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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I would like to post my experience and thoughts but alas I am not welcome. :rolleyes:
    Why are you not welcome? :confused:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    morris, I am undergoing physical and psychological therapy; the idea that the ED consumes you and almost becomes a "barrier to the real world" is actually a fairly common one apparently.

    Cinamon, I don't know what you mean by being "not welcome", but I'm quite sure that's nonsense. Anyone's welcome to tell their own stories and experiences for feedback and insights.
    Definitely. It's like everything is filtered through a screen; through the ED screen, 'these doctors are telling me I'm damaging myself, maybe that's why I feel like crap all the time. I know they're only saying that because they want to help me' is translated into 'these people are stupid, I can't be damaging myself because I'm not *that* thin and I feel fine. These people don't know what they're talking about, they just want to make me fat, well I don't need them when I have this ED to look after me.' Sorry to be blunt but that's the truth of it - it blinds you from reality

    Hope you're doing a bit better Toto, keep truckin'
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    I tried to post twice last night but I kept losing my post.

    A BMI of 12 freaks me out more than I can describe. I was never scared of dying, I was scared of my brain 'breaking'. I got completely out of control at a BMI in the high 13s/low 14s so the thought of being that low is (sorry to be blunt) far too close to dying for comfort. I say this now though, I thought I could lose weight forever. Reading my old diary, I can tell I was simultaneously mad and lucid at the same time, like I could make jokes and observations in writing but when you spoke to me I couldn't hold a conversation.

    Toto hun, it sounds like your reaction to the scare is to retreat further into your ED. You can't, you really can't. Please get some extra help. I know therapy isn't very effective when you're not at a healthy-ish weight but you need *something*. I'm so scared for you. A acquaintance of mine died at a BMI of 17- after he'd just got out of hospital. I don't want anything to happen to you or anyone on here. Please please PLEASE keep fighting Toto. I know it's hard when you're struggling with missing 'before' but you have to keep making steps forward regardless. We're all here for you, with you, every step of the way. Just please don't give in, you're so much stronger than that. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I would like to post my experience and thoughts but alas I am not welcome. :rolleyes:
    Why are you not welcome?
    Of course you're welcome! :hugs:
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    You know what I've noticed?

    People on here have real identity issues. Not an eating disorder. An identity disorder.

    We are confining ourselves into the word 'anorexic'. We seem to be taking it as our mantle, our shield, our persona. Because we see it as an integral part of ourselves we seem to be trying to 'fit into the box,' i.e. Because we call ourselves anorexic we then feel compelled to tick the relevant boxes.

    People are forgetting themselves. They are forgetting what makes them 'them', what makes them unique and happy!

    My name is Thomas.
    +I like art, science, nutrition (pre-e.d. thing anyway), photography, drawing, painting, friends, family, magic (yes I still do believe a little, no different from religion with other people in that respect), anime, pokemon, yugioh! I like rock music, I like travelling and trying new things and meeting new people! I ENJOY NEW FOODS EVEN!
    +Yes, I dropped out of Uni (pharmacy) but I plan to jump back in as soon as I find a course I will be good at!
    +I'm resistant, I only dropped my last course after making sure that I was passing and that I left on my terms!
    +I've been to London, Paris, Italy, Iceland, Spain, Portugal. I've been to the Britz. I've Skydived. I've paraglided. I've white water rafted. I can ski, sail a boat, cook, read, write.
    +Looking for a job!
    +Yes, I have anorexia or what defines anorexia but I am sick and tired of being DEFINED BY FUDGING ANOREXIA!





    Toto, Custard, Diamond, you lot seem the most affected by this issue. Find out little things about yourselves and excel in being yourselves! SAME TO EVERYBODY!

    I know I am not fully recovered but I know that this is one step in recovery that EVERYBODY has to make.
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    Last night as well as some restaurant food I had 3 small eggs and a quarter tin of beans. Much needed protein
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    Thomas what a great idea, it is far to easy to become nothing more than a person with an ED, you have achieved so much and I am sure there is much much more ahead of you!

    NSCF, that is great work, well done! your brain must be thanking you.
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    Hoping everyone is awesome today and kicking butt!
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    You know what I've noticed?

    People on here have real identity issues. Not an eating disorder. An identity disorder.

