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    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey all,

    Day eight of 'recovery' .. feels such a short space of time yet I feel i've come a long way. I'm hoping people who're in recovery/who've recovered from bulimia might be able to answer a couple of my questions.

    I'm having what feels like really awful side effects. My acid reflux is every five minutes and I feel incredibly sick .. not exactly helping the case! I'm also very bloated. How long until these things will begin to simmer down?

    I haven't gotten out of the bulimic mindset. I'm still terrified of weight gain and have thoughts of purging (without the binge). I'm still finding my feet, very mixed and regularly changing emotions etc. I will go to the doctor eventually, i'm thinking if I can get to week 3 or 4 some of the embarrassment may've subsided. One of the big big things holding me back from seeking professional help is how they will use the information I tell them. Will they tell my university? I volunteer heavily for St John Ambulance; will they tell them? Future employers?

    Thank you, Ella. x
    As far as I'm aware, your GP isnt allowed to do any of that. You get to choose whether you declare this on your UCAS form when you apply/ to tell your university if you're already there. You may find that they'll send you ****tones of stuff re: DSA. The only time your GP would be allowed to tell other people what you've told them is if, for example you told your GP that you were going to kill Toto*, or something where others would come to harm.

    * Toto, ily really.
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    The night-sweats are still there and the voice in my head is in overdrive over the last few days. Every time I sit down I feel bloated and my stomach isn't as concave because I'm actually eating a normal diet. That said, went out for a pizza last night with my family and a couple of friends who have been really supportive recently and it was lovely. I had guilty feelings after I'd finished but I hadn't eaten any more than anyone else at the table and I know my body needs refuelling because of all the stress I've put it through! Just got to take one day - and one meal - at a time.
    • #122
    #122

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Dear Ella,

    I commend you giving your recovery a go. Even after a mere week the chances are you'll be feeling it. A general rule of thumb is, if you're feeling the angst, fear, pain and whatnot - it's working. As I previously mentioned, I suffered some horrific symptoms during the early stages of my recovery and it lasted many weeks (and I will not lie - it gets worse before it gets better). Anorexics and Bulimics suffer slightly differently but the universal effects are often most detrimental to your sleep pattern, digestion, and body odour.

    This sounds repulsive but let me assure you, you'll want to fight through it; only through seeing the hardship will you truly appreciate healing.

    Your side-effects might include migraines, "pulsing" circulation (you feel your blood pumping in your extremities), polarised inner temperature (you alternate between being roasting and freezing) and metabolic shifting (some days you'll be super-energetic, then crash out for an entire day for no reason). You will almost certainly experience either diarrhoea and/or constipation as your body begins to appreciate a normal intake again, and this might result in fissure/haemorrhoids, which sounds extreme but let me assure you - everyone gets these at one point in their lives. EVERYONE. And little ones disappear quickly once your body normalises. The "body odour" thing is one of the weirder ones; it depends on if you've been particularly restrictive with one TYPE of food or drink. Your body forgets how to degrade a certain mineral or substance, and struggles with it for a bit. This results in a very inordinate amount of it being diverted, and thus you might have an odd smell for a week or two - of course this is just a temporary thing.

    So what I'm saying is - I'm laying out all the short-term things you might experience so there are no surprises. Especially within the first week or two you'll feel totally bloated and sick. This isn't abnormal in this circumstance, and is very temporary. I'd rather you knew the truth than a stoic back-pat.

    As for your potential employers; it's your call, but I personally wouldn't hide it. In fact, since I divulged my situation and became overt about it, I've become an ambassador for Eating Disorders and Neurotic Psychotic Abnormalities in Central Scotland, and it has become a great strength. You may find they value your particular journey (providing you follow through and properly recover) as invaluable to pass on to potential patients.
    Dear Toto,

    Thank you for such an honest, kind reply. You've virtually described how i've been feeling the past week. A real big thing is the energy, i'm so exhausted! I'm not sure whether I am physically exhausted or my mental exhaustion is tricking me in to thinking I am! I find myself leaning towards practical and physical activities because I feel i'm achieving immediate and visible outcomes, compared to focusing on my university work which seems like an endless stream of books and knowledge. In terms of my pulse, one thing i've noticed is in between my clavicles I can see my skin pulsing. It's just strange and, obviously, not normal. I've been indirectly complaining to my friend who's a medical student about my side effects; he said this may be a sign of heart damage .. which is pretty scary considering I feel fine. He also said I have pretty swollen salivary glands which yeah, I expected. It's just altogether quite a bizarre feeling.

