Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

Riku
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(Original post by Cinnie)
Hey guys

I am Facebook friends with Toto and it seems like he is still working hard with recovery and doing well. Though I think he is still in a lot of pain due to the damage his ED has done to his body (bones etc.).

---------------

Hi Riku. I wish I could say that my absence has been down to freedom from the ED but for me it's actually been due to despondence and to some extent shame. I binge and purge every day and have gained a great deal of weight because it's very painful and I often end up not being able to purge quite a lot of it (though I am getting better at it which scares me). I am not restricting alongside it because I don't want to have this eating disorder, so that doesn't help with the weight situation but I am doing my best. I feel like it is only a matter of time (aka soon), until I stop eating completely (apart from dinner)... because everything else feels unsafe. If I let myself have even a little bit during the day I just can't stop.

So yeah. My life is kind of falling apart right now... which is fun with 2nd year university exams next month..

My ED seems to have morphed from an acute way of dealing with specific things (and looking back now, very much a choice)... to an uncontrollable obsession and something that actually controls me.
:hugs:
I'm not sure what to say except I hope all's well now and second year exams haven't been too tough. Hopefully with them out of the way you will feel a little less need to control things like this :-) but I know it's never quite that simple.
thoughts with everyone on the thread :-)
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jazzykinks
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Just dropping in to see how everyone's getting on. I've finally finished university! Cannot believe it. I have to say, it's changed me. I think it's made my mental health worse but I'm going to work on healing from that now. How is everyone? Is everything going okay with exams/recovery/life? x
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x-Disenchanted-x
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(Original post by jazzykinks)
Just dropping in to see how everyone's getting on. I've finally finished university! Cannot believe it. I have to say, it's changed me. I think it's made my mental health worse but I'm going to work on healing from that now. How is everyone? Is everything going okay with exams/recovery/life? x
Well done! I've just finished my Masters as well, PhD next! What are your plans now that you've finished all that hard work?
I can totally relate to the effects it has on mental health...I've fallen back to square one and honest to god can't see any way out of this anymore. I've let myself and everyone around me down, tried and tried to get CBT or extra support but South Wales services are appalling. Unless you're about to drop dead from emaciation, you're "not ill enough". I don't feel I can do this alone, I only ever get so far but any without support it's so so hard! Got the furthest I ever managed to get in recovery but went through a hard time and took it out on myself and ruined everything :/
I hope everyone else is doing okay! x
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Anonymous #132
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(Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
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(Original post by jazzykinks)
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Argh, well done guys. I've FINALLY been to the doctors about my anxiety, and now the pills are kicking in, it seems to be helping with this as well. The nausea i had with them for the first two weeks did trigger one hell of a wobble...
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jazzykinks
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(Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
Well done! I've just finished my Masters as well, PhD next! What are your plans now that you've finished all that hard work?
I can totally relate to the effects it has on mental health...I've fallen back to square one and honest to god can't see any way out of this anymore. I've let myself and everyone around me down, tried and tried to get CBT or extra support but South Wales services are appalling. Unless you're about to drop dead from emaciation, you're "not ill enough". I don't feel I can do this alone, I only ever get so far but any without support it's so so hard! Got the furthest I ever managed to get in recovery but went through a hard time and took it out on myself and ruined everything :/
I hope everyone else is doing okay! x
I haven't relapsed with an ED or anything but my depression is at its worst -- I never used to get anxiety and panic attacks but now I do and I generally feel very low. My plans are to start work in June (back to my rubbish summer job but hey, I'd rather work than stay at home and not have money coming in) and try and start healing from the damage that uni has done.

The thing is, you haven't let anyone down. You gave it your all and you've walked away with a Masters, which is not easy at all. Now that your Masters is over, maybe you need to take some time out to look after yourself before your PhD starts. That may help. Realise that actually, if you try and get better, it will have a positive effect on your work for your PhD -- you'll be able to concentrate more on research than your ED. x

(Original post by Anonymous)
Argh, well done guys. I've FINALLY been to the doctors about my anxiety, and now the pills are kicking in, it seems to be helping with this as well. The nausea i had with them for the first two weeks did trigger one hell of a wobble...
That's good news but unfortunately, they do have some side-effects. Just keep going and stay strong! x
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Anonymous #43
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(Original post by jazzykinks)
Just dropping in to see how everyone's getting on. I've finally finished university! Cannot believe it. I have to say, it's changed me. I think it's made my mental health worse but I'm going to work on healing from that now. How is everyone? Is everything going okay with exams/recovery/life? x
That's amazing to hear Jazzy

