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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Riku)
    Hmm, really don't like it when my girlfriend talks about her guy friend.

    I wouldn't mind, she has every right to have friends but he comes up a lot, and also his nickname is Superman, because apparently his glasses make him look a bit like |Clark Kent. I mean, Superman? Come on! Doesn't do much for my ego.
    In fact we went from what felt like a mundane conversation t me just mentioning the word 'Superman' and showing a pic(of my friend's 21st birthday present since he's quite the DC geek) for her to start in hysterics. And of course she brought up this Superman friend then. She also sent a lot of kisses at the end of the text (like 8 as opposed to the 3 or 4 before)

    Personally I feel this guy turns her on and, had he not had a girlfriend already, she would be considering a future with him. It was talking about him which excited her, not talking to me.
    This guy poses the single biggest threat to my relationship because I always get a pang of jealousy when she talks about him so fondly. I'm sure he's a decent bloke but it seems that she really likes him. Sometimes I think she's deliberately trying to make me jealous, but I'm doing my best and I don't like all these head games :/
    We've talked about it and he is 'just a friend' but is that only because he's taken>? She talks about him so much more than any other guy friend, and nearly equal with me.

    Basically I feel I'm competing with him for her affection
    Riku, you know it's just your insecurities surfacing, right? Guys and girls can be best of friends without anything happening. I speak from experience.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Riku, you know it's just your insecurities surfacing, right? Guys and girls can be best of friends without anything happening. I speak from experience.
    The majority of my close friends are girls and many of them have boyfriends. I understand that insecurities surface, but for what it's worth I (and the majority of boys I know) would never dream of trying it on with one of their friends.
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    Any advice? My mood has been up down up down and I've been getting more and more detached, and people are noticing. People are talking to me and I just don't hear them. More significantly, all three of my housemates are on diets, one of whom is eating no hot food, basically just fruit and salads... But then kind of binging one day a week. It's massively triggering especially as we all spend a lot of time together. I don't know where my head is but I have gained a couple of pounds and it has made me pretty confused about what to do.. To ignore it or diet for a couple of weeks....


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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    When we don't live normally, we don't understand what "normal" is. And then we make up our own "normal."

    We are the people that watch shock programmes and shrug, whilst others shriek in disbelief. Why is this? This is because we've realised we can live with true horrors whilst others cannot.

    We've come to accept a life that is so bizarre and obtuse that "normal" is just a luxury to us, now!

    Riku, to you specifically, I find myself responding to more frequently than others. Jealousy is the killer of relationships regardless of mental disability or issue. I know this through experience.

    My fiance was eight years my senior. If I was a lesser man this would rip me to shreds, yet I did not. It turned out she was suffering a cervical disease and she was becoming less and less interested in me because she wanted me to know I would never bear her children. She made it more and more aware that this issue was ruining her, and it should ruin me too. I fought for her to understand that I wanted her, not children, and even infertile, she was perfect as a woman in my eyes, and yet she did not accept.

    She fought me every step of the way, and finally defied me to the point of solace, splitting from me because she felt inadequate as a human being. Imagine me in the role of your missus here. Striving, BATTLING for you. And yet you are a petulant, furious defiant, who refuses to accept me. All I want is to be with you, yet your own secret, deluded agenda means I can't get closer to you. The more I try to ask for support, the more your silly fears break the more important elements to dust. The more you force yourself to focus on the daft and inconsequential, the less time you are focusing on what's important.

    I am 29. I lost a woman who was desperate to love, yet felt her love was unwarranted without a future filled with children. She was in her late thirties. Do you understand how your own fears and phobias seem so daft in comparison to something truly relationship-destroying? Your description of "Clark Kent" is not HER problem. She's got a friend who looks like someone. This is all she knows, but you're reading that as "She says he looks like Clark Kent meaning he's hot and I want him, because anyone talking about Clark Kent fancies the pants off him". It's like you're purposely, consciously missing about three logical steps in your head to feed your anxiety. If you're not willing to accept she has pals, and that those pals are of a different gender to her, then perhaps a relationship is not quite something you're ready for at at all. If you are willing to accept that this girl is accommodating you at every avenue with great effort, then you should also be willing to acknowledge she is a woman, a PERSON, not a belonging. She's allowed to have friends, pals, buddies, aquaintances. If she is not, then break it off. You are not mature enough for ANY relationship yet. If you simply cannot find mental peace when you are with her, then focus on healing your subpsychotic anxiety on your own first, before bringing her or any other woman into the equation.

