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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello all, some very eye opening stories have come about these past few days and I can only commend those who constantly share their thoughts and feelings on this thread - you're all wonderful individuals. I'm the anon from a month or so ago who was fretting about starting uni and relapsing and well it's...getting ugly again. Spoilering for rambling...
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    I had a lapse a few weeks ago that lasted a few days but then I got back on track but these past couple of days have been very difficult. I've restricted to the lowest amount I have ever done. Luckily today I've eaten a normal amount, due to being home for a long weekend, but I have no idea about tomorrow or when I go back to uni. Already I feel fatigued, getting horrible headaches and generally feeling rubbish. I just feel conflicted a lot of the time and I was feeling fine about my weight and the way I looked for a long time, haven't weighed myself and I even had a couple of weeks without calorie counting but then it just falls apart over and over again.
    I think I need to reach out to someone, a friend or a GP but I can't help but feel I'm making it more of a problem than it is? I know it's a common thought of 'I'm not good enough to have an eating disorder, I'm not skinny enough' but I'm worried no one would take me seriously. I have the eating disorder thought processes but not always the behaviours, I always seem to swing back and forth between recovery and relapse. It's like I get two weeks of normal eating followed by a week or restriction and then I think 'oh, stop being stupid and eat' and then I eat well for a couple of weeks and then the moment I feel normal and beginning to get better my brain just freaks out and needs to 'prove' I have eating issues.
    Gah, sorry for the rambling mess. I'm just feeling extra anxious because I've eaten a normal amount and have, therefore, 'broken' the three days of minimal eating...

    *hugs* Please don't trivialize this. It is clearly affecting your thoughts and your life and yes, you need to seek help. Tell a friend.
    Getting it out there is the first step; eating disorders are rooted in secrecy and by getting it out there you're already making a positive move. Once it's out there and once people know, sometimes that can be the kick in the right direction to do something about it.
    My motivation is seeing my grandparents worry and I feel so much better if I can eat normally in front of them because just knowing someone cares about you makes you step out of your negative thoughts and see yourself as a valued and loved person who needs to be cared for, not abused in this way. It would kill me if I saw someone I love treat their body the way I've treated mine.
    Take a deep breath and tell someone you trust.
    If you feel any temptation to restrict, please come to this forum where you'll feel reassured and listened to before you head back down a slippery slope.
    Good luck and keep up updated!
    • #204
    #204

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I had a lapse a few weeks ago that lasted a few days but then I got back on track but these past couple of days have been very difficult. I've restricted to the lowest amount I have ever done. Luckily today I've eaten a normal amount, due to being home for a long weekend, but I have no idea about tomorrow or when I go back to uni. Already I feel fatigued, getting horrible headaches and generally feeling rubbish. I just feel conflicted a lot of the time and I was feeling fine about my weight and the way I looked for a long time, haven't weighed myself and I even had a couple of weeks without calorie counting but then it just falls apart over and over again.
    I think I need to reach out to someone, a friend or a GP but I can't help but feel I'm making it more of a problem than it is? I know it's a common thought of 'I'm not good enough to have an eating disorder, I'm not skinny enough' but I'm worried no one would take me seriously. I have the eating disorder thought processes but not always the behaviours, I always seem to swing back and forth between recovery and relapse. It's like I get two weeks of normal eating followed by a week or restriction and then I think 'oh, stop being stupid and eat' and then I eat well for a couple of weeks and then the moment I feel normal and beginning to get better my brain just freaks out and needs to 'prove' I have eating issues.
    Gah, sorry for the rambling mess. I'm just feeling extra anxious because I've eaten a normal amount and have, therefore, 'broken' the three days of minimal eating...

    I read this, and it was like reading my own thoughts. Like you, I eat better at home but being at uni makes me want to restrict and so I frequently do. And then I have the same thing about having a moment of 'Oh this is silly. Let's just eat properly', do it for a few days and then freak out.
    Everything you say just makes so much sense to me- especially the 'proving' I have eating issues. This feels so stupid, but it's real. I sort of feel like I can't ask for help if I keep seeming to 'recover' by myself when I feel good. I'm seeing my GP and a counsellor about depression and general issues with my life, and I'm slowly mentioning my eating as a concern.
    It's just hard- on the one hand I want someone to acknowledge I have something wrong and help me sort it out. On the other hand, I know I don't really want to have a problem, I don't want to put family through the stress of me having an eating disorder. I'm so stuck in a difficult place
    • #200
    #200

