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    Told him and he's been so supportive, not too overbearing, just sitting with me at mealtimes, gently accepting that sometimes I can't finish but spurring me on when I do. I am slowly gaining weight again. It feels a little easier to have told him and a couple of friends.
    I let myself join in with the family and have my first McDonald's in 10 years last week
    Cheers for all your support! Knew I could count on your advice here. I'm always here if anyone needs support too even if I don't log in as much as I used to!
    • #222
    #222

    My story may be slightly different but I still want to share. I'm remaining anonymous because I'm still not comfortable with it all.


    I have a rocky home life all my life and my relationship with my "friends" have been awful for the last 5 years. I'm a 16 year old guy and I'm in lower 6th at school.
    The last few months of 5th year where difficult. I hated my body. I would walk around school with my head down and I struggled going to school. One day in religious studies I had to do a drama thing in front of the class. I was not comfortable with this and I was so embarrassed. During it I heard someone say "he's so ugly" and it killed me inside. I self harmed after and It was such a bad experience. There where experiences before then but that was the start of my problems.


    From then, my self confidence plummeted. So this summer I never saw my friends because they had to work or they had to visit their boyfriends/girlfriends so I was left alone. I saw them twice. I became extremely lonely and didn't know what to do. I thought everyone hated me because I was ugly. I eventually began to think I was fat. I'm not fat. I was actually very skinny to begin with. But I just thought I was fat. I would walk around sucking in my stomach constantly and would think "I'm so fat" so many times throughout the day.


    I began to exercise 6 days a week and would barely eat. I couldn't accept myself. (I'm also gay but have not accepted it yet). I wanted to be like every other guy in my year. A lot of them where in great shape and I wanted to be like that so I began to eat less and less. I was having a breakdown every day and I was lost. This was the only thing I couldn't control on my life.


    I don't have scales in my house so u have no idea what weight I am but I a very unhappy still. When I am upset or angry I would binge eat and then I would feel so guilty that I wouldn't eat for ages or exercise a lot. I don't look in the mirror if I'm getting a shower and i would never go around without wearing a shirt.


    I'm obsessed with numbers as well. I constantly read the food labels and if they don't have the percentages on the packet, then I calculate the percentage for myself. When I do cardio, It would tell me how many calories I burn. Even if the calories lost went down by even 1 than normal then I would feel guilty and still feel fat. I'm struggling with eating now as I am back at school but I'm trying to manage.


    I don't know if this is actually an eating disorder as I have had. No diagnosis. I've had thoughts of making myself throw up but I haven't yet and I'm trying not to.
    I have to do swimming at school now and I'm really nervous about having to go to the pool. I'll feel so exposed and feel like everyone is talking about my weight or how I look..
    • #173
    #173

    I haven't posted here for a while but I've come seeking help.

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    I've reached a point where I'm fed up with my weight, so I'm slowly phasing out food. I know I shouldn't, but watching those numbers fall on the scale is giving me such joy. I don't eat breakfast, and I've started skipping lunch too. I'm allowing myself dinner, because my boyfriend and I eat dinner together, and I don't want to get caught.

    Today I caved and ate a small pack of chocolate buttons. It was only 75 calories, but I'm already thinking about how I can work off those calories.

    I need help
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    ^That was me
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    (Original post by snowyowl)
    ^That was me
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    Snowy you can't honestly expect us to approve of such self destructive behaviour :-( well I'm glad you came to someone for help before things get any worse.

    Has there been any stress, big life changes or major upsets lately that may have re triggered ED thoughts? If you are unwilling tp disclose to us have you told your boyfriend? Even if you don't want to share your restriction-I can understand why you may struggle to open up to someone you care for-he IS there to be there for you when things get tough?

    :hugs:
    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by Riku)
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    Snowy you can't honestly expect us to approve of such self destructive behaviour :-( well I'm glad you came to someone for help before things get any worse.

    Has there been any stress, big life changes or major upsets lately that may have re triggered ED thoughts? If you are unwilling tp disclose to us have you told your boyfriend? Even if you don't want to share your restriction-I can understand why you may struggle to open up to someone you care for-he IS there to be there for you when things get tough?