    We are confining ourselves into the word 'anorexic'. We seem to be taking it as our mantle, our shield, our persona. Because we see it as an integral part of ourselves we seem to be trying to 'fit into the box,' i.e. Because we call ourselves anorexic we then feel compelled to tick the relevant boxes.

    People are forgetting themselves. They are forgetting what makes them 'them', what makes them unique and happy!

    My name is Thomas.
    +I like art, science, nutrition (pre-e.d. thing anyway), photography, drawing, painting, friends, family, magic (yes I still do believe a little, no different from religion with other people in that respect), anime, pokemon, yugioh! I like rock music, I like travelling and trying new things and meeting new people! I ENJOY NEW FOODS EVEN!
    +Yes, I dropped out of Uni (pharmacy) but I plan to jump back in as soon as I find a course I will be good at!
    +I'm resistant, I only dropped my last course after making sure that I was passing and that I left on my terms!
    +I've been to London, Paris, Italy, Iceland, Spain, Portugal. I've been to the Britz. I've Skydived. I've paraglided. I've white water rafted. I can ski, sail a boat, cook, read, write.
    +Looking for a job!
    +Yes, I have anorexia or what defines anorexia but I am sick and tired of being DEFINED BY FUDGING ANOREXIA!
    This is so true, and I think a lot of people forget it. Anorexia doesn’t define you; it doesn’t depict who you are and having anorexia doesn’t mean that you have to be ruled by it - you were, but now you’re fighting.

    The term ‘anorexic’ is a label - and one, I fear, far too easily and facetiously thrown about these days - but what you've just said is so right. You are you. You are nothing more and nothing less: you mess up, you do things you regret, you make mistakes. But then you recover. You get back up. You start living again.

    You have anorexia - it doesn’t have you.

    :hugs: To everyone.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I feel a bit silly and out of place here since I don’t struggle with an ED myself… sometimes it is really awful being an outsider and not being able to fully relate to - comprehend, even - the horrors you’ve been through and are struggling with. I feel like I have to keep ‘checking up’ on everyone like this (this all sounds awfully creepy :blush: just ignore me) but you all seem so so lovely and I want you all to recover so much . Please keep up the amazing work and remember that you are better than these EDs and that they are NOT what makes you YOU. :jumphug:
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    Antaris I disagree, anorexia is NOT my identity. I post on here ABOUT my anorexia. But I don't spend my life posting on here.

    I am custard. I am 22. I have few hobbies anymore because of lack of money, lack of friends, lack of transport. I am clever and I have a good brain, I enjoy learning. I am fascinated by medicines and how they work. I am going to uni in Oct and I CANNOT WAIT, not least because it will give me the opportunity to develop interests and hobbies and form healthy friendships. I have a very dry sense of humour, I am very sarcastic, I treat other people harshly and myself even more so. I like things that make me smile, I like making OTHER people smile. I like a fight, I like a challenge, I like something to get my teeth into and if it stimulates my brain, even better.
    ___________________

    I am feeling SO ANGRY AND RESENTFUL. Tonight's tea was ham salad with a croissant, and fruit salad with icecream. I cried and cried. Why? BECAUSE IT'S F**CKING AGONY, THAT'S WHY. Salad, and fruit, gives me SUCH bad reflux - and they give you so MUCH salad! It makes me SO angry, because it's all of what, 25-30 calories, but it HURTS and HURTS LIKE HELL. And the fruit on TOP of that... I'll be up at 11.30 sitting bolt-upright trying to go to sleep, and I will have to refuse some of my nighttime meds because they will simply hurt too much and I will end up vomiting.

    We had a proper post-meal support session and I vented a bit there. The other patients were so lovely, and they said, and the nurses, that I should speak to the ward manager and to the dietician and they should be able to work round it, subsititute cooked veg for salads and maybe just give me bananas instead of fruit salad or something, because it's a physical problem and not an ED problem. Was good to get the support .

