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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Toto your thread is so epic, you really are lovely.

    The following post is to anyone whose ED is becoming a serious impediment to their higher education.

    (I wrote this yesterday to a med student facing expulsion because of her eating disorders.
    I thought I should post it here because several people said it was helpful/insightful to hear my story and a little bit of advice.)

    Hey.

    As someone who’s been struggling with interchanging and sometimes simultaneous manifestations of both illnesses, alongside PTSD, 'uni-polar'depression and general personal weirdness (like reckless and impulsive behaviour be it hard drugs or self harm or sex or what have you) and is also a high achiever but also an under achiever, I can tell you a few things.

    I’m retaking my A-levels now. On thursday I will be done. I am 20.
    I am at university at the moment, second year at art school.
    I always wanted and was meant to do english literature.
    You know, some people are just meant for certain things, like you are for medicine and I am for literature.
    At school I regularly wrote the best essays. I went to one of the country’s most academically competent schools.
    At school, I got horribly sick and had to be hospitalised soon after my ASs for two months.
    I came back in september and bulimia kicked the **** out of me.
    By december I got the whole you’re not well enough to be here but we like you go get help.
    I got help, my doctor pressed for inpatient which I narrowly avoided.
    I wasn’t there for most of my last year at school.
    I performed very erratically, gaining high As in some modules and Cs and Ds in others.
    I didn’t hand in my coursework and got a U for that module.
    I was denied extenuating circumstances.
    I ended up with ABC grades.
    I had offers from top unis. Edinburgh even offered me BBB to read english, but I wouldn’t have even achieved that.
    I went to art school instead.
    During foundation I was fine until November. Bulimia, bulimia… attempted suicide on my 19th birthday.
    Went home for chistmas. By february I was at my lowest weight ever.
    Several months of hardcore anorexia followed.
    I worked like a maniac. Didn’t eat or sleep. got onto the fine art degree course at central saint martins.
    Then I began recovering. And got into drugs, hugely. Several times I overdosed and it could’ve ended bad. Didn’t.
    I nearly failed my foundation. But didn’t. Got my **** together, managed to pass it, got onto my degree course.
    By december of my first year at CSM it was clear I was on the wrong course.
    By march I enrolled at a sixth form college.
    It is now June and I have (nearly) finished two full a-levels (had to redo them completely, specifications changed since I left school so could no longer retake certain modules)
    Hopefully, I will be able to convince UCL or King’s to take me in October.
    If not, I will have take a year out and apply to Clare's, Cambridge.

    It’s taken me four years to get to a point where I can say I am more in control of my life today than my eating disorder is in control of everything in my life.

    The only moral of the story is get the help you need when you need it.
    If it takes you longer than most people, so be it.
    Being on a top course, especially at med school, requires you to be as strong as you can be.
    Give yourself a chance to heal.
    Go inpatient, if you can. Work hard on therapy. Get a part time job. Keep working on your study skills.
    You deserve the career you want so much.
    You are up to it academically, you are up to it as a person.
    Give yourself time, be patient, and trust me it is possible to rise from all kinds of ashes.
    But like someone told me once, hell is bottomless. Don’t wait for things to get worse, don’t expect yourself to combat your plague overnight.
    Be honest with your friends, your family, your doctors. With yourself.
    If you’re not okay, you’re not okay.
    It doesn’t have to be this way forever.

    I can’t tell you what to do. But I hope you think about it better than I thought about it, and make decisions that won’t cost you health and happiness.


    attached photos.. me at seventeen (100-105lbs) last year (95lbs and lower), me now (125lbs)
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Yeah, the problem is in our school the canteen's like right in the middle so if it's raining you have to walk through it to get to the other half of the school... it's a conspiracy I swear

    Yeahh, well I was only diagnosed when I was nearly 14 because I changed dietician and the new one realised straight away what was up. But I went through my old food journals and doctor's notes and everything recently and I can trace actual ED thoughts/patterns/behaviours back to when I was ten... Kinda makes me angry that, because I was so young, they just ignored all the signs of an ED and thought I was anaemic haha.

