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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hello again, for the first time in nearly a year!

    I'm so sorry you guys. I'm sorry that I seemed as though I'd deserted you all for the longest time. The reality is, that life is starting to get back on track, and this is the final stage of my recovery period - incidentally, the hardest part.

    It's the part that they call "severing".

    Sadly it also meant distancing myself from anything from the "old life", just short of one-on-one therapy; but I'm back on track, back working at my job (working as a game developer at Ubisoft, being reintegrated into the team, and to those that know anything about gaming, I got to be a part of the Watch_Dogs and now, The Division's development cycle!), new flat in Newcastle, new everything.

    Breaking the old cycle means you must cut a lot of ties, and I was advised a period of several months, whilst starting the "new life", that I cut cords and isolate myself from that "old world" that crippled me in the first place.

    Of course, that wasn't always easy, but it was the best thing I ever did.

    Sure, there will always be remnants of demons inside but having that time, just starting a brand new life, felt so liberating. Like hatching from an egg. Actually, it's more like a metamorphosis; having been one man, then being trapped in a cocoon, then being afraid to break out of it. Instead of cracking that cocoon bit by bit, I decided to smash it into a million pieces and dive out, head-first, not looking back. The result is, I'm back into the real world again. Two, nearly three years in active recovery and I am now walking the steps of a new man again.

    There've been problems - I'm still utterly riddled with osteoporosis and after working for four months I was out of the game for a full six weeks when my vertebrae cracked under duress - but the fact is, I'm here and I'm trying. Though I've scarred myself horribly from the time spent in the cocoon, I have wings now. And though I don't yet know how to fly to my full potential - I now at least have the tools to.

    Once again, I'm sorry I had to go cold-turkey for so long, but I hope you all understand. I never deserted you or left you high and dry. I hope the community that established itself here looked after you all in my wake and though I might not be here nearly as often to help you all, I will continue to stop by from time to time and offer what knowledge I have to those that might have use of it.

    I love you all dearly and hope you continue the psychological battles that stop you from breaking from your own cocoons. I simply hope you forgive me for doing what I had to do; it wasn't my intention to leave or forsake, but rather strengthen myself with the intention of starting life again, so that I might taste normality once more.

    Major hugs to everyone.
    Good to see you post Toto. Much respect to you for doing what you needed to do, as others have said, you are an inspiration. Glad to hear that things have been going well for you, and that you are getting a taste of normality again.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, guys, long time no chat. I hope everyone is well! I'm not doing well at all tbh.

    This is probably triggering so...

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    I'm seriously struggling today, I can't even drink (this is usually a problem, but it's even more troublesome right now for some reason :erm:). I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to give up, like...how do I cope with this? People won't take me seriously if I tell them, I'm still at a healthy weight. But I just can't deal with it. Urgh...I feel so stupid. :cry2:
    Are you getting any professional support at the moment? It sounds like you really need to if you're struggling to drink at the moment, and people will take you seriously - weight is irrelevant, if you are struggling to eat and drink, it is a problem. Try to keep drinking something - even just small sips, little and often.

    -----

    I am home on my longest leave so far - Thursday afternoon until Sunday after dinner, so that I could watch the England match at home.

    I've struggled a bit today. I was on my own for some of the day, and I ended up skipping morning and afternoon snack. On the more positive side, I did eat breakfast, lunch and light pudding, dinner and main pudding, and evening snack, so it's not too bad. I'm finding it really hard to eat on my own - the eating disordered thoughts are there just telling me this is my opportunity to avoid eating, to restrict calories, to burn calories, to lose weight. I'm scared that choosing to stick to my meal plan when I'm alone means that I'm overreacting, there's nothing wrong, that I am greedy and fat and weak and lack willpower.

    But at the same time I want this leave to go well, so that my consultant lets me go home on a longer leave again soon, and so that I can work towards coping on my own when I am discharged. I don't want to spend my life hating myself for allowing myself to eat, I want to be able to do it wihout worrying. So tomorrow I need to try to stick to my meal plan.
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    stuck in pseudo-relapse, somebody get me out of here
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    not losing enough for it to be taken seriously, not eating enough to be able to live my life
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    I'm in such a bad place atm .. need help
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I'm in such a bad place atm .. need help
    What's happened? Anything triggered it?
    Here to talk.
    X
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    I'm new to this thread. I feel so sad after reading your posts.