    I was up 1.2kg in 4 days. I was expecting it and I didn't freak. Felt like c**p, yes. Freak, no. I know some of it is water as I've been passing less than normal. It should slow down - I really hope it does . But at the end of the day it's got to go on at some point anyway. And I can only get out the chair when I'm BMI 15.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I hate the fact I'm not oblivious to the fact the ED is killing me. I know this ED caused me to have a heart attack at 26. I know I am less than 16 BMI. I know I am grossly unhealthy, But despite this, I continue on, doing what I'm doing, almost outwith my own control. How bizarre, but it's happening...
    No, Toto. You have a choice. And all choices have consequences. You are NOT a powerless bystander, a helpless spectator. Remember that.

    PANIC is your enemy. FOOD and WEIGHT are NOT.
    • Thread Starter
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    I want to rep Antiaris, Custard and Diamond SO MUCH right now.

    The truth is, with all mental disorders, the complexities of every individual means that labels are actually moot - mere approximations of what one person is experiencing. For me it's "anorexia nervosa with obsessive compulsive disorder exacerbated by multiple anxiety disorder" which, let's face it, isn't even practical to ABBREVIATE. When something can't be categorised or pigeonholed, it clearly CAN'T be, and therefore shouldn't be labelled at all.

    In reality these disorders are as complex as the individual beings that we are in that they are created by ourselves. In some ways they are not "disorders" at all, or defects, in any way, but merely elements of our own personal beings which just so happen to be self-abusive. Clearly self-abusive behaviour goes against our naturalistic behaviour (ie survival) and so only with this taken into context should it be regarded as a "true" disorder.

    What I'm getting at is that no two people are the same, no two disorders are the same, and our personalities, our mentalities, our thoughts and feelings and the disorders are intrinsically linked, and to combat our individual disorders we cannot expect a "stock cure". We need to delve deep into our own psyches to understand our own cures.

    You guys are clearly all incredibly intelligent so I'm sure I'm just preaching to the knowledgeable - you all already KNOW all of this, but sometimes, you just need to voice it. X
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    You know what I've noticed?

    People on here have real identity issues. Not an eating disorder. An identity disorder.

    We are confining ourselves into the word 'anorexic'. We seem to be taking it as our mantle, our shield, our persona. Because we see it as an integral part of ourselves we seem to be trying to 'fit into the box,' i.e. Because we call ourselves anorexic we then feel compelled to tick the relevant boxes.

    People are forgetting themselves. They are forgetting what makes them 'them', what makes them unique and happy!

    My name is Thomas.
    +I like art, science, nutrition (pre-e.d. thing anyway), photography, drawing, painting, friends, family, magic (yes I still do believe a little, no different from religion with other people in that respect), anime, pokemon, yugioh! I like rock music, I like travelling and trying new things and meeting new people! I ENJOY NEW FOODS EVEN!
    +Yes, I dropped out of Uni (pharmacy) but I plan to jump back in as soon as I find a course I will be good at!
    +I'm resistant, I only dropped my last course after making sure that I was passing and that I left on my terms!
    +I've been to London, Paris, Italy, Iceland, Spain, Portugal. I've been to the Britz. I've Skydived. I've paraglided. I've white water rafted. I can ski, sail a boat, cook, read, write.
    +Looking for a job!
    +Yes, I have anorexia or what defines anorexia but I am sick and tired of being DEFINED BY FUDGING ANOREXIA!





    Toto, Custard, Diamond, you lot seem the most affected by this issue. Find out little things about yourselves and excel in being yourselves! SAME TO EVERYBODY!

    I know I am not fully recovered but I know that this is one step in recovery that EVERYBODY has to make.
    I really don't think of my anorexia as an identity tbh. It's not who I am. It's bloody BURIED who I am. I use this as a support thread but I also go on looooads of other threads.
    I'm DD and I'm ridiculously obsessed with musicals but for some reason have only ever been in one. I love Glee- again, to a ridiculous extent despite its numerous flaws and you can often find me in the Glee soc drooling over Darren Criss and arguing over the best singer/actor in the cast. I don't really do much, it's true, but there are a lot of things I want to do and there is no way I'm going to be stopped. I love writing and reading. Once upon a time I used to read a book a day and write every single day. I wrote a fairly **** novel when I was 10 and lost it because I wrote it by hand instead of one the computer. I'm almost pathologically accident prone and I like randomly singing in the middle of conversations and relating everyday sayings to songs. It's my dream to be in a Stephen Sondheim musical but to do that, I'd have to be classically trained and I can't afford singing lessons. Also, I don't actually know if I can act... or sing!
    I can never stick to a decision. I'm currently debating whether I want to do English Lit and Creative Writing or do something else like Law or Psychology or even Philosophy (despite my ranting about RS for the whole year!) but I can't imagine *not* doing English. I guess I just want to learn everything I can! I love Rome. I've been twice and I want to go again. I want to live there and be fluent in Italian because it's beautiful. I love baking. I used to want to be a doctor until I realised I hated sciences at AS level *cough* and failed them *cough*. I love animals but I've never really had pets. I used to have a cat but my mum gave him away. I've seen Funny Face more times than I can count. I love buying stationery. I love smiling at people and being smiled at in return. I love laughing at the random names in Psychology studies. I like giving advice to my friends. I like challenges but I hate failing so I rarely challenge myself. I'm changing that every single day.

