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    Been told i have to keep a food diary, dreading this :sad:


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    in need of some food/portion related reassurance, so i've spoilered it incase it triggers anybody (also because its quite boring to read, haha) but i don't have a dietician or anything to help me so i'm kinda wandering alone through this

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    how many weetabix would you say its normal to eat for breakfast? i've been having 3 + sugar + soya milk + fruit on the side, is this alright? too much? not enough?

    is it actually really bad to eat later in the day/evening/night? or does your body treat food the same no matter what time of day you eat?

    do you count the calories in fruit and veg? i can just about not count for veg but fruit i absolutely have to count, because its so sugary

    do any of you guys have issues hoarding food? like, not hiding it or saving it for binges or anything, just... collecting it. i've been collecting cereal bars and chocolate bars for a while now - but i have no intention of binging on them and i was never going to eat them - i literally just buy them to add to the collection...


    in other news, my spring break is going exactly how i predicted it would go, aka really badly. i've been restricting and the obsessive food thoughts have taken over my mind and i just can't shake this feeling of never being 'enough'
    • #43
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    My Dad'a bought 7 pies for us this week or for next and it's making me uncomfortable. Not including tonight's pie. I think they'd be happier if I binge ate so that's what I'm doing behind their backs. I'm also gicing up exercise because they'd be happier kf I don't
    • #175
    #175

    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    in need of some food/portion related reassurance, so i've spoilered it incase it triggers anybody (also because its quite boring to read, haha) but i don't have a dietician or anything to help me so i'm kinda wandering alone through this

    Spoiler:
    Show
    how many weetabix would you say its normal to eat for breakfast? i've been having 3 + sugar + soya milk + fruit on the side, is this alright? too much? not enough?

    is it actually really bad to eat later in the day/evening/night? or does your body treat food the same no matter what time of day you eat?

    do you count the calories in fruit and veg? i can just about not count for veg but fruit i absolutely have to count, because its so sugary

    do any of you guys have issues hoarding food? like, not hiding it or saving it for binges or anything, just... collecting it. i've been collecting cereal bars and chocolate bars for a while now - but i have no intention of binging on them and i was never going to eat them - i literally just buy them to add to the collection...


    in other news, my spring break is going exactly how i predicted it would go, aka really badly. i've been restricting and the obsessive food thoughts have taken over my mind and i just can't shake this feeling of never being 'enough'

    Hi there. I think the breakfast sounds perfect - balanced and nutritious. as for fruit, I count it, veg not really or minimal. but I am tryinbg to get into the habit of not counting calories as I think it hinders recovery and is not 'normal'. not quite at this point yet though! it is a vicious circle - when you restrict you think more about food and weight, and when you think more about food and weight you restrict more.....
    hope your spring break improves
    x
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    in need of some food/portion related reassurance, so i've spoilered it incase it triggers anybody (also because its quite boring to read, haha) but i don't have a dietician or anything to help me so i'm kinda wandering alone through this

    Spoiler:
    Show
    how many weetabix would you say its normal to eat for breakfast? i've been having 3 + sugar + soya milk + fruit on the side, is this alright? too much? not enough?

    is it actually really bad to eat later in the day/evening/night? or does your body treat food the same no matter what time of day you eat?

    do you count the calories in fruit and veg? i can just about not count for veg but fruit i absolutely have to count, because its so sugary

    do any of you guys have issues hoarding food? like, not hiding it or saving it for binges or anything, just... collecting it. i've been collecting cereal bars and chocolate bars for a while now - but i have no intention of binging on them and i was never going to eat them - i literally just buy them to add to the collection...


    in other news, my spring break is going exactly how i predicted it would go, aka really badly. i've been restricting and the obsessive food thoughts have taken over my mind and i just can't shake this feeling of never being 'enough'
    I'm currently 'collecting' fruit/green/ flavoured black teas. I have somewhere in the order of 21 different flavours atm. I am slowly drinking them. It has got to a point where I was stood infront of the tea bit in Waitrose on Sunday, and my friend did yell down the aisle 'No, you are NOT buying any more, you have enough!!' Got funny looks for that....

    Was looking on my local ED support group's website for their support group sessions that don't take place at the uni's within the city. Found the ED referal pathway that the NHS trust uses.
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    because of the fact this is a relapse, this 'episode' has lasted 6 months or more, and i'm physically falling to bits, (I get horrific cramp in my legs - and sometimes arms as well; a friend is almost certain it's caused by low potassium) I apparently have a severe ED. So I'm a bit like, oops...
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Heya, well done for seeing your GP first, that's not easy to do. I think you need to either ask your GP specifically to help you reduce the laxatives, or to make an appointment with another GP because abusing laxatives can do a lot of harm to you and it does need dealing with, weight is irrelevant to that.

    Can you identify anything in particular that's contributed to making your ED worse recently?