    Unfortunately I lapsed last night. There were several big fights where i'm staying; guys bottling each other, girls being shoved out of the way etc. I got caught up in it and just totally freaked. I spent several years in a household of domestic violence and I guess it triggered off those memories. I felt so ashamed. However, I feel better today. I'm not back at square one, i'd come to a stand still that can be moved on from. How did you cope when you relapsed?
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    Relapses are typical and sufferers who are *legitimately* trying to recover (that is, you have zero hidden agenda such as pretence or the intention to re-harm at a later date) - you can expect at least one major relapse. This is normal.

    I have mentioned it many times on here - mental illness is cured in a very careful and specific way. The unfortunate thing is it must be done slowly and patiently. With some physical illnesses, it's a growth. A tumour. A cancer of the body that can be eliminated by scooping it from within you and destroying it. Not so with a mental illness; it's more like a forest that gets exponentially darker and more dense. The further you traverse into it, the darker and more lost you will be. The only option is to laboriously backpedal, to take the same reverse route back out as you did to get in. By this logic, it should take as long to get better as it did to get ill.

    The longer you've spent breaking your mind and gathering improper mindset, the longer you will be to chip away and break them down again. This is just because you have to address each thing at a time to avoid overwhelming yourself. If you try to quit cold-turkey, you will definitely relapse instantly, and/or cause your body physical trauma (I know a girl who tried to beat anorexia by having a full-day binge, and ended up in the hospital). You cannot sprint back out, you must simply retrace the steps day by day out of that dark, dank forest into the light again. The metaphor is strong because as you reach the light, there are still many problems, many trees - but at least you see the light shining through them.

    If you relapse, think of it as another step back into the forest. If you have two directions, each day is merely one step. You can only go one of two ways, but you can only step one pace at a time. Remember.

    So when you have a momentary relapse, even a full day of regret, woe or anguish, remember that you have merely taken a single pace in the incorrect direction. In the grand scheme of your life, one pace seems inconsequential, and that's because.... well, it is! You will never remember October 13th, 2013 when you are 40, 50, 80 even; you will never remember that backstep as a pivotal moment in your journey.

    But I assure you, you will remember the day you are clear of that forest altogether, and it will be incredible.
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    From the last posts it's reassuring to know that others go through the relapse thing often and important to pick myself back up. I hate my MA course at the moment, haven't made any friends and am extremely lonely. I tried to stay on track with eating but as soon as I'm upset I go to the disorder like this "security" blanket even though it does nothing but cause harm. Time to find some other ways of coping, keep my head above water and start again tomorrow without punishing myself for slipping. A week of relapse doesn't have to turn into a fortnight, a month, a year...recovery MUST continue and I hope everybody else is getting on well with their recovery journeys too! Again, thank you all for being such a supportive network to go to when I need a kick to pull myself back together and keep going xx
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    From the last posts it's reassuring to know that others go through the relapse thing often and important to pick myself back up. I hate my MA course at the moment, haven't made any friends and am extremely lonely. I tried to stay on track with eating but as soon as I'm upset I go to the disorder like this "security" blanket even though it does nothing but cause harm. Time to find some other ways of coping, keep my head above water and start again tomorrow without punishing myself for slipping. A week of relapse doesn't have to turn into a fortnight, a month, a year...recovery MUST continue and I hope everybody else is getting on well with their recovery journeys too! Again, thank you all for being such a supportive network to go to when I need a kick to pull myself back together and keep going xx
    Sweetheart, remember I am a veteran! I am a 29-year old man who did his MA five years ago and is now part of a multi-billion quid games studio! Nothing you can say will scare or shock me.