    I'm planning to go and live alone in a different city from my family and friends just to get away from them so I can be alone with my Anorexia and not have people watching me and asking me endless questions. It feels like the best plan ever, but amazingly there is a part of me that is actually telling me that it's a disastrous idea. I was genuinely surprised when I started having these thoughts of this being a bad idea because for the longest time all I could hear in my head was it's going to be great so go for it and don't let anything or anyone dare to change your mind. I was completely driven to live by myself with my ED. I just finished my first year of uni which I had to repeat because of Anorexia. I live with my mum, but I really don't want to live with her anymore, however, this is no because she's a terrible person, but because I just feel so driven to get away from her watchful eyes. My counselor at uni thinks it's the worst idea in the world and I shouldn't follow through. My nurse specialist also thought it was a bad idea. In my head I believe I will be able to function very well on my own and do well at uni, but I don' know. I might crumble. Either way I don't really have a choice because mum's going to get a job far away from where we currently live which would leave me homeless.

    What I don't want is to fail or drop out of my 2nd year. I really don't deal with failure very well.

    On another note, I met with my psychiatrist for the first time yesterday. I have spoken to him on the phone before, but had not met him. He said I was antagonizing and trying to control him and our whole meeting. That stung a bit. Anyway I finished therapy 3 weeks ago and I just got really sick since, but I didn't really care. My counselor called and asked that I be seen again because she was really worried about me and so he put me on the waiting list for further therapy. Today I spoke to my counselor about it and she said that I do try to control her sometimes. Hmm I was shocked. Everytime I enter her office, as soon as I sit down I move the box of tissues and her clock on the table next to me to put it in my perfect position. She said that that's me controlling my environment which she doesn't mind one bit as it doesn't affect her in any way whatsoever, but it shows my controlling nature. To make matters worse today the other counselors were having a conversation right outside my door and I could hear them which I didn't like so I asked my counselor to go and tell them to shut up because it was really bothering me. She went and asked them to keep it down which they did, but then my counselor used that as an example of me trying to control her by making her do stuff. Well I really didn't think that was very fair at all, because it's supposed to be a quiet environment anyway and I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying or what my counselor was saying because they were speaking way too loudly it was as if they were in the room with us. I am sure I was in the right to ask for them to be quiet so I could have a successful session without feeling paranoid that they could hear me. Was I being controlling?
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    stuck in a really bad purge cycle, any advice on how to break it would be much appreciated
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    Thanks for writing all of that, just reassures people that they aren't alone. I suffer from anorexia and in the past, bulimia. It is a horrible, horrible experience for anyone to go through.

    In 2007, I first knew I was anorexic when I didn't want to eat normal meals. The whole concept of eating just disgusted me and I wanted to be thinner, like my classmates at school but eventually, I became weak and just lost control of the situation. The doctor diagnosed me with both anorexia and depression when I was 13, and even now, I still try to get by in life without hating myself or anything like that but it has been difficult. In 2009, I started to throw up after eating because I heard someone in the girls toilets say that it was the best thing to do when trying to keep the weight off, and like an idiot, I believed her. But this didn't last long as I tried to do it in secret and people were always around, so to save embarrassment I stopped.

    A lot of people in life, don't have to go through depression or deal with the circumstances that cause eating disorders and they are some of my friends and they find it hard to understand what I go through which honestly means that I feel alone and isolated sometimes. I also find it hard to eat in front of people because I just think that they would think I'm disgusting.

    Everything, will be better one day though, I hope
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    (Original post by Team_McDreamy)
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    stuck in a really bad purge cycle, any advice on how to break it would be much appreciated
    I'll private message you
    • #75
    #75

    It's safe to say that I haven't posted on here in I don't even know how long - possibly 2 years?

    I must admit that a lot of you are suffering at the moment and there isn't much positivity about and unfortunately I can't help on that front too much.

    Does anyone have much experience with exercise abuse?

    Thanks
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's safe to say that I haven't posted on here in I don't even know how long - possibly 2 years?

    I must admit that a lot of you are suffering at the moment and there isn't much positivity about and unfortunately I can't help on that front too much.

    Does anyone have much experience with exercise abuse?

    Thanks
    best thing with exercise abuse is to just stop for a while, it is very hard to try and cut down as exercising less when you think you're getting fitter seems counterintuitive, I struggled a lot and every time I tried to cut down I would drop it a bit and then just get carried away one day and it would be a 'one off' (but it wasn't) and then I'd end up increasing again, getting 3 stress fractures was the best thing that could've happened as I was completely unable to walk for a while as my leg couldn't take any weight and then it was a long time before I could exercise properly so it really got me out of the habit

    it is a very hard one and unfortunately as it's so encouraged in society it is (in my opinion) one of the hardest things to deal with, but you can get to a stage where you're okay with exercise, it is nearly 5 years since I began my recovery journey and I'm finally in a place where I can cycle commute to work without worrying I'll get overly obsessed and when I have annual leave I just don't exercise much and that's okay too you just need to cut it out and start facing fears (e.g. dont get into the habit of only having difficult foods on workout days)
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    (Original post by HiLzis)
    I'm new to this thread. I feel so sad after reading your posts.

