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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And if even you can tell ' O_o, I do look a funny colour, they were right' then you really, really are not well.
    Ummm i just don't know what to do anymore :'(


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    YOUR WEAPONS WHEN EMBARKING ON RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER: PACK THEM ALL.

    If you cannot get every one of these, then you are not doing all you can to recover!

    1): THE TEAMMATES
    Number one for a reason. You need the support of medical professionals, yes, but you also need a confidant. At least one person you tell the absolute truth to; these teammates will be your backbone when you lose your own.

    2): MILESTONE MENTALITY.
    Every day is a new day. When you start this brand new morning, what you did the day before is meaningless - forgotten - past. That includes your failings AND your successes. If you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it. If you have a good day, don't rest solely on your single day of praise; resting on your laurels makes you lazy and complacent. Likewise, set up at least one or two days a week to meet your "team" and discuss all of your anxieties. Even just saying the words aloud and letting a peer, pal or relative hear - it's such an amazing feeling.

    3): ED-RADAR.
    You have conditioned your mind to think in a way that is absolutely backwards. So you at least know all the things to watch out for in day to day life. You, yourself, know when you are being triggered, being hurt inside, and the situations that might present themselves with those things in them. But instead of hiding from the big bad world and living in a bubble, go about your day normally, mindful of your triggers. If you face them head on, with the blips always on your "radar", you find you are never caught off-guard. The increased level of alertness will also eventually boost your inner confidence as you approach your scenarios prepared and ready.

    4): DAILY GOLD-STAR SUPPLY.
    Every day, wake up, and look at yourself. If not yourself in the mirror, then yourself spiritually, mentally - as a person. Every single day, give yourself a metaphorical gold star for something great about yourself. It might be something really daft but means something to you specifically; it may be something tremendous. But the only rule is - you can't pick the same thing twice. As you look deeper to find things you like about yourself, you strive further and further to better the qualities you already knew were improving. Not only does your confidence creep up, but you start to understand that you are not just a list of minuses; there are so many things about you that are wonderful, and your gold stars only signify this each day.

    5): OPTIMISM.
    Because nobody ever climbed a mountain thinking they can't even climb a staircase. You will not heal unless you are willing to truly try.


    Gather up these weapons, and you are ready to start the healing process. When you feel yourself faltering, just check that you still have all five of these weapons. If you don't, muster up some courage to bring them back, and get recovering.

    And remember - you are the core. Weapons do nothing without YOU. And YOU CAN DO IT.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    YOUR WEAPONS WHEN EMBARKING ON RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER: PACK THEM ALL.

    If you cannot get every one of these, then you are not doing all you can to recover!

    1): THE TEAMMATES
    Number one for a reason. You need the support of medical professionals, yes, but you also need a confidant. At least one person you tell the absolute truth to; these teammates will be your backbone when you lose your own.

    2): MILESTONE MENTALITY.
    Every day is a new day. When you start this brand new morning, what you did the day before is meaningless - forgotten - past. That includes your failings AND your successes. If you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it. If you have a good day, don't rest solely on your single day of praise; resting on your laurels makes you lazy and complacent. Likewise, set up at least one or two days a week to meet your "team" and discuss all of your anxieties. Even just saying the words aloud and letting a peer, pal or relative hear - it's such an amazing feeling.

    3): ED-RADAR.
    You have conditioned your mind to think in a way that is absolutely backwards. So you at least know all the things to watch out for in day to day life. You, yourself, know when you are being triggered, being hurt inside, and the situations that might present themselves with those things in them. But instead of hiding from the big bad world and living in a bubble, go about your day normally, mindful of your triggers. If you face them head on, with the blips always on your "radar", you find you are never caught off-guard. The increased level of alertness will also eventually boost your inner confidence as you approach your scenarios prepared and ready.

    4): DAILY GOLD-STAR SUPPLY.
    Every day, wake up, and look at yourself. If not yourself in the mirror, then yourself spiritually, mentally - as a person. Every single day, give yourself a metaphorical gold star for something great about yourself. It might be something really daft but means something to you specifically; it may be something tremendous. But the only rule is - you can't pick the same thing twice. As you look deeper to find things you like about yourself, you strive further and further to better the qualities you already knew were improving. Not only does your confidence creep up, but you start to understand that you are not just a list of minuses; there are so many things about you that are wonderful, and your gold stars only signify this each day.

