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    Where has Toto got to?
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Mackay)
    Where has Toto got to?
    I was wondering the same tbh. Hopefully he's too busy pulling all of the ladies to be on here, rather than something awful like he's in hospital.
    • #132
    #132

    I'm not saying Tot is a stud. I'm saying I'd rather him not be on here because good things, rather than bad things...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not saying Tot is a stud. I'm saying I'd rather him not be on here because good things, rather than bad things...
    Yeah, I understand!

    Hope so, too.
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    (Original post by keromedic)
    Think I'm deficient in something as lately ive been feeling lethargic and have been experiencing more depression than usual.

    Haven't binged for a bit. On fast food for a couple days but controlling portions
    Just to agree with Team McDreamy, it would really be worth asking your GP about running some blood tests to check for any deficiencies. It's bad enough with disordered eating and depression anyway, let alone with the lethargy and lack of energy on top of that.

    I've been wondering where Toto is too, hope everything's ok there.

    How's everyone doing?

    I'm not having a good time. Saw SEDCAS again today, my blood pressure and heart rate have dropped quite a bit in the last week. They've asked me to try to reduce even walking to places, said to treat it like having flu and try and have lots of duvet time, they said there's the risk of collapse at any time now. At the moment it's looking like I might be admitted in about 5-6 weeks, but I might be able to turn things around before then. I hope so, because feeling like this is unbearable.
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
    when was the last time you had bloods done? i'm quite anaemic which my doc says isn't helping the depression at all, so you might be anaemic. or you could be intolerant to something - i have a slight intolerance to whole cows milk, and when i drink it i just generally feel run down and a bit poo. either way, if you think you might have something going on, you should let your doc know, because you deserve to feel better!
    A few months ago and never got the results for them .

    Sorry about your anaemia . That is possible. I am going to be changing my diet for the better though. I was more concerned about the energy/sleep than moods as my mood is never great anyway.
    I'm slowly getting more and more used to the idea of not punishing myself :yay: :party:
    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Just to agree with Team McDreamy, it would really be worth asking your GP about running some blood tests to check for any deficiencies. It's bad enough with disordered eating and depression anyway, let alone with the lethargy and lack of energy on top of that.

    Thanks! Indeed :hugs:
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    Hey everyone,

    I've been absent lately (my final exams ever are in less than a month and I'm fine, I promise...except I wouldn't mind going back in time and killing Dante before he ever wrote La Commedia, you know), sorry about that. I hope everyone is staying strong and I am always here for you all if you need help with anything.

    It's coming up to 4 years since I recovered (this October). It almost feels like some nightmare that wasn't even real. Still, to this day it shapes who I am and reminds me that I am strong enough to do anything if I put my mind to it. My depression has been awful lately (I missed most of last term) but new meds and being home for a while is helping.

    Hope you're all okay, PM me if you need anything at all x
    • #122
    #122

    I'm around 4 months in to my proper recovery now. I seem to have had lots of relapses yet keep them to myself so everyone thinks things are fine. Over the last couple of weeks I find myself 'preparing' to purge without even realising .. so i've taken off my rings, locked my door and closed my curtain before I feel like i've even acknowledged what i'm going to do. I don't understand it. It feels like my brain literally drives me to doing it .. however stupid that sounds..
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Hey everyone,

    I've been absent lately (my final exams ever are in less than a month and I'm fine, I promise...except I wouldn't mind going back in time and killing Dante before he ever wrote La Commedia, you know), sorry about that. I hope everyone is staying strong and I am always here for you all if you need help with anything.

    It's coming up to 4 years since I recovered (this October). It almost feels like some nightmare that wasn't even real. Still, to this day it shapes who I am and reminds me that I am strong enough to do anything if I put my mind to it. My depression has been awful lately (I missed most of last term) but new meds and being home for a while is helping.

    Hope you're all okay, PM me if you need anything at all x
    Well done on being almost 4 years recovered, what an achievement. I'm sorry to hear abou the depression, but I'm glad the meds and being home are helping.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm around 4 months in to my proper recovery now. I seem to have had lots of relapses yet keep them to myself so everyone thinks things are fine. Over the last couple of weeks I find myself 'preparing' to purge without even realising .. so i've taken off my rings, locked my door and closed my curtain before I feel like i've even acknowledged what i'm going to do. I don't understand it. It feels like my brain literally drives me to doing it .. however stupid that sounds..
    Can relate to keeping things to yourself, but it would be really great if you could talk to somebody about the relapsing difficulties, it's very hard to cope with this by yourself. It doesn't sound stupid, those urges can be very 'compulsive' at times. Could you try to distract yourself after you eat for a while? I find things like board games helpful, or things to do with your hands - cat's cradle, knitting, art/crafts, anything like that.

