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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    ^^Me
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    me ^^^
    I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, Cinnie what's been going on in your life in the last few months with everything? Have there been any major changes or would you say it's your mental attitude that's been the major change? Hope you're okay xx
    • #132
    #132

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    I can't do this. Been back at university a week. Barely eaten the entire time I've been here. Breakfast just feels far too overwhelming at the moment and I don't know why. I have literally only got to choose between alpen, toast or two flavours of porridge, and it's not because I feel I'm going to be judged by my new flatmates either - they're lovely.

    A friend came home with me at lunchtime and ... pretty much bullied me into eating lunch. I had a small mug of soup and 2 slices of toast, and a couple of mouthfuls of a smoothie to take my multivitamins with. I think it broke her heart to see me struggling like the girls she's been IP with, on just that. She was trying to get me to finish the cereal bar and smoothie that I'd started down at uni, but I knew I couldn't do it without being sick.

    I've spent pretty much all afternoon with my hot water bottle in a heck of a lot of pain, and feeling incredibly nauseous. Not a happy camper.
    • #223
    #223

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.

    I am a 26 year old man. I'm also suffering from anorexia nervosa (restrictive type), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and multiple anxiety disorder.

    The social stigma associated with, especially anorexia, is not as forgiving with men, it seems. I believe it's because of the very erroneous, silly notion that people develop the disorder through a pursuit of vanity. Mine couldn't be further from that notion; psychologists determined my onset was triggered by being an over-achiever of sorts. I have an insatiable urge to complete life goals I set myself; I struggled to get to college, did so, struggled to get a top grade, did so, then struggled to get into university, did so, struggled again to get the best grades, and managed so. Whilst others gave up trying for the perfect job in such an enormously competitive industry - I strived, and I got the perfect job. Now, with nothing on the horizon, I effectively turned to creating silly daily goals - restricting calorie intake, "beating" what I did yesterday, doing one more sit-up, running one more mile. It has ravaged my body to near death at points.

    http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photo..._6798.jpg?dl=1

    In university, I was a healthy weight, as pictured above. At 5' 7"/8", I weighed in around 125-130lbs. After my problems started, the weight obviously just dropped off to my lowest weight ever - just 91lb. That's a mere 6 stone 7. My muscles atrophied, I could hardly stand, my hair thinned, my concentration waned.

    http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

    My days consist of getting up, eating a breakfast of 200 calories, doing around 250 situps, 10 minutes worth of abdominal planks, 300 press-ups, and other various exercises. I eat another meal of fish, steamed vegetables, mushrooms, salad - anything low calorie and filling - later in the day, followed by more exercise. Finally, I go to bed and allow myself a bowl of cereal - my "treat" for the day - and maybe a beer or two whilst I play some videogames. I never break my "calorie cap" of 1500 calories in the day.

    Trying hard, I have been trying to reach that cap, to channel my need to reach goals into a positive. My intention is that I can keep increasing it and reaching the goals in a positive way - one which helps me *gain* weight. It still scares me when the number on the scale goes up as it's synonymous with "losing" against my previous self; but I need to do this in order to *not die*. Which is always a good thing.

    I liken the disorder to a demon on your shoulder, creating a bubble around you. The frustrating thing is you *know* how to get better, but the demon talks you out of it. When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable.

    With my new methods, I may not have gained much weight (I am just short of 93lb), but I feel a lot stronger day to day and my morale is up. My skin is also less jaundiced and everyone comments I look more full of life:

    http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/479...6853090570.jpg

    I really am not sure how helpful posting pictures of your body and going into graphic detail about your weight and restrictive tendencies is this, since a large majority of mentally unstable people will be reading this post which could be triggering. That's certainly the rule on mental health forums anyway, to protect everyone.

    Good luck in your recovery though; I send my best wishes.
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    Everyone above who is feeling uneasy because they've gained weight and are at a healthy weight: I know it's hard. I know. Your body changes and you freak out and you think that the only way to feel better is to go back to having an ED. This is not the way.

    I recovered and felt weird because my body was completely different. The thing you guys have to realise is that there is a way to stay healthy without going back to having an ED. Everything in moderation. You guys are already flagging up signs that you're worried about how drastic your eating habits have been. Take that warning on board and think 'this isn't a healthy way to do this, this isn't right' and try and fix it. If you don't stop now, you'll have a relapse and everything you worked so hard for will be gone.