    A lady is a person, not a thing. A person with feelings that may or may not match your own, but may echo your hopes. When a lady speaks it should echo your future. If it does, you should tread in the steps of her voice. If not, you may ask her to follow, but you cannot drag her there.

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Riku, you know it's just your insecurities surfacing, right? Guys and girls can be best of friends without anything happening. I speak from experience.

    (Original post by Mackay)
    The majority of my close friends are girls and many of them have boyfriends. I understand that insecurities surface, but for what it's worth I (and the majority of boys I know) would never dream of trying it on with one of their friends.
    Thanks for the replies everyone Toto I understand where you're coming from but I feel you were being harsh by telling me to break up. Of course she's allowed to have friends. I want the best for her. My main issue is with her having a good guy friend called Superman and everything I associate with that character. We just explored this today in therapy

    [It's not just about the looks, it's everything about that elusive goal of self-'improvement', and begs the question why am I not good enough now? I'm not a superhero, no-one is. It's silly thinking I have to be the impossible to be worthy]
    If anything I should feel ashamed of objectifying him, this probably well-meaning friend with innocent intentions who I've transformed into a symbol of what I think I should be (and probably it's a case of the grass is greener too!)

    Anyway for the time being I'm more concerned about her well-being since she's admitted some of how she feels today (about everything, not us, she's happy with that and so am I). This is likely to come up again but at least I have a reference point.

    You were absolutely right to tell me to go back to the counsellor and we've covered some good ground today

    I'm sorry to hear about your fiancé, it could have worked out I see your point about thinking that if things aren't occurring exactly the way you envision them, that doesn't mean they're a mess and you should end a good thing. I hope she and you are in a better place now. You're a good guy.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Any advice? My mood has been up down up down and I've been getting more and more detached, and people are noticing. People are talking to me and I just don't hear them. More significantly, all three of my housemates are on diets, one of whom is eating no hot food, basically just fruit and salads... But then kind of binging one day a week. It's massively triggering especially as we all spend a lot of time together. I don't know where my head is but I have gained a couple of pounds and it has made me pretty confused about what to do.. To ignore it or diet for a couple of weeks....


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    Ignore them, their 'diet' sounds silly and not healthy anyway. You can still hang out with them but refuse to be pulled in to their meal plan. Set a good example for them and (secretly?) yourself Most likely they'll soon start missing a sandwich :P (and really how silly does that sound, that their life will become a matter of missing a sandwich? My school friend misses his dad who passed away 5 years today, I think he has more to miss than a sandwich. Don't take life for granted.)

    Question is Cinnie, did you really need to ask us this? What's really bothering you buddy? Why are you feeling more detached?
    :hugs:
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    sorry riku, my I pad won't let me quote.

    I guess I knew the answer to the diet question. It's strange, I've never felt such strong mood changes before. I'll be completely down one minute, feeling almost suicidal... and the next I could take on everything and more. I don't know what is making me detached. Like you I am paranoid.. More that everyone hates me and that I'm weird etc. it is hard to keep my eating stable when my mood isn't.


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    I weighed myself this morning and I've lost a tiny bit of weight... I almost cried in happiness. It's spurring me on to keep going and lose more. I can't stop this alone
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    sorry riku, my I pad won't let me quote.

    I guess I knew the answer to the diet question. It's strange, I've never felt such strong mood changes before. I'll be completely down one minute, feeling almost suicidal... and the next I could take on everything and more. I don't know what is making me detached. Like you I am paranoid.. More that everyone hates me and that I'm weird etc. it is hard to keep my eating stable when my mood isn't.


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    You're describing some of the symptoms of bipolar there Cinnie!
    I'm not going to tell you what everyone really thinks of you, because even though that's good, it doesn't matter. Your self-worth isn't contingent on what everyone thinks of you (which is probably a whole lot more admired than you think!)
    :hugs:
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    Thanks riku. I can't imagine it's bipolar just because I don't get manic in the sense of thinking I can fly or not sleeping or something.


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    My girlfriend has an eating disorder...should i pretend to be happy in order to make her feel good when she loses weight or should i show how i am against it even if it would risk upsetting her and sending her into a spiralling depression which could lead to further purging?!
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    Strato, I definitely would not encourage her to lose weight or be happy when she does. Remind and reassure her that she does not need to lose weight, and that it will not make her more loved/prettier/a better person... But you will be there for her no matter what she decides to do.


