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    Took the plunge today and had a whole day without coffee - a big step since I used to use it to suppress hunger, and then throughout recovery I've used it as a sort of "full stop" on meals so that I don't binge like a crazylady. Been a bit headachey from the caffeine withdrawal but otherwise feel fine
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    (Original post by Sugarcandy)
    Has anyone spoken to Squiff or heard from her? I'm a bit worried because she hasn't posted for a while.
    Squiff said that she was going to have to avoid this thread from now on!! Didn't sound too good :s[/QUOTE]
    Cinamon said she's made some positive changes so fingers crossed she'll be able to make a flying visit here.

    (Original post by eleanor_rigby)
    Took the plunge today and had a whole day without coffee - a big step since I used to use it to suppress hunger, and then throughout recovery I've used it as a sort of "full stop" on meals so that I don't binge like a crazylady. Been a bit headachey from the caffeine withdrawal but otherwise feel fine
    :hugs: Well done.

    Well, it looks like I finally have a therapist. I'll only be able to have 6 sessions but it's much better than the zero the NHS offered me. I'll see how it goes...
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Haha, you forget about my epic bingeing . But yeah - eating and keeping somewhat different. And I don't have to pay for this . Yeah, I'm lucky in that most of my 'medicine' isn't too terrible. .

    WELL DONE on the two-cal and forti, and the MP! (feel free to post in my lonely thread haha). I'm really glad you've pulled things together again .
    ________________________________ __

    Well, I was weighed, up 0.2kg since Thurs and 0.4kg over the week (well over 2500 and totally sedentary), BMI now up to 14.6 (approaching 15...). Pleased it not rocketing but dreading a potential increase soon as really dont think i could handle - it is getting harder and harder .

    Tonight i just cried and cried through tea. I still ate it all though. I've been getting a LOT of support from the patients and staff though - everyone really encouraging.

    I have found a cupcake Pandora charm I am going to twist my gran's arm to buy for me when I am free
    14.6 is still "Walking skeleton" territory, but at least it's "walking skeleton with positive attitude" territory!

    I'm so glad that you're fighting this m'lovie. at one point I had assumed you'd resorted to the old ways.

    To the others currently suffering, you should take this girl as an inspiration. She is literally on the cusp of existence and battling her way back to health.

    EDs are a horrid balancing act; the mental and physical aspects need to be addressed in equal measure, and that is FAR easier said than done...
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    14.6 is still "Walking skeleton" territory, but at least it's "walking skeleton with positive attitude" territory!

    I'm so glad that you're fighting this m'lovie. at one point I had assumed you'd resorted to the old ways.

    To the others currently suffering, you should take this girl as an inspiration. She is literally on the cusp of existence and battling her way back to health.

    EDs are a horrid balancing act; the mental and physical aspects need to be addressed in equal measure, and that is FAR easier said than done...
    :jumphug: To you and everyone else; please stay healthy and positive, 'kay?
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    NotSoCool.Fly - I know it's low, but it's a lot up from where it was, and I'm trying to cope . I've been here 4 weeks now! :O

    Toto - you brought tears to my eyes . No, I'm not back to old ways, I'm fighting as hard as I can, I WANT uni to WORK, and I want to ENJOY it too . And I guess I accept that I just WON'T until I'm healthier.
    _________________________

    Later tonight, it will be an entire 4 weeks since I have engaged in any form of self-destructive behaviour. You may all worship me now *ROFLMAO*

    I've had a better day. I reflected on some stuff that was said yesterday about something that's been bothering me, and felt better for it. Food was easier today than other days (banana and icecream at lunch instead of a heavy sponge/pie/crumble) and my mood had lifted from the reflection. I also got let loose with a pair of scissors in a group today and I now have my grown-out fringe back - was sorely missed!
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    NotSoCool.Fly - I know it's low, but it's a lot up from where it was, and I'm trying to cope . I've been here 4 weeks now! :O

    Toto - you brought tears to my eyes . No, I'm not back to old ways, I'm fighting as hard as I can, I WANT uni to WORK, and I want to ENJOY it too . And I guess I accept that I just WON'T until I'm healthier.
    _________________________

    Later tonight, it will be an entire 4 weeks since I have engaged in any form of self-destructive behaviour. You may all worship me now *ROFLMAO*

    I've had a better day. I reflected on some stuff that was said yesterday about something that's been bothering me, and felt better for it. Food was easier today than other days (banana and icecream at lunch instead of a heavy sponge/pie/crumble) and my mood had lifted from the reflection. I also got let loose with a pair of scissors in a group today and I now have my grown-out fringe back - was sorely missed!
    YAY! All hail Fringeycustard! I felt sorry for you with the pie + crumble yesterday, if where you are was as hot as here i.e 30C.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    NotSoCool.Fly - I know it's low, but it's a lot up from where it was, and I'm trying to cope . I've been here 4 weeks now! :O

