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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Despite seeming as though I was coming across as wholly insensitive the fact is I'm posting this from a hospital bed where they're monitoring my heart. That thing at the core of your body that keeps you alive. And up until a few days ago, I was crying like a buffoon because a number on a set of scales was marginally higher than it was a few months prior, and that I thought my stomach was looking a little softer. Made me also think of how the latter few things ruined my life and how absurd it was. A career, a happy social life, RUINED through the most childish, petty, stupid of things such as that. Having a "phantom" heart attack because of these illogical compulsions.

    It just puts things into perspective. Makes me think I keep making excuses and special circumstances, but who am I lying to? Erm, just me. I'm the only one that stands to lose out through this nightmare.

    The truth is that even whilst we're all trying, we're not trying hard enough. Something like this happening to me, even whilst I try to recover, proves that my body is still in a dangerous situation. And yet everyone still focuses on the numbers. Numbers are everything to us, but in reality they mean ****-all. They're killing me. They're killing you, too. The outside of your body might not necessarily show it but your insides are ruined because of it - my current situation is a testament to that.

    Everyone, don't lie to yourselves. Nobody wants to face death before their thirties, but mortality has (rather aptly) been on my mind these past few days...
    Oh God, this brought me to tears. I'm so so sorry to hear you're in hospital right now Tommy, and I hope that your condition improves swiftly.. I think this has brought some reality to me, because I have been kidding myself, thinking that if I'm gaining weight I'm not at risk, and that if I'm eating more I faked my eating disorder for attention (silly thought really, but the stigma against us doesn't help this). You hear stories about how people have heart problems even at normal BMIs after eating disorders, but that doesn't really hit you until someone you "know" is in hospital. :sad:

    You're such an inspiration, everyone has said it before, but you need to keep hearing it because it's so true.
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    okok here we go.

    RECOVERY HURTS. BUT EATING DISORDERS KILL.

    Toto... F**k me sideways. Christ, what a wake-up call.
    Thanks for your update.
    And thanks for giving ME the kick up the @SS I needed too. To listen to the people who say I still need to be in a wheelchair when I'm bleating 'I'm fine, I'm fine'

    I hadn't read that before I did what I did today (further down).
    Now I'm bloody glad I did.

    *hugs for you* xxxxxx
    ________________

    I got weighed this morning. I was up 0.6kg since Monday, and am now a BMI 14.0.
    I freaked, I cried, I bawled.
    I ate breakfast, all of it.
    I cried, and sat, and thought.

    I was due a 'review' (ie an increase) on Monday. It was hanging like the Sword of Damocles over my head. I was gaining anyway, I was feeling like crap anyway. Why not get the damn increase over with instead of dreading its appearance and getting more and more worked-up over it?! At least then my body gets to benefit from the extra calories for repair as well as restoring weight.

    My new MP looks like this -

    B – 2 weetabix, 200ml milk, 1 toast and 7g butter and 20g marmalade (450)
    S – 200ml milk (100)
    L – Full portion main (650). Half portion dessert (400)
    Dr – 200ml tea with milk (25)
    T – Full portion ‘snack’ main (600). Full portion ‘snack’ dessert (500)
    Dr – 200ml tea with milk (25)
    S – 200ml milk (100)
    = 2850.

    So 2800-3000 a day depending on what is served. Up from 1800-2000. My choice, my choice to get it over with. Bearing in mind I'm still on bedrest/wheelchair. Which, thanks to Toto, I'm kind-of accepting I need.
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    And it won't hurt you at all custard! I promise!
    well done and good luck:hugs:
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    = 2850.

    So 2800-3000 a day depending on what is served. Up from 1800-2000. My choice, my choice to get it over with. Bearing in mind I'm still on bedrest/wheelchair. Which, thanks to Toto, I'm kind-of accepting I need.
    I really can't express how brave you are; just have so so much admiration right now. Really, really well done - and good luck with the new MP xx
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    Thank you all so much for your amazing love and encouragement. It's this sort of posting that I'd initially intended this thread to be about - for everyone. Pity I had to be in such a dire situation to bring it out of people but I'm glad everyone understands that EDs are by no means glamorous.

    I've wrecked my body. No matter how "flabby" and "minging" I keep referring to my new "recovering" body, at least that body is alive. What's the alternative? A skinny body in a coffin. Aye, THAT'S attractive.

    Custard, I am so happy you're a bit more accepting of your situation for what it is. You're very, very ill as I am. The whole "God I suck, my BMI/weight went up, I'm a failure" mentality is absurd and foolish.

    Originally, I knew I was on the cusp of death. I looked like this:

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1308215091

    and a few days ago (before my heart scare) I looked like this:

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1308215141

    To me, I personally felt that the second me - the 2kg more (since two months ago) me, was filthy. Disgusting.

