Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

    • #212
    #212

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So i was really happy, then i weighed myself and my bmi is 19.7 Yesterday was the worst day of my life
    I have never been this fat and heavy in my entire life, i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

    I'm now on a 1200 calorie diet until i achieve a bmi of 17.5, learning that i have a bmi of 19.7 has changed who i am
    it's given me a wake up call. I need to get my priorities right or i'm just going to get heavier and heavier. From now on, i'm going to say no whenever i'm offered or tempted to eat something with a high calorie content because of my 'health' and disgustingly huge body mass.
    I know the feeling its like youre nearly at the underweight category but not quite and people think that youre healthy which makes it even more depressing right?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So i was really happy, then i weighed myself and my bmi is 19.7 Yesterday was the worst day of my life
    I have never been this fat and heavy in my entire life, i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

    I'm now on a 1200 calorie diet until i achieve a bmi of 17.5, learning that i have a bmi of 19.7 has changed who i am
    it's given me a wake up call. I need to get my priorities right or i'm just going to get heavier and heavier. From now on, i'm going to say no whenever i'm offered or tempted to eat something with a high calorie content because of my 'health' and disgustingly huge body mass.
    As you're the same Anon that posted previously with this incredibly unhealthy tone, I'm going to go ahead and insist that either you re-assess your life and goals, or you at least keep any content designed to trigger my friends on here to a minimum.

    Whether you're merely extremely deluded or the world's most poor, tasteless internet troll, this is not the place to be proud of mental illness.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    [LIST=1]


    Not necessarily, m'dear. The last stone and a bit I lost, I did quickly and blindly because I was so devoted to my self-destruction and my self-criticism had reached it's most skewed.

    In effect I had become so broken-minded that the more I lost, the less difference I thought I was making.

    Honestly, I feel really sad for you, but equally I feel scared for you too; there is the possibility your ED is reaching one of it's worst points.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    how can i loose weight when iv been binging though? the scales must be wrong surely?
    i know i need to loose weight
    Spoiler:
    Show
    i thought i was 18stone, but it said im 16stone, so dont say "no you dont", because i do

    but i dont even know how its possible. its proper messed with my head
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So i was really happy, then i weighed myself and my bmi is 19.7 Yesterday was the worst day of my life
    I have never been this fat and heavy in my entire life, i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

    I'm now on a 1200 calorie diet until i achieve a bmi of 17.5, learning that i have a bmi of 19.7 has changed who i am
    it's given me a wake up call. I need to get my priorities right or i'm just going to get heavier and heavier. From now on, i'm going to say no whenever i'm offered or tempted to eat something with a high calorie content because of my 'health' and disgustingly huge body mass.
    How is anyone expected to respond to this? This does nothing but to give a very triggering statement. It's obvious you need help, but you appear to be in a mindset where you're unwilling to accept it, so why are you posting things like this on a forum that is meant to encourage others to recover and give support?
    You need to speak to somebody but you also need to WANT to recover. If you were admitting your struggles but also asking for help I'm sure you'd find some encouragement here. Do you want to get better?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    How is anyone expected to respond to this? This does nothing but to give a very triggering statement. It's obvious you need help, but you appear to be in a mindset where you're unwilling to accept it, so why are you posting things like this on a forum that is meant to encourage others to recover and give support?
    You need to speak to somebody but you also need to WANT to recover. If you were admitting your struggles but also asking for help I'm sure you'd find some encouragement here. Do you want to get better?
    I'm quite sure it's just a really tasteless troll, m'dear.

    It's made even more infuriating to see people still making senselessly, tastelessly triggering post on a mental illness board by the fact yesterday I was informed one of the young girls that attends my focus group has been hospitalised for critical kidney failure, and she was BMI of around about 19 (so not what the so-called "experts" deem "critical"). She's 15 years old. FIFTEEN. Apparently she had been secretly relapsed for about a month and kept telling me that she was doing well, and I didn't even see the signs (though I only really see them every fortnight or so).

    If people could just see the damage, the heartache this causes the person and the people they're dear to, I'm sure there'd be less flippant, totally moronic trolling attempts.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    If people could just see the damage, the heartache this causes the person and the people they're dear to, I'm sure there'd be less flippant, totally moronic trolling attempts.
    Sorry to hear this, Toto The longer i'm in recovery the more angry I get at this illness and the lives it takes away from people.

    To the anon: At my low points I used to use 'pro ana' websites and they basically use the same uncensored disordered tone that you are using. Please don't get this board confused with those - we are geared towards recovery here.

    Snowy - It sounds like your disorder is just making excuses to take over you. Your boyfriends sex drive has NOTHING to do with your weight either way but your ED is trying to convince you otherwise. You're just going to have to believe us over the disorder.

