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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    Hello !

    I've not yet slept. Woke up 6pm yesterday, slept at 10 am , seems an ongoing cycle. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm!


    What exam do you have? A level? I did Psych AQA
    Yup, I have my last A level exam today. I have Psych AQA A this morning and then I'm finally FINALLY free! I plan on having the longest sleep ever before I have to get up and get my hair done.

    Oh hun, not sleeping is awful! You should try and go to bed super early today just so your body knows it needs to rest...
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    thanks for the concern

    i love my sleep normally but this summer heat is getting to me a bit that said it did rain yesterday yay


    get your hair done for what?:p:

    good luck with the exam all the best you will nail it xxxxxxxxxx
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    Hey everyone,

    I'm really sorry to barge in on this thread, but I just wanted to let off some steam about what's been going on for me recently and see if anyone else feels the same way or has any advice.

    I was reading through some of the replies, and I felt a strange sense of relief to find that I wasn't alone in the whole 'eating for exams' dilemma. I've just sat my AS levels and I finished very early, a month ago now, and during the revision period my eating improved significantly as I needed the energy to concentrate. I was also at home on study leave, which helped because if I don't eat when I'm at school. When my exams ended, I became extremely depressed and eating became an awful lot harder, while exercise once again became a problem. During my exams I didn't weigh myself, knowing that if I did my weight would dictate my mood and therefore my ability to revise. After my exams, I did weigh myself, and discovered that I had gained (I'd rather not say how much, sorry )

    My immediate reaction has been, 'I need to lose weight', because when I'm not revising it's almost as if I don't have an "excuse" to maintain. My mum has a really hard time understanding why I can eat more under certain circumstances, but struggle at other times; she says, "If you can eat during your exams, why can't you eat now?" It's really difficult and frustrating trying to explain it to her :/

    I've been ill for four years now, and spent a lot of time in different hospitals. Now that I'm home I think a lot of people assume I'm better, but I'm really not, and there's such a lot of pressure to perform academically. I know I have a lot of reasons to get better - uni (I want to apply to Cambridge), the rest of my exams, the rest of my life... But I can't shake the feeling that I need to lose weight now, because I'm not doing any work, and to maintain would be 'lazy, wasteful, pointless' as my ED says

    Sorry if any of this was triggering for anyone, and sorry for my big moaning session, I hope you all get better as you all seem like such lovely people xxx
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    What you seem to have an issue with is that you feel that you aren't using your energy efficiently. You may have gained, but it was in doing something and now that you aren't 'doing something' you feel like the energy gained is just 'wasteful'.

    Write a list of things you wat to do in a day, no matter how small, i.e. go to town, meet friends, go to toilet (even that sorta thing if you are stuck!). Every time you achieve you will have achieved with the energy gained in your food.
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    (Original post by elljay)
    Hey everyone,

    I'm really sorry to barge in on this thread, but I just wanted to let off some steam about what's been going on for me recently and see if anyone else feels the same way or has any advice.

    I was reading through some of the replies, and I felt a strange sense of relief to find that I wasn't alone in the whole 'eating for exams' dilemma. I've just sat my AS levels and I finished very early, a month ago now, and during the revision period my eating improved significantly as I needed the energy to concentrate. I was also at home on study leave, which helped because if I don't eat when I'm at school. When my exams ended, I became extremely depressed and eating became an awful lot harder, while exercise once again became a problem. During my exams I didn't weigh myself, knowing that if I did my weight would dictate my mood and therefore my ability to revise. After my exams, I did weigh myself, and discovered that I had gained (I'd rather not say how much, sorry )

    My immediate reaction has been, 'I need to lose weight', because when I'm not revising it's almost as if I don't have an "excuse" to maintain. My mum has a really hard time understanding why I can eat more under certain circumstances, but struggle at other times; she says, "If you can eat during your exams, why can't you eat now?" It's really difficult and frustrating trying to explain it to her :/

    I've been ill for four years now, and spent a lot of time in different hospitals. Now that I'm home I think a lot of people assume I'm better, but I'm really not, and there's such a lot of pressure to perform academically. I know I have a lot of reasons to get better - uni (I want to apply to Cambridge), the rest of my exams, the rest of my life... But I can't shake the feeling that I need to lose weight now, because I'm not doing any work, and to maintain would be 'lazy, wasteful, pointless' as my ED says

    Sorry if any of this was triggering for anyone, and sorry for my big moaning session, I hope you all get better as you all seem like such lovely people xxx
    I won't claim to understand your exact position, but I have had similar (but different) experiences. Keeping busy (as posted above) with hobbies etc is a good idea. Set yourself goals which aren' to do with your weight or eating and feel good about achieving them.

