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    • #122
    #122

    I havent purged for around three weeks now. Im so proud of myself because ive barely had to actually restrain myself from doing it. I thought my visit home would be awful with everybody secretly commenting on how I look and how I look disgusting and fat. To my surprise, every single person has told me I look really well. It means so much and has really started to restore my confidence. To top it off, one of the cutest guys I went to college with kissed me last night. Might finally be my time to get my life back on track! Merry Christmas everyone. X
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm going to go to the doctors when I'm back at uni after xmas. About this, the anxiety, the panic attacks and the days where I just cannot get out of bed...

    I'm not going willingly, I'm being dragged, and blackmailed with a large coffee from Costa over it.
    Trust me, my dear friend, in the long run, you will kiss, cuddle and forever love your friend for doing what they've done. You'll forever adore your dragging pal - this is what happened to me in the end. This guy who apparently wanted to "screw me up" actually opened the gateway to making me healthy!


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I havent purged for around three weeks now. Im so proud of myself because ive barely had to actually restrain myself from doing it. I thought my visit home would be awful with everybody secretly commenting on how I look and how I look disgusting and fat. To my surprise, every single person has told me I look really well. It means so much and has really started to restore my confidence. To top it off, one of the cutest guys I went to college with kissed me last night. Might finally be my time to get my life back on track! Merry Christmas everyone. X

    Congratulations. Now you know what it's like to live a life without constant self-harm. People start to see you bettering yourself and think, "this is a person that really wants to be better in life!!! I think that's hot!" because, well, it IS. People that see their flaws and kick the sh** out of them are really the best type of human, no matter WHO they are. I'm attracted to that, you're attracted to that, we ALL are. "Death to weakness" is one thing, but knowing you were never weak, but rather, just WRONG - but ACCEPTING you were wrong, and not weak - people dig that. I dig that. "I thought I was sh**, but it turns out that I just thought the things I thought were sh** were incorrect all along" is far, FAR (and I can't stress enough HOW far) more attractive than a girl constantly asking, "am I right, am I almost there? Will I ever get there? will I get there and want to be someone else?!"

    The girl simply says, "I am wrong. Turns out I am a strange shape, but it turns out further that the strange shape I am is interesting, exotic, memorable, desirable, adorable, and utterly irresistible."

    Then imagine this person STILL says, "Nah, still want to get skinnier to look like a rake. Cheers for that, though, that's gone from my mind, time to get GHOULISH!"
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    Yet again very little to do with food but I've just gone through another evening of beating the crap out of myself inside because I thought it's weak to get sleep,e specially if people ask you to go places. The latter I can partly understand, it's sacrificing some of your needs for the sake of the friendship, but when it's just you home alone wanting to go bed? Why, why, why is it even a big deal?

    I'm going to bed. **** this cycle, I'm breaking it. And i hope you all do over Christmas all my love X
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    Hi, I've never posted here before but I'm really struggling. :/
    I'm struggling from anorexia and I'm not really coping very well at all :/ Hate Christmas time! Having to spend time and seeing family and everything and people telling me I look 'well' makes me feel like I'm failing
    I've been struggling for just under 6 years now and since September have been seeing someone about everything because I just want to be normal again and not deal with this. Since seeing this therapist though and having to put everything under a microscope, I feel everything's just getting messy and out of control and everything's just going to pot and not getting better
    Also, really struggling with my girlfriend at the moment, she doesn't understand how much I'm trying not to be a massive b*tch but I'm just failing so miserably and I want to tell her I'm really trying my best to control everything and not be such a massive mess at the moment but I'm just not doing well :'(
    I don't really know what to do and I don't know what response I'll get but something's better than nothing, eh?!
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    I've noticed that the last two days where I've eaten as much as I liked without caring, I've gone to bed and woken up feeling really sick. It doesn't happen when I limit my food intake somewhat. Is my body trying to tell me to stop eating? I do think my stomach is linked to my thoughts as whenever I used to have a really bad couple of days for feeling low about my weight, I used to get accompanying stomach pains
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    I really hope everybody has a great Christmas Day. We've all got our problems and hurdles to climb, but it's one day of the year (more than any other) which is centered around love. Spend the day with people you love and realise how beautiful everything can be when it falls into place.
    • #122
    #122

    Wishing everybody a very Merry Christmas. Thank you for your continued love and support which has made me realise that change is possible. Xx
    • #81
    #81

    Hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas.