    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    *hugs* Please don't trivialize this. It is clearly affecting your thoughts and your life and yes, you need to seek help. Tell a friend.
    Getting it out there is the first step; eating disorders are rooted in secrecy and by getting it out there you're already making a positive move. Once it's out there and once people know, sometimes that can be the kick in the right direction to do something about it.
    My motivation is seeing my grandparents worry and I feel so much better if I can eat normally in front of them because just knowing someone cares about you makes you step out of your negative thoughts and see yourself as a valued and loved person who needs to be cared for, not abused in this way. It would kill me if I saw someone I love treat their body the way I've treated mine.
    Take a deep breath and tell someone you trust.
    If you feel any temptation to restrict, please come to this forum where you'll feel reassured and listened to before you head back down a slippery slope.
    Good luck and keep up updated!
    thank you <3 I'm really trying to build myself up to go to the GP, tell one of my friends or go to the uni nursing centre. Whenever my friends get worried about their bodies or start thinking of dieting I'm always so keen to make them not feel that way and try and stop them from going in a possibly disordered route which makes it even more ridiculously that I can't apply this to myself. Thank you again, I spend a lot of the time stalking this thread but barely posting on it...I feel bad because I don't want to spread my negative/rambly thoughts in to a place where a lot of people are searching for positivity and such...

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I read this, and it was like reading my own thoughts. Like you, I eat better at home but being at uni makes me want to restrict and so I frequently do. And then I have the same thing about having a moment of 'Oh this is silly. Let's just eat properly', do it for a few days and then freak out.
    Everything you say just makes so much sense to me- especially the 'proving' I have eating issues. This feels so stupid, but it's real. I sort of feel like I can't ask for help if I keep seeming to 'recover' by myself when I feel good. I'm seeing my GP and a counsellor about depression and general issues with my life, and I'm slowly mentioning my eating as a concern.
    It's just hard- on the one hand I want someone to acknowledge I have something wrong and help me sort it out. On the other hand, I know I don't really want to have a problem, I don't want to put family through the stress of me having an eating disorder. I'm so stuck in a difficult place
    ...oh hun, your thoughts are my thoughts, especially the whole not being able to ask for help because I can recover my self (for a few weeks at least ) I so want someone else to acknowledge my problems, if only to validate it to myself that this is a problem and that my concerns and issues are real and not some form of attention seeking (which is stupid because how is it attention seeking if no one knows?!). I really don't want to put my family through this either. I'm already the mediator of the family and I don't want my problems to affect them. I'm just...not good at asking for help, and haven't been for quite a few years. If I can, I try to sort it out myself which has worked in some areas like school but...these problems aren't going away by sheer will. I remember a quote from some random youtube video that's along the lines of 'there are life jackets all around you, just grab one' and this is something I need to remember and enforce. I hope you reach out to someone anon, we both can't keep on in this self destructive cycle :erm:
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    Had an amazing half-anniversary date with my wonderful lady last night
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    Riku, you got some major kudos from me, but I ask you, do not live for that moment. That moment should be the standard to which you judge ALL of your days.

    One thing I want to put forth to you guys. Have you ever looked at what you write and thought it was at all inane, weird or abnormal? The sheer notion that having a "normal day" is a weird thing in itself?

    People just have "days". Some people have hard days or easy days, or bad days and good days... but "normal days"? Sometimes I think to myself, "back in the bad days, did I ever consider it strange to have a "normie day"?

    The fact you can TELL you're having normal days shows you KNOW you're doing the wrong thing, you're purposely killing yourself, yet you STILL "make a break time". It's weird. This implies that you actively seek to harm, yet sometimes need a break from doing so. So it's conscious- at least on SOME level...
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    Scrap what I said before I am far from recovered. I'm sorry


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    Just a bad day though.


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    Sorry I've been absent for a while guys. I'm loving uni for the right reasons and some very wrong reasons. My ED has escalated so quickly, and it wasn't great before I came :/ I don't want to ruin the positivity on here and I feel like a let down so I haven't been able to bring myself to write this before now.. don't really know when I'll next feel able to either. Just sorry
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Sorry I've been absent for a while guys. I'm loving uni for the right reasons and some very wrong reasons. My ED has escalated so quickly, and it wasn't great before I came :/ I don't want to ruin the positivity on here and I feel like a let down so I haven't been able to bring myself to write this before now.. don't really know when I'll next feel able to either. Just sorry
    -hugging- Have you tried having a nosey on your uni website to see if they offer counselling/ have an ED support group?
    • #59
    #59

    http://www.youreatopia.com/

    This is a really positive and helpful site to help with the recovery journey! x
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    That was me btw
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    Sorry I've been absent for a while guys. I'm loving uni for the right reasons and some very wrong reasons. My ED has escalated so quickly, and it wasn't great before I came :/ I don't want to ruin the positivity on here and I feel like a let down so I haven't been able to bring myself to write this before now.. don't really know when I'll next feel able to either. Just sorry
    Wanna talk? I know uni can be hard with an ED and depression. Kind of an expert in it :\
    • #200
    #200