    It might be a good idea to seek out counselling of some sort. If you are worried people think you are 'better', make sure they know that you don't feel that way. You can't overcome this without support from people you love (and love you). Try asking your GP to refer you for counselling so you can talk through your issues in person (not that talking on here is unhelpful, just not as helpful as the real thing i think).

    Good Luck
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    thanks for the concern

    i love my sleep normally but this summer heat is getting to me a bit that said it did rain yesterday yay


    get your hair done for what?:p:

    good luck with the exam all the best you will nail it xxxxxxxxxx
    It just needs to be retwisted because it's a total mess. I flopped. Disgustingly. There was a 12 mark stats question I answered completely wrong.

    (Original post by elljay)
    Hey everyone,

    I'm really sorry to barge in on this thread, but I just wanted to let off some steam about what's been going on for me recently and see if anyone else feels the same way or has any advice.

    I was reading through some of the replies, and I felt a strange sense of relief to find that I wasn't alone in the whole 'eating for exams' dilemma. I've just sat my AS levels and I finished very early, a month ago now, and during the revision period my eating improved significantly as I needed the energy to concentrate. I was also at home on study leave, which helped because if I don't eat when I'm at school. When my exams ended, I became extremely depressed and eating became an awful lot harder, while exercise once again became a problem. During my exams I didn't weigh myself, knowing that if I did my weight would dictate my mood and therefore my ability to revise. After my exams, I did weigh myself, and discovered that I had gained (I'd rather not say how much, sorry )

    My immediate reaction has been, 'I need to lose weight', because when I'm not revising it's almost as if I don't have an "excuse" to maintain. My mum has a really hard time understanding why I can eat more under certain circumstances, but struggle at other times; she says, "If you can eat during your exams, why can't you eat now?" It's really difficult and frustrating trying to explain it to her :/

    I've been ill for four years now, and spent a lot of time in different hospitals. Now that I'm home I think a lot of people assume I'm better, but I'm really not, and there's such a lot of pressure to perform academically. I know I have a lot of reasons to get better - uni (I want to apply to Cambridge), the rest of my exams, the rest of my life... But I can't shake the feeling that I need to lose weight now, because I'm not doing any work, and to maintain would be 'lazy, wasteful, pointless' as my ED says

    Sorry if any of this was triggering for anyone, and sorry for my big moaning session, I hope you all get better as you all seem like such lovely people xxx
    Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain.
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    My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
    :hugs: You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.
    Are you getting any help?
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    It just needs to be retwisted because it's a total mess. I flopped. Disgustingly. There was a 12 mark stats question I answered completely wrong.



    Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain. My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
    :hugs: You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.
    Are you getting any help?
    Im going to butt in on this conversation because it feels relevant to me. Feel free to ignore me if it's not

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    I am emetophobic (fear of vomiting), which has really affected my eating, in the past and present. i am paranoid about eating too much, or eating foods which aren't cooked or are past the use-by-date etc. I will only allow myself certain amounts of 'sweet' foods in a day - eg 4 blocks of chocolate.

    Although this isn't technically a 'named' eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, I think it would probably be classed as one. It seriously affects my eating, and I have lost large amounts of weight as a result.

    I had been looking forward to finishing exams for the summer (finishing year 11 this year), because school had been a massive problem for me, and my attendance suffered. However, now I've actually finished for good, I feel a bit disillusioned, because I now feel completely pointless and without purpose. Having nothing to do means my anxiety gets worse, and I've been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to get a job, which makes my self esteem worse.

