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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
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    Had an incredible weekend. He's the first guy I've gotten naked in front of in about 2 years and he actually said I was so sexy, despite me not liking my torso. It just puts it in perspective. You may not like your body, you may be paranoid about it...but realistically, someone else will love your body.

    He didn't mind the self-harm scars either
    Thats really good hun
    So pleased for you!


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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    Thats really good hun
    So pleased for you!


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    Thank you so much Poncho! It just shows that even after recovering from an ED, you will feel insecure (he was shocked when I told him that I've not been naked in front of someone in 2 years due to insecurity and was like 'but you're beautiful!') but no one else feels that way about your body except for you. Everyone else will love your body, look past the flaws that you see but that aren't really real. I feel so happy x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Thank you so much Poncho! It just shows that even after recovering from an ED, you will feel insecure (he was shocked when I told him that I've not been naked in front of someone in 2 years due to insecurity and was like 'but you're beautiful!') but no one else feels that way about your body except for you. Everyone else will love your body, look past the flaws that you see but that aren't really real. I feel so happy x
    This is brilliant to hear
    Listen to those compliments; you deserve to be appreciated! X
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    I had a woman contact me today via email. She mentioned that I had never met her before, but she wanted to thank me more than she could possibly articulate.

    Apparently, two or so months ago her daughter attended one of my voluntary group sessions for mental health support after she had practically forced her to go. I remember the girl quite vividly; early twenties, very, very introverted, and didn't join in with any of the Q&A stuff.

    The email stated that her daughter had been a total zombie for months, wouldn't listen to a word anyone said, and that our group sessions were like a last resort for her girl. This was because after the main session, I stopped her and asked to speak to her specifically; everyone else had joined in, but not this particular girl, and I had noticed at the first sign of dismissal, she tried to bolt.

    We actually ended up speaking for nearly an hour after the session had ended, and texts me from time to time. She had been explaining that she really was trying.

    But her mum said she's now getting the support she needs and even eats breakfast at the family table now. She said to me, and this really hit home,

    "I forgot what my daughter was like for so long that I acted though she had disappeared from our lives completely, but just having her eating her weetabix at the table with us after so long is almost like having her back like when she was a little girl - we feel like we're parents again."

    To feel as though your daughter is actually GONE - an ED DOES turn you into a zombie. You become no more worth or sentient than a person in a coma - your loved ones start to love you as they would visiting a hospital bed, sitting with a silent presence, then leaving. They know there's nothing more they can do for you in this position, so all they can do is turn up, hope the next day holds a little bit more for their child.

    I know this girl has only taken the first step but for her mother to contact me directly to tell me she's a mother again after losing her child to this "coma", this "zombie state" - she has her girl back. Even in a limited capacity, they have one another again. And soon, they'll be even stronger.

    I smiled, I cried, and held my head up with pride. If we can help ourselves, and ONE other person, I call that a +1 in the global karma stakes. Wouldn't you agree? X
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    Touching story, Toto. Inspiring stuff indeed.

    As for me - my week's been much the same as the last. My therapist has gone on holiday so it feels like my safety blanket has been whipped from underneath me. I had a self-support group this week and it involved the other members of my group CBT sessions. As I walked in, one of them said "you look so healthy". It's a weird one, because I don't actually associate "healthy" with "good", I associate it with "normal" and "fat". I'm still sticking to the eating plan and I've gained again this week, so I just need to keep doing it until I'm at a stable weight and then begin challenging my thoughts.
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    (Original post by Mackay)
    Touching story, Toto. Inspiring stuff indeed.

    As for me - my week's been much the same as the last. My therapist has gone on holiday so it feels like my safety blanket has been whipped from underneath me. I had a self-support group this week and it involved the other members of my group CBT sessions. As I walked in, one of them said "you look so healthy". It's a weird one, because I don't actually associate "healthy" with "good", I associate it with "normal" and "fat". I'm still sticking to the eating plan and I've gained again this week, so I just need to keep doing it until I'm at a stable weight and then begin challenging my thoughts.
    I've been a healthy weight since last summer and even now comments like this don't fit too well with me. As time goes on it's much easier to deal with and irrational feelings less intense. Well done on making progress x