    It is sad when I think I've wasted nearly half my life on this, but it hasn't been constant, like until I was 14 it was on and off every few months. I know what you mean, bit of a mind ****, didn't realise until I wrote that how long it's been! Ughhh

    That's awful about the exam thing though, I must admit I didn't study Religious Language so I don't know what any of that stuff is but that is baddd :/ I did think the natural moral law one was a bit ambiguous too, I couldn't work out if it 'critiques of religion and morality' was a subject that I hadn't learned or just a choice of words? Ah well, all written and done now! On to tomorrow. And yes, major praying to the God of Exams going on here too
    Crap school layout!
    I think it's really weird when you look back and try to trace it. I think I've always had disordered eating/ED behaviours and far far too many awful experiences with food for someone who never liked eating in the first place but I was functional (well, ignoring the depressive staying in bed months) and it never actually turned into a full ED until I went to this really academic college where everyone else seemed to do well and I was determined to do just as well but ended up making myself even more ill by studying too hard and not really dealing with my depression.
    I'm too tired to revise and I either need to have a nap or drink my coke. I haven't slept properly for 2 days so I think it needs to be a nap but coke's so tasty... think it's gonna be another late night/early morning tonight.
    :hugs: How many exams do you have left after English?
    I keep watching the video in my sig to make myself laugh and take my mind off exams. After tomorrow I only have one more exam left! And I can afford to semi flop Psychology- I'll try not to though, I want an A* because it will get on my nerves that I've got over 90% for each exam and then not the last one. I haven't even looked at Psychology because of RS so I'm going to have to cram it all in 5 days- at least it's not a day like RS! Oh God, my eyes are burning and glazing over at the same time. Half an hour nap it is. Or maybe I should try and stay awake? I don't know!

    I think it's pretty good that our posts are more exams than ED stuff! As stressful as this is, it's sort of refreshing...

    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    Im so glad i havent binged in a while because then i just feel like back to square one i.e. a fat loser sorry to say
    You're not fat and you're not a loser and binging doesn't make you either. :hugs:
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    (Original post by forsaken_earth)
    Toto your thread is so epic, you really are lovely.

    The following post is to anyone whose ED is becoming a serious impediment to their higher education.

    (I wrote this yesterday to a med student facing expulsion because of her eating disorders.
    I thought I should post it here because several people said it was helpful/insightful to hear my story and a little bit of advice.)

    Hey.

    As someone who’s been struggling with interchanging and sometimes simultaneous manifestations of both illnesses, alongside PTSD, 'uni-polar'depression and general personal weirdness (like reckless and impulsive behaviour be it hard drugs or self harm or sex or what have you) and is also a high achiever but also an under achiever, I can tell you a few things.

    I’m retaking my A-levels now. On thursday I will be done. I am 20.
    I am at university at the moment, second year at art school.
    I always wanted and was meant to do english literature.
    You know, some people are just meant for certain things, like you are for medicine and I am for literature.
    At school I regularly wrote the best essays. I went to one of the country’s most academically competent schools.
    At school, I got horribly sick and had to be hospitalised soon after my ASs for two months.
    I came back in september and bulimia kicked the **** out of me.
    By december I got the whole you’re not well enough to be here but we like you go get help.
    I got help, my doctor pressed for inpatient which I narrowly avoided.
    I wasn’t there for most of my last year at school.
    I performed very erratically, gaining high As in some modules and Cs and Ds in others.
    I didn’t hand in my coursework and got a U for that module.
    I was denied extenuating circumstances.
    I ended up with ABC grades.
    I had offers from top unis. Edinburgh even offered me BBB to read english, but I wouldn’t have even achieved that.
    I went to art school instead.
    During foundation I was fine until November. Bulimia, bulimia… attempted suicide on my 19th birthday.
    Went home for chistmas. By february I was at my lowest weight ever.
    Several months of hardcore anorexia followed.
    I worked like a maniac. Didn’t eat or sleep. got onto the fine art degree course at central saint martins.
    Then I began recovering. And got into drugs, hugely. Several times I overdosed and it could’ve ended bad. Didn’t.
    I nearly failed my foundation. But didn’t. Got my **** together, managed to pass it, got onto my degree course.
    By december of my first year at CSM it was clear I was on the wrong course.
    By march I enrolled at a sixth form college.
    It is now June and I have (nearly) finished two full a-levels (had to redo them completely, specifications changed since I left school so could no longer retake certain modules)
    Hopefully, I will be able to convince UCL or King’s to take me in October.
    If not, I will have take a year out and apply to Clare's, Cambridge.

