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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you, this has definitely helped me to clear my head. I think I may try to help myself first in terms of the meal plan mentioned above, and if this doesn't seem to be working in a week or so then I'll try to face the fear and talk to my GP.
    I just don't want to admit there's a problem, I guess, which is probably quite common- but I suppose it's probably easier to get through this if I get help sooner rather than later
    Yeah, a meal plan worked for me.

    Does anybody know your eating issues? Perhaps drafting one with a non-ED person will help you create something that gives you more nourishment/normality.
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    I tend to binge once a week and on Fridays because it's the last day of work and I'm feeling too exhausted to do anything fun or substantial. I can't remember the last time that I was bulimia free - or what it was like to eat normally. Sometimes I want to just end it all.
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    Hi everyone I'm not going to go into detail about my ED but when I was 14 I was diagnosed with anorexia. I was in denial at first because I thought what? No I can't be. You hear about anorexia all the time and it feels surreal to know that you are suffering from it. At my lowest point I was 35kg which is 5 and a half stone and in 5'5. For some reason I can't pinpoint an exact reason why it started but I remember but it just did like a switch. I started to eat less calories a day until I reached 300 cals a day. I skipped breakfast, lunch and had something light for dinner and some fruit for supper. I come from quite a food orientated background and I have no idea how I managed to lose so much weight in such a household. I renee there were lots of tears between me and my mum, lots of arguments and lots of hugs. I would say to my mum I would eat and then I would for a day but then I'd go back to my mum old routine. My friends and teachers starts to notice, I got referred to the head of year and they called my mum up. To be honest most of it was a blur, it feels like a lifetime ago. But what I do remember is my hair falling out, my period stopping ( I stopped for a year and a half) and feeling tired all the time. I use to feel comfort in feeling my bones and I remember I used to stare at my self in the mirror for minutes at my body. I was referred to the Kings college hospital and visited a psychologists regularly. Fast forwarded Nearly 2 years and I am a healthy teenage girl who who eats like any normal teenager. It was extremely hard at first. From going to eating nearly nothing to eating a lot was a huge jump but I did it. Like some others have been saying those thoughts never really leave you and I still think about my weight regularly but I seriously am happy in my body. I don't think that I'm my normal body weight before anorexia but I have a healthy bmi and look like any normal girl! No one at school knows I suffered from anorexia so I was kinda suffering in silence. Please please talk to someone if you have an ED. I remember I hated going to see the doctor because she would just tell me I had to put on weight but i will help to talk. If you want you can PM me and I will try and help any way I can. It won't be easy but i decided enough was enough as I have my whole life ahead of me that I don't want to ruin! Please don't suffer in silence, talk to me or anyone else on this thread who is willing to help!
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    I have had enough of binging no more I can't do this to myself every time I am feeling miserable (24/7) i need help otherwise I am on slippery slop into obesity.


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    Hi guys, haven't been on here in a long time.
    I'm in a bit of a bad place really, but at least I recognise that right? I've been back at uni 6 weeks and 4 days, so that makes 46 days.
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    In this time I've lost 18 pounds, so 1 stone, 4 pounds

    I don't know if that's a normal rate at which to lose weight. All I know is I'm obsessed again. Obsessed with numbers and losing and calories and negative nets.
    As well as trying to keep my calories below a certain number
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    300

    there's also been many days when I've just not been able to persuade myself to eat, despite friends being very concerned...
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    For example I haven't been able to eat anything since Sunday and even that wasn't a lot

    Before this week I was also struggling
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    Vomiting or using laxatives almost every time I ate.. one day was particularly bad, I felt I'd binged so not only did I make myself sick multiple times but I also took over 100 laxatives

    My depressions also been really bad, I've just felt so low in mood, and I've scared myself and my friends. I couldn't leave my room or bed for a few days.
    I constantly feel like I'm going to faint. My friends are so concerned they got me an emergency appointment on Tuesday but I was so scared and anxious I couldn't speak and they had to do the majority of talking for me. Because it wasn't my surgery they couldn't really do anything, however they did ask me about suicidal thoughts. She said if I said yes to that question I would be taken to hospital and sectioned due to my history. So of course I was more scared and nothing got resolved. I went to my own doctors yesterday with my friends again, and tried to tell them everything. I think I did which I'm proud of myself for because I was terrified. They are referring me for a mental health assessment and to an eating disorders unit. I'm just so scared and I guess I'm looking for some support, because I've always found it on this forum before, and my head is just making me convinced I've made a huge mistake and I'm not really ill.
    Thanks guys, and I hope everyone else is doing ok.
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    Seems the thread has quietened down..