    Recovery is not glamorous. But then again, neither is dieting and the illusion of losing weight. I think that's most important to remember. People seem to think that a person is ideal at a specific weight or frame, but in reality, that's so superfluous.

    Imagine it; there's the guy of your dreams. He stands there, proud and confident. He is taller than you, intelligent; he knows what you love and loves it too. Every day with him will be a journey through the things you adore.... together!! But OUCH. He has a bit of a tummy. Not much, but... it's there. It's like, about 4 cm over normal. OUCH. Can he see that? That tummy? I mean, did he measure it? Did he know that tummy was there? Maybe I should tell him how crazy he is to let this slide. That can't be normal right? I mean, sure, he's watching this programme we both like but... he's not what some magazine said was ideal for his height at weight! What about tomorrow? Will he see it when he steps on the scales? Hopefully he does because if he doesn't, he won't know. And I mean, if he can't, then....



    Do you see how ridiculous this sounds? Now, mirror it, and reflect it onto yourself. Is a man thinking any of this? No. If he is, then he is a moron, a psychotic, or a neurotic. Only the latter option can change, and number three can only change for the better. But that said, it's not always about you, and the perception of you - sometimes, it's about what an unknown force EXPECTS of you. But you know what? That unknown force is your own latent judgement! Mental eh?


    We are all peers here. We all trying to be something that makes no sense. We are all already the perfect representations of who we are! If someone loves us, it's because we are US. Nobody would change us, right? Then why are we so desperate to alter the things people love about us? Are we desperate to improve, or rather, do we think the improvements will make us more loved? Perhaps those changes will make us less loved? Who knows, right?

    You are the person you are. You are not Arnold Schwarzenegger. You are not Justin Bieber. Your are not Lady Gaga. You are not Glenn Close. Nobody in any media faculty are YOU. This means whoever loves you has never judged you by any standard other than your own existence; make that existence matter for the uniqueness that it is!

    You are all here for a reason, you wish to heal. So deep down, dig into your heart and soul, and garner the ability to heal. I will be with you all the way.
    • #122
    #122

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Relapses are typical and sufferers who are *legitimately* trying to recover (that is, you have zero hidden agenda such as pretence or the intention to re-harm at a later date) - you can expect at least one major relapse. This is normal.

    I have mentioned it many times on here - mental illness is cured in a very careful and specific way. The unfortunate thing is it must be done slowly and patiently. With some physical illnesses, it's a growth. A tumour. A cancer of the body that can be eliminated by scooping it from within you and destroying it. Not so with a mental illness; it's more like a forest that gets exponentially darker and more dense. The further you traverse into it, the darker and more lost you will be. The only option is to laboriously backpedal, to take the same reverse route back out as you did to get in. By this logic, it should take as long to get better as it did to get ill.

    The longer you've spent breaking your mind and gathering improper mindset, the longer you will be to chip away and break them down again. This is just because you have to address each thing at a time to avoid overwhelming yourself. If you try to quit cold-turkey, you will definitely relapse instantly, and/or cause your body physical trauma (I know a girl who tried to beat anorexia by having a full-day binge, and ended up in the hospital). You cannot sprint back out, you must simply retrace the steps day by day out of that dark, dank forest into the light again. The metaphor is strong because as you reach the light, there are still many problems, many trees - but at least you see the light shining through them.

    If you relapse, think of it as another step back into the forest. If you have two directions, each day is merely one step. You can only go one of two ways, but you can only step one pace at a time. Remember.

    So when you have a momentary relapse, even a full day of regret, woe or anguish, remember that you have merely taken a single pace in the incorrect direction. In the grand scheme of your life, one pace seems inconsequential, and that's because.... well, it is! You will never remember October 13th, 2013 when you are 40, 50, 80 even; you will never remember that backstep as a pivotal moment in your journey.

    But I assure you, you will remember the day you are clear of that forest altogether, and it will be incredible.
    Whenever i'm feeling uncertain or confused, I read the posts you've left to myself and others on this thread and i'm pulled straight back in to reality and back on track. Toto, I don't think you'll ever realise exactly how many people you've strengthened and how many invisible hands you've held to recovery.