    It’s taken me four years to get to a point where I can say I am more in control of my life today than my eating disorder is in control of everything in my life.

    The only moral of the story is get the help you need when you need it.
    If it takes you longer than most people, so be it.
    Being on a top course, especially at med school, requires you to be as strong as you can be.
    Give yourself a chance to heal.
    Go inpatient, if you can. Work hard on therapy. Get a part time job. Keep working on your study skills.
    You deserve the career you want so much.
    You are up to it academically, you are up to it as a person.
    Give yourself time, be patient, and trust me it is possible to rise from all kinds of ashes.
    But like someone told me once, hell is bottomless. Don’t wait for things to get worse, don’t expect yourself to combat your plague overnight.
    Be honest with your friends, your family, your doctors. With yourself.
    If you’re not okay, you’re not okay.
    It doesn’t have to be this way forever.

    I can’t tell you what to do. But I hope you think about it better than I thought about it, and make decisions that won’t cost you health and happiness.


    attached photos.. me at seventeen (100-105lbs) last year (95lbs and lower), me now (125lbs)
    I read this post on the med thread but I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. I think it's amazing that you've come back from all of that.
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    thank you


    managed to sleep for i dont know how long im gguessing about 2 hours damn this heat but i woke up feeling horrid went downstairs mums making a pea and potato curry and i had some peas and 2 pieces of potato she was like dont pick if hyou want some eat it! i can see flour is made so i - despite feeling fat seeing the strecth marks and ccellulite - will have maybe half a chapatti later for energy cos i feel like **** right now and dont want to get ill or faint etc


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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Spoiler:
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    yeah bmi is a bag of ****, i still look fat eventhough my bmi says not, i am ****ing ridiculousy fat and disgusting and horrible and want to ****ing die right now - can't be ****ED with this ****.
    :hugs: i promise you you aren't fat even if you dont believe it yet all those around you know you arent and so do we :hugs: and hopefully one side of you knows youre not either your beautiful inside and out ok!!!!!!! im the fat one and im not even kidding. always looked pregnant :mad:

    dont know what im gonna do at uni. i have always been a picky eater and only ate the best of foods / most expensive/ high quality so a) i wont have enough money and even if i do i doubt il buy or eat anything frozen so how on earth will i cope without mums cooking the only foods i seem to like are spicy foods which mum cooks and il be away from home .......


    the ED is the ****ing horrid **** not you you don't want to die please hun :hugs:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I read this post on the med thread but I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. I think it's amazing that you've come back from all of that.
    I tried to cut the events down to the ones actually relevant to education.. it wasn't meant to be a look how awesome i am sort of thing.
    thank you for being so lovely to me =)
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    :hugs: i promise you you aren't fat even if you dont believe it yet all those around you know you arent and so do we :hugs: and hopefully one side of you knows youre not either your beautiful inside and out ok!!!!!!! im the fat one and im not even kidding. always looked pregnant :mad:

    dont know what im gonna do at uni. i have always been a picky eater and only ate the best of foods / most expensive/ high quality so a) i wont have enough money and even if i do i doubt il buy or eat anything frozen so how on earth will i cope without mums cooking the only foods i seem to like are spicy foods which mum cooks and il be away from home .......