    It's been 4 years since I joined this site, and I don't feel I've got much of anywhere. I am not recovered, I still obsess about whether I am 'allowed' to have cake or not. My emotional growth has been stunted; I'm 22 and think like I'm 12. If my parents may disagree with a decision I am too scared to follow it through. I still have my Internet addiction, an unhealthy dependence on this forum and others. I have a strong support network of friends and family, but they are frustrated with me (not on ED issues ironically although Mum says . Sometimes I am as much as 4 hours late to socials. One of my close friends points out to me I'm often coming across as

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    retarded

    in terms of struggling with basic concepts and life skills. I'm scared of women despite making awkward chit-chat with them and have developed some misogyny as a result which got me banned from the site for a time. I'm unemployed, and I developed a porn addiction. At the moment I am high functioning, and after 3 years finally let myself occasionally go to the gym once or twice a week, but ultimately I still think I'm 'ill' physically when now I am only mentally. Which is still awful. But I am sick of obsessing about food.

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    I realise that obsessing about physique is just as bad but I prefer that to the known physical and mental health damage caused by junk food and obesity-which isn't to say I never have treats, but I am sick of feeling like I have to have them every day. Sugar, caffeine and alcohol all seem to have bad effects on me...


    The anxiety-inducing patterns of thinking are so routine now to myself and my dad that he thinks I have Aspergers, whereas Mum thinks I have OCD. I'm getting an assessment for Aspergers this month or in January.

    Of course my social skills have gone to **** IRL.

    I'm on a bit of a low here because I stay up silly late sometimes just feeling bad about the fact I didn't have a cake today when I 'should' have. I am afraid of being anorexic or bulimic and very grateful not to be, but I forget that when I was younger I was a compulsive over-eater and to this day I am an emotional eater, an emotional everything.

    I shouldn't be seeking this reassurance, I've been told it's not good to do, but in the absence of it I don't know what is the 'right' thing to do, the 'good' thing. You must see how desperate I am with the myriad threads I made even on my second account along the lines of 'is it bad I don't eat cake every day?'

    Perhaps the problem is that I take bodybuilding and fitness too seriously so my mindset is terribly warped about something which is actually a good thing.

    I've had a headache for 3 weeks and won't be surprised if I now have high blood pressure.

    Stay strong guys, I was always the weird and difficult one in the old 2011-3 gang as I was the weird and difficult middle child.

    Despite this I am doing…relatively OK, in a band and volunteering, and regularly seeing friends, and engaging in hobbies with my dad or even alone sometimes like I used to before my breakdown in 2010.

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    I'm also still at a fairly healthy weight, 10st 10lbs, it's BMI 20.3 so I could put on a bit if I want, but tbh I'd unintentionally lost a few pounds over the last few weeks. Anyway it's not something I should obsess over I don't think


    But I really think it's worth me thinking of my primary problem as the addiction-that is, the anxiety, the insecurity-and not a severe eating disorder per se. I don't doubt I'm a disordered eater, or that I have body image issues, but it would be nice to be able to take some preventive steps on my mental health

    Riku
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    x
    Hey,

    I think you've probably come further than you think you have, but there are always going to be ups and downs. I think you do give yourself a very hard time for things which most people would consider perfectly healthy and not think twice about, I think maybe the health anxiety makes you question every tiny little thing you do maybe?

    The majority of people wouldn't even consider obsessing about whether they are 'allowed' to have cake, for example, and that is part of eating disordered thinking, as I'm sure you know. As is obsessing about physique. It isn't a choice between obsessing about physique and having physical/mental health damage caused by junk food and obesity - there's a lot in between that. You can have foods which aren't so nutritious (I'm not going to call it 'junk food' or 'unhealthy' food, because as the dietitian at our EDU told us regularly, snacks don't have to be nutritious - sometimes they are just nice to have, when you want them - other times you may not be in the mood for them - and sometimes they are just to give you an energy boost), but you can have them in moderation, without them causing any negative health effects. You certainly don't have to have them every day, but if you are obsessing about whether you should have them, then that is disordered. Muscle dysmorphia, for example, can be a consequence of obsessing about physique, and there's orthorexia too.

