Turn on thread page Beta

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by briesandwich)
    I was told today that I had a choice: either eat more, or eat more in hospital.

    So, I made my choice, and I'm being admitted.

    I know that as an outpatient, I'll be given a meal plan, go home, and not eat it because I simply don't have the strength to bring myself to do it. In a hospital I can't get away with not eating it - I'm essentially running my ED into a corner and although it'll help me get better, I'm certainly feeling s*** now. I, am, terrified. My anxiety is so high it's unreal..
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I feel like my ribs are in a vice, just tearing inwards and crushing into my chest. It feels like someone literally has their hands around my throat and they're choking me. Its stupid because it feels like I'm trapped, like I can't escape, but I have nothing to escape from! I'm not stuck in a room or something, I just feel stuck in this situation.
    :hugs: Well done it'll definitely be easier in there, however scary it might seem.

    Having a crap day today, not gonna lie. I told myself I didn't need to bother as long as I ate dinner... then I sat in front of a bowl of pasta for a good hour before giving up.
    I don't understaaand, before I was thinking it was the stress of exams that was making me worse again but now I'm not worried about anything and I'm very aware that I do want to be a bit bigger, I just can't seem to do it. I guess it's kind of ironic - a year ago I would have felt so good for 'resisting' all this food, for not 'giving in'... I used to feel weak when I did eat, now I hate how weak I am for not eating. I know I'm not dangerously thin but I'm slipping and I just can't seem to get motivated to get out of it. Yesterday I was trying to be all optimistic (I even baked a cake, inspired by your baking habits, Toto!) because I was all like 'oh yeah I can eat this and I won't even worry about it' but of course I didn't eat it. I'm lying to myself. It's ****ing ridiculous.

    Ughhh. Tomorrow will be a better day
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by *custardcream)
    briesandwich - you are doing the right thing in accepting that you're not able to take responsiblity for your own refeeding at the moment. You are doing the next best thing by taking responsibility for not letting your ED get away with it (if that makes sense). Good on you girl.
    Do you know where you're going to be admitted?
    Thank you. And thank you everyone for the support, it means a lot!

    Custard, I'm actually really lucky and got a call from them offering me to go into day patient instead, which is based at the clinic I'm at now! :woo: This means I get to keep seeing my usual therapist! It's 8:30am-7pm every weekday, for 12 weeks, which is pretty intense, but my last stay in hospital wasn't good at all (this was a while back, I was under 18 so I had to go to an adolescence farm called Leigh House, and the girls were a lot younger than me, very competitive, and very nasty) so I prefer this option. The hour drive there and back is going to murder my Ford KA though.. poor thing.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh god. I'm smiling so hard right now. Look at you all and look back over these past fifty pages of posts. Look at how far you've all come in such a short period of time! It makes me so happy!

    So much love to you all! X
    Thanks to you. Tommy. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Sadly it seems like the ED has already grabbed you by the neck, but by no means is this a death sentence.

    Listen; you want to take things slowly. Chances are the ED crept up on you, and as such the ED can be defeated by stealth tactics too. Don't try to beat it all at once. Slowly but surely introduce new supplements and additions to your diet to increase intake and start to become more carefree. xx
    You really do speak such sense and wisdom. I sometimes invisage the illness as thornes which trap people. You know you'll be so much better off without the thornes trapping you, but it's incredibly painful having to pull them out and pull yourself free.
    And I guess it is baby steps. Taking it a day at a time. Hour by hour. Managing each challenge as it comes.
    Thankyou. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by *custardcream)
    DEFINITELY *nods hard*


    broken rose - yes, it is possible. it really is. it takes WORK. a lot of it. not just eating. eating and challenging thoughts. every single thought that you can identify. it needs challenging. it's exhausting. but it is POSSIBLE. and it is WORTH it.




    i have had a really crappy day. i woke up feeling enormous - arms like uncooked sausages, chest bones covered, can't feel my pelvis like i used to - it's practically buried under a mound of fat. thighs padded. boobs like water balloons. food been a struggle all day. i've had problems with my meal plan being buggered up (again!!!!) and with meds being buggered up too. and then i was told i had to move rooms - packed up. then told moving tomorrow. then you're moving NOW. then, you're moving later tonight. then tommorrow again. and then apparently i'm moving again tonight. FFS. i HAVE to know WHEN. i was freaking out over the not knowing and the staff were making it worse, when my anxiety is spiralling as out of control as that I need my own space and time to wind myself down - and the staff just push and crowd and i end up having to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOME SPACE

    So spent most of the day in tears.