    the ED is the ****ing horrid **** not you you don't want to die please hun :hugs:
    i do want to die, and its just everything together that has done this to me, i've given up i don't give a **** anymore

    as for the university thing i was assuming that when i go i'll just be eating cereal and i dont think fruit or veg is that expensive so maybe some of that but that really dont matter anymore
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    :hugs: i promise you you aren't fat even if you dont believe it yet all those around you know you arent and so do we :hugs: and hopefully one side of you knows youre not either your beautiful inside and out ok!!!!!!! im the fat one and im not even kidding. always looked pregnant :mad:

    dont know what im gonna do at uni. i have always been a picky eater and only ate the best of foods / most expensive/ high quality so a) i wont have enough money and even if i do i doubt il buy or eat anything frozen so how on earth will i cope without mums cooking the only foods i seem to like are spicy foods which mum cooks and il be away from home .......


    the ED is the ****ing horrid **** not you you don't want to die please hun :hugs:
    You don't happen to be African/Jamacian/Asian? /stereotyping Because ditto to the bit in bold. When I was in IP, the staff thought it was an ED thing that I was crying for pepper sauce but in reality it's a 'everything I eat is covered in pepper and bland things are disgusting' thing.

    What are you going to study at uni?
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    I'm half Asain - not east :p: !!!!!!!!!
    I was just thinking I will have to ask mum what she puts in her curries
    but I don't know what on earth to add i cant eat meat so vegetables? chickpeas maybe potatoes :sigh:
    Yeah my tastebuds only seem to favour spicy foods atm tbh.

    I'm studying Pharmacy :hugs:

    youve got a good eye diamond
    lol
    squiff please there is a way out of this **** mind state are you at uni. going? hugs x x x x x
    (Original post by squiff93)
    xx
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    (Original post by forsaken_earth)
    I tried to cut the events down to the ones actually relevant to education.. it wasn't meant to be a look how awesome i am sort of thing.
    thank you for being so lovely to me =)
    Don't be silly, it didn't come across that way at all! I'm just awed by your resilience and the way you just refuse to give up! :hugs: And majorly impressed by you doing 2 full A levels in a year! I just finished one intensive A level and I'm exhausted. I hope you get where you want to be! And yay to being in the English Lit club!
    I can really identify with the over achieving and under achieving thing. It still gets me down when I look at my GCSE and AS level grades because I was meant to get much better grades than I managed. Aw well. I think what annoys me about this illness is my concentration is so bad I've gone from reading a book a day to a book every 4 months. :rolleyes:
    How are you doing now?
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    My body is crying out for a good spicy curry but the last one mum made she put spinach in and it wasnt spicy cos no one else likes it too hot :mad:
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    I'm half Asain - not east :p: !!!!!!!!!
    I was just thinking I will have to ask mum what she puts in her curries
    but I don't know what on earth to add i cant eat meat so vegetables? chickpeas maybe potatoes :sigh:
    Yeah my tastebuds only seem to favour spicy foods atm tbh.

    I'm studying Pharmacy :hugs:

    youve got a good eye diamond
    lol
    squiff please there is a way out of this **** mind state are you at uni. going? hugs x x x x x
    My radar works quite well! And chickpea and sweet potato curry with spinach stirred in with loads of pepper (scotch bonnet ) and brown rice is always good. And very healthy. You can't eat meat as in you're a vegetarian or you can't eat meat as in your ED won't let you but you want it? No judgements, don't worry!
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    My body is crying out for a good spicy curry but the last one mum made she put spinach in and it wasnt spicy cos no one else likes it too hot :mad:
    My sister always complains whenever me or my mum cook because she's sweating at the pepper and my mum and I are like :indiff: 'More pepper!'.
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    Well I can only eat halal meat but thatll be expensive all the time.
    Was thinking quorn but urgh.
    And whats point when I'll only manage probbably 1/8 of what the butcher will give:sigh:
    seriously im gonna have to stick to veggies and brown rice is a great idea
    then look forward to come home to mums cooking which is always a good thing and might tempt me home more:p:
    but il ask her for some recipes and have to substitute meat for boring vegetables:sigh:
    or just screw it altogether and stick to my crunchy nut cereal obssession even though i dont actually eat them and theyre hardly very nutritional except for the iron is it..........
    gonna have some of that curry mums made but without the potatoes cos il just end up feeling guilty tbh
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    diamond do you like chicken? chicken fajitas :coma: with spicy spicy seasoning
    not had in a while
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    dont know what happened to me at one point i disliked chicken on its own i.e. in a fajita cos i was more like ew animally veins ew lol
    i swear im odd.........
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    squiff please there is a way out of this **** mind state are you at uni. going? hugs x x x x x
    i wanted to go to essex, but i doubt i'll be going now tbh
    1. i haven't revised enough i either felt too ill, too tired or making myself sick
    2. its a while away and i can't look at my life that far in the future because i hate thinking it'll last that long
    3. can't end on an even number