    ---

    I'm going into hospital tomorrow morning. Very short notice. My heart rate's still lower than it should be and they're concerned about physical risk, so the admission is hopefully going to be a 'kickstart' to get support and medically stable, and then work back up to coping more independently again. Probably about a month, but depends on progress.

    I'm so overwhelmed at the moment. If anyone with any experience of inpatient treatment could tell me their experiences, it would be much appreciated.
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Liv1204)
    I'm going into hospital tomorrow morning. Very short notice. My heart rate's still lower than it should be and they're concerned about physical risk, so the admission is hopefully going to be a 'kickstart' to get support and medically stable, and then work back up to coping more independently again. Probably about a month, but depends on progress.

    I'm so overwhelmed at the moment. If anyone with any experience of inpatient treatment could tell me their experiences, it would be much appreciated.
    -hugging- Is this a specialist ED unit/ nuthut, or is it a general hospital ward? I don't have experience of inpatient myself, but a friend of mine is inpatient atm. If it's a general hospital ward, if you don't ask for X,Y and Z for tea, you won't get it. Open bathroom at mealtimes. So if you were of that way inclined, you could. She's heard the nurses say about her 'We don't like to give them food if they haven't asked for it, because she's not here on a section 3', that, and being *****ed about by the nurses behind her back because her psychiatrist had had kittens when she found out my friend was only being given a cuppa soup when there wasn't a suitable veggie option on the menu!
    NHS food is shocking, so much smash; and god help you if you're veggie/ vegan. When my dad was in hospital, we used to take him biscuits, cereal bars etc because hardly any of what he was being given was edible. The fruit on the snack trolley tends to look a bit sorry for itself. If you happen to like fruit etc, get Mum to bring some when she comes to visit.
    The inpatient unit my friend is at, it seems nice (It bloody should be, it's private). She loves the food, isn't so keen on the people she's there with though. Her low BMI and crap bloods etc are down to having no appetite/ cba to move to do food because of her depression (not that anyone believes her about this...) the rules are doing her head in atm, she's not allowed to sit on certain chairs in the living room because she'll end up with pressure sores. WWIII nearly kicked off when she asked if she could have normal soya milk with her cereal and that she'd make the calories up at snacktime. Everyone else gets toddler soya milk if they don't have moo juice. So she's convinced they all hate her. She begs me to take her home every time I go to visit, but she knows the rules etc are for her own good.


    OOh, before I forget, if they put you on an IV, and your pee goes highlighter yellow, don't panic. One of the B vitamins they'll give you does it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    -hugging- Is this a specialist ED unit/ nuthut, or is it a general hospital ward? I don't have experience of inpatient myself, but a friend of mine is inpatient atm. If it's a general hospital ward, if you don't ask for X,Y and Z for tea, you won't get it. Open bathroom at mealtimes. So if you were of that way inclined, you could. She's heard the nurses say about her 'We don't like to give them food if they haven't asked for it, because she's not here on a section 3', that, and being *****ed about by the nurses behind her back because her psychiatrist had had kittens when she found out my friend was only being given a cuppa soup when there wasn't a suitable veggie option on the menu!
    NHS food is shocking, so much smash; and god help you if you're veggie/ vegan. When my dad was in hospital, we used to take him biscuits, cereal bars etc because hardly any of what he was being given was edible. The fruit on the snack trolley tends to look a bit sorry for itself. If you happen to like fruit etc, get Mum to bring some when she comes to visit.
    The inpatient unit my friend is at, it seems nice (It bloody should be, it's private). She loves the food, isn't so keen on the people she's there with though. Her low BMI and crap bloods etc are down to having no appetite/ cba to move to do food because of her depression (not that anyone believes her about this...) the rules are doing her head in atm, she's not allowed to sit on certain chairs in the living room because she'll end up with pressure sores. WWIII nearly kicked off when she asked if she could have normal soya milk with her cereal and that she'd make the calories up at snacktime. Everyone else gets toddler soya milk if they don't have moo juice. So she's convinced they all hate her. She begs me to take her home every time I go to visit, but she knows the rules etc are for her own good.


    OOh, before I forget, if they put you on an IV, and your pee goes highlighter yellow, don't panic. One of the B vitamins they'll give you does it.
    Thank you for the reply, much appreciated.

