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    (Original post by squiff93)
    awh thankyouu, alright i promise to try and eat tomorrow

    and yeah i know advice is so much easier to give than receive, not particularly a morning person lol but with caffeine i'm sure its do-able, well it will have to be unless i work through the night because i have not done nearly enough work today well any in fact :/

    my skin is ****eddddd my face is all blotchy and my lips are all sore and its just gross
    YAYAY! Did u manage to? Thanks for at least having the thought- thats a step
    I really really hope that your exam goes well today and I am sure you will find that if you eat a bit more your skin and face will be better. Work out your priorities Best of luck xx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

    Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

    First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

    Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

    The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

    And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

    Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

    For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

    I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

    Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.
    Oh My gossshhh!! You really really scared me. Firstly, I am mega sorry to hear about that- that is really awful news. Secondly, although it shouldn't have taken this, thanks for the wake up call. I hope it gave you as a big a one as it gave me!!!!!
    I really hope things start improving for you and I must say as I haven't had the opportunity to say it yet, I really appreciate you starting this post- it has really really helped me!!! You really are quite admirable!
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    (Original post by Sugarcandy)
    Oh My gossshhh!! You really really scared me. Firstly, I am mega sorry to hear about that- that is really awful news. Secondly, although it shouldn't have taken this, thanks for the wake up call. I hope it gave you as a big a one as it gave me!!!!!
    I really hope things start improving for you and I must say as I haven't had the opportunity to say it yet, I really appreciate you starting this post- it has really really helped me!!! You really are quite admirable!
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
    Hey Toto, that sounds horrible. I really hope you get better soon and that this might help push you to get better. Also I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I hope that having something real and explicit that happened to you because of the eating disorder means that you can fully realise that it is hurting you a lot, instead of justifying it because you can get by on a daily basis. I might be barking up the wrong tree but I always used to feel like people were just exaggerating how bad the effects were, I never believed that anything bad would really happen to me because of it.
    Is there still room on this thread for stories, or has it moved onto advice now?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
    You have no idea how scared and shocked I was at your last post. I've been conscious of the fact that you've been gone for a while and I've been worrying because I've noticed how negative this thread has become and then when I saw that news... God, it was awful: all my fears were confirmed and I just felt like crying. But you are so, so right. Sometimes it's only with a real shock that people really understand just how devastating an ED is.

    Please listen to Toto everyone: recovery is hard and awful but the alternative is so so so much worse. At the end of recovery you get back something you forgot about: you get your happiness, your family, your ability to progress in a career. Your life. Please see that - regardless of your BMI or weight or anything. It starts with "I don't want dinner" "My BMI is higher than hers" "I feel fat compared fo my friend" and then it spirals out of control and before you know it you're where Toto just was: on the cusp of something too frightening to say.

    I hope you're okay Toto. Keep strong :jumphug:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    x
    Look after you. I know it's easy to say coming from somebody who has no idea what you're going through...but I do know that you are a great person, and that you have a great future ahead of you away from your eating disorder. Keep fighting your ED, there is so much more out there in life (as I'm sure you're perfectly aware!)

    I haven't posted in this thread for a long time, I haven't felt like I deserve to because I've been doing ok. For some reason I've been seeing that as a bad thing though? But it's not a bad thing, not really.

    I'm eating regularly and healthily again now. I was fed up with not having the energy to train. Training is what I need right now, more than ever, and it's illogical to destroy my ability to do it when it's making me unhappy. So I'm eating well again. And y'know what? I haven't put on loads of weight. 2lbs maybe, in the last month. And that's ok. I can't say I'm thrilled, but I'm still at the lower end of healthy, and I guess it's called 'healthy' for a reason. And it's worth it, to be honest. I might want to lose weight, but I want to train more and I have so much more energy now I'm eating a 'normal' amount again.

    I am struggling a bit at the moment. We found out on Tuesday that my mum's cancer has spread, and a part of me just wants to give up completely. I want to stop functioning now. I want to hurt myself physically as much as it hurts inside right now (stupid I know). But it won't help, it won't change anything, and I just want to make my mum happy. I guess I have to just keep telling myself that.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
    Your words are so profound and I reiterate that I really really appreciate them. If I am honest with myself, their effect will probably wear off pretty quickly but at least I know where to look if I need the 'scare' to be reinstated. I am so sorry that you are in this position. I wish that this was upon none of us and I wish that something clicks inside you- its kinda what I have been hoping for. Doubt it will happen but you can hope. You truly are an inspiration
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

    Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

    First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

    Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

    The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

    And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

    Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

    For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

    I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

    Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.
    Oh Toto. :cry: Sorry I didn't reply before. I saw you'd posted on the thread and I came on, read your post and had to go to my exam. I've been thinking about you and hoping you were ok and to hear this?? ****. :sad: I've been trying not to say too many negative things and put whatever negative things I was saying in spoilers but I do have to say that even I don't like being on here that much anymore because it's just all a bit too much. I just really want to hug you and tell you to keep being amazing and fighting because you deserve so much more than this.
    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Look after you. I know it's easy to say coming from somebody who has no idea what you're going through...but I do know that you are a great person, and that you have a great future ahead of you away from your eating disorder. Keep fighting your ED, there is so much more out there in life (as I'm sure you're perfectly aware!)