    This tmblr post popped up on my feed which really resonated with me so I felt like sharing.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Anonymous : You can get down to that low bmi that you want. But why. Seriously just why? It will not make you happy, it won't even make your eating disorder happy. So what is the reason?

    elizabeth-avenged: You can throw logic at an eating disorder all you want, friend. I can guarantee you can’t tell me anything I already know.

    ohanniepo: Shoutout to all my tumblr peeps who are highly logical in all areas except their eating disorder.

    ----

    If only our mental disorders were rational! (Then we wouldn’t have any!)

    Emotions and feelings aren’t rational. We don’t decide to love someone just because on paper they’d make the most rational choice for a partner. It doesn’t work that way. Anxiety disorders are by definition anxieties that are discordant with reality, and a lot of people who have anxiety disorders are aware of that, too. I would’ve admitted that failing a test probably didn’t mean I’d end up homeless and jobless, but that doesn’t mean those thoughts didn’t keep churning around in my head. It takes more than just knowing to assuage the anxiety.

    If eating disorders could be cured by logic then ****, I’d be done with this bull**** about 5 hours after I realized I probably had anorexia nervosa.

    For ****s sakes, I’ve been maintaining a healthy weight for a good amount of time now, and eating a healthy amount and even after months and months of this, with variable exercise and variable food intake but still a fairly stable weight, I sometimes still get anxious that I’m eating too much and will gain weight uncontrollably. And this is after months of daily experience that suggests otherwise!

    I used to be very ashamed of having an eating for the very reason that it was just so illogical and irrational and I was, generally, a rational person. I value science, skepticism, and critical thinking a lot. I mean I’ve freaking gone to science and skepticism conferences and the only podcasts I listen to are skeptic podcasts (Rationally Speaking, Skeptics with a K, used to listen to Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, etc). I felt like a fraud. But I wasn’t. Feelings, emotions, and anxieties are not rational. That doesn’t mean we can’t overcome them and it doesn’t mean we can’t learn to behave and react in more rational and logical ways. I now know that I have to eat a certain amount to maintain a certain weight, so I behave accordingly, but it doesn’t mean I don’t experience anxiety over it from time to time. And it took a long time to get here. Recovery is a long process, and many people experience long periods of time where they don’t ****ing care to or want to recover.

    I’m not promoting disordered eating behaviours, but I don’t think telling people that their behaviours are illogical is a particularly fruitful way to promote the desire to recover. And I agree with ohanniepo. Shout-out to all the highly logical and rational people with eating disorders and other mental health issues! (That’s like 70% of my friends haha.)


    Also, they also posted a survey on their blog. It's anonymous and any work towards ed research can only be a good thing.

    Take care of yourselves.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas.

    This tmblr post popped up on my feed which really resonated with me so I felt like sharing.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Anonymous : You can get down to that low bmi that you want. But why. Seriously just why? It will not make you happy, it won't even make your eating disorder happy. So what is the reason?

    elizabeth-avenged: You can throw logic at an eating disorder all you want, friend. I can guarantee you can’t tell me anything I already know.

    ohanniepo: Shoutout to all my tumblr peeps who are highly logical in all areas except their eating disorder.

    ----

    If only our mental disorders were rational! (Then we wouldn’t have any!)

    Emotions and feelings aren’t rational. We don’t decide to love someone just because on paper they’d make the most rational choice for a partner. It doesn’t work that way. Anxiety disorders are by definition anxieties that are discordant with reality, and a lot of people who have anxiety disorders are aware of that, too. I would’ve admitted that failing a test probably didn’t mean I’d end up homeless and jobless, but that doesn’t mean those thoughts didn’t keep churning around in my head. It takes more than just knowing to assuage the anxiety.