    Wish I could say more to help re. the referral, but I'm sorry it's going to take that long, it really does suck sometimes with the amount of time it can take to receive help when you're asking for help and can feel yourself getting worse.

    Try to ignore those thoughts about going back to uni having lost weight though - is that really worth more than the opportunity of going back to uni being healthy and happy and ready to enjoy it?
    yeah, i actually do want to stop taking them, because i do know that every day i keep on taking them, i'm doing more damage to my body, but in reality, the guilt of not taking them is far harder to deal with than the guilt of hurting myself. they let me eat :/

    no specific trigger really, other than this feeling that i'm not going to be taken seriously because i'm not underweight (and so i should lose weight in order to get treatment) which is completely reckless - plus i still have yet to let go of the 'skinny is beautiful' mindset

    it's just annoying, because i know the referral will come through for a date during the summer break, so i'll have to phone up and reschedule it, which will probably mean i won't see anybody till autumn/early winter

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi there. I think the breakfast sounds perfect - balanced and nutritious. as for fruit, I count it, veg not really or minimal. but I am tryinbg to get into the habit of not counting calories as I think it hinders recovery and is not 'normal'. not quite at this point yet though! it is a vicious circle - when you restrict you think more about food and weight, and when you think more about food and weight you restrict more.....
    hope your spring break improves
    x
    i had thought about stopping counting calories, but it's such an automatic behaviour, it feels impossible to stop - especially given that i basically have a database of food and numbers in my head! last summer i swear i could recite off the contents of the whole fridge. thankfully i cant do that any more, but you get what i'm saying
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    yeah, i actually do want to stop taking them, because i do know that every day i keep on taking them, i'm doing more damage to my body, but in reality, the guilt of not taking them is far harder to deal with than the guilt of hurting myself. they let me eat :/

    no specific trigger really, other than this feeling that i'm not going to be taken seriously because i'm not underweight (and so i should lose weight in order to get treatment) which is completely reckless - plus i still have yet to let go of the 'skinny is beautiful' mindset

    it's just annoying, because i know the referral will come through for a date during the summer break, so i'll have to phone up and reschedule it, which will probably mean i won't see anybody till autumn/early winter



    i had thought about stopping counting calories, but it's such an automatic behaviour, it feels impossible to stop - especially given that i basically have a database of food and numbers in my head! last summer i swear i could recite off the contents of the whole fridge. thankfully i cant do that any more, but you get what i'm saying
    I can relate to pretty much all of that - especially the guilt thing, I am having the same issue. The guilt of eating is more unbearable at the moment than the guilt of what I'm doing to myself. Have you managed to speak to anyone again about getting some help to stop? I know it's easier said than done, but try as hard as you can to ignore the 'not underweight enough' thoughts - you can be seriously at risk healthwise without being underweight.

    Can relate to the issues with appointments too, I had similar problems at uni. Are there any self-help groups or anything run by your university that you could try out?

    I've got my referral through from a team called SEDCAS today - the Severe Eating Disorder Consultation and Assessment Service, they've given me an appointment for Friday. I'm terrified they'll say I'm fine and don't need their help - their service is apparently for people at serious risk of being admitted to inpatient, and I'm really nowhere near that stage. They've asked me to phone my GP tomorrow and book an ECG too, it all just feels like I'm completely overreacting. But hopefully they can either help, or the general mental health team can help. So scared about Friday though.
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    I can relate to pretty much all of that - especially the guilt thing, I am having the same issue. The guilt of eating is more unbearable at the moment than the guilt of what I'm doing to myself. Have you managed to speak to anyone again about getting some help to stop? I know it's easier said than done, but try as hard as you can to ignore the 'not underweight enough' thoughts - you can be seriously at risk healthwise without being underweight.

    Can relate to the issues with appointments too, I had similar problems at uni. Are there any self-help groups or anything run by your university that you could try out?

    I've got my referral through from a team called SEDCAS today - the Severe Eating Disorder Consultation and Assessment Service, they've given me an appointment for Friday. I'm terrified they'll say I'm fine and don't need their help - their service is apparently for people at serious risk of being admitted to inpatient, and I'm really nowhere near that stage. They've asked me to phone my GP tomorrow and book an ECG too, it all just feels like I'm completely overreacting. But hopefully they can either help, or the general mental health team can help. So scared about Friday though.
    my next doctors appointment is next week, so i'll bring it up again, but i think she might just increase my meds and leave it at that :/ i think maybe she just wants to get the depression under control in the hopes that that will somehow decrease the ED at the same time, but i'm not really sure :/ my meds definitely need to be increased, but it's so hard to accept that i have a problem when the medical professionals won't accept it either...