I know exactly what you mean. I've only slightly improved from where I was during A2s-the main difference is now that I recognise I'm not dying (most of the time) and I'm consequently not as gripped by the ED (although I haven't out much weight on/do still get body image problems and the 'good food/bad food' distortion)

I have however seen that my intrusive thought processes (possibly the Pure O form of OCD?), anxiety and depression have slightly ruined my uni experience. I lived at home, I didn't make many friends, my social anxiety is still not great, I had an amazing and supportive girlfriend who picked me up at my absolute lowest in second year and I ruined things with her because of my own hangups about my manhood/attractiveness compared to her guy friends so she may not ever talk to me again...and I'm on the computer wayyy too much. I've probably lost a classification due to late essays and if I don't do my last essay in the next 2 days it could go down again. I am starting to accept I may in fact have been suffering depression on top.

The main thing that's changed is that I can now see myself as more in control of my destiny, I have a strong support network with old close friends off of campus and my family as well as the professionals, I can see consistent patterns in my destructive thought processes and behaviours, and I have some sort of action plan of how to change things (such as, I really have to stop being on the Internet so much). I just now need to find the courage to follow it through and make a change

Got much planned for the long summer?
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(Original post by jazzykinks)
Just dropping in to see how everyone's getting on. I've finally finished university! Cannot believe it. I have to say, it's changed me. I think it's made my mental health worse but I'm going to work on healing from that now. How is everyone? Is everything going okay with exams/recovery/life? x
That's amazing to hear Jazzy

I know exactly what you mean. I've only slightly improved from where I was during A2s-the main difference is now that I recognise I'm not dying (most of the time) and I'm consequently not as gripped by the ED (although I haven't out much weight on/do still get body image problems and the 'good food/bad food' distortion)

I have however seen that my intrusive thought processes (possibly the Pure O form of OCD?), anxiety and depression have slightly ruined my uni experience. I lived at home, I didn't make many friends, my social anxiety is still not great, I had an amazing and supportive girlfriend who picked me up at my absolute lowest in second year and I ruined things with her because of my own hangups about my manhood/attractiveness compared to her guy friends so she may not ever talk to me again (I should have listened to you, I'm sorry)...and I'm on the computer wayyy too much. I've probably lost a classification due to late essays and if I don't do my last essay in the next 2 days it could go down again. I am starting to accept I may in fact have been suffering depression on top of my anxiety difficulties.

The main thing that's changed is that I can now see myself as more in control of my destiny. I have a strong support network with old close friends off of campus and my family as well as the professionals, I can see consistent patterns in my destructive thought processes and behaviours, and I have some sort of action plan of how to change things (such as, I really have to stop being on the Internet so much). I just now need to find the courage to follow it through and make a change

Got much planned for the long summer?
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Riku
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^^ I am Anon
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jazzykinks
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(Original post by Riku)
^^ I am Anon
I feel like uni has made me worse. I unfortunately picked a very homogeneous uni and I've experienced so much sexism and racism there because the majority of students are white, middle-class.

Have you applied for any mitigation? I've had to over my years at uni and it's really helped with deadlines and exams.

My plans? Try to get a job, enjoy my free time and cultivate new hobbies. I'm going to try and start focusing on myself so that I can try and repair the damage that uni has done x
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TotoMimo
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Hello again, for the first time in nearly a year!

I'm so sorry you guys. I'm sorry that I seemed as though I'd deserted you all for the longest time. The reality is, that life is starting to get back on track, and this is the final stage of my recovery period - incidentally, the hardest part.

It's the part that they call "severing".

Sadly it also meant distancing myself from anything from the "old life", just short of one-on-one therapy; but I'm back on track, back working at my job (working as a game developer at Ubisoft, being reintegrated into the team, and to those that know anything about gaming, I got to be a part of the Watch_Dogs and now, The Division's development cycle!), new flat in Newcastle, new everything.

Breaking the old cycle means you must cut a lot of ties, and I was advised a period of several months, whilst starting the "new life", that I cut cords and isolate myself from that "old world" that crippled me in the first place.

Of course, that wasn't always easy, but it was the best thing I ever did.

Sure, there will always be remnants of demons inside but having that time, just starting a brand new life, felt so liberating. Like hatching from an egg. Actually, it's more like a metamorphosis; having been one man, then being trapped in a cocoon, then being afraid to break out of it. Instead of cracking that cocoon bit by bit, I decided to smash it into a million pieces and dive out, head-first, not looking back. The result is, I'm back into the real world again. Two, nearly three years in active recovery and I am now walking the steps of a new man again.

There've been problems - I'm still utterly riddled with osteoporosis and after working for four months I was out of the game for a full six weeks when my vertebrae cracked under duress - but the fact is, I'm here and I'm trying. Though I've scarred myself horribly from the time spent in the cocoon, I have wings now. And though I don't yet know how to fly to my full potential - I now at least have the tools to.