    HOW DARE YOU GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT.

    It was unfathomable how much weight I'd gained in my mind. But my body gave me the ultimate wakeup call and said "Erm, perspective? You're so absurdly ill, that one of your top three organs is giving up. Nice one, mate."

    Even if it's not for vanity, my stupid goals are so superficial. My ED is so superfluous, so top-layer and petty, that I need to shed it like a top-layer and find what's REALLY important in my life...
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    Custard, I adore you. You take the most important aspects of a strong, determined speech and hammer them home to me. You've also given me the ability to fight on.

    Given both of our positions and our obvious ability to inspire one another in our recovery, we should form some kind of ED Justice League thing. XXX
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    How about trying to stick to one healthy weight TOTO? Find a good weight and try and make your mind stick to that one; you will still feel the sense of control of your life by not budging from that weight if that is so badly what your mind wants and needs? It's a suggestion although not ideal it is better than what state you're in now and will allow you to have some form of control you so crave for

    sadly you do look very thin and ill but we all know that and it doesn't come as a shock the only thing shocking is that youre smart enough to know this is not right but sadly you still think your not thin well the ED does but we all know you are so you need to just STOP WORRYING OPEN YOUR EYES MORE and see how thin you are, compare old photos from when you were at uni DO SOMETHING but first and foremost get better and know we're here for you, again, always.:hugs:
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    yes you and custard seem the most ILL yet the most smart funny inspiring people on here
    good luck to both of ya
    please toto do it! you can k.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Just look at your face it might help you to see more how thin you actually are and how gaunt ..ill you look and unhealthy
    compare old face photos and this one
    sometimes it's hard being body dysmorphic to see your body as thin but maybe it might differ with the face?
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    ...
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    okok here we go.

    RECOVERY HURTS. BUT EATING DISORDERS KILL.

    Toto... F**k me sideways. Christ, what a wake-up call.
    Thanks for your update.
    And thanks for giving ME the kick up the @SS I needed too. To listen to the people who say I still need to be in a wheelchair when I'm bleating 'I'm fine, I'm fine'

    I hadn't read that before I did what I did today (further down).
    Now I'm bloody glad I did.

    *hugs for you* xxxxxx
    ________________

    I got weighed this morning. I was up 0.6kg since Monday, and am now a BMI 14.0.
    I freaked, I cried, I bawled.
    I ate breakfast, all of it.
    I cried, and sat, and thought.

    I was due a 'review' (ie an increase) on Monday. It was hanging like the Sword of Damocles over my head. I was gaining anyway, I was feeling like crap anyway. Why not get the damn increase over with instead of dreading its appearance and getting more and more worked-up over it?! At least then my body gets to benefit from the extra calories for repair as well as restoring weight.

    My new MP looks like this -

    B – 2 weetabix, 200ml milk, 1 toast and 7g butter and 20g marmalade (450)
    S – 200ml milk (100)
    L – Full portion main (650). Half portion dessert (400)
    Dr – 200ml tea with milk (25)
    T – Full portion ‘snack’ main (600). Full portion ‘snack’ dessert (500)
    Dr – 200ml tea with milk (25)
    S – 200ml milk (100)
    = 2850.

    So 2800-3000 a day depending on what is served. Up from 1800-2000. My choice, my choice to get it over with. Bearing in mind I'm still on bedrest/wheelchair. Which, thanks to Toto, I'm kind-of accepting I need.
    You have no idea how amazing you are! You're handling it so well and it's so obvious that you don't want to live with it- well, you can't live with it, clearly. I'm just in such awe of your strength and maturity you have no idea. I was reading my old diary yesterday to see what my head was like when I was in IP and I just kept fighting the staff and the consultants and clinging on to my ED, I mean I did what I was supposed to but I went through the motions and I wasn't fighting the ED, I was pretty pathetic. I wonder what position I'd be in now if I'd taken a leaf out of your book and kicked its scrawny little arse. I don't think I'd still be so damn self absorbed- not in a shallow way, just unable to get out of my head. I feel like I need to try harder because this isn't much of a life and I can't have much of a life if this illness isn't gone. You're truly inspiring, same as Toto and same as everyone else who fights that **** in their head.
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    AN is so hard. You feel so horrible, and people tell you that you will feel better if go through recovery, eat more healthily and gain some weight, but eating and gaining makes you feel worse.

    You need so much courage to go through recovery and so much strength...almost as much strength as it takes to survive on so little.

    Toto, I am so sorry that you're as ill as you are. You look at death's door and may not have much time to get into recovery if you have already had a 'pseudo' heart attack. If you want to live you are the only person who can make this happen.

    Custard, well done to you too in deciding to stick with treatment despite how horrible you feel.