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    (Original post by stratocaster1)
    My girlfriend has an eating disorder...should i pretend to be happy in order to make her feel good when she loses weight or should i show how i am against it even if it would risk upsetting her and sending her into a spiralling depression which could lead to further purging?!
    Tell her all the things you love about her that are unrelated to her body to take the focus away from image. Of course reassure her she's beautiful no matter what amd perhaps gently put it that she looks better at a higher weight, but don't make her feel pressured or that there is a problem with her image now. The more you can shift focus from her weight the better; after all, these are the qualities that matter and she needs to see herself as worth more than her jeans size!
    She's very lucky to have such a caring partner and I agree with Cinnie, don't show any signs of approval related to weight loss.
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    Gained 4lbs in just over a fortnight! And for once I don't feel "big" or a failure, I've made sure I've ruthlessly thrown out all my "sick" clothes so that everything feels comfortable. Meditation has also greatly helped my mindset; an hour or two at night with positive affirmations has been such a help so far.
    Just one question...is it normal to feel even MORE drained and weak even when eating more? I can hardly get up the stairs without getting exhausted, need to sleep CONSTANTLY and it's starting to interfere with uni because I can't get through long lectures or commit as much time as I'd like to my work because I just want to sleep and get AWFUL headaches. Also have very dry skin. I thought the opposite was meant to happen!
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    Riku: Don't misread what I wrote buddy. I didn't tell you to break up. I said that if you should be UNABLE to chastise your own emotions, the possessive, unhealthily jealous nature; if you cannot stymie those things, then it is unquestionably unfair to put a woman through that, because the natural progression of such a relationship is that the jealous/mentally perturbed party becomes more and more possessive to the point of almost... well, imprisonment.

    Disenchanted: I covered your point a page ago, so I won't repeat myself entirely, but what you're experiencing is absolutely normal. In fact, do you want to hear something pretty shocking? The more you need to sleep, the more internal damage you have done. Now, that's not me saying "SHAME ON YOU!" - quite the contrary; the fact you're doing so well warrants a pang of pride! But think about it. At a very basal level, your body uses dormant state (sleep) to heal. Anorexics suffer insomnia a lot because they have the TIME to heal, but not the FUEL to heal. It's like the body goes, "argh, look at all this damage, but we've got no planks and nails coming in to patch it up. Healing time seems pointless." Conversely, when you start to take fuel, these "planks and nails" in, your body gets so excited it's getting the tools to heal that it wants your dormant state to happen as often as possible. It keeps thinking of all the damage inside and wants it healed as soon as it can; whenever it gets the resources to do so, it shuts you down.

    This is why the greater damage you've done to yourself causes more frequent sleep. Your body reroutes all of your resources to the biggest damaged areas (usually the liver, kidneys, heart and bones, in that order) - so you might temporarily notice dry skin, itchiness, cold sores etc; your body is taking this well-needed time to re-divert your internal army to the bits that need fixed by numerical priority.

    Ever wondered why someone instantly falls into a coma, even if the damage done is not cerebral/cranial? Often in TV shows people only fall into comas if they receive head trauma, but in reality it's a sudden state your body goes into as a last resort, when the damage is so large that it wants a PERMANENT FIXING state, uninterrupted, using up any and all resources the body has to cover this huge isolated damaged spot.

    What you're experiencing, then, is pretty much a very broken comatose state. That sounds severe but if your body feels it has to interrupt your conscious body in order to heal NOW, then it proves you've done real damage internally. Makes sense, right? But like I said - as long as you keep it up - this is TEMPORARY. Suffer the short-term pain for the long-term happiness.

    The alternative is a long-term descent full of deluded, incorrect praise, then a dormant state that lasts a WHOLE lot longer than a coma. Eating disorders are one of the most cruel broken circuits your brain can have; I often use the hammer/flame and hand parallel. If you were to hurt your body periodically ANY OTHER WAY, I bet even the ED-minded would call you crazy, and yet it's the same thing; the man who sticks his hand in a fire each day and shows it to his pals, hoping for them to compliment him on it - and each day it becomes more worn, broken, burnt and useless, and all he sees is progress. "It's more burnt! I'm so elated!"