    Oh and I find it impossible to be concise.

    There. That's me! Well part of me. A good sight more of me than this frigging illlness that's for sure!

    :hugs: to Custard and Toto.
    • #31
    #31

    Hi,
    I just came across this forum and i thought id ask for help. Ive just turned 18, and im losing control. I have not been officialy diagnosed with anorexia, but i have all the early symptoms. I am due to start university in September and most of my friends have all left in the past month to go traveling. I have a terrible home life and cant wait to move out. I weigh myself 3 times a day and only eat less than 500 calories a day. This has been going on for about a month and i have lost a lot of weight. No one suspects anything yet as i wear baggy clothes and keep my strict diet and excercise a secret. However, last weekend i was competing in a cheerleading competition and after, me and all my team mates went back to the hotel for celebration drinks. Basically i drank too much (and drank on an empty stomach) so ended us extremly drunk. My assistant coach ended up in the bathroom with me while i tryed to sober up. I cant remember exactly how we ended up talking about it but i remember her saying that she hadnt seen me eat a thing all day and she asked me if i make myself sick. I told the truth and said yes. Now, my assistant coach is only a year older than me and im terrified that she has told my coach. I suspect she has because my coach was looking at me really weirdly the next day and even offered me a bit of a donut (only offered it to me, no one else). I really dont want people to find out or worry. This is the only thing i have control over and i dont want people to see me any different than they did before. Im no where near recovery as to be truthfull, im loving the results so far. I know eventually i will need to stop but at the moment, that terrifies me. Im so paranoid by this that even as i write this, im terrified that someone will know it is me.

    I need help in not making people worry. How can i convince them i am ok without losing my control on eating? I want to say to my assistant coach that it was all drunk talk but so far im playing the "i cant even remember what i said" so that it would not be awkward between us. How do i make this better? I know there is no magic pill that will make it fine but im in a really bad place right now and need some help seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,
    I just came across this forum and i thought id ask for help. Ive just turned 18, and im losing control. I have not been officialy diagnosed with anorexia, but i have all the early symptoms. I am due to start university in September and most of my friends have all left in the past month to go traveling. I have a terrible home life and cant wait to move out. I weigh myself 3 times a day and only eat less than 500 calories a day. This has been going on for about a month and i have lost a lot of weight. No one suspects anything yet as i wear baggy clothes and keep my strict diet and excercise a secret. However, last weekend i was competing in a cheerleading competition and after, me and all my team mates went back to the hotel for celebration drinks. Basically i drank too much (and drank on an empty stomach) so ended us extremly drunk. My assistant coach ended up in the bathroom with me while i tryed to sober up. I cant remember exactly how we ended up talking about it but i remember her saying that she hadnt seen me eat a thing all day and she asked me if i make myself sick. I told the truth and said yes. Now, my assistant coach is only a year older than me and im terrified that she has told my coach. I suspect she has because my coach was looking at me really weirdly the next day and even offered me a bit of a donut (only offered it to me, no one else). I really dont want people to find out or worry. This is the only thing i have control over and i dont want people to see me any different than they did before. Im no where near recovery as to be truthfull, im loving the results so far. I know eventually i will need to stop but at the moment, that terrifies me. Im so paranoid by this that even as i write this, im terrified that someone will know it is me.