    - - -

    On a personal note...my dad assaulted me last weekend. I've been in a state of shock and trauma ever since. I spent a few nights at my friend's house but my mum begged me to home so I did. I've not been able to eat properly at all -- my mum has actually been forcing me to eat, even if it's just small. I've lost a lot of weight in the past week and not in a healthy way at all. I'm worried, depressed and stressed out. Really feeling low. x
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, Cinnie what's been going on in your life in the last few months with everything? Have there been any major changes or would you say it's your mental attitude that's been the major change? Hope you're okay xx
    I'm moving back to uni where my ex still is, and he's a major trigger because he always said
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    he liked when my hipbones stuck out etc.


    Also, the stuff with that little boys brain tumour (on the news) was a big trigger because my brother also has a terminal brain tumour and we can't get treatment for him or get anyone to help us. And then theres the fact that i'm so confused about how I feel about him - on the one hand i'm upset because he's dying and on the other hand I hate him because he's the whole reason I got PTSD and an ED in the first place (long story)

    (Original post by jazzykinks)

    On a personal note...my dad assaulted me last weekend. I've been in a state of shock and trauma ever since. I spent a few nights at my friend's house but my mum begged me to home so I did. I've not been able to eat properly at all -- my mum has actually been forcing me to eat, even if it's just small. I've lost a lot of weight in the past week and not in a healthy way at all. I'm worried, depressed and stressed out. Really feeling low. x
    That's so horrible and I totally understand why that has triggered your ED. You're ALLOWED to feel low and stressed etc. after something like this - it's OK. Try to push yourself to eat though. Low blood sugar will only make moods and resilience worse. It sounds like your home is a bad environment at the moment - is there any way you can move out?
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    How is that my restrictive tendencies were harder to get rid of then the binging. I wanted to stop the binging no matter what it was practically controlling my life. However the restricting wasn't controlling my life okay I had weeks where I barely ate much but always had energy


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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    That's so horrible and I totally understand why that has triggered your ED. You're ALLOWED to feel low and stressed etc. after something like this - it's OK. Try to push yourself to eat though. Low blood sugar will only make moods and resilience worse. It sounds like your home is a bad environment at the moment - is there any way you can move out?
    Thanks *hugs* I'm not sure it's triggered my ED but I have no appetite at all. My mum is basically trying to get me to eat stuff and I'm eating whatever I can but it's really not enough. Even before I had an ED, if I was stressed, that's what would happen -- my appetite would disappear. The worst part is I'm not even doing it deliberately. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time because of what happened. Unfortunately not. I've been hunting for a job for ages now but to no avail. I managed to escape to a friend's house for a couple of days but obviously, I couldn't stay for too long x
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    Another half-kilo up this week and for the first time it's made me feel powerful, good and in control. One step closer to a better future and to be honest, I realise I DO look better at the moment. I think I may finally be breaking past this wall that always knocks me back into relapse. My rational voice has a lot more strength this time. Let's hope this is third time lucky! Keep fighting guys, and please be kind to yourself xx
    • #168
    #168

    Really struggling atm, could do with some support.

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    Drinking is becoming difficult again, passed out the other day and hit my head on the sink. No bruise though? I don't know how to cope with this stuff anymore, but I feel too fat to ask for help. Told my friend about it who's in IP a few weeks ago and she basically told me that I was in control of this and that I was doing it to myself. I don't know what to do anymore. :cry2:
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    Toto, I was reading (http://www.scienceofeds.org/2013/02/...iety-disorder/) about your problem! Hats off to you for bearing with so much at a tender age of 26! I am sure you will improve much better than this. Keep on reading and discuss about these issues, they will help our understanding

    Good luck buddy!
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Hi sweetie, I'm Jazzy. I suffered with anorexia for about 2 years and I've been recovered for 4 years now.

    I really would say that moving out to live by yourself isn't a good idea because then the anorexia really will take over. I had a similar problem about living with my mum whilst having an ED but you have to realise that she is only watching you because she cares. She is not an enemy, although it may seem like that now (I know it did for me). I'm sure you would be able to function alone, but would it really be functioning, or would it be the ED controlling you? Is there any way you can still live with someone, maybe someone who may know about your ED? What's your current uni situation? Having an ED makes it hard to concentrate so uni may be difficult.