    And then. I got told that I was reviewed in ward round (although I didn't actually go). I'm OUT the wheelchair (still have to use stairs) and I'm OFF obs - supervision in bathroom/shower/mealtimes but apart from that, nada, I'm alooooooone! (well, I'll be moving into a shared room, but that's ok ).

    So, a nice reward for riding out a rough rough day.
    I'm sorry you've had a crappy day. It's so horrid when you wake up feeling a million tonnes heavier. And it's so challenging as you know deep down that you cant gain that much over night, but you can't see it, or apply it to the situation. I woke up that way today. Everything just seems a thousand times bigger. But I guess you have to rationalise the situation and challenge the ED thoughts. Extremely hard though

    But YAY, NO WHEELCHAIR!!! A little bit more freedom Well done.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by briesandwich)
    I was told today that I had a choice: either eat more, or eat more in hospital.

    So, I made my choice, and I'm being admitted.

    I know that as an outpatient, I'll be given a meal plan, go home, and not eat it because I simply don't have the strength to bring myself to do it. In a hospital I can't get away with not eating it - I'm essentially running my ED into a corner and although it'll help me get better, I'm certainly feeling s*** now. I, am, terrified. My anxiety is so high it's unreal..
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I feel like my ribs are in a vice, just tearing inwards and crushing into my chest. It feels like someone literally has their hands around my throat and they're choking me. Its stupid because it feels like I'm trapped, like I can't escape, but I have nothing to escape from! I'm not stuck in a room or something, I just feel stuck in this situation.
    Good luck, it's such a brave choice to make. But even though it's so incredibly scary, it really is the best thing.
    Being in IP was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was also the best. There is so much support available.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hi, I'm new to TSR and I couldn't help but come into this thread.. obviously I haven't read the WHOLE thing but I've seen a few awful, but also inspiring stories. I myself have pretty much recovered from bulimia (never properly diagnosed, but I know what the guidelines for diagnosis are and I was a textbook example). I say "pretty much" because, as with all eating-disorder-sufferers-in-remission, I do have off-days. Usually if I'm stressed about something. But now and then I just can't hack the feeling of a full tummy :/
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by eleanor_rigby)
    Hi, I'm new to TSR and I couldn't help but come into this thread.. obviously I haven't read the WHOLE thing but I've seen a few awful, but also inspiring stories. I myself have pretty much recovered from bulimia (never properly diagnosed, but I know what the guidelines for diagnosis are and I was a textbook example). I say "pretty much" because, as with all eating-disorder-sufferers-in-remission, I do have off-days. Usually if I'm stressed about something. But now and then I just can't hack the feeling of a full tummy :/
    You're welcome here, Eleanor!

    Your mind plays tricks with you and leads you to the path of destruction sometimes, when it comes to an ED. Terrifying stuff. Case in point - I personally have tried to remain strong for the sake of posting for you guys, but in reality, I have gained 4-5lbs in the past 2 or so months and I genuinely have gained nothing but stomach flab.

    This is due to the body's "desperation distribution" of weight. When the body restricts, as soon as it gets any new nutrients it goes "oh crap, I need to store this RIGHT AWAY!" and plonks it straight onto the stomach, the first place it can lay it.

    Sadly, for me, I can now pinch SEVERAL inches on my stomach and I'm scrawny all over elsewhere. These are the proportions I feared the most.

    For reference I am 5'7 and 96.5lb up from 92lb at the start of recovery. Weight and proportions are two separate, scary things. What I mean is, I may have gained less than 5lb but my body has changed dramatically. I have a lot more fat on my body. But everyone says "Nice job!" and "wow, you look so much healthier!"

    "Healthier".

    A word that is undoubtedly positive but an anorexic views as MEGA NEGATIVE.