    All I can hope is that when i finally start at college, I will meet some new people and have a generally better time, but I'm not going to naively believe everything will turn out fine instantly.


    My issues around food are slightly different to yours, so I don't really fully understand your feelings enough to be very helpful. All I can say is, hang in there and good luck.

    Sorry for hijacking the conversation
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    I had my last exam today, strangely enough I thought my motivation to eat would be a lot less now as I don't have the exams as a reason to need more energy, but it's not really had an effect as of yet. That being said I'm feeling really positive for once, so we'll see how long this lasts.

    I got a letter through from my dietitian yesterday saying I have to go to an appointment on Thursday (I had planned to go to the cinema :erm:) and my therapist told me I have to start gaining weight otherwise we can't work in therapy. I have to be honest, I felt really bad when he said that, like I was wasting his time by turning up to appointments, having not gained, and not being able to progress further in treatment. I'm well aware that feeling selfish isn't a good motivator to gain weight, but it certainly tackles the guilt the ED gives me when I eat. You win some, you lose some I guess. That was a fairly emotional session anyway, and it pretty much ended with him saying that maybe the reason I have these issues is because I put others first to such an extreme that I neglect my own needs and feel guilty when I do something for myself. But we can't explore it until I'm healthier. :/ Hmm, it's an odd day.

    Hope everyone else is doing well!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
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    My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
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    :console: Are you sure there is no way you could have got your grades? The final A2 exam is just a part of your A level and may not have dragged the grade down Either way, I am certain i'm not getting into UEA either - I needed a high B in my chemistry exam to get a low B overall and there is no way I got that. It's made the guilt worse and i'm gaining weight because I don't want to lack energy for my other exams. Sucks as I have a constant need to loose weight (don't want to go into it too much because you guys are in recovery and i'm nowhere near).. but at least i'm not starving any more. Really good idea to get a voulenteer job over the summer to take your mind off things. I really hope things work out for you though :hugs:
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    Hi DD,
    You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    It just needs to be retwisted because it's a total mess. I flopped. Disgustingly. There was a 12 mark stats question I answered completely wrong.



    Wow, it's like you jumped into my brain.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    My exams finished an hour ago and it doesn't help that it went **** and I have no chance of getting into my firm now and I'm majorly having ok, you can't do this anymore, you have no reason to eat now thoughts. It sort of feels like my ED was waiting for this, as silly as it sounds. I don't intend on letting it win but I'm really struggling with urges to punish myself after the exam. I feel like such an idiot. And then just before the exam my friend said something about my medium school hoody fitting me and her saying the small was too big for her and my brain was just like 'See? You're a complete ****' and then I failed and now I'm despairing. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a *bit* of an overreaction when I haven't got my results yet but now I honestly couldn't care less about anything. UEA was basically my driving force since I was in hospital and now I'm not going to get in, I really don't care anymore. I keep saying 'DD, you're overreacting, just think rationally for a second.' I just cried down the phone to my mum. I just can't deal with failure, not again. I'm sick of always failing, I wanted something to go right just once, you know? I didn't try to eat more so I could fail. I was planning on finding a summer job/volunteering to keep myself busy, could you do that? Or just make sure you have something productive to do each day so you don't feel like you're doing nothing? What about a fun summer project? I'm sorry for going on about me, I could really identify with your post- especially now when all I have in my head are horrible words.
    :hugs: You (and I) still need to maintain. Maintenance doesn't go out of the window just because we don't feel like we have justification for it.
    Are you getting any help?

    Wow, it really is! This is exactly my thought process. Although I haven't felt really bad about any paticular exam, last year I thought I'd not done as well as I'd have liked in some and during summer I used food as a way of 'punishing' and 'perfecting' myself.