    well, i'm currently seeing a uni counsellor, which has been quite helpful, and we're stepping up my appointments to once a week, for a bit of extra support, at least until i get seen by the hospital - by the sounds of it, my doc thinks i'll definitely get taken on by the hospital rather than just discharged back to my gp, because i get horrible anxiety to the point where i break down and have panic attacks and can't bear to leave my house there is a depression/anxiety student group and an eating disorders student group at my uni, but i go to a really tiny uni where everybody basically knows everybody, and only one person in my friendship group knows about my problems so i'd get really paranoid about going there - plus i have a tendency to constantly compare myself to other people, which i cant imagine will good for me in terms of accepting i need help.

    awww sweetie, its so great that theyre moving so fast with you though, obviously they want to help, if they thought you were fine, you wouldn't have been referred to them. you know as well as i do that our minds can skew us to think we arent 'sick enough' to warrant this - but in reality, healthy people never wish to be sicker, so it is a sign of being sick that we don't think we are sick enough for so much help. if you want, you can let me know via private message how the appointment goes?
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    I've got my referral through from a team called SEDCAS today - the Severe Eating Disorder Consultation and Assessment Service, they've given me an appointment for Friday. I'm terrified they'll say I'm fine and don't need their help - their service is apparently for people at serious risk of being admitted to inpatient, and I'm really nowhere near that stage. They've asked me to phone my GP tomorrow and book an ECG too, it all just feels like I'm completely overreacting. But hopefully they can either help, or the general mental health team can help. So scared about Friday though.
    SEDCAS also provides community and outpatient support, generally attempting to aggregate resources to help before you get to the inpatient stage Don't be too nervous, they can be pretty terrific. And they will realise the 'signs' of your likelyhood of getting to that stage and want to help! Good luck with it.

    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    my next doctors appointment is next week, so i'll bring it up again, but i think she might just increase my meds and leave it at that :/ i think maybe she just wants to get the depression under control in the hopes that that will somehow decrease the ED at the same time, but i'm not really sure :/ my meds definitely need to be increased, but it's so hard to accept that i have a problem when the medical professionals won't accept it either...

    well, i'm currently seeing a uni counsellor, which has been quite helpful, and we're stepping up my appointments to once a week, for a bit of extra support, at least until i get seen by the hospital - by the sounds of it, my doc thinks i'll definitely get taken on by the hospital rather than just discharged back to my gp, because i get horrible anxiety to the point where i break down and have panic attacks and can't bear to leave my house there is a depression/anxiety student group and an eating disorders student group at my uni, but i go to a really tiny uni where everybody basically knows everybody, and only one person in my friendship group knows about my problems so i'd get really paranoid about going there - plus i have a tendency to constantly compare myself to other people, which i cant imagine will good for me in terms of accepting i need help.

    awww sweetie, its so great that theyre moving so fast with you though, obviously they want to help, if they thought you were fine, you wouldn't have been referred to them. you know as well as i do that our minds can skew us to think we arent 'sick enough' to warrant this - but in reality, healthy people never wish to be sicker, so it is a sign of being sick that we don't think we are sick enough for so much help. if you want, you can let me know via private message how the appointment goes?
    Do you prefer personal questions here or in pm? Was gonna ask medications and stats details. Your GP isn't the only way to get a referral! As I said, here or pm or personal questions?
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    (Original post by samba)
    Do you prefer personal questions here or in pm? Was gonna ask medications and stats details. Your GP isn't the only way to get a referral! As I said, here or pm or personal questions?
    here's fine - nobody knows who i am on this account plus it might be of help to somebody who comes here looking for advice

    to start off with though, i'm currently on 20mg citalopram daily, and 40mg propanolol for exam/assessment situations - but i want to increase the citalopram to at least 30mg, and start to think about maybe a daily dose of a beta blocker for the anxiety.
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    here's fine - nobody knows who i am on this account plus it might be of help to somebody who comes here looking for advice

    to start off with though, i'm currently on 20mg citalopram daily, and 40mg propanolol for exam/assessment situations - but i want to increase the citalopram to at least 30mg, and start to think about maybe a daily dose of a beta blocker for the anxiety.
    who are you, i demand to know!!!!!

    I'd definitely say increasing your citalopram to 30mg would be np, especially if you're not suffering the side affects some do, perhaps even 40. An important thing is to make your doctor understand how the comorbidities interlink. Some GP's can be pretty dense about it, but if you explain your ed issues are affecting your confidence and trust in yourself, which snowballs into anxiety and depression, and also vice versa, how the depression snowballs your ed due to feelings of worthlessness, image, and wanting to vanish it can help. It needs tackled of multiple levels, your gp can't just give you pills and hope the ed vanishes. what's your height/weight and what was it 6 months ago? You're 22~ aye? What are you doing for yourself to try and keep things under control? (really difficult I know, but there's value both actual and psychological to being able to make steps). It can be really helpful from a point of view of self worth.