    :hugs:
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    I don't expect it to be approved, I expect (and deserve!) a cyber-slap in the face :p:

    I can't think of anything, except that I weighed myself recently. I've always been around the 8st mark, but I've allowed myself to grow to 10st 6lb and I'm disgusted with myself. I'm so desperate to lose it that I've gone back to what I used to do at 6th form (when I used to weigh 7 and a half stone)...

    I don't want him to know. I couldn't face his response if he knew what I was doing to myself. I've recently had a cold so I've just been telling him my appetite has disappeared... which it has, but not because I've been ill.

    I've just had a bowl of cereal, and now I feel sick and want to cry
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    I don't expect it to be approved, I expect (and deserve!) a cyber-slap in the face :p:

    I can't think of anything, except that I weighed myself recently. I've always been around the 8st mark, but I've allowed myself to grow to 10st 6lb and I'm disgusted with myself. I'm so desperate to lose it that I've gone back to what I used to do at 6th form (when I used to weigh 7 and a half stone)...

    I don't want him to know. I couldn't face his response if he knew what I was doing to myself. I've recently had a cold so I've just been telling him my appetite has disappeared... which it has, but not because I've been ill.

    I've just had a bowl of cereal, and now I feel sick and want to cry
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    Well regrettably I am going to have to cyber-slap you and then :hug: you

    Snowy you must know by now that whatever number the scale says, it's not going to make you happy and you;ll want it lower/different? That's restriction 101

    OK. I know I find periods of stress can cause me to want to weigh myself more-although mine is different and I want the scale to go up (with muscle pfah) it is still the same "I am not happy and changing my body might make me happy". That or I have had something which makes me question my body image (for example events leading up to my last breakup which I'm posting below).

    It never works.

    I understand you don't want to hurt him, but do you not think he'll be just as hurt if you can't trust him with things like this? Although I do know what it's like to have big trust issues with SOs/anyone so can see where you're coming from…he loves you and he would want you to share these things with him so he can help you get better, in times of distress like this.

    there's not much else I can say, stay strong and remember you can talk to us anytime x

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    ^^^ me Snowy

    ___________________

    This is probably going to sound whiney as TSR always tell me, but why is there still a code of silence for guys regarding body image issues where there is, I will concede still far too much media pressure and unhealthy representations of 'beauty' for women, but the beginning of an understanding of the impact and attempt to encourage healthier mindsets and bodies?

    Spoiler:
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    I somewhat regret going onto the fitness boards two thirds of the way through my recovery, in my first r'ship. I was doing alright until nearing summer last year, my friend/ex-girlfriend was helping me get better (since she has dealt with ED/depression and anxiety too but it's undiagnosed because apparently her family have been trying to cover it up?) Then I wanted to impress her and make her fall for me more/be an even 'better' boyfriend because in my head I was skinny-fat and everyone knows girls do not find skinny-fat guys attractive blaargh

    now in principle I don't think going to the gym a couple of times a week would have been a problem. But the way that some of the guys talked to me was horrible.

    Every time I tried to explain post-ED guilt, that is why I felt like I was upsetting my family/letting them down by not having some dessert of some sort tonight/working out today after lectures, they just told me to 'go sort your ****ing issues out'. To them there is no such thing as 'body image issues' only 'whiney *****es who don't lift' which is a sign of deeper emotional weakness, being lazy and irresponsible, basically failing to 'be a man'. Some of the women were like that as well, so much bro-talk or rather hyper-rationalisation of my being over 'emotional'?

    One of the guys frequently emasculates me even now saying things like 'fluffy kittens have more testosterone than you', and a couple deliberately trolled me on the Relationships forum when I said I felt a little jealous of my ex's guy friend 'Superman'. They told me it was likely she'd be 'banging' him when I'm out of sight (she told me her religion meant no pre-marital sex), etc. because she needs a 'real man' not a 'pussy'…this jealousy has now ruined our relationship and we aren't even friends anymore. There are several months of discussion about this on the R'ships forum haha.