    I haven't posted in this thread for a long time, I haven't felt like I deserve to because I've been doing ok. For some reason I've been seeing that as a bad thing though? But it's not a bad thing, not really.

    I'm eating regularly and healthily again now. I was fed up with not having the energy to train. Training is what I need right now, more than ever, and it's illogical to destroy my ability to do it when it's making me unhappy. So I'm eating well again. And y'know what? I haven't put on loads of weight. 2lbs maybe, in the last month. And that's ok. I can't say I'm thrilled, but I'm still at the lower end of healthy, and I guess it's called 'healthy' for a reason. And it's worth it, to be honest. I might want to lose weight, but I want to train more and I have so much more energy now I'm eating a 'normal' amount again.

    I am struggling a bit at the moment. We found out on Tuesday that my mum's cancer has spread, and a part of me just wants to give up completely. I want to stop functioning now. I want to hurt myself physically as much as it hurts inside right now (stupid I know). But it won't help, it won't change anything, and I just want to make my mum happy. I guess I have to just keep telling myself that.
    :hugs: I'm so sorry about your mum.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    .
    Fuuuck, so so sorry to hear this have they said what's going on, when you'll be out again etc? It feels so insensitive of me to be sat here typing out all this crap when you are, as you say, 'faced with your own mortality'. Really really hope everything's okay and you can just take this as some kind of terrifying motivation to recover. I think I speak for all of us when I say this thread, even if it's got triggering recently, has been so so helpful - if only to know that we're not alone and don't have to fight this alone. I have been a bit concerned the last few days about people on here focusing on BMI etc when really that doesn't say how healthy a person is at all... and we definitely need you alive man!

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :jumphugs: I'm so so sorry hun. :sad:
    Thank youu :hugs: I won't put what happened because it seems trivial now but she calmed down and it was all fine in the end Hope English went okay for you today!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

    Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

    First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

    Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

    The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

    And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

    Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

    For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

    I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

    Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.
    I was wondering also why the thread starter hadnt commented much recently and i noticed how the tone of the thread had changed from the start to now.

    I hope you are managing toto even though things are so bad. I too feel this thread had become quite triggering, the competitive nature of eating disorders makes it so easy to see a figure and compare yourself to it. Thanks for starting this thread though it started off so encouraging.

    Also sugar candy, yes i have professional help and know what i need to do to get better. I can see slight changes but it's slow.

    xx
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Fuuuck, so so sorry to hear this have they said what's going on, when you'll be out again etc? It feels so insensitive of me to be sat here typing out all this crap when you are, as you say, 'faced with your own mortality'. Really really hope everything's okay and you can just take this as some kind of terrifying motivation to recover. I think I speak for all of us when I say this thread, even if it's got triggering recently, has been so so helpful - if only to know that we're not alone and don't have to fight this alone. I have been a bit concerned the last few days about people on here focusing on BMI etc when really that doesn't say how healthy a person is at all... and we definitely need you alive man!



    Thank youu :hugs: I won't put what happened because it seems trivial now but she calmed down and it was all fine in the end Hope English went okay for you today!
    PM me? :hugs:
    (Original post by harri_d92)
    I was wondering also why the thread starter hadnt commented much recently and i noticed how the tone of the thread had changed from the start to now.

    I hope you are managing toto even though things are so bad. I too feel this thread had become quite triggering, the competitive nature of eating disorders makes it so easy to see a figure and compare yourself to it. Thanks for starting this thread though it started off so encouraging.

    Also sugar candy, yes i have professional help and know what i need to do to get better. I can see slight changes but it's slow.

    xx
    I'm glad you have help. I'm going to need to get some for myself this summer.
    BiB: Yep. :sigh:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...

    I cried when I read this .I dont know what to say except you will be in my thoughts as you continue to recover
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

    Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

    First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

    Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

    The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

    And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

    Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

    For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

    I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

    Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.
    This.
    You have to work really hard to get rid of the ****.
    Say "Im doing ok" is not good enough. Every day you should be doing everything you need to.

    You are all in charge of your fate.