    I am having therapy every couple of weeks, but no other medical support. Kind of my fault really, as I discharged myself from my old outpatient team after refusing to go to appointments etc. They were awful though :/

    One thing that's helped me recently is to think of all the people that I really admire, who are healthy and eat normally. It sounds weird, but it helps me to push forward so I can achieve what they have achieved.
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    Just a quick note about exams: I took history in a year and, as I wanted to study ancient history, the pressure was really on to get at least a B to meet my offers. I went into the first history exam having one of the worst panic attacks of my life and left in floods of tears - I just knew I'd failed. On results day, I'd managed to get not just a B, not just an A but 100%! You honestly can't tell until results so relax and try to forget about it.

    And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.

    Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
    She's rigt. The exam is over, you can't go back and change whats been done, so theres no point nearly killing yourself over it.
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
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    :console: Are you sure there is no way you could have got your grades? The final A2 exam is just a part of your A level and may not have dragged the grade down Either way, I am certain i'm not getting into UEA either - I needed a high B in my chemistry exam to get a low B overall and there is no way I got that. It's made the guilt worse and i'm gaining weight because I don't want to lack energy for my other exams. Sucks as I have a constant need to loose weight (don't want to go into it too much because you guys are in recovery and i'm nowhere near).. but at least i'm not starving any more. Really good idea to get a voulenteer job over the summer to take your mind off things. I really hope things work out for you though :hugs:
    :hugs:

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    I don't know... I calculated the UMS I needed for an A overall and I needed 75 UMS marks which is about a C isn't it? I really don't think I got that. I have the constant urge to lose weight, I just... don't. Mostly because my body can't do it. I've had enough of being miserable though. I cried for a good few hours and now I'm done wallowing. You know what? It's just an exam. It can always be retaken. If I **** up my life by letting it make me get worse, I can't retake that. I hope things go well for you too, I'm sure you'll be ok in the end. Please try and keep yourself as well as you can hun.

    (Original post by Arcane Barn Elk)
    Hi DD,
    You know that your ED is lying to you. You have to remind yourself that those things are not true. What is true is that you have a future ahead of you. Volunteering sounds a really good idea, there are so many charities that need volunteers. Pick something that you are interested in and go for it. And knowing what I do about the way that you've been revising I seriously doubt that you've failed your exam!
    Thank you. :hugs: I think I'm going to have a look around for something I'm really excited about. Everyone's being so lovely and reassuring and part of me feels like I'm making a big deal out of nothing while the other part is screaming 'You only got about 2 marks, you idiot!' It's not *generally* my reaction after exams, the last time I calculated marks was Chemistry AS when I ended up with a E and I got a D in research methods last year so I don't think the prospects are good but... I can't really do anything now, can I? I've tried my best so so what if it doesn't quite work out. Everything happens for a reason, apparently.
    (Original post by elljay)
    Wow, it really is! This is exactly my thought process. Although I haven't felt really bad about any paticular exam, last year I thought I'd not done as well as I'd have liked in some and during summer I used food as a way of 'punishing' and 'perfecting' myself.

    I am having therapy every couple of weeks, but no other medical support. Kind of my fault really, as I discharged myself from my old outpatient team after refusing to go to appointments etc. They were awful though :/

    One thing that's helped me recently is to think of all the people that I really admire, who are healthy and eat normally. It sounds weird, but it helps me to push forward so I can achieve what they have achieved.
    That doesn't sound weird at all. Healthy rolemodels are so important.

    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Just a quick note about exams: I took history in a year and, as I wanted to study ancient history, the pressure was really on to get at least a B to meet my offers. I went into the first history exam having one of the worst panic attacks of my life and left in floods of tears - I just knew I'd failed. On results day, I'd managed to get not just a B, not just an A but 100%! You honestly can't tell until results so relax and try to forget about it.

    And even should the worse happen, it gives you another year to work on beating your ED and getting healthier. Even if I hadn't met my offer, I know that another year would not have been the end of the world - I probably could have used that time to work on my depression.

    Now, forget it and relax! Do things you enjoy and try not to think about exams x
    That's amazing! And that's a really good point about the year out. I keep saying that I probably *need* a gap year in theory but the thought of it being a possibility is scary. I did really want one before and if it does happen, it doesn't need to be a negative thing at all. Duh. :rolleyes:
    But yep! My exams are over and no matter what happens, I still did it and I got through it and I should be proud. Now for what to do during summer...
    I need to write a decent CV and see if I can find a job I can actually go to/find a volunteering placement and carry on with my knitting () and do a million other things I haven't thought of yet but I think my first priority should be food and sleep.