    I think it might be worth having a chat with your GP about the eating/physique-related thoughts though. Even if it's not a 'problem' for you at the moment, it's having a negative effect on your life and it sounds like you could do with some help with your views about eating/health. I suspect you may be right, the anxiety and insecurity sounds like it's the underlying issue for you, but I think speaking to your GP (or your support team if you are already having any therapy?) would be beneficial there.

    Good luck for the Asperger's assessment, I hope it's helpful.

    ---

    As an update for myself...things aren't going well. I've been out of hospital since September, and I have lost a significant amount of weight since then. I am back to being in the 'anorexia' weight range, and I had blood tests and an ECG last week which showed that bloods were fine but my heart rate is slower again. Not hugely slow, but it has dropped to being 49, which is significantly slower than it usually is. SEDCAS have now moved me from their 'green' risk category to the 'orange' category. My SEDCAS worker has said that the next 2-3 weeks are critical for me, if I can't manage to stabilise things I will be back in 'full-blown anorexia'.

    And even then, I am struggling. My dad has been away since Wednesday (until Monday) and my eating has deteriorated a lot this week. Uni know I am struggling again, and I had a very long talk and cry to my supervisor on Thursday. I am so cold I can barely function, I just hurt because I am so cold. I am exhausted again, I have no energy. My team have said to me that it is critical than I maintain my weight this week, and I haven't even managed that yet. I am going to try really, really hard tomorrow. The thoughts in my head are so strong at the moment, the guilt is so intense, I feel so greedy and self-indulgent and selfish and disgusting if I allow myself to eat. And I am trying to fight it so hard - I am still managing 3 meals a day until this week, but it's not enough to maintain my weight, and the eating disordered thoughts have just taken over again.

    I've got an advent calendar for December and I'm so terrified of letting myself have the chocolate. I'm trying to not do it as 'part of my snack', but to do it as 'extra' as a challenge - anything 'over' frightens me because I feel self-indulgent and greedy for doing it. But I'm so, so frightened.

    I am fighting it, I am trying my best, although things are very bad at the moment. I just hate this illness. I want to get my MSc and do the best I can in it, I want to have the energy to train properly, and to enjoy life. But I am struggling so much.

    Apologies for negativity.
    • #224
    #224

    SSo some of you may remember I posted a few weeks ago, unsureif I had a disorder, and said I’d try to up what I ate. I failed. My BMI is now15.6- but thanks to the realisation I got from you folks, I’ve had the courageto make a GP appointment, and found a good friend to stop me backing out.Feeling so scared, but I know I’ve got to do something
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    I seriously don't think anyone should post weights or numbers since most of us have clearly suffered/are suffering and posting numbers is just triggering and unnecessary for other people, especially as eating disorders aren't dependant on weight


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    (Original post by opearlescent)
    I seriously don't think anyone should post weights or numbers since most of us have clearly suffered/are suffering and posting numbers is just triggering and unnecessary for other people, especially as eating disorders aren't dependant on weight


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    And your post about nearly dying isnt triggering?
    :dontknow:


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #223
    #223

    (Original post by PandaWho)
    And your post about nearly dying isnt triggering?
    :dontknow:


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Deleted. But I didn't mention numbers that people will try and compare themselves to. It was more to show how far I've come since I was consumed by a disgusting illness.
    • #225
    #225

    hi im not really sure where to turn so i thought id try posting here. ive been really struggling mentally at the minute and my weight has slowly got lower and lower. im not sure if i have a eating disorder or not but *****sorry****** my bmi is
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    14.9
    and im wondering if this is something i should be concerned about? can it effect my health or is it still high enough to be okay? sorry if triggering.
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    Sorry everyone. I didn't mean to trigger anyone, have deleted my previous post. It didn't say anything useful anyway, just, I am struggling. A lot. Basically. But hey, that's life sometimes I guess.

    I didn't mean to use numbers in a triggering way, I was just attempting to explain that physically things aren't great, the ED team said they would expect a heart rate of what mine was at a much lower BMI. But heart rate is fine again now anyway, so that's good news.

    Anonymous above, yes, that is very concerning and it is in no way 'high enough to be ok'. Health complications can happen at any weight so there's no 'safe' BMI to have an ED at, but below certain weights the likelihood of health problems, heart problems, capacity to think logically etc can deteriorate. It would be a really good idea to talk to someone (your GP if possible) about what's going on for you atm.
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    My girlfriend has a binge eating disorder and I am looking for advice and support - for myself, to be honest.