    It's at one of the Priory hospitals, but funded by the NHS. So specialist in mental health and they do have specialist eating disorder treatment there, although I don't know what it involves.

    They have said it's based on stages - so the first stage is focused on medical stabilisation and monitoring, then transition stage gaining more independence and getting home leave etc. So if I can make progress that will hopefully happen sooner.

    I'm so scared at the moment, of the weight gain and the amount of food and everything. But I want my life back, more than anything. I just want to enjoy life again.
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Thank you for the reply, much appreciated.

    It's at one of the Priory hospitals, but funded by the NHS. So specialist in mental health and they do have specialist eating disorder treatment there, although I don't know what it involves.

    They have said it's based on stages - so the first stage is focused on medical stabilisation and monitoring, then transition stage gaining more independence and getting home leave etc. So if I can make progress that will hopefully happen sooner.

    I'm so scared at the moment, of the weight gain and the amount of food and everything. But I want my life back, more than anything. I just want to enjoy life again.


    Posted from TSR Mobile

    I think I know which hospital you're talking about, (HG?) if it is then I know quite a few who have had positive experiences there. I went to a different one, but it sounds like SEDCAS have stopped sending people there thankfully. Message me on here/FB if you want to talk or have any questions. Good luck, I hope the admission is helpful and hopefully not too long
    Gemma x
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Thank you for the reply, much appreciated.

    It's at one of the Priory hospitals, but funded by the NHS. So specialist in mental health and they do have specialist eating disorder treatment there, although I don't know what it involves.

    They have said it's based on stages - so the first stage is focused on medical stabilisation and monitoring, then transition stage gaining more independence and getting home leave etc. So if I can make progress that will hopefully happen sooner.

    I'm so scared at the moment, of the weight gain and the amount of food and everything. But I want my life back, more than anything. I just want to enjoy life again.
    I was at a mental health unit in Oxford and they had a special ED program. I have to say, it wasn't fun. By that time I'd decided that I wanted to get better anyway so I didn't mind eating, especially since they deliberately gave balanced meals to the weight that you put on was distributed evenly (unlike some of the private places that just feed you fat). You get put on meal plans according to your weight deficit. It's gradual but obviously, if you go from eating next to nothing to eating something, you will put weight on.

    I did find it triggering though. I was the only one of the ED patients that didn't try and 'cheat' and meal times were so painful. There were people crying because they had to eat, shaking with fear with every bite...and I felt awkward for eating like the non-ED patients. None of the ED patients particularly liked me because I was just getting on with it. It was hard for me to see them struggle whilst I wasn't, so be prepared for that. You get to choose what to eat but you don't get control of how much or when you eat.

    Just remember what the ED is taking away from you. That was one of my motivations. My friends were all going on holidays and I couldn't get travel insurance because I was that sick. I had to wear cardigans in summer, even if it was really hot. I couldn't enjoy house parties and drink booze because of what it could have done with my organs in such a state. Get angry at the ED because of what it has stolen from you. You deserve a normal, happy life. If you start thinking of all the things you want to do that the ED isn't letting you, it may help you with every bite. x
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    Been curious where Toto is myself most of the 'old crowd' have gone with some exceptions such as Liv, Jazzy and I. Perhaps we can take this as a good sign; those off the board are living in greater freedom from their ED now, I hope. Wishing them all the best.


    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Hey everyone,

    I've been absent lately (my final exams ever are in less than a month and I'm fine, I promise...except I wouldn't mind going back in time and killing Dante before he ever wrote La Commedia, you know), sorry about that. I hope everyone is staying strong and I am always here for you all if you need help with anything.

    It's coming up to 4 years since I recovered (this October). It almost feels like some nightmare that wasn't even real. Still, to this day it shapes who I am and reminds me that I am strong enough to do anything if I put my mind to it. My depression has been awful lately (I missed most of last term) but new meds and being home for a while is helping.

    Hope you're all okay, PM me if you need anything at all x
    In the same boat Jazzy. What a journey. I've still got a long way to go but you're doing amazing still, what are you dissing Dante for

    Good luck
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    (Original post by Riku)

    In the same boat Jazzy. What a journey. I've still got a long way to go but you're doing amazing still, what are you dissing Dante for

    Good luck
    It feels surreal sometimes, like was that actually me? Did I actually do that? It just feels like a completely different life to the one I have now. Keep going, it's so worth it I like to try and keep active on here, even if it's just for giving advice and stuff.

    Ugh, Dante. I swear he was snorting something when he wrote La Commedia. I'm revising Purgatorio and I just wish he'd plainly state what the hell is going on!