    5): OPTIMISM.
    Because nobody ever climbed a mountain thinking they can't even climb a staircase. You will not heal unless you are willing to truly try.


    Gather up these weapons, and you are ready to start the healing process. When you feel yourself faltering, just check that you still have all five of these weapons. If you don't, muster up some courage to bring them back, and get recovering.

    And remember - you are the core. Weapons do nothing without YOU. And YOU CAN DO IT.
    How did you eating disorder first begin? What events and how led to it?
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    (Original post by Xscape)
    How did you eating disorder first begin? What events and how led to it?
    What is usually 1000% easier to explain than why.
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    im beggining to really worry about myself

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    i used to struggle with bingeing alot as i used to not eat during lower school as people used to use it as ammo against my weight. but now im struggling to eat, im having to make sure i eat 1 meal a day minimum because i know i NEED to, now im sat here the only one awake KNOWING there is half a sausage roll thing in the kitchen that im allowed to eat, but my issue is half of my is saying "no dont eat it, youv already eaten today, and if you eat that youll just want to keep eating" but another part of me is saying "just eat it, you need to keep eating to keep your strength up or youll get ill"

    iv NEVER had any problems like this before :sad:
    :bawling:
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    Had fun at London MCM Expo for my friend's 21st! I can now live up to my name, Riku has his Keyblade

    Ate soo much junk food (more than I would feel comfortable doing normally, I grew a little addicted to the Sainsbury's bitesize caramel shortbreads :P), I now feel knackered and came down with a bad cold, but it was oh so worth it

    Maybe it's as they say, life's all about learning to dance in the rain?

    Of course I now need to come back down to reality and get this work done rather than let my ruminations take over and leave me even further behind. Just going to have to roll with the punches here.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    YOUR WEAPONS WHEN EMBARKING ON RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER: PACK THEM ALL.

    If you cannot get every one of these, then you are not doing all you can to recover!

    1): THE TEAMMATES
    Number one for a reason. You need the support of medical professionals, yes, but you also need a confidant. At least one person you tell the absolute truth to; these teammates will be your backbone when you lose your own.

    2): MILESTONE MENTALITY.
    Every day is a new day. When you start this brand new morning, what you did the day before is meaningless - forgotten - past. That includes your failings AND your successes. If you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it. If you have a good day, don't rest solely on your single day of praise; resting on your laurels makes you lazy and complacent. Likewise, set up at least one or two days a week to meet your "team" and discuss all of your anxieties. Even just saying the words aloud and letting a peer, pal or relative hear - it's such an amazing feeling.

    3): ED-RADAR.
    You have conditioned your mind to think in a way that is absolutely backwards. So you at least know all the things to watch out for in day to day life. You, yourself, know when you are being triggered, being hurt inside, and the situations that might present themselves with those things in them. But instead of hiding from the big bad world and living in a bubble, go about your day normally, mindful of your triggers. If you face them head on, with the blips always on your "radar", you find you are never caught off-guard. The increased level of alertness will also eventually boost your inner confidence as you approach your scenarios prepared and ready.

    4): DAILY GOLD-STAR SUPPLY.
    Every day, wake up, and look at yourself. If not yourself in the mirror, then yourself spiritually, mentally - as a person. Every single day, give yourself a metaphorical gold star for something great about yourself. It might be something really daft but means something to you specifically; it may be something tremendous. But the only rule is - you can't pick the same thing twice. As you look deeper to find things you like about yourself, you strive further and further to better the qualities you already knew were improving. Not only does your confidence creep up, but you start to understand that you are not just a list of minuses; there are so many things about you that are wonderful, and your gold stars only signify this each day.

    5): OPTIMISM.
    Because nobody ever climbed a mountain thinking they can't even climb a staircase. You will not heal unless you are willing to truly try.


    Gather up these weapons, and you are ready to start the healing process. When you feel yourself faltering, just check that you still have all five of these weapons. If you don't, muster up some courage to bring them back, and get recovering.

    And remember - you are the core. Weapons do nothing without YOU. And YOU CAN DO IT.
    I'm reposting this because I feel some posters NEED to read this and ask if they're doing everything they CAN do to help themselves. It's easy to post daily that you feel that there's nothing you can do, that's you're helpless - but until you've tried everything I'm offering (as well as the help given by medical professionals) - you're not really helping yourself at all.


