldnt go, but they contacted my doctor and he said he thinks I am fit to practice, so you should be fine.. hope that helps!
    i just feel like my mindset and mental health must not actually be that bad because i'm not losing weight that quickly

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry to hear about the trouble you're having
    With the medicine side of things, I am also a med student and I saw an advisor recently due to problems of my own. What she said was that seeking help and admitting a problem is not a bad thing professionally. In fact, they want you to have insight into your own health and well being, to know when you're struggling and need to accept some help and also from a point of view of not self-diagnosing/ self-treating.


    I actually came to post on this thread just to speak out my own story and feelings, but saw an opportunity to answer someone else's question as well.
    it's just that i know someone on my course who was declared temporarily not fit to practice (for depression though) and is now on a forced gap year, and is hoping to return to studying next year, which has really unsettled me because i didn't think that was actually something that happened, that it was just something to bear in mind when you're thinking of going to the doctor about something. which just says to me that i should probably wait a while until i get worse so that i can be sure about whats happening to me before i risk something like that? if that makes any sense? like, i want to be sure i actually deserve and warrant help before going to get it?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    tried my best to eat normally today - breakfast, lunch, dinner, some snacks, but just ended up purging and hating myself and crying again

    it seems that i get myself into to situations, either i 1. eat three meals, feel horribly guilty, purge and then cry because the horrible thoughts take over, or 2. restrict, and then cry because i just wish i could've had the strength to eat.

    god, i'm a mess. and yet part of me is determined to wait until i've lost more weight to go and speak to the doctor about it because i'm convinced they'd laugh in my face.




    i just feel like my mindset and mental health must not actually be that bad because i'm not losing weight that quickly



    it's just that i know someone on my course who was declared temporarily not fit to practice (for depression though) and is now on a forced gap year, and is hoping to return to studying next year, which has really unsettled me because i didn't think that was actually something that happened, that it was just something to bear in mind when you're thinking of going to the doctor about something. which just says to me that i should probably wait a while until i get worse so that i can be sure about whats happening to me before i risk something like that? if that makes any sense? like, i want to be sure i actually deserve and warrant help before going to get it?
    It doesn't matter how fast or slow you lose weight, or even if you lose weight at all, its the mindset.. I read this today and it made me think about myself constantly using the fall back 'I'm not ill because I'm not underweight' ...http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar..._campaign=1490
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    (Original post by Evanscence)
    Do you think it's worth losing weight to make you happy?. Ever since I gained weight I've become a different person and so the only way to be myself (the person who i'm meant to be) is if I get back to the weight I was at. My bmi was 17.8 and that was fine for a young lad, i had loads of meat on me. There was no need for me to be even fatter, in fact i actually looked better then, in terms of muscle tonage and i reckon girls found me sexier too. So anyway, i'm hoping to have a bmi of 17.8 by christmas, my current bmi is 20
    I Think this is an exceptionally damaging mindset.

    You want to go from a healthy, normal BMI to an extraordinarily underweight, unhealthy BMI?

    Let me be as plain as I can be.

    I was once the guy who wanted to be the "old me". The TEEN ME. I thought I knew my limits. 12 stone. 11 stone. 10 stone. Fine, I can lose more, I'm still a bit rough around the edges! 9 stones. 8 stones. Well, I can see ribs, but still a tummy. 7 stones. What am I doing again? Em... 6 stones.

    Hospital. A month left to live. Mother is told to day goodbye to her son. This us the end.

    And there we go! The lesson? Nothing is good enough. We are, this second, us. Nobody else. I am not nor will ever be David Beckham, nor Brian Blessed, nor anyone else. The people that love me will love me for me, and will love me for the person I am, not who I CAN be. There is a girl who believes I am perfect, there are many who think I am awful. But that's life.

    Do you think that every girl on earth fancies X model with 9% body fat?! Get real!! They're just the LOUDEST girls!

    Since being weight restored, I am happier than I have ever been.

    Please halt this delusion before you're, like me, forced to say goodbye to your own mother.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    MacKay, you strike me as being me, two years ago. Every kilo you gain will be scrutinized, vetted, hated.
    X
    Is that a negative thing?

    Your words are greatly appreciate Toto. You have a certain eloquence. I am committed to boarding the train. In fact, I boarded it two days ago. I can only place trust - in myself and others around me - that the journey will be painful, yes, but ultimately the gains we will all receive from my recovery will far outweigh the pains.
    • #204
    #204

    (Original post by Anonymous)


    it's just that i know someone on my course who was declared temporarily not fit to practice (for depression though) and is now on a forced gap year, and is hoping to return to studying next year, which has really unsettled me because i didn't think that was actually something that happened, that it was just something to bear in mind when you're thinking of going to the doctor about something. which just says to me that i should probably wait a while until i get worse so that i can be sure about whats happening to me before i risk something like that? if that makes any sense? like, i want to be sure i actually deserve and warrant help before going to get it?
    Everyone will have individual circumstances- just because one person was declared not fit to practice doesn't mean you would be as well.
    Also, note 'temporarily'- it's not forever. Just whilst they take the time to get better. It's not a punishment, it's a best interests thing, for the student and for patients.