Once again, I'm sorry I had to go cold-turkey for so long, but I hope you all understand. I never deserted you or left you high and dry. I hope the community that established itself here looked after you all in my wake and though I might not be here nearly as often to help you all, I will continue to stop by from time to time and offer what knowledge I have to those that might have use of it.

I love you all dearly and hope you continue the psychological battles that stop you from breaking from your own cocoons. I simply hope you forgive me for doing what I had to do; it wasn't my intention to leave or forsake, but rather strengthen myself with the intention of starting life again, so that I might taste normality once more.

Major hugs to everyone.
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(Original post by TotoMimo)
Hello again, for the first time in nearly a year!

I'm so sorry you guys. I'm sorry that I seemed as though I'd deserted you all for the longest time. The reality is, that life is starting to get back on track, and this is the final stage of my recovery period - incidentally, the hardest part.

It's the part that they call "severing".

Sadly it also meant distancing myself from anything from the "old life", just short of one-on-one therapy; but I'm back on track, back working at my job (working as a game developer at Ubisoft, being reintegrated into the team, and to those that know anything about gaming, I got to be a part of the Watch_Dogs and now, The Division's development cycle!), new flat in Newcastle, new everything.

Breaking the old cycle means you must cut a lot of ties, and I was advised a period of several months, whilst starting the "new life", that I cut cords and isolate myself from that "old world" that crippled me in the first place.

Of course, that wasn't always easy, but it was the best thing I ever did.

Sure, there will always be remnants of demons inside but having that time, just starting a brand new life, felt so liberating. Like hatching from an egg. Actually, it's more like a metamorphosis; having been one man, then being trapped in a cocoon, then being afraid to break out of it. Instead of cracking that cocoon bit by bit, I decided to smash it into a million pieces and dive out, head-first, not looking back. The result is, I'm back into the real world again. Two, nearly three years in active recovery and I am now walking the steps of a new man again.

There've been problems - I'm still utterly riddled with osteoporosis and after working for four months I was out of the game for a full six weeks when my vertebrae cracked under duress - but the fact is, I'm here and I'm trying. Though I've scarred myself horribly from the time spent in the cocoon, I have wings now. And though I don't yet know how to fly to my full potential - I now at least have the tools to.

Once again, I'm sorry I had to go cold-turkey for so long, but I hope you all understand. I never deserted you or left you high and dry. I hope the community that established itself here looked after you all in my wake and though I might not be here nearly as often to help you all, I will continue to stop by from time to time and offer what knowledge I have to those that might have use of it.

I love you all dearly and hope you continue the psychological battles that stop you from breaking from your own cocoons. I simply hope you forgive me for doing what I had to do; it wasn't my intention to leave or forsake, but rather strengthen myself with the intention of starting life again, so that I might taste normality once more.

Major hugs to everyone.
You sir, are a ****ing inspiration. Missed you :-)
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TotoMimo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You sir, are a ****ing inspiration. Missed you :-)
I just feel so foul for having left those of you who needed direction for so long. I am back now, and I'm more than capable of give advice! Though I'm not perfect, I'm now in a position where I feel relevant and able to give you advice that's both relevant and healthy.

Keep going, guys. I'm just an semi-old dude, but every person I see dismissing my path of life gives me a boon of endorphines. I actively love those smartypants who dodged the pitfalls I fell into.



Strive for something, sure. but tiny thin-framedness isn't that thing. Strive for success. Smiles. A reason to be the person who you are. Your frame isn't that. A construction site doesn't dote on the shape and size of the cranes. It merely yearns for the things that come of the materials it moves around.
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x-Disenchanted-x
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(Original post by TotoMimo)
I just feel so foul for having left those of you who needed direction for so long. I am back now, and I'm more than capable of give advice! Though I'm not perfect, I'm now in a position where I feel relevant and able to give you advice that's both relevant and healthy.

Keep going, guys. I'm just an semi-old dude, but every person I see dismissing my path of life gives me a boon of endorphines. I actively love those smartypants who dodged the pitfalls I fell into.



Strive for something, sure. but tiny thin-framedness isn't that thing. Strive for success. Smiles. A reason to be the person who you are. Your frame isn't that. A construction site doesn't dote on the shape and size of the cranes. It merely yearns for the things that come of the materials it moves around.
You are incredible. I'm thankful to some truly inspirational people on this forum and you are all incredibly strong people. Posts like this stay in my mind long throughout the days and weeks and are usually the things that make me think twice in that moment before I harm or deprive my poor body in some way again.
Just wanted to say well done Toto and to others who have been absolute role models. Thank you for setting great examples and for helping those of us who are struggling back up when we're knocked down and giving us a reason to keep on fighting x
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jazzykinks
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(Original post by TotoMimo)
I just feel so foul for having left those of you who needed direction for so long. I am back now, and I'm more than capable of give advice! Though I'm not perfect, I'm now in a position where I feel relevant and able to give you advice that's both relevant and healthy.