    Also, to Fusion; well done my brother. NOW you're getting it. Anorexics, Orthorexics, Bulimics and those of similar disorders become experts at analysing life. Thinking about life. Watching others enjoying life. The only thing we DON'T do is ACTUALLY LIVE,
    Which is exceptionally ironic considering we become extremely critical of those things we feel might harm... our lifestyles.

    You've experienced what it is to actually just live like unburdened minds do. Just don't now sit and think about what you've done, analysing all the goods and bads of the time you just spent, wracking your brain considering how to perpetuate yourself.

    Just, instead - LIVE it!
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    My friends are having a Halloween party on Thursday but I don't want to get drunk because it could send me back to the hell-hole of depression and paranoia and I have a tendency towards addiction anyway.
    But I feel like I won't fit in if I don't, that I'd be being a 'health nut' again, and I have had a guy imply I'm not a real man because of what I'm drinking (and he is a sound guy who everyone looks up to, a lot older than me too).

    I don't know what to do but I've started worrying 2 days ahead of it because my mate made a casual joke about his plan to get pissed.
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    And with that, Riku, you just do what I implored you not to!
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    Tough few days for me. I'm still in the refeeding program, and for the first time in weeks the sound of "well done, you've gained this week" filled me with dread. I've noticed a covering of fat over my ribs and have been really body conscious over the past week or so.
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    (Original post by Mackay)
    Tough few days for me. I'm still in the refeeding program, and for the first time in weeks the sound of "well done, you've gained this week" filled me with dread. I've noticed a covering of fat over my ribs and have been really body conscious over the past week or so.
    And the strangest thing is, even to my psychiatrist I was trying to make up excuses, like she of all people was ashamed of me for gaining weight. And yet she kept praising me!! What a crazy woman.

    The other day someone said I looked like "my old, normal self". I took offence to this. NORMAL?! How DARE Y... wait, think about this.

    I'm angry about being labelled "normal"? This implies that I'm more happy when I'm "abnormal". "In need". "Sick". Why would I WANT to be sick?

    Then I thought deeper. Attention. Special attention.

    We crave the love and attention of others through many situations. Commendation, situation, condition. Some people, especially in our generation, can only garner attention through their overt, extreme personal conditions (body image, outward perception based on appearance) and so we place so much upon that.

    And yet so many times I have been told that I am wise, or understanding and empathetic, and that this is the most important thing in a man. Yet I dismissed it, seeing so many SUPER BROS with their muscles and toned bodies. Girls don't know what they're talking about. What do girls know what they want?! I mean, I'm trying to attract a GIRL here. I don't need GIRLS telling me how to attract a GIRL.

    And yet, for all the contradictions and stupidity, I continued on.

    What an eejit.
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    Can totally relate!
    The paranoia is ridiculous. I've also gained this week but I feel huge (stupid, really..."fat" isn't even a feeling, must remind myself over and over again). But I guess that proves how it really is an illness of the mind as well as the body; a healthy mind would feel pleased at taking a step closer to health. A disordered mind sees it as failure and thinness as an achievement.
    You're right, Toto. Being ill as an achievement?
    Just seems so silly when you look at it that way.
    Not being able to focus on uni work is making me feel worse so I'm just going to leave it for now, do something relaxing...play guitar, watch a funny film...then come back to the work tomorrow with a clear head rather than dwell on the fact I'm staring furiously at a blank page.
    I've hit this point several times, freaked out and relapsed.
    Not this time. My life is worth more than that.
    It may be driving me nuts now but one day I want to be able to say, "Yeah, I'm proud of myself."
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Can totally relate!
    The paranoia is ridiculous. I've also gained this week but I feel huge (stupid, really..."fat" isn't even a feeling, must remind myself over and over again). But I guess that proves how it really is an illness of the mind as well as the body; a healthy mind would feel pleased at taking a step closer to health. A disordered mind sees it as failure and thinness as an achievement.
    You're right, Toto. Being ill as an achievement?
    Just seems so silly when you look at it that way.
    Not being able to focus on uni work is making me feel worse so I'm just going to leave it for now, do something relaxing...play guitar, watch a funny film...then come back to the work tomorrow with a clear head rather than dwell on the fact I'm staring furiously at a blank page.
    I've hit this point several times, freaked out and relapsed.
    Not this time. My life is worth more than that.
    It may be driving me nuts now but one day I want to be able to say, "Yeah, I'm proud of myself."