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, you got some major kudos from me, but I ask you, do not live for that moment. That moment should be the standard to which you judge ALL of your days.

    One thing I want to put forth to you guys. Have you ever looked at what you write and thought it was at all inane, weird or abnormal? The sheer notion that having a "normal day" is a weird thing in itself?

    People just have "days". Some people have hard days or easy days, or bad days and good days... but "normal days"? Sometimes I think to myself, "back in the bad days, did I ever consider it strange to have a "normie day"?

    The fact you can TELL you're having normal days shows you KNOW you're doing the wrong thing, you're purposely killing yourself, yet you STILL "make a break time". It's weird. This implies that you actively seek to harm, yet sometimes need a break from doing so. So it's conscious- at least on SOME level...
    This...this really struck with me. I think, with me at least, I just lump normal and good together meaning that when I have a good day it's a normal day which perhaps isn't the best way to view things. It means if my day is anything less than good then it's not normal which means it's an absolute failure and...blah, not good. It's very much conscious which, I won't lie, makes me feel like an idiot and a horrible human being but this whole woe is me attitude isn't going to help... at times like this I wish I was a bit more eloquent since I seem to just ramble constantly I feel like I'm stuck and I can either move forward or move backwards but both seem inexplicably hard so I'm just stuck. If I edge forward than I'll end up edging backwards. Sorry if I'm not making any sense, quite foggy-headed at the moment :pinch: I don't really feel as though I'm adding anything to the conversation, just rambling to myself once again...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    -hugging- Have you tried having a nosey on your uni website to see if they offer counselling/ have an ED support group?
    They do have counselling and everything but the point is I wanted to escape from that... but I have to go to the doctors now, I don't have a choice anymore.. I don't know what I want. It scares me so much how quickly I'm losing control but at the same time, part of me loves it? I know that's the sick part but the sick part is winning. I'm not even sure if I want help anymore, but I must do right or why would I be here. I'm just so scared
    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Wanna talk? I know uni can be hard with an ED and depression. Kind of an expert in it :\
    And thanks, might take you up on that offer sometime when I feel more up to it!
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    Hmm, really don't like it when my girlfriend talks about her guy friend.

    I wouldn't mind, she has every right to have friends but he comes up a lot, and also his nickname is Superman, because apparently his glasses make him look a bit like |Clark Kent. I mean, Superman? Come on! Doesn't do much for my ego.
    In fact we went from what felt like a mundane conversation t me just mentioning the word 'Superman' and showing a pic(of my friend's 21st birthday present since he's quite the DC geek) for her to start in hysterics. And of course she brought up this Superman friend then. She also sent a lot of kisses at the end of the text (like 8 as opposed to the 3 or 4 before)

    Personally I feel this guy turns her on and, had he not had a girlfriend already, she would be considering a future with him. It was talking about him which excited her, not talking to me.
    This guy poses the single biggest threat to my relationship because I always get a pang of jealousy when she talks about him so fondly. I'm sure he's a decent bloke but it seems that she really likes him. Sometimes I think she's deliberately trying to make me jealous, but I'm doing my best and I don't like all these head games :/
    We've talked about it and he is 'just a friend' but is that only because he's taken>? She talks about him so much more than any other guy friend, and nearly equal with me.

    Basically I feel I'm competing with him for her affection
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    Community Assistant
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    http://www.youreatopia.com/

    This is a really positive and helpful site to help with the recovery journey! x
    Discovered this a few weeks ago at the start of my refeeding process and it helped alleviate my irrational fears A LOT! Really helpful tool.
    • #122
    #122

    Food and flatmate rant.