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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    I've been a healthy weight since last summer and even now comments like this don't fit too well with me. As time goes on it's much easier to deal with and irrational feelings less intense. Well done on making progress x




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    Thank-you! Yeah, I guess everyone experiences it. After she said it, another girl laughed and said "Oh, God, that's the worst thing you can say to him" which raised a wry smile. I guess it's part and parcel of recovery and I need to remind myself it is PROOF I'm getting better.
    • #122
    #122

    It felt like it was all going so well :/

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    I went home from university last weekend, it felt super strange. I fell out with most of my family shortly before I left so I was worried going back because I knew it wouldn't feel like my home. I sound so cruel. Ultimately, it ended up with me making a comment to my mum Saturday night and her tearing on my bed. It's not the first time she said it but it felt different this time. "What's the matter with you? Things don't seem quite right." Of course I brushed it off, as I always do and told her I was fine. I was fine. One month eating regularly with no b/p cycles. On sunday I weighed myself for the first time since I'd stopped purging and i'd put on a few pounds. Mortified, my recovery has collapsed. Not only have I begun purging again but i'm restricting. I've never restricted before. I don't know what to do to stop. I'm so scared of putting on more weight. To top things off i'm being tested for glandular fever and hypothyroidism. Way to feel s**t
    • #207
    #207

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    I'm new here. I just wanted to explain how Im feeling at the moment as I am undecided as to whether to seek any advice. Since starting university a few years ago, I have always been weight conscious, but I feel it has become more of a food obsession since Sep this year. I am by no means blaming anyone here, but I have moved into a house with someone who has suffered extensively with anorexia and been in and out of hospital. We are almost always together (this is unavoidable Im afraid) and although I know her eating habits and portion sizes are abnormal, I feel obliged to eat similar amounts and feel intensely guilty for eating more which is ridiculous. Having been a very keen runner earlier this year, I am currently slightly injured -I therefore dont feel able to treat myself to sweet treats anymore since the exercise level has reduced so much.

    I constantly think about food, look on food websites and constantly calorie count, although I allow myself a substantial 1600 calories or so a day so I am not restricting too much! Even so, my busy lifestyle clearly needs more food as I have lost half a stone in the past 8 weeks and at 5"7, I have dropped below 8 stone for the first time since I was about 12! I am worried about it dropping lower, but sadly, I got a huge sense of satisfaction from this.

    I know exactly what Im doing to my body by restricting - I didnt have periods for 2 years and am now on the pill to boost oestrogen. It hit me when I went home last weekend - I realised how much my portion sizes had decreased at dinner time and seeing my parents stir cream and cheese together and pile fat-laden pasta onto a plate brought on a bit of an anxiety attack, Im sure, and I felt myself get palpitations - it is pathetic and something I have not experienced before. Now, I am anxious to go home again which is so sad because my family knows me as someone who loves baking, cooking, cheeses, steaks etc. I even found myself angrily asking them to make the porridge in the morning with semi-skimmed eventhough only the full fat milk was open...
    I also like trying to get up as late as possible on the weekends as this means eating breakfast later and therefore I am less likely to snack/feel hungry before lunch. Is this normal?
    I find myself walking around town centres browsing for hours to take my mind off any hunger too and of course regard the extra walking as an extra calories burnt.
    Unfortunately, I need to study and my lack of concentration is unbelievable at the moment which I know will only improve with better diet. I have no idea why I am so preoccupied with weight gain. I dont feel as though I want to lose any more and I am not daft either.
    It would be lovely to hear if anyone understands where Im coming from, thanks.
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    So since my first year at uni, I've had a bit of a stalker. He fell off the radar for a bit and yesterday, I got a text saying 'hey, it's Dave, how are you? We met on a night out x' so I thought nothing of it because stalker's name is not Dave. University security turned up last night because I was having a panic attack and, just as they were about to leave 'Dave' turns up. Luckily, they got him off the premises when I told them who he was and how he'd lied to me.

    I then get this text from him. 'You're mentally unstable and I think you have schizophrenia because that would explain why you've put on so much weight and why you freaked out'.

    Oh great. Just because I've put on weight, it's the end of the world.