    Although she broke up with me due to the cultural differences of her Hinduism/British-Indian and her scepticism about her parents accepting me, we tried to be friends after (which was tough for us both, as we both still had feelings for each other) and the constant accusations of cheating were the last straw for her I think. While we were trying to be friends I initiated a lot of arguments about the necessity for self-improvement on TSR and my occasional pledging of self-acceptance got me shot down for not 'manning up', but complaining about how many pressures there are on people to be perfect got me essentially kicked out for being so negative too I'm now half-hated on this website :/

    My ex came to my graduation ceremony although she said she wouldn't, and gave me a card-she hinted at making amends but apparently I treated her badly there (I don't know what I did wrong, we spoke for the 10 minutes of her lunch break she was willing to give?) and now she says don't bother contacting again, that I never loved her, lots of hurtful stuff as if I did nothing to help her as well. I have no idea what I did wrong that time

    I've then spent most of my summer after that trying to understand where I went wrong-my belief is that I failed to 'man up' i.e. live up to her expectations. If I had followed through on my word I would have committed to training, got a First, sorted my social anxiety etc. become someone she could be really proud of. As it was I got a 2.1 but as always that will in the back of my mind seem 'not good enough'. I let myself off on account of how much my anxiety/depression affected me at uni, if not ED behaviour itself.

    In trying to understand relationships I found this site like a pick-up artist forum called the Red Pill, a combination of the most abominable misogynist tripe and a world of pure paranoia where as much as buying a Diet Coke might get me dumped. So perfect for me. :roll eyes: I don't know why I did that to myself, it's the equivalent of a thin-spo forum.


    The point of all this is, why is an ED or similar body image issues recognised in women, but not men? I have been wrestling with the restraints of conventional masculinity for nearly as long as my ED itself.

    There are many things I need to work on, such as being comfortable alone/independence, coping with uncertainty and that lack of control, trust issues (obviously) and my social anxiety, but this double standard with body image has been frustrating to recovery. And I believe it is the very pitfall that Toto warned me of falling into 3 years ago

    It's all very ironic how important the ways of macho men and gym culture, proving just how manly I am, is to me when I am a bit bicurious lol.

    I hope this doesn't come across as degrading from anyone's problems on here, but in the outside world-even on some parts of TSR-there does seem to be a double standard at play.
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    Weight gain is happening SO fast all of a sudden, how did you manage to push through this stage guys? I've fallen at this hurdle EVERY TIME and I want to get through it this time. Seriously haven't got the energy to go through this cycle all over again and then again for the rest of my life. I NEED to cope, accept it and get through it but it's so so difficult! Any tips?
    • #59
    #59

    (Original post by Riku)
    ^^^ me Snowy

    ___________________

    This is probably going to sound whiney as TSR always tell me, but why is there still a code of silence for guys regarding body image issues where there is, I will concede still far too much media pressure and unhealthy representations of 'beauty' for women, but the beginning of an understanding of the impact and attempt to encourage healthier mindsets and bodies?

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I somewhat regret going onto the fitness boards two thirds of the way through my recovery, in my first r'ship. I was doing alright until nearing summer last year, my friend/ex-girlfriend was helping me get better (since she has dealt with ED/depression and anxiety too but it's undiagnosed because apparently her family have been trying to cover it up?) Then I wanted to impress her and make her fall for me more/be an even 'better' boyfriend because in my head I was skinny-fat and everyone knows girls do not find skinny-fat guys attractive blaargh

    now in principle I don't think going to the gym a couple of times a week would have been a problem. But the way that some of the guys talked to me was horrible.

    Every time I tried to explain post-ED guilt, that is why I felt like I was upsetting my family/letting them down by not having some dessert of some sort tonight/working out today after lectures, they just told me to 'go sort your ****ing issues out'. To them there is no such thing as 'body image issues' only 'whiney *****es who don't lift' which is a sign of deeper emotional weakness, being lazy and irresponsible, basically failing to 'be a man'. Some of the women were like that as well, so much bro-talk or rather hyper-rationalisation of my being over 'emotional'?

    One of the guys frequently emasculates me even now saying things like 'fluffy kittens have more testosterone than you', and a couple deliberately trolled me on the Relationships forum when I said I felt a little jealous of my ex's guy friend 'Superman'. They told me it was likely she'd be 'banging' him when I'm out of sight (she told me her religion meant no pre-marital sex), etc. because she needs a 'real man' not a 'pussy'…this jealousy has now ruined our relationship and we aren't even friends anymore. There are several months of discussion about this on the R'ships forum haha.