    And do you know what? That - this singular reason - is why I started this thread three long, drawn-out, painful years ago. Though I urged many people to post their anxieties, I never wanted them to celebrate or even tolerate them - I wanted them to QUESTION them.


    This is not a celebration of all things abnormal in our minds, this is a thread devoted to identifying the breakages in our own heads and mending them.

    When you say "I am helpless", you really mean, "I am not willing." "Helpless" implies you have no help. But you DO have help. And every day, we offer you a hand, and yet you shrug it off so you can live in the darkness instead.

    Disenchanted, I want to commend you for both overcoming and understanding your weaknesses. It is your weaknesses that make you strong. It is your follies, your fouls, that make you able to better yourself. When you look in the mirror, you may find faults, but you do not want to mould your entire life around them any longer.

    Men like me see the strengths in a person like you and commend them - they also see your criticisms and debunk them. Yet we still award you for empathising with you.


    The world is full of people who do not understand who they are. This does not mean they are disordered in some way, it just means that they are yet to understand that they do not need to fit a template. You are not an amorphous blob; you are you, and you are the only you in the universe.

    And yet, you desperately cling to the notion that you want to look or feel like someone else. Why?! WHY!? You are you, and the person that marries, loves, dotes on you does so because you are you!

    Next time you ask yourself why you aren't "more like X", consider that you are unique. You are like you. The most like you anyone can possibly be. And that some individual out there is extremely envious of this fact, and wants to be the most like you anyone could be. Only they can't; YOU are the most like you. You are you, perfect in every way, to the mindset of those who covet your form and mind.

    Learn to appreciate all you have and you covet nothing.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    My friends are having a Halloween party on Thursday but I don't want to get drunk because it could send me back to the hell-hole of depression and paranoia and I have a tendency towards addiction anyway.
    But I feel like I won't fit in if I don't, that I'd be being a 'health nut' again, and I have had a guy imply I'm not a real man because of what I'm drinking (and he is a sound guy who everyone looks up to, a lot older than me too).

    I don't know what to do but I've started worrying 2 days ahead of it because my mate made a casual joke about his plan to get pissed.
    Riku, I would say to go to the party. It means a lot to people if you turn up. You absolutely don't have to drink and you should never feel pressurised to do so. In my first year, I didn't drink for all of September because I genuinely didn't like it and only the really superficial people had a problem with it. All my mates thought it was pretty cool and wished they had that much willpower.

    Alcohol is a depressant and could make things worse. If anyone gives you grief about not drinking, just say that you don't feel like it because you went out drinking on another night or something. Or just say you're not in the mood for booze.

    The guy that has implied you're not a 'real man' clearly doesn't understand that being a 'real man' doesn't involve getting sh*tfaced all the time. Don't listen to him. No matter what, you will always have someone that is going to pick on you. You'll always have one hater. But so long as you're true to yourself, that's the most important thing. x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Riku, I would say to go to the party. It means a lot to people if you turn up. You absolutely don't have to drink and you should never feel pressurised to do so. In my first year, I didn't drink for all of September because I genuinely didn't like it and only the really superficial people had a problem with it. All my mates thought it was pretty cool and wished they had that much willpower.

    Alcohol is a depressant and could make things worse. If anyone gives you grief about not drinking, just say that you don't feel like it because you went out drinking on another night or something. Or just say you're not in the mood for booze.

    The guy that has implied you're not a 'real man' clearly doesn't understand that being a 'real man' doesn't involve getting sh*tfaced all the time. Don't listen to him. No matter what, you will always have someone that is going to pick on you. You'll always have one hater. But so long as you're true to yourself, that's the most important thing. x
    Thanks Jazzy. I'm not really supposed to drink while taking Fluoxetine as it is anyway!

    I will try my best

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    I've been a bit silly tonight and it seems the later/longer I stay up on the computer, the more extreme and distorted my thoughts become. My extreme worries seem to fall under psychotic depression (as Toto suggested), OCD, or severe anxiety bordering on paranoia. The rest of the time it's a mix between GAD, mild depression and OCD.