    Toto - you brought tears to my eyes . No, I'm not back to old ways, I'm fighting as hard as I can, I WANT uni to WORK, and I want to ENJOY it too . And I guess I accept that I just WON'T until I'm healthier.
    _________________________

    Later tonight, it will be an entire 4 weeks since I have engaged in any form of self-destructive behaviour. You may all worship me now *ROFLMAO*

    I've had a better day. I reflected on some stuff that was said yesterday about something that's been bothering me, and felt better for it. Food was easier today than other days (banana and icecream at lunch instead of a heavy sponge/pie/crumble) and my mood had lifted from the reflection. I also got let loose with a pair of scissors in a group today and I now have my grown-out fringe back - was sorely missed!

    Excellent stuff Custard!!.Keep it up .We are all so very proud of you!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    Toto!
    I know you from the food forum. I guess a lot of people would be surprised to find out that you, the creator of a million food topics, actually suffered from an eating disorder. But I'm the same - it's weird how something so often seen as a dislike or a fear of food, is actually more of an obsession.
    I suffered from an eating disorder for three years and although I'm somewhat recovered, it never truly goes away. My love-hate relationship with food is here to stay, for the rest of my life I guess. At my worst point I was eating around 300 calories a day, and I would go into the bathroom with loads of food and chew it and spit it into the toilet like some disgusting ritual so I could taste the food without actually eating it. It still embarasses me to say that. I occasionally still do, though I've heard it's a health risk as it can cause stomach ulcers from the excess acid.
    I still hoard food in my room. I have boxes and drawers filled with snacks and drinks that I don't think I even intend on eating. Again, obsession. I disgust myself sometimes because I absolutely adore food, so much so that I feel like a freak for doing so. I get genuinely excited about eating out in a restaurant. Yet it's tinged with guilt for daring to enjoy it, what a disgusting fat pig for 'lusting' over food in such a way.
    I started starving myself when I was in a relationship with a bulimic partner. His obsession with perfection and weight loss manifested itself in me. He was constantly picking holes in my appearance, telling me I needed to exercise more, lose more weight, that other girls were prettier than me and he'd go looking elsewhere if I wasn't careful. He abused me in more ways than one. I began hating everything about myself, self harming, starving myself but it was never enough. I would go into these weird trance-like states where I would be above myself, watching me rushing round the room looking for something sharp I could cut myself with, only returning to my own body after I'd done so. This was my punishment if I ate too much. At points I honestly wanted to die because I couldn't see any way out.
    I lost all my friends. I became convinced they were trying to fatten me up - looking back it's obvious they just cared about me and hated what I was doing to myself. I stopped spending time with them and isolated myself. I felt like I was living in a bubble. I still only have a couple of friends.
    But things have got better for me. I broke up with the horrible ex and am now in a fantastic relationship, two years strong. when I started eating properly I put on a lot of weight, and since then I've always struggled to maintain it - I know logically I'm a normal, healthy weight. But I look in the mirror and see fat. I lay in bed and grab at my thighs, my stomach, my arms, and feel sick. But I'm scared to get back into the trap of dieting. I can't diet healthily, and I've tried - for me it's either all or nothing.
    I have nobody to talk about this with. My boyfriend is very understanding but nobody can truly understand the mindset unless they've experienced it for themselves. I feel like I'm still fighting a hard battle and it's even harder to appear normal on the outside because it means nobody notices I need help.
    Sorry for the wall of text. I don't know what I'm even trying to say, but I needed to vent. I wish you all the best and I hope we can all look back on these times when we're older and think of ourselves as survivors rather than victims.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)

    That, and lately I've realised this stupid thought I have when I think about adding more, like somebody is saying "Well, if you eat more you don't have an ED, do you? You're just faking it for attention then, and it was all a lie. You're not really ill, you're just selfish". Does anyone else have this? It seems stupid because I obviously don't want to have an eating disorder, but the idea of everyone else thinking I'm just faking it for attention terrifies me. It is stupid really...