    If eating disorders could be cured by logic then ****, I’d be done with this bull**** about 5 hours after I realized I probably had anorexia nervosa.

    For ****s sakes, I’ve been maintaining a healthy weight for a good amount of time now, and eating a healthy amount and even after months and months of this, with variable exercise and variable food intake but still a fairly stable weight, I sometimes still get anxious that I’m eating too much and will gain weight uncontrollably. And this is after months of daily experience that suggests otherwise!

    I used to be very ashamed of having an eating for the very reason that it was just so illogical and irrational and I was, generally, a rational person. I value science, skepticism, and critical thinking a lot. I mean I’ve freaking gone to science and skepticism conferences and the only podcasts I listen to are skeptic podcasts (Rationally Speaking, Skeptics with a K, used to listen to Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, etc). I felt like a fraud. But I wasn’t. Feelings, emotions, and anxieties are not rational. That doesn’t mean we can’t overcome them and it doesn’t mean we can’t learn to behave and react in more rational and logical ways. I now know that I have to eat a certain amount to maintain a certain weight, so I behave accordingly, but it doesn’t mean I don’t experience anxiety over it from time to time. And it took a long time to get here. Recovery is a long process, and many people experience long periods of time where they don’t ****ing care to or want to recover.

    I’m not promoting disordered eating behaviours, but I don’t think telling people that their behaviours are illogical is a particularly fruitful way to promote the desire to recover. And I agree with ohanniepo. Shout-out to all the highly logical and rational people with eating disorders and other mental health issues! (That’s like 70% of my friends haha.)


    Also, they also posted a survey on their blog. It's anonymous and any work towards ed research can only be a good thing.

    Take care of yourselves.
    Survey = completed.

    Thanks for sharing.
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    What a truly awe-inspiring last few posts. You should be proud of your mindsets and general demeanour towards Christmas and family time. This is something to celebrate, and to be celebrating is part of our humanity! It's what makes us... us - people. Individuals. Revelling, eating, drinking, watching films together, playing games, having a great time.

    I am personally in a good mood. Two of my focus group who struggled last Christmas are, this Christmas, texting me to say they ate their entire Christmas dinner, and they LOVED it! Of course you loved it, ya dafties, it's amazing!!

    But in all seriousness it's a big deal to me - these are people that last year were frightened to eat a simple meal - fearing they'd never experience Christmas properly again.



    The further from anorexia nervosa you get, my friends, the easier it becomes. You accept who you are more. It's no longer about extremes. BMI 21-22-23? Well, heck, I could be any of those. Those are normal. I can enjoy Christmas and any other awesome celebration. I have leeway. I have anything I want. At BMI of 19, you always live on the cusp. On the edge of normality. Clinging to a stupid ideal that does you so much harm.

    This is the season to be jolly, but the happiness should not end. You should apply the things you feel to every day of your life - find one thing you love, and do it every single day. And if that thing is starving yourself, I respectfully ask you to reassess and rethink!
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    So, I haven't posted on this thread for a while. A lot has changed these past few months (in a very positive way)... But now I've hit a new dilemma and need a bit of help (to do with weight restoration/bmi etc)

    Anyway, for the update (and the dilemma):
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Anorexia led to me being sectioned; at the time I didn't understand but now I realize (and accept it was what I needed). It is the best thing that has happened to me and has potentially saved my life.

    Since then I have gained over 14kg and I'm reaching a healthy weight. The unit wants me to get to a BMI of around 20 to be healthy... but I've never had a BMI that high. Pre-ed it was around 18.5. So now I'm torn between maintaining at the 18.5 mark or going to the 20 mark like they're saying. It's really frustrating and confusing; and being on a section doesn't help because I'm not in control of at what point I can leave...