    I'm planning to go and live alone in a different city from my family and friends just to get away from them so I can be alone with my Anorexia and not have people watching me and asking me endless questions. It feels like the best plan ever, but amazingly there is a part of me that is actually telling me that it's a disastrous idea. I was genuinely surprised when I started having these thoughts of this being a bad idea because for the longest time all I could hear in my head was it's going to be great so go for it and don't let anything or anyone dare to change your mind. I was completely driven to live by myself with my ED. I just finished my first year of uni which I had to repeat because of Anorexia. I live with my mum, but I really don't want to live with her anymore, however, this is no because she's a terrible person, but because I just feel so driven to get away from her watchful eyes. My counselor at uni thinks it's the worst idea in the world and I shouldn't follow through. My nurse specialist also thought it was a bad idea. In my head I believe I will be able to function very well on my own and do well at uni, but I don' know. I might crumble. Either way I don't really have a choice because mum's going to get a job far away from where we currently live which would leave me homeless.

    What I don't want is to fail or drop out of my 2nd year. I really don't deal with failure very well.

    On another note, I met with my psychiatrist for the first time yesterday. I have spoken to him on the phone before, but had not met him. He said I was antagonizing and trying to control him and our whole meeting. That stung a bit. Anyway I finished therapy 3 weeks ago and I just got really sick since, but I didn't really care. My counselor called and asked that I be seen again because she was really worried about me and so he put me on the waiting list for further therapy. Today I spoke to my counselor about it and she said that I do try to control her sometimes. Hmm I was shocked. Everytime I enter her office, as soon as I sit down I move the box of tissues and her clock on the table next to me to put it in my perfect position. She said that that's me controlling my environment which she doesn't mind one bit as it doesn't affect her in any way whatsoever, but it shows my controlling nature. To make matters worse today the other counselors were having a conversation right outside my door and I could hear them which I didn't like so I asked my counselor to go and tell them to shut up because it was really bothering me. She went and asked them to keep it down which they did, but then my counselor used that as an example of me trying to control her by making her do stuff. Well I really didn't think that was very fair at all, because it's supposed to be a quiet environment anyway and I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying or what my counselor was saying because they were speaking way too loudly it was as if they were in the room with us. I am sure I was in the right to ask for them to be quiet so I could have a successful session without feeling paranoid that they could hear me. Was I being controlling?
    Hi sweetie, I'm Jazzy. I suffered with anorexia for about 2 years and I've been recovered for 4 years now.

    I really would say that moving out to live by yourself isn't a good idea because then the anorexia really will take over. I had a similar problem about living with my mum whilst having an ED but you have to realise that she is only watching you because she cares. She is not an enemy, although it may seem like that now (I know it did for me). I'm sure you would be able to function alone, but would it really be functioning, or would it be the ED controlling you? Is there any way you can still live with someone, maybe someone who may know about your ED? What's your current uni situation? Having an ED makes it hard to concentrate so uni may be difficult.

    I'm not too sure what to say about whether or not you were being controlling in that situation -- I don't have much experience with stuff like that.

    Keep in touch x
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    Hi everyone, it's Jazzy. Just thought I'd give you guys a little low-down on what's going on for me and just some general tips.

    What's happening with me:
    - Just graduated, although my mental health problems really interfered with my grades. Still, I'm glad I didn't drop out and stuck through with it because I honestly never thought I'd graduate. I got a 2:2 and I'm proud for sticking with it!
    - Jobless. That is really making my depression worse. (Anyone know of any jobs going?)
    - Loads of free time to try and get my mental health back on track.

    Some words for you guys:
    - I am ALWAYS here for you all, no matter what may be troubling you. Drop me a message or write on here and I will get back to you ASAP.
    - Stay strong, believe in yourself. I know it's hard when you feel down, but if you can just hold on to one little thing to inspire you to fight, you've won half the battle.
    - Set yourself realistic goals but don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve them.
    - Remember how much you have to look forward to if you beat this thing!
    - Keep in touch, always here for you all. Love you guys x
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    I just feel so huge and disgusting constantly.

    I feel a relapse coming on..could anyone answer my other question on this if they believe that they could help?

    xxxx
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    (Original post by floralfantasist)
    I just feel so huge and disgusting constantly.