    Anywhoooo, I'm not looking for advice really, maybe just a "OHHH I do that too!" so I feel a little less alone with these thoughts.
    Hey I know this is a really old post but I want to respond because this is me, right now.
    Reading this thread makes me feel like a failure, like I failed at my eating disorder because I never even reached an unhealthy BMI, never got diagnosed or hospitalised. I feel like a fake because I wasn't ever a 'proper anorexic'. I felt like that at the time too, like nobody would take me seriously unless I was a certain weight, which in a way became another form of motivation - if you lose more weight then you'll be a proper anorexic and people will care about what you're going through.
    That's another reason I find it so hard to talk to people about it. I know from the outside people will just think I'm pretending to have an eating disorder because it's 'trendy' or something. Meanwhile I'm in a sort of limbo where I know I'm either going to get really fat or really skinny if I allow myself to relax for a second.
    Anyway reading all these stories makes me want to meet everyone in this thread for an enormous group hug because it's making me tear up and I just want to help you all. And be helped by you.
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    (Original post by floskii)
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    For both posts, :hugs:

    I can definitely identify with the food obsession; even when I ate literally nothing I used to spend hours poring over recipes on the internet, working out when I'd buy the ingredients and how much they'd cost, knowing full well I'd never actually cook any of it.
    And yeah, like you said, I still have a major obsession with hoarding food. I have a shoebox of old chocolate in my room (I mean like years old) from when friends or family would give me chocolate as like a gift and I'd 'save it for later,' even though I'd never eat it. And the top drawer in my desk is full of food which I take from my mum's cupboards and 'save for later' - Tesco value crisps, chocolate biscuit bars... it's as if saving it in a drawer is the same as eating it. It makes me feel guilty when I open the drawer; it's embarrassing

    Hope everyone's okay today. Today I've been listening to Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - not specific to EDs recently but it does kind of make me feel calmer. It's kind of like, none of this is so important anyway
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    (Original post by floskii)
    Toto!
    I know you from the food forum. I guess a lot of people would be surprised to find out that you, the creator of a million food topics, actually suffered from an eating disorder. But I'm the same - it's weird how something so often seen as a dislike or a fear of food, is actually more of an obsession.
    I suffered from an eating disorder for three years and although I'm somewhat recovered, it never truly goes away. My love-hate relationship with food is here to stay, for the rest of my life I guess. At my worst point I was eating around 300 calories a day, and I would go into the bathroom with loads of food and chew it and spit it into the toilet like some disgusting ritual so I could taste the food without actually eating it. It still embarasses me to say that. I occasionally still do, though I've heard it's a health risk as it can cause stomach ulcers from the excess acid.
    I still hoard food in my room. I have boxes and drawers filled with snacks and drinks that I don't think I even intend on eating. Again, obsession. I disgust myself sometimes because I absolutely adore food, so much so that I feel like a freak for doing so. I get genuinely excited about eating out in a restaurant. Yet it's tinged with guilt for daring to enjoy it, what a disgusting fat pig for 'lusting' over food in such a way.
    I started starving myself when I was in a relationship with a bulimic partner. His obsession with perfection and weight loss manifested itself in me. He was constantly picking holes in my appearance, telling me I needed to exercise more, lose more weight, that other girls were prettier than me and he'd go looking elsewhere if I wasn't careful. He abused me in more ways than one. I began hating everything about myself, self harming, starving myself but it was never enough. I would go into these weird trance-like states where I would be above myself, watching me rushing round the room looking for something sharp I could cut myself with, only returning to my own body after I'd done so. This was my punishment if I ate too much. At points I honestly wanted to die because I couldn't see any way out.
    I lost all my friends. I became convinced they were trying to fatten me up - looking back it's obvious they just cared about me and hated what I was doing to myself. I stopped spending time with them and isolated myself. I felt like I was living in a bubble. I still only have a couple of friends.
    But things have got better for me. I broke up with the horrible ex and am now in a fantastic relationship, two years strong. when I started eating properly I put on a lot of weight, and since then I've always struggled to maintain it - I know logically I'm a normal, healthy weight. But I look in the mirror and see fat. I lay in bed and grab at my thighs, my stomach, my arms, and feel sick. But I'm scared to get back into the trap of dieting. I can't diet healthily, and I've tried - for me it's either all or nothing.
    I have nobody to talk about this with. My boyfriend is very understanding but nobody can truly understand the mindset unless they've experienced it for themselves. I feel like I'm still fighting a hard battle and it's even harder to appear normal on the outside because it means nobody notices I need help.
    Sorry for the wall of text. I don't know what I'm even trying to say, but I needed to vent. I wish you all the best and I hope we can all look back on these times when we're older and think of ourselves as survivors rather than victims.
    All I can say is :hugs:
    Spoiler:
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    Snap to the chewing and spitting. I still associate certain foods with it. That was the first ED behaviour I ever had and I didn't even know it was *anything* until very recently. It's a once in a blue moon thing now because it scares me how addictive it is.
    I just want to give you the biggest hug. It's scary to think the people in our lives can have such an influence on our self esteem. :sad:

    Struggling right now so I don't think it will be fair to post. Love you all.
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    Thanks to both of you. Right after I posted in here I started bawling my eyes out and decided to ring my boyfriend and tell him I still have this crazy disordered mindset despite everything looking fine on the outside. I feel a lot better having told him, since it means he'll be there to help me stay on the 'straight and narrow' so to speak.
    I almost deleted those two posts because I was terrified this thread would become a trigger for me and I'd start trying to compete with everyone, but I'm determined not to let it as I've come too far.
    My food obsession is really odd. I have a huge folder on my computer just with pictures of pretty foods, I read cookbooks and food magazines all the time even though I have no intention of cooking anything.. the weirdest thing I do is collect food containers like bento boxes and tupperwares. Crazy huh? I don't even use them!
    Anyway at the risk of going on another tl;dr ramble I'll just stop here.
    diamonddust I think you should feel free to post whatever's on your mind, just spoiler it if necessary so nobody has to read it if they feel it could be triggering. It's good to get things off your chest. Thanks for the kind words and I really hope everything gets better for you. xxx
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    All I can say is :hugs:
    Spoiler:
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    Snap to the chewing and spitting. I still associate certain foods with it. That was the first ED behaviour I ever had and I didn't even know it was *anything* until very recently. It's a once in a blue moon thing now because it scares me how addictive it is.
    I just want to give you the biggest hug. It's scary to think the people in our lives can have such an influence on our self esteem. :sad:

    Struggling right now so I don't think it will be fair to post. Love you all.
    One day I will come to UEA and track you down and give you the biggest hug ever. Until then, :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    You are lovely and you deserve to give yourself a break. Kick that stupid pooey piece of poo where it hurts.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    One day I will come to UEA and track you down and give you the biggest hug ever. Until then, :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    You are lovely and you deserve to give yourself a break. Kick that stupid pooey piece of poo where it hurts.
    THanks. I hope you're ok! And thanks Floski! :jumphugs:
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    I also got let loose with a pair of scissors in a group today and I now have my grown-out fringe back - was sorely missed!
    This made me laugh because I remember when I was IP there was a very very emaciated girl in unit and in an art therapy group she tried to blow up a balloon for papermashe (sp?) and she was told off by the nurses because it would mean she was burning too many calories. I know they do it and say it for serious reasons but I still cant help but laugh a little at some of the rules.

    Also have they given you a goal weight of an expected discharge time? (Im just being nosey really.lol).

    I think you are doing so well. When I was IP even with the 24hour supervision it took me a while not to try and cheat so the fact that you have gone 4 weeks without behaviours is a massive deal and well worth commending. Well bloody done custard xxxx
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    The thing I hated most was how i look back and realise that an eating disorder CONTROLS your life. You would plan your day around food to make sure you wouldn't eat later..check whats for dinner because if it was doing your own night then you could skip it and be able to eat in the day. Your weight and food and exercise becomes all you think about. Have I lost any weight today? Did having milk in my tea mean that i've put on any weight? I need to make sure i have enough time to exercise before i go out. Have i run for longer than yesterday? I used to restrict myself to 500 calories a day, and then one day a week when it could be 1000. My skin looked dull I'm ashamed at how I used to be. At the time i honestly thought i was trying to do the healthy option for my mind and body :/ after a while of having a healthier diet and with more varied food my hair became stronger, eyes didn't look as dead, skin was smoother and more plump and glowed
    and properly coming out of how i used to be and changing my attitude towards being healthy took over a year.
    I wish i could have been 'normal' for that year and a half when i had my eating disorder because it feels almost like i have 'lost' that time :/ I still don't think i could ever have that complete i don't care about health attitude ever. But i am definately alot better.

    Toto i really do think you are an amazing person- for what you have achieved career wise, and for being able to speak in such depth about this touchy subject, especially for you. I'm glad you feel you can speak about it. Because when it was at its worse you want to just hide it from everyone and not let them know

    I wish you all the best for everything you wish to do in life. You won't remember me.. but you are a true inspiration and i won't forget that.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
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    (Original post by Sugarcandy)
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    hi thanks for your concern, i haven't been on this thread much recently and i can't post here atm. anyways you dont need to worry

    thanks, amanda xx
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    hi thanks for your concern, i haven't been on this thread much recently and i can't post here atm. anyways you dont need to worry

    thanks, amanda xx
    :jumphug:
    Keep fighting hun xxx
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :jumphug:
    Keep fighting hun xxx


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    thankyou, i really shouldn't be on here, i don't know what i'm doing atm, i'm struggling too much and i honestly don't know how long i can carry this on for.

    goodluck with everything, hope everything works out :hugs:
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Spoiler:
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    thankyou, i really shouldn't be on here, i don't know what i'm doing atm, i'm struggling too much and i honestly don't know how long i can carry this on for.

    goodluck with everything, hope everything works out :hugs:
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Oh hun. :sad: Is it not going well then? Have you talked to your mum? If you don't want to be on here you can PM me if you want. I'm pretty much untriggerable.
    Thanks. I really hope you can get some help soon, I'm really worried about you. :hugs:
 
 
 
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