    Im sorry you had to go through this to realise toto.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    PM me? :hugs:
    Ah it's not that important, she just calmed down and I calmed down and when I got downstairs she'd made me a big plate of carrot and broccoli and some crisps instead and today she took me out for coffee in her lunch break to celebrate end of exams, which was lovely, I think she felt bad

    When's psychology?
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    I can second Toto's point about anorexia and cardiac complications. I put myself through anorexia and bulimia for almost 9 years. I now have a sudden death syndrome where my heart will go into cardiac arrest under any strain. My cardio says we'll never know whether my ED excacerbated a pre-existing disorder. I do know that if I had carried on I would not be here now. As it is my life can be pretty miserable with all the fatigue, medications, other health problems and limitations because of my heart condition. Being chronically ill sucks.
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    (Original post by Sugarcandy)
    YAYAY! Did u manage to? Thanks for at least having the thought- thats a step
    I really really hope that your exam goes well today and I am sure you will find that if you eat a bit more your skin and face will be better. Work out your priorities Best of luck xx
    thanks

    i think i'm going to avoid this thread from now on, can't go into too much detail about whats happened but just goodluck and you can message me if you ever want to

    xx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I hope you don't mind too much, but I am going to post this as I feel it is about time to.

    Custard contacted me to state I was not posting here much. The reasons for this are three-fold, and I sincerely hope those in distress read these reasons.

    First up - I do not want to interfere with the integrity and the recovery of others. I'd noticed a few people here receiving great recovery advice and some good, strong options regarding how to combat their own afflictions. There's no point in adding to already-sound advice, lest I accidentally affect it in a bad way.

    Secondly, and more importantly, this thread has become increasingly negative. Almost trigger-worthy. I am personally unhappy with this. Every other message is "I binge-purged, I suck, I suck." Sometimes it is important to remember those enduring the same as you and stop being so selfish. Use SOME tact. ED is not an excuse to spurt out triggering statements willy-nilly. If you are feeling overwhelmed, that is understandable, but to state every day how self-indulgently dire you are feeling in order to incite sympathy is not constructive. Anyone knows this; it's a quick-fix easy get-out.

    Finally, and perhaps most outlandishly, I haven't posted here in a while because I have actually had what is, in effect, a minor heart attack. At less than 16 BMI, I felt I wasn't nearly as bad as some other anorexic posters here. I noticed poor Custardcream posting she was around the 13 mark and thought "hell, I'm GIANT compared to her. So I calmed down on my recovery.

    The other day, having restricted for a mere four days, my arm took a vice-like pain and I was taken into the hospital. Apparently I had endured what is termed as a "phantom heart attack" or "severe pre-emptive heart attack". This kind of thing is the last stage of angina before a life-threatening heart attack, by the way. Just goes to show that numbers mean **** all. If you are anorexic/ED-suffering, you are always at risk. You are killing yourselves.

    And to be completely bleak, blunt, and cruel, I don't think a lot of you are doing enough regarding recovery. Seriously. This last endeavour has shown me how much I lie to myself and say "oh, it's cool, tomorrow I'll recover better!".

    Nope, that's me, 26, having heart attacks, body shutting down. So I inadvertently become the agony aunt of this thread and state, "for god's sake, stop lying to yourselves and recover."

    For christ's sake, some of the reasoning your ED places in front of you is so petty. Want to appease it? Fair enough. Don't eat dinner. Be like me, this past week. Have a f***ing heart attack. Your choice, guys.

    I hate to be so blunt but it's come to this.

    Think about it. I love you all too much to see you endure what I have.
    thats really sad to hear, :cry2: really hope you get better wis you all the best.

    as for the negativity, your right, and i'm sorry
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    Oh and yeah numbers men jack your BMI was very low Toto remember that custard's height is different to yours and other varying factors should be taken into consideration like youre a man more muscle mass youre bound to be different in mass BMI is life ruining :mad:


    morning all '' well morning to me lol

    and erm a mere four days is not mere at all!!!!!!!!!
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    Yeah I don't want to become too ill and end up where I'm having severe health problems or more sadly not being able to have kids like so not worth that. but there's risks to anything in life but still suffering isn't worth it...heart attacks at such a young age deffo aren't either!!!!!!!!!!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
    it should not be on your mind at all death that's so sad to hear :'(
    toto i really hope you're encouraged to get better please you really are in a dire situation and you need to moreso now than ever before so please please get better you must ok !!!!!!!!! being blunt but it's kindness / out of kindness.
    i'm still a healthy weight i'm no where near as bad as you are. but you DO look ill on the outside too sorry if thats not what you want to hear but you do look thin and hence god only knows how sensitive your organs are inside.
    wish you all the best youre in our thoughts and prayers and know we're all here for you :hugs: you're so right though when death is put in front of you on a plate everything else prior on your plate seems minor i.e. the numbers the food xxxxxxxxxx
 
 
 
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