    To have twig-like arms, legs, visible ribs, but a disgusting pot belly due to recovery is terrifying, but yet another hardship I am finding myself battling mentally day by day...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I had a friend with anorexia nervosa and she had the same problem when she began recovery. Overall, her body was much the same as while she was ill, but her stomach was much bigger. It's hard to remember, but it will even out over time - and that will feel so much better than trying to lose the stomach. I'm afraid I'm not much use on the topic of anorexia past basic knowledge though.. Recovering from bulimia actually made my stomach look smaller, since the binge/purge cycle left mine swollen a lot of the time. The most noticeable difference is on my face though, not having swollen glands around my neck/chin from purging has revealed a nice shapely jawline!
    Offline

    1
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You're welcome here, Eleanor!

    Your mind plays tricks with you and leads you to the path of destruction sometimes, when it comes to an ED. Terrifying stuff. Case in point - I personally have tried to remain strong for the sake of posting for you guys, but in reality, I have gained 4-5lbs in the past 2 or so months and I genuinely have gained nothing but stomach flab.

    This is due to the body's "desperation distribution" of weight. When the body restricts, as soon as it gets any new nutrients it goes "oh crap, I need to store this RIGHT AWAY!" and plonks it straight onto the stomach, the first place it can lay it.

    Sadly, for me, I can now pinch SEVERAL inches on my stomach and I'm scrawny all over elsewhere. These are the proportions I feared the most.

    For reference I am 5'7 and 96.5lb up from 92lb at the start of recovery. Weight and proportions are two separate, scary things. What I mean is, I may have gained less than 5lb but my body has changed dramatically. I have a lot more fat on my body. But everyone says "Nice job!" and "wow, you look so much healthier!"

    "Healthier".

    A word that is undoubtedly positive but an anorexic views as MEGA NEGATIVE.

    To have twig-like arms, legs, visible ribs, but a disgusting pot belly due to recovery is terrifying, but yet another hardship I am finding myself battling mentally day by day...

    during this recovery which i applaud you for and pray you get through what support do you have apart from your amazing dad? do you have therapy? cos others seem to have to go to hospital and be admitted are you doing it on your own?
    stay strong mate its jjust cos as u said ur body aint used to it. your stomach is taking time to digest it it aint used to food.its probably your slow metabolism. and maybe the enzymes etc havent been used in a while etc. and it's just not normal for the body to process the food and ''add'' it to your body evenly but this gets better OVER TIME KEEP REMEMBERING THAT
    and good luck x
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Oh, I forgot to say, custard, I am so chuffed you're out of that goddamned wheelchair. I can empathise with the thought that your body's changing; mine has changed SO MUCH in the past two months. I have gained a full 2kg and almost 2% increase in body fat. I feel like this little skeletal frame with so much absurd, disgusting flab hanging off it - I feel like PALE MAN from Pan's Labyrinth.

    I cried and cried yesterday because someone said I "looked healthy, not drawn-faced any more". How stupid we are.

    Thankfully I have this wonderful lass I meet up with fortnightly who has recovered from an ED who takes time out to talk to me for a few hours up at the hospital. She's endured hospitalisation etc and returned from a BMI of 12 to 20, and she looks and feels great, and the strangest thing is I find her appearance so slim, and yet I'm the one here with a BMI of 15.5.

    I just feel like all I'm doing is gaining stomach fat here, and where that's probably true for the best part (anorexic eight gain panic-stores just outside of the intestines, therefore initially presenting itself as a skinny person with a pot-belly in a lot of occasions), 5lbs of gain is not enough, logically, for me to have become a 'fat' person. But your ED makes you so unreasonable sometimes.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh, I forgot to say, custard, I am so chuffed you're out of that goddamned wheelchair. I can empathise with the thought that your body's changing; mine has changed SO MUCH in the past two months. I have gained a full 2kg and almost 2% increase in body fat. I feel like this little skeletal frame with so much absurd, disgusting flab hanging off it - I feel like PALE MAN from Pan's Labyrinth.

    I cried and cried yesterday because someone said I "looked healthy, not drawn-faced any more". How stupid we are.

    Thankfully I have this wonderful lass I meet up with fortnightly who has recovered from an ED who takes time out to talk to me for a few hours up at the hospital. She's endured hospitalisation etc and returned from a BMI of 12 to 20, and she looks and feels great, and the strangest thing is I find her appearance so slim, and yet I'm the one here with a BMI of 15.5.