    Although she broke up with me due to the cultural differences of her Hinduism/British-Indian and her scepticism about her parents accepting me, we tried to be friends after (which was tough for us both, as we both still had feelings for each other) and the constant accusations of cheating were the last straw for her I think. While we were trying to be friends I initiated a lot of arguments about the necessity for self-improvement on TSR and my occasional pledging of self-acceptance got me shot down for not 'manning up', but complaining about how many pressures there are on people to be perfect got me essentially kicked out for being so negative too I'm now half-hated on this website :/

    My ex came to my graduation ceremony although she said she wouldn't, and gave me a card-she hinted at making amends but apparently I treated her badly there (I don't know what I did wrong, we spoke for the 10 minutes of her lunch break she was willing to give?) and now she says don't bother contacting again, that I never loved her, lots of hurtful stuff as if I did nothing to help her as well. I have no idea what I did wrong that time

    I've then spent most of my summer after that trying to understand where I went wrong-my belief is that I failed to 'man up' i.e. live up to her expectations. If I had followed through on my word I would have committed to training, got a First, sorted my social anxiety etc. become someone she could be really proud of. As it was I got a 2.1 but as always that will in the back of my mind seem 'not good enough'. I let myself off on account of how much my anxiety/depression affected me at uni, if not ED behaviour itself.

    In trying to understand relationships I found this site like a pick-up artist forum called the Red Pill, a combination of the most abominable misogynist tripe and a world of pure paranoia where as much as buying a Diet Coke might get me dumped. So perfect for me. :roll eyes: I don't know why I did that to myself, it's the equivalent of a thin-spo forum.


    The point of all this is, why is an ED or similar body image issues recognised in women, but not men? I have been wrestling with the restraints of conventional masculinity for nearly as long as my ED itself.

    There are many things I need to work on, such as being comfortable alone/independence, coping with uncertainty and that lack of control, trust issues (obviously) and my social anxiety, but this double standard with body image has been frustrating to recovery. And I believe it is the very pitfall that Toto warned me of falling into 3 years ago

    It's all very ironic how important the ways of macho men and gym culture, proving just how manly I am, is to me when I am a bit bicurious lol.

    I hope this doesn't come across as degrading from anyone's problems on here, but in the outside world-even on some parts of TSR-there does seem to be a double standard at play.
    I think you're totally right and there needs to be SO much more to help reduce stigma in males with EDs. There has been a slight increase in raising awareness with eating disorders in men but it's still just not enough. Even in campaigns across uni on ED awareness raising, I think there should be an actual separate campaign for males at the moment as people are still in that mindset that EDs are exclusively relevant to young females and yet I know a few men who've suffered and it was harder for them to know where to turn when an ED was seen as something so "female" if that makes sense. I hope you're okay.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I haven't posted here for a while but I've come seeking help.

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    I've reached a point where I'm fed up with my weight, so I'm slowly phasing out food. I know I shouldn't, but watching those numbers fall on the scale is giving me such joy. I don't eat breakfast, and I've started skipping lunch too. I'm allowing myself dinner, because my boyfriend and I eat dinner together, and I don't want to get caught.

    Today I caved and ate a small pack of chocolate buttons. It was only 75 calories, but I'm already thinking about how I can work off those calories.

    I need help
    I think there's something more than the weight. Something has triggered you and now the ED part of your mind thinks, "Right, I'll be happier if I gain control again, if I lose weight". At least I usually find that this is the case in triggering a relapse. Right now it's stress of deadlines and not knowing what to do career-wise and the extra stress associated with seeing my body change so quickly just feels like another thing "out of my control". What else is making you unhappy at the moment lovely? xx
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    Binged for two days. I can't do this.