    Safe to say I am not in a happy place right now, and that's not even because of the 'you've put on so much weight' thing (the boy actually loves my curves so I'm happy about my shape). I just love being tarnished as mad because someone lies about their identity and then could've potentially attacked me.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
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    So since my first year at uni, I've had a bit of a stalker. He fell off the radar for a bit and yesterday, I got a text saying 'hey, it's Dave, how are you? We met on a night out x' so I thought nothing of it because stalker's name is not Dave. University security turned up last night because I was having a panic attack and, just as they were about to leave 'Dave' turns up. Luckily, they got him off the premises when I told them who he was and how he'd lied to me.

    I then get this text from him. 'You're mentally unstable and I think you have schizophrenia because that would explain why you've put on so much weight and why you freaked out'.

    Oh great. Just because I've put on weight, it's the end of the world.

    Safe to say I am not in a happy place right now, and that's not even because of the 'you've put on so much weight' thing (the boy actually loves my curves so I'm happy about my shape). I just love being tarnished as mad because someone lies about their identity and then could've potentially attacked me.
    Which in turn truly asks which person has a mental anomaly.

    There are men that strive for years to gain the confidence of a woman, and thousands who ask "how"; there is no secret trick. We are humans. End of story.
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    It's been a long time, although I wish it had been longer.

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    I was doing so well. I had the binging under control, was eating healthy (but not depriving myself) and getting to the gym. I felt good, I felt happy, I felt comfortable - then it all went away.

    I'm binging more and more, I'm fretting about what I eat/how much I exercise almost hourly and I am becoming increasingly irrate because of it. I'm no fun to live with, I'm constantly stressing, annoyed, upset and just fretting over everything. I can maybe manage a few days of going back to good habits, but then something throws me off and I'll be back in square one.

    II wish I could say that life was getting easier, but it really isn't. I've still not done anything with my degree and thinking about going back to study a PGDE in Primary Education or go back to college and do a HNC followed by a HND in Web Development.

    I'm so disappointed in myself.
    • #43
    #43

    Things going OK, although from all of my postsof late, I think it's pretty clear that I judge myself perhaps too harshly for my diagnosis. And then also perhaps sue it as an excuse.

    I wish I could accept myself despite the fact I get nervous around food, can't drink too much, panic when talking to strangers and get tired quite easily. Among other things

    It seems I've turned my problems into a brand of shame that will scar me for life and leave everything else good I ever do redundant and nulled.

    Seems a pretty crappy way to think tbh :P
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    ^^ I'm Anon
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I had a woman contact me today via email. She mentioned that I had never met her before, but she wanted to thank me more than she could possibly articulate.

    Apparently, two or so months ago her daughter attended one of my voluntary group sessions for mental health support after she had practically forced her to go. I remember the girl quite vividly; early twenties, very, very introverted, and didn't join in with any of the Q&A stuff.

    The email stated that her daughter had been a total zombie for months, wouldn't listen to a word anyone said, and that our group sessions were like a last resort for her girl. This was because after the main session, I stopped her and asked to speak to her specifically; everyone else had joined in, but not this particular girl, and I had noticed at the first sign of dismissal, she tried to bolt.

    We actually ended up speaking for nearly an hour after the session had ended, and texts me from time to time. She had been explaining that she really was trying.

    But her mum said she's now getting the support she needs and even eats breakfast at the family table now. She said to me, and this really hit home,

    "I forgot what my daughter was like for so long that I acted though she had disappeared from our lives completely, but just having her eating her weetabix at the table with us after so long is almost like having her back like when she was a little girl - we feel like we're parents again."

    To feel as though your daughter is actually GONE - an ED DOES turn you into a zombie. You become no more worth or sentient than a person in a coma - your loved ones start to love you as they would visiting a hospital bed, sitting with a silent presence, then leaving. They know there's nothing more they can do for you in this position, so all they can do is turn up, hope the next day holds a little bit more for their child.

    I know this girl has only taken the first step but for her mother to contact me directly to tell me she's a mother again after losing her child to this "coma", this "zombie state" - she has her girl back. Even in a limited capacity, they have one another again. And soon, they'll be even stronger.

    I smiled, I cried, and held my head up with pride. If we can help ourselves, and ONE other person, I call that a +1 in the global karma stakes. Wouldn't you agree? X
    You should be SO proud that you've been able to turn somebody's life round in this way. I know you've been through a lot with your own ED, but you're truly making the absolute best of it by helping other people through theirs, and that's fantastic. If only all people with EDs had access to groups like yours, I have a feeling the recovery rate would be much higher.
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    Today we held another group session; this one was slightly less positive.