    I need help in not making people worry. How can i convince them i am ok without losing my control on eating? I want to say to my assistant coach that it was all drunk talk but so far im playing the "i cant even remember what i said" so that it would not be awkward between us. How do i make this better? I know there is no magic pill that will make it fine but im in a really bad place right now and need some help seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks
    Do you mean you're asking for help on how to lie to people and pretend you're fine? Because if you are, that's not any sort of advice I can give, I'm sorry. It will just make you more ill. You can't not eat and not make people worry unfortunately, the two go hand in hand. The only way to stop people from worrying is to reassure them that you're actually trying to get better and mean it. You're lucky that you're recognising the symptoms for what they are and you're in a position where you're (seemingly) lucid enough to do something about it. I'd urge you to get some help, be it medical or psychological because you really don't want to wait until you *have* to stop. This might sound a bit unthinkable but maybe you should confide in your coach? Because it's better to tell someone than it is to keep it a secret where things can only get worse. I know you probably want to hold on to it and I'm really sorry you're going through this, but if you want to make it better or at least have a chance of things being better, you have to increase what you're eating (easier said than done, I know) and talk to someone and get some proper support around you. :hugs:
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    anonymous you are a cheerleader which makes me think you're pretty fit as it is and healthy before. there is no need for the extreme weight loss you're committing yourself to. people worry cos they care.

    brb
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,
    I just came across this forum and i thought id ask for help. Ive just turned 18, and im losing control. I have not been officialy diagnosed with anorexia, but i have all the early symptoms. I am due to start university in September and most of my friends have all left in the past month to go traveling. I have a terrible home life and cant wait to move out. I weigh myself 3 times a day and only eat less than 500 calories a day. This has been going on for about a month and i have lost a lot of weight. No one suspects anything yet as i wear baggy clothes and keep my strict diet and excercise a secret. However, last weekend i was competing in a cheerleading competition and after, me and all my team mates went back to the hotel for celebration drinks. Basically i drank too much (and drank on an empty stomach) so ended us extremly drunk. My assistant coach ended up in the bathroom with me while i tryed to sober up. I cant remember exactly how we ended up talking about it but i remember her saying that she hadnt seen me eat a thing all day and she asked me if i make myself sick. I told the truth and said yes. Now, my assistant coach is only a year older than me and im terrified that she has told my coach. I suspect she has because my coach was looking at me really weirdly the next day and even offered me a bit of a donut (only offered it to me, no one else). I really dont want people to find out or worry. This is the only thing i have control over and i dont want people to see me any different than they did before. Im no where near recovery as to be truthfull, im loving the results so far. I know eventually i will need to stop but at the moment, that terrifies me. Im so paranoid by this that even as i write this, im terrified that someone will know it is me.

    I need help in not making people worry. How can i convince them i am ok without losing my control on eating? I want to say to my assistant coach that it was all drunk talk but so far im playing the "i cant even remember what i said" so that it would not be awkward between us. How do i make this better? I know there is no magic pill that will make it fine but im in a really bad place right now and need some help seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks
    I think you must know that no-one in this thread is going to give you advice on how to hide this from others.

    Can you think of any particular events that could have started the sprial into eating disorder? Because that could be key to helping you stop it before it takes too much of a hold.

    As mentioned, it might be a good idea to speak to someone impartial like a coach, rather than a family member etc.

    This might sound a bit simplistic, but could you try to alter your control over food and your weight into trying to remain at the same weight? This way you can feel in control and be healthy and safe at the same time.

    The most important thing is to tell someone, because you will never be able to truly tackle this alone, Whether its a friend, teacher/coach, parent or counsellor, you will need help.

    Good Luck, you can get through this.
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    yeah that was my idea once to ToTo too. find a healthy weight and stick to it, please! people. don't kill yourselves.

    sigh i;m awake at this time.
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    yeah that was my idea once to ToTo too. find a healthy weight and stick to it, please! people. don't kill yourselves.

    sigh i;m awake at this time.
    Been up since 4. :sigh: Bloomin' Psychology revision. Might just give up on revision now...
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    Hello !

    I've not yet slept. Woke up 6pm yesterday, slept at 10 am , seems an ongoing cycle. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm!


    What exam do you have? A level? I did Psych AQA
 
 
 
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