    It's so cliche, but think of it as little building blocks, every one you put on it one more that needs knocked off before you hit rock bottom. Loads of stuff you're unable to control, but if you can grasp at the strings of the little pieces you are it can make a big difference!
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Heya, well done for seeing your GP first, that's not easy to do. I think you need to either ask your GP specifically to help you reduce the laxatives, or to make an appointment with another GP because abusing laxatives can do a lot of harm to you and it does need dealing with, weight is irrelevant to that.

    Can you identify anything in particular that's contributed to making your ED worse recently?

    Wish I could say more to help re. the referral, but I'm sorry it's going to take that long, it really does suck sometimes with the amount of time it can take to receive help when you're asking for help and can feel yourself getting worse.

    Try to ignore those thoughts about going back to uni having lost weight though - is that really worth more than the opportunity of going back to uni being healthy and happy and ready to enjoy it?



    Hey Riku

    Congrats on being a good healthy weight! And for the positive attitude for wanting to maintain that etc.

    With the junk food...I think it just really comes down to, if you don't want it it's ok to say no, so long as it is for healthy reasons - the sugar crash, because you're not in the mood, because you're not hungry, etc etc. But don't over-analyse the sugar crash too much, at the same time - some sugar is ok and some junk food is ok if you do fancy it!

    It's definitely possible to maintain weight without triggering a relapse, the key thing is to find that balance between eating a healthy meal plan but also just having things sometimes just because it looks nice or you fancied something different, if that makes sense.



    Well done for the progress in your recovery so far.

    Has anything in particular happened in the last week or so to cange your mood? Remember that it is normal to take a step backwards sometimes - the important thing is that you're recognising that and that you try to take steps to deal with it. If you could talk to someone about what's going on it would be great.

    It sounds like getting the meal plan sorted with your medical condition would be a great start, is there someone helping you to do that?
    Ahh ok, that does make sense, cheers Liv

    edit: I saw you've been referred to SEDCAS. Hope it all goes well :hugs:
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    (Original post by samba)
    who are you, i demand to know!!!!!

    I'd definitely say increasing your citalopram to 30mg would be np, especially if you're not suffering the side affects some do, perhaps even 40. An important thing is to make your doctor understand how the comorbidities interlink. Some GP's can be pretty dense about it, but if you explain your ed issues are affecting your confidence and trust in yourself, which snowballs into anxiety and depression, and also vice versa, how the depression snowballs your ed due to feelings of worthlessness, image, and wanting to vanish it can help. It needs tackled of multiple levels, your gp can't just give you pills and hope the ed vanishes. what's your height/weight and what was it 6 months ago? You're 22~ aye? What are you doing for yourself to try and keep things under control? (really difficult I know, but there's value both actual and psychological to being able to make steps). It can be really helpful from a point of view of self worth.

    It's so cliche, but think of it as little building blocks, every one you put on it one more that needs knocked off before you hit rock bottom. Loads of stuff you're unable to control, but if you can grasp at the strings of the little pieces you are it can make a big difference!
    I'm Batman.

    i hope i get my meds increased, because i do have faith in that they can help me, with the right dose

    see, my weight/BMI is the problem - both for myself and i think in terms of NHS guidelines (being a med student, i know GPs have algorithms and pathways to follow with patients, and criteria patients must meet to be given a referral) :/

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    up until about juneish last year i was 65kg/BMI 26, then by september i was 50kg/BMI 21, and i've been hovering around 57kg/BMI 23 since januaryish.

    so technically, i'm in a better position weight wise than i was pre-ED


    i'm 20 - the main thing i've been doing to try and bring the bingeing and purging under control has been to food shop every couple of days instead of once a week so i simply don't have as much food around to binge on, but that doesn't help with the guilt really.

    i've told her a couple times now that my mood has been getting worse and worse and that alongside that my body image has gone right downhill as well (for example, i now cant comfortably wear normal trousers without freaking out) but she just says to hold on because the meds take a while to work - so i think she does understand that they're interlinked, but isn't exactly too proactive in countering these emotions :/
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    I'm Batman.

    i hope i get my meds increased, because i do have faith in that they can help me, with the right dose

    see, my weight/BMI is the problem - both for myself and i think in terms of NHS guidelines (being a med student, i know GPs have algorithms and pathways to follow with patients, and criteria patients must meet to be given a referral) :/

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    up until about juneish last year i was 65kg/BMI 26, then by september i was 50kg/BMI 21, and i've been hovering around 57kg/BMI 23 since januaryish.

    so technically, i'm in a better position weight wise than i was pre-ED


    i'm 20 - the main thing i've been doing to try and bring the bingeing and purging under control has been to food shop every couple of days instead of once a week so i simply don't have as much food around to binge on, but that doesn't help with the guilt really.

    i've told her a couple times now that my mood has been getting worse and worse and that alongside that my body image has gone right downhill as well (for example, i now cant comfortably wear normal trousers without freaking out) but she just says to hold on because the meds take a while to work - so i think she does understand that they're interlinked, but isn't exactly too proactive in countering these emotions :/
    But batman is so black, and horny with his helmet on! Didn't know you were always that horny

    Trying to formulate a good reply here; I was gonna suggest perhaps a private referral, but as you say, in terms of guidelines you're pretty healthy So its possibly not the right time to invest in that. It's always kinda tricky in terms of when you 'know' you're going downhill but the external indicators would suggest you're managing well (and 4 months [email protected] level would suggest you are.)