    Also, one last thing - I can now say with absolute confidence that recovery is definitely worth it. I'm on home-leave for christmas and managed a Christmas dinner for the first time in two years
    Although they're still there, the anorexic cognitions are less intense and I feel less obsessive. Physically it is amazing having so much energy, and somehow I wonder how I managed before without food... Such a difference two months can have

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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    So, I haven't posted on this thread for a while. A lot has changed these past few months (in a very positive way)... But now I've hit a new dilemma and need a bit of help (to do with weight restoration/bmi etc)

    Anyway, for the update (and the dilemma):
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Anorexia led to me being sectioned; at the time I didn't understand but now I realize (and accept it was what I needed). It is the best thing that has happened to me and has potentially saved my life.

    Since then I have gained over 14kg and I'm reaching a healthy weight. The unit wants me to get to a BMI of around 20 to be healthy... but I've never had a BMI that high. Pre-ed it was around 18.5. So now I'm torn between maintaining at the 18.5 mark or going to the 20 mark like they're saying. It's really frustrating and confusing; and being on a section doesn't help because I'm not in control of at what point I can leave...

    Also, one last thing - I can now say with absolute confidence that recovery is definitely worth it. I'm on home-leave for christmas and managed a Christmas dinner for the first time in two years
    Although they're still there, the anorexic cognitions are less intense and I feel less obsessive. Physically it is amazing having so much energy, and somehow I wonder how I managed before without food... Such a difference two months can have

    Porridge, I am not just saying this - I am absolutely GUSHING with pride right now. Something about massive recovery stories makes me feel warm with love and glow with pride.

    What you've done might give you a life again. Imagine a life that's not just about food, calories and intake!! A life about work, friends, family, success and children, a life about excitement, spontaneity, intrigue! A lot is frightening. That is life, though. That's what life's all about. Something blindsides you and you react. That's the exciting bit!

    I have nothing but true pride for you now. You earned that. And your doubts are okay - I understand this. I mentioned before "being on the cusp". It's the act of being on the "edge of healthy" but refusing to move beyond it. The truth is, you are trying to retain the very last bit of your eating disorder. You desperately want to hold on to the last bit that makes you especially "too skinny".

    When I ask my group "what is great about being skinny?" They always say, "Models are skinny" or "I get attention because I look ill". Both are reasons indicating you want attention.

    Do you not think you'll get more attention, the best attention, the most amazing attention - by being a sexy, healthy, super-intriguing person? Why try to attract or entice a person... why try to retain or endear a person - by being outrageously unhealthy?! "If I keep staying outlandishly unwell, I'll get attention!" Yes, you'll get that attention, but it'll be like a nurse attends a field patient. If you were healthy and endearing, your attention will be due to attraction, interest in your intellect, and overall enthusiasm in your spirit!

    Keep going my honey-dear, you have made me so, so proud.
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    Just thought I'd contribute something to this thread.

    I was bullied in school by a group of girls for 3 years, I was physically, mentally and verbally bullied for 3 years. Between the daily abuse I received, and the lack of support I received from teachers I eventually had to leave. The vice principal of pastoral care called me her "psychological project" and when I tried to admit to her my worries about how I looked she told me to "snap out of it" and "get myself together."

    After a long time of suffering with anorexia and being removed from school I was seen by a psychiatrist who immediately sent me to an adolescent mental health unit. I was absolutely traumatised when they introduced me to food again, to the extent where I became so physically ill I had to be referred to a hospital to be tube fed.

    It took me a long time to make any form of improvement but eventually after a long struggle I managed to get out of the clinic. I'm much better now, but refuse to weigh myself and struggle daily with my appearance which can be unbearable to deal with! Particularly as it makes me feel like I shouldn't be allowed to wear particular clothes! Although I'm hoping that one day I'll build more confidence to get through it


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    (Original post by Molly648)
    Just thought I'd contribute something to this thread.

    I was bullied in school by a group of girls for 3 years, I was physically, mentally and verbally bullied for 3 years. Between the daily abuse I received, and the lack of support I received from teachers I eventually had to leave. The vice principal of pastoral care called me her "psychological project" and when I tried to admit to her my worries about how I looked she told me to "snap out of it" and "get myself together."

    After a long time of suffering with anorexia and being removed from school I was seen by a psychiatrist who immediately sent me to an adolescent mental health unit. I was absolutely traumatised when they introduced me to food again, to the extent where I became so physically ill I had to be referred to a hospital to be tube fed.