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    I need serious help
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    hi everyone, i left tsr (because i can't stand the main threads) but i thought i'd check in. i'm not having the best time but i have tumblr for that so I won't say anything here. I'm sending you all hugs and strength vibes. xx
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I think there's something more than the weight. Something has triggered you and now the ED part of your mind thinks, "Right, I'll be happier if I gain control again, if I lose weight". At least I usually find that this is the case in triggering a relapse. Right now it's stress of deadlines and not knowing what to do career-wise and the extra stress associated with seeing my body change so quickly just feels like another thing "out of my control". What else is making you unhappy at the moment lovely? xx
    this Snowy, always this ^^^^ it's never 'just the weight'. The weight represents something else, you transfer (well at least I have) a problem (practical or emotional) into weight or body unhappiness.

    you ok too btw, Discenchanted?
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    Sorry to inform you ladies and gents about my bad behaviour for the past year or so

    I know Toto was always on the fence with me and frustrated by my obstinacy in challenging from recovery (not just physical)...I am currently this forum's resident paranoid relationship guy. I think I need to work on my social anxiety; I have basically grown (for some reason) to believe most people are trying to screw me over, are lying to me and deceiving me, laughing at me, there's something everyone else knows I don't, and for that reason all my relationships platoon or romantic/sexual, are going to fail. I'm scared of getting close to anyone.

    I would go as far as to say my obsessive mind needed something to obsess about other than food, weight, 'health' and it chose dysfunctional relationships. I saw my parents get divorced when I was 16, and I've took that to a whole new level. However, after that obsession (both obsessions tbh) causing a very painful breakup for me, I don't feel this is anymore healthy for me (psychologically anyway) than the ED :/
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I think there's something more than the weight. Something has triggered you and now the ED part of your mind thinks, "Right, I'll be happier if I gain control again, if I lose weight". At least I usually find that this is the case in triggering a relapse. Right now it's stress of deadlines and not knowing what to do career-wise and the extra stress associated with seeing my body change so quickly just feels like another thing "out of my control". What else is making you unhappy at the moment lovely? xx

    (Original post by Riku)
    this Snowy, always this ^^^^ it's never 'just the weight'. The weight represents something else, you transfer (well at least I have) a problem (practical or emotional) into weight or body unhappiness.

    you ok too btw, Discenchanted?
    Sorry for the late reply!

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    Well I was signed off from work yesterday with stress from work, anxiety and depression. I'm signed off until 6th October. Since yesterday I have eaten every meal, and although I do feel guilt and tell myself that "at the next meal I'll be good (ie not eat)", I am eating. I've had 2 slices of toast for breakfast so far today, and although the voice in the back of my head is saying "skip lunch, skip lunch" I'm managing to appease it by thinking about having a very low-calorie lunch.

    Thinking about my food and calories every minute of the day is exhausting
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    (Original post by snowyowl)
    Sorry for the late reply!

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    Well I was signed off from work yesterday with stress from work, anxiety and depression. I'm signed off until 6th October. Since yesterday I have eaten every meal, and although I do feel guilt and tell myself that "at the next meal I'll be good (ie not eat)", I am eating. I've had 2 slices of toast for breakfast so far today, and although the voice in the back of my head is saying "skip lunch, skip lunch" I'm managing to appease it by thinking about having a very low-calorie lunch.

    Thinking about my food and calories every minute of the day is exhausting
    It is exhausting. It's bloody knackering. But the more you give in to it, the harder and more tiring it will be every time you have to fight it. I had that same urge today to skip lunch but then I thought "sod it I have to recover one day, why stop now? A lapse doesn't have to mean relapse" and made and ate my lunch anyway. Yes I feel horrible now. But I also know I've done something today that makes me stronger. I've not given in. And when it comes to dinner, yes I'll debate and argue with myself in my head and it'll be hard but I shall do the same as I'm doing now and win again. It won't always be this easy. But all these little steps WILL add up to one massive leap in recovery.
    You can do this. Prove something to yourself today. You can step forward or fall back today. Choose stepping forward. We're all behind you x
    • #171
    #171

    (Original post by snowyowl)
    Sorry for the late reply!

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    Well I was signed off from work yesterday with stress from work, anxiety and depression. I'm signed off until 6th October. Since yesterday I have eaten every meal, and although I do feel guilt and tell myself that "at the next meal I'll be good (ie not eat)", I am eating. I've had 2 slices of toast for breakfast so far today, and although the voice in the back of my head is saying "skip lunch, skip lunch" I'm managing to appease it by thinking about having a very low-calorie lunch.