    I'm not too sure what to say about whether or not you were being controlling in that situation -- I don't have much experience with stuff like that.

    Keep in touch x
    Thank you for your kind response I had forgotten all about this post until I saw the message in my spam folder informing me someone had replied to a post I made.

    To answer your questions, I can't live with anyone for a number of reasons e.g. I don't like people in my space, I hate sharing a kitchen and bathroom with people other than my close family. I don't want anyone to see me eating. I don't even eat at uni because I hate my friends seeing me eat. Eating is one big secret that only I can know about.

    Mum's got a permanent job in Oxford so she's moving near her job and my uni is in London so I can't move all the way there with her because it would take ages to commute to uni and back, plus it would be really expensive. I'm going to move to Luton which is far enough away from everyone who knows me as they all live in London. I just don't want to be under anyone's watchful eye so the further away I am the better for everyone.

    I just started my second year on Monday. I'm studying psychology. As I said in my original post, I had to repeat my first year due to getting sick with Anorexia and not being able to attend classes or think straight, but that was all compounded by the unfortunate circumstance of my friend committing suicide 2 weeks before uni started so I was depressed about that and Anorexia was the only thing making any kind of sense at the time. I had actually been working on recovery just before I got the news about my friend, but I felt responsible, like it was my fault, like I should have known, I should have seen it and stopped it from happening then she would still be alive, but I failed.

    I just started seeing a new therapist last week Thursday, but that was before I got my timetable because unfortunately, it's impossible for me to see her on Thursdays because I'll be at uni at the time and there's no way I can get from London to Watford where I live in time to see her. I can't even see my counselor at uni either because I'll be in a lecture at the time of our session so it's looking like I won't be seeing anyone. I can't get around it. The therapist can only see me on Thursday and I'm at uni between normal working hours so there's no time to see her.

    I've had Anorexia for 7 years. I've had times where it hasn't been so bad, where it's been very calm, almost dormant and life is pretty good for months then it comes back worse than before and I'm right back in the grips of Anorexia all over again. Other times I am so bad it feels like the devil is living inside me because I am so downright evil and uncaring towards myself and my friends and family. Everyone is the enemy including myself at those times. I wasn't too bad during the past 3 months or so, but whenever its nearing the beginning of uni all the thoughts and ideations just come flooding back. I don't know what it is about uni that makes me retreat into Anorexia so badly. In my head I'm so afraid of failing and I feel like Anorexia helps me to do well in school which I know is not really the case, but I still believe it and it feels safe. I also feel like if I get rejected by my friends for whatever reason and I end up with no one on campus then I always have Anorexia.

    In all likelihood though, if I lose my friends it will be because of Anorexia. I wasn't very good to them last year because they were trying to make me eat when I didn't want to and just the other day one of them tried to force me to eat the Norwegian chocolate our Norwegian friend had brought for us all. Such behaviour is what is driving me to move away from everyone and live alone then I will always be too far away to participate in any activities with them which involve food.

    You're really recovered? How did you manage to do it? 4 years sounds like a lifetime in recovery terms. Recovery scares me so much. Like I said, I am afraid of failing so much so that I'm afraid of failing at recovery. If I go for it again with all that I have to give and I fail and relapse it will be all my fault for not being good enough at recovery and I really can't deal with that pressure. I've discussed recovery with numerous therapists over the past 4 years and I worked towards it in 2011-2012 during a hospital program called Refocusing: Symptom Interruption and it was actually going rather well until my friend killed herself and that destroyed all the progress I was making and that was the end of any thoughts of recovery.
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    (Original post by HiLzis)

    x
    The reason I suggested living with someone else is because in my first year, I was still recovering (pretty much almost there, just a matter of maintaining my weight) and living with people actually helped. I saw what they were eating and that made me think that it was more than fine to eat similar. Having that kind of environment helped me because it made meals sociable and it meant that I did eat like the others because obviously, I didn't want to worry anyone or seem strange to them. I know you don't feel comfortable eating in front of people but it would actually help in the long run because you may be able to push your boundaries.

    You say you don't want to be under anyone's watchful eye but that's really counter-productive. Without anyone to watch you and help you, you're likely to fall prey to the ED even more so.