    I just feel like all I'm doing is gaining stomach fat here, and where that's probably true for the best part (anorexic eight gain panic-stores just outside of the intestines, therefore initially presenting itself as a skinny person with a pot-belly in a lot of occasions), 5lbs of gain is not enough, logically, for me to have become a 'fat' person. But your ED makes you so unreasonable sometimes.
    :hugs: Not stupid, just irrational.
    I feel the same way when I look at my friends or my sister, I just sort of stare at them thinking 'You're so tiny' and then I realise that they weigh more than I do. I still have the pot belly situation going on, not as badly as before but the second I eat anything my stomach blows up. It's a total head **** tbh, I have to actively reassure myself that I haven't eaten too much. I don't think it disappears until you've been at a healthy (not minimally healthy) weight for a period of time.

    I'm watching Wimbledon right now and despite the annoying noises I'm sure the women don't have to make, I'm really in awe of the tennis players. They look healthy- good healthy. Fit and strong. I really wouldn't mind looking like them. Being healthy isn't the bad thing the ED makes it out to be. I think it's scary because it's unknown or forgotten. I've been the same. I cried for hours when someone told me that I'd 'gained weight' and after I burst into tears, amended it with telling me 'I looked good', which made me cry even harder. My very blunt mother told me that I still looked like **** and that they just meant I didn't look like I was going to keel over and die. That's not much of a consolation either but I guess it just means people mean that there's a light in your eyes and that your skin isn't so sickly? I personally think people should be banned from commenting on appearance full stop. It just seems rude to me even if it's intended as a compliment, because what are you meant to say in reply? :dontknow:

    Keep on trucking my lovely Toto. It will be ok. :hugs:
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    I agree with the appearance comments, I know if someone ever comes and says to me "You look good" I'll immediately think WHAT? THAT MEANS I LOOK FAT?!?!!!! And that is silly really.... how the ED really distorts your perception and thinking.
    Offline

    1
    well I feel fat
    had some of mums biryani not a lot but to a sufferer i just feel so guilty and i know i shouldnt have cos it was just too much chicken etc.
    • #33
    #33

    I just finished exams and for the past three days, I have been binge eating - but because of exams, I've lost weight so its "okay" but I'm eating like mad...I know where this is coming from because the guy I like isn't here...but I can't help eating and it's killing me...I'm eating everything in one go and having to purge...like I finished a whole cereal box in 2 days...help me...I think I just feel lonely and sigh...
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    well I feel fat
    had some of mums biryani not a lot but to a sufferer i just feel so guilty and i know i shouldnt have cos it was just too much chicken etc.
    Try and do something that will distract you, is there something you like to do? paint? write? game? etc....
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Linweth)
    Try and do something that will distract you, is there something you like to do? paint? write? game? etc....
    Seconded. Knitting is awesome as a form of distraction, takes enough concentration that you can't consciously brood but not so much concentration that it's too hard to do. If you can't knit, learning to knit is just as distracting.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Seconded. Knitting is awesome as a form of distraction, takes enough concentration that you can't consciously brood but not so much concentration that it's too hard to do. If you can't knit, learning to knit is just as distracting.

    Knitting is excellent .
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Seconded. Knitting is awesome as a form of distraction, takes enough concentration that you can't consciously brood but not so much concentration that it's too hard to do. If you can't knit, learning to knit is just as distracting.
    Knitting is amazing! It might age me by a couple of decades, and confirms the fact I am mentally 80, but I am not ashamed to admit, I LOVE KNITTING
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by broken_rose)
    Knitting is amazing! It might age me by a couple of decades, and confirms the fact I am mentally 80, but I am not ashamed to admit, I LOVE KNITTING

    You dont have to be 80 ( be it mentally or physically) to knit...I'm nowhere near that age and really enjoy knitting.In fact its something I've been able to do since I was about 8 yrs old, mums aunt taught it me.I'm still not fantastic or anything though.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
The home of Results and Clearing

2,459

people online now

1,567,000

students helped last year
Poll
A-level students - how do you feel about your results?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.