    I can tell you both that it is worth it and 'ana' is a mean ***** who you've got to fight tooth and nail. I have a husband, son, dog, friends and a job that I love. I would have had none of those things had I not decided to turn things around. But it was my choice.
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    Al the support, everyone, thank you so much - I am touched, and bolstered xxx
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, I adore you. You take the most important aspects of a strong, determined speech and hammer them home to me. You've also given me the ability to fight on.

    Given both of our positions and our obvious ability to inspire one another in our recovery, we should form some kind of ED Justice League thing. XXX
    *likes* - I agree! *kicks ED and knocks back bedtime m!lk* XXX
    _________________

    Tough afternoon today. Had a session with my named nurse for the day. First he INSISTED on bringing up (no pun intended) my stomach issues. Basically, the sphincter muscle at the top of my stomach is practically non-existent, and my stomach is used to rejecting all food I put into it, until it's passed through to the small intestine. I have delayed gastric emptying so this can easily go on for 4 hours after my main meal at lunch . It basically tries to regurgitate everything I eat, and I have to swallow it down. It's EMBARRASSING as HELL and I HATE it, I HATE it, I can't help it and I deal with it as best I can, I DON'T need telling how unpleasant it is and how it'll be ruining my teeth and my oesophagus and give me bad breath. I KNOW. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FEEL WORSE. And THEN he started talking about my MP increase. He said I'd increased very quickly and it wasn't really that good as I'm on bedrest/wheelchair and so I'm just going to be gaining fat and no muscle. (bearing in mind, the last increase I was going to have to have on Monday anyway, I just asked to have it a few days sooner...) This REALLY REALLY BOTHERED ME. The stomach crap stuff made me feel like curling under a rock and rotting. And OBVIOUSLY I was a GREEDY FAT COW for having asked for the increase sooner to get it over with. Spent most of afternoon crying, after that.

    Still ate my tea.

    Chatted to a couple of other patients this eve on the balcony, the general consensus is that this member of staff is basically on a power trip - that was my initial impression of him when I came here, actually. I'm feeling a little better now.

    Roll on the weekend!
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Al the support, everyone, thank you so much - I am touched, and bolstered xxx


    *likes* - I agree! *kicks ED and knocks back bedtime m!lk* XXX
    _________________

    Tough afternoon today. Had a session with my named nurse for the day. First he INSISTED on bringing up (no pun intended) my stomach issues. Basically, the sphincter muscle at the top of my stomach is practically non-existent, and my stomach is used to rejecting all food I put into it, until it's passed through to the small intestine. I have delayed gastric emptying so this can easily go on for 4 hours after my main meal at lunch . It basically tries to regurgitate everything I eat, and I have to swallow it down. It's EMBARRASSING as HELL and I HATE it, I HATE it, I can't help it and I deal with it as best I can, I DON'T need telling how unpleasant it is and how it'll be ruining my teeth and my oesophagus and give me bad breath. I KNOW. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FEEL WORSE. And THEN he started talking about my MP increase. He said I'd increased very quickly and it wasn't really that good as I'm on bedrest/wheelchair and so I'm just going to be gaining fat and no muscle. (bearing in mind, the last increase I was going to have to have on Monday anyway, I just asked to have it a few days sooner...) This REALLY REALLY BOTHERED ME. The stomach crap stuff made me feel like curling under a rock and rotting. And OBVIOUSLY I was a GREEDY FAT COW for having asked for the increase sooner to get it over with. Spent most of afternoon crying, after that.

    Still ate my tea.

    Chatted to a couple of other patients this eve on the balcony, the general consensus is that this member of staff is basically on a power trip - that was my initial impression of him when I came here, actually. I'm feeling a little better now.

    Roll on the weekend!
    :hugs: What an absolute ****, I'm actually angry that anyone with such a vindictive nature and complete misunderstanding of your ED + related issues would be put in such a position of care! Well done for sticking to it though can you complain about him? Or at least ask not to have him as your NN again?

    Good luck for tomorrow
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Al the support, everyone, thank you so much - I am touched, and bolstered xxx


    *likes* - I agree! *kicks ED and knocks back bedtime m!lk* XXX
    _________________

    Tough afternoon today. Had a session with my named nurse for the day. First he INSISTED on bringing up (no pun intended) my stomach issues. Basically, the sphincter muscle at the top of my stomach is practically non-existent, and my stomach is used to rejecting all food I put into it, until it's passed through to the small intestine. I have delayed gastric emptying so this can easily go on for 4 hours after my main meal at lunch . It basically tries to regurgitate everything I eat, and I have to swallow it down. It's EMBARRASSING as HELL and I HATE it, I HATE it, I can't help it and I deal with it as best I can, I DON'T need telling how unpleasant it is and how it'll be ruining my teeth and my oesophagus and give me bad breath. I KNOW. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FEEL WORSE. And THEN he started talking about my MP increase. He said I'd increased very quickly and it wasn't really that good as I'm on bedrest/wheelchair and so I'm just going to be gaining fat and no muscle. (bearing in mind, the last increase I was going to have to have on Monday anyway, I just asked to have it a few days sooner...) This REALLY REALLY BOTHERED ME. The stomach crap stuff made me feel like curling under a rock and rotting. And OBVIOUSLY I was a GREEDY FAT COW for having asked for the increase sooner to get it over with. Spent most of afternoon crying, after that.