    Thinking about my food and calories every minute of the day is exhausting
    Wow i've come back to the boards to give an update and i'm really sad to see that some of you guys are struggling again

    I too am restricting. My weight, like snowyowl has git an all-time high (this is going to sound freaky snowy, but I am also at 10st6)

    I am exhausted from trying to parent myself and it not working. I have been struggling with binging and purging on and off since I started recovery and my weight is going up and up no matter how hard I work. I am disheartened with the process and with recovery.

    Logically I know that recovery has given me so much life.. I am scared about the lack of control I have over my weight. I have no control over my mental health in general. I am up down up down up down. The other week I spent £1000 in a crazy manic panic so that's all of my wages gone on superfood extracts, clothes, cooking equipment etc.

    I haven't been restricting meals but the majority of my diet consists of fruit and veg and I feel anxious if I have anything else. I can tolerate small amounts of other vegan things (like a slice of bread or a few nuts) but feel like the world is going to cave in on itself if I have any sort of animal products or sweets....

    A big part of me is grinning massively inside. I am being sucked in.
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    I went through major crisis a couple of months ago due to the medication I was on. I was on tablets that completely altered my personality, I already depression and anxiety and it was rather bad at one point. So my psych gave me medication to control and it worked for a while I was a coping-ish level and then as it got into my system I lost all my emotions. I coulnt cuddle my mum, dad and I felt like detached from society I was a bit clingy to my parents but I couldn't feel it internally. I lost everything my grades slipped, I had no job and then I began to comfort eat as way of coping with how I was feeling. I couldn't stop comfort eating it wasn't like woke up one morning and decided today I am gonna eat an entire large Galaxy bar in one hit. Then next thing I knew I had ballooned, I couldn't stop eatinf sugar and my life went down hill over the months it was only when I wrote a letter to my mum saying help me/a Sui letter did she take notice my thoughts and what I was feeling inside. Then that became my turning point, so
    I came off my medication cold turkey without anyone knowing and gradually my appetite subsided, food was not my friend again yet it wasn't my arch rival. I began eating healthy and psychologically things changed too I began realising that sugar and salt was slowly killing me and I couldn't face seeing myself at 16 stone ( I had done the maths) by Xmas and then went completely cold turkey on cakes buscuits salt and sugar and my energy levels improved I. Was able to run up stairs like normal without feeling like I had s run marathon. I didn't feel sleepy all day, literally all day I felt sluggish and yawned for England my motivation was low even more. But I did did it, okay I wasn't hugely obese but psychologically I needed help.

    I have since told my dr about it and she said although she didn't agree with how I came off the meds she could see my reasoning a few months later. I am now able to go to voluntary work, do my a levels, access and ou


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    • #173
    #173

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Wow i've come back to the boards to give an update and i'm really sad to see that some of you guys are struggling again

    I too am restricting. My weight, like snowyowl has git an all-time high (this is going to sound freaky snowy, but I am also at 10st6)

    I am exhausted from trying to parent myself and it not working. I have been struggling with binging and purging on and off since I started recovery and my weight is going up and up no matter how hard I work. I am disheartened with the process and with recovery.

    Logically I know that recovery has given me so much life.. I am scared about the lack of control I have over my weight. I have no control over my mental health in general. I am up down up down up down. The other week I spent £1000 in a crazy manic panic so that's all of my wages gone on superfood extracts, clothes, cooking equipment etc.

    I haven't been restricting meals but the majority of my diet consists of fruit and veg and I feel anxious if I have anything else. I can tolerate small amounts of other vegan things (like a slice of bread or a few nuts) but feel like the world is going to cave in on itself if I have any sort of animal products or sweets....

    A big part of me is grinning massively inside. I am being sucked in.
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    I'm a frequent poster in the Stationery/Organisation thread, and an active member of several Facebook Filofax pages. I also run a blog about stationery and organisation.

    Why am I telling you this? Well, because it seems that when my mental health is feeling rather fragile I binge-spend on stationery and Filofax items

    That's what I've done today. I went to a job interview today and didn't like the place, so on my way home I stopped off at Tesco's and WH Smith and bought stationery items I don't need. Luckily I didn't spend a huge amount, but I have done in the past.

    I also seem to be on-and-off with eating. Some days I restrict like hell, other days I just eat anything and everything.

    I don't know what to do. If I could afford it I would take longer off work, and go in for some intense counselling.
 
 
 
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