    Thanks guys. :hugs: It's amazing how the most irrational moments seem so huge in the moment and then seem so silly. I've had my 'WAAAAAAAAH, my life is OVEEEEEEEEEEEEER!' moment and now it's time to dance around the room to Glee songs!
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    Ate mum's curry with chapttis gonna miss them at uni because theyre the only thing i eat and not feel bad
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    I also want to pitch in with how strong you all are, despite not knowing or believing it.

    It's one thing to have an irrational set of thoughts and habits; it's totally another to be AWARE of those thoughts and habits and follow them anyway. Like the old saying goes, "who is the more foolish; the fool, or the smart man who follows him?" - the former might do stupid things, but is oblivious to his actions. But the latter is fully aware but continues to follow along anyway. Who is the more irrational? The more troubled?


    I trigger myself into a fit of panic with my obsession over numbers. Despite the numbers equalling that of irrationality even now, I checked back on my on old posts to see how often I'd posted my height, weight and dimensions in accurate numbers. It as shocking how frequently I'd done so. But in turn, I took into account that I've gained about 5lb since the beginning of recovery (maybe 3 months ago) and the fact that number was lower than today's number, I started freaking out again.

    Then I looked at the person I was before the ED began. Not since high school have I been overweight; but for many years I was so carefree. So frivolous. "I fancy a pasty." I ate a pasty. "Let's go for an Indian". We went out for an Indian meal. So completely free. And it never hurt me - I was happy, enjoyed life completely and utterly without a second thought for how food - the life fuel that keeps our bodies working - would cause me any detrimental effects. Truth is, food does NOT have detrimental effects. It's the oil that keeps our engines running.

    In some ways I was the former man, that "fool" - but without the element of foolishness. Only today, with a clouded mind, with an ED, do I regard that kind of behaviour as foolish, or oblivious, or close-minded, when in reality, the me from those days - he was the NORMAL man.

    We all have to realise that the previous us - the ones before the EDs - those were not the foolish, oblivious ones at all. But now, under the spell of the ED, we are the "fool who follows". The ones that know what we're doing but do it anyway; a puppet that actually has the CHOICE to defy his puppet master, but doesn't.

    And in this respect, my ED is both the most powerless and powerful thing in the world.
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    What an inspiring story, i hope you get through this and live a lovely fulfilling life (as cheesy as that sounds)
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    Toto - was it Albert Einstein who said something about insanity being repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

    I've had a really really good day. Spoke to the dietician about my stomach probs and severe heartburn/reflux that causes PAIN after most fruits and after salad. RESULT - now I'm having cooked veg instead of salad, pieces of fruit replaced with small banana/tinned drained peach/pear/apricot (which don't hurt as much) and the fruit salad desserts swapped with another.

    I felt good about eating today. . I felt empowered and like I was taking control - me, not my ED.
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    To me that sounds like a huge power shift that should be applauded to the heavens, this is you actively beating the ED into submission one meal at a time, do you think the better nutrition is helping you to take a more balance view?

    :party::party:
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    Is it actually possible to recover from an eating disorder.

    I'm starting to feel like there is no hope and I will spend the rest of my life, stuck in an never ending cycle of self hatrid, weight loss, weight gain, depression, SI, anorexia...etc I've spent a total of 18 months as in inpatient specifically for the Anorexia Nervosa, and im only 18. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling anxious, depressed and guilty. Im tired of constantly worrying and panicking, i'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of life.
    And this doesnt even sum up how i'm feeling. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I feel trapped and helpless. Lost and alone.

    And this makes me sad, because I met some amazing people whilst IP, but some of the patients were in their 70's. I dont want to be like that when i'm 70. I want a life, I want to have fun, have a family, travel, learn.... I just feel like i'm stuck and no one can get me out.

    Right now all I want is to be carefree and happy. I just dont see a way to get that.
 
 
 
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    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

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