    -------------------

    I am going home for Christmas in a few days time and for the first time in years I have gone 3 months without a dramatic shift in my weight. There have been many slip ups but I am quite proud of myself

    I need to stop judging and discrediting myself for the fact that my eating disorder tendencies have shifted towards binging and actually deal with it. Toto I re-read your post the other day about the weapons you need and I am actually considering getting a 2014 calender and some gold stars (though I know the gold star thing was probably metaphorical). Is that stupid? :P
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Community Assistant
    I have reached my target weight goal before Christmas. The refeeding plan is still going strong (I'm three months in now) but I obviously still have anxiety around anything which is outside of my rigid plan/schedule. If somebody suggests we eat at half 12 instead of half 1, I find it really uncomfortable. But: I get on with it. Because that's life.

    My anxiety around food is decreasing (I know longer have intense guilt after a normal meal but some shame still lingers) but my body dismorphia is getting worse. I'm convinced I'm big despite everybody telling me I look "so much better". Hopefully it won't last, but who knows?

    Something I've noticed is that when I was at my absolute lowest I was determined to leave this disorder behind me. As I continue to recover, I've noticed that there's a part of me which INEXCUSABLY still holds onto it. I don't know why...maybe a part of me thinks it makes me special? It's all BS. I'm just continuing recovering in the hope that, as my body gets more healthy, so does my mind. That's all I can hope for right now.

    Wishing you all a VERY Merry Christmas.
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So i was really happy, then i weighed myself and my bmi is 19.7 Yesterday was the worst day of my life
    I have never been this fat and heavy in my entire life, i have never felt this bad in my entire life.

    I'm now on a 1200 calorie diet until i achieve a bmi of 17.5, learning that i have a bmi of 19.7 has changed who i am
    it's given me a wake up call. I need to get my priorities right or i'm just going to get heavier and heavier. From now on, i'm going to say no whenever i'm offered or tempted to eat something with a high calorie content because of my 'health' and disgustingly huge body mass.
    Ugh. I'd actually eaten really well these last two days and I came on here to talk about how well I was doing and then I saw this. Well thanks anon...

    Spoiler:
    Show
    It brought back all those memories of my BMI being 18.6 and desperately trying to get it to 18.5, which was the lowest I could be whilst still excusing it as "healthy" and refusing to accept I had a problem


    so now I feel absolutely awful. Thanks anon.
    (Original post by Cinnie)

    Snowy - It sounds like your disorder is just making excuses to take over you. Your boyfriends sex drive has NOTHING to do with your weight either way but your ED is trying to convince you otherwise. You're just going to have to believe us over the disorder.
    See the thing is... I know this I really do. But it's so hard to ignore the ED, as I'm sure you all know. Is been doing so well this week but I'm not so sure now
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    ^moi
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Hi, I've been absent for a while... I don't really know what to say or why im back here writing again.
    I just lost a lot of weight at uni.. and I know after the pressure of being at home and having to eat and January with all its focus on gyms and diets, im going to lose more.
    A tiny part of me, I guess the prt that's writing this is screaming for help.. but the bigger part of me doesn't care that I plan to and is even looking forward to self destructing when I go back for term 2
    I dnt know what im doing :'(
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Here's a post I'm going to make that's not flippant, not self-indulgent, not smarmy, nothing. It's basically me speaking as me, not the Toto that has experienced start-to-finish the ED experience.

    Every single day I experience people that are so full of self-doubt. These people are so, so absorbed in their own arbitrary experiences that they forget what it is to be.... a person.

    We are all flawed. We are all full of incredible pain. Some people use spite. Some people use apathy. We use self-harm. This is who we are.

    The fact is, when you distil it down to the base level, we are all just punishing ourselves for our own weaknesses. Sometimes we think that punishment will better us. It does not.

    "If I keep kicking my own arse then surely I'll be a better person!" - but no, you won't be - you'll be a conflicted, bitter, and cruel being, and if nobody is around to accept your cruelty, you'll act upon yourself. This is why when I keep saying "isolation is the killer" I don't mean it in an idle sense. I mean that the broken mind starts to focus on certain things.

    Guys, why, WHY do you continue to hurt yourselves and enjoy it?! When I did it, It was because I was working towards a goal that made so sense. It still hurt, but I did it anyway. But why would YOU kill your organs for something? Why kill off your senses, your body, your lifeblood? I want to know.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I just can't do this anymore.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by snowyowl)
    I just can't do this anymore.
    So what? This is kill-yourself time, is it?

    I've been at this point too. Life is too terrible to carry on.

    Do you want to die today for an incredibly broken mind? Are you willing to end it here, knowing that some parasite killed you off?

    That's your call. I for one, fought it. But hey, if you'd ether indulge fatal fantasy .. Your call.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Urgh binging alot atm, and it will just get worse over the xmas period, i thought my meds were meant to help this :sad:


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Here's a post I'm going to make that's not flippant, not self-indulgent, not smarmy, nothing. It's basically me speaking as me, not the Toto that has experienced start-to-finish the ED experience.