    Thanks x
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Hey guys

    I am Facebook friends with Toto and it seems like he is still working hard with recovery and doing well. Though I think he is still in a lot of pain due to the damage his ED has done to his body (bones etc.).
    Thank goodness.
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    Hello I'm Jozzers/Joanna, and it's my first time posting in this thread.

    At the moment, I have a few thoughts that have been bothering me:

    Possibly triggering


    So I have an assessment at the eating disorders unit in June... and I'm already panicking about it. :/ Not only do I have no idea what sort of things will happen in the assessment (which is supposed to last about 2 hours - that sounds overwhelming already!), but I feel like I'm not ill enough to have been referred there in the first place. I'm just a waste of time, money and space.

    Thank you for reading, and I'm so sorry about the negativity.

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    (Original post by Jozzers)
    Hello I'm Jozzers/Joanna, and it's my first time posting in this thread.

    At the moment, I have a few thoughts that have been bothering me:

    Possibly triggering


    So I have an assessment at the eating disorders unit in June... and I'm already panicking about it. :/ Not only do I have no idea what sort of things will happen in the assessment (which is supposed to last about 2 hours - that sounds overwhelming already!), but I feel like I'm not ill enough to have been referred there in the first place. I'm just a waste of time, money and space.

    Thank you for reading, and I'm so sorry about the negativity.

    Also, I've been procrastinating, and I ended up writing a bit about myself:
    But it's okay if you don't want to bother reading it. (Again, possibly triggering)

    I began to overeat on an almost-daily basis soon after I started uni (ie in late September/early October), probably in an attempt to suppress the negative thoughts I had. I would finish boxes of chocolate, biscuits, cereal - pretty much anything I’d consider calorie-dense - in a short space of time. I had (and still have) this ‘all-or-nothing’ mindset; if I opened a new pack of food, then I must finish the contents in one sitting. I felt so guilty every time I binged. I would tell myself that I needed to restrict my intake the next day… but I was usually not successful in doing so. I had no willpower.

    In late November, I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety, and was prescribed antidepressants. One of the side effects I had from the medication was a reduced appetite. It was only then that I could manage to restrict my intake more often.

    However, the bingeing did not stop there. Instead, I began to develop a binge-restrict cycle (alternating between days of bingeing and days of restricting) just before Christmas.

    Sometime in February, a part in my mind told me that it’d be a good idea to buy a relatively expensive bathroom scale (for I thought it’ll be more accurate than the seemingly-unreliable Asda Smart Price scales I had previously owned). After I saw the reading on the new scales, my head told me that I should feel very ashamed of myself. I felt way too heavy (even when the weight I was is within the ‘healthy’ BMI range, and that I had only gained about 2kgs more compared the estimated weight I was before starting uni). When I looked at my own body, I saw a disgusting amount of fat on it. Soon afterwards, I started to make myself sick after every binge.

    This leads to where I am now, stuck in this binge-vomit-restrict cycle. Vomiting after eating so much gives me a small sense of control and relief in the short-term; I’d rather lose at least some calories than none at all. Looking at the bigger picture, though, I think I’ve lost my sane mind. I can’t think rationally anymore.

    I worry so much about food and weight - something I used to consider as rather petty - and I don’t really know why. I feel worse than ever before. I record my weight and intake every day. I am obsessed with counting calories. I fidget a lot to lose some of those calories.

    Even though I’ve not lost much weight after adapting these behaviours, eating normally, for some reason, sounds so scary. I don’t think I can remember I to do it.

    It appears that these abnormal habits have become ingrained in me, and because of that, it’s become my new ‘comfort zone’.

    I know I’m only going to damage my health if I continue like this… but, honestly speaking, I don’t know whether I want to stop these behaviours.

    So basically, I’m really confused.

    From experience, it's mostly a consultation because you have reached the stage where the authorities think it's time. It's not something that they consider lightly so no, you are not a waste of anything. You are a person worth helping. I wouldn't worry too much -- I had a couple of these assessments and I didn't get put in the unit until a lot later after there really was no choice. x
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    (Original post by Jozzers)
    Hello I'm Jozzers/Joanna, and it's my first time posting in this thread.

    At the moment, I have a few thoughts that have been bothering me:

    [expand=Possibly triggering]

    So I have an assessment at the eating disorders unit in June... and I'm already panicking about it. :/ Not only do I have no idea what sort of things will happen in the assessment (which is supposed to last about 2 hours - that sounds overwhelming already!), but I feel like I'm not ill enough to have been referred there in the first place. I'm just a waste of time, money and space.
    Hey,

    It's very normal to be scared about assessments! The assessments are very long and draining, so I'd recommend planning something relaxing or gentle to do afterwards, even if that's just curling up with a book or a film to watch and a blanket.