    Good day today! I told my best friend. Although she was shocked she was so supportive. Asked questions and allowed me to talk. I also found the confidence to play my guitar with my flat mates; they told me I was really good and should consider doing some recordings/open mic type things. One step at a time.. nonetheless!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I also found the confidence to play my guitar with my flat mates; they told me I was really good and should consider doing some recordings/open mic type things. One step at a time.. nonetheless!
    That's amazing! Well done. I work as a freelance music journalist in my spare time, if you ever recorded anything I'd love to have a listen and give you a good write-up!

    I also told my two best friends last week. They were incredibly supportive. It's amazing how much people can stick by you. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around over the last nine months and I've gradually found myself retreating further away from friends. Not anymore though. I'm intent on recovering and getting back to the person they loved. It goes back to what Toto was saying - why are we so desperate to change the qualities which make us so unique, loved and revered?
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    I'm not desperate to change my body. I would like to be more muscular or 'good looking' or whatever, but the fact that she's more confident around other people is the genuinely threat. The fear that she'll grow out of me and leave is real.

    It's a real fear. You all say she loves me for me-but the day may come when she no longer loves me for me, because she feels she's gone beyond me. She has become a 'better' human being, so to speak, and now carries on her march of progress and success leaving me behind

    My dad says you could easily do the same (cheat on her, make her jealous even if that's what she's trying to do), but the idea's inconceivable to me. I've never felt of her as inferior.

    I don't know what to do. She is growing s a person, and I'm not (well I'm told I am but I don't feel it). It's only a matter of time before she grows out of us :/

    and this is why I can never rest. The competition never ends.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I'm not desperate to change my body. I would like to be more muscular or 'good looking' or whatever, but the fact that she's more confident around other people is the genuinely threat. The fear that she'll grow out of me and leave is real.

    It's a real fear. You all say she loves me for me-but the day may come when she no longer loves me for me, because she feels she's gone beyond me. She has become a 'better' human being, so to speak, and now carries on her march of progress and success leaving me behind

    My dad says you could easily do the same (cheat on her, make her jealous even if that's what she's trying to do), but the idea's inconceivable to me. I've never felt of her as inferior.

    I don't know what to do. She is growing s a person, and I'm not (well I'm told I am but I don't feel it). It's only a matter of time before she grows out of us :/

    and this is why I can never rest. The competition never ends.
    Listen, and I'm going to say this only one more time, Riku; you are lying to yourself. If you were not, you would have made even a step of progress thus far, but you're so truly hellbent on life- destruction and self-deprecating that this is my last message I can offer saying the exact same thing.

    You MUST see your psychiatric therapist. I continue to implore you to do so, but you keep stating the same patterns of self-doubt and deprecation in varying aspects of your life.

    I sound harsh and I rarely do this, but look at the progress everyone on here is making/has made in the three years of the thread; now consider that you are just as negatively erratic as your initial post; is this not a red flag that you are.just TELLING yourself you're trying to stifle your mental disorder?

    How often do you see your psychological therapist?
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    Actually made myself physically sick with panic over how my fiction piece for my first MA assignment would be torn to shreds in the critical feedback session...yet somehow had entirely positive feedback. Relieved, restoring faith in my writing and today is indeed a day for getting back on the road to recovery after a week of relapse. It's really helps to feel valued for something that has nothing to do with weight.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Listen, and I'm going to say this only one more time, Riku; you are lying to yourself. If you were not, you would have made even a step of progress thus far, but you're so truly hellbent on life- destruction and self-deprecating that this is my last message I can offer saying the exact same thing.

    You MUST see your psychiatric therapist. I continue to implore you to do so, but you keep stating the same patterns of self-doubt and deprecation in varying aspects of your life.

    I sound harsh and I rarely do this, but look at the progress everyone on here is making/has made in the three years of the thread; now consider that you are just as negatively erratic as your initial post; is this not a red flag that you are.just TELLING yourself you're trying to stifle your mental disorder?