    So basically, not ignoring you at all, but trying to work out something to say that's actually helpful
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    (Original post by samba)
    But batman is so black, and horny with his helmet on! Didn't know you were always that horny

    Trying to formulate a good reply here; I was gonna suggest perhaps a private referral, but as you say, in terms of guidelines you're pretty healthy So its possibly not the right time to invest in that. It's always kinda tricky in terms of when you 'know' you're going downhill but the external indicators would suggest you're managing well (and 4 months [email protected] level would suggest you are.)

    So basically, not ignoring you at all, but trying to work out something to say that's actually helpful
    :rofl: congratulations, you just made me literally laugh out loud

    yeah, it's just the methods i'm using to maintain that weight are really beginning to wreck my life plus the mental side of it makes me want to pull my brain out and smush it through a seive.

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    i'll restrict restrict restrict for days, and then binge without purging for days. i abuse laxatives daily and its not uncommon for me to purge every meal in a day :cry2:


    even if i was underweight, i don't really have the money for private treatment :/ obviously if i needed it, i'd be able to find the money from somewhere, but if i was in that position, i'd probably also qualify for nhs treatment

    dw about trying to be amazingly helpful, just having somebody to talk to about it is help enough!!! i've tried to talk about it to my roommate (she also suffers from depression and understands how i'm feeling when i talk to her about it) but she really doesn't understand - which i'm not blaming her for, but still, it's nice
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    well, i'm currently seeing a uni counsellor, which has been quite helpful, and we're stepping up my appointments to once a week, for a bit of extra support, at least until i get seen by the hospital - by the sounds of it, my doc thinks i'll definitely get taken on by the hospital rather than just discharged back to my gp, because i get horrible anxiety to the point where i break down and have panic attacks and can't bear to leave my house there is a depression/anxiety student group and an eating disorders student group at my uni, but i go to a really tiny uni where everybody basically knows everybody, and only one person in my friendship group knows about my problems so i'd get really paranoid about going there - plus i have a tendency to constantly compare myself to other people, which i cant imagine will good for me in terms of accepting i need help.

    awww sweetie, its so great that theyre moving so fast with you though, obviously they want to help, if they thought you were fine, you wouldn't have been referred to them. you know as well as i do that our minds can skew us to think we arent 'sick enough' to warrant this - but in reality, healthy people never wish to be sicker, so it is a sign of being sick that we don't think we are sick enough for so much help. if you want, you can let me know via private message how the appointment goes?
    I hope you do get referred on, I can relate very much to the anxiety feelings and that's hard enough in itself, let alone with everything else going on! I think the comparison issue is very common, it's very difficult not to compare ourselves sometimes and wonder if we 'deserve' help. But it does sound like you need support at the moment, so I hope the doctor can do something helpful! Are there any B-eat support groups in your area that you could look at?

    Thank-you, that is a good way of looking at it, I'd never thought about it in the sense that healthy people don't want to be more ill. Appointment's at 10am tomorrow so I guess I'll find out soon what they can offer.

    (Original post by samba)
    SEDCAS also provides community and outpatient support, generally attempting to aggregate resources to help before you get to the inpatient stage Don't be too nervous, they can be pretty terrific. And they will realise the 'signs' of your likelyhood of getting to that stage and want to help! Good luck with it.
    Thank-you, that's really helpful to know. I haven't been able to find anything out about them so I really don't have any idea what to expect, so that's good to know. The psychiatrist said if I can keep my weight up being treated in the community will be ideal, so hopefully things can start to get better from here.

    (Original post by Riku)
    Ahh ok, that does make sense, cheers Liv

    edit: I saw you've been referred to SEDCAS. Hope it all goes well :hugs:
    Thank-you, much appreciated.