    When you get that sense of elation standing on a scale and the number has decreased, you are merely that man sticking your hand into a fire. When you pull your frail frame outside to have your "good day", know that everyone is seeing your own type of "burnt hand" and shaking their head; saddened, confused, disgusted and helpless.
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    Disenchanted - that's brilliant! We seem to be at a similar stage. I have been trying to give myself positive affirmations. The book 'You Can Change Your Life' by Louise L. Hay has been a great source of inspiration. Also, with regards to the tiredness - YES! I am absolutely exhausted, it feels like I've been hit by a freight train. I have been falling asleep in the afternoon every day for a week. The night sweats are still causing problems, too. I had to change my clothes TWICE the other night but, as Toto said, we must endure these short-term costs to reap the long-term benefits.
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    I'll be sure to keep it up and keep on resting so that the weight gain and repair can continue steadily! Started to discover some old favourites amongst the foods I'm re-introducing. Toto thank you for that, helpful but also very truthful and eye-opening; you're right, a lot of damage must have happened for the tiredness to be this bad so will listen to my body and let it get on with repairing itself. Luckily I have a reading week after today so I can take it easy. Mackay that's great, keep going! Nice to know someone is at a similar stage right now...and I get the night sweat problem too, but it'll be worth it in the end!
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    I know what you mean about the old favourites. It's almost as if I persuaded myself during restriction that I disliked all the foods I 'forbade'. As soon as I started re-introducing, I was hit by a real sense of enjoyment. Obviously, guilty thoughts emerge but I'm doing my best to fight them. One other thing I've noticed is a HUGE shift in body temperature. It's a given that eating disorders mess up your thermostat and lead you to feel cold all the time, but it's amazing how much better I am at dealing with cold temperatures now. Also, Disenchanted - remember food is a natural sedative! It's not abnormal at all. Just use it as an excuse to laze around falling asleep in front of the TV - that's what I'm doing!
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    (Original post by Mackay)
    I know what you mean about the old favourites. It's almost as if I persuaded myself during restriction that I disliked all the foods I 'forbade'. As soon as I started re-introducing, I was hit by a real sense of enjoyment. Obviously, guilty thoughts emerge but I'm doing my best to fight them. One other thing I've noticed is a HUGE shift in body temperature. It's a given that eating disorders mess up your thermostat and lead you to feel cold all the time, but it's amazing how much better I am at dealing with cold temperatures now. Also, Disenchanted - remember food is a natural sedative! It's not abnormal at all. Just use it as an excuse to laze around falling asleep in front of the TV - that's what I'm doing!
    Absolutely; some foods admittedly were instantly rejected by my body and made me quite sick the first week but I'm gradually getting myself used to it so the nausea's definitely easing. Also finding myself hungry ALL the time! Which I guess makes it easier when I want a snack; it doesn't feel as uncomfortable or forced...I do it because I know my body is telling me it needs more fuel.
    Great to hear you're dealing better with the cold I haven't quite got there yet but I guess that'll come soon enough! Agreed, a great excuse to laze around indeed...giving up cross country for Blackadder boxsets wasn't such a bad thing
    Give some guided meditation apps a go or use Youtube...they're great for helping you sleep and the positive affirmation ones really help you to mentally as well as physically recover. It's helping become much more connected to my own body and the positive affirmations, even if I fall asleep, remain with me when that 'negative' critical voice comes back. It's easier to nip in the bud and has much less of an influence. Worth a try if you haven't already!
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Tell her all the things you love about her that are unrelated to her body to take the focus away from image. Of course reassure her she's beautiful no matter what amd perhaps gently put it that she looks better at a higher weight, but don't make her feel pressured or that there is a problem with her image now. The more you can shift focus from her weight the better; after all, these are the qualities that matter and she needs to see herself as worth more than her jeans size!
    She's very lucky to have such a caring partner and I agree with Cinnie, don't show any signs of approval related to weight loss.
    Hey, this is actually really great advice that I didn't think of!
    Of course, I have tried telling her that she looks better with more weight on, but this has proved ineffective as she has started answering 'yeah but you like fat girls anyway!' Haha. See it has gotten to the point where she cares more about how she looks to herself than how she looks to me, because I have always found her beautiful and sexy anyway. Its a big battle with herself I guess. But maybe if I take the focus away from image completely it will have an impact
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    So I didn't eat lunch today and it felt like a huge achievement.
 
 
 
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