    How often do you see your psychological therapist?
    In fairness I only come here on the lows most days. The less I'm on a computer the better
    I feel I am making slow progress-I'm still on my degree, I have a girlfriend albeit I'm suddenly convinced she's going to dump me soon because of something, I have a part-time job, I'm seeing friends quite regularly, I'm healthy in the physical sense and haven't engaged in any real food/exercise behaviours for a while
    Of course I'm not particularly well in the mental sense but I'm starting to see clarity

    What am I lying to myself about? I don't even know why I think she's inevitably going to move on exactly. I assume I've lost some faith in relationships since my parents got divorced which means I always suspect the end is nigh, look for the clues that it's approaching in the past and can rarely enjoy the moment. It's just an...air of inevitability. Not nice, completely disempowering, feel like it could be changed but don't know how, and I might not find out before the inevitable happens

    I'll be seeing her next week. My dad also took on a quasi-therapist role the last few days. Possibly a damaging dynamic to the relationship but he understands me better than most people, sometimes even myself
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Actually made myself physically sick with panic over how my fiction piece for my first MA assignment would be torn to shreds in the critical feedback session...yet somehow had entirely positive feedback. Relieved, restoring faith in my writing and today is indeed a day for getting back on the road to recovery after a week of relapse. It's really helps to feel valued for something that has nothing to do with weight.
    There was never any doubt it'd have great feedback
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    In fairness I only come here on the lows most days. The less I'm on a computer the better
    I feel I am making slow progress-I'm still on my degree, I have a girlfriend albeit I'm suddenly convinced she's going to dump me soon because of something, I have a part-time job, I'm seeing friends quite regularly, I'm healthy in the physical sense and haven't engaged in any real food/exercise behaviours for a while
    Of course I'm not particularly well in the mental sense but I'm starting to see clarity

    What am I lying to myself about? I don't even know why I think she's inevitably going to move on exactly. I assume I've lost some faith in relationships since my parents got divorced which means I always suspect the end is nigh, look for the clues that it's approaching in the past and can rarely enjoy the moment. It's just an...air of inevitability. Not nice, completely disempowering, feel like it could be changed but don't know how, and I might not find out before the inevitable happens

    I'll be seeing her next week. My dad also took on a quasi-therapist role the last few days. Possibly a damaging dynamic to the relationship but he understands me better than most people, sometimes even myself
    Don't misread me; I've not just said I'm not willing to contribute to your recovery by any means. What I'm saying is that you seem to revert to an almost completely cynical, hopeless mindset on your "bad days" that aren't just about one particular aspect.

    For example, if a person has a particularly draining day, the focus of negativity is either the direct cause (ie, damn car won't start, I hate cars) or a latent issue that only presents itself after your positivity has drained (such as during an argument where an old issue gets raised again that has been simmering for a while, or just being drained for the day and feeling down on yourself). In your instance, it's like a domino effect of negativity - it's your girlfriend, alcohol, eating, training, your parents, you seem to just instantly go into the red in every category one after the other.

    You know that this domino effect is a sign of psychotic depression, dude? It's a type of depression that bipolar disorder sufferers get; an erratic almost instantaneous universal negativity that almost cripples the person with it.

    Even if you believe you're moving forward, I think what I'm meaning is whilst the "bad days" get easier whilst you recover, your bad days seem to remain as bad as ever, which means you're not really making the progress you need to make. I think your issues run deeper than you've explored my friend.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Don't misread me; I've not just said I'm not willing to contribute to your recovery by any means. What I'm saying is that you seem to revert to an almost completely cynical, hopeless mindset on your "bad days" that aren't just about one particular aspect.

    For example, if a person has a particularly draining day, the focus of negativity is either the direct cause (ie, damn car won't start, I hate cars) or a latent issue that only presents itself after your positivity has drained (such as during an argument where an old issue gets raised again that has been simmering for a while, or just being drained for the day and feeling down on yourself). In your instance, it's like a domino effect of negativity - it's your girlfriend, alcohol, eating, training, your parents, you seem to just instantly go into the red in every category one after the other.

    You know that this domino effect is a sign of psychotic depression, dude? It's a type of depression that bipolar disorder sufferers get; an erratic almost instantaneous universal negativity that almost cripples the person with it.