    Every single day I experience people that are so full of self-doubt. These people are so, so absorbed in their own arbitrary experiences that they forget what it is to be.... a person.

    We are all flawed. We are all full of incredible pain. Some people use spite. Some people use apathy. We use self-harm. This is who we are.

    The fact is, when you distil it down to the base level, we are all just punishing ourselves for our own weaknesses. Sometimes we think that punishment will better us. It does not.

    "If I keep kicking my own arse then surely I'll be a better person!" - but no, you won't be - you'll be a conflicted, bitter, and cruel being, and if nobody is around to accept your cruelty, you'll act upon yourself. This is why when I keep saying "isolation is the killer" I don't mean it in an idle sense. I mean that the broken mind starts to focus on certain things.

    Guys, why, WHY do you continue to hurt yourselves and enjoy it?! When I did it, It was because I was working towards a goal that made so sense. It still hurt, but I did it anyway. But why would YOU kill your organs for something? Why kill off your senses, your body, your lifeblood? I want to know.
    Toto you sound just like my dad…wiser than I give credit for :P

    Definitely can relate to this, the idea 'if I hurt myself enough, I'll become better'. I'm just really competitive from growing up with some very talented siblings. Never seems to work.
    Fortunately no longer with food in the same way, but the same battle plays in my head every other day.


    _______

    Girlfriend failed her driving test. Worried about her because she's not talking to me, and I want to know she's alright. Often she shuts herself off from the world when she's feeling low or took a blow. Not sure what to do.
    Unfortunately the feelings of being inferior to her/possibly her getting bored and seeking another friend for support came into play as well, a bit selfish. I want absolute certainty which I can never have of how someone else is thinking/feeling and that's why being in love is so terribly scary.

    I want to make sure she has a happy Christmas.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by snowyowl)
    We've had the discussion plenty of times - he just says it's nothing to do with me, and that he still fancies me, but his sex drive is just low. Sometimes when I'm feeling low though my min says to me "what if he's lying to make you feel better? What if he secretly wishes you were slimmer?"
    Snowy, I don't know whether this is of any help, but from a man to a woman…my girl thinks she's 'fat and ugly' (deliberate inverted commas), and she's freaking hot in my eyes, but I couldn't get my mojo fully on when I wanted to on my birthday, but that's because despite my bravado I was just as scared and insecure as her. I get quite anxious about my sex drive being low in my opinion, which may or may not be true, but worrying about it just makes it worse.
    Anyway, my point is you're more than good enough for your guy as you are, never forget that
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    It's a very embarrassing prospect, to head-on notice the things that cripple me inside.

    . It takes a lot of pride to carry on regardless. Xxx
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    So what? This is kill-yourself time, is it?

    I've been at this point too. Life is too terrible to carry on.

    Do you want to die today for an incredibly broken mind? Are you willing to end it here, knowing that some parasite killed you off?

    That's your call. I for one, fought it. But hey, if you'd ether indulge fatal fantasy .. Your call.
    No, I'm not going to do that. I've been that low before and I was (luckily) talked out of it by a friend. I might be at a low point but I'm not that l'm not that low just yet.

    I'm just... I'm sick and tired of the dominating voice in my mind constantly banging on about food. That's all it boils down to - food being the main thought on my mind. How much I've eaten, how can I eat less without being hungry, why have I allowed myself to eat so much, can I persuade my partner to allow me to skip dinner... It's constant and it's so exhausting. To be honest, I don't think 5 minutes go by without at least one thought about my food-related inadequacies.

    It doesn't help that it's Christmas, and working in a preschool means all the parents of our children have brought chocolates in for us - so they've been out in the staff area, tempting me, and sad to say I've eaten a few... Which just fuels the guilt.

    I just need to break the cycle, because it's wearing me out more than my anaemia is.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Snowy, I don't know whether this is of any help, but from a man to a woman…my girl thinks she's 'fat and ugly' (deliberate inverted commas), and she's freaking hot in my eyes, but I couldn't get my mojo fully on when I wanted to on my birthday, but that's because despite my bravado I was just as scared and insecure as her. I get quite anxious about my sex drive being low in my opinion, which may or may not be true, but worrying about it just makes it worse.
    Anyway, my point is you're more than good enough for your guy as you are, never forget that
    He fully admits he has a low sex drive, and it does bother him a lot. I know this and yet I still worry it's so irrational.
    • #132
    #132

    I'm going to go to the doctors when I'm back at uni after xmas. About this, the anxiety, the panic attacks and the days where I just cannot get out of bed...

    I'm not going willingly, I'm being dragged, and blackmailed with a large coffee from Costa over it.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.