    Things are difficult at the moment. Uni have been talking about Fitness to Study and taking the decision out of my hands, they want me to intermit. I've said I'll go part-time, but they have 'reservations' apparently, they're not sure it's enough for me to get better, with the stress of all the deadlines in May. I know it will stress me, but I'm so close to completing these modules, it would seem such a waste to intermit now. And I wanted to finish in May then start my dissertation and independent study in September but begin the background research over the summer, and my supervisor's said that's not really having time off at all, he wants me to take time out completely, so I can fulfil my academic potential and get the most out of the learning experience. Deep down I agree with him, but if I do intermit I'll have 8 months off (until January), and I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
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    How do you guys balance struggling with an ED and studying? My A-level exams are in 43 days and I can't focus in class or at home because I constantly just write lists and lists of calories and meal plans. My BMI is still healthy because I've only recently relapsed but I'm getting tired all the time again and really depressed. Last week I was suicidal. I need to get straight A's in my exams, but I won't if I carry on like this. I've tried recovery and that just makes me want to claw out my insides and cry so I can't focus then either. I don't know what to do and it's not fair that I'm going to fail because of this, I tried so so so hard to recover and I hate it so much.
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    Think I'm deficient in something as lately ive been feeling lethargic and have been experiencing more depression than usual.

    Haven't binged for a bit. On fast food for a couple days but controlling portions
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    Hey guys, I'm new here.


    I was just reading online about a new diet and saw someone write an article about their struggles. I decided to write down my thoughts and it ended up being very long. I decided I will start a journal. Its about Binge eating disorder and my struggles so far. Its literally just my thoughts so the writing wont be very good. My doctor said that support will help me alot and I cant really turn to my family right now. If anyone has binge eating disorder, maybe they can relate? i dont know what I want to achieve by posting this but i guess it makes no difference and I dont lose anything. If you do want to read it so far, this is it. I doubt my posts will be as long as this every again but so far I've given a background into my eating habits and a brief intro to my life. Here it goes... (i will probably start this on a new thread as its so long)

    Today is the day I will change. No really, I will. My friends call me martin Kingsley. That’s a play of words on my last name. I’m always giving motivational speeches. I remember being in sixth form, lying on my bed and telling all my friends to revise, telling them how important it is yet I would be laying there in my bed. I do the same now at uni. Telling my friends we have to start doing work and that we will leave uni with a first. At this rate I wont be. This is affecting my school work and in fact my whole life. This diary probably won’t be very coherent but I am enjoying it so far. This may fail as has every other attempt to stop so far. My writing skills aren’t very good and I probably won’t upload this on to the internet but maybe I should? Maybe it will help somebody and if it does that’s great so I think I will. It will probably encourage me to continue to write in it. So maybe I should explain a little bit about what I am talking about.

    I have binge eating disorder. I know it doesn’t sound very serious. That makes it harder for me because I have told a couple of friends but no one seems to take this seriously. I didn’t tell them what I had but when I began to have binge episodes I would ask people what they thought of what I ate in a desperate attempt to find out if I was normal or not. I am also quite slim (quickly putting on weight though), so people almost seem to find it cute (can’t think of a better word.).

    I guess I will give some background into my eating habits. When I was younger, I ate like the typical slim person. The “I eat so much but don’t put on weight!” person. I ate junk but I left my food or probably didn’t consume too many calories within a day. I was constantly told how skinny I was. This affected my self esteem a lot so one day I remember deciding to put on weight. Its funny but I made that decision on the toilet. I remember it so clearly. I was on the toilet and decided enough is enough. I will gain weight and have a curvier figure like my friends. I was skinny but my ribs have never shown and I think I ate enough even if I didn’t eat a healthy amount of food. My parents weren’t big food shoppers so there wasn’t a lot of variety. When we were hungry we ate pitta bread with margarine. That’s what I decided to do. Anything would do. So, that’s where my weird relationship with food began. I ate pitta bread and margarine. Lots and lots of it. I would scoff down four in the morning and four to eight more during the day. I ate until I felt sick. It worked. People would see me and ask what happened. I remember one uncle telling me it had looked like someone pumped me up with a bycicle pump – not very funny or clever I know. Anyway, so my appetite increased. I ate a lot of junk, not afraid to ever put on weight. If I ever put on weight it was a bonus. So I quickly learned that I had a super fast metabolism. Fast forward a few years and I didn’t put on much weight at all, eating as much junk as I wanted. I had friends who genuinely ate almost half of what I did and yet were a lot bigger.

    So, food became a big part of my life. I loved eating and I loved proving to people that I ate. I still got lots of comments about being slim. I now realise that young girls often get jealous and people would be mean about my weight and call me skinny to put me down. I was a solid size eight and definitely not smaller than that, yet people told me I was “too skinny”. Eating a lot was my way of spiting them, if that makes sense. I would eat a lot ot prove to people that its not my fault I was small. It also didn’t affect me much when people did make these comments. I would say I was quite secure and had no qualms about my body. I ate junk happily and enjoyed the feeling of being able to eat this way without putting on weight. I ate sugary cereal for breakfast, junk and take out for lunch and junk or take out for dinner. My parents fed us a lot of junk at this point. I came home and biscuits would literally be for dinner. I would come to my room and find a packet of biscuits on the table, eating them all and racking up to an average of eight hundred calories in one go. More importantly, it was a lot of sugar that I was consuming.