    Initially it started to descend into something of a "relapse competition". Everyone had been doing so well and suddenly, one of the guys in the group piped up that he was really struggling as of late, and had started restricting for absolutely no reason, as some kind of subconscious rebelling. And yet, what happened next really disturbed me.

    Some of the girls piped up too, only to "one-up" each other with how much "worse" their relapse was compared to the last person. It started to get relatively graphic, reaching a point where I had to stop them and ask them why they felt they needed to strive to hurt themselves more than their peers. One of the girls mentioned that it was "natural for girls to compete or feel threatened". I then asked why it was relevant in a situation of self-harm, when starving one's self was tantamount to slow, painful death.

    "This is the only thing I'm good at", replied that same girl.


    How utterly sad I felt after she said that. It was like she had given up on everything else - studies, love, life, family, friends, fun - because she felt they were all peripheral. Unnecessary. Superfluous. If she wasn't great at those things, they weren't worth doing. So she was clearly in the mindset that the only thing she was good at - starving - killing herself - was worth defending, even if it meant trying to prove she was the "most ill" or could "relapse hardest".

    In the end we got back on track and spoke about how this was ultimately one of the most damaging, abnormal thought patterns to have to date, and it got a lot of us thinking about why we adapted to the lifestyle in the first place. To the recovered (myself and one other), we had a lot of one-to-one sessions with the guys afterwards, and it was clear to both of us that neither the girls nor the initial guy that argued about this relapse "competition" genuinely felt it was "worth it", but rather they were just arguing because they felt their own worth was gauged by their actions - in this case, they placed so much time and effort into killing themselves that it's all they really had.

    Makes you really think hard about the relationship between you and your broken brain, and how it in turn severs your normal interaction with other people.
    • #203
    #203

    does anybody have any experience of self recovery/recovery with a counsellor but not a doctor?

    i'm literally at wits end with my head, i'm yoyoing between restricting and b/p'ing, and no matter what happens, i end up feeling disgusted with myself. i want out of this horrible life.

    however i've had thousands of chances to speak up to somebody, i've had meetings with my tutors, been to see my GP about unrelated things, talked to close friends, and the only time i've been able to tell somebody i'm struggling is with my counsellor. i've been waiting to wake up brave enough to go to the doctors and tell them, but ive come to accept that i might never wake up like that, so i'm gonna try and give it a shot myself.

    it'd just be nice to know i'm not the only one
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    does anybody have any experience of self recovery/recovery with a counsellor but not a doctor?

    i'm literally at wits end with my head, i'm yoyoing between restricting and b/p'ing, and no matter what happens, i end up feeling disgusted with myself. i want out of this horrible life.

    however i've had thousands of chances to speak up to somebody, i've had meetings with my tutors, been to see my GP about unrelated things, talked to close friends, and the only time i've been able to tell somebody i'm struggling is with my counsellor. i've been waiting to wake up brave enough to go to the doctors and tell them, but ive come to accept that i might never wake up like that, so i'm gonna try and give it a shot myself.

    it'd just be nice to know i'm not the only one
    I recovered with gp help only and it was very hard, but possible. I had to take a year out of all stressors/triggers (including university), and even now i still find things very difficult at times. I really really recommend you keep with your counsellor and at least go for regular blood tests. PM me any time if you need any more info
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    Sorry that was me, it auto-anoned.

    That post sounded really negative. I also should add that I'm a million times better than I was this time two years ago
    • #203
    #203

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Sorry that was me, it auto-anoned.

    That post sounded really negative. I also should add that I'm a million times better than I was this time two years ago
    :/

    whilst i haven't spoken to people about specific eating problems, they are aware that i also have issues with depression + anxiety (... i'm kinda messed up, imo) and people are already talking about the idea of taking a leave of absence from uni and coming back next year - but i really don't want to do that, eventhough everything is starting to impact upon my grades, i still love my course, and the few snapshots i have every now and then where i feel free from this crap is when i'm knees deep in studying, and i don't know what i'd do if i left and had nothing to do :s
 
 
 
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