    I say OCD because I have nasty and whenever I get these thoughts I tend to binge. For example I seem to now have equated going to the gym with a need to dominate...erm..my mum
    and this whole worry about getting her approval to do anything physical/relating to my body being a way of avoiding that. I seem to think I'll go straight past assertiveness into Hulk Smash mode.

    I also seem to be afraid of my own thoughts, and I'm trying to suppress or dull them by staying up late/eating, but it doesn't work, in fact it either makes them worse or gives birth to new ones just as messed up.
    I should probably tell my counsellor I've had worries I'd hurt someone. I don't intend to act on them, but the worse I feel the more I genuinely believe that I'm going to do it. I tried to Section myself in case I did it when I started the meds.


    Uh I wish I could think normally and be 'normal' (as in operating within reasonable social norms)...or at least freaky in a cool monster way like I will be tomorrow at the party :P
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    Riku have a great time at the party tonight I have been talking back to thoughts of 'I need to do x in a certain perfect way because I have to do it the same every time'. For example, 'I can't have porridge at 9pm this evening because if I were to have porridge every evening I might be in a situation where I am out with my friends at 9pm and I won't be able to have porridge and BLAHHH!!). These thoughts and worries are there because sometimes it feel like I need rules in case I can't rely on what I really want in case it is 'wrong'
    The truth is every day is different and you don't have to create rules for things. If you don't fancy a drink tonight and are perfectly happy with that then don't. If you want to then start and stop as you like x


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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Riku have a great time at the party tonight I have been talking back to thoughts of 'I need to do x in a certain perfect way because I have to do it the same every time'. For example, 'I can't have porridge at 9pm this evening because if I were to have porridge every evening I might be in a situation where I am out with my friends at 9pm and I won't be able to have porridge and BLAHHH!!). These thoughts and worries are there because sometimes it feel like I need rules in case I can't rely on what I really want in case it is 'wrong'
    The truth is every day is different and you don't have to create rules for things. If you don't fancy a drink tonight and are perfectly happy with that then don't. If you want to then start and stop as you like x


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    Thanks Cinnie! I had quite a good time although I was tired and quiet and people seemed to notice.
    Definitely understand you on the arbitrary rule thing. I lclearly have this rule now 'I can never never ever go to the gym again because it feeds my disorder' as Toto said. But sometimes instead I'll just be lying in bed really late because I don't think I'm allowed to move :/

    I know I asked my dad permission to check that I could go for a 10 minute walk the other day to know that he didn't think it was a behaviour. I wanted to go because I was stuck in the house all day and sunlight helps my anxiety, but I felt some shamed for it, especially when 10 became 15

    I feel like in a perfect recovery I am supposed to NEVER do exercise again, and just focus on all other aspects of my life. But personally I find being pyhsically fit improves most areas of my life

    It's really hard to break this circular thinking, especially when I think that it's right to think like that, because any other way could be dangerous and result in people close to me being disappointed/hurt/at worst calling a treatment team and sticking me in IP/Sectioning me



    How are you this week? x
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    I bet you're glad you went though!
    Doing exercise at the gym doesn't fuel your ED as long as it is not obsessive/extreme in nature (which could be walking somewhere even though it is raining and a friend has offered you a lift, or going to the gym even though you are tired) or for weight loss or weight gain purposes. It sounds as though going to the gym a couple of times a week for an hour or less would be fine at the moment. As long as you genuinely want to.

    I am ok thank you. Much much better than when I last posted. I've felt like the same person each day for days now which is always fantastic x


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    becoming increasingly worried about ED behaviour, i ignore all signs of being hungry and purposefully wait until tea time before getting something to eat, and dont eat at all during the day, i know this is totally not how its meant to be, but currently living with my boyfriends mum and his sister, and i HATE eating infront of people, unless everyone is eating at the same time, but noone eats at the same time in this house, which then makes me panic, and i find it easier and safer to just wait till i cook a meal at night for me and my boyfriend
    but even though im worried i still prefer to not eat, its like im completing a goal or something, never had this trouble before
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    Had an incredible weekend. He's the first guy I've gotten naked in front of in about 2 years and he actually said I was so sexy, despite me not liking my torso. It just puts it in perspective. You may not like your body, you may be paranoid about it...but realistically, someone else will love your body.

    He didn't mind the self-harm scars either
 
 
 
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