    In college I began to get an income. I started a part time job and had money given to me for going in to school and coming from a poor background (I know ema was highly debated but I won’t lie about what I used it for.). There often wasn’t cooked food at home so I spent my money on lots of take out, “2 for 2 pound burger meals” and so did my friends. I would encourage them to come with me because I told them id have nothing to eat at home. Fast forward to uni. I ate out almost every day. I ate a lot of junk again. All this time though and all those years, I probably did not eat more than 2500 calories in a day. That doesn’t ignore the fact that I did still eat a lot of junk, fatty food and sugar yet remained a size 8. And compared to other skinny people, I always finished my food and ate a fair amount of it. It wasn’t just a few chips, a bitten burger and biscuits for breakfast like some people who believed they “ate a lot”, I genuinely ate more than most people my age.
    After my first year of uni I decided to take a gap year. I worked a few jobs until this point and at the age of 19 worked as a sales assistant, averaging about 24 hours a week. I met a guy who smoked a lot of weed. I had tried it a couple times before but not regularly. He was a proper stoner. We became friends and we’d meet and smoke. The first time he invited me around his flat to “bun”with him, he stressed to me that I was only his friend because he had no guy friends. This made me feel like ****. He wanted me to know my place. I didn’t even like him but he didn’t want to give me the right to. I felt so ugly and pathetic but I thought “**** this guy, I will use him for his weed.”. Its like he wanted to warn me that just because he was a guy and Im a girl, I don’t have the permission to think anything could happen between us. I was just another “guy” to him and this translated to me as “too ugly to be a love interest”. That comment and the fact he later took a u- turn and decided he liked me had somehow made me feel so worthless.
    At first he made fun of me for being “fat” and never showed me he liked me. He made fun of the way I dressed, looked etc but I later found out he was very childish and just didn’t know how to show he liked me. After a few months he began telling the truth. He started asking how I stayed so slim even though I ate a lot. He had a complex about his own body which again is probably why he would make fun of me ranging from calling me fat to “Ethiopian” (his way of saying I am very skinny). This triggered more bad eating habits. He would constantly say how skinny I was so I ate more and more to prove it wasn’t my fault. We would smoke a few joints and I would go to sainsburys and buy chocolates, biscuits and any other junk I laid my eyes on. I would consume large amounts of it, consuming more than 3000 calories for sure. I know people will say I couldn’t have consumed so much without gaining weight but I have no reason to lie. I probably gained a few pounds but not much and was still a size 8 – 10, about 58 kilos. My self esteem was extremely low. I wished I was pretty or beautiful like my friends. This guy expressed how much he liked me but I began to hate him. I hated the fact that I thought he only liked my personality and wished he could like me for my looks. He told me he thought I was pretty but because this contradicted with how he treated me in the beginning of the friendship, I couldn’t accept it. I refused to accept this guy who made fun of me and clearly wasn’t taken by me inititally and all I wanted was for someone to like me for more than my personality. I had plenty of friends and have generally been well liked. I dressed well and took care of myself but I longed to be a “pretty” girl. Before him, I wasn’t insecure. I valued things more than looks. I didn’t care who was pretty and who wasn’t. Looks fade and there are much, much more important things in life. But I forgot all this and obsessed with myself. Eating to prove I was naturally small and eventually getting plastic surgery. I wont go into detail about that here but probably at a later stage. It probably points to how low my self esteem was. The more this guy said he liked me, the more I wanted to prove I didn’t need him. I wanted to say “look at me now”. I wanted him to regret treating me like he was too good for me.
    I went off tangent. Back to my eating. So I would go to work, meet this guy sometimes, smoke some joints sometimes, eat a lot and come home and order more food. I was still in control at this point. I ate a lot but it was out of choice (I think). I was definitely a hell of a lot more in control than I am now.
    As my gap year drew to a close, I learnt about healthy eating. I didn’t want to eat so much junk. It wasn’t normal. Just because I remained slim didn’t excuse what I ate. So my diet took a complete overhaul. I began obsessing about eating healthy. I ate tonnes of fruit and veg and cut out almost all sugary food (beside fruit etc). began a food diary. Another important thing I would like to add is that I decided to lose weight. I was very slim but I had chubby cheeks which I wanted to lose. I knew I could only do this by losing weight in general but remember I was on a quest to be “pretty” so the cheeks had to go. I wrote a food diary which lasted a few weeks. I sometimes ate only 800 calories a day. At the time I thought I was super healthy and great. I quickly lost weight as I did plenty of exercise too. In a few months I went down from 58 to 51 kilos and was saving up for my surgery. I thought my relationship with food was great. My diet was so “clean”. I looked down on fat people who couldn’t lose weight. They lacked willpower and they were so weak is what I thought!