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    Recovery all going really well. 17 days with only the one b/p. I'm so proud although not always feeling amazing and pushing people away still, I know it'll pass because i'm doing good. I've started to eat in front of flat mates and really enjoy cooking. Cooking tonight, just about to dish up a carbonara dish i'd made (lots of to last for days) when the handle on my saucepan breaks and it spills everywhere. Of course their initial reaction was to laugh. I probably would've done the same. But for six years i've refused food and intentionally gotten rid of it, so to enjoy food and want to eat it and for it to be wasted everywhere. I'm shaking I was so annoyed. They understand so little.I feel so embarrassed that something so trivial was such a big deal and the fact that i'm sitting here like a little kid refusing to go and make food now because "what's the point?" It's only food, I myself don't understand what the big deal is.. still happens to be though.
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Food and flatmate rant.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Recovery all going really well. 17 days with only the one b/p. I'm so proud although not always feeling amazing and pushing people away still, I know it'll pass because i'm doing good. I've started to eat in front of flat mates and really enjoy cooking. Cooking tonight, just about to dish up a carbonara dish i'd made (lots of to last for days) when the handle on my saucepan breaks and it spills everywhere. Of course their initial reaction was to laugh. I probably would've done the same. But for six years i've refused food and intentionally gotten rid of it, so to enjoy food and want to eat it and for it to be wasted everywhere. I'm shaking I was so annoyed. They understand so little.I feel so embarrassed that something so trivial was such a big deal and the fact that i'm sitting here like a little kid refusing to go and make food now because "what's the point?" It's only food, I myself don't understand what the big deal is.. still happens to be though.

    -hugging- Went to the gym on Sun. Goes in, goes upstairs, sees a lass on the x trainer who really, really, really, shouldnt have been there. She looked so unwell. At the time, thought it hadn't affected me.
    [/spoiler]Gets to teatime and i'm like, I'm eating tonnes today :/ Actually tots up the calories, and i'd barely eaten half my BMR. I've pretty much done the same today. And have absolutely no desire to eat more, despite having done an hour of yoga... [/spoiler]
    • Thread Starter
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    When we don't live normally, we don't understand what "normal" is. And then we make up our own "normal."

    We are the people that watch shock programmes and shrug, whilst others shriek in disbelief. Why is this? This is because we've realised we can live with true horrors whilst others cannot.

    We've come to accept a life that is so bizarre and obtuse that "normal" is just a luxury to us, now!

    Riku, to you specifically, I find myself responding to more frequently than others. Jealousy is the killer of relationships regardless of mental disability or issue. I know this through experience.

    My fiance was eight years my senior. If I was a lesser man this would rip me to shreds, yet I did not. It turned out she was suffering a cervical disease and she was becoming less and less interested in me because she wanted me to know I would never bear her children. She made it more and more aware that this issue was ruining her, and it should ruin me too. I fought for her to understand that I wanted her, not children, and even infertile, she was perfect as a woman in my eyes, and yet she did not accept.

    She fought me every step of the way, and finally defied me to the point of solace, splitting from me because she felt inadequate as a human being. Imagine me in the role of your missus here. Striving, BATTLING for you. And yet you are a petulant, furious defiant, who refuses to accept me. All I want is to be with you, yet your own secret, deluded agenda means I can't get closer to you. The more I try to ask for support, the more your silly fears break the more important elements to dust. The more you force yourself to focus on the daft and inconsequential, the less time you are focusing on what's important.

    I am 29. I lost a woman who was desperate to love, yet felt her love was unwarranted without a future filled with children. She was in her late thirties. Do you understand how your own fears and phobias seem so daft in comparison to something truly relationship-destroying? Your description of "Clark Kent" is not HER problem. She's got a friend who looks like someone. This is all she knows, but you're reading that as "She says he looks like Clark Kent meaning he's hot and I want him, because anyone talking about Clark Kent fancies the pants off him". It's like you're purposely, consciously missing about three logical steps in your head to feed your anxiety. If you're not willing to accept she has pals, and that those pals are of a different gender to her, then perhaps a relationship is not quite something you're ready for at at all. If you are willing to accept that this girl is accommodating you at every avenue with great effort, then you should also be willing to acknowledge she is a woman, a PERSON, not a belonging. She's allowed to have friends, pals, buddies, aquaintances. If she is not, then break it off. You are not mature enough for ANY relationship yet. If you simply cannot find mental peace when you are with her, then focus on healing your subpsychotic anxiety on your own first, before bringing her or any other woman into the equation.

    A lady is a person, not a thing. A person with feelings that may or may not match your own, but may echo your hopes. When a lady speaks it should echo your future. If it does, you should tread in the steps of her voice. If not, you may ask her to follow, but you cannot drag her there.
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    hi,
    thank you
 
 
 
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