    It took me a long time to make any form of improvement but eventually after a long struggle I managed to get out of the clinic. I'm much better now, but refuse to weigh myself and struggle daily with my appearance which can be unbearable to deal with! Particularly as it makes me feel like I shouldn't be allowed to wear particular clothes! Although I'm hoping that one day I'll build more confidence to get through it


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    Pride and love your way!! Through a truly traumatic past you've managed to fight off some absolutely awful prejudices. You must be an immensely strong person, Molly.

    It may be many years before weight, image and shape play into your own image, but you should absolutely champion your own endeavours for how much you've boosted yourself. It's not vanity if you're merely rising from the flames of hardship!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Pride and love your way!! Through a truly traumatic past you've managed to fight off some absolutely awful prejudices. You must be an immensely strong person, Molly.

    It may be many years before weight, image and shape play into your own image, but you should absolutely champion your own endeavours for how much you've boosted yourself. It's not vanity if you're merely rising from the flames of hardship!
    Thank you so much! That post really does mean a lot to me, I appreciate it. It's hard to explain to people how anorexia makes me feel, people seem to think that if you aren't underweight then you don't have any problems anymore. I kind of like talking about it though, it helps me. I don't know, maybe that's strange though!


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    (Original post by porridgeandrhi)
    So, I haven't posted on this thread for a while. A lot has changed these past few months (in a very positive way)... But now I've hit a new dilemma and need a bit of help (to do with weight restoration/bmi etc)

    Anyway, for the update (and the dilemma):
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Anorexia led to me being sectioned; at the time I didn't understand but now I realize (and accept it was what I needed). It is the best thing that has happened to me and has potentially saved my life.

    Since then I have gained over 14kg and I'm reaching a healthy weight. The unit wants me to get to a BMI of around 20 to be healthy... but I've never had a BMI that high. Pre-ed it was around 18.5. So now I'm torn between maintaining at the 18.5 mark or going to the 20 mark like they're saying. It's really frustrating and confusing; and being on a section doesn't help because I'm not in control of at what point I can leave...

    Also, one last thing - I can now say with absolute confidence that recovery is definitely worth it. I'm on home-leave for christmas and managed a Christmas dinner for the first time in two years
    Although they're still there, the anorexic cognitions are less intense and I feel less obsessive. Physically it is amazing having so much energy, and somehow I wonder how I managed before without food... Such a difference two months can have

    Wow...thank you so much for sharing your recovery story!
    I'm sure a lot of people read this and thought, "Yeah...I want to achieve what this person has achieved too. What an inspiration to keep going."
    I certainly did.
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    Eaten way too much this week. Binged like mad on chocolate and snacks until I've felt sick every day.

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    I'm really regretting it. At my worst moments I wish I could just die what's the point in living life bouncing from eating too much and too little? I don't even know what's normal any more. Right now although I don't feel suicidal, I do feel very passive about living.
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    I've changed my diet for the better and I'm actually cooking now.
    I'm still binging though. But I'm actually getting used to nutrition. I'm hoping that the positives changes I'm making will slowly temper my problem.
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    iv decided 2014 im gonna seriously work on my weight, my boyfriend bought me just dance 2014 for xmas, and i just spent half an hour on it and actually enjoyed it, worked up a sweat, but didnt feel crap after doing it, it actually felt good, and it was fun.
    gonna start eating healthier and try to not binge :yep:
    • #122
    #122

    Christmas has passed and although I gorged far too much I accepted that, and tried to remember that everybody does it. Seeing my friends and family over the past three weeks has made me realise how lucky I am to have such caring people around me who love me for .. well, me!

    Spoiler:
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    It's coming to exam time. I always become so stressed and my purging has always massively escalated. I'm trying so so hard to control it but I find myself losing control of my revision with so much to do, the thought of failure, expectations .. ugh. So far I haven't purged .. but now I find it's filling the thoughts more of the time. Why do I think purging will make things better? :/
 
 
 
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