    I feel a relapse coming on..could anyone answer my other question on this if they believe that they could help?

    xxxx
    *hug*

    I'm always here to help and answer questions if you'd like x
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    Hi there, I know anyone hasn't posted in here in a while but if anyone does see this some help would be appreciated.

    Basically, for as long as I can remember I've been very aware of my weight, I remember asking for a trampoline for my Christmas in primary school because I wanted to try and use it to lose weight. Despite this I've always been a healthy weight, but I have gone through spells of dieting and falling off the wagon basically my whole teenage life.
    Now I'm 20 and back in January I made the New Years resolution to lose weight, and get healthier and fitter. All was fine to start with, but I gained quite a bit of weight when I went home for Easter, so when I went back I decided to push myself a bit harder. Then exams came and I started having days where I just ate like crazy. I am reluctant to call it binges, but these episodes did have a lot of characteristics of a binge (2-3000 calories in a very short space of time, eating in secret, eating faster) and I felt powerless to stop it, like something out with my control was making me eat all that food. I would end the day feeling miserable and would quite often cry and get really angry with myself.
    Then I came home for summer and I decided to completely dedicate myself to the weightloss. I'm currently about 5-7lbs lighter than I was during the exam time. But now I feel like it's gone a bit too far. I don't want to go out with friends any more because of alcohol calories, I feel extremely uneasy about other people making my food, to the point where I have made my own food separately from my parents even though we're eating the same meals, just so I know the exact measurements of the food I'm eating. I can't eat food that hasn't been weighed/ measured, and I meticulously count every calorie that I eat. I get angry when people invite me out for dinner because I feel like they are trying to sabotage my progress, and I fight with my parents constantly about the amount of oil they use in their cooking. I'm counting down the days until I go back to uni and can be in total control of what I eat.
    As well as this, I have these episodes where I just eat like crazy. I've tried on several occasions to make myself sick following them but have never succeeded. I do exercise a lot that day/ the following days and will restrict my calorie intake for the following days to compensate for what has happened. This comes in waves and can happen 3 times a week for some periods of time, but then I can go weeks without feeling the urge.
    I'm not for a minute suggesting I have an eating disorder, but at the same time I know this behaviour is not normal and it's making me miserable. The thing is, if someone asked me why I want to lose more weight I couldn't give a reason. In my rational mind I know I'm slim and healthy, but soMe days I just see this whale in the mirror and I feel disgusted at my body. I think I'm just obsessed with seeing the scales go down and seeing my body change. I know I'm starting to worry people close to me, and I feel like I need to seek help before it becomes something more serious, but don't have a clue who to speak to. I don't feel I could approach any of my friends about this.
    Thanks to anyone who reads this, any feedback would be appreciated, even if it is just to tell me I'm being over dramatic and this is what every dieter feels like. I just needed to vent somewhere.


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    As always Toto, massively proud of you my friend!!

    To everyone else, I don't know who's still around from when I used to live on this thread, I'm Jaz and am happy to chat to peoples
    Am almost relapsing a little following the end of uni (scraped a pass, but am over the moon with it as I didn't think I'd be graduating this year due to other MH difficulties throught years 2/3) and a being bit stressed but my incredible support network of friends and my sisters have helped me spot it early and fighting to stay on track!

    Lots of love all round
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    (Original post by jft18)
    As always Toto, massively proud of you my friend!!

    To everyone else, I don't know who's still around from when I used to live on this thread, I'm Jaz and am happy to chat to peoples
    Am almost relapsing a little following the end of uni (scraped a pass, but am over the moon with it as I didn't think I'd be graduating this year due to other MH difficulties throught years 2/3) and a being bit stressed but my incredible support network of friends and my sisters have helped me spot it early and fighting to stay on track!

    Lots of love all round
    Congratulations! You should be so proud
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    (Original post by ScaryScience)
    Congratulations! You should be so proud
    Thank you so much!

    How are you doing, sweetie?
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    (Original post by hermitthefrog)
    Thanks to anyone who reads this, any feedback would be appreciated, even if it is just to tell me I'm being over dramatic and this is what every dieter feels like. I just needed to vent somewhere.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    This isn't how every dieter feels like. I would say it's bordering on obsession and there are definite signs for concern. Getting healthy is a slow process, not one where you measure everything and beat yourself up if you eat too much on one day :\ x
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    (Original post by jft18)
    Thank you so much!

    How are you doing, sweetie?
    The eating side of things is generally stable at the moment but my mood is dreadful. Thanks for asking though How are you doing? :hugs:
 
 
 
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