    Still ate my tea.

    Chatted to a couple of other patients this eve on the balcony, the general consensus is that this member of staff is basically on a power trip - that was my initial impression of him when I came here, actually. I'm feeling a little better now.

    Roll on the weekend!
    BiB: My dietician said the same thing to me. I was like *GEE THANKS*
    :hugs: It's really unfair you have to deal with that. Can you ask to change your nurse? It's not your fault and obviously you're not greedy and anything that **** in your head is telling you you are. :hugs:
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    Well done Custard, sweetheart. Your determination is absolutely epic. Even undergoing my nightmarish situation this monster of an ED fights off my attempts to get myself better. My stomach looks like a fat man's. That's what I see. In reality however, I am less than 15.5 BMI. When I asked a friend "don't you think my latest photo (green t-shirt one I posted on here) I look dead healthy?

    He responded with "Your mind must be a scary place dude."

    I mean, I personally think I've gone pot-belly plump, but my heart clearly contests that notion.

    Damned heart with its damned murmurs/attacks. The ED needs to be fed by my restriction, but my belly keeps getting softer and bigger.

    Yet the part of me that sees reason says "keep fighting mate. Some day you'll be free."
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    if youwant to see a real fat belly i'll be willing to show............................ ..........
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Well done Custard, sweetheart. Your determination is absolutely epic. Even undergoing my nightmarish situation this monster of an ED fights off my attempts to get myself better. My stomach looks like a fat man's. That's what I see. In reality however, I am less than 15.5 BMI. When I asked a friend "don't you think my latest photo (green t-shirt one I posted on here) I look dead healthy?

    He responded with "Your mind must be a scary place dude."

    I mean, I personally think I've gone pot-belly plump, but my heart clearly contests that notion.

    Damned heart with its damned murmurs/attacks. The ED needs to be fed by my restriction, but my belly keeps getting softer and bigger.

    Yet the part of me that sees reason says "keep fighting mate. Some day you'll be free."
    Toto: from a recovered perspective you are a twig. There's nothing to you, zero fat to be seen. But I can relate to thinking you're bigger than you are but you have to trust the opinions of those without eating disorders or body dysmorphia.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Well done Custard, sweetheart. Your determination is absolutely epic. Even undergoing my nightmarish situation this monster of an ED fights off my attempts to get myself better. My stomach looks like a fat man's. That's what I see. In reality however, I am less than 15.5 BMI. When I asked a friend "don't you think my latest photo (green t-shirt one I posted on here) I look dead healthy?

    He responded with "Your mind must be a scary place dude."

    I mean, I personally think I've gone pot-belly plump, but my heart clearly contests that notion.

    Damned heart with its damned murmurs/attacks. The ED needs to be fed by my restriction, but my belly keeps getting softer and bigger.

    Yet the part of me that sees reason says "keep fighting mate. Some day you'll be free."
    :hugs:
    Oh Toto, believe me you look far from plump or fat or anything of the sort.
    :sad: You definitely don't look healthy even though you've come such a long way. You do not need to restrict to give that evil piece of **** what it wants. You HAVE to keep fighting, because what's the alternative? :jumphug:
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    He said I'd increased very quickly and it wasn't really that good as I'm on bedrest/wheelchair and so I'm just going to be gaining fat and no muscle. (bearing in mind, the last increase I was going to have to have on Monday anyway, I just asked to have it a few days sooner...) This REALLY REALLY BOTHERED ME. The stomach crap stuff made me feel like curling under a rock and rotting. And OBVIOUSLY I was a GREEDY FAT COW for having asked for the increase sooner to get it over with. Spent most of afternoon crying, after that
    You are not a greedy fat cow. Stop calling yourself names. Everytime you do so just follow it up - 'But I know that's not true. I'm ill and I'll get better.' Neuroscience shows that even tiny, trivial things such this make a difference over time - it actually will change the way that your brain is wired.

    I'm really glad that you're able to see the problems with some of what you experience with your named nurse and that you're getting support.

    Finally, I'm really sorry that you're going through the stomach thing. It will improve with time I hope - just keep on keeping on!

    You're really brave.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Even undergoing my nightmarish situation this monster of an ED fights off my attempts to get myself better.
    ED is horrible, ibut its not a monster, just a bunch of lies and fear. But you are stronger than it. Its just going to be a long fight - but if you decide to you will win.
 
 
 
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