    She'll lose weight and be dead happy with how she's doing and look slim and nice etc...and then something will click and she'll put everything she lost back on in about 2 weeks.

    That wouldn't even bother me much in itself, as she always looks lovely to me anyway. What bothers me is how she starts feeling really good about herself as she's losing it and dead excited that she can wear all her old clothes etc etc....and then she starts putting it back on and not wanting to talk about it and being all depressed and feeling awful about herself.

    Then something clicks again and she gets excited about losing weight again, and it's got to the point now where I just don't want to invest in it. Last time, around September, she banged on about losing a fair bit of weight that week and how she's going to fit into old clothes blah blah blah...and I just couldn't get excited about it, because it makes it all the more painful to watch when she inevitably cancels it out a few months later. She sensed I wasn't feeling it last time (around September) and I told her how I felt about it. I think she then took it upon herself to prove me wrong and did well at it (she's very stubborn!) but the cycle has begun again. She's put weight on and after Christmas - I suggested waiting until January as Christmas isn't the best time to start dieting - will be back on it with the dieting.

    This is a cycle of 3-6 months. Losing weight, feeling great, putting it back on, feeling awful and depressed and distant....and then getting exciting about how she's going to lose weight (for good this time!). I've no begun to resent the whole cycle, especially because it's self-inflicted.

    She's begun seeing a counsellor about it (and about her upbringing in general, which is possibly an underlying cause but I won't go into that here), but I want to talk to someone myself because I feel I need to be able to talk about it. I'm hesitant to talk to her and express just how much it upsets me as I don't want her to go into a shame spiral about it. At the same time though, part of me resents the whole thing and especially that I don't feel I can be honest with her about how I feel.

    Generally a bit confused
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    Sheeeet is it really that hopeless?
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    (Original post by opearlescent)
    I seriously don't think anyone should post weights or numbers since most of us have clearly suffered/are suffering and posting numbers is just triggering and unnecessary for other people, especially as eating disorders aren't dependant on weight


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    ideally not but in the above example it was clear that they recognise the number was unhealthy for them and actively sought professional help to challenge the ED and gain. So that's an example of proactive recovery.

    The number on its own would be awful of course

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    I think we should be able to 'compare' up to around BMI 22 or 23, the ideal range that people get to once fully recovered. As a rule anyone who 'only' gets to BMI 20 is prone to relapse and clinging on a little (example: myself :/) People who get to BMI22+ tend to stay recovered with low risk of relapse, and it's still a healthy weight. I can't promote obesity but won't elaborate on that, I also know BMI is not as great as bf% composition but that is equally as triggering for some; suffice to say I don't think anywhere between BMI 19 and 25 is an unhealthy weight to be, and that if we're going to be competing with each other to a higher BMI within reason, I don't see the harm in that


    That being said, ultimately absence of depressive logic and insecurity is a far greater sign of complete recovery than the number….
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Hey,

    I think you've probably come further than you think you have, but there are always going to be ups and downs. I think you do give yourself a very hard time for things which most people would consider perfectly healthy and not think twice about, I think maybe the health anxiety makes you question every tiny little thing you do maybe?

    The majority of people wouldn't even consider obsessing about whether they are 'allowed' to have cake, for example, and that is part of eating disordered thinking, as I'm sure you know. As is obsessing about physique. It isn't a choice between obsessing about physique and having physical/mental health damage caused by junk food and obesity - there's a lot in between that. You can have foods which aren't so nutritious (I'm not going to call it 'junk food' or 'unhealthy' food, because as the dietitian at our EDU told us regularly, snacks don't have to be nutritious - sometimes they are just nice to have, when you want them - other times you may not be in the mood for them - and sometimes they are just to give you an energy boost), but you can have them in moderation, without them causing any negative health effects. You certainly don't have to have them every day, but if you are obsessing about whether you should have them, then that is disordered. Muscle dysmorphia, for example, can be a consequence of obsessing about physique, and there's orthorexia too.

    I think it might be worth having a chat with your GP about the eating/physique-related thoughts though. Even if it's not a 'problem' for you at the moment, it's having a negative effect on your life and it sounds like you could do with some help with your views about eating/health. I suspect you may be right, the anxiety and insecurity sounds like it's the underlying issue for you, but I think speaking to your GP (or your support team if you are already having any therapy?) would be beneficial there.