    Uni began and I made new friends. I quit that job and was sick of that guy. He constantly told me how much he liked me but I felt my self esteem had been shattered and all I wanted to do was fix what I looked like in order for it to be even harder for him. I would never ever forgive how he treated me initially. My uni friends eating lifestyle didn’t match mine. I didn’t want them put off me because of my salads so I ate with them. But I exercised for hours to make up for it. I maintained my skinny weight. That’s when the binge eating began. The days where I would eat too much junk to “work off”, I ate as much as I could. I told myself it made no difference and I could have a “cheat day”. I ate and ate till I was sick but it was okay. I still exercised and I still ate less the next day. The days after I would have only 600- 1000 calories and exercise on a stationary bike for an avg of an hour and a half. These binge eating episodes became more regular. From once a month to up to two times and then three times a month. But from September to December I had done it only about seven times. They became worse each time. I would rack up to six thousand calories and eat till I physically couldn’t walk straight. My back would hunch and my heart would burn. I could still manage to eat less the next few days.
    I gave up my healthy eating diet. Some habits remained and I was no longer fussy. But whereas before, processed food had become unappealing, they found themselves back to being a big part of my life. I didn’t want to eat them but I couldn’t resist. I tried hard to go back to healthier eating but every time I had a little of something, I ended up eating lots of junk. Lots and lots of it. It was all or nothing. In the last month, I binge ate almost every day. I would plan to make up for it the next day but no longer could. I would last till the afternoon and then binge again. I would go to bed crying as I felt so sick. I remember one day eating possible seven thousand calories and in bed crying my eyes oout over what I had done yet I HAD to go back and finish that packet of custard creams. There was no point leaving it. Its always all or nothing. What difference did it make if I had it because it would be the last time ever. Its always the last time ever. I’ll always never do it again. Ive heard people struggle with this their whole lives. I hope I have the strength to get over this altogether. Its extremely hard. I now know how unfair it is for me to scorn overweight people for not being able to “just go on a diet” and to “just stop eating mcdonalds.”
    This has taken over my life. I go to sleep wondering whether I can either continue doing well or “start again and never ever do this to myself again tomorrow”. I often go to sleep crying and the next day I have a ‘food hangover’. The bloating sometimes doesn’t go away after a long sleep and I feel dizzy and sick. I don’t know whether to try to “avoid making up for the binge with a calorie deficit” or to just not eat to lessen the damage I had done. Sometimes I wake up in the morning knowing I will probably binge that day. I wake up with the urge and struggle to fight it all day, failing most of the time.
    Ive been to the doctor who was extremely caring and referred me to cbt but said it will probably take a while. She suggested making my food as it is harder to make junk and will probably result in me being put off eating it. That’s failed so far as cookie dough and cake batter tastes even better to me and just results in me eating that before its cooked. I have a new bad eating habit too. I eat and spit out the food. I know Im not hungry so once its in my mouth I try to lessen the damage by spitting It out. Its not just about weight it’s the feeling of fullness I get after consuming an average of 3000 + calories in one binge sitting (not including the normal meals I will eat on top of that during the day). I am back t being 57 kilos and my clothes feel a lot tighter. My belly is very bloated all the time. I constantly feel sick. Food has taken over my life and I just want to be normal. I think I will go on the beyonce diet. Maybe that will kick my sugar cravings? I wasn’t going to do it as it may result in a binge and a waste of efforts but so far ive been binge eating even when trying to stick to a healthy change of lifestyle. Ive tried to incorporate unhealthy foods in moderation but I still end up binge eating. The week or so hasn’t been as bad as the month before but food still takes over my life. I don’t consume food. It consumes me. I will be off to tesco to buy some lemons for my diet. Ive already binged today. I feel I will do so later too. I might end up making a cake (and spitting most of it out) but I will update this soon. Hopefully I will read back on this once ive recovered. I hope it helps!
    I guess I’ll begin with what Ive eaten today. Porridge with milk and honey. Home made swiss roll with peanut butter filling made of three table spoons of peanut butter, lots of icing sugar, some butter and two table spoons of Philadelphia. I ate most of it and spat out about half. I ate lots of the raw dough too. So far today has been a “good day”. Its usually the evening when it gets really bad. I have the urge to eat something sweet and I cant fight the urge but I hope I will.
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    (Original post by keromedic)
    Think I'm deficient in something as lately ive been feeling lethargic and have been experiencing more depression than usual.

    Haven't binged for a bit. On fast food for a couple days but controlling portions
    when was the last time you had bloods done? i'm quite anaemic which my doc says isn't helping the depression at all, so you might be anaemic. or you could be intolerant to something - i have a slight intolerance to whole cows milk, and when i drink it i just generally feel run down and a bit poo. either way, if you think you might have something going on, you should let your doc know, because you deserve to feel better!
 
 
 
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