    It's easy to blame yourself when something like that happens but you have to understand that it simply wasn't in your control. Unfortunately, we can't influence and control others as much as we sometimes might like to. You couldn't have possibly known or done anything more than you did. Do not blame yourself for it. I have a motto: you can only worry about things that you can change. You could not have possibly changed your friend's decision. Think about it this way. Anorexia can actually cause you to be on your death bed. Would you be letting your friend who passed away down if you got into that state? If that was me...I'd want to keep on living for the memory of my friend. Also, anorexia will ruin your studies. I remember sitting in class and not being able to concentrate and I do not know how I even managed to get the grades I did. I can't remember anything from those days; I can't remember what we studied or what notes I made. My exams are a complete blur. I was almost delirious. University is so expensive and important -- it's life changing. The anorexia is the direct threat to changing your life for the better.

    It's funny that you say that...I saw a counsellor in Watford on Thursdays all those years ago. I wonder if it's the same person! Surely you can fit the counsellor at uni in with your timetable? Or see another counsellor at uni? You can't be telling me that there's only one at such a big uni.

    Anorexia does not help you at uni -- it does the opposite. I think it's probably the stress of uni that triggers it but trust me, uni would be so much less stressful without it. You'd be able to focus and concentrate, get involved in stuff on campus. Trust me, uni goes by far too fast and, even though I fully immersed myself in the lifestyle, there are still things I wish I'd had the time to do. There is no point isolating yourself. You'll end up alone and that will just perpetuate the anorexia even more. Anorexia is not your friend. It is trying to destroy you and everything you hold dear. It's something you need to distance yourself from.

    Distancing yourself away from them because they're trying to help (trust me, they are trying to help) is not good. It will make them feel as though you're choosing the anorexia over them. Realistically, think about it. They're eating. Nothing bad is happening to them because of it. They are leading normal, happy lives. You could have that if you dipped your toe in the water, even just a little bit, one step at a time. Honestly, the incentive of having fun with my friends was a key factor in my recovery. I wanted to be invited out to stuff and just be a normal teenager.

    As I've just said, several things lead to my recovery. My anorexia was killing my mum and I love her more than anything else in the world. She sat on the edge of my bed once and just cried for almost an hour because I was actually dying. As much as I hated myself, I loved her more. I couldn't bear to put her through so much pain. She told me to recover for myself but I couldn't because I felt worthless. So I did it for her, and along the way, I learnt to accept myself. Another factor was my friends. I saw pictures of them on holiday, having a great time and I was in hospital. I couldn't even get travel insurance because of the anorexia. They all looked so happy. No one invited me to stuff. I just wanted to be like a normal teenager. I wanted to get better so I could socialise and have fun with these people, with my friends. I wanted to go on holiday. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to go to parties. I wanted everything that I should have had, but the anorexia had stopped me from having. I just got so angry at everything that the anorexia was robbing me of and I did it. I just started eating and recovering.

    Recovery does not mean that you're going to get big or fat, especially if you recover with a balanced diet. Despite recovering, I'm only a size 8, but I live a healthy lifestyle. It is possible to be healthy and fit after recovery. You do not balloon overnight.

    Recovering was the best decision I ever made. x
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Another half-kilo up this week and for the first time it's made me feel powerful, good and in control. One step closer to a better future and to be honest, I realise I DO look better at the moment. I think I may finally be breaking past this wall that always knocks me back into relapse. My rational voice has a lot more strength this time. Let's hope this is third time lucky! Keep fighting guys, and please be kind to yourself xx
    This is such a brilliant post, well done. It takes an awful lot of strength to break that wall, but it sounds like you are doing so well! How are things going now? x

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Really struggling atm, could do with some support.

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    Drinking is becoming difficult again, passed out the other day and hit my head on the sink. No bruise though? I don't know how to cope with this stuff anymore, but I feel too fat to ask for help. Told my friend about it who's in IP a few weeks ago and she basically told me that I was in control of this and that I was doing it to myself. I don't know what to do anymore. :cry2:
    Have you got a support team that you can talk to at the moment? It does sound like you could really do with some help at the moment, especially if you're at the point where you've passed out. Please try to look after yourself. x

    ---

    I was discharged from inpatient on 19th September, after 5 months and 9 days. I actually had a few really bad weeks before being discharged (the end of August is a bit of a difficult time of year), but I'm doing ok-ish at the moment. I haven't reached my target weight, and I have lost a little bit since discharge, but it is pretty much stable at the moment and it's so nice to be home and doing my MSc again.