    Even if you believe you're moving forward, I think what I'm meaning is whilst the "bad days" get easier whilst you recover, your bad days seem to remain as bad as ever, which means you're not really making the progress you need to make. I think your issues run deeper than you've explored my friend.
    Tanks for the suggestion. I did for a time worry whether I had bipolar (I'm fairly sure when I first started Fluoxetine it sent me into a manic episode, I remember thinking I was a superhero and could jump on to the train tracks without being electrified...I really shouldn't have been let out of the house)

    I might need to discuss this with someone then

    My fear of abandonment, I guess: Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, or loved but let go from fear?
    People say the answer is yes but I don't yet know.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, or loved but let go from fear?
    People say the answer is yes but I don't yet know.
    Sorry to butt in. But felt compelled to say something here (hope that is okay) as I have been contemplating similar questions over the last few months. I hope the following is of help

    Questions I've asked myself:
    Is it helpful to use emotions as a principal factor in the decision making process?
    Should fear carry more weight than a considered approach that evaluates the potential strengths and weaknesses of any given life-choice?
    Does the fact I feel so isolated, lonely and unhappy provide any evidence to indicate that using the 'fear method' to end relationships successfully promotes a healthy psychological and emotional state?
    Or does the evidence suggest the exact opposite?
    In comparison to fear, could factors such as whether we get on, trust each other, have a laugh together, share common interests, values and morals be more effective in making these types of decisions?
    • #122
    #122

    (Original post by Mackay)
    That's amazing! Well done. I work as a freelance music journalist in my spare time, if you ever recorded anything I'd love to have a listen and give you a good write-up!

    I also told my two best friends last week. They were incredibly supportive. It's amazing how much people can stick by you. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around over the last nine months and I've gradually found myself retreating further away from friends. Not anymore though. I'm intent on recovering and getting back to the person they loved. It goes back to what Toto was saying - why are we so desperate to change the qualities which make us so unique, loved and revered?
    Ha, thank you perhaps someday! I love my music. I don't think i'm any good but it's the one thing I don't care that i'm not .. it's such a de-stress and makes me so content.

    I'm really glad you're friends have been so supportive. I've never wanted to place my problems on somebody else but it doesn't feel like a problem now. And like you say, back to what Toto said; very true!

    On (another!) personal note i've had a really good couple of days. Physical affects aside i've been feeling really upbeat. I dyed my hair yesterday and i've had so many compliments which have really made such a difference and boosted my confidence. Definitely set on recovery. :rolleyes:
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    Finding that maybe it was wrong to start a Masters degree before getting fully better - things are going back to how they were more every day and it's too much to try and fight them and to get anything out of the work i'm putting into my degree at the same time.

    Anyone had experience with Interrupting Study? Do EDs count as a valid reason to take a gap? Because the other option is to leave the university and I don't want to be seen to be a dropout
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    Moon burp, I took a gap in the middle of my course due to my ED and it was the best decision I could have made. It was hard but I had time to work on myself and now I am back I know I will do so much better than I would last year. It was very easy to do as well. X


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    (Original post by los lobos marinos)
    Sorry to butt in. But felt compelled to say something here (hope that is okay) as I have been contemplating similar questions over the last few months. I hope the following is of help

    Questions I've asked myself:
    Is it helpful to use emotions as a principal factor in the decision making process?
    Should fear carry more weight than a considered approach that evaluates the potential strengths and weaknesses of any given life-choice?
    Does the fact I feel so isolated, lonely and unhappy provide any evidence to indicate that using the 'fear method' to end relationships successfully promotes a healthy psychological and emotional state?
    Or does the evidence suggest the exact opposite?
    In comparison to fear, could factors such as whether we get on, trust each other, have a laugh together, share common interests, values and morals be more effective in making these types of decisions?
    Most certainly
    but as is evidenced by my eternal 'worry I'm not allowed to go to the gym', I don't trust myself at heart anymore. Which I feel is where ths fear of abandonment stems from (besides the fact Dad got thrown out of the house and hurtled into a crippling depression for a year that I had to help him get out of that is)

    I really want to try and trust more, and live in the moment
 
 
 
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