Keep going, guys. I'm just an semi-old dude, but every person I see dismissing my path of life gives me a boon of endorphines. I actively love those smartypants who dodged the pitfalls I fell into.



Strive for something, sure. but tiny thin-framedness isn't that thing. Strive for success. Smiles. A reason to be the person who you are. Your frame isn't that. A construction site doesn't dote on the shape and size of the cranes. It merely yearns for the things that come of the materials it moves around.
So glad to here from you, Toto. I'm so happy for you and proud of you. You're truly inspirational. So glad! x
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455409
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Is binge eating every evening an eating disorder and should I be worried?

Virtually every day after work I deal with the stress by eating silly amounts of sugary and fatty food, i've put on 2.5 inches to my waist in the last 12 months. What do I do to stop?
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Team_McDreamy
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(Original post by james1211)
Is binge eating every evening an eating disorder and should I be worried?

Virtually every day after work I deal with the stress by eating silly amounts of sugary and fatty food, i've put on 2.5 inches to my waist in the last 12 months. What do I do to stop?
:hugs:

binge eating disorder is a very real thing, despite many people disregarding it so easily these days, it's a very scary position to be in when food holds such a power over you (i have a background of binging and purging, so i completely understand how it feels out of your control). i'd mention it to your doc next time you go, they might be able to refer you on to someone who could help, and maybe give you some advice to deal with the stress in a more productive way.

in the meantime i'd say first thing to do is to stop buying those foods. yes, sometimes that wont help and you'll eat anyway, but if you can remove some of the triggers, thats the first place to start. then think about the kind of stress that you're dealing with - can it be resolved in any way? could you talk it out with someone when it gets overwhelming? could you ask somebody at work for help to try and lighten your load a bit? also look at your diet throughout the day - when we undernourish our bodies its our natural instinct for our brains to crave sugar and fat and everything like that, so make sure you're eating enough at breakfast and lunch - complex carbs, lean proteins, plenty of fruits and veggies, heart healthy fats and so on.

hope this helps!
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455409
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(Original post by Team_McDreamy)
:hugs:

binge eating disorder is a very real thing, despite many people disregarding it so easily these days, it's a very scary position to be in when food holds such a power over you (i have a background of binging and purging, so i completely understand how it feels out of your control). i'd mention it to your doc next time you go, they might be able to refer you on to someone who could help, and maybe give you some advice to deal with the stress in a more productive way.

in the meantime i'd say first thing to do is to stop buying those foods. yes, sometimes that wont help and you'll eat anyway, but if you can remove some of the triggers, thats the first place to start. then think about the kind of stress that you're dealing with - can it be resolved in any way? could you talk it out with someone when it gets overwhelming? could you ask somebody at work for help to try and lighten your load a bit? also look at your diet throughout the day - when we undernourish our bodies its our natural instinct for our brains to crave sugar and fat and everything like that, so make sure you're eating enough at breakfast and lunch - complex carbs, lean proteins, plenty of fruits and veggies, heart healthy fats and so on.

hope this helps!
I wrote a reply to you on my phone 2 days ago and thought it sent but it hasnt sorry
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Team_McDreamy
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(Original post by james1211)
I wrote a reply to you on my phone 2 days ago and thought it sent but it hasnt sorry
no probs
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ScaryScience
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blah, feeling bad. possibly triggering

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uni this year has literally broken me into a million pieces. about 2/3 years ago I used to binge and purge a lot, but managed to stop gradually. since ive been at uni not only has depression got to terrible level, but just have this obsession with food again. the trouble is, i'm actually in the overweight range now kind of relapsed into old ways a few weeks ago and as stupid as it sounds I just don't want to eat any more. I don't know why I'm writing any of this and I don't know how I feel. so conflicted and my mind is just such a mess
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Anonymous #168
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Hi, guys, long time no chat. I hope everyone is well! I'm not doing well at all tbh.

This is probably triggering so...

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I'm seriously struggling today, I can't even drink (this is usually a problem, but it's even more troublesome right now for some reason :erm:). I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to give up, like...how do I cope with this? People won't take me seriously if I tell them, I'm still at a healthy weight. But I just can't deal with it. Urgh...I feel so stupid. :cry2:
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