    The bit in bold is what concerns me. Waiting until things get bad is exactly what they don't want you to do. If you want to stay fit to practice you need to show that you are self-aware, recognising that you need help and getting the necessary help to look after yourself and keep yourself in a fit mindset to be able to continue.
    The doctor can assess you and decide whether you warrant help or not. If they decide actually you're alright then there's not going to be consequences- if nothing is wrong with you they can't make you suspend your studies just because you were concerned!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    tried my best to eat normally today - breakfast, lunch, dinner, some snacks, but just ended up purging and hating myself and crying again

    it seems that i get myself into to situations, either i 1. eat three meals, feel horribly guilty, purge and then cry because the horrible thoughts take over, or 2. restrict, and then cry because i just wish i could've had the strength to eat.

    god, i'm a mess. and yet part of me is determined to wait until i've lost more weight to go and speak to the doctor about it because i'm convinced they'd laugh in my face.




    i just feel like my mindset and mental health must not actually be that bad because i'm not losing weight that quickly



    it's just that i know someone on my course who was declared temporarily not fit to practice (for depression though) and is now on a forced gap year, and is hoping to return to studying next year, which has really unsettled me because i didn't think that was actually something that happened, that it was just something to bear in mind when you're thinking of going to the doctor about something. which just says to me that i should probably wait a while until i get worse so that i can be sure about whats happening to me before i risk something like that? if that makes any sense? like, i want to be sure i actually deserve and warrant help before going to get it?


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I have just started nursing and have passed fitness to practise, even with depression and anorexia. As long as you are physically well, can cope with the demands of the course and are actively engaging with treatment they shouldn't have any reason to stop you.
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    (Original post by Gnome :))
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    I have just started nursing and have passed fitness to practise, even with depression and anorexia. As long as you are physically well, can cope with the demands of the course and are actively engaging with treatment they shouldn't have any reason to stop you.
    Same with me and primary Ed, I'm allowed to go even with an eating disorder and depression thought I wasn't for allowed but by being open and honest with them they let me, so that's the best thing to do I guess!
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Same with me and primary Ed, I'm allowed to go even with an eating disorder and depression thought I wasn't for allowed but by being open and honest with them they let me, so that's the best thing to do I guess!
    i was just about to ask how it all went with uni, im SO pleased for you hun :woo: :proud: youll do so well :yep:
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    Hi guys, I disappeared for quite a while and had some up and down days, but couldn't face coming back on here - it was as if this was my safe little place, people here knew what I was going through, therefore I didn't need to try any other alternative to make things 'better'.

    I'm sad to say I'm still not in a 'good' place, but I am in a 'better' place. I still count calories religiously, I still need to make the 'best' choices, I am still wanting/trying to lose weight etc. etc. However, I am getting better - I am eating more, albeit still a smaller amount that some people; I joined the gym and I am focusing more on weight and strength training to make my metabolism better so I can eat more and not fret over weight gain; when I do exercise I will eat back some of my exercise calories; I've learned that if I want a chocolate bar I will eat it - if it fits my macros etc.

    Sometimes those urges come back to restrict or binge, but I know how much better I feel, even now, and don't want to go down that path again.

    I just want to say thank you to everyone on here for their support and guidance, especially Tommy x
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    i was just about to ask how it all went with uni, im SO pleased for you hun :woo: :proud: youll do so well :yep:
    Thanks I am so unbelievably happy I go on sunday!! :')
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Thanks I am so unbelievably happy I go on sunday!! :')
    you really do deserve it :yep:

    i go sort all my rubbish out tomorrow, gonna be weird going back there, but i guess its for the best! hope your nearly packed
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Same with me and primary Ed, I'm allowed to go even with an eating disorder and depression thought I wasn't for allowed but by being open and honest with them they let me, so that's the best thing to do I guess!
    Yay!!
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    (Original post by Evanscence)
    Do you think it's worth losing weight to make you happy?. Ever since I gained weight I've become a different person and so the only way to be myself (the person who i'm meant to be) is if I get back to the weight I was at. My bmi was 17.8 and that was fine for a young lad, i had loads of meat on me. There was no need for me to be even fatter, in fact i actually looked better then, in terms of muscle tonage and i reckon girls found me sexier too. So anyway, i'm hoping to have a bmi of 17.8 by christmas, my current bmi is 20
    What do you mean by "become a different person"...are you a different person or is your attitude towards yourself different?
    It sounds as though you're definitely in need of some support; a BMI of 17.8 does not sound healthy.
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    Decisions, decisions... Why does this illness skew your mind?

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    Today I had my review meeting with the specialists, and I have to spend a week in a paediatric ward on Monday. If I refuse the food (which I definitely won't) it will be NG feeding.
    My main concern is what will happen afterwards... It's only a week there, so it won't be a magic cure...

    There's the option of IP treatment at the longstay unit but I will have to commit myself to reaching a healthy weight... I don't want to go back there because I remember how hard it was to stay last time.
    I keep on getting these thoughts that I can recover at home. I'll have more freedom, I won't be isolated and I'll be able to eat food that I actually enjoy to gain... I don't know if that's a trap, because I feel safer with that.
    When I discharged myself last time it was because I was scared of getting to a healthy weight, I had to escape... The mealplan there was too difficult - over 3500 calories seemed too much and I didn't feel like I could cope with it anymore.

    I really want to get better. I really want to get to a healthy weight... It's at a critical point now and I do understand that. I can't put my body through this again. I want to be normal...

    I've had this idea of committing myself to a mealplan after being discharged from the paediatric ward. I'm just unsure on numbers. Calories. How many is enough? How much for each meal? How can I put it into practice? Will it work?

    Argh. Sorry if this sounds dramatic and negative. I'm so sick of this illness entrenching me. I want to get better. I want recovery more than anything. It's putting that into practice that's so difficult.


    Please stay strong everyone. Hopefully I'll be able to post in a few months time from a better place.
 
 
 
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