    Good luck for the Asperger's assessment, I hope it's helpful.

    ---

    As an update for myself...things aren't going well. I've been out of hospital since September, and I have lost a significant amount of weight since then. I am back to being in the 'anorexia' weight range, and I had blood tests and an ECG last week which showed that bloods were fine but my heart rate is slower again. Not hugely slow, but it has dropped to being 49, which is significantly slower than it usually is. SEDCAS have now moved me from their 'green' risk category to the 'orange' category. My SEDCAS worker has said that the next 2-3 weeks are critical for me, if I can't manage to stabilise things I will be back in 'full-blown anorexia'.

    And even then, I am struggling. My dad has been away since Wednesday (until Monday) and my eating has deteriorated a lot this week. Uni know I am struggling again, and I had a very long talk and cry to my supervisor on Thursday. I am so cold I can barely function, I just hurt because I am so cold. I am exhausted again, I have no energy. My team have said to me that it is critical than I maintain my weight this week, and I haven't even managed that yet. I am going to try really, really hard tomorrow. The thoughts in my head are so strong at the moment, the guilt is so intense, I feel so greedy and self-indulgent and selfish and disgusting if I allow myself to eat. And I am trying to fight it so hard - I am still managing 3 meals a day until this week, but it's not enough to maintain my weight, and the eating disordered thoughts have just taken over again.

    I've got an advent calendar for December and I'm so terrified of letting myself have the chocolate. I'm trying to not do it as 'part of my snack', but to do it as 'extra' as a challenge - anything 'over' frightens me because I feel self-indulgent and greedy for doing it. But I'm so, so frightened.

    I am fighting it, I am trying my best, although things are very bad at the moment. I just hate this illness. I want to get my MSc and do the best I can in it, I want to have the energy to train properly, and to enjoy life. But I am struggling so much.

    Apologies for negativity.
    Hey Liv, just to say I hope you are having a nice Christmas :hugs:

    I'll spare you my dilemma as it may trigger you
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Hey Liv, just to say I hope you are having a nice Christmas :hugs:

    I'll spare you my dilemma as it may trigger you
    Feel free to talk about it, I don't tend to get triggered anyway besides by myself! But it's up to you.

    My Christmas was up and down. Started off lovely, ended up horribly, but hey ho. Weight-wise has been pretty bad, but the last couple of days I've done better at sticking to my meal plan so that's positive at least.
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    I've suffered with an eating disorder for the past 9 years. Although for the last 4 I have been managing a stable healthy weight. Every day is a battle (sorry, I know people don't want to hear this!) and even though I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend I still suffer.

    I was just wondering if anyone has ever gotten over the thoughts completely. I know I'll never weigh 5 stone again (my lowest weight) because I can recognise the signs, but it makes me hate myself half the time and is so stressful.

    My thoughts are with everyone suffering, just remember that this battle is hard but it's so worth it and will make you a stronger person. 5 years ago I was so fixated that I would've been terrified of being a healthy 10 stone.

    If anyone needs to chat with someone who's been there and won't judge, please PM me, I never had the courage to ask for help and I wish I had. Much love and hugs xxx

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    (Original post by ColouredTights)
    I've suffered with an eating disorder for the past 9 years. Although for the last 4 I have been managing a stable healthy weight. Every day is a battle (sorry, I know people don't want to hear this!) and even though I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend I still suffer.

    I was just wondering if anyone has ever gotten over the thoughts completely. I know I'll never weigh 5 stone again (my lowest weight) because I can recognise the signs, but it makes me hate myself half the time and is so stressful.

    My thoughts are with everyone suffering, just remember that this battle is hard but it's so worth it and will make you a stronger person. 5 years ago I was so fixated that I would've been terrified of being a healthy 10 stone.

    If anyone needs to chat with someone who's been there and won't judge, please PM me, I never had the courage to ask for help and I wish I had. Much love and hugs xxx

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I had an atypical eating disorder from fifteen to seventeen. Spent eight months in hospital and weighed less than four and a half stone at my lowest weight.
    I can honestly say I have no issues with eating anymore. I do still monitor my calories but that's to make sure I eat enough, about 2200 as I lose weight easily.
    Some of the girls I was in hospital with still have issues with food, body weight but others have fully recovered and never looked back
 
 
 
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