    They'll probably start with going over your history, family, education, work, relationships etc etc. They'll ask questions about your eating habits obviously - it might include what you eat in a typical day, how often you weigh yourself, your thoughts around eating, your fears, what you'd like to change, any physical health problems, anything like that. They'll probably also take your height and weight at the assessment, and possibly some other physical obs too.

    The main thing to hold onto is that you do deserve the support - there's no such thing as being 'ill enough'. I went to my assessment feeling exactly the same way, because physically I was fine at the time. Within a week I was physically ill enough to be admitted to hospital. It can happen so quickly, and they know that. They're there to help you, and the fact that you've been referred says in itself that you are ill enough to need their help.

    (Original post by Gnome :))
    Posted from TSR Mobile

    I think I know which hospital you're talking about, (HG?) if it is then I know quite a few who have had positive experiences there. I went to a different one, but it sounds like SEDCAS have stopped sending people there thankfully. Message me on here/FB if you want to talk or have any questions. Good luck, I hope the admission is helpful and hopefully not too long
    Gemma x
    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I was at a mental health unit in Oxford and they had a special ED program. I have to say, it wasn't fun. By that time I'd decided that I wanted to get better anyway so I didn't mind eating, especially since they deliberately gave balanced meals to the weight that you put on was distributed evenly (unlike some of the private places that just feed you fat). You get put on meal plans according to your weight deficit. It's gradual but obviously, if you go from eating next to nothing to eating something, you will put weight on.

    I did find it triggering though. I was the only one of the ED patients that didn't try and 'cheat' and meal times were so painful. There were people crying because they had to eat, shaking with fear with every bite...and I felt awkward for eating like the non-ED patients. None of the ED patients particularly liked me because I was just getting on with it. It was hard for me to see them struggle whilst I wasn't, so be prepared for that. You get to choose what to eat but you don't get control of how much or when you eat.

    Just remember what the ED is taking away from you. That was one of my motivations. My friends were all going on holidays and I couldn't get travel insurance because I was that sick. I had to wear cardigans in summer, even if it was really hot. I couldn't enjoy house parties and drink booze because of what it could have done with my organs in such a state. Get angry at the ED because of what it has stolen from you. You deserve a normal, happy life. If you start thinking of all the things you want to do that the ED isn't letting you, it may help you with every bite. x
    Late reply, but thank-you both, very much appreciated. I am indeed at HG (although tonight I am at home, on my first overnight leave).

    I am finding the same as above I think - when I was admitted I knew I want to get better, so that has given me the motivation to comply with everything, even when it is hard. I am struggling with eating too slowly, but I am finishing everything, and I have moved from the Acute EDU ward to the Progression ward - so more therapy groups now, more nutrition and meal planning (I am really struggling with choice and decisions at the moment), and preparing our own breakfasts. Physically I am a lot better now too, which is good obviously, although as silly as it sounds, I feel like I don't deserve to be well, I liked the comfort of knowing I was putting myself at risk of serious harm.

    I am struggling a lot with thoughts at the moment, but I am really trying. I've been choosing the meals that really scare me, because I want to get back to 'normal' eating, and eating the foods I like (which are the foods that scare me and increase the guilt most) is normal. I've written a list of goals and my motivation for wanting to get better, things I want to achieve. I want to go back to my MSc and get everything I can out of it.
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    this is gonna be a pretty negative post, so feel free to just ignore me... i would, if i were you.

    spoilered bc triggering, includes numbers n stuff.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    i've just come to the realisation that i am completely disgusted with my body and my weight and i'm never gonna be content with life at this weight. my current BMI is about 22, and yet i feel exactly the same and look exactly the same as when it was at 26. my lowest BMI was only 20, a bit pathetic really. i don't deserve recovery, i'm basically overweight. the only thing keeping me going is knowing that i won't be able to pass my exams if i don't eat. but at the same time i'm questioning whether i'm going to be able to pass my exams anyway because literally all i can think about is food and calories and numbers and weight. i feel so ashamed when i leave the house, i feel like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me. it's really noticeable that i've gained weight and it makes me think my friends are whispering about it behind my back because i've been there when theyve done it to other girls. i spend money on nice clothes which is pointless because they look horrible on me. i hate spending money on food because i don't deserve it.

    i'm just trapped in a pit and tbh, i dont really want to get out of it.
 
 
 
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