    xxx
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    i dont understand what you mean by number 3?
    looking into the future i was the same i was like whatever if it happens itll happen but i dont believe it till it does....hon you are bright you will make it i promise you you just need to focus get a grip of the ED and think **** if im alive i might as well make the best of my future as opposed to letting the ED win and me being miserable
    we always feel like we havent revised enough but maybe deep down you know your stuff im sure youll pass please revise if you feeel you dont know enough i want u to get those grades!!!!!!!!!!



    im gonna have that curry later when mums friend goes but i just feel so guilty because right now my belly is so fat i look bloated and feel pregnant but i know the sensible side of me is saying eat which despite feeling fat is surely good cos i need energy and it might help me sleep better but urgh :sigh:

    xxxxxxxxx
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    i dont understand what you mean by number 3?
    looking into the future i was the same i was like whatever if it happens itll happen but i dont believe it till it does....hon you are bright you will make it i promise you you just need to focus get a grip of the ED and think **** if im alive i might as well make the best of my future as opposed to letting the ED win and me being miserable
    we always feel like we havent revised enough but maybe deep down you know your stuff im sure youll pass please revise if you feeel you dont know enough i want u to get those grades!!!!!!!!!!



    im gonna have that curry later when mums friend goes but i just feel so guilty because right now my belly is so fat i look bloated and feel pregnant but i know the sensible side of me is saying eat which despite feeling fat is surely good cos i need energy and it might help me sleep better but urgh :sigh:

    xxxxxxxxx
    its just weird to end on point number two its weird i can't do it, feels wrong...

    and i don't feel bright i feel stupid, if i was bright i would have spent the whole of today revising instead of being sick and then just feeling **** about it feeling guilty and hurting myself ....

    i'm just going to **** up all my chances tomorrow because i'm first going to fail english then maths, the idea of eating tomorrow seems so out of the question i'm going to have like no energy and do the whole writing stuff that doesn't make sense and writing things i don't mean, putting words in the wrong order and writing the same word like 3 times in a row .....
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    **** **** **** ****

    My mum just got home, I went downstairs to tell her that I don't need dinner because I had my sushi mini box thing, but I would still cook for her and my brother if she wanted... she just ignored me and went to the freezer and started pulling out all these different boxes of food, like two boxes of fishcakes and veggie burgers. I said 'what are you doing, you can't eat all those' and she was like 'yes you are and we can, they need eating up' and I kept saying 'we can't eat all of that food' until she turned round and yelled that I was ****ing pathetic and slapped me.

    I know she's stressed because of some crap that's going on at work but seriously, she knows I did really badly in my exam today and I'm really worried about the one tomorrow as well, I appreciate she doesn't understand my ED properly but why does she think now is a good time to start force-feeding me?! I just left her to it and now I can hear her putting it all in the oven and I'm not going to lie, I am ****ing terrified, she's going to make me eat it and then I'm not going to be able to throw it up because she's not going out tonight and I'm going to spend all tonight worrying about that instead of revising and I won't be able to sleep because I'll have eaten and I'm going to fail my ****ing English exam and I just don't know what to do.

    Really, really don't want to be conscious right now.
 
 
 
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