    I'm struggling quite a bit with obsessing about calories and feeling guilty for eating way too much if I stick to my meal plan at the moment though, I end up reducing portion sizes and reducing amounts of carbs and fats in meals so I feel 'safer'. Does anyone have anything they find helpful for that?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyone here been diagnosed with coeliac disease? Or other diet restricting allergies?
    I have coeliac disease and am lactose intolerant. I was diagnosed in 2012. Are you? If you have any questions, ask away
    • #224
    #224

    Never posted on something like this before, but not sure if I should be worrying about my weight or if I'm being a bit oversensitive about it. Maybe someone who has a bit of experience can put it in perspective?

    About a year ago my friends started making comments that I didn't eat much for lunch, even though I felt fine and never even thought about it. I thought they were just being silly tbh, but it made me a lot more conscious about myself. I was never considered that skinny at school, but with little or no weight loss I was now considered tiny.

    Since about three months ago, I have been consciously skipping meals, even if I feel hungry. I don't really get why, I want to maintain my weight, not lose any- I'm 5'5" and 46kg (only lost about 4lbs in 6 months). I hate the idea of going to a doctor, and I really don't feel like I have an eating disorder. By skipping meals, I mean like not eating till 4pm on a weekday, sometimes later, but not always, and I still enjoy the odd MacDonald's etc...
    • #224
    #224

    Sorry, that was actually 5'6" and 44.5kg (little difference but hey-ho)
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry, that was actually 5'6" and 44.5kg (little difference but hey-ho)
    I think based on what you've written, some of that is a concern and it would be worthwhile seeing your GP.

    Even if you don't want to lose weight and you don't feel that you have an eating disorder, your weight is very low so even maintaining would mean it is still very low and it might be that they can refer you to a dietitian if necessary, or just help you to work out a suitable meal plan to reach a healthier weight for your height. Just to put it into context, I am only very slightly taller (169cm, so about 5'6.5) and I was admitted as an inpatient to an EDU at 43.6kg (although that did drop significantly within my first couple of days there) and ended up spending 5 months there. So weight-wise you do need to be careful, for the sake of your health.

    Do you think you could try to make yourself a meal plan if you'd rather not see your doctor, basing it on 3 meals a day and ideally 3 snacks too, and not skipping meals or going for a long time without eating during the day?
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    I think based on what you've written, some of that is a concern and it would be worthwhile seeing your GP.

    Even if you don't want to lose weight and you don't feel that you have an eating disorder, your weight is very low so even maintaining would mean it is still very low and it might be that they can refer you to a dietitian if necessary, or just help you to work out a suitable meal plan to reach a healthier weight for your height. Just to put it into context, I am only very slightly taller (169cm, so about 5'6.5) and I was admitted as an inpatient to an EDU at 43.6kg (although that did drop significantly within my first couple of days there) and ended up spending 5 months there. So weight-wise you do need to be careful, for the sake of your health.

    Do you think you could try to make yourself a meal plan if you'd rather not see your doctor, basing it on 3 meals a day and ideally 3 snacks too, and not skipping meals or going for a long time without eating during the day?
    Echo all these sentiments.

    That weight IS categorised as dangerously low. There's no denying that. Your eating disorder is telling you that you don't have one. Go and get help - you'll find people are willing to help. The first step is making that decision to get outside help and recognising the need for change.
    • #224
    #224

    (Original post by Mackay)
    Echo all these sentiments.

    That weight IS categorised as dangerously low. There's no denying that. Your eating disorder is telling you that you don't have one. Go and get help - you'll find people are willing to help. The first step is making that decision to get outside help and recognising the need for change.
    Thank you, this has definitely helped me to clear my head. I think I may try to help myself first in terms of the meal plan mentioned above, and if this doesn't seem to be working in a week or so then I'll try to face the fear and talk to my GP.
    I just don't want to admit there's a problem, I guess, which is probably quite common- but I suppose it's probably easier to get